assistance

[Patagonie]

Xman: thanks for sharing your experience. I was married for seven years to a UA (16 years younger). You're doing the right thing. If it doesn't feel right now, end it.
I did not have these sort of problems with the ex in the beginning, but they do have an agenda (all of them RUWs).
I did have a recent experience with a new UW (14 years younger). She also has a child, terrible ex-husband (according to her), even before we met in person, she told me about hiring a lawyer to take the child away from the father (child lives with the father most of the time and only visits with the mother). I cut it out immediately, not interested in legal battles. She said alright. Then we met, at first it was fine, then the tantrums and irrational crap began. I'm 47, don't have kids, am highly educated, great job and life. I said, thanks but no thanks, and so long and best of luck. Now, I got serious finding an AW. I am fixated on youth and looks (for better or worse), but I also want an educated woman with a good job and no children if possible. I found several very interesting women early to mid-thirties. I have started dating a 29-year old. She has a child, but she also has a college degree and a job as a school director and can take responsibility of her child. She's attractive, 2-3 inches shorter than what would be ideal for me, but I realize I cannot have everything. She seems serious and interested in a long-term relationship and family, good personality, likes the fine arts, active, as well. We just started dating and I will give it a shot and see if it works out. But the point is there are interesting women here in our country if you get serious in your search.

If a FSU woman don't have the custody of her children i would raise this minimum at a orange flag level. Probably a red one.
At your age all the question is around : do you want a child ? All the rest will depend of the answer.

[CanadaMan]

Who is "UA"?

Ukrainian American?

[Drew]

UA is the official international abbreviation for Ukraine.

UK is United Kingdom.

[CDW]

Who is "UA"?

=  Ukrainian Asexual   LOL

[Doll]

UA is the official international abbreviation for Ukraine.

UK is United Kingdom.

He used "UW" then so I got confused.
 

[Doll]

=  Ukrainian Asexual   LOL

No, it is Ukrainian African

[Anotherkiwi]

After three difficult years, and her final arrival with son, the K-1 is not working out.  She is angry and threatening.  It really is surreal, there is no other word for it.

If the experienced guys can give me direction, what legal steps I should take, etc. (we are not married at this point), I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

XMan, I'm not married to an FSUW, nor do I live in the USA, so I can't comment on the legal aspects.  However, I have followed your progress with this woman over the past three years, although I didn't realise that she was now in the USA.  You have made an incredible effort, and have seemingly displayed the patience of a saint, to get this far.  Everything which you've written in the past has seemed to indicate that this woman is very much in love with you, as you are with her, and that her child also adores you.  The big stumbling block has been the ex-husband and his manipulation of the Court system, especially (IIRC) that he was able to bribe the Judge at one hearing to dismiss the evidence that you had collected about his non-existent "disability."

It seem hardly possible that she should change this much just because she has now moved with you, unless she is absolutely terrified that the new country will cause the same breakdown of a marriage which she has already experienced.  Are you really the type of guy to bail on her just because of what she's going through, without trying to find out the root cause?  I think it's ironic that so many people are egging you on to get rid of her, or get the cops in because of the potential for false DV charges, when the same people were all counselling Aloe to stay with her husband even after he hit her.  Seems strange that we haven't heard from her for a long time now.

Forget jumping ship immediately - if there's no actual physical threat to you at present, you owe it to yourself to dig deep and try to locate the source of this despair.  Find a Ukrainian or Russian counsellor/therapist - there are bound to be at least some where you live - and try your damnedest to sort it out.  If, after this, she's still having problems, then maybe it IS time to ask her to leave.

How many of the married guys on here say that what you need in these relationships is patience, PATIENCE, PATIENCE?  You've spent this long trying to get her to the USA - now is no time to be a quitter without a really good reason.

P.S.  Of course, my opinion will change drastically if you tell us that she has chased you around the house with a meat cleaver!

[Boethius]

I must disagree with you, Kiwi.   While not everyone reacts to new situations in the same manner, if things are intolerable in what should be the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, I don't believe things bode well for the future. 

As an aside, I know how the disability system works in Ukraine, as I have a relative who went through it recently.  It is not easy to fake a disability.  Typically, the disabled person will have more than one physician examine him/her, and their findings are presented to a commission, usually made up of three physicians, and often, those physicians are from different cities, even different oblasts.  So, it is very difficult to bribe them, assuming they can be bribed.  One would not know who will be on the commission.

