Wife having problems with nosy people

[Kuna]

Hi folks,

Nata has been here for over 2 1/2 yrs now; and she is really starting to have problems from all of the negativity and anti-immigrant sentiment she is getting. Along with this is the constant nosy questioning from the busy bodies she deals with.

Things like:
Are you just here for a Green card
Why are you so skinny
Why no kids
Do you have some disease

She says that such personal questions would not be tolerated back home, and if she tells them "not your business"; then she gets hammered with all of the "rude foreigner" treatment. I am telling her to simply ignore all of the trash people---they are not important; but she is very upset about how people "touch her" with their comments and questions.

Did any of your wives run into this problem, and how did y'all handle it?

aikorob,

Hang in there... there are all types of low-lives out there.  Sadly, it appears your wife is not getting a "fair go" from people who should at least give her some common courtesy.

I see some in here automatically turn on you and say it's your wifes fault    (somehow...  God knows how they arrive at such an accusation????)

As you're well aware by now... all we can do is support our wives when stupid people around us say stupid things.  My wife and I have had very little of this but when it arises it feels much better to smash the "mothers" than meekly walk away.

A week or so ago my wife mentioned to someone that her mother was coming back to Australia soon.  The immediate response from this person (friend of the family... loudmouth fat pig of a woman) was "Oh, does she want to live here?"

My wife was confused and said, "Why?"

"Because it's so terrible there, isn't it?"

My wife started explaining Moscow was a beautiful city and that her mother was very comfortably with her life there...  but this person will never realise what a jacka$$ of a questions it was.

Foolish people say foolish things...  and for most of them will never know how how foolish they really are...

Hang in there... give your wife all the support she could ever want.  Someone here negatively told you to "suck it up or move" - and while it was delivered in the wrong tone they may actually be right.  If your wife is unhappy in her environment and you love her... perhaps you need to make a big decision.

All the best!

Kuna

[RussianWind]

A week or so ago my wife mentioned to someone that her mother was coming back to Australia soon.  The immediate response from this person (friend of the family... loudmouth fat pig of a woman) was "Oh, does she want to live here?"

My wife was confused and said, "Why?"

"Because it's so terrible there, isn't it?"

My wife started explaining Moscow was a beautiful city and that her mother was very comfortably with her life there...  but this person will never realise what a jacka$$ of a questions it was.

I don't see it as a rude question. Curiosity probably. Someone who's never been to Russia thinks life is horrible here as it was 15 years ago. For some Russians it is, for others it is not. I don't think she meant to be rude. You may be surprised here she probably meant to be polite

[Boethius]

Exactly, RussianWind.  She probably believes Australia is so wonderful, that absolutely everyone wants to live there!

[MR01]

Hahaha Kuna, reminds me of working in Brisbane 15 yrs ago. The locals I met all assumed I'd live there in a heartbeat (esp as I'm a Kiwi), when I told them I'd turned down a permanent transfer they came to the conclusion I was insane.
Always amazes me how little some people bother to learn of the world outside before they comment on it or someones choices.

[JR]

Always amazes me how little some people bother to learn of the world outside before they comment on it or someones choices.

Now there is a nugget of truth.

[Kuna]

Hahaha Kuna, reminds me of working in Brisbane 15 yrs ago. The locals I met all assumed I'd live there in a heartbeat (esp as I'm a Kiwi), when I told them I'd turned down a permanent transfer they came to the conclusion I was insane.
Always amazes me how little some people bother to learn of the world outside before they comment on it or someones choices.

At least you understand what it can be like...  (but.. MR01... let's be honest...     as a Kiwi in Brisbane you couldn't blame most locals from expecting you to follow the rest of your countrymen...  Ever go to the Story Bridge Hotel for a Beldesloe Cup game?     Hard to find an Aussie there...    )

I don't see it as a rude question. Curiosity probably. Someone who's never been to Russia thinks life is horrible here as it was 15 years ago. For some Russians it is, for others it is not. I don't think she meant to be rude. You may be surprised here she probably meant to be polite

Russianwind... for some it may be an innocent question but I know this woman as she is a "friend of the family"..  I wouldn't recite the story if I didn't think she was pruposely being rude.

She's not afraid of making vulgar racist remarks and spitting venom at anyone that doesn't take her fancy...

