Is it smart to be a "One week wonder"?

[KenC]

Is it smart to be a "One week wonder"?

[align=justify]
I just cannot understand how a guy could make such a committment with so little first hand experience with a woman. I hear the "we were like we knew each other for ever" statements, but I see no downside to actually knowing each other. It doesn't seem the least bit logical or practical that one should get engaged to a stranger and the girl is certainly an unknown quantity after such a short period of time.

Think about your first trip to the FSU. The first few days you are really in a state of being dazed and confused because of the time difference and jet lag. Add to that the overwhelming sensory input of just being in such a different country. Add into the mix a pretty woman that may have been built up into more than she is through anticipation and a varying degree of language and cultural barriers. It just appears , to me, that to make such a serious committment (and there in lies the real question) is a foolish move. Unless of course, it is not a serious committment.

Need anyone here think that I am less than a romantic man, I will share a bit of my own story. My wife of 4 1/2 years and I were very "taken" with each other before my first visit. We did not speak of love because the two of us were far too logical and practical for that. We knew that the true test of one's emotions could not be calculated via email or phone calls. Our first meeting was as magical as any could be. If I were to make a case for "love at first sight" that would be it. But we still exhibited patience and logic to see where we would be later down the road. As time progressed we found our love to be true and not an aboration of the moment and we married some nine months later after we were sure of each other.

I guess my second question would be:
What is the downside to waiting to get engaged until you truly know a person?

Let me additionally say that I know that these quickie engagements can work out long term. Just as Britney Spears Las Vegas marriage to her long time friend could have worked, but is it the smart thing to do?
KenC

p.s. (I also think that the more experienced posters here do the newbies a great disservice by just congatulating the "one week wonders" and not warning them of the potential harm their actions may cause)[/align]

[Jack]

Hey Ken, you have asked some good questions, raised some good points.

I see quite often these guys who write one Russian lady, go to meet this one Russian lady and marry this one Russian lady after one week of seeing her. Time and time again I see these type marriage fall by the way side. These type guys just do not think with their big head. Oh my, this fine, young, sexy Russian woman, she gave him the best sex he ever had, he must be in love. He realizes he could never get such a woman as this in America,..."I better marry her before someone beats me to her" I think is the attitude many of these guys take.

I also think guys who marry the first and only Russian woman they ever met after one week might be lacking a little in self-confidence.

I often wonder how any guys knows that the one and only Russian woman he met was the best Russian woman for him if he never even met a second, or a third or fourth Russian woman. He NEVER even had another Russian woman to compare her too!

And like you it makes me want to throw-up when I see posters, especially on one particular Russian discussion board, congratulate one week wonders. What a dis-service to him and other newby's who read the post.

[KenC]

Jack,

It doesn't even have to be the only RW the guy ever met either.  He may have met a slew of RW and then decided to marry one of them after a few days.  My point is how well can you possibly know someone after a few days?  I guess a one week wonder would answer, well enough to marry her!:shock:  Talk about rolling the dice!?

KenC

[Vaughn]

Excellent post, KenC. I myself often wondered what ran through guys' minds when they made their first (or second) visit to the FSU. Some would go armed with K-1 paperwork and by God, they planned to come home engaged no matter what! One friend, admitting that he and his hopeful were totally incompatible face-to-face, popped the question anyway, as if his investment of time, emotion and money had to produce fruit at whatever cost. Amazing. Now I'm one of those guys who lucked out - I wrote to a few ladies, narrowed it down to only one after a few weeks, and concentrated on just her. We met after 5 months of correspondence and calls, got along fabulously, and now we're married two years. I made three separate trips to Russia to see her, the last to bring her home, but the second one was even more significant regarding our future. There was no downside to our patience, but I imagine that patience could precipitate the downfall of some relationships - and maybe that's a blessing in disguise to those involved. Having spent only 10 days together exclusively, we knew a second visit was paramount to erase any uncertainties, and to confirm what we felt. In short, we felt far too advanced in life to make any rash decisions (we were 50 and 37). Ultimately, she brought over a young teenaged daughter - a huge factor to consider, removing a beautiful child from a stable environment and dispatching her into unknowns. As it turns out, our daughter picked up English quickly, is a 10th grade honor student, and a part-time hostess at a Lone Star Steakhouse - she loves the USA and has adapted very well.

