Time for some Humor!!

[GoodOlBoy]

Lily, your recent posts here show you've become somewhat raunchy .

Yeah, her metamorphosis is quite shocking. 
 
GOB

[ML]

Not to be 'making light' of some recent breakups or near breakups here but . . . just got this humor in my email today.

If you really love someone . . . let them go.

If they come back . . . no one else wanted them either.

[ML]

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

The problem is when the spider disappears.

- - - - - - - - -

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.

If you find one, what's your plan?

- - - - - -

I didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes 5 years in a row.

- - - - - --

I wasn't planning to go for a run today.

But those cops came out of nowhere.

- - - - - - - -

At the bank, I told the cashier I wanted to have a joint account.

She said, OK with whom?

With anyone who has a lot of money in their account.

[OlgaH]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 _______________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS: July 18th.
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS: Every year.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
 WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 _________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ___________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral...
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 
 ______________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No..
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[ML]

Olga, I've seen  these Attorney humor bits many times.

But each time; I still laugh at some of them.  I like the autopsy ones and age ones.

[OlgaH]

Olga, I've seen  these Attorney humor bits many times.

But each time; I still laugh at some of them.  I like the autopsy ones and age ones.

I work as a trial production manager and my husband is a trial consultant.  At the last trial during the defense expert cross examination I had to cover my mouth 

Attorney: Dr X, are your a board certified Orthopedic surgeon?
Dr X: Yes, I'm
Att.: When last time did you perform the surgery on a live person?
Dr X: in 1993, after I performed surgeries on cadavers till 2005.
Att: Why did you stop to perform surgeries on cadavers?
Dr X: I have prostate problems. You can not leave a patient when you feel urgency.

[OlgaH]

One more snippet from a trial, a line of questioning was about a screw.

- I don't do the screwing in my house, my husband does all the screwing. (Giggling in the courtroom)... mmm I meant he does all the handyman work.

[ML]

Modern day Annie Oakley

[ML]

Bad situations

[mendeleyev]

Do your dogs eat this politely when out in public?

[ML]

Note:  Close your office door before you get to the end

= = = = = = == =

A Farm Kid joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,    I am well. Hope you are too. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.    I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically nothing.    Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.    We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.    The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

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   Your loving daughter,    Alice [/font]

[Lily]

Statue of Liberty 
 

 
New Bachelor TV-Show in Russia
 

 
Ukrainian Coalas
 

[mendeleyev]

[mendeleyev]

[mendeleyev]

[Lily]

[calmissile]

OMG Lily you are cruel.  Good thing I am on my way to Kiev in a few days.     

[ML]

If those are real, which I have my doubts about [not talking about  being implants either], then I think that bouncing around cannot be good for the health of the affected skin around the mammary area.

If they are real, she is a prime candidate for breast reduction surgery.
I have heard that is a very popular surgery in Brazil.

[Lily]

 

[ML]

Two bees met in a field.  One said to the other, "The weather has been cold, wet and damp and there aren't any flowers, so I just can't make honey."

No problem said the second bee, "Just fly down five blocks, and turn left.  Keep going until you see all the cars.  There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the first bee, and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. 

The second bee asked, "How did it go?"

"Great!" said the first bee.  "It was everything you said it would be.
There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head:" asked the second bee.

"That's my yarmulke" said the first bee.
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

[Lily]

[viking]

Translation?

[Lily]

''Do you have photos of your breasts?
In a swimmsuit.
Do you have even more outrageous photos?
Do you mean, photos of my naked breasts?
Yes
I'll make a picture with my cellphone right now
Make some more from different angles. You can do it standing at the mirror, so that your face and body are visible.
How about this angle?  '
 

[OlgaH]

[2tallbill]