Exactly, RussianWind.  She probably believes Australia is so wonderful, that absolutely everyone wants to live there!

Kuna, you are the one who needs a cluebat.  When a person is upset at the comments of strangers, and carries this with them, it says more about the person than the clueless stranger.  The OP's wife can control her reactions.  If she is such a delicate flower that even what are likely clumsy attempts to be complimentary upset her, imagine what will happen if she faces real hardship. 

TSK TSK TSK... An American woman - married to a Ukrainian man - claims to know everything about FSU and FSUW - and now you know everything about a friend of my family??? 

UNBELIEVABLE - It must be true what so many men here say about American women... 

When a person is upset at the comments of strangers, and carries this with them, it says more about the person than the clueless stranger.  The OP's wife can control her reactions.  If she is such a delicate flower that even what are likely clumsy attempts to be complimentary upset her, imagine what will happen if she faces real hardship. 

Your continued denegration of a members wife by using terms like "If she is such a delicate flower " is a disgrace.

She's not a delicate flower,  she is a married woman being insulted by women (apparently not unlike YOU), and her husband came here to seek out some advice/support.

Why shouldn't his wife be upset or pissed off if American women put sh!t on her?  I bet the men around her aren't insulting her like their wives are...

So, while you may offer the clue bat to me I would suggest you give the OP a break when he comes here to seek support and information about something that is obviously troubling him.  The last thing he needs is to have his wife further denegrated and the attack of another foul minded American woman.


My original comment to the OP Stands...  You have the right to defend your wife and her sensitivities when any foul minded creature attacks her.  If needed,  you may consider moving her and your relationship to a place which is less hostile to beautiful women, or immigrants in general.

She just doesn't deserve the sh!t - not even in here!



AND BY THE WAY....  WTF IS REAL HARDSHIP?????

Leaving your family and friends... everything you've known... to marry a man and move to a far away, unfamiliar place...  go through the ups and downs... struggle to make a marriage work (which isn't easy at the best of times) and still 2.5 years later have to put up with snide remarks from people like you? 

Sounds like a hardship to me.

You owe the OP an apology!

[Boethius]

Glad you know so much about me, Kuna.  As I have posted previously, I am not American, and my husband is of mixed ancestry.

As far as I have observed, nobody is forcing FSU women to list their names with agencies/on the internet, or marry foreigners and move abroad.  Perhaps you can enlighten me on where all this "hardship" is in marrying someone you love occurs?  Please do so, since, as an "AW" who makes you want to puke, I can surely be educated by someone of your superior intellect and EQ.

Real hardship is experiencing the unnatural death of a loved one, a life threatening illness in the family, being forced from your home (whether by economic crisis or otherwise), or living through a war, famine, or natural disaster.  I would have followed my husband to the ends of the earth.  I never viewed anything I gave up as a "hardship", because I am madly in love with him.  This, Kuna, is how a woman in love thinks.  You will note that in most of the FSUW/WM marriages that break up, the woman does not move back to the family that she left, notwithstanding this being such a great sacrifice.

As others have pointed out (and you apparently missed), she may have misinterpreted the comments.  I have no doubt the "AIDS" comment was misinterpreted - it was likely something to the effect of "Don't you have aid (i.e. help) at home?

 In my experience, people generally are not purposely malicious or mean spirited, particularly Americans of whom you, evidently, know very little.  I have spent a great deal of time in the US (mostly the West), and in my experience, the average American is clueless about the rest of the world, but friendly, generous and kind, even in big cities.  Furthermore, even if a comment was made with ill intent, a person's reaction to that comment says more about the person than it does about the person making the comment.

I don't live in a world of illusions.  You can't change people.  You can only change your reaction.  A woman who takes comments from the mouths of complete strangers so personally is going to have problems, whether she is from the FSU or the West.  That is not a denigration of the OP's wife, I'm sure she is a fabulous person - it is just reality.

 She's not afraid of making vulgar racist remarks and spitting venom at anyone that doesn't take her fancy...

What is it they say about being known by the company you keep?

[SMS60]

My original comment to the OP Stands...  You have the right to defend your wife and her sensitivities when any foul minded creature attacks her.  If needed,  you may consider moving her and your relationship to a place which is less hostile to beautiful women, or immigrants in general.

She just doesn't deserve the sh!t - not even in here!

