Her Smoking -- Problems? Solution? Experiences?

[Journeyman]

Has her smoking ever been an issue in your relationship?  If so, was it resolved satisfactorily, and happily?  How so?  Was she honest with you about it?  

From my observations in Russia and Ukraine, smoking seems to be regarded as normal a bodily function as breathing. Yet many FSU ladies do seem to know that American people do not partake to the same degree.  

My girlfriend says that she indulges occasionally, but I worry that her admission might possibly reflect the tip of some unpleasant iceberg.  She knows I'm against it.

After your wife arrived in your country, did her smoking habits become more evident, secretive, or decrease, or stop altogether?  

Anybody else with any relationship experiences in this area?

Journeyman

[TigerPaws]

Journeyman,

 For me smoking was and is a relationship stopper, if the girl smoked at all I politely said goodbye. On one date/meeting a girl which had said she did not smoke began smoking right after dinner and when I asked she said that she only had a cig. after dinner. I paid for dinner and had my driver call her a cab, end of discussion bye, bye time to mone on.

 You of course will have to decide what to do but I highly recommend you drop to girl and move on, in general asking someone who smokes to give it up for someone else rarely works in my humble opinion.

[Elen]

Yep:? How you are categorical with girls, Tiger:D

Well we really don't understand that smoking is such big "sin" as you see it:? 

 Let try to explain to your girl (in ultimative tone) how this issue is seriouse in the USA. May be she will understand. At least Russian women used to do more "hard" feats for the sake of their men:D than stopping to smoke

(PS I don't smoke, never tried and promiced to "kill" my daughter if I see her with a cigarette:D)

[Bruce]

Girl Smoking = Next Girl!!!  No need to even start a relationship with that girl.  Do you really want all your clothes smelling like smoke.  Do you want to cough when you wake up because of her disgusting problem.  Do you want to kiss an ashtray.  Do you want an increased risk of cancer for you and your future children.  Do you want to battle your wife with quit smoking now please dear edicts etc.  Simple - let someone else put up with her problem.  The fewer problems you start with initially the fewer problems you'll have to contend with ultimately.

[TigerPaws]

Girl Smoking = Next Girl!!!  No need to even start a relationship with that girl.  Do you really want all your clothes smelling like smoke.  Do you want to cough when you wake up because of her disgusting problem.  Do you want to kiss an ashtray.  Do you want an increased risk of cancer for you and your future children.  Do you want to battle your wife with quit smoking now please dear edicts etc.  Simple - let someone else put up with her problem.  The fewer problems you start with initially the fewer problems you'll have to contend with ultimately.

Bruce,

 I am in total agreement.

[Elen]

And what to do if that "sin" appeares after she came to the USA?

[BC]

Being a smoker myself, either accept it or move on.

[TheArrow]

Girl Smoking = Next Girl!!!  No need to even start a relationship with that girl.  Do you really want all your clothes smelling like smoke.  Do you want to cough when you wake up because of her disgusting problem.  Do you want to kiss an ashtray.  Do you want an increased risk of cancer for you and your future children.  Do you want to battle your wife with quit smoking now please dear edicts etc.  Simple - let someone else put up with her problem.  The fewer problems you start with initially the fewer problems you'll have to contend with ultimately.

What about drinking, eh? A little whisky every evening as American men do when they are back home from work. A little whisky tonight, a little whisky tomorrow.... You mentioned about risk of cancer. But the predisposition to dipsomania is inherited, by the way.

[Bruno]

Being a smoker myself, i accept women who smoke... but like Bruce say, the smell of smoke is very strong... i smoke but i have some rule... never smoke at home... outside is only the right place...

And this is certainly true in public place of when is children or non smoker around yourself. Smoking is my own problem and i have not the right to share my smoke with other... only a problem of respect other...

When you drink, the problem is different, the other are not obligate to drink with you...

But about risk of cancer, maybe it is need to prohibith auto, industry, ... smoke is a risk but our pollution is a very big risk...

[TheArrow]

When you drink, the problem is different, the other are not obligate to drink with you...

Yo may drink when you have a reason for drinking - a holiday, a birthday. But drinking a little every day...... hmmmmm. If you can't relax without drinking every evening...... no comments. I do not accept drinking coz I am a teetotal.

[TigerPaws]

 Sorry but smoking is totally unacceptable, I would not and will not tolerate it, I will not eat at a restaurant which allows somking nor will I allow guests to smoke in or around my home, if they need to smoke they can go down the street but not on my land. Harsh maybe but if they do not like the rules they do not have to come to our home.

 As for the use of alcohol in our home, sure we usuall have a glass of wine with dinner but if we are out it is no big deal we will have water. Sure we will have the occasional cocktail maybe one a month and a bottle of champagne split several ways on a birthday or for New Years but that is about it.

 

[acrzybear]

What about drinking, eh? A little whisky every evening as American men do when they are back home from work. A little whisky tonight, a little whisky tomorrow.... You mentioned about risk of cancer. But the predisposition to dipsomania is inherited, by the way.

[/quote]
There you go again dear stereo typing, not all Americans return home from work and have a drink or two, they go to the bar first:D:P

 

[Journeyman]

I appreciate the range of replies to the issue.

