was married to a russian wife

[andrewj]

Hi all,

Just a little ice breaker I guess.
I have been married to a Russian wife for over 5 years. I really loved being married but unfortunately my wife changed her mind on having kids and now has divorced me.

I am in my mid/late  40's, have a steady job, in good health . I have a house near the beach in outer Melbourne. Didnt quite get the marriage or kids that I wanted.

I like eastern European women and want to have a family still . Little bit undecided if I want to try again with another eastern European women or not. 

I liked reading other peoples stories here as well so thanks for this.

   

[BillyB]

Little bit undecided if I want to try again with another eastern European women or not. 

 

If your wife was a bad woman, I can say with certainty not all Eastern European women are like that. Welcome to the forum Andrew.

[Sting23]

Welcome Andrew. Sorry to hear. Would you like to share how you met and what happened?   Sounds like your ex decided not to have kids which is more unusual for a Russian woman.

[msmob]

Welcome andrewj

My suggestion is NOT discuss what went wrong - as it only opens up the forum to 'experts' who didn't live your marriage.

People change - even within a marriage and that was one compromise that was unsolvable.

IF this was indeed the reason - ask yourself .... "Did she not want to have kids at all or just with me ? "...followed by "Can I be a good Dad?"...  ( no need to answer on the forum - just to yourself !)

If you are 'happy' with your answers - then if you are ready - get back on the saddle - armed with experience -   and good luck

[Sting23]

If he is comfortable sharing then let him. This is an open forum.  I'm interested in why his ex-wife changed her mind to have children after marriage. That seems to be a rare reason especially for an FSU woman.  They were married for 5 years so that's quite some time. 

I don't know her age but that is a factor too in terms of how long she could feasibly have a child. 

We are here to learn from each other and our personal experiences.  Many posters are mature enough not to play "arm chair quarterback" and dissect his marriage.  If some do then we can call them out on that.

[msmob]

If he is comfortable sharing then let him. This is an open forum.

I don't know about you - but I base my advice on experience...

I'm interested in why his ex-wife changed her mind to have children after marriage. That seems to be a rare reason especially for an FSU woman.  They were married for 5 years so that's quite some time. 

Then you'd have to ask his WIFE !

I don't know her age but that is a factor too in terms of how long she could feasibly have a child.

I don't see the relevance - a younger / older woman can change their mind for differing reasons ( career / health worries)

We are here to learn from each other and our personal experiences.  Many posters are mature enough not to play "arm chair quarterback" and dissect his marriage.  If some do then we can call them out on that.

Once again, I strongly advise the OP to discount your reasoning - based on personal  experience . 

Nothing to learn here - other than marriages fail

[andrewj]

Hi,

Thanks for the replies people.  I dont want to go to too many details as I need to start looking more positively for the future. One thing to be wary of is that I could have started a family soon after I married but I had job issues and felt i needed to make sure I can maintain an income and worry about the family later. After my job issues go back on track 2 years later my wife also got steady work. However the idea of a family to my wife time had passed. My marriage never recovered from that delay .

[ML]

When  a woman gets into a job that she enjoys, it can be hard to give it up.
A job can provide a sense of fulfillment to both men and women.
Typically it seems for most women, the pull to motherhood eventually outweighs the pleasures that a good job provide; but this might not be true for all.
Then of course, any given woman can decide/realize she just doesn't want to produce a child with a particular man for any number of reasons including physical characteristics, perceived intelligence, etc.

[BillyB]

I need to start looking more positively for the future.

To have a positive future that is different from the past, one has to not repeat the past. You may have accepted the excuse of her not wanting children led to the divorce but you may find she'll quickly have children with her next man. Very very few women would divorce a man if she considers him a "winner". Most men wouldn't leave a woman either if they felt she was a winner. Wherever you decided to find your next woman, you have an opportunity to find a much better woman than the last. Keeping her depends on if show yourself being a quality man. If she feels you're a winner, she'll want to pass on those genes to her future children.

[Trenchcoat]

Welcome andrewj

My suggestion is NOT discuss what went wrong - as it only opens up the forum to 'experts' who didn't live your marriage.

People change - even within a marriage and that was one compromise that was unsolvable.

IF this was indeed the reason - ask yourself .... "Did she not want to have kids at all or just with me ? "...followed by "Can I be a good Dad?"...  ( no need to answer on the forum - just to yourself !)

