Time for some Humor!!

[Eduard]

женщина за рулем – богиня!
пассажиры молятся,
пешеходы крестятся!

[ML]

женщина за рулем – богиня!
пассажиры молятся,
пешеходы крестятся!

Eduard, since you are fluent in both Russian and English, why don't you give us the English versions of your humor so that the  majority here can laugh also?

Yes, I know it has been claimed that Russian humor doesn't always translate well into English, but I think you can do it.

[Eduard]

Eduard, since you are fluent in both Russian and English, why don't you give us the English versions of your humor so that the  majority here can laugh also?

Yes, I know it has been claimed that Russian humor doesn't always translate well into English, but I think you can do it.

doesn't have the same ring in English...
a woman behing the wheel is a Goddess!
Her passangers are praying, pedestrians are crossing themselves. 

[Kokopelli]

An astronaut reports:
- I cannot stand it any longer, I want a woman!
The center is in panic and after a while a solution has been found. With
the next cargo ship the astronaut receives a tube with the label:
"Liquid woman. Rub into dick until entirely satisfied."

A drunk goes home at night and shouts:
- Folks!
Some windows open and folks asks him:
- Whaddyawan'?
- Don't look at me for a sec, I'll take a leak

Vovochka - a boy 6-7-8 years old, behaves like an adult   

The teacher is angry with Vovochka using dirty words. She asks the girls of
the class to get out of the classroom when he says something again.
Vovochka rushes in the room and exclaims:
- Hey, chicks, great news: a whorehouse is being built nearby!
All girls are getting up and leaving the classroom.
- Don't rush so hard, it's not yet opened!

Inspector came to Vovochka's class and sat with him on the first row.
The young female teacher writes a problem on the chalkboard: 
"2x2=", accidently drops the chalk and rushes to pick it up.
- So, kids? Vovochka?
- What an ass!!!
- Get out and return with your parents!!!
Vovochka, leaving the classroom, to the inspector:
- And you, if you don't know, don't hint!

Poruchik Rzhevski is an army officer in the beginning of XIX century

Poruchik goes to see his girlfriend Natasha Rostova. The family is having
dinner and they've agreed that the first one who utters a word goes to wash
the dishes. Poruchik eats and talks, no other one says anything.
He gets angry, and does to Natasha what he was going to do at their wedding night. Silence.
Then he does to her sister what he was going to do in a month after the
wedding.
Then he does to the old lady what wasn't going to do at all.
Then he remembers that his carriage squeaks and asks for some vaseline.
The old lord stands up and not saying a word goes to the kitchen.

Spring. Beautiful lake. Gorgeous lady and an army officer Poruchik
Rzhevski. A pair of gracious swans are floating on the surface. Natasha
(the lady):
- Poruchik, could you love someone like these beautiful swans do?
- What? With bare ass in the ice cold water?

[Gator]

Did someone say Columbia prostitutes?
 
 I understand the NY Post Headline was "Secret Serviced."   
 
Also, upon learning about how this started when one agent stiffed a hooker out of $47, a congressman suggested that the agent not be fired but used to teach other Federal employees how to pay Federal debts and get our budghet balanced.
 
 

[calmissile]

Chuckle for today.

[calmissile]

Another one

[newjason]

There was a substitute teacher who came into her first day of a 3rd grade class. She greeted the class of students and they greeted her in return.  She said today we will learn about

syllables

Jenny, can you give me an example of the word that has  3  syllables?
And then I would like you to use that word in a sentance.

Jenny said: sure.   Beautiful.  Beau - ti  -  ful      Our new teacher is very beautiful.

Excellent Jenny.

The teacher then asked Jimmy if would please give an example of a 3 syllable word?

Jimmy said:   Urinate.    Ur -  in - ate.

The teacher looked a little shocked but said, yes ok, that is a 3 syllable word.  Could you please use it in a sentance?

Jimmy said:   Ur   in   ate , but you'd be a 10 if you had bigger boobs!

[Eduard]

Medicare Sex> > An elderly couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.> > The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" > > The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" > > The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.> > When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."> > He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.> > The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.> > This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,  has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.> > Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"> > The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's  married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go tomy house.> The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here  for $50, and then get $43 back from Medicare."

[Eduard]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. (Woody Allen) 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the thing... 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

[Eduard]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!' Broken coffee Table $239..99Hot breakfast $4.20Two aspirins $.38Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

[Anotherkiwi]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!' Broken coffee Table $239..99Hot breakfast $4.20Two aspirins $.38Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

An oldie, but a goody!  Still priceless after all these years. 

