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Author Topic: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person  (Read 5043 times)

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Offline ML

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I typed the below answer to Gator, but then realized I shouldn't be messing up Doug's thread, so started a new one here.

My wife is not mellow, and it annoys her that I can relax through anything.  I explain to her that in my long life, I have already seen everything, and the conclusion is the same: the sun'll come out tomorrow. 

Figuratively speaking, when something happens, I apply a "bandage" and allow my body to heal. And I don't participate in scab picking.

Wife and I are increasing our amount of bickering, although she contends we are not bickering but rather just discussing.

I intensely dislike bickering, but unfortunately cannot 'let go' the way that you (Gator) seemingly can.

Just today we were bickering about something and I tried to explain to wife that no matter how much I try to get across my 'blue' point, she sees it in terms of 'red.'  And vice versa when she is trying to make her point to me.

So we go around in endless circles each of us trying to get the other to understand our viewpoint, but can never get there because we don't even view the situation similarly.

I told her that at some point I would just stop trying to get her to see my viewpoint, and just agree with her.  But then I went further and said that when that happened . . . that it would also mean that I no longer cared.  I don't think she understood the significance of what I had said.

This is what happened with me and my first wife.  I finally just stopped disagreeing with most anything . . . but it actually also meant that I didn't care any more.  So it is a dangerous path to take.

To recap a bit:  Most all of what we bicker about is not important at all; and the sun will come up tomorrow no matter.  However, when I stop responding to something that I know is wrong, it will mean that I no longer care what the other person thinks which, in turn, means that I no longer care about the person.

So I do not see a solution to this.  Any suggestions?
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Online Faux Pas

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2019, 05:06:41 AM »
10 years of marriage and my wife and I have yet to have an argument. Not one so far. That doesn't mean we don't disagree, we do often. Somewhere along the line I think I, willingly or unwillingly adopted her conflict resolution style. State your case or opinion, leave it open for discussion and discuss it if need be then, go on and do what you're going to do. That works both ways. Don't argue over it ever just simply state your case and move on.

You don't have to win disagreements. You certainly don't have to win them all or even some and in most cases none are worth bad feelings with your mate. We both have been mad with each other numerous times and not once have we argued. As you said, the sun will come up tomorrow and no matter the disagreement it isn't worth harming your marriage. Forget the macho bullshit of thinking you know everything, you don't. It's okay to make bad decisions and letting your mate make them as well. Life is too short

Online krimster2

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2019, 06:01:50 AM »
your wife is an intelligent adult
she has her own opinions
and her own way of thinking that’s “different” from yours
so???

every “external” problem you experience
is actually an “internal” problem you create

rather than trying to change your wife
instead, try to change yourself
your need for her to agree with you....

agree to disagree
and life somehow manages to go on
but without all the bickering...

other considerations...
from past experience with Ukrainian women...
if the “devs” began to “act out” verbally
it meant I was too focused on work
and didn’t pay them enough attention
so I’d have to remedy that....
and they’d be nice again

c'mon ML, you're the smartest redneck I know
you CAN do this man!!!!


« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 06:07:59 AM by krimster2 »

Offline SteveInBoston

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2019, 07:29:57 AM »
I am not making light of this.  There is a Depeche Mode song called Somebody that sort of fits this situation:

 "He will listen to me, when I want to speak..
  ...Though my views may be wrong...
  ...He'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted,
  To my way of thinking, in fact he'll often disagree,
  But at the end of it all, he will understand me."

As others have said, you each have your viewpoint.  You don't need to understand each others views, just acknowledge that your views differ.  If the issue is important, then stand your ground.  If it is minor then state your view and let it go.

I have been single for a while and when T came over, it bothered me when she didn't do things my way (storing dishes, location of clothes, etc.). But I realized she had her own way and I accepted that. 

We have a trip to Norway next month.  We picked a few places to go and I set up some reservations.  There were a few unplanned days and I asked her to select the activities and places to spend the nights.  She took a day and read travel blogs, and re-arranged the entire trip.  We went back and forth, and I asked her to plan again after saying I wanted to keep the original reservations of 3 places.  She compromised and adjusted the plan. Now our trip is set.  She kept my 3, and I agreed to 4 new places she selected.


