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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473608 times)

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Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3025 on: August 25, 2021, 07:32:45 AM »
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3026 on: August 25, 2021, 10:44:49 AM »
Now and then I still like watching the '70s humor. Back when society wasn't so broken with righteous sensitivities, cancel culture wasn't in anyone's imagination, and comedy was still looked upon as - comedy.

All In The Family, Archie Bunker, exemplified that. I'm glad cancel culture hasn't taken the archives from circulation. At least not yet.

http://archive.org/details/AllInTheFamilyCousinMaudesVisitS2E13
Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3027 on: September 15, 2021, 05:11:44 PM »
Norm McDonald died of leukemia [age 61] He had this cancer for almost 10 years and kept it to himself and his family. He was a funny story teller.



 
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline BillyB

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3028 on: September 17, 2021, 12:49:10 AM »



Nancy Pelosi is so upset at the handling of Afghanistan she began impeachment hearings on Trump.
Fund the audits, spread the word and educate people, write your politicians and other elected officials. Stay active in the fight to save our country. Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776.

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3029 on: September 24, 2021, 01:19:54 PM »
We couldn't stop laughing----
           http://imgur.com/gallery/3noLeQL
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3030 on: September 30, 2021, 05:43:38 PM »
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
 demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
 
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
 instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
 orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
 corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator'
 for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with
 his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so if it goes to court, I'll remember that you were an ass hole!"
Two months later they are in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he
 is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
 "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine,
 same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you
 don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass hole?"
“Well, sir, you might know your client better than I do.”

How often can someone hire an attorney that will wind up convicting their own client?
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline Grumpy

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3031 on: October 06, 2021, 10:56:22 AM »
Good women are not cheap
Cheap women are not good
(but they can be a lot of fun)

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3032 on: October 23, 2021, 09:36:06 AM »
Faux Pas came up with the best line----
   



~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3033 on: November 15, 2021, 06:53:28 PM »
He won't want to go next year.
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3034 on: November 16, 2021, 10:19:33 AM »
This too funny not to get posted in "Time for some Humor" section...


Apparently, Kamala Harris is so disliked by the Biden administration at how she literally turned everything delegated to her causes an embarrassment to the administration, that she's deemed as a useless idiot. Prompting The Onion to post this headline (LMAO):


"WHITE HOUSE Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case An Email Comes Through".


To be fair to Kamala, her boss 'ain't all that great at anything either'



Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3035 on: November 16, 2021, 10:22:17 AM »
Can't she be assigned to screw someone ?
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3036 on: November 16, 2021, 11:01:45 AM »
Can't she be assigned to screw someone ?


They would, but they fear she'd screw that up, too! It's so bad at 1600 Pennsylvania today that even with its announcer, Kamala just can't get a break.


Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

Offline tfcrew

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~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3038 on: November 21, 2021, 12:43:19 AM »
What happens when a fully loaded armored truck driving on the freeway at fairly high speed and the door all of the sudden swings open?

http://vm.tiktok.com/TTPd2SjmNs/

The freeway shuts down full of happy people!
Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3039 on: December 05, 2021, 12:38:11 PM »
This is a real thing available on Amazon for $39.99

A cat backpack, you can carry snowball around with you
in this stylish kitty carrier.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2021, 12:41:29 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3040 on: February 19, 2022, 05:43:51 PM »
A woman's view of men.....


A man's view of women....
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3041 on: February 21, 2022, 02:08:16 PM »
 This pirate walks into a bar..and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
 "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
 "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
 "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
 The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? "The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand got cut off. I got fitted with this hook but I'm fine, really."
 "What about that eye patch?"
 "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
 "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."
 "Well.. it was just right after I got this damned hook."
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3042 on: February 23, 2022, 09:34:41 AM »
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal: 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12.  'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3043 on: February 23, 2022, 02:53:00 PM »
Quote
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
In Russia...vodka IS the MoviPrep.
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3044 on: March 17, 2022, 05:28:20 PM »
Wife tells about various jokes circulating in Ukraine.

Russian soldier: 

These Ukrainians are all criminals and thieves.

You cannot leave your tank for even a few minutes or they will steal it.
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Grumpy

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3045 on: March 17, 2022, 05:41:35 PM »
Wife tells about various jokes circulating in Ukraine.

Russian soldier: 

These Ukrainians are all criminals and thieves.

You cannot leave your tank for even a few minutes or they will steal it.

Typical Russian, complaining that they let him escape before capturing his tank.  :rolleyes:
Good women are not cheap
Cheap women are not good
(but they can be a lot of fun)

Offline Nightwish

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3046 on: March 18, 2022, 02:52:57 AM »
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out.

Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps.
‘Why DO you do that?’
‘I'm just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren't on the front page.’
‘The one I'm looking for will be.’
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3047 on: March 19, 2022, 08:46:26 AM »
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out.

Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps.
‘Why DO you do that?’
‘I'm just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren't on the front page.’
‘The one I'm looking for will be.’

Excellent !!
Thanks for posting.
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Boethius

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3048 on: March 19, 2022, 09:36:45 PM »
I found this humorous.


Putin: We might have to put the USA in its place : r/memes




« Last Edit: March 20, 2022, 02:16:00 AM by Boethius »
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #3049 on: March 21, 2022, 11:14:11 AM »
 Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared...
 
  ...and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...
 
 The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
 
 The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
 
 Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
 
 The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
 
 In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
 
 The villagers gathered up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
 
 They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
 
 Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
 Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
 
 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
 I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favor raise your hand.
 
 America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote
 
 The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
 
 People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
 
 I once meet an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up
« Last Edit: March 21, 2022, 11:21:01 AM by tfcrew »
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

 

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