Russian Women Discussion
RWD Discussion Groups => Starting Out => Topic started by: catzenmouse on May 25, 2005, 08:57:05 AM
-
At the suggestion of another member here I'd like to hear about the issues that have come up in the first year of marriage to a FSUW. I'll be adding the issues that we have come across as I get a chance.
The biggest thing so far (in our young marriage) has been the language issues. Saying something that is perfectly understandable to me but was either misunderstood or understood in a way that caused a problem. 99% of these were easily cleared up with some talk but a couple took days to get over.
Ken
-
Language has been a problem, even though Veronica knows how to speak English really well. She'll miss a word or two here and there, and that sometimes causes her to misunderstand the thrust of my comments.
An associated issue is cultural misunderstandings.
For us, the biggest issue has been the early months before she got a driver's license and a job. She often felt lonely and isolated, and sometimes became frustrated and depressed.
There was also the adjustment period in any new marriage (particularly one where before marriage it was a long-distance relationship). We had to learn how to live with one another, and learn to understand each other's needs and desires more easily.
It takes work on the part of both people, and lots and lots of patience on the part of the husband.
Chuck and Veronica
-
Elena is in the midst of feeling lonely and shut out from the world. Missing her family and friends. Missing her city, the food, the language, and the HUGE difference in how everything is done here. We are working on learning to drive but when someone as an adult has never driven it is a looooong process! She's getting better but I see this taking months at least.
Getting to know Chuck & Veronica and the others in the DC area is helping but I think that it will take a location change on our part to make a genuine difference. Richmond does have a Russian community but most that she has talked to don't like it here so it is not a positive for Elena. It's just too "Good 'Ol Boy" and stuck in the past to appreciate the gem that she is. I've lived her long enough that I didn't even notice it anymore but seeing it with her reminds me of the first couple of years that I lived here after I moved back from Canada.
Ken
-
Keep it coming Ken. You're giving me flashbacks from over two years ago. Funny how we forget so quickly..
-
Deja vu
-
While I don't have anything to offer, I'm finding this thread highly interesting as Kate will be here in a couple of months.
great idea!
Todd
-
I was married to a Russian woman once. So I know a thing or two.
1) Keep em busy. Some kind of work, English lessons a hobby perhaps a new pet?
2) I think jb suggested to have a good open balance on a credit card so that they can personalize the home.
3) Spend allot of time with them. As much as you can. Have that cell phone with you 24/7 when you have to be separated (work?) Take allot of trips but do it gradual. Too much at the begining can overwhelm them.
4) Try and get them to find favorite restaurants, TV shows etc. Something to help them develop a feeling of home which is more than just a house. I found the use of English subtitles turned on the TV greatly helped her comprehend the TV and movies.
5) Phonecards or service to call home when ever they want.
6) Get a car. A decent size car they can smash up. They usually do. Have it sitting in the garage waiting while she does her driver's lessons. Good idea is to have those done in Russia before she comes.
7) Introduce your family or friends slowly. Don't give her the feeling you are trying to show her off like a doll as one RW told me her ex-fiance did. RW are very sensitive to outsiders.
Don't be shocked or discouraged that after all that she says you do nothing for her.
Maxx
-
Don't be shocked or discouraged that after all that she says you do nothing for her.
Maxx
LOL! This is one of those adjustments the guy has to make, and it varies by woman, of course, but it can be a bit unsettling at first. My wife is very quick to say "thank you very much, it's wonderful" when I do the little extra things around the house that are unexpected (I.E. bring home a single red rose, just because it's Tuesday, etc...). But on the really big things, where I've had to move mountains to make something happen, or gone well above and beyond the usual AM call of duty.......zip - dead air. Her attitude is, You're supposed to do that, your my husband. What I've learned is that there are some things she feels "entitled to" and any work put into making those things a reality, she will not consider as "doing something for her".
-
I expected and planned on Elena wanting to redo the decorations or paint or whatever in the house as it in many ways is a typical bachelor pad. Dartboard and pool table in one room with typical guy room decorations on the walls, swords, dragons, big cats around the house but every time I bring it up she says that I lived here a long time and she doesn't want to change anything. She told me (and others that have asked her about redecorating) that she found it very comforting and cozy when she cam here. I have pictures of her and Sergei all over the place, at least 3 or 4 in every room, so she said that she felt that she was already here when she arrived.
She did agree that when we move into another house she will be putting her dva roublee into it. I fully expect to have a honey-do list that will keep me busy until the end of the century!
I have tried to get her interested in doing side work in sewing as she is very talented and the stuff she has made is much better in quality than anything you can buy off the rack but she always tells me she is not professional and cannot charge someone because of that. We got her into ESL classes here but they are very basic classes given by a local church and she has already blown way ahead of the rest of the class. When the college offers the class again in fall we'll get her in there.
Maxx mentioned about turning the closed captioning on during TV and movies and we have been doing that from the start which she likes as it is easier for her to read the words than to understand them sometimes. Same problem in public occasionally as native speakers will mumble and speak too quickly for her to catch what she has said. And one thing that really bugs her is that fact that almost no one can pronounce her name correctly. It is the soft sounds in Russian that are totally lacking in the English language.
Ken
-
Maxx Wrote:
> 1) Keep em busy. Some kind of work, English lessons a hobby perhaps a new pet?
Good idea.
2) I think jb suggested to have a good open balance on a credit card so that they can personalize the home.
Be prepared for the fact that they will have great difficulty understanding credit cards and debit cards, and the differences between them. The FSU is largely a cash-only economy, and the use of credit cards, debit cards, and checks are very difficult for the ladies to understand.
4) Try and get them to find favorite restaurants, TV shows etc. Something to help them develop a feeling of home which is more than just a house. I found the use of English subtitles turned on the TV greatly helped her comprehend the TV and movies.
My wife was not interested at all in Russian-language programming. She said she wanted to learn English better, and didn't want to waste her time with Russian TV shows. We did get the English subtitles set up, and still have them too after a year. I began to like having them too. Now I know what the singers are saying when I watch MTV. :-)
7) Introduce your family or friends slowly. Don't give her the feeling you are trying to show her off like a doll as one RW told me her ex-fiance did. RW are very sensitive to outsiders.
Veronica really hungered for more interactions early on. That may vary from lady to lady. Be watchful of who she is introduced to, though. There are some unhappy RW out there that will do more harm than good.
A corollary to that is that if a Russian woman says it's true, even if she's been in the country only a few months, it MUST be true. The ladies tend to give an awful lot of credence to what another Russian woman says.
Chuck in D.C.
-
And the saga continues...