If fraud is detected, the fraudster's neighbours and co workers will be contacted and be dragged into the investigation. 

In reading X-Man's posts, and, knowing something of UM, I assumed one of (a) the fiancee was lying (b) the ex husband was looking for a pay out, or (c) she made his life such a hell that he was going to pay her back.  It is atypical for a UM who has never been present in his child's life to fight termination of his parental rights.  It does happen there, though it is very rare.   




X-Man, I am not in your shoes, and don't know what this woman has done.  However, were I in a similar situation with someone I love, I would give it a month, and if it was still unbearable, it would be hasta la vista.

[Russian123]

XMan, I am confused with the word "threatening" in your first post of this topic. What can she possibly threaten you with?
I never was on the K-! visa (or its analog in other countries), but my understanding is that these fiancees have no rights to speak of. That is, before the marriage.
- Wild guess: did she get pregnant immediately upon coming to US?
- Even wilder guess: does she know about some 'irregularities' in your past or present life?
Other than these two possibilities, I cannot imagine what is it she can 'threaten' you with.

"Caged animal", on the other hand, is a fairly good description of your fiancee situation. (This is how you described her in your second post.)

[notforone]

If you are saying all FSUWs have an agenda, do you mean they all have
goals? why wouldn't you be interested in a goal oriented woman? or are
you saying they all have a secret cross purpose agenda different from yours?

Having something in her mind, not being forthcoming before marriage and pursuing her objective when the time is right. Very typical for FSU woman to manipulate the man IMO. I am only writing based on my own experience.

Who is "UA"?

Mispelled UW

If a FSU woman don't have the custody of her children i would raise this minimum at a orange flag level. Probably a red one.
At your age all the question is around : do you want a child ? All the rest will depend of the answer.

She said she had shared custody, but the child lives with the father most of the time for practical reasons (e.g., school, friends) because the father kept the apartment after the divorce. According to her lawyer, when the child turns thirteen, it can choose with which parent to live (according to Ukrainian law). She believed that the father would put a fight. All this is irrelevant as it does not concern me. I have no appetite of being part of it. She said she'd be alright leaving the child in Ukraine and visiting in the future, but I suspect I would have problems when she'd be here. She's very pretty with incredible grey blue eyes. I don't usually do this, but when making love to her, I stared in her eyes. But the downside is obvious plus she hardly speaks English. We still communicate every now and then keeping it cool. I cannot say I won't see her again, but I am hard pressed to see a future. Keeping all options open for now. I believe that she has a terrible relationship with her ex. I googled her personal email and found a web site where she asked a lawyer advice about a nasty incident she had with her ex more recently. I don't mind children.

[GQBlues]

...How many of the married guys on here say that what you need in these relationships is patience, PATIENCE, PATIENCE?...

...and therein lies the annoying pebble in everyone's shoe. Yes..patience, patience and more patience....

But seriously folks, you're getting married. You're sharing your life with another...isn't marriage about *sharing, happiness, contentment*? Marriages shouldn't be about *patience, stress, angst*. It's a partnership, a bond. Everything should be flowing *naturally*. After all, isn't that what *significant other* means?

Patience should be left for young dogs learning new tricks.

Think about it. It shouldn't be that difficult.

XMan, I am confused with the word "threatening" in your first post of this topic. What can she possibly threaten you with?
I never was on the K-! visa (or its analog in other countries), but my understanding is that these fiancees have no rights to speak of. That is, before the marriage.
- Wild guess: did she get pregnant immediately upon coming to US?
- Even wilder guess: does she know about some 'irregularities' in your past or present life?
Other than these two possibilities, I cannot imagine what is it she can 'threaten' you with.

"Caged animal", on the other hand, is a fairly good description of your fiancee situation. (This is how you described her in your second post.)

Great observation, Rus. I,too, wondered about those *choice* words but kept it to myself.

Speculatively, *something* obviously fell way short of the lady's *expectations*. Whatever that may be...City, neighborhood, living condition/location, lifestyle, etc...

Who knows and maybe *who really cares*.