If you are 'happy' with your answers - then if you are ready - get back on the saddle - armed with experience -   and good luck

[Brasscasing]

Hiya Andrew,

A few questions ...

1) Was your former spouse in her forties as well? ...Nothing to do with age gap but asked more along the lines of biology.

2) Has she remained in Oz or returned to Russia?

3) Did you and your former spouse discuss or otherwise plan to start a family early in your marriage and was your decision to delay starting a family due to career issues an area of contention between the two of you at the time?

And

4) Did your former spouse already have a child(ren) by a previous marriage/relationship?

If you're uncomfortable answering these questions then no worries.

Brass

[msmob]

andrewj

I implore you - don't bite

[andrewj]

Hiya Andrew,

A few questions ...

1) Was your former spouse in her forties as well? ...Nothing to do with age gap but asked more along the lines of biology.

2) Has she remained in Oz or returned to Russia?

3) Did you and your former spouse discuss or otherwise plan to start a family early in your marriage and was your decision to delay starting a family due to career issues an area of contention between the two of you at the time?

And

4) Did your former spouse already have a child(ren) by a previous marriage/relationship?

If you're uncomfortable answering these questions then no worries.

Brass

Hi,
My spouse was in her late 30's and she doesnt have children. She is still in OZ where someone else is paying for her accommodation. Yes we discussed family but she changed her mind afterwards.

Might end my personal life details there if you dont mind though.

Thanks for the replies.

I look forward to the future and hope to not repeat mistakes of the past.. I would like to meet FSU girls in Australia but there doesnt seem to be that many. Might post this elsewhere.

[Trenchcoat]

Seeing as it's all anonymous here Andrew I wouldn't worry about discussing personal life here as we are unaware of who you are. The more we know the more members here may be able to help you. There's members here with loads of experience and others that are quite perceptive.

Possibly she may have stated originally she wanted children knowing that most guys visiting the FSU for a woman will be wanting children. If she was unsure or even did not then she would have been drastically cutting down the field by stating this upfront. That or she may have gotten onto the old get with any guy then look for another guy while over there she was more into. It may be she decided on another guy she would prefer to have children with.

I tend to assume FSW in one's home country would be ad fiercely fought over in the west as any other woman. The marketplace is what it is so you'll be up against the usual competition.

[Boethius]

Sigh.  You just don't get it.  If a woman loves you, there is no competition.  Relationships - I mean real relationships, rather than mercantile exchanges - are not a "marketplace". 

[Sting23]

andrewj

I implore you - don't bite

Not sure why you are saying this.  The guy joined the forum wanting to share his story.  If he didn't want to he would not have posted. 

[kynrazor]

I would like to meet FSU girls in Australia but there doesnt seem to be that many. Might post this elsewhere.

Why am I not surprised? And I do not think you are surprised too. Much better to get to the source for all FSU women! 

Now time to fire up your online dating accounts and start filtering and roping them FSU ladies in! 

Just make sure they speak decent english, or perhaps this doesn't matter for you

[Trenchcoat]

Sigh.  You just don't get it.  If a woman loves you, there is no competition.  Relationships - I mean real relationships, rather than mercantile exchanges - are not a "marketplace".

Boethius, I can come first with a girl and us both be in love, feel the chemistry, etc but I only remain first until another guy comes along. The girl I'm with may decide to keep me first or she may decide that the other guy who she also feels love & chemistry with is actually a fair bit better than me. Sure many a guy no matter how wealthy, handsome, sociable, etc may not be of interest to her and will be no competition to the man she is in love with, but if another guy turns up who she also feels love for then there could well be competition.

In terms of love we are not talking about a mercantile exchange but there can be a marketplace of different men from which to consider in the west for a FSW just as there is a marketplace of different women to consider for WM in the FSU. I may go out to a city in the FSU and over the course of a few weeks come across potentially several girls that may be in love with me and vice versa and a load who won't. Some of those girls that there are love with may just have interests that I just can't get with, we may have little in common or her personality might be hard to bear - so who am I going to put first? That's right the one where I feel it most for that's not to say that I might feel it more for another girl further down the line, I might leave her or choose to stick by her even though she is in reality now second.

[Sting23]

Trench, serious question.  Have you had a girlfriend before or been in a relationship?  Because it's utter nonsense what you are spewing.  Most long time members will know this but new members may not.

