Money in the family

[maria_a]

Hi everyone, can you please tell me how finances are divided in American families? Who pays the bill at the restaurant on dates? If an American man brought a woman from eastern Europe, who should pay for what? What is a 50/50 relationship? At what age do you get married in the United States?

[olgac]

Hi, Maria!
I have noticed that many Russian videos on youtube and instagram keep referring to this 50/50 relationship.
Meaning a wife and husband both pay 50/50 for the expenses.
I have been married for almost 25 years and don't get where this is coming from?

A husband and a wife in most cases simply have one common account and all money goes to this account.
So obviously if one of the spouses makes 3 times as much then the expenses are shared 25:75 not 50:50, correct?

Sometimes couples have their own separate accoutns plus one common account, in which case they usually
contribute to family expensses not 50/50 but propotionaly to their incomes.

What doesn't exist here is the expectation from a woman that the husband must cover all expenses while her own
salary should be strictly hers "na bulavki". Or what I call "what's mine is Mine and what's Yours is ours" mentality many FSUW have.
Of course if a wife stays at home with kids then a man pays for everything but this decision is made TOGETHER if the couple
can afford it. i.e. a woman doesn't have a god given right to stay at home and not work whether or not she has small kids.

Of courese if a man is bringing a woman from another country he will pay all expenses at least initially but still might
expect her to get a job and contribute to the expenses once she gets settled and learns the language.

On a good side even though men who are sole providers do expect a SAHM to do most of house work and child care,
western men unlike FSU men will generaly take over and help when they come home or on the weekends.

Also unlike FSU men western men don't view all household work as a woman's responsibility if both of them work full time.

When dating most men would pay for dinner in the beginning of dating but might expect to split the dinner or for her to pay sometimes
 if it's an established relationship. WIth paying for vacations it's more complicated. In general don't expect a western young man
to pay 1000s on vacations You take while dating. I have a friend in her early 30s form Minsk dating now and most of her dates do not
pay for vacations and expect to split them 50/50 but do pay for dinners.

In her experience most men in their 30s are not ready to be the sole provider and have a stay at home wife (and no they don't expect her
to pay half if she makes much less but simply to deposit her check into the common checking account).
In general living standard in US has done way down and very few younger generation men can afford to buy a house and provide
an american dream on a single salary. Perhaps men who are 45 and older and bought the house a long time ago can do that
(unless of course the older man has huge child support/alimony payments)

If You have any additional questions please do ask. You can even ask in RUssian if You want

[Trenchcoat]

  Maria

I would say who pays what depends upon the couple. So try and mediate with your man as you go along who pays for what and find ground you are both comfortable with as to who pays what.

If both have a job bringing in the same amount then I would say it stands to reason for the woman to contribute where it seems reasonable. Overall for dating expenses the West can either be the man paying for the expenses, restaurant, etc or you can choose to just pay for yourselves (although I understand that is far less common in the FSU).

In general deeper financial outlay by the man may not be common until there is more commitment in the relationship in the West.

With marriage it is possible to either have a joint account or both man and woman to each have their own individual account.

The woman I am dating now is in some ways more like a Western Woman in wanting to be independent in a marriage but for dating I as a guy usually pay for both of us. Partly that is because I am happy enough to go along with tradition and partly because she is bringing in far less money than me (hardly anything) so it doesn't make sense to expect her to pay for herself. She probably would if it was a big concern for me but dates would probably be set in very cheap or free places as a result.

In general I would say try to reach a consensus with your partner in a non awkward way about who is paying for what. If he has any knowledge of FSW he might step forward to pay for restaurants, basic entertainment, visiting basic attractions, etc or if he follows the old ways of dating in the West of a man paying. However if he is unaccustomed to the way most FSU people date then he might be more under the impression that each pays their own costs (generally known as 50/50).

[olgac]

At what age do you get married in the United States?

Forgot that part!
AI says:
In the United States, the mean age at first marriage is about 32 for men and about 30.8 for women.
Most educated men I know marry in their 30s, women in late 20s to early 30s.
For lower income/less education men and women it's much earlier I think.

In 2021, the median age of first marriage for women with a doctorate was 31.5, compared to 25.4 for those with less than a high school degree. For men, the median age was 31.6 for those with a doctorate or master's degree, 28.6 for those with some college, and 28.7–28.8 for those without a high school degree.

[ML]

My Ukrainian wife has never had the attitude that the money she earns is only for her use.

As Olga suggested, we have a joint checking account and all money coming in from any source goes there initially.  So we have no idea whose money is paying for any specific item, bill or investment.

We also have money invested in stocks, bonds, CDs, etc.  Those accounts are jointly owned and set up so all money goes to survivor at death.

We both also have retirement accounts with survivor benefits going to other party.

So not necessarily 50/50 going in . . . but 50/50 going out.

Most of our dates are in our own house !!

And it is now pizza time.