At this juncture, the *only* logical conclusion into this is....a) the lady is GC gal; b) she's whacked; and all the rest of the things that are likely to befall upon her as far as *we're* concerned.

[CDW]

No, it is Ukrainian African

In the past I got so many 'Ukrainian African'  lol   "father African, mother Ukrainian/Latvian/Russian " from WHITE photoed girls living in Ghana lol

[JohnDearGreen]

I think it's ironic that so many people are egging you on to get rid of her, or get the cops in because of the potential for false DV charges, ...  Find a Ukrainian or Russian counsellor/therapist - there are bound to be at least some where you live - and try your damnedest to sort it out.  If, after this, she's still having problems, then maybe it IS time to ask her to leave.

Agreed.  Counseling does not necessarily imply saving the relationship.  If she and her husband are jointly attempting a scam, it would be best to use a counselor to advise her the scam isn't going to work.   Resolving the situation without police or legal action would be the best thing to attempt first.

[Jumper]

Think about it. It shouldn't be that difficult.

exactly.

xman- really sorry to hear you both are going thru this.

I remember you had the custodial /legal issue, was everything smooth prior to that?
You had a few exploits so maybe i'm confusing them up,or with another poster , but i got the impression somehow that the whole adventure was a bit negative from first meeting, and relationship was a tad burdensome,
Maybe i got the wrong impression, but it seemed rather a road of stumbling blocks

In any case i'm sure its heartbreaking for all involved. Sorry you are having such difficult times.


How is communication between you now?.
Can you sit down as adults and iron out what issues exist ?
and if they are something that can be resolved ?
I suppose thats a silly question as I'm certain you have tried.

 i agree with gqblues and halo that right now should be two people quite happy to be together and enjoying the time of planning their nuptials and life together.Sure there might be a little stress in relocation etc,but adults adapt, and make the best of things, at least ones you'd want to be partnered for life with.

[Jumper]

Another case to file in ML's PITA thread...

perhaps, but i'd counter if a man has issues with a whole nation of women,, believes them to generally have issues,or flawed  as some * standard.*.lol.
Then i'm not certain that it doesn't reflect more on the man  ,
than the nationality of women he finds generally lacking, whether that be  Russian or American

[2tallbill]

Having something in her mind, not being forthcoming before marriage and pursuing her objective when the time is right. Very typical for FSU woman to manipulate the man IMO. I am only writing based on my own experience.

Something's wrong, you are looking in the wrong place or at the
wrong girls or out of your age/beauty league or something similar.
I have ran across girls as you describe they were the minority.

[Drew]

Remember the old song "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places."

[BillyB]

After three difficult years, and her final arrival with son, the K-1 is not working out.  She is angry and threatening.  It really is surreal, there is no other word for it.

If the experienced guys can give me direction, what legal steps I should take, etc. (we are not married at this point), I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

Missed this thread due to all the political threads. What does your fiancée thing about your feelings that it's not working out? Did you ask her if she thought it was going to work out? Did you ask why she's angry and threatening? Maybe she'll accept that plane ticket home without resistance if she's not happy with her living conditions and/or you.


Your fiancée had long battles to get permission to take her child to America. With everything she's done and the trouble to do it, she may feel she deserves to be living in paradise which you haven't delivered. She's taking her frustration out on you. Regardless, she's not handling this in a mature way. If you marry her, expect a rough ride MOST of the time.

[CaptB]

Sorry for not reading all posts in this thread. I don't come here very often anymore.....except to announce our anniversary.....which I missed by three weeks this year (not the anniversary....just the announcement. Knowing someone for three years.....having the experience be wonderful "all of the time".......and then having the roof cave-in when she arrives......I would never buy this scenario. I do buy that guys will put-up with an awful lot.....for a pretty face. The warning signs were always there.....and always made light of....or completely ignored. "but she will shed all of her faults.....after I get her there. That is like saying.....about an AW.....things will get better.....AFTER.....we are married.