One thing that really bothered Elena was when her grandmother fell and broke her hip. That was about 2 months ago and she really went into a funk for awhile over it. Partly because she lived with her grandmother and partly because it added more stress unto her mother. Mother was working 2 jobs already but now she had to go to the hospital twice a day to care and clean up after grandmother. The other daughter of grandmother visited once or twice and then disappeared from the responsibilities. Elena is quite pissed at her aunt who has not rented her flat (Elena's and grandmothers) to a friend and wants to sell it and all the contents so that she (aunt) can get a bigger flat.
This situation has made Elena feel useless in the family and if we had our AOS and Advance Parole I would send her to visit for a time but without the AP we cannot take that chance.
Grandmother got out of the hospital last week and is living with Elena's mother right now as she cannot walk or do much of anything for herself so it is grandmother, mother, daughter (Elena's sister) and her boyfriend all living in a two room flat right now. Add unto that the boyfriends father died yesterday and the stress level has got to be through the roof right now. I talked to Elena last evening about anything that we could do to help out but aside from sending them some cash we are really out of the loop.
I did get a little boost for her yesterday when I brought home a new serger machine for her. Does some special stitching for seams and such. She gave me hell for spending the money but I told her it was an early birthday present and I did not do it because I felt I had to but because I wanted to do it for her.
Back to pretending I am working...
Ken
-
Ken,
There's no excuse for not having the Advance Parole after this much time. You are entitled to go to the local BCIS office and have the AP issued on the spot in cases of real family emergency. You will need documentation to back that up, but you could do it in a day if she really needs to attend to a sick relative.
Contrary to popular opinion, the BCIS is not completely heartless.
-
Ken,
There's no excuse for not having the Advance Parole after this much time. You are entitled to go to the local BCIS office and have the AP issued on the spot in cases of real family emergency. You will need documentation to back that up, but you could do it in a day if she really needs to attend to a sick relative.
Contrary to popular opinion, the BCIS is not completely heartless.
JB,
Thanks for the info. They may not be heartless but they are certainly inept with the best of them. If we did go to them and get the AP I really can't be sure they won't screw it up for her on her return and not let her back in. We've already (on several occasions now) had to reacreate and resend to them documents that they have in thier possession. The last call I had with them the woman suggested I file a Freedom of Information Act request to get them to find their own files. I work in the heart of stupidity, red tape, and buracratic BS but these guys at USCIS make the Fed look like a well oiled machine.
Ken
-
We've already (on several occasions now) had to reacreate and resend to them documents that they have in thier possession. The last call I had with them the woman suggested I file a Freedom of Information Act request to get them to find their own files. I work in the heart of stupidity, red tape, and buracratic BS but these guys at USCIS make the Fed look like a well oiled machine.
Ken
Every guy's fear when he sends off his fiancee's or wife's papers to the USCIS.
Maxx
-
Ken,
I should have mentioned that I have personal[/b] experience in this arena. We went to the local office and had both the EAD and AP issued on the same day after they have failed to do the job within the alloted 90 days.
Just be sure you have photocopies of every form you've ever filed along with the receipt showing they have it somewhere in the files. If you cover your own back doors, they are actually easy pray to the man who insists on service and won't back down from the first clerk who says "No" when you need them to do the job they've been paid to do.
These people are our public servants, not our masters.
-
Ken:
You are just starting!!
Hmm, can you say punching-bag? Get used to it for a while. Misconceptions are very common, you'll have to be very patient. Also, you'll have to be a lawyer, doctor, banker, political scientist, government official, engineer, and shell-answer man.
Get her to drive. Once she knows how to drive, get her a cellphone and tell her to go for a ride. When she gets lost trying to find her way back, ask her to call you. If you think I'm joking, think again. She needs to get acclimated to this country ASAP. The sooner you let go of her hand, the happier both of you will be.
-
Muzh,
Not sure what you mean by punching bag. If you read my earlier post you will see that we are learning to drive and as far as holding her hand goes she does not need her hand held in anything she does. The most help I give is to explain how something works here or to help with the English confusion.
Ken
Ken:
You are just starting!!
Hmm, can you say punching-bag? Get used to it for a while. Misconceptions are very common, you'll have to be very patient. Also, you'll have to be a lawyer, doctor, banker, political scientist, government official, engineer, and shell-answer man.
Get her to drive. Once she knows how to drive, get her a cellphone and tell her to go for a ride. When she gets lost trying to find her way back, ask her to call you. If you think I'm joking, think again. She needs to get acclimated to this country ASAP. The sooner you let go of her hand, the happier both of you will be.
-
OK,,,adios
-
Ken,
I should have mentioned that I have personal[/b] experience in this arena. We went to the local office and had both the EAD and AP issued on the same day after they have failed to do the job within the alloted 90 days.
All I can say is that they do things different in Texas than they do in Miami. Here, "an emergency" is DEATH, nothing short of an immediate family member's death certificate will do, period. A sister's boyfriend's father, is NOT immediate family. It took us 5 months, using every trick I learned from those who went before us, and a few I came up with on my own.
As for the EAD, it works like this: No walk-ins and no scheduling of an appointment until 90 days has past. Appointments were running 3 weeks out. Go to the appointment and show your copies of original submission, they glance over them and schedule you for another appointment a month after that. Lil's EAD took 160 days from sending off the forms/check to having a card in her hand.
Every office does things their own way, and none are answerable to anyone at the 800 number, nor can they be contacted by phone, so you never know what you're gonna get, might go smooth...might not.
-
Ken,
Looking over your posts I get the feeling that you are doing quite well. That you seem to try to see your world through her eyes says alot.
Linking happiness with location though is not good.. problems seem to travel right along with us. At this point anywhere will not be as good as 'back home'.
One thing I do during 'confuse' (arguments) is break off in the middle of the 'heat', give her a smoocher, restate that the cause of this 'confuse' was external to our relationship and get agreement before continuing the heated discourse. Whenever possible defining troubles external to the 'person to person' relationship seems to keep things in control.
Sort of like 'yeah darlink, we live in a real sh!thole town but it has nothing to do with how we feel for each other.. right?'
The real personal/relationship issues usually require much insight into yourself. Instead of pressing my point to a deadlock I'll say 'let me think about that'.. suggest a quick walk in the park or something to reflect. The adjustment period is not a one sided affair. In retrospect I have to say in many cases she was right even though the logic she used was.. well.. quite foreign.
As in many European countries (and I consider FSU European), the 'kitchen table' argument is a national passtime. Many here may find themselves playing with short hands.
One thing I do find refreshing is that my wife is quite a 'straight shooter' when problems arise and does not disguise true concerns by finding something else to argue about. This can be unnerving at first being so used to 'talk around' the problem.
Regarding contact with other FSU folks in the area, initially I tried to push such contacts but my wife did not want to meet other RU folks at first so I dropped the efforts. Seems my wife didn't relish playing the 'newbie' on the block role and waited until her feet were solidly planted before reaching outwards.
-
I have to say this is a most interesting series of posts. Sometimes you think you just have a gal who is a little wacky but you love her anyway and want to just over look it and it is obvious here that many people are dealing with the exact same issues.