If you have so little confidence in yourself that you feel a girl may leave you at the drop of a hat then something is wrong with you.

[Sting23]

Hi,
My spouse was in her late 30's and she doesnt have children. She is still in OZ where someone else is paying for her accommodation.
I look forward to the future and hope to not repeat mistakes of the past..

Only you know the answer but perhaps children was not the main issue between you.   It seems like she has found someone else in OZ and didn't want to return back to Russia yet.

[Trenchcoat]

Only you know the answer but perhaps children was not the main issue between you.   It seems like she has found someone else in OZ and didn't want to return back to Russia yet.

No sh*t sherlock, lol - SHE WANTED A BETTER DEAL - she had been married to him for five years, if she is now with someone else as he suggests and 'paying for her accommodation' as Andrew has told us then she preferred what that guy was offering to Andrew whether that was Love, free accommodation, better accommodation, a rich guy, etc. No sh*t she didn't want to return back to Russia, I know a few do but most know they are far more decent men in the west to chose from and a more comfortable lifestyle.   

[Sting23]

then she preferred what that guy was offering to Andrew whether that was Love, free accommodation, better accommodation, a rich guy, etc. No sh*t she didn't want to return back to Russia, I know a few do but most know they are far more decent men in the west to chose from and a more comfortable lifestyle.

Trench stop talking man.  You are embarrasing yourself.

[msmob]

Not sure why you are saying this.  The guy joined the forum wanting to share his story.  If he didn't want to he would not have posted.

The 'clue' was in my (surely) not too complicated explanation - but let's try another format..I've worn the t-shirt.... hence,"DO NOT DO IT'

The OP has said enough and he's ready to search anew - let's help him in his new search - not allow the usual suspects to end up dissecting the reasons for a break-up..

[Trenchcoat]

The OP has said enough and he's ready to search anew - let's help him in his new search - not allow the usual suspects to end up dissecting the reasons for a break-up..

I disagree, the dissection needs to be done as painful as it can be. If Andrew just sets about putting all his time and energy into finding another girl without learning he could get the same happen again. In fact he might unwittingly be a magnet for this to happen again if he is putting out the wrong signals and doing the wrong things without him necessarily realising. Plus off course he has us here as a shoulder to cry upon, a heartening feeling no doubt

[msmob]

I disagree, the dissection needs to be done as painful as it can be. If Andrew just sets about putting all his time and energy into finding another girl without learning he could get the same happen again. In fact he might unwittingly be a magnet for this to happen again if he is putting out the wrong signals and doing the wrong things without him necessarily realising. Plus off course he has us here as a shoulder to cry upon, a heartening feeling no doubt

And you'd be the 'expert' in this, too - having gone through it.. right ?

[Sting23]

The 'clue' was in my (surely) not too complicated explanation - but let's try another format..I've worn the t-shirt.... hence,"DO NOT DO IT'

The OP has said enough and he's ready to search anew - let's help him in his new search - not allow the usual suspects to end up dissecting the reasons for a break-up..

Let the man speak for himself.  Maybe you've had a bad experience here with a breakup and everyone ripped you to shreds on it. I don't know, I ain't got time to sift through all your posts.

But this is an open forum and hearing what happened and why is important.  He says he doesn't want to make the same mistake again so he is probably seeking some advice.

There's been members here with marriages that seemed solid for years and then something caused the break up.  Learning about the reason enabled others to be aware in their own situation.

[msmob]

Let the man speak for himself. 

My suggesting the opposite hardly precludes such - it's just the advice of someone who has been in a similar situation... have you ?

Maybe you've had a bad experience here with a breakup and everyone ripped you to shreds on it. I don't know, I ain't got time to sift through all your posts.

The "I wore t-shirt" was surely a clue...  ?  I don't expect you or the OP to sift through the posts and many of the threads aren't even visible - at the request of my ex..  not me..

But this is an open forum and hearing what happened and why is important.  He says he doesn't want to make the same mistake again so he is probably seeking some advice.

Sadly, some of the 'advice' will take the form of seemingly caring questions...( ultimately followed by 'critique' and 'interesting conclusions'...Part 1 has started already ..)

I know where it goes and unless both parties are present - and believe me there are those that will even seek out t'other half, for a comment - it's a pointless exercise

There's been members here with marriages that seemed solid for years and then something caused the break up.  Learning about the reason enabled others to be aware in their own situation.

