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Author Topic: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?  (Read 3304 times)

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Offline myrddin

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10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« on: May 23, 2018, 08:15:24 AM »
It's been over 10 years since I stumbled upon RWD after being contacts by a few scammers online. I avoided losing money then by the highly expedient, but hardly recommended, method having virtually none.

I've been reading this board on and off, sometimes off for years. Even when I was active, I'd go through long phases where I assumed I had nothing interesting to add and so wouldn't post for weeks or months.

When I started here, there were a handful of OMBs at or closing in on 10 year marriages. To me it was some almost mystical milestone, certainly something that I would called success.

Now there are guys closer to 20 years of marriage with FSUW. At that point, the questions aren't about the "secrets of cross-cultural marriage," but rather the "secrets of marriage."

Even divorce isn't necessarily "failure." The raging dumpster fires we read about failed long before any piece of paper said so, often in very early stages.  there are people here I respect greatly who have been in situations where the best available choice was to end things, which isn't the same thing as failure. (I've been there myself, in my first marriage to a WW.)

So what constitutes "success"?

Is success a deliriously happy marriage lasting decades? Or a long-term marriage with more ups than downs?

Life is interesting, to be sure, and it would be foolish to expect a literal "happily ever after."  I know this. Yet I sometimes imagine there are people living that never-ending fairy tale and I think, "I'm not perpetually ecstatic - what the hell?!"

I've been back often enough to know what happened to some of those who welcomed me a decade ago. Some of the posters I remember ,including some I knew off-board, have not been around in years. I wonder how they're doing.


And I know of some who have never posted, some of whom have been here 3 or 7 or 11 years.  I wonder about them, too - do they scour the board for advice and find as much help as I di, or do they simply like reading forums? Nothing wrong with that - may you find what you want and want what you find.

I took the advice I found here and sifted through it, and then did what I thought suited me best. Mostly. I may be absolutely unique in, once in a while, relying too heavily on certain bits of advice rather than my own instincts. That's no fault of any advice-giver, but it surely appears that the exact opposite is a more common problem.

You have to be at least a bit adventurous to try this gambit in the first place, not to mention stubborn (or loony), as is most likely a lady willing to entertain the idea of moving halfway across a planet for a man.

Clearly RWD is a success.  The founders and many of the frequent posters accomplished their goal of making it easier for guys who are interested to share advice about searching for love in FSU countries and cultures. I went in to most situations with a lot more experiences and wisdom behind me than I should have had.

Yet that knowledge was no accident. I absorbed tens of thousands of posts in my first couple years. That helped me avoid several of the classic mis-steps, freeing me to learn from my own more novel, more personal mistakes.

Websites were different when I started. Apps were beyond my consciousness. (Recently I saw ads for Uber and even some Waze app users all over Ukraine.)

Read and pay attention, and RWD can help you get to the starting gate. But the best research does is improve your odds.  Human nature doesn't change as fast as technology and, at some point, if you're lucky, you find yourself dealing with a real ,individual, complex, feeling person, and no two situations are exactly the same.

If I had advice it would be: work on yourself. Always. Become someone worthy of the woman you want, even if she is already with you.

So, what is "success"?

It's not just a proposal or a visa or a marriage certificate, or a blue passport.

Am I a success story?

I learned everything I could and tried to apply it to my own life. Then  my life kept changing. I got a head start but there is no finish line. I kept reflecting on things, some long past, and wondering if I had handled them better could it have helped later. There's a lot I could have done better, and a lot I can do better now and in the future.

I still mentally dwell on mistakes too much. I know that being happy "all the time" is considered delirium, and it's actually a problem. What stands between us and utopia is reality.


My life changed so much from that time when I discovered this forum that it's hard to contemplate. I was too busy to take in the big picture. And god help me, I missed you guys. Some of you :P

It's been one hell of a ride, with bad times and great times, sometimes simultaneously.

In our 8th year of marriage, we have 2 amazing, beautiful children whose Russian is already better than mine. We've moved 6 times. We've been to 12 states and 5 countries. Thanks to my wife, I've crammed more living into the last 10 years than the previous 35, by orders of magnitude. Almost without realizing it.

I think I've been mistakenly looking too long to judge the "success" part.

So loose a label is not really useful. There is no distinct time or event, no specific single goal to look towards.


Nor is it solely about some number of years.  I once thought 10 years was the mark for a "success story," but there is no mark.

It's the "story" part that matters.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2018, 06:47:19 PM by myrddin »
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein

Offline alex330

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Re: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2018, 09:07:03 AM »
Excellent post, thanks for sharing. Definitely a few things things I can relate to.


(maybe an admin can clean up the formatting to make an easier read)

Offline Jumper

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Re: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2018, 01:38:16 PM »
Great post!

Welcome back :)
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Offline BillyB

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Re: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2018, 04:32:34 PM »
Well written and thanks for sharing!
Fund the audits, spread the word and educate people, write your politicians and other elected officials. Stay active in the fight to save our country. Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776.

Offline BdHvA

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Re: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2018, 05:19:12 PM »
Thank you for posting this. It is reassuring to read both sanguine and insightful thoughts here.

Yes I think RWD is sometimes helpful for those who want to be helped.
Experierence is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. A. Huxley

Offline msmob

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Re: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2018, 02:03:25 AM »
Agreed - a wonderful post.  Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts


Offline CaptB

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Re: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2018, 02:26:57 AM »
Myrddin,


Congratulations on ten years. It did not seem like that long ago that 10 years "was" a mythical number in this process. Now.....a significant number have reached this milestone. When I started on the RWG around 1998.......the ten year mark for anybody seemed a long way off. Still.... 10 years is something to be proud off. May your next 10 years be as good....or better.....than the first.


Capt B
"A Yooper in Moscovia"

Offline GenMish

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Re: 10 Years On – What is a “Success Story”?
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2018, 01:38:51 PM »
Great Post Myrddin
 I divorced last year after 23 years of marriage to a Russian lady, and I will call it a success...perhaps a painful one, but a success nonetheless
It was 15 great years, followed by 5 so so, and then the last tough years as we grew apart

We had great years, and a great child together

 

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