As for dating many Russian women, well, I never did. But I sure got an earful from other American men about their grief in trying to wade through dozens to find the right one, some are still searching - meanwhile, my wife and I are enjoying life together to the fullest. "Everyday with you is adventure" we say to one another. If I could have been luckier to find an even better match for me, I'll never know it, and I don't lose sleep about that. Did I settle for just the first one to come down the pike? Not really, I eliminated five for beginners, and believe me, I did not write to the first pretty six faces I saw - I studied their bios intently, I made several phone calls (I happen to speak fair Russian, which really helps) and in effect, did my own screening - I was able to eliminate two women immediately, one who sounded indifferent, and another who seemed evasive - and both were in stark contrast to their "wonderful" e-mails. The way I saw it, time and money saved. If things had not worked out with my Elvira, admittedly, I had absolutely NO back-up plan on my first venture Eastward, except to just enjoy myself - and I entertained no fatal mission to meet deadlines or fulfill any ill-advised fantasies. Earlier on Dan's board, I was blasted for telling a man that a "SKROHM-na-ya" woman (a "modest" one) was a great prospect for a wife. There's a huge difference between modesty and prudishness. Elvira embodied an air of patience and modesty mixed with passion. Often, it's the SKROHM-na-ya FSU lady who initiates intimacy and will be the uninhibited and faithful lover. KenC, I dated too many bargirls here in the USA, and I wasn't going to waste my time going down that same highway in the FSU. I met a few showstoppers along the way, but never harbored any regrets about the woman I chose, and who, in turn, chose me. Had I been younger, say, 35, the hunt would have been much more difficult for me - at that age I was a very uncertain creature, liable to be swayed by any pretty face with a European accent, with little discernment for the actual compatibility prospects.

But, I suspect, so long as there are big boys dealing with little heads, and poetically beautiful vixens to cloud their better judgment, there will be imminent self-imposed heartbreak, borne of self-deception, fueled by the misperception that these ladies are mere servants to our sexual, household and egotistical needs, and any pretty one will suffice. May those guys realize discernment, level-headedness and most significantly, patience.

Again, I enjoyed your insightful post.

Vaughn

[KenC]

Vaugn,

Thanks for your kind words.  I think this "one week wonder" concept is more about wish fulfillment than it is about sex.  As you pointed out in your post, the guys just want to fulfill their goal of finding a wife and gosh darn it, they will do it one way or another.  It is also about the type of men that are generally attracted to MOB.  A lot of guys that sign up for this type of service are not very experienced with women.  They become overwhelmed by the first woman that pays any attention to them and they do not know how to handle it.  It's just gotta be love!! 

KenC

[Bruce]

Ken, Vaugn - excellent posts and points.  One thing I could possibly add is that when I first went to St. Petersburg on an AFA tour in November 1999 there were a number of guys who saved all year and only had two weeks vacation - so they were determined to find someone and close the deal ie. armed with K-1 paperwork etc.  It is too bad I did not keep track of what ended up happening to their relationships ie. how many brought girls back to their hometowns etc. and how long they lasted - if they ever got that far.  Still, some could still be married to sleeper girls ie. girls just looking for a fun lavish ride in the lap of luxury until they have sufficient contacts, proper documentation and a sound footing on their own before splitting, hopefully with a lavish settlement to boot!   Since I am a recently married I always hope it is not in the back of my girls mind as well - so far no signs, but all I can do is live each day the best I can and work at my relationship with my wife, like I suppose you all do as well  .

[KenC]

Bruce,

What a lot of guys do not realize is that there are many additional pitfalls to a marriage to a RW on top of the usual ones.  The culture shock alone can break up a marriage to a RW.  With the added stress of her re-learning almost everything, it is one hell of a burden on both the wife and the husband.  Then you have the fear/reality of the woman possibly hitting the road after obtaining her perminant status.  A new marriage is tough enough for the parties, let alone these added pressures.

KenC

[Bruce]

Ken - right on.  Speaking / emailing etc. to very experienced people like yourself should be a must for any guy contemplating the process.  Unfortunately, I tend to think most guys are not on the chat boards 'talking" to experienced individuals prior to getting suckered into some agency that is only too happy to take the guys money and could not care less if he meets a quality girl etc.

[Vaughn]

Bruce,

Are you "Hockeybrain?"

Vaughn

 

 

[Jack]

[user=12]Vaughn[/user], he's not this season!!  :X    Bruce has been greatly effected by this year's lack of Hockey.

Ok, back to the topic at hand here.

What is the best way to go about finding your Russian bride?

The best method, the best way, to go about the search for a man's Russian bride is as varied as the men themselves.
  
Their is no one right or wrong way. The right way is the way, the method, a man is most comfortable with.
 