Lighten up a little dude. All I can say about moving or in simple terms........ running from problems.........is wow.... or ridiculous.

I cant imagine anyone packing up and moving because of the way they feel they are getting treated by strangers.

[MR01]

Wow glad I'm not asking for advice this week, must be a planetary alignment thing.

Kuna, actually they all I assumed I was a Mexican as I had a Vic accent after working in a old Dockers & Painters pub when I first landed. The shock was I  prefered Melb to Brissy.

[Kuna]

Wow glad I'm not asking for advice this week, must be a planetary alignment thing.

Kuna, actually they all I assumed I was a Mexican as I had a Vic accent after working in a old Dockers & Painters pub when I first landed. The shock was I  prefered Melb to Brissy.

Ahhh... must have been a humidity thing...  I personally love Melbourne,  but I like Brisbane culture (or lack of it) better!...   

[aikorob]

Ronnie..."The comment about the cost of the Driver License photos sounds particularly foreign in origin since it's not possible to "pay" for a DL photo"----I pay for a photo every time I renew my licence.   No; the meaning behind that one was "How much  did you pay for documents in the alley...like all of the other illegals".

Boethius: AIDS as in "dying"   Nata is very slender--when she hits 50 kilos it is diet time, add the fact that she avoids the sun; and I can see how a clueless person could think she was sick---we are still not sure how no kids=deadly disease

Folks---she KNOWS catty remarks when she hears them

Nata has received comments about her clothing and appearance; and they have generally been good, or genuinely curious. She has no problem with these people----it is just the few ignorant/spiteful ones that seem to stick in her mind. I guess that is the same with everything----100 good points will be immediately forgotton with 1 bad thing.

She is making more AW friends in a different area now... so she will have other places to go & can avoid the "trash dump" people.

We have also gotton her Master's degree re-evaluated, so she can start on a MBA in the spring---hopefully this will bring her in contact with a better class of people also.


Kuna---I have told her that she sometimes needs to just tell these people to F**K off. She did this to one particular  woman in the gym---no problems with that one since!

[Ronnie]

Ronnie..."The comment about the cost of the Driver License photos sounds particularly foreign in origin since it's not possible to "pay" for a DL photo"----I pay for a photo every time I renew my licence.   No; the meaning behind that one was "How much  did you pay for documents in the alley...like all of the other illegals".

Boethius: AIDS as in "dying"   Nata is very slender--when she hits 50 kilos it is diet time, add the fact that she avoids the sun; and I can see how a clueless person could think she was sick---we are still not sure how no kids=deadly disease

Folks---she KNOWS catty remarks when she hears them

Nata has received comments about her clothing and appearance; and they have generally been good, or genuinely curious. She has no problem with these people----it is just the few ignorant/spiteful ones that seem to stick in her mind. I guess that is the same with everything----100 good points will be immediately forgotton with 1 bad thing.

She is making more AW friends in a different area now... so she will have other places to go & can avoid the "trash dump" people.

We have also gotton her Master's degree re-evaluated, so she can start on a MBA in the spring---hopefully this will bring her in contact with a better class of people also.


Kuna---I have told her that she sometimes needs to just tell these people to F**K off. She did this to one particular  woman in the gym---no problems with that one since!

Rob,
I did mention that in the states I was familiar with you don't pay for the DL photo... They take it right at the DMV counter and it's imbedded in the license...like it or not.  Apparently, from what you describe, Georgia is different.  That's why the comment seemed peculiar to my ears.

I'm glad she is getting her compliments..your opening post didn't mention that and had many of us husbands of FSUW raising an eyebrow.  The rude comments are more the great exception than the rule in our experience.  Mostly, FSUW draw far more praise and positive comments that any other W.

[Kuna]

Kuna---I have told her that she sometimes needs to just tell these people to F**K off. She did this to one particular  woman in the gym---no problems with that one since!

Onya mate...  and good on her too...  some people only undersatand when they get a gob full! 

[henryLauson]

I’m sure the ladies that come here (the US) to live see some of this.  I remember several years ago I went to the dentist and a young 30ish (ok, to me she was young ) assistant working there had a Russian accent.  I remember asking her,
“Are you Russian?” and her response was a very worried and tentative “…yes”.
With my response of “how wonderful”, her troubled countenance immediately changed to a HUGE smile, so obviously she had been the recipient of a certain amount of disparaging comments; and was afraid that she was about to bear a few more from me.