The talking around thing is the one that drove me crazy the first time or two. All of a sudden she decides I am rude but can't come up with a reason or that we like different things but can't say what and once she gets it off her chest I find out what is really bothering her is something connected with life in America or she wants some kind of assurances about me helping her deal with language issues. She never really thought I was rude or that we did not have a lot in common.
Now that I have learned a little more about the mysteries of her mind and moods I just let her go on and sooner or later she will bring up what is really bothering her. Usually it is not till after I have said, oh that is ok darling, I want you to be happy so I will just notify the embassy to stop work on the visa. Usually about a half hour later she will come out with what is really bothering her. We then deal with it, find a way to solve it and go back to being happy.
-
Ken,
Linking happiness with location though is not good.. problems seem to travel right along with us. At this point anywhere will not be as good as 'back home'.
BC,
I am not looking at a location change to fix things. Just to give us both more opportunities to develop as individuals and to grow as a couple. We live about 20 minutes outside of the city and until Elena learns how to drive she is essentially stuck here. This means no access to schools, shopping, daycare, parks, etc. until I get home in the evening or on weekends. I'd like to get us to a place where she does not have to depend on me for this liberation and she can go and do what she wants when she wants. That's the main gist of wanting to relocate. We both like our home so it is not a panic situation and it is more of a if something good comes up and we agree that it will work for both of us then we will do it. If not I can stay at the Fed and we will just keep on keeping on.
We're off to go fix my mom's broken toilet now. Ah the joys of home ownership! ;o)
Ken
-
Today we had a long talk about friendship in America. Elena does not think she will ever have any real friends here. The few women she has tried to delveop a relationship with her started out with "call me" and "I'll call you" and have disappeared. Of the two American women, one was really only looking for someone to fill out her hollow life and the other was trying hard to get Elena into her Baptist church routine.
Of the Russian women she has met here, compared to most she feels quite inadequite, they are all successful, speak English well, can drive, and are basically living the dream (in her eyes), or they tell her that "we all went through it honey so just get over it".
There are a couple of Russian women that she has met that she likes but does not feel okay with just calling to talk and build a relationship with. She thinks they are too busy or that she has nothing to offer in the friendship.
I have been kind of pushing her to call and to see where it goes and to not expect anything so that she won't be disappointed as she has been with the local women here but today I didn't try to tell her that she will find friends. I just listened and let it go. I guess for now I'll just let it lie and see how it goes. Time will tell.
Ken
-
Today we had a long talk about friendship in America. Elena does not think she will ever have any real friends here. The few women she has tried to delveop a relationship with her started out with "call me" and "I'll call you" and have disappeared. [snip]
Of the Russian women she has met here, compared to most she feels quite inadequite, they are all successful, speak English well, can drive, and are basically living the dream (in her eyes), or they tell her that "we all went through it honey so just get over it".
There are a couple of Russian women that she has met that she likes but does not feel okay with just calling to talk and build a relationship with. She thinks they are too busy or that she has nothing to offer in the friendship.
I have been kind of pushing her to call and to see where it goes and to not expect anything so that she won't be disappointed as she has been with the local women here but today I didn't try to tell her that she will find friends. I just listened and let it go. I guess for now I'll just let it lie and see how it goes. Time will tell.
Ken, my suggestion is to keep trying. Do it gently and don't get too pushy, but don't give up.
If you know the husbands of these RW that she likes, maybe you can call or email them and ask that their wives call her. What I've done a couple of times is called up the husband and chatted with him for a few minutes, and then asked if his wife was there because my wife wanted to say hello. Then I gave her the telephone, and usually they end up chatting for an hour (I think it's hard for a RW to have a telephone conversation that lasts less than an hour).
I'll share with you one success we've had recently. I've been trying to get Veronica to agree to have people over our house for ages. There was always one reason or another why she didn't want to. Finally, she agreed (after much moaning and groaning on my part), and we had a small get-together of some Russian/American couples who live within a five-to-10 minute drive from us. The next day she told me she LOVED it! She said "talking with the girls" was like being home in Odessa.
And Ken, you should tell Elena not to feel badly because she can't drive yet. Of the five RW that were there, two of them didn't drive (and one's been in the States for four years). Two had jobs outside the home and one had her own home-based business, but two didn't have jobs yet. Yes, four of them spoke very good English, but one didn't. It was okay.
I'm sorry about the comment she got from one of the RW to "get over it." Keep in mind the RW that she's met that she likes and who have been supportive, and try to develop relationships with them on a couple-to-couple basis if possible.
Chuck in D.C.
-
Ken,
I know my fiancee and future wife will be going through the same thing when she arrives here this fall. I try hard, but find it almost impossible to even begin to know how she will feel or react when she gets here. I know it will be difficult for her just like it has been for your wife. So your experience is a big help to me as is the experience of everyone who has gone through this. Thanks for posting what you are experiencing.
-
Chuck,
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I will encourage her to continue to build these relationships. Calling the husband is a good idea, and yes I agree that there are no short calls with the ladies get going! ;o)
I do think I will give her a week or two to let her feelings settle down a bit. When she gets worked up about something there is no use me trying to argue about it with her as many of you probably find to be true. But when she lets it go a little she has understood what I was trying to say to her and she does appreciate it. I love the way she says "Thank you for the caring about me".
Ken
-
Ken,
I know my fiancee and future wife will be going through the same thing when she arrives here this fall. I try hard, but find it almost impossible to even begin to know how she will feel or react when she gets here. I know it will be difficult for her just like it has been for your wife. So your experience is a big help to me as is the experience of everyone who has gone through this. Thanks for posting what you are experiencing.
Wxman,
I know that all the lessons learned from others has helped me out a lot in this whole thing. I still don't know half of how difficult it is for Elena. I try to understand as much as I can and just listen to her. I think the worst thing for her is when she feels ignored like when we are watching something on TV (and I can zone with the best of them) and she will say something to me and I don't hear it. She does not get mad but I do hear about it later...;o)
I've had to bite my tongue a few times and have truly learned a new level of patience. If there is one thing that we need above all else it is to learn real patience. No matter what we read or hear about other experiences I don't think any of us can be fully prepared for the reality of the situation.
Ken
-
Ken, they are very special women, that's for sure. When Veronica runs down the stairs and jumps into my arms with happiness when I come home from work, it really warms my heart. :)
Chuck in D.C.
-
Ken, they are very special women, that's for sure. When Veronica runs down the stairs and jumps into my arms with happiness when I come home from work, it really warms my heart. :)
Chuck in D.C.
It is truly amazing how the love of these women brings a new wonder into our worlds. When I leave in the morning and Elena walks me to the door and kisses me goodbye it makes my whole day bright.