Their are some men who can only meet one woman at a time because it is their way,  the way they are most comfortable with. Their are men who will write several ladies and end up meeting two, three or four ladies. Their are men who have no problem with meeting many ladies in a short period of time and then concentrating on the one or two who rose to the top.
 
Their are many cases like Vaughn where a guy wrote some ladies and narrowed it down to one. He met only this one lady and over a period of time, after two, three more visits convinced himself this was the best Russian woman for him.
 
And I have talked to several guys who did this same approach. Often times I will ask them, "If you only met one Russian woman and you married the only Russian women you ever met, how do you know she was the best Russian women for you if you never even met a second, or a third, or a fourth Russian woman? How were you able to compare her with another Russian women if you never met another Russian women? And most the times the guys will say "they just knew she was the right choice".  And something many of these same men will also tell me, because we are friends, is "Jack, don't get me wrong, I am happy with our marriage and everything, but you know, I think if I had to do it over again, I might have met a few more Russian ladies". 
 
I guess I'm just different, although I also fell for the first Russian woman I met and thought as I left Moscow I was going to marry her, I think it would be hard for me to go thru life always wondering what it might have been like to have met a second or third Russian woman just so I could have had a comparison

[Goombah]

Just to add my experience:

I'm one of those write-a-couple, narrow down to one, then visit guys.  I find I just cannot seriously commit to more than one lady at a time.  Pure logic dictates that you must write to more than one at a time, or you will waste months waiting for replies that will never come.  But I find I can narrow it down to one within a few weeks.  

I've been stung a few times:  A week before I was scheduled to arrive, the lady I was interested in told me that "we would never be more than friends".  That left me in a bit of a pickle, so I engaged Brett's (KievConnections.com) Matchmaker service and he lined me up with 4 ladies in the 4 days I gave him to pull it together.  There was no chemistry with the first lady, nice, but no sparks.  I flipped over the second lady, cancelled my other dates, took her out five times over eight days and remain in touch.

I can't emphasize how important English skills are.  My current lady is level "2" on the 0-5 scale.  Its cute, and we can converse for 10-20 minutes before running out of vocabulary.  She managed to translate the jist of a Horror movie to me.  We SMS each other virtually daily, sometimes several times a day, but she has not been good at writing serious e-mails with real content.  This may become a problem if it goes on much longer.  I just told her this, and am now awaiting some form of contact anxiously.

I think its also important to emphasize honesty, and demand the same.  This process is hard enough without having to deal with white lies, which I get the sense are very common  over there.

I'm not a one-week wonder, but suspect I could easily be a one-year wonder, from first meeting to being married.  Thats incredibly easy to do:  Week 1 - meet new lady.  Week 2-12, exchange letters.  Week 13 - meet lady again.  Propose.  Week 14 - file I129-F. Week 26 - optional visit. Week 40 - Prep for Interview.  Week 44 - meet lady 3rd (or 4th time), interview, get visa, fly back with her.  Week 52 (60 day mark on 90 day visa) - get married.  Seems rushed, but there is a lot of time between proposing and getting married to learn about each other.  Only risk is the filing fee - at least for awhile.

Kevin (early 46, cautiously seeking 24-28 with some success)

[Jack]

Hey Kevin, so let me play the devil's advocate here. You know I care for you so this is not directed at you.

You have or are investing all your time, efforts and thoughts into this one woman. You wrote a handful, narrowed it down to one and visited this one. Things were ok, because you don't communicate real well, so it's kind of cute.

Now let's say we have close to 10 month or a year invested in 'the one' and something happens. She changes her mind. It does happen a LOT. And for some reason you have to start all over. Now were 47.   :X    You might be 48 before she get's here, unless heaven forbid something happens with that one and we have to start all over. 

Kevin, guys who are 33 or 36 or 38, they can do this and maybe get by with doing it this way for some time, but when you start to get around 47, 49, 51, most guys don't feel they want to take their sweet ass time, BUT yet they also want to find a good, sincere woman.  What do a lot of these guys end up doing? They begin to correspond with and see more than one woman until they find the right one.

You like your odds better if your choosing from a pool of one, or if your choosing from a pool of 10.    Go to work, find 20-25 fine ladies in hopes of getting to your pool of 10. Work to have 10 fine ladies you can meet on a trip. Why put all your eggs in one basket and then feeling maybe a little un-due pressure to do something you may not want to do because you only have this one choice.

You think you can't write 10 ladies, see 10 different ladies on a trip?  Sure you can. Serious guys are doing it everyday

[Goombah]

Hi Jack.  I know, I know... its just not me, at least not yet.