Online krimster2

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2019, 08:04:32 AM »
look ML buddy, it’s simple...
your stubborn Ukrainian wife has a NEED to BE RIGHT!
do you know WHY she has this need?
could it be because her whole life in Ukraine she felt the opposite?
that NOTHING was ever RIGHT?

so you know what I’d do if I were you?
I’d HELP HER satisfy that need
by letting her have her way
just agree with her “logic” after she ‘splains everything to you
horrosho?

but it means you must “let go” of your NEED TO BE RIGHT!
you’re a “grown-assed” man ML, do you really need it?
look at your life vrs your wife’s
can’t you let her have this?
c’mon man, this is just one of many little types of "sacrificial love"
you can show your wife
and love is like karma
it always comes back to you

I have a MILF Ukrainian woman like you
AND two young Ukrainian\American women...
that I live with...

after a harsh training and “breaking-in" period
I’ve managed to produce reasonable household service from the three of them
so now I can live the life of a true gentleman
with my 3 female servants + Mexican gardeners

freshly ironed clothes laid on the bed
when I stepped out of the shower
my favorite breakfast waiting under the porch canopy
in front of the main garden
with freshly ground Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee...
followed by shoulder/neck massage
is how my morning went so far...
 
so, if any of you gentleman have questions...
about how to maintain discipline with a Ukrainian/Russian woman or women
please DO NOT hesitate to ask me
I shall ask the youngest, my scribe, to dictate my response
after she finishes scrubbing the floor

also, if anyone needs a "Russ Buster" I'm your malchick!



« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 11:08:12 AM by krimster2 »

Offline Gator

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2019, 12:41:04 PM »



In summary, you love the woman so turn off your "give a shit" meter.     The rest of this post elaborates this point. 



Wife and I are increasing our amount of bickering, although she contends we are not bickering but rather just discussing.

 :D   My wife uses the same scale.  In regard to disagreements, I have the impression that FSUW are naturally more argumentative.  For sure they tend to be direct. 

Separate from argumentative is obstinence.  Once my wife gets a thought in her pretty head, she is slow to change.  I wonder if this is because the FSU culture has more misinformation, stemming from decades of no consumer protection and decades of government propaganda.   One's own wits will prevail.

BTW, my attempt at logic fails almost every time. 
 

Quote
...when I stop responding to something that I know is wrong, it will mean that I no longer care what the other person thinks which, in turn, means that I no longer care about the person.


To stop responding does not mean you do not care about what the other person thinks.   It could mean you value your relationship more than being right.     

Important in an enduring, loving relationship is to respect each other's opinion.   This should be your goal unless her position significantly affects your well being (places you in deep debt, risks your health) or corrupts your relationship (extramarital affair).      Also, if you knew her questionable position before marriage, then accept blame and live with it just as you did before marriage.

Offline Gator

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2019, 12:58:36 PM »
look ML buddy, it’s simple...
your stubborn Ukrainian wife has a NEED to BE RIGHT!
do you know WHY she has this need?
could it be because her whole life in Ukraine she felt the opposite?
that NOTHING was ever RIGHT?


To the contrary, almost everything went "RIGHT" in my wife's life in Russia.  Money, fame, loving parents, friends with connections, ......

Of course this was because she was always right in her decisions.  Unlike Obama's America, the Soviet/Russian government gave her little help along the line of her success.   At each crossroad, she made the "right"  decision..  She was more intuitive than analytical, so why change now. 


Online krimster2

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2019, 01:07:35 PM »
"To the contrary, almost everything went "RIGHT" in my wife's life in Russia.  Money, fame, loving parents, friends with connections, ......"


and she's with you in the USA BECAUSE everything went so RIGHT for her in Russia...
yeah, r-i-g-h-t...

I lived a privileged life in Crimea
but after 3 years of living there, I was starting to develop PTSD from how RIGHT life is in Russia
 



Offline Gator

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2019, 01:45:39 PM »

and she's with you in the USA BECAUSE everything went so RIGHT for her in Russia...
yeah, r-i-g-h-t...



Bogeyman, you took the bait!!!  :clapping: :clapping: :clapping:   

We need more animation than these tiny emoticons.   How about a facetious  :applause:


That is what she says.  And she did have a remarkable life in Russia.  Who am I to remind her she also had her share of mistakes along the journey that brought her into my life.  I made more than my share of mistakes.  Instead, I am grateful she is here.   My example is consistent with my post to ML.

My wife's statements about her history before me do not affect my well being nor my health.  Maybe it is her way of coping.  The last thing I will do is rub her nose in her mistakes, which incidentally is something she less and less attempts at me.  If I had her temperament, we would bicker constantly.   

She knew she was in a bad situation when her husband was seriously wounded in an assassination attempt.  She will mention this infrequently along with other situations that now give her the willies.   Why remind her that her decision to marry the RM was a mistake?  It  happened and it can not be erased.  Instead, I am the optimistic beacon of a "bright future awaits you."

I have not always been so tolerant or passive.  Took on three Iranians in a ski line and won.  Bloodied, but won. It was Pearl harbor and one attempted to gouge my eye.   I am no longer in my 20s and 30s.  The wisdom gained from the experience of age should impart some control of one's impulses.   
« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 01:51:23 PM by Gator »

Online krimster2

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2019, 04:47:24 PM »
“Took on three Iranians in a ski line and won.  Bloodied, but won.”