Once again, the OP has given his explanation, already ... 

I strongly advise against feeding the pea-nut gallery...based on experience

Let's try and help andrewj find what he seeks, rather than dwell on why his marriage failed.. him having given his reasons why...

[Sting23]

msmob, it could be your own experience here with members criticizing you has led you to be defensive.  I don't know, I haven't been here that long.

The OP has stated his wife didn't want kids and therefore got a divorce.  other than that we know nothing else.  Now he wants to find a new girl/wife from the FSU.

I have no ulterior motive other than wanting to know what happened.  True there's probably members here who act like the peanut gallery and offer unsolicted advice which is useless (Trench?!) 

It's the same with a trip report, if a guy has success or failure I would want to hear it. 

[Boethius]

I don't think there will be posters here trying to find andrewj's wife.  However, in any story, there is his story, her story, and the truth, which is usually somewhere in the middle.

moby fomented ill will, and there were posters who had met his wife, so that always makes it all the more difficult.  I think these things made his circumstances a bit unique but he was very bitten by announcing his separation with his wife publicly. It didn't help that he did not always respond about her in a gentlemanly way, which he's admitted in hindsight.  His wife responded in kind.  I believe this was due to hurt and pain in their parting. 

I wouldn't take what happened to moby as the "gold standard".  However, there are posters here who will take any personal information you post and twist it against you in ways you could never imagine based on their own wild imaginations, which usually are far from the mark of truth.  I can think of half a dozen posters that has happened to, including me.  That is what moby is referring to with his warning. 

In any event, every marriage is its own kingdom, and each person comes with their own perspective which may or may not be accurate.  I don't think delving into the whys is useful, because we won't get a full story.  Posters should seek counselling if they need to resolve patterns, and to be certain they are ready to look again.

A trip report is different.  The pain involved in a failed marriage isn't present, and, to be honest, it's the impressions and travel advice which is useful, not finding someone.

[Brasscasing]

Hi,
My spouse was in her late 30's and she doesnt have children. She is still in OZ where someone else is paying for her accommodation. Yes we discussed family but she changed her mind afterwards.

Might end my personal life details there if you dont mind though.

Thanks for the replies.

I look forward to the future and hope to not repeat mistakes of the past.. I would like to meet FSU girls in Australia but there doesnt seem to be that many. Might post this elsewhere.

Understood.

My only advice to you would be make sure you don't reenter the dating/relationship arena nursing old wounds from your marriage. Clear your slate first and start fresh.

...If there were mistakes. Sometimes you can play all the right cards and still lose the hand...That's just life.

Brass 

[msmob]

msmob, it could be your own experience here with members criticizing you has led you to be defensive.  I don't know, I haven't been here that long.

Wry smile..I'm not being 'defensive' - just offering sage advice...based on personal experience of these forums

The OP has stated his wife didn't want kids and therefore got a divorce.  other than that we know nothing else. 

"unfortunately my wife changed her mind on having kids" ..Is what he told us ... and that was his concise reasoning... as an 'ice-breaker' ... He joined to find a new partner - best we just help with that ..

I have no ulterior motive other than wanting to know what happened.  True there's probably members here who act like the peanut gallery and offer unsolicted advice which is useless (Trench?!) 

I certainly did not mean to offend you ( nor Trench!) - and no suggestion of negativity was meant in your directions.. 

It's the same with a trip report, if a guy has success or failure I would want to hear it.

A trip report is somewhat different....members can chose to post without allowing responses. Those that do allow responses have the potential to be 'spoilt' by the pea-nut gallery, too ..

Discussions of marital break-ups all too often become train-wreck threads  ...     I'm guessing andrewj seeks our help re the future and forums are NOT the place to seek post relationship therapy - no that I think that's what andrewj intended ...just a quick opener to describe how he got here....   

I don't think there will be posters here trying to find andrewj's wife.  However, in any story, there is his story, her story, and the truth, which is usually somewhere in the middle.

Not yet..  but if he posts something contentious or 'offends' someone ....

moby fomented ill will, and there were posters who had met his wife, so that always makes it all the more difficult.  I think these things made his circumstances a bit unique but he was very bitten by announcing his separation with his wife publicly. It didn't help that he did not always respond about her in a gentlemanly way, which he's admitted in hindsight.  His wife responded in kind.  I believe this was due to hurt and pain in their parting. 