I am as much against smoking as anybody here.  Always, I have avoided meeting or starting a relationship with a woman who is a smoker.  However, one always discovers new things about a woman (or man) after a relationship begins.  That is the case here.  What is important is to never make so rash a judgment so as to possibly "throw the baby out with the bathwater."

Several weeks after my relationship began, she shared with me, as an honest admission, that she smoked occasionally.  She clearly defined the extent of her indulgence, and has continued to maintain that it is limited.  During my longest visit with her, we were together for almost 24 hours a day for nearly 3 straight weeks.  During this time, she never smoked, although later admitted an occasional desire to do so.  

She promises to quit at the latest, soon after arriving in my home.  It seems to me that she just needs to experience the proper motivation to do so.  That was the same for my sister.  Upon getting married, she quit.  She had kept her smoking a secret up until then, but decided on her own to quit upon getting married.  Smoking can be a complex behavioral issue -- a very emotional issue.

I have never seen an ultimatum work in a relationship. It only breeds resentment, and sometimes, revenge.  Moreover, we men must not forget that we are not perfect either.  How much must a lady overlook in us?  But, if two people really want to be together, they will often change their own behavior, and on their own volition.  We must never think that we can change somebody.  The only thing we can do is to make ourselves and a relationship with us to be as desireable as possile.  Then, the other must make decisions for himself, or herself.

Could I dump her and find another girl?  Yes.  And I could also run into the same thing again (or worse!). She knows what I want in her and from her.  She's a great gal otherwise.  Telling her to stop simply invites lies and retribution.  The "strong man" solution (demanding her to stop) doesn't work here.  She has not lied to me.  She will make her decisions.  After she arrives to live with me, she will learn just how much she has to lose.  Also, her emotional ties to me and her faith in our relationship will be strengthened immensely.  I think she will ultimately make the right decision -- for herself.

Journeyman

[TigerPaws]

Good luck Journeyman I wish you all the best and sucess in your relationship.

[Journeyman]

Thank you Tpaws,

Yes, I will need plenty of luck, and then we'll see.  Perhaps I can report back on my results, though I might not know for another year or so.

Journeyman

[BC]

After she arrives to live with me, she will learn just how much she has to lose.

Journeyman,

Good post re acceptance but this part raised the hair on my neck.. like fingernails dragging on a chalkboard.  Oh well that's another topic.

[Journeyman]

BC,

I understand your unpleasant reaction, because I think that you are probably thinking in conventional terms -- that I might be referring to wealth, etc.  Or perhaps you are thinking that I am suggesting that I am some great catch for a woman (some kind of Adonis).  No -- on both counts.  I'm just a normal, steady guy.  Probably like you.

I am referring to what she has told me that she wants most in a man and in a marriage.  And that doesn't relate to money, looks, or anything else in any of those categories that would make you or anyone else cringe (or worry about blackboards).  But, since you don't know either me or her, I guess that you might assume the worst about what I said.  No problem.  I am not offended.

At this point, I want to reflect upon my original post.  I had asked originally for a sharing of past experiences with this issue.  Instead, most responders offered opinions about the desireability of dating a lady who might smoke.  I understand and respect those opinions, and generally share most of them myself.  However, those replies really didn't respond all that much to my original post.  Therefore, it seems to me that the discussion has probably run its course, and been exhausted for now.  So, let's now move onto other topics!  

Thanks to all for your thoughtful posts!
Journeyman

[BC]

Well we are both smokers so no problems or solutions needed.

About the cringing.. have not experienced or heard of many UW/RW that would admit her 'new' home is better than her 'old' home. Thus my remark.  The 'white night' beware..

It does happen, but usually well after adjustment and a couple trips back to her 'old' home.

Just don't set your expectations too high on this point, might save you a dissapointment down the road..

[Journeyman]

BC,

Yes, we agree.  Also, perhaps like you, I have been down this road before also.  I have a wealth of experience that I have not yet shared during my short time on this board.  Many years, many FSU visits, and several relationships with R/UW.  I am rarely surprised by anything now.  Disappointment is always possible, but surprises are rare for me now.  I have a very healthy balance of scepticism and optimism.  I have hopes, but no expectations of the kind you might imagine of someone with no such experience.

I appreciate your concern, and would also say the same to any other WM who is not yet experienced with RW.  

Journeyman    

[KenC]

Just a comment or two about smoking.  I have found that even if a girl says she doesn't smoke or drink, they usually do so, but in very limited amounts.  Some how, in a Russian's mind "smoking" and "drinking" mean chain smoking and being a drunk.  If smoking is a big deal to you (even smoking only occasionally), you had better ask your "non-smoking" RW if she means that she "never" smokes.

KenC

[Journeyman]

Ken,

Yes, that has been my experience also.  Usually, from what I have seen, occasional smoking or drinking in social settings is not considered as rising to the level of being "a smoker" or "a drinker."

If you read back a number of posts, I noted that my girlfriend had disclosed and defined her smoking for me very early on -- shortly after we met.  She didn't hide anything.  But, generally, yes, you are quite correct.

I have had a number of experiences where, for example, a RW will enter "Non-smoker" on her profile at an agency, but will still indulge from time to time.  Indeed, there is a different standard, which also applies to drinking.  And the two tend to go hand-in-hand, just like in America.  Even enjoying several shots of vodka at a cafe doesn't make someone a drinker over there. :?

Journeyman