my experience with marriage and questions about strange behaviors from my wife?!

[David1963]

 
Spoiled, sounds like it.  That won't change, that has been her life for 36 years.
Probably jealous due to experiences with RM, you can try and work on that but it will always be in the back of her mind.
Blocking you, not willing to talk about it, sounds like a RW.  At some point you need to get her to talk about it.
If you want a decent relationship with her you have a lot of work ahead of you. 
Curious, did you notice any of this while dating before you got married?
 

[chooter]

I know a guy that married a spoiled RW with a rich family. She had some adjustment problems when she got here and didn't have unlimited funds to spend like she with her parents in Russia.

Being the good guy he is he put up with a lot of b/s from her for awhile and then all of her b/s started confusing him. He came and talked to us and we listened to everything that was going on in their marriage. My wife listen never saying anything other than asking him one of two questions.

He asked her since you are a Russian woman what advice could you possible give me to get some peace of mind. She looked at him and told him....ignore her and move on with your everyday life and continue being the same good and faithful husband you are to her. Let her do her thing until she realizes you've been ignoring her and not going to take anymore b/s off of her and she has a  choice she's going to have to make or her marriage is over  She said Russian women do not like to be ignored just ask my husband.

So, he took her advice and within a matter of a couple of months  things started changing in their marriage. She did throw a fit or two because he would not fight with her about anything. He either agreed or disagreed with her and left it at that. She accused him of a lot of things that was just her mind talking, She left him and went back to Russia. He took her to the airport and kissed her goodbye and left her as she boarded the plane.

Did she think he didn't love her? Probably. She had been in Moscow for a few days and he had not called her so she called him. He was very nice and asked her how she was doing and if there was anything he could do to help her in Moscow from their home in Atlanta. She asked him what he was doing and he told her trying to adjust to being single again.

He left it alone and thought our marriage is over and he didn't call her. She started calling him and she asked him one time why are you ignoring me. He told her I'm not ignoring you. It was your decision to leave me and return to Moscow and I hope you're finding your happiness now. He said that really started messing with her mind and she started calling him every day. During all of this time he said divorce was never mentioned in any of their conversations.

She called him and told him she wanted to come home and work things out so they could keep their marriage and not get a divorce. He told us it was his time to talk then and he gave her what it would take for him to let her come home. I suppose she agreed and they worked things out....that took place 2 years ago.  My wife told me she told her she's happier than shes ever been now and their marriage is a good one.

This is his story and you're the one that has to make the decisions on how to handle your own situation.

I certainly wish you good luck

[Noch1]

Chooter, I think this is a great story and great advice.
Sonner or later you have to decide what you want.
Life really is to short to live like this.

[mies]

Since 2,5 years I didn't went to any "nightlife" anymore, this was just a simple birthday event. I don't see any problem because i was alone at home and she was in Moscow. I don't have contact with other womans and never cheated on her and I really do my very best to make her happy. I totally didn't expected response like this.
She don't give any chance to talk, just blocks.

Why does she not trust me? How can I win more trust? Is this normal? Did I made a mistake by going some small birthday event?
Do you guys have similar experiences with the other items?

The issue is not her "lack of trust". The real issue is that she is manipulating you into a feeling of guilt and make you beg forgiveness and defend/explain yourself.
No, you cannot "win more trust" from her, because like I said trust is not the issue. She is manipulating you to make you try hard to "win more trust", and by trying, you only convince her that her manipulative scheme is working well. So there is no incentive for her to stop. She wants something from you, she found the way to make you do it, willingly, and feeling guilty that you are the wrong one and not do enough to make her happy.

In my personal experience, people who do that do not change. It is a personality trait. The best course of action is to avoid them, have no relationship (of any sort) with them at all.