No matter what troubles we may go through or how hard it can seem to be sometimes, I know every momemt that I am the luckiest man in the world to have found her and I treasure every touch, every look, every second with my little Siberian beauty!
Ken
-
Oh, guys you are so sweet! I think your ladies are very lucky too - to have husbands who care for them and appreciate them like you do!
Last night my man was feeling sick and I spent the whole night fussing around him. He said that nobody ever looked after him so well. It made me feel great. Why can't he get ill more often so I can show him how much I love him? (only kidding - I have hundreds of other ways to show my love) :D
-
[user=300]M&M[/user] wrote:
Last night my man was feeling sick and I spent the whole night fussing around him. He said that nobody ever looked after him so well. It made me feel great. Why can't he get ill more often so I can show him how much I love him? (only kidding - I have hundreds of other ways to show my love) :D
Well, you know how men are babies when it comes to getting sick. We like to be taken care of, and the one time I've been sick in the past year, my wife did a wonderful job of taking care of me.
(In contrast to when I was married to an AW, who gave me zero sympathy, and implied I was a slacker for being sick.)
It almost makes me want to be sick more often! ;)
Chuck in D.C.
-
[user=300]M&M[/user] wrote:
Oh, guys you are so sweet! I think your ladies are very lucky too - to have husbands who care for them and appreciate them like you do!
Last night my man was feeling sick and I spent the whole night fussing around him. He said that nobody ever looked after him so well. It made me feel great. Why can't he get ill more often so I can show him how much I love him? (only kidding - I have hundreds of other ways to show my love) :D
Thank you M&M. Elena and I are just getting to know Chuck and Veronica but after we had spent some time in their company Elena told me that she could see how much Chuck loved Veroinca just by the way he looked at her.
Ken
-
Elena and I are just getting to know Chuck and Veronica but after we had spent some time in their company Elena told me that she could see how much Chuck loved Veroinca just by the way he looked at her.
Thanks Ken. That's sweet of you to say. I am crazy in love with Veronica, that's true -- and it's clear to all that you are head over heels in love with Elena, Ken.
That's one of the things I've noticed you do well. You're quite vocal about how much you love Elena. To bring this thread sorta back on topic, that's one thing I've found that is very, very important with RW (well, I've found it to be true with my RW and other guys have told me it's true with theirs).
RW tend to like to feel special and to know they are loved by their man. During the first half of my first year, we were having some rough spots. Upon MUZH's recommendation, I began being (what seemed to me) way over the top with effusive expressions of love and desire.
Actually, it worked. Our relationship became better and we were happier together.
It seems to be an important part of a successful marriage to a Russian woman.
Chuck in D.C.
-
That's so great that you guys are so much in love with your wives! I am very happy for you all!:D
Chuck, you are right, I think we are emotionally hard maintenance. We want our men to show us how much we are loved - with words, flowers, and actions...
I remember when my mum first met Mark I asked her whether she liked him and she said 'I loved him because of the way he looks at you, his eyes are full of love....'
BTW,while typing this, M&M has gradually melted into little happy puddle on her desk.... :D
-
It doesn't take much.
This morning it was raining hard, Etna needed to go to the college, her car was parked in a puddle of water which would require getting her feet wet if she could get in the car.
I went out, wearing shorts and barefoot, and moved the car up to the door, backing and turning about, so she didn't need to wet her feet. As she got in the car she remarked, "No man has ever done such for me", I replied: "No man has ever loved you so much".
She left with a big smile on her face.
As the magician said, "It's all in the wrist"
-
It doesn't take much.
This morning it was raining hard, Etna needed to go to the college, her car was parked in a puddle of water which would require getting her feet wet if she could get in the car.
I went out, wearing shorts and barefoot, and moved the car up to the door, backing and turning about, so she didn't need to wet her feet. As she got in the car she remarked, "No man has ever done such for me", I replied: "No man has ever loved you so much".
She left with a big smile on her face.
As the magician said, "It's all in the wrist"
From the success stories that I have seen in the FSUW/WM adventure the central factor in all of them is the genuine soul deep love between the couple. I agree that it doesn't take much as far as doing these type of things but isn't that also the everything?
P.S. M&M - You make an awfully cute little puddle...;o)
Ken
-
Something I've noticed from the start with Elena is her amazement with and total lack of understanding for the religous practices and beliefs here in the US. I can't say that I blame her as most of what we have seen so far is people who will start to be her friend but really only want to get her involved with their church but when she tells them she is not interested they either fade away or only contact her sporatically. There have been some who do not behave that way but they are the exception.
She says that the church here is not real church but only an excuse to socialize. Any one else have similar experiences?
Ken
-
The missing 'depth' of history is a part of the culture shock in a very young country. Even I feel this when I visit the US every now and then. 'Real' churches are at least a couple hundred years old and very ornate. The modern churches just don't fit the picture.
My wife just shakes her head when some of the 'singing and fainting' 'modern ministries' are shown sunday morning on satellite TV (yes we get some of those US programs here in EU land too)
-
i'm reading this thread because i see this looming on the horizon..
only comment i can make now is, why would anyone want their FSU lady wanting to get to know any AW? they are shallow, only interested in what they can get, probably will try and sabotage the relationship.. my two sisters and mother will be fine, but AW in general? i think any lady i bring home will quickly understand why i looked in ukraine for a wife.
-
i'm reading this thread because i see this looming on the horizon..
only comment i can make now is, why would anyone want their FSU lady wanting to get to know any AW? they are shallow, only interested in what they can get, probably will try and sabotage the relationship.. my two sisters and mother will be fine, but AW in general? i think any lady i bring home will quickly understand why i looked in ukraine for a wife.
I'm not saying that I want her to be buddy-buddy with any AW here just like I don't want her to be buddy-buddy with just any RW here. She does need to get experience dealing with people in general and it is good to have a few people around that she can have tea with or let the kids play together.
"why would anyone want their FSU lady wanting to get to know any AW" is one of those statements like all "RW are scammers" or "All Southerner's are rednecks". They just don't pan out in the details with individuals. Elena has a very good head on her shoulders and sees people for who they are.
-
Elena has a very good head on her shoulders and sees people for who they are.
that will help...
i do at times gerneralize too much. if a lady from the FSU has a good head on her shoulders, and most do, they will be able to sort out the good from the bad, just as we do..
-
Actually better than we do anono.. they seem to be able to see right through the 'fluff' and detect true substance very quickly.
-
Anno,
Do you have any AW as friends that you can trust? I'm pretty much in the same boat and have couple of close friends whose wives I can trust. My fiancee also has a good shoulder on her head, but when people move to another country, sometimes they make friends for the wrong reasons. They feel alone and sometimes they make friends with people who just seem nice. In their own country, in their own surroundings, they would see through these people. But in an effort to become part of the community in their new country, they may make decisions they normally would not make. I know just how critical my involvement will be during the transistion. I don't want to be overbearing or controlling, but we understand the "sharks" better in our own country.