Write now I'm seeing whats available that catches my eye whom is Fluent or Good in English, 25-32, 0 kids, very pretty, and living in Ukraine.  I'm trying to stick with a single semi-large agency (APW) and got a dozen or so hits - but they are scattered thoughout the country.  That would make it tough unless I asked them to all come to a common city like Kiev.  Maybe I'll grow the stuff to get to that point someday, but I'm not there now.

The alternative is to pick one or two ladies from a whole bunch of different agencies, like FirstDreams (Highly rated readers!) - but its just so much easier to work with one agency at a time.

City agencies like KievConnections works OK too, but with my language filter I'm currently using, the selection just gets too narrow.

The world changes completely if I drop down to "some" English - but since communications seems to be the root of my current problems, for this pass I'm shooting for better English.

I do agree that the risk is high, and recommend and personnally always have a backup plan.  I'll have one of those even if I go back to visit my current lady exclusively - just in case such a trip fails after the first day (Yeah, I could see some ladies letting a man come out to visit them for the 2nd time just to drop a bombshell on him).  In my case, I go with a half-dozen or so ladies numbers and agency names that are in the city I'm visiting.  I haven't found an agency yet that won't try and contact a lady for you when your there - for a fee of course!

Kevin

[Turboguy]

I am just curious why you don't seem to feel having them come to Kiev is an option.   Most of the ladies are willing to do that, at least they will if you cover their train or bus costs and they think you are sincere.    I am sure if you say, yes, you are one of the 50 women I want to meet, come on up to Kiev you won't get too many takers but it is not much of a problem and it is a lot easer for them to travel than for you to. 

[Goombah]

Logistics for one.  Although some wouldn't care, others would be offended by any suggestion they stay with me.  I could offer to rent them a hotel room, but that has implications to.  I'm not being prudish here, I have female Ukrainian friends that have confirmed this.  Some would come, some would stay, some would even sleep with me - but many of those would do it out of a feeling of obligation rather than love.

On the flip side, it would be a way to find those whom were really serious.  On the other flip side, one might lose some of the best candidates.

Kevin

[Turboguy]

To me if I really thought the gal had potential it is not such a big investment.  On my December trip to Kiev, which was a short trip, one of the gals was two hours away by bus and made the trip a few times without any reimbursment.   Another was a gal from Donetsk I had been writing for ages and considered a top cantidate.   I offered to pay her airfare and hotel if she would come up.    The Airfare was $ 125.00 and I got her a room at the Dnepro on Orbitz for $ 83.00.   I only brought her up for a day so she did not have to take off work and because my time was short.  She thought it was a big adventure and jumped at the chance.  

In chasing women from that part of the world that was a small investment compared to me going to their city, trying to find a hotel, and still paying the airfare and hotel but loosing an extra two days in travel.

A few days later I visited an dating agency with my buddy I talked about in an other post who was 62 and only likes 19 year olds.  The guy who ran the agency was saying it does not make sense to fly them, they will take the train from any part of Ukraine to meet a guy if he pays the few dollars for train fare.   He flet that guys who offer to fly them are wasting their money, but still I like to do things right.

On the other had you can run into all kinds of things.  My friend who likes the 19 year olds brought one of his 19 year olds in on his trip and had a hard time getting rid of her.   She was staying with him.   

Then too last spring I wanted to bring one gal in form Starvapol to Moscow and another from Socci to St Petersburg.   The gal from Starvapol wanted $ 200.00 for her expenses (Airfare+cab).   The gal from Socci wated $ 800.00.   (in her defense she was staying more days).  When the $ 800.00 gal arrived she said her money was gone (mysteriously, she did not know where) I think she got another $ 500 then and got into a big fight with me at the end of the trip when I only gave her another $ 250.00 (just for pocket money)   Just for the record the $ 800.00 gal and I were both bored with each other and did not get along.  (She did not like to go anywhere.  She told me the only thing she enjoys doing is sitting on the couch watching tv, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes)  Of course I should not talk about my friend, this gal was 19 and my age is in the same range with my friend.   

Personally I have never not had one show up after I sent her money to travel.   It costs the same to bring her to you as it does for you to go to her and it saves a ton of hastle.   If a gal quotes you some exhorbatant price just don't do it.   Offer on the hotel.   If they say, I will just stay with you that is fine.   You won't have offended them and you can save a few bucks.   The gal from Starvapol offered that and it worked out nice.  Sometimes if I really like the gal I will send a bit more than they ask for just in good faith and so they don't end up straned somewhere but that is not neccesary.   