I wouldn't take what happened to moby as the "gold standard".  However, there are posters here who will take any personal information you post and twist it against you in ways you could never imagine based on their own wild imaginations, which usually are far from the mark of truth.  I can think of half a dozen posters that has happened to, including me.  That is what moby is referring to with his warning. 

In any event, every marriage is its own kingdom, and each person comes with their own perspective which may or may not be accurate.  I don't think delving into the whys is useful, because we won't get a full story.  Posters should seek counselling if they need to resolve patterns, and to be certain they are ready to look again.

A trip report is different.  The pain involved in a failed marriage isn't present, and, to be honest, it's the impressions and travel advice which is useful, not finding someone.

Whilst I can't agree with some specific points you made - that aren't really relevant - this gist of what you say is fair... 

THIS thread is about andrewj and although he is a relative stranger, now ... he might be (sadly ) surprised at a later date at how some members might bring up details of a comment he might make about his former wife.

THAT is why, I suggest, 'not going there' re responding further - his reasoning should be more than sufficient...  WHY his ex changed her mind is none of our business - unless she chose to say so...

It's none of our business - period - and he really shouldn't bite.

[andrewj]

Yes I am not here to seek break up therapy. Well I am in a way because getting on with life with someone new is the best therapy . So its good to talk to people who have been through similar situations in getting a FSU woman (not the divorce part)

[Sting23]

Yes I am not here to seek break up therapy. Well I am in a way because getting on with life with someone new is the best therapy . So its good to talk to people who have been through similar situations in getting a FSU woman (not the divorce part)

I don't know how you met your ex wife but it seems you are looking for a new way to meet other FSU women? 

[BillyB]

Well I am in a way because getting on with life with someone new is the best therapy .

The best way to forget about a woman is be with another woman.

So its good to talk to people who have been through similar situations in getting a FSU woman (not the divorce part)

It's also good to talk to people who would never be in those situations. I told an alcoholic that he should quit. He said I've never been in his shoes so I don't know what it's like to give him advice. I told him I know exactly what it's like to be an alcoholic and because I know, it's why I won't walk ever walk in his shoes and make a mistake.


People fail all the time. Doing the same thing over expecting a different result is madness. You want different results, you need to make changes. Change how you evaluate people so the next woman you bring into your life is better than the last. Make changes to yourself. When you're appealing to others, people want to be in your life, not run away from it.

[ML]

The best way to forget about a woman is be with another woman.

Similar to advice when a person's doggie dies ?

[Bounder]

Similar to advice when a persons's doggie dies ?

Many people confuse the two these days.

[BillyB]

Similar to advice when a persons's doggie dies ?

Yes, it worked with my wife when somebody left our door open and our dog ran outside and got ran over. A new puppy helped stop her grieving.

[msmob]

OMG... I seriously hope the casual reader doesn't believe the analogy being discussed above..

Losing a pet is nothing like a marital breakup ....   

[Anotherkiwi]

OMG... I seriously hope the casual reader doesn't believe the analogy being discussed above..

Losing a pet is nothing like a marital breakup ....   

Don't be so quick to judge.  For some people, especially those without children, losing a pet is as bad as losing a human family member - and marital breakups are often equated to family deaths in the amount of stress and grief they cause, so the analogy would be accurate in those cases.

[msmob]

Don't be so quick to judge.  For some people, especially those without children, losing a pet is as bad as losing a human family member - and marital breakups are often equated to family deaths in the amount of stress and grief they cause, so the analogy would be accurate in those cases.

...and you'd been on such form  ...((

ANYONE equating the death of a pet ( 'a replacement will solve the issue' )  with a martial breakup ( in this poster's world) needs a check-up from the neck up !

The 'victim' must think like a young child ...

[GQBlues]

Yes I am not here to seek break up therapy. Well I am in a way because getting on with life with someone new is the best therapy . So its good to talk to people who have been through similar situations in getting a FSU woman (not the divorce part)

Right on, Man! Attaboy! That's what I'm talking about! Get right back into that fray! That's what MOB is for...Get another of 'em wimmen!

[Turboguy]

OMG... I seriously hope the casual reader doesn't believe the analogy being discussed above..

Losing a pet is nothing like a marital breakup ....   

I am not sure I agree with that.  It sort of depends on which barked at you the most and which showed you the most affection.

[msmob]

  TG