One of the RW's I dated, before I met my wife, was a doctor from Moscow. I visited her twice. On my first trip.....she was on good behavior. A few minor displays of "attitude".......but nothing to raise an eyebrow about. My second visit.....we were to go to St. Pete for a week......then off to Samara for a week to visit her Mother and Aunt. I will finish the story in reverse chronological order. We arrived in Samara at about 11pm.....at her Aunt's house. Her Mother and Aunt had laid out quite a spread...sturgeon....chicken...pelmeni...champagne......and one of my favorites.....blini, smetana and red ecra. My Rw told me no one eats cavier with sour cream on a crepe. I ignored her. Then her Aunt and Mother made themselves one....looked at my RW....and made a very dramatic....."mmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!". My RW was pissed !!!!! Her Mother, Aunt and myself.....had a good laugh. Both of told me that my RW could be dificult at times. At the end of the trip her "Brother" also expressed this view. Her Mother and Aunt both liked me....and I them.


In St. Pete.....before going to Samara.....we stayed in a really beautiful apartment....owned by a lady in her mid 70's. At the end of our stay in the appartment.....I found a silver 1960's rubble. When she came to the apartment to go over the checklist the day we were leaving......I told her that I had found the rubble in her crystal cabinet. She looked at me....smiled.....and signed the check-out list....without going over anything. I think she always left that rubble in the cabinet :-)


We were walking down the street in St. Pete......on our second day. I asked my RW how to pronounce the name of the street. She became quite agitated......and asked "why do you need to know"? I said ...." to help with my education of the Russian language". She said "you do not need to know Russian.....I speak fluent English......I will be the interpreter......."I" will guide us around St. Petersburg (i.e. she will determine what we visit). I handed her a key to the appartment......and left. Her Brother and his girlfriend were visiting us that evening. They arrived about 4pm. My RW arrived shortly after. I had gone to the market to buy things for dinner.....I was supposed to be the cook for the evening. My RW said "NO".....her brother's girlfriend and herself were now to be the cooks. Her Brother and I went to a bar for a few pivas. A real nice guy....we hit it off....immediately. It was the first.....but not the last time....he would say his sister could be diificult at times. I had a feeling....after the street sign incident....that we would be parting ways.


I did have a back-up plan...of sorts. The first visit is not always the final indicator. I always believed in having a back-up plan....if things go sour. I was ready to let her have the apartment for the rest of the week....give her her return ticket to Moscow.....and go to Yoshkar-Ola.....for the remainder of my vacation........BUT!!!!!....I really wanted to visit Samara (a very nice place). I toughed-it out. I was determined to have a good time....despite the turn of events. If I had followed by back-up plan.....I never would have met her Mother, her Aunt (I think she was a real wild-child when she was younger) and her Brother.......all really terrific people. They made it worth the trip.


She was beautiful............................but my list is so much longer. If someone can't figure out the red flags in this part of my story......they will probably continue to make excuses..........for her bad behavior.


With my RW wife of 11 years.....the story is'nt complicated. She taught English for more than 10 years. We talked on the phone more than 100 hours...."before".....meeting. She was thrilled that I wanted to learn Russian. Everyday she asked "me".....what I wanted to see...or go. And I extended her the same courtesy. But the most telling.....the biggest reason to meet your RW "fIRST" in her own city.....instead of a vacation where everyone is on good behavior..................MEETING HER FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. In meeting her co-workers at the Language Institute....her boss (who let me teach an English class).....her many friends and relatives......WHO ALL SAID......what a great person she is.......AND.......how lucky "I" was. I tire of guys who say they are serious....but want to go on vacation.....FIRST. Nothing is going to tell you all you need to know.....like her friends, relatives and co-workers..........IN HER TOWN. When things are good......then go on a vacation.


I am sorry to hear of your situation. I would do the following:


1) Contact immigration. Let them know she is here on a K-1......and that things have not worked-out.
2) Contact local law enforcement. Let them know about you situation. Ask them to make a report and that you are moving out of your place to avoid false DV charges being filed. The local police won't do much.....but a report (get a copy) may help if things get worse.
3) Move out. Stay with friends or relatives. Don't visit her in person.....without someone coming with you you. This item #3....is the biggy. You see guys saying nothing will happen dozens of times in these threads.....they don't move out........and.......DV charges are filed.
4) Call her. Let her know she is in violation when her visa ran out and that authorities will be coming. Pay for her plane ticket if she is amenable to the idea. Give her some cash.


I hope things work-out for you. Please consider moving out until you..... or the authorities get things sorted out. It will be the cheapest thing to do...in the long run.


Capt B