Bravo!!!

i’ve done a little “knife play” in Russia
but didn’t actually cut anyone
cuz they ran away...
tried shooting someone at night
only to find out the gun wasn’t loaded
when I pulled the trigger and it went click
that guy ran to...

I was reflecting just the other day
that it’s actually been a REALLY LONG time since I’ve actually killed someone...
or caused someone to be killed...
don’t look at me like that!
of course they “deserved” it
I’m NOT a bad person

« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 08:46:03 PM by krimster2 »

Offline msmob

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2019, 09:49:28 PM »
Bickering can be a sign of stress / tiredress / lack of respect  / lack of understanding / stubbornness  ...the list is endless.

How we deal with resolving any dispute ....or if it festers. .. to the point of not wanting to be in the other'side company, is key, right?

Last night,  I snapped at SC... she was out of order in that she said something negative  about someone's possession that they overheard (not Maxx! ) , but a friend of his, and I made the zip it motion in no uncertain terms and minutes later got v. cross with her as that same friend was waiting to drive us to a nearby hotel and she was seemingly unworried that the friend had guests and was putting himself out for us..even though I was happy to order a taxi....

I ended up making more of scene than if I had stayed calm...

So, once checked in,  I was the one apologising....?!   I could have handled the situation ( a lot) better. ..








Offline BillyB

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2019, 10:33:57 PM »

Wife is never angry at me for more than a few hours and it's back to being happy. I try to never go to bed angry. Angry doesn't help anything but may take a few years off your life.

ML, maybe you're trying too hard to change her mind on things you disagree with. I dated a lot of FSU women and many of them tell me ice in drinks and air conditioning in cars will make me sick. I tell them 300 million Americans put ice in their drinks and use A/C when it's hot. They I tell them "Do you think Americans are sick all the time?" I don't plan on changing their mind at the moment. Just plant a seed in your wife's head and maybe later she'll change her mind.

Let's say you see her doing gardening work that doesn't make sense and you try to educate her on the right way to do things and she tells you that you're wrong. If it's her garden, let her make her own mistakes. If you participate in the gardening, use the methods you want to grow plants with your plants.

My wife decorates the house the way she wants and gardens the ways she wants. Those things are important to her so I rarely give input on what she should do. When she gives me suggestions on something that is more important to me than her, I may listen but I may not do things her way.

Next time you read your wife doesn't want to lose the debate, it's not the end of the world and it's not worth being angry for more than a few hours. She sleeps in your bed every night so you're still her favorite guy.
Fund the audits, spread the word and educate people, write your politicians and other elected officials. Stay active in the fight to save our country. Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776.

Offline Gator

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2019, 08:11:28 AM »

i’ve done a little “knife play” in Russia
but didn’t actually cut anyone


A tall, crazed dude wielding a knife would make anyone run.

Next time, try hand-to-hand, three against one.  I admit to not fighting fair.  After the eyeball gouging I unfastened my skis, and for a first move kicked one in his knee with my ski boot.   

As my Swedish friend who was there said, "You were lucky.  That could have gone really bad."  I still shudder about the possible outcomes.  The Angel of War must have protected me. 

Online krimster2

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2019, 01:01:19 PM »
during the last 20 years, I've gotten into a total of 6 "hostile face-to-face confrontations"
my fighting strategy has a legal component, which requires my opponent to strike me first, unless he displays a weapon, in which case I can strike first...
a year of high school boxing + Army + another year boxing in college
means I know how to take a punch, I've been punched solidly with maximum force hundreds of times with no effect by heavyweights...
except f...f...for the slight stutter...
so hit me MFer!

every single time I've pulled out my balisong and fanned it, dewd ran like the wind!
here in Texas, it's totally legal to carry a weapon like this if it's in the open, which mine is
in a hand stitched leather sheath

bought my first balisong in Manila in 1980
spent countless hours fanning it, I'm really good at at and so are my kids
mine has a diamond dust sharpened blade...

you should know the outline and location of the carotid arteries especially at it's thickest point in the base and higher where it's closer to the surface
sink a knife tip or blade here
and when your opponent sees the arterial spray
they will lose ALL interest in continuing the fight...
what happens after that is totally up to you
and usually depends on the number of witnesses...

neighbors are trying to convince me to get a concealed carry
I'd like to have a nice little Walther PPK .380 stainless in a concealed holster
100 grain hard cast lead pushing 1,100 fps
because god damn it America, F*ck Yeah!


« Last Edit: July 07, 2019, 08:37:20 PM by krimster2 »

Offline Boethius

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #14 on: July 07, 2019, 02:36:09 PM »
Each of you make your point once, then agree to disagree, if disagreement otherwise leads to bickering which you don't like.   I think you should tell her that you don't enjoy the bickering, and this same type of dynamic helped to lead to the break up of your first marriage.