I really think If I would have known the gals would travel as easily and cheaply as they do, I would have been married long ago.   There were a lot of gals I really liked but could not work out the logistics to get to their city.   Now I know that all I had to do was ask.

 

 

 

[cameraguy]

One week wonder?  I've experienced love at first sight, and it
can happen. I read a book on the subject and its statistical
surveys showed that the divorce rate was LOWER for 'love
at first sight' couples, compared with the national average in
the USA. Interesting. But, I do agree that it can't
hurt to take your time and see how the relationship develops.
It it was true love, then waiting will show that to be a reality
rather than a fantasy.   -doug

[cameraguy]

I think some of us are quite intuitive and actually can perceive
very quickly that a particular woman is 'right'. On the other hand,
it makes sense to go slow and be cautious anyway. If two people
are desperate to get married, that could really color things and
it may only be a nice fantasy. Can the person tell fantasy from reality?
Ask one's self : How perceptive are you and how good are you at looking into the mind and soul of a person?   -doug

[KenC]

Cameraguy,

You know, I fell in love with my wife on first sight, maybe even before we met, but it took me months and months to decide to marry her.  You can only tell the difference between "love at first sight" and "lust at first sight" after you get to know the other person thouroughly, and that takes time.

KenC

[Turboguy]

Guys, I hate to say it but you can be married to someone for twenty years and really not know them.  

I think I had pretty well fallen in love with my gal before:   1.  I had ever seen her photo.  2.  I even knew what she did for a living or anything about her family.  3.  I even knew if she had ever been married or had kids.   I have to admit i wasn't ready for marriage at that point but I had made up my mind that she was really special and I wanted to meet her and find out what there was between us.

I don't think you can meet someone the way we do and really know them.   I won't repeat what I said in my first sentance but I will add that often once a gal or guy has a ring on his finger he or she is not even close to the same person they were before they were married.

I think you need to learn as much about someone before you take the plunge, but if you have good feelings go for it.

 

 

[Greg]

I am a one week wonder. I never thought it could happen to me. I guess all is fair in love and war. To all the skeptics out there, It can happen to you too, if your not closed to the idea.

[Jack]

Hey Greg, how you doing?
 
So what did you think of Kherson? 
 
Let me ask you something Greg, do you think you meeting Tanya and in the first week of meeting her, asking her to marry you is something you think happens often?  Would you recommend this approach/method to other men as well?
 
 

[stanb4]

Hi Jack, as you know I was also a 1 week wonder and while I would never recommend it, it just happened to work great for me.

For those of you who don't know my story, the short version is I went to meet a girl I had been writing for a few months and immediately upon meeting we both knew it wasn't going to happen, zero chemistry. My back up plan was to hang in Ukraine for a week then meet some friends that were vacationing in Amsterdam. So the next day the owner of the agency I used set me up with her "1/2 sister" who had tried the agency route but didn't like it and dropped out. We met for lunch, which ran into dinner, which ran into our engagement at the end of the week. We both knew that we probably would marry at the end of the first day and we were right. And while we had some doubts in the beginnig, we've done nothing but grow stronger and closer as time has gone on.

If I had it to do over again would I do it? Damn right I would. If I heard this story from someone else I too would have my doubts, but having been there and done that, I know its possible. But as I said I wouldn't recommend it as a plan, but if it happens...

[Jack]

Stan it is always good to know of actual situations like yours that turn out to be positive. I remember when you first did this and all the heat you caught from a lot of guys asking if you were sure about this. 

Like Greg and Tanya, and Stan and, I believe her name is Katya, forgive me if I am wrong, their are successful, as we call them 'one week wonders'. You guys had to feel that special something I assume to go forward. But I think both of you, although I do not know Greg and maybe he will disagree, so I should say I assume both of you would not recommend to others starting out in knowing a lady for one week and marrying her. Again (just as with successful marriages of many years age differences) I think loving, happy, lasting marriages that come from 'one week wonders' are the exception, not the norm.

[Greg]

Hi Jack,

Do I recommend doing what I did to anyone else? HECK NO! I can hardly believe I did it myself. To be honest if I listened to my brain i wouldn't have been a "one week wonder". Heck if I listened to MY brain I'd be single the rest of my life too. I do not recommend doing what I have done to anyone. I'm going %100 on my gut instincts. But I happen to be a big believer in my instincts. It hasn't let me down yet. I fell in love with a beautiful caring loving woman and it didn't have a whole lot to do with being rational. That being said, my heart tells me everyday I have done the right thing. Which would you listen to?