I think I even followed that question with the “How do you like it here ?” that has been analyzed to death up thread.  As posters have already eluded, I was making small talk, I wasn’t trying to infer anything about her life in Russia as opposed to her life here.  I don’t remember her exact response, but I suspect her response was a well rehearsed standard one she had given numerous times before to the same question.  To paraphrase, she stated that Russia had many advantages and disadvantages, and so did the US; but she was happy with the decision she had made.  I remember thinking that her answer to my question had been provided with a lot more thought that I had used in asking it.

No matter where we go, we are bound to find a certain number obnoxious people.  They are going to find fault with us because we’re bald, because we wear thick glasses, because we’re over (or under) weight, because a host of other things, or because we’re Russian.   If you support your lady (as I’m sure you do), and if she surrounds herself with a group of friends that she respects and they, in turn, respect her; then I can’t believe that this is going to be a big or lasting problem.

[mies]

Hi folks,

Nata has been here for over 2 1/2 yrs now; and she is really starting to have problems from all of the negativity and anti-immigrant sentiment she is getting. Along with this is the constant nosy questioning from the busy bodies she deals with.

Things like:
Are you just here for a Green card
Why are you so skinny
Why no kids
Do you have some disease

She says that such personal questions would not be tolerated back home, and if she tells them "not your business"; then she gets hammered with all of the "rude foreigner" treatment. I am telling her to simply ignore all of the trash people---they are not important; but she is very upset about how people "touch her" with their comments and questions.

Did any of your wives run into this problem, and how did y'all handle it?

I never received this sort of questions or bad treatment. Maybe your wife provokes them? I remember you posted something of similar nature awhile in the past.

When people ask me some questions - I can understand their curiosity, and I have no problem answering their questions, or asking them questions about themselves. It's ok to talk to people.

[mies]

Simoni--we are about an hour from downtown Atlanta

some more examples:
clerk in Old Navy took a look at her driver's licesense and said "oh this looks good---how much did you pay for it?"
person in her class at college---"I read about Russia on the internet---all women are prostitutes there"
woman in sport club---"you have no children at your age ?---you must have AIDS"
another overweight cashier--"oh, I would never wear a sweater like this"


Any comment like this directed to me would get a responce of ---its none of your @&*%$@ business

Boethius---her attitude is not a problem---ask her some of these same questions; with an open attitude and no snide comments; and she happily talks to people

Aikorob - you and your wife are totally overreacting about some things.
a clerk's comment - was a total compliment. I don't see how this could possible be understood as insult.
person in her class in college - just plain dumb. Wife should reply "Good for you! You really can read "
women in sportsclub - probably some b-tch. Wife should reply "so you know much about AIDS, huh?"
cashier - just making a conversation. wife can ask "you think it looks bad? What sweater do you like?" Maybe she can indeed give some interesting piece of advice about picking sweaters. If she works in apparel store - I bet she knows much about sweaters and cloths in general, no matter how overweight she is.

 When a person is upset at the comments of strangers, and carries this with them, it says more about the person than the clueless stranger.  The OP's wife can control her reactions.  If she is such a delicate flower that even what are likely clumsy attempts to be complimentary upset her, imagine what will happen if she faces real hardship.  

I partially agree with you, Boethius. Partially - because I think that OP's wife is feeling blue (for whatever reasons) - and therefore is seeing the world in darker hues isn't something she can correct immediately or easily. But I do agree with you - that her attitude contributes more to the problem, than the people around. And she definitely needs to stop hating overweight people and Mexicans. This is her own negativity - towards overweight people, towards other people, towards Mexican immigrants or whoever else - causes much trouble to her. I'm quite sure about that.

Aikorob - have you ever thought that your wife may be giving you hints that she wants to relocate to a different place - where she won't be treated as a exotic pet, and where community would be much more diverse and tolerant to foreigners/immigrants?

[mies]

Are you just here for a Green card
Why are you so skinny
Why no kids
Do you have some disease

1) No I want a blue passport
2) I am not, think about that...
3) How do you know ?
4) Want some ?

Shadow - this is hilarious!!! I will write them down in my diary

[Simoni]

~another overweight cashier--"oh, I would never wear a sweater like this"

cashier - just making a conversation.