-
there are a few female family friends.. in general, most AW are unhappy with life and seem to be eager to try and ruin it for everyone else. it might just be the area i live in, i am not sure what the problem is.
there are good AW, just not many that are single and available.
-
there are a few female family friends.. in general, most AW are unhappy with life and seem to be eager to try and ruin it for everyone else. it might just be the area i live in, i am not sure what the problem is.
there are good AW, just not many that are single and available.
I think this is one of the main things we have all found about AW. I've had girlfriends from many different backgrounds (ethnic and financial) and one character that flowed through them all in differing amounts was a basic unhappiness with themselves and life in general. Some tried to manipulate every situation and purpose looking for something they will never find because it comes from the inside.
The first thing that attracted me to Elena was the genuine person that she is. No pretending, no games, no Melrose Place attitudes or behaviors. She likes or she doesn't like as she sees it. She told me awhile ago that sometimes she misses good old Russian rudeness. Americans are always too polite and fake happy.
Ken
-
Hey, be sure to introduce her to those friends who are direct and
not superficial. In my case, that's most of my friends and family.
I remember once telling my parents that I was thinking of removing a wall in a house I had just purchased. My mom said, 'What?! ..You are going to perform an abortion on your house!!'
..Do not hold back, Mom. :D
-
My wife has been here a year and a half. The 1st few months were tough. She missed her mama and sister very much. There would be times we would fight about little things that shouldnt matter,but it was a big deal to her. She was young and in a strange land. I remember telling friends I was ready for her to carry her ass back to Ukraine,but we weathered the storm. She was able to walk into her own business and she has dome remarkable with it. She stays so busy. We were able to go back to Ukraine 9 months after she arrived,then we went back in 6 after that. She calls home to her sister and mother almost every freaking day,but thats alright. She helps them out not because they ask or want her to,but because she can and she wants to. Anyone that thinks this marriage thing is just a walk in the park has got another thing coming when they jump into it. The girl you meet there will be a little different once she arrives and has been here for a week or two. Now I got lucky because i married a great girl. Her mother is actually staying with us for 3 months now until Sept. It's a small price to pay,but it aint bad. She helps Katy in her shop and things are going great. We're going to do Washington DC, a cruise to somewhere warm and probably Vegas,but not because I gamble. My life is good. I got lucky. I try to help everyone thats trying this route because people helped me.
-
Let's see... the best and worst moves I made.
Worst:
Stopping at Taco Bell on the way home from the airport. She said she was hungry so I stopped in to get her a taco. Poor thing had no idea how to eat it with a knife and fork, and when she got the hang of it, it was too spicy.
I quickly learned food is a big issue right away. She was blown away by the supermarkets, but quickly got the hang of it and was throwing expensive fish in the basket in no time. My advice is to get one cook book from her county and make a list of ingredients and have them on hand. Also, don't turn up your nose at what comes out of that kitchen. She fed me brains for our first meal together and I still have a hard time with some of the salads she makes as I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Smile and remind yourself that everything tastes like chicken. She nagged the local supermarket for a year to stock carp in the fish section to no avail. Finding the nearest Russian market, even if it's in the next state, is a real life-saver. I was traveling to Sacramento every two weeks to take her to the Russian market there and it was well worth it.
Second mistake was leaving her at home alone for any period of time. It's a good time for relatives to visit, go on side trips, take her shopping, have welcoming parties, and anything else you can think up to fill up her days and make her feel less lonely. One of the best moves I made was making her take a part time job at the jewelry counter at the mall. She hated it, but she met every othe russian girl in town and they are all still friends years later. If you can make contact with the russian community before she comes, so much the better. We were spending our evenings hosting diner parties for russian girls she had me at the shop earlier in the day. If she feels that you've dumped her at home, without a car, and with nothing to do, you've had it.
The best...
Make her your hobby for the first two years. She might say that she's independent and not clingy but you're her whole universe until she gets established. I signed Natalie up for classes at the community college and drove her there every night. Hit everything at the cinema and even if she doesn't catch everything they are saying, she will appreciate the effort. Get her teeth fixed and any medical needs taken care of right away. Find an internet phone service and get her mom email so they can talk every day without you taking out a second mortgage. Pretty soon you're the "golden" husband. When you hear this, you're over the hump.
The downside to this strategy is weening her from all the attention. Eventually, you're going to want to get back to some of your other interests. I'm still working on this one myself and it hasn't been easy. But I've found that once she builds a circle of friends (especially other russian girls) she's more interested in chatting with them on her cell phone and you'll get a break.
Just my 2 cents.
-
Just to add to my previous thoughts...you're first fight is going to be interesting so be prepared. I can't speak for all RWs but my wife was uncomfortable having an agrument in English. Instead, she got really passive/aggressive as a signal she wasn't pleased with what was going on. I had no clue what the problem was a first, she just wouldn't get out of bed. Then, she left her clothes all over the house at night, then it was the dirty dishes everywhere. Finally, I got the clue and we had a sit down conversation. The problem was that she was used to going to bed at 8:30pm or 9:00pm every night and I was staying up to my customary 11:00pm. But rather than talking it through, she started acting out in other areas. Among the other AM/RW marriages in our area, the first fight was signaled by a coffee cup flying through the shower curtain, the garbage can tipped over in the kitchen, wet laundry, and other kinds of acting out. I'd probably do the same thing if I thought I had to win an argument in Russian.
-
Well we're just a couple of weeks short of Elena being here for a year. She has made great strides in all aspects of the cultural shock/changes that she has gone through. She is still hesitant in many ways about her English abilities but she is much better than she believes. She's been working for a couple of months now in the fabric store and they have told her and me that she is a great employee and they enjoy having her around. She worked briefly at a grocery store but gave that up as they did not work with her on her schedule at the fabric store and would only schedule her for about 10 hours a week. Just wasn't worth the trouble.
She's been taking driving lessons but still has a distinct fear of the car, traffic, and driving in general so I don't know if she will get past this or not. We've driven around a bit in parking lots, etc. so I've seen how she drives in a controlled environment and I'm doubtful that she will ever be comfortable driving. If she doesn't get it I am fine with that and we've talked about this on several occasions. I look at it like this: if she drives we will need another car, insurance, gas, etc. and she will be spending most of her paycheck on that and not on what she wants and her work is only a couple of miles down the road so the bus would work for the times that its raining/snowing and I am at work and cannot pick her up. She really feels bad about this situation and tells me she is a big burden on me.
We haven't had a fight but I know when she's mad at me with the silence (which has been very rare (or very rarely as she would say it) and these times have mostly been due to language or cultural issues and not because of our relationship.