The better half and I disagree on a lot of things.  But we enjoy the debate.  I respect his opinions, and he mine.  We don't view disagreement as a bad thing.  Our children think most of my views are reactionary.

This post was composed without the aid of google.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2019, 02:56:49 PM by Boethius »
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline msmob

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #15 on: July 07, 2019, 08:27:57 PM »
Drink so much ChaCha ( Georgian 'Vodka') you stop caring, get in the wrong lift in the wrong tower block. ( Why DID that lift key work?) and chill while awaiting rescue.


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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #16 on: July 07, 2019, 08:40:59 PM »
was that the movie where the guy stuck in the elevator was attacked by child organ traffickers?

Offline msmob

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #17 on: July 07, 2019, 08:45:44 PM »
No this was Moby's' very own horror movie))

Online krimster2

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #18 on: July 07, 2019, 08:55:21 PM »
I NEVER take elevators in Ukraine
would rather shimmy up and down a rope

it's OK in Moscow though...

Offline msmob

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #19 on: July 07, 2019, 10:59:58 PM »
I have seen a beautiful building in Batumi that had only 1 lift out of six working ...it was a couple of years old... You may have a point...

I should have been sober...and not been bothered with SC suggesting that, ' if a man loves his wife...he would do what she wants’ ....!

We are guests and our host invited us to a 'picnic' by a river and madam moaned openly in front of him and other folk that she prefer to sun bathe on the beach...

Luckily, he told her to her face that she was beautiful but that did not excuse capricious behaviour...and that the Black Sea in Batumi was remarkably similar to Sochi... But a Georgian 'picnic' would be a new experience for her)

I decided I knew why so many RU men might drink... a lot... 

When I called SC to say I would not be back for a while..when stuck in the lift...she thought I was being sarcastic and 'wanted to stay away from her more'..... and ended the call..  I contacted my friend and fellow biz partner who is staying in the same building to call for help))

When I was freed she asked me if the walk had 'improved my mood' as I gave her a big hug...




I suppose every cloud has a silver lining...



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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #20 on: July 11, 2019, 05:35:51 AM »
Think outside the box ML,,

At least you are among the happy ones that has a nice wife, for bickering with.
It's a special activity, reserved mostly for those in a relationship with a partner willing to participate,,, :-)

It's what I use, for tolerating all the crap, that my loved one can dump on me when she is this mood.

Offline Gator

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #21 on: July 11, 2019, 08:48:44 AM »
I NEVER take elevators in Ukraine
would rather shimmy up and down a rope

it's OK in Moscow though...


On my first trip 18 years ago,  I learned quickly from RW that etiquette calls for the man to step first into an elevator, thereby testing the safety before a woman risks the peril.    It made me laugh, yet the women were serious.

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #22 on: July 11, 2019, 09:40:01 AM »
in 1997 I almost got into a fist fight with  these two old alcoholics who were stealing the elevator motor in the apartment I was living in....
I caught them in the act and confronted them
they produced crowbars and started screaming in "Mat" at me, half of which I didn't understand...

but all the old ladies on the first floor did, and they came out out in their bath robes and NO MAKEUP!!!
please god spare me from ever seeing something like that again
but also once more thank you for delivering me once more...

yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
I shall fear NO EVIL, for I know that YOU are with ME

not as weird a situation as meeting the street children of Kyiv who in the winter lived in the underground steam heating system in the late 90's
one of them got picked up for stealing food in a market and was caught by store staff and handed over to the cops
who put her in their car and drove her a good 30 km outside of Kyiv
and dropped her off in the middle of nowhere in the dead of winter...

she was hitchhiking when I spotted her and pulled over...
when I see her, I'm thinking WTF?
why is a thinly dressed 14 yr old girl "hitching" in the middle of nowhere in the freezing cold...
I just know it's trouble, but I can't leave a kid dressed like that in the cold like that, it's freakin January in Kyiv
so I give her a ride

I told her, I'd take her where ever she wanted to go to...
and if she wanted to call someone she could use my cell phone...
which she did, several times...

she was one of the underground (literally) homeless kids of Kyiv...
I took her back near to her underground "barracks"
and gave her some money and my bag of snacks
she cried and she kissed me the way my daughter kisses me and then turned and ran into the dark
and I never saw her again
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 09:47:06 AM by krimster2 »

Offline tfcrew

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Re: How to stop bickering, but still care about the other person
« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2019, 10:08:59 AM »
  I learned from RW that etiquette calls for the man to step first into an elevator, thereby testing the safety before a woman risks the peril.   
At least here in the states these days that might not be a bad idea.

  When  'sweetie'  starts to growl...just tell her you love her--and then she starts to purr--works every time.
Remember the Bickersons?
 

 
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

 

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