[krimster2]

in America, the rule is there are no rules

you and your spouse will each have to work and earn money
it will be hard and brutal

if you are smart, you marry somone who likes the EXACT same things you do
so whatever you spend money on, you do it together
then it's not HIS or HERS, it is OUR

are you Belarus or a Ukrainian refugee
what's the difference between Masha and Maria?

what kind of interests do you have
what is yur dream for the future

I assume you are planning on leaving White Russia

I am the person to ask
all the questions YOU ARE AFRAID TO ASK

I am wise and all-knowing

try me out, and see if isn't so!

how is your English, can you understand "contractions" "it's" and American idioms like "that's cool"?

my advice to you
learn how to communicate
give your spouse love and affection
and do not try to control or nag
because what you give
will be returned
both good
or bad

and good is better than bad
because it is nicer!!!

[Boethius]

There is research that couples who don’t commingle their money divorce at higher rates.

Many couples share finances but keep separate accounts for “fun money”. 

[Trenchcoat]

There is research that couples who don’t commingle their money divorce at higher rates.

Many couples share finances but keep separate accounts for “fun money”.

Possibly, but it may be down to other factors and the result could then just come out randomly to make it look like that.

I'm sure there are plus and minus reasons for either.

For having separate accounts the pluses are that you are less likely to argue over money as each earns their own and each spends their own and can keep the privacy of their bank account without inquisition as to where the money was spent and why.

Sone people I think like to have a fair amount of independence within a marriage so as not to feel stifled. That I think can potentially help a marriage by respecting each others independence rather than it risk evolving into an overly controlling and/or overbearing situation.

[olgac]

this is true but if both spouses have their own accounts the question inevitably arises how much to contribute to the common account from which the bills are paid for both spouses and for going out/vacations etc.
I feel it's fair when both contribute to this shared account proportionally to how much they make but then if say a husband earns much more he will still have more left in his personal account, so maybe it's much better just to have everything
go into a single joint account and then have an equal sum (if something is left) go into their individual accounts for
fun spending.

When I first came to US I was in communication with many FSU Women who started working here and were indignant
their American husbands wanted their paycheck because he makes several times more. But the question is: even if she
makes say only 1000/month and wants to keep it for her fun spending, is there an equal 1K left for him each month
after paying all the bills to spend as he wishes just for himself? If not much left after he pays all the bills and puts away
money into retirement and college funds for kids and saving for what family needs like a car or a larger house,
then I don't think it's fair to have a fun money amount each month only for her. IMHO it should be split 50/50. We had had many discussions about this topic on Russian-speaking forums.

Or is what You are suggesting is simply having 2 separate accounts (with no family account)?
That I am very much against of! Because immediately every month there is unneeded discussion about
who pays what from his/her account. Also who pays for dinners when going out Who pays for vacations?
Who pays for kids stuff? It's just a mess and a fertile soil for all sorts of conflicts.

[Boethius]

Possibly, but it may be down to other factors and the result could then just come out randomly to make it look like that.

I'm sure there are plus and minus reasons for either.

Studies have come to the same conclusion for over 2 decades.  Just because you don't like the results doesn't mean they are inaccurate.

For having separate accounts the pluses are that you are less likely to argue over money as each earns their own and each spends their own and can keep the privacy of their bank account without inquisition as to where the money was spent and why.

Or you argue more. Or you don't trust each other.  Or you love your money more than you love your partner.


You should not want, nor need privacy from your partner - your other half - in a marriage.

Sone people I think like to have a fair amount of independence within a marriage so as not to feel stifled. That I think can potentially help a marriage by respecting each others independence rather than it risk evolving into an overly controlling and/or overbearing situation.

Independence has almost nothing to do with money. 


BTW, a new study out that couples who meet online have a six times higher rate of divorce than couples who met in more traditional ways.

[krimster2]

each must give according to their ability to give
and each must receive according to how much they need
it's like the tide that flows back and forth
and nature gets used to the rythm

in order to receive you must first learn to give

if that doesn't work then try to sexually dominate your partner
then they are like clay in your hands and you can mold them into whatever you want

Ukrainian women are easy to sexually dominate, it's been incorporated into their genes
they want it this WAY
oh you big conquering Foreigner you, I guess I will have to take off all my clothes now

remember, always CUT WITH the grain and NEVER AGAINST IT!!
especially sawing through women's torsos

haha just keeding...

Krimster's Sketchbook of NKVD Post Mortem Execution Photos From Lubyanka
illustrating the fragility of life
will be featured at The Rasputin Gallery, Moscva

any and all questions from finance to romance, Russian Iystoriya to Organic Chemistry
will be succinctly answered here
with just the truth
the hole truth and only butt truth
where one can arrive at a conclusion
only through a "process of elimination"
of all the crap

slovo!

[ML]

BTW, a new study out that couples who meet online have a six times higher rate of divorce than couples who met in more traditional ways.

Is traditional way in darkened bars ?  :-)