There are a lot of things here that she does not, and probably will not, like. The meat tastes funny, the sour cream, yogurt, chocolate are not that good (yes we can get some at the local Russian Grocery Store but even these are not the same), she cannot comprehend white bread (why would anyone eat that?), the phony friendlieness of people here, the political correctness (I agree 100% on this one), and the lack of community to name a few. None of this is earth shattering but should be taken note of for any newbie. I hope I am not making this sound as if she is miserable because she is not. I'm just throwing out the trials and tribulations that come with this type of relationship. Over all I feel the same as I did many months ago in that I could not have found a better woman then Elena.
Ken
-
That is a good post, Ken. My timeline is only three months since I have been married, but there are many similarities in my wife. She also misses the community she had with others in the FSU. She has her driving permit now. She is learning to be a good driver, but is still unsure about driving alone.
When she got her permit - after she took and passed her written test - there was some confusion about her K1 visa expiring in less than six months. Of course, it had already expired when I married her. But luckily, we had just come from the local USCIS office forom the biometrics exam and showed the manager the papers (the Notices that she applied for Adjustment of Status) and this seemed to change his mind. Passing the driving test was no easy matter for someone not familiar with English (or Spanish!) and it meant another nerve-wracking trip to another Department of Motor Vehicles.
FWIW, my wife loves turkey, and most of the healthy food in America. She is continually disappointed in the "looking" of American women and in the political correctness prevalent in our society also.
-
FWIW, my wife loves turkey, and most of the healthy food in America. She is continually disappointed in the "looking" of American women and in the political correctness prevalent in our society also.
Voyager,
Congradulations on your three month milestone!
As long as we have fruit, vegetables, kashi, and ice cream in the house all is good!:D
Ken
-
What a refreshing thread - glad it's gone active again.
Voyageur: She has her driving permit now. She is learning to be a good driver, but is still unsure about driving alone.
Driving alone was a huge step for my wife - we found that we could practice in school lots w/o a permit legally when the schools were officially closed, so drive we did. I remember after hours of sweeping ovals, I stepped out of the car and told her it's time to solo. When she returned after her first loop alone, her expression was priceless, and the self-confidence factor
was evident thereafter in all she attempted. Soon the license was in hand, and she's been free to shop and explore without dragging me along. Her family couldn't believe it - and wanted a video of her going down the road. Her Mama visited last spring, and is the only living winess in Russia to Elvira's ability behind the wheel.
Mixing children has been challenging. I was raised with three sisters so it was little surprise to me that the dynamic of three teenage daughters would confound me now and then; fortunately Elvira and I stand in accord regarding the girls when youthful estrogen begins to spray.
Ken: I'm just throwing out the trials and tribulations that come with this type of relationship. Over all I feel the same as I did many months ago in that I could not have found a better woman then Elena.
When we met you two last summer, I kept thinking, "We both really struck gold."
-
When we met you two last summer, I kept thinking, "We both really struck gold."
Spassiba Balshoi Vaughn! I agree 100% Was good talking to you the other evening!
Ken
-
Last evening and today Elena is pretty depressed and upset with herself. She had a rough driving lesson yesterday and is convinced that she just won't be able to drive. She's upset about the money spent on the lessons and is calling herself stupid and "nobody at home". She's not taking any consolation in our talking about that this is okay and we will be fine with or without her driving and that we can practice and keep working toward her being comfortable (or in reality comfortable enough) with the car and driving.
It is not helping that she is also upset with the USCIS mess up of Sergei's paperwork as she we had recently been talking about her going for a visit during his holiday break from school and now we are just hoping that we'll have this resolved for the Spring break but if not then during the Summer vacation. She is really feeling like she is fighting the world (and I can understand this to an extent but as I am in my originating country/language) and blaming herself for the problems we are having. We've spent a lot of time lately just talking and trying to build up her flagging spirits.
Ideas and suggestions are welcome.
Ken
-
Get out of the house and do some weekend trips.. works wonders here.
-
Thanks BC, the problem there is that she is working every weekend right now so the best we can do is dinner out. We're still trying to find a babysitter so even going out for a dinner & movie evening is out. We've got a weekend trip planned in January to meet up with POConnor and Alla. Even so, this is still a month + off.
Ken
-
I have not gotten as far as getting a RW here, but I think about it quite often. I had an engagement blow up on me three days before her Moscow interview over a cultural misunderstanding, and that is as far as I got.
The suggestions in this thread are all good ideas. I know you need mountains of patience, but I'm not worried about that because I have that patience.
My worst nightmare (other than the RW doing somethine malevolent, like adultery) would be a disaster happening to her family back in Russia and she can't go there because she has no AP yet and is therefore trapped here.
Can your RW relate to a song? The one I suggest is Brave New Hope by Basia, a woman from Poland who came here some 20 years ago. The song is her relection on how she felt living in New York, thousands of miles from the only place she knew as home (and could not go back to to, period, because it was during the communist era). It is on the CD London, Warsaw, New York. Maybe it will help your RW feel less alone.
-
[user=527]al-c[/user] wrote:
My worst nightmare (other than the RW doing somethine malevolent, like adultery) would be a disaster happening to her family back in Russia and she can't go there because she has no AP yet and is therefore trapped here.
We had this happen to us about 3 month after Elena arrived. Her grandmother, who she and Sergei) lived with and who was not living alone fell and broke her hip. She ended up in the hospital for several months and then went to live with Elena's mother, sister, and sister's boyfriend in the typical two room flat. Elena's mother was working 3 jobs and going to the hospital to take care of the grandmother (change the sheets, bedpan, feed her, etc.) and this really tore Elena up. By the time we got the AP for Elena her grandmother was doing better and out of the hospital so the family talked her out of coming but for the 3 months that she was in the hospital Elena felt super guilty for all that her mother was going through. We helped with money but that does nothing to help the emotional drain. Right now the grandmother is only beginning to walk with a cane.
I know about Basia, I used to have a couple of albums. I'll look for the song. Thanks!
Ken
-
Thanks BC, the problem there is that she is working every weekend right now so the best we can do is dinner out. We're still trying to find a babysitter so even going out for a dinner & movie evening is out. We've got a weekend trip planned in January to meet up with POConnor and Alla. Even so, this is still a month + off.
Ken
Ken,
believe me this is likely the true root of the problem. Not the fact that she's working which I think is great, but that the current work schedule gives very little possibility to plan and spend 'quality time' together. A rubber band will only stretch so far before snapping..
-
BC,
We have talked about this and I agree that it is part of the problem. Also part of the problem is the missing of her relatives with the coming New Year holiday. Unfortunately, recognizing these things does not give us a reasonable solution. Hopefully a couple of dinners out will help her to hold on a bit until after this month is out. I am also out of time off due to all the time I've had to take for getting the paperwork done, medical stuff, dental stuff, etc. that we've done over the past year.
Ken
-
Just an off the wall question after reading the comments about driving. Does it see to any of you that Russian or FSU gals have a much harder time learning to drive than American gals? I have tought some American Gals to drive and there was not much too it.