On a different note, as a married person, if you are going to the birthday party of the colleague, it is probably a good idea to tell your wife about those thing before, not after. Or was the party and impromptu decision? Normally invitations to birthday parties are sent in advance. I would not take it lightly if my husband were planning for a month to go to a birthday party of a colleague, but didn't invite me and kept it in secret from me (so that he doesn't have to take me along). We go to all birthday parties together. Why didn't you invite your wife to join you?

[mies]

At the moment we don't have children and we both will be 36 this year. She wants at least 1 child so we cannot wait extreme long time with that.

the way I read it, you are her "retirement package" as there is a steady supply in Moscow of 18-20yo beauties from all-over the country. And some of them have rich parents too. If the Russian man is rich, and 36yo, he'd be much more likely to date someone young and "fresh". For marriages he'd be probably looking for a woman with even more "powerful" parents, who can boost his business/career. Plus at 36 majority of Russian men who wanted to get married and start a family are already married with young children.
Judging by the fact that she lives with her grandma (and probably rents out her own apartment for steady source of income) her parents aren't that rich. Maybe she sees you as "I had to settle for less than I wanted" hence all manipulations (i.e. she doesn't love you).

As for language - your language is not very easy. And taking 1 class/mo will not generate much progress for her. I personally found group classes much more engaging and efficient. Usually embassies offer these classes. Maybe you can check with your embassy in Moscou. 

[mies]

If it were me, and I cared,  I'd be in her face about this.

If it were me, I'd think to myself   "What a lazy ass"

A lot of women are very sensitive...I might roll with that one depending on the degree you are talking about.

If it were me, and I was dealing with unjustified discussions about loyalty all the time...I'd get fed up with it, and might give her genuine reason to be concerned rather than the fiction she currently has in her head. I certainly wouldn't permit myself to be subjected to ridiculous questions. 

I would NOT hook her up with a job again...let her find her own damn job!

I assume you have no children with her. 
If so, she is doing you a HUGE favor here....she is in Moscow currently so LEAVE HER THERE!   Start the divorce paperwork, and be done with her.  What you are experiencing now is likely going to stay the same or worsen....When marriage becomes THAT difficult, then in my opinion it is time to get back to enjoying the single life. 


Fathertime!

for the first time since I read Fathertime on this forum I fully agree with every single word (except for the crossed out ones) in his post.

[mies]

She knows very good she will lose her living card if we break up.
She is 100% sure not here for a visum to move to europe. She has rich parents and has her own luxuous apartment in Moscow. She's not financial dependent.

For now, yes. But her parents are getting older (may they live many years), and health deteriorates with age. Financial crisis eats up savings. And renting out an apartment provides a modest income. What will she do if something happens to her father? If her parents decide to retire? If something happens to the source of business of her parents?

Still funny, how you say she is not financially dependent, but you gave her a job, you are paying for flights (don't you? or does she pay for them?), and you will be paying for the kid if she has a child. 

[dragonkid]

the way I read it, you are her "retirement package" as there is a steady supply in Moscow of 18-20yo beauties from all-over the country. And some of them have rich parents too. If the Russian man is rich, and 36yo, he'd be much more likely to date someone young and "fresh". For marriages he'd be probably looking for a woman with even more "powerful" parents, who can boost his business/career. Plus at 36 majority of Russian men who wanted to get married and start a family are already married with young children.
Judging by the fact that she lives with her grandma (and probably rents out her own apartment for steady source of income) her parents aren't that rich. Maybe she sees you as "I had to settle for less than I wanted" hence all manipulations (i.e. she doesn't love you).

As for language - your language is not very easy. And taking 1 class/mo will not generate much progress for her. I personally found group classes much more engaging and efficient. Usually embassies offer these classes. Maybe you can check with your embassy in Moscou.

It will just mentally drain you, she doesn't sound too good for you. Just abort. 

[boule-de-neige]

Block in social networks and in the phone is childhood. An adult and clever person can not do it. Only unbalanced and hysterical person may do so. People do not change, and she will not change. Run from her, my friend, run. There are such men too. Who blocks everywhere and puts his head in the sand like an ostrich. Very weak, insecure. It's even worse. 