No, that is NOT just making conversation. It is downright rude, and most likely comes from the jealousy of this cashier.

It reminds of the guy guy who attacked my wife (I was not with her) at a building social soon after we moved in.  He hated the Soviet Union and this was his chance to attack.   Neighbors rescued my wife, but it did not make his behavior excusable.  

I see some in here automatically turn on you and say it's your wifes fault    (somehow...  God knows how they arrive at such an accusation????)

i agree with Kuna; posters here need to stop attacking the member's wife that was attacked.  You are in poor company when you do...

[mies]

~another overweight cashier--"oh, I would never wear a sweater like this"

No, that is NOT just making conversation. It is downright rude, and most likely comes from the jealousy of this cashier.

It reminds of the guy guy who attacked my wife (I was not with her) at a building social soon after we moved in.  He hated the Soviet Union and this was his chance to attack.   Neighbors rescued my wife, but it did not make his behavior excusable.  

i agree with Kuna; posters here need to stop attacking the member's wife that was attacked.  You are in poor company when you do...

We don't know what the cashier really implied. I understand that your wife was attacked by hostile man, but that doesn't necessarily mean that cashier was also hostile towards OP's wife.
And who is happier - me, who likes making conversations and having good laughs with friendly strangers, or OP's wife? who is complaining about insults?

Also - I do not understand why do you view my comments as attack? What makes them appear as attack? I said that in my opinion - OP's wife is continuously experiencing certain unhappiness, she apparently dislikes overweight people, and feels victimized. This is not an attack. This is simply rephrasing what OP wrote. I am not saying OP's wife is acting bad. I am saying that making other people guilty in this case - is a dead end. Part of the problem - is that community is not very diverse, does not have many slim people, and there are certain "unbreakable" rules followed by community members - who is the bread winner, how many children should woman have and at what age, what should be normal family diet. Another (and bigger) part of the problem - that OP's wife cannot and does not want to assimilate with this community. This is why - she is unhappy. This is why - she is overreacting to what is happening around her, and with her negativity - attracts more negative comments. She cannot change the whole community. And those people aren't bad. She can either become more likeable for the community - and not necessarily via complying to community rules. Or she can move to another place. There are no other solutions.

[Boethius]

I partially agree with you, Boethius. Partially - because I think that OP's wife is feeling blue (for whatever reasons) - and therefore is seeing the world in darker hues isn't something she can correct immediately or easily.

True, and a good point.  I never thought about the fact she may be feeling blue.

I agree, I think the driver's licence and sweater were probably clumsy attempts at small talk.  

[SMS60]

Real life is not for thin skinned people.

[mies]

Real life is not for thin skinned people.

agree. and I guarantee - she would receive same comments if she moved to a russian or ukrainian village/town of 1000-5000 population or less. She would be questioned why she is so slim and whether she has a disease, why doesn't she have any children - and pitied that she cannot conceive, and laughed at - while drinking yogurt. This isn't so much of an "international" phenomenon, nor modern. It's not about thick or thin skin. It just happens this way. The smaller and more homogeneous is the community - the harder it is for an outsider, especially a female outsider - to assimilate in it. 

[Ronnie]

~another overweight cashier--"oh, I would never wear a sweater like this"

It reminds of the guy guy who attacked my wife (I was not with her) at a building social soon after we moved in.  He hated the Soviet Union and this was his chance to attack.   Neighbors rescued my wife, but it did not make his behavior excusable.  
i agree with Kuna; posters here need to stop attacking the member's wife that was attacked.  You are in poor company when you do...

Who is attacking anyone's wife?  What has been said is that since no member has actually witnessed these "attacks", it remains a possibility that either they didn't happen at all or that the wife blew some innocent and well-intended compliment all out of proportion.  That is not an attack on anyone's wife nor is it saying she was at fault.   But Kuna's statement (seconded by Simoni) is an excellent example how a statement,  can be twisted into something far worse than intended.

[Floriana]

aikorob, I was surprised to read about this problem. I've always heard that people in the West are generally more polite about such personal issues. As mies pointed out, this insensitivity is rampant here in Ukraine though.
Just the other day, I was reading an article about a Ukrainian woman who had fertility problems and how she felt better when she lived in Canada with her (Ukrainian) husband for some time because people there were not asking her, "So why don't you have kids yet?" etc.
JollyRats, you came up with great replies