I am just wondering if this is the case and why and thinking that perhaps the way kids grow up here might be part of it. As a kid here, they have hot wheels cars, then the go to the amusment mark and drive the dodgems and the caddilac cars, they ride bikes, some even have 4 wheelers. Am I right there is a difference and does this sound like a logical explaination?
-
Ken,
Understand.. the holiday season is indeed tough. Just remember 'this too shall pass'..
-
Ken,
Tough situation, but it will work out. Recently I began to work Saturdays, something I have not done in many years. So we hold our Sundays sacred for quality time, outings, relaxation. If at all possible, have her ditch the work on one of your days off - you need time together.
The driving issue - Elvira just read your post and nearly burst out laughing - not at Elena's plight, but at the memory of her own feeling of futility 18 months ago. She never had to badger me for a lesson - we hit the streets almost daily for months. Eventually the improvement showed, and the confidence followed right along. Your wife saw my wife drive away, following me - proof it can be done - she should talk to Elvira and unload in the native tongue, it'll do her worlds of good to hear she's not alone and it will happen for her.
Maybe some Russian disco on cassette while tooling along might quell the apprehension?
Vaughn
-
Just an off the wall question after reading the comments about driving. Does it see to any of you that Russian or FSU gals have a much harder time learning to drive than American gals? I have tought some American Gals to drive and there was not much too it.
I am just wondering if this is the case and why and thinking that perhaps the way kids grow up here might be part of it. As a kid here, they have hot wheels cars, then the go to the amusment mark and drive the dodgems and the caddilac cars, they ride bikes, some even have 4 wheelers. Am I right there is a difference and does this sound like a logical explaination?
Turbo,
For Elena this is true. While she was taking lessons her instructor said something like "you can do it, even teenagers can do it". She responded to him (and she has said the same thing to me other times when she sees anyone and everyone driving) that "you have grown up in cars all your lives, we have never had or used a car". Her family still rides the bus to the dacha and for everything else they do. Her grandfather had a car that was given to him by the government for being a veteran but he never drove it. If I remember correctly they still have the car but it has not run in many, many years.
Ken
P.S. Have a great time in Ukraine! Send postcards...:D
-
BC,
Thanks, yes I know it will. Elena sometimes gets that attitude (which I have seen and heard of quite often with FSU folks) where they expect everything to be bad and then to get worse (or as she says, "worser") We've been through rougher stretches on this journey and each time we come out stronger.
Vaughn,
I'll check with Elena about her schedule this weekend. I know she works Saturday evening but don't know what time on Sunday. A good Ruskia skashzie (wrong word maybe?) would do her a world of good. She never tells her mom or sister about her problems here. She does not want them to worry about her so she really doesn't have an outlet for girl talk besides me. And let me tell you, I don't look good in a dress! :D:P:D
Hi to Elvira and Lenara from us!
Ken
-
Thanks Ken, I would love to send everyone postcards. It is going to be a quick trip. One week from on the plane to go and off and home again. My life seems to be getting a little more complicated and my head is starting to spin. I am not sure if this trip is going to clarify things or muddle them more, but I will try my best to have a good time.
-
My worst nightmare (other than the RW doing somethine malevolent, like adultery) would be a disaster happening to her family back in Russia and she can't go there because she has no AP yet and is therefore trapped here.
We had this happen to us about 3 month after Elena arrived. Her grandmother, who she and Sergei) lived with and who was not living alone fell and broke her hip. She ended up in the hospital for several months and then went to live with Elena's mother, sister, and sister's boyfriend in the typical two room flat. Elena's mother was working 3 jobs and going to the hospital to take care of the grandmother (change the sheets, bedpan, feed her, etc.) and this really tore Elena up. By the time we got the AP for Elena her grandmother was doing better and out of the hospital so the family talked her out of coming but for the 3 months that she was in the hospital Elena felt super guilty for all that her mother was going through. We helped with money but that does nothing to help the emotional drain. Right now the grandmother is only beginning to walk with a cane.
I know about Basia, I used to have a couple of albums. I'll look for the song. Thanks!
Ken
[/quote]
Yes, I read about your particular nightmare. That was what got me thinking about a similar thing happening to me, although it is just conjecture at this point. I was engaged to a RW, and the whole thing exploded over a cultural misunderstanding that each of us saw as inexcuable conduct in the other person, but that is another matter. She had two elderly parents, and while the visa was still pending, I did give considerable thought as to what if one of the parents died before she got her AP.
BTW I listened to more of that Basia CD, and the whole thing seems to be about her coming to the U.S. to marry somebody.
-
Well here we are... just celebrated our first anniversary. Success? Yes, think we are having a successful marriage but we still have a long way to go. We still learn more about each other as we come across each new situation or each time we do something different. Frustrations? Problems? Issues? Yes, we have all of these but no more than any married couple have. So far over this past year our biggest issues have been dealing with USCIS, her being scared of driving, and learning to deal with the language issues in daily life. She will not say that she has made any progress but I have seen great strides in her comfort level here, her language, and her self confidence.
Ken
-
Ken, i wish you several more year of happiness... and i don't think that it will be a problem for you ;)
-
Thanks Bruno! I think most (if not all!) the credit goes to Elena for putting up with me!:D
Ken
-
Thanks Bruno! I think most (if not all!) the credit goes to Elena for putting up with me!:D
Ken
Ken, don't be so shy... a working couple is the result of mutual work... a misluck CAN BE one sided... Maybe your "Elena" is a good wife but if you was not a good husband , she have no keep you... success is build together, misluck can be build alone...
-
[color="blue"][size="4"]Dan,
Big LOL over the "anniversaries and birthdays and name-days" you are all too right, forget one and look out it is off to the dog house for at least a day.
First year is a great start and it sounds like you and your lady are doing well Ken, remember this is a process which takes many years. We will have been together for 6 years this coming April and I am still learning and finding things out about my lady that surprise me. Really it is kind of fun.
[/size][/color]
-
Congratulations Ken, I am sure it takes work and dedication on both your parts. i hope someday we can read about your 20th anniversary. I am sure you two are perfect for each other and will have a happy life together always.
-
Thanks again all for your good wishes! I think at times that this was the most difficult year for us but at other times I look back and say for the most part is was pretty easy. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. This Summer we will make our first trip back to visit and I think the following months after that will be a good indication of how the rest of the year, and maybe years will go for us.
She's heard from a lot of other women that after you go back you realize that you don't like it so much anymore. This is in response to how much she misses her family, culture, etc. One woman who had a 6 week visit with family said that after 2 weeks she was ready go come home again. She said that was when she realized that here was home to her and not there anymore. We'll see how that pans out for us. I'm looking forward to everything except the travel time. Wonder if we can get knock-out drops for Sergei? ;):D;) I think we will invest in a gameboy of some sort to help kill the time for him.