[Marta7]

Wow. Just wow. I'm sorry to say it, but I'm glad I'm not in your shoes my friend. You've got quite the uphill battle ahead of you. Good luck and welcome to the forum.

You need I am. I started working on the farm from the second month of stay in the United States. I washed the tractors, cleaned the garage after the tractors, I  Spraying pesticides weeds I was mowing the grass, I cleaned the house, I cut through the woods to the mother of my husband. For 8 months I got an American driving license, I am a student 8 months already. I live in the us only 1 year and 6 months years.

[2tallbill]

You need I am. I started working on the farm from the second month of stay in the United States. I washed the tractors, cleaned the garage after the tractors, I  Spraying pesticides weeds I was mowing the grass, I cleaned the house, I cut through the woods to the mother of my husband. For 8 months I got an American driving license, I am a student 8 months already. I live in the us only 1 year and 6 months years.

Welcome to the forum!

Udachi!

Bill

[Chicagoguy]

You need I am. I started working on the farm from the second month of stay in the United States. I washed the tractors, cleaned the garage after the tractors, I  Spraying pesticides weeds I was mowing the grass, I cleaned the house, I cut through the woods to the mother of my husband. For 8 months I got an American driving license, I am a student 8 months already. I live in the us only 1 year and 6 months years.

You are doing well ! You sound like a native already.

[Marta7]

Hi there neighbour!

Seem you have gotten a sample of the entitled RW that MrsShadow likes to warn men for.
Every person is different and it is up to you to allow or disallow her to do things.

First of all, moving back and forth constantly does get in the way of integration. If she speaks English, she will notice that learning your language (Dutch? ) is not a priority as she will be able to find people who understand here everywhere.
I'll be good and faithful wife to you. I really want to have a good family.


Her jealousy is a character trait. You will have to deal with it. Best way is to spend time with her and ensure she knows where yo uare and why you are there. Stay together instead of going your separate ways, in which ever country you choose to be.

Having a job will ensure her not to have to follow all integration and language classes. Yet some might be mandatory for a passport in the future. The 5 year card can be withdrawn should the marriage end, she might be reminded of that.

If she blocks you, let it be. It is a Russian habint to walk away when angry, and it is also a habit that they come back when calmed down. Acting like a puppy following her will not get you respect, and that is what you seem to lack at this time.

Become more decisive, stronger and lead things where you want them to go. Take her tantrums with calm, and remember that blocking on social media is nothing compared to a block in real life. If she is insecure about what you do when you are not there, it is her choice to be with you, not yours to lock yourself out of life.

[GoldGerard]

Hello,

I meet my russian wife in Moscow about 2,5 years ago and got married about 1 year ago. We have the same age.
Since juli last year she has her 5 year living card and we still travel a lot between moscow and my country.

my experiences after marriage:
- we ordered a private teacher for language  but she is extreme slow with spending time for learning and only had 5-6 lessons in 5 months.
- she sleeps every day till 11 AM
- she is extreme sensitive
- she don't trust me (and has no reasons for that)
- she asked me for a job and I gave her a job in my own company, but she never worked 1 minute. She is always "busy"

recent big fight:
We were together almost 1 month in Moscow and everything was very good. I flight back home and the next day I went to a birthday party from an old collegue. She was so angry when she heared about this that she blocked me on whatsapp/facebook now for already 1 week.

As reasons she says:
She says we cannot have a relation anymore , because you do that only you want not count with me, because you change me for party, because I don't know what to expect from you , because next day after you left me you already went to party, because your priority was party , not family ...

Since 2,5 years I didn't went to any "nightlife" anymore, this was just a simple birthday event. I don't see any problem because i was alone at home and she was in Moscow. I don't have contact with other womans and never cheated on her and I really do my very best to make her happy. I totally didn't expected response like this.
She don't give any chance to talk, just blocks.