Ken
-
Ken,
My lady discovered she was very uncomfortable going back to Russia the first time, she was treated like a tourist by some of her family and most of her friends to the point of almost being hostile towards her, She was more than ready to come home after a couple of weeks but stayed the full month she had planned on. This seems to be a pattern as I have been told similar stories by other RW's and their husbands.
-
Ken wrote:
I think we will invest in a gameboy of some sort to help kill the time for him.
Ken,
I just got back from a trip to Ukraine with my 8 year old son. It was the best out of the three trips I have taken to Ukraine in the last 6 months! Anyway, I purchased a portable DVD player, an 8 hour battery and a hand held video game (includes 15 different games and plugs directly into the unit). It cost me around $200.00 for everything and it was worth its weight in gold! It kept him from getting bored and we got to watch what we wanted during flight instead of the lame movies the airlines show :)
bbernard
-
Thanks bbernard! I didn't think about the DVD player. Can you give me specifics of the player and the game thing you got. Much appreciated.
Just been bouncing around on the internet looking at prices for the trip. :hairraising: Unbelievable how much things have jumped over the last year. Wonder if I can fit us all in a suitcase and have it shipped over?:P
Ken
-
Thanks bbernard! I didn't think about the DVD player. Can you give me specifics of the player and the game thing you got. Much appreciated.
Just been bouncing around on the internet looking at prices for the trip. :hairraising: Unbelievable how much things have jumped over the last year. Wonder if I can fit us all in a suitcase and have it shipped over?:P
Ken
Ken,
The portable DVD is made by Coby and the model # is TF-DVD7100. It's got a 7 inch LCD screen with and switch that changes the source from DVD output or input from a different source. THe power supply is rated between 110-240volts and we used it in Ukraine straight from their outlets. Of course with an adapter. It has built in speakers or headphone jacks for two sets of headphones. The Game pad is made by Polaroid. Unfortunately it doesn' have the model number one it but I did purchase it at Wal-mart. It takes three AA batteries. Unfortunately the battery that is shipped with the DVD player has a charged life of only 2.5 hours so I opted to buy a 8 hour battery from "batterygeek.net" model BG-9-12-60. Both batteries provided plenty of life for the entire trip. THe extended battery also came with a 110-240 volt power supply.
I'm sure this will keep Sergei from becoming too bored.
Good Luck,
bbernard
-
Ken,
The portable DVD is made by Coby and the model # is TF-DVD7100. It's got a 7 inch LCD screen with and switch that changes the source from DVD output or input from a different source. THe power supply is rated between 110-240volts and we used it in Ukraine straight from their outlets. Of course with an adapter. It has built in speakers or headphone jacks for two sets of headphones. The Game pad is made by Polaroid. Unfortunately it doesn' have the model number one it but I did purchase it at Wal-mart. It takes three AA batteries. Unfortunately the battery that is shipped with the DVD player has a charged life of only 2.5 hours so I opted to buy a 8 hour battery from "batterygeek.net" model BG-9-12-60. Both batteries provided plenty of life for the entire trip. THe extended battery also came with a 110-240 volt power supply.
I'm sure this will keep Sergei from becoming too bored.
Good Luck,
bbernard
bbernard,
Thanks Much! I'll check this out.
Ken
-
The biggest thing so far (in our young marriage) has been the language issues. Saying something that is perfectly understandable to me but was either misunderstood or understood in a way that caused a problem. 99% of these were easily cleared up with some talk but a couple took days to get over.
"Have I told you yet today that I love you?" That phrase to her means yesterday. Her response is always, "Why you want say it yesterday?" I think the "yet" is the problem. So then the phrase "Have I told you today that I love you?" gets the response, "Yes, you may."
We've developed a very quick reaction of letting the other person know when either of us does not understand what the other says, and so far we've managed to have fun and not get frustrated in working through what was meant. She has refused to let me drop using what she calls "big word" because she wants to look it up, understand it and begin using it.
A humours incident, that occurred several times and is now an inside family joke, she will grab a Russian-English dictionary and spell the English word for me. However, she also has a Russian-German dictionary and sometimes she grabs it by mistake, and she is spelling the German word for me. I know German so of course I usually know what she is attempting to say. So now I tease her and sometimes ask her if it's German or English she is trying to tell me. We knew early in our correspondence that we would have some difficulties and when we encounter them we are able to work them together and that earns quality time brownie points.
-david
-
At the suggestion of another member here I'd like to hear about the issues that have come
up in the first year of marriage to a FSUW. I'll be adding the issues that we have come across
as I get a chance.
The biggest thing so far (in our young marriage) has been the language issues. Saying something that is perfectly understandable to me but was either misunderstood or understood in a way that caused a problem. 99% of these were easily cleared up with some talk but a couple took days to get over.
Ken
Smiley Girl had far more issues than Angel Eyes did. She was a 13-14 year old girl.
Everything is dramatic and tears were plentiful. Angel Eyes was didn't suffer as much.
She found a couple friends, started a garden. I bought her a sewing machine and I
we made road trips to look at something interesting almost every weekend. I took
her with me to appointments. I dropped her off at the Walmart or a place to shop
and she would shop until I finished.
In the first year we had a wedding, got preggers, did a ton of USCIS paper work
and traveled to every interesting place within 4 hours (one way) in every direction.
She rode with me 2-3 days per week. I had a cousin with his family 2 hours away
and we visited them for 2-3 days every month. They had kids, horses and quad
runners.
KEEP her busy is my primary advice.
-
Language has been a problem,
I didn't get Angel Eyes into English courses until we moved to Cheyenne Wyoming. They didn't
have anything in the town we lived in Norf Dekody.
-
[user=300]M&M[/user] wrote:
Well, you know how men are babies when it comes to getting sick. We like to be taken care of, and the one time I've been sick in the past year, my wife did a wonderful job of taking care of me.
(In contrast to when I was married to an AW, who gave me zero sympathy, and implied I was a slacker for being sick.)
It almost makes me want to be sick more often! ;)
Chuck in D.C.
Some years ago, I told my wife that I had pain in every joint in my body and
that I could feel my heartbeat in my head. It was quickly diagnosed by her as
"the man flu". It was covid, we all got it. I was given a hundred apologies
(or more) when Angel Eyes joints were painful as well.
Mini Me got a fever and had pink cheeks for maybe two days. Then he was
running around the house at only 60mph instead of his usual 70. Soon he
was back to 70mph and no worse for wear.
My sister sent me her O2 Sensor from when she had it weeks earlier. It
never went below 97%. (You want it to read 95 or higher).
-
Early one, I got the impression that my now wife was not a real caring person. Not about me . . . but she seemed cold to some people's problems.
So I assumed that when I got ill, she would not take real good care of me.
But I was surprised to find out that she does take very good care of me when I have various health isssues . . . which are increasing in number and frequency.