Why does she not trust me? How can I win more trust? Is this normal? Did I made a mistake by going some small birthday event?
Do you guys have similar experiences with the other items?

It's interesting to read about the situation the topic starter experienced and your views on that. Sure, it's only the view from one side but things like that are not rare. I had a client recently who was experiencing such misunderstandings with his fiancée who arrived to the USA that he was going to send her home.

My point to you guys is to make "managing expectations" your mantra during the dating stage of your relationship. I gave a couple of tips to our client from the USA (who was by the way a university professor and similar age to his fiancée), and he sent me his wedding photos in 2 weeks. That's quite a transformation. If there is love and will to make the relationship work, you just need to know how.

To guys trying to understand what's happening in their relationships, advice from a relationship coach who understands the Russian culture could make a big difference.

[msmobyone]

Any chance of booting out postings who spam  from Elenasmodels ...?

Personally, speaking .. SC having a friend who was thinking of joining to seek a western guy ...I recommended fdating, russiancupid, mamba ...

Elenasmodels WAS good ... it has 'lost' the plot and ladies know it

[GoldGerard]

Any chance of booting out postings who spam  from Elenasmodels ...?

Personally, speaking .. SC having a friend who was thinking of joining to seek a western guy ...I recommended fdating, russiancupid, mamba ...

Elenasmodels WAS good ... it has 'lost' the plot and ladies know it

I appreciate your opinion for EM, but the website is still having plenty of profiles i.e. around 2 Million , it cannot be said that EM was good, it is doing a good job. I have gone through some of your posts here and found that you don’t have the solution for anyone’s problem, I am not criticizing you, but that’s how I felt. Now, let’s come to mrt’s problem that why I have recommended dating coaching program to him, that you have considered as spam. Marriage is a very delicate relationship that needs to be taken care of, a small misunderstanding can ruin the relation. As mrt’s marriage is going through a tough time, and it could result in something really unpleasant, either separation or divorce. So, in my opinion, they should consult a Russian dating & relationship coach whose understanding of a Russian woman is better than anyone else.

[msmobyone]

I appreciate your opinion for EM, but the website is still having plenty of profiles i.e. around 2 Million , it cannot be said that EM was good,

If you appreciate my opinion - then LISTEN ..it was indeed good and popular ... As I knew many people who used it and met their partners there..

it is doing a good job. I have gone through some of your posts here and found that you don’t have the solution for anyone’s problem,

Now, I know you're fibbing as if you had checked you'd have realised that over the past 10 years I've ensured numerous folk with FSU brides partners - who were initially refused entry to the UK - were able to reside there ..

IF you had checked - you'd have realised that I spend nearly half my time in Russia, have a Russian partner and -as advised - know plenty of ladies looking for w.guys...I've been going to Ukraine/ Russia for two decades for work and relationship visits.

You are in denial, naturally - as you are involved with EM...


Your site is a shadow of it's former self -there are FAR busier sites with more active members and better interfaces.

Now, let’s come to mrt’s problem that why I have recommended dating coaching program to him, that you have considered as spam.

It's spam as you are selling a service.  Marriage counsellors are experts - not 'dating coaches'.

So, in my opinion, they should consult a Russian dating & relationship coach whose understanding of a Russian woman is better than anyone else.

In my opinion you are selling - and have no genuine interest in any members predicament. A pretty tacky intervention at that

Spam .... pure and simple

[Boethius]

Marriage is a very delicate relationship that needs to be taken care of, a small misunderstanding can ruin the relation. As mrt’s marriage is going through a tough time, and it could result in something really unpleasant, either separation or divorce. So, in my opinion, they should consult a Russian dating & relationship coach whose understanding of a Russian woman is better than anyone else.

1.  Marriages between people who genuinely love each other are not that delicate that relations can be ruined so easily.

2.  mrt doesn't need a dating coach.  He's already married.  He could just as easily see a marriage counselor in his own country to resolve matters.