[calmissile]

Real Man

[OlgaH]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=VpS3vs4DMk0

[tfcrew]

A guy is about to walk into a restaurant, but a security guard standing by the entrance stops him and points to a sign posted above the door, which stated that everyone was required to wear a tie.  The guy says, "You've got to be kidding me."  The security said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't let you in without a tie."  The guy turns around and walks back to his car, obviously frustrated.  As he's walking back to his car, he gets an idea.  He goes to his trunk, opens it up, and pulls out a pair of jumper cables.  He hangs them around his neck, ties them into a little knot, and starts walking back towards the restaurant.  The security guard stops him, takes a long look at his makeshift tie, and says, "Okay, I can let you in, but you better not start anything.            

[calmissile]

ECONOMICS EXPLAINED

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States  leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

 

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the journalist who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive

 

A BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

With the milk, you make good beer.

You use the surplus for making chocolate.

[SANDRO43]

How COWardly of you .

[ghost of moon goddess]

COWabunga !!!   

How COWARDly of you ....

 
Just a glimpse into history

He was the type that took Coward's way out of difficult situations  ;
when faced tough questions he always gave honest answers, since he could not come out as Coward,  for some reason or other 
Sir Noel Coward 

[Gator]

I should have known that you would know about Noel Coward.  You are indeed a classy lady with a yearning for British culture.  Hope you make it to the Royal Ascot races this year.

[Gator]

One evening at the local pub a contest was held for who made the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"   That won John the top prize.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast."

Mary responded,  "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said,  "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[calmissile]

The Haircut
 
 A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his mother as
 to when they could discuss his use of the car.
 
 His mother said she'd make a deal with her son, "You bring your grades up
 from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
 Then we'll talk about the car."
 
 The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
 and they agreed on it.
 
 After about six weeks his mother said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
 and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
 disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
 
 The boy said, "You know, Mom I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed
 in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had
 long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus
 had long hair."
 
 (You're going to love Mom's reply!)
 
 "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[Faux Pas]

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.
 
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
 

[calmissile]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'


God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help,  and how I can make a woman truly happy.


God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Anotherkiwi]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'


God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help,  and how I can make a woman truly happy.


God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Doug,
 
This has been posted here numerous times (I'm guilty of it myself) - for example,
 

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, 'OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.'

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'

The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish.'

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing"... know how to make them truly happy. .'

The genie said, 'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'

My version was also with a genie, but without the multiple marriages and divorces! 

[Belvis]

RUSSIAN  ANECDOTES ABOUT PORUCHIK RZHEVSKY

Poruchik (lieutenant) Rzhevsky is hussar officer, martinet, a straightforward and immensely rude type obsessed with sex. Natasha Rostova is aristocratic sophisticated girl with romantic feelings. Both persons are 19th century characters from popular russian movies.
DISCLAIMER: I will not censor Rzhevsky's speech as it would be inappropriate for his image.
_______________________________________________

Poruchik Rzhevsky is putting his riding boots on and is about to leave of a charming courtesan he had met the previous evening. "Mon cher poruchik," intones the siren, "aren't you forgetting about the money?" Rzhevsky turns to her and says proudly: "Mademoiselle, hussars don't take money!" 
[The latter expression  has become a Russian catchphrase].
_______________________________________________

Natasha: Poruchik, is it truth that you campaigns for a threesome sex?
Rzhevsky (sadly):  Alas, mademoiselle. Whores have raised the price so I can't afford it alone.
________________________________________________

Rzhevsky: Ah, Natasha! Yesterday I have saved a women from a brutal rape.
Natasha: Oh, so charming! Come on, poruchik, tell us the story.
Rzhevsky: I have persuaded her to yield.
________________________________________________

Rzhevsky: Sir, you're a cheat!! I challenge you to a duel! You may pick out the weapon, sword or pistol.
Cheat: O.K., I'll take a sword.
Rzhevsky: Fine, you're dead. Because I choose a pistol.
________________________________________________

- Poruchik, you're a miserable coward and dirty scam! I challenge you to a duel!
- Well, I do not accept it.
- Why not?
- Because I'm a coward and scam.
________________________________________________

- Poruchik, what did you like the most in the circus show?
- Young acrobat girl, Sir.
- For goodness' sake! She did not perform there.
- That's why she did not perform, colonel.
________________________________________________

Poruchik Rzhevsky has met his superior officer in a restaurant.
- Poruchik, you're here again. Unfortunately I have no money to visit it more often.
- For goodness' sake, colonel! How did you spend your salary?
- I hand all money over to my wife. She is wonderful woman, keeps house and grants me some allowance.
Rzhevsky feels sympathy with his boss and decided to help him:
- Colonel, you likely don't know how to behave with women. Just approach quietly to her from behind, hug her tenderly, kiss her gently in the neck. I don't think she will deny money to you after that.
Colonel follows the advice this evening. He comes quietly to his wife from behind, hug and kiss her in the neck. Wife takes a deep breath:
- What, poruchik? Are you again short of money?
________________________________________________

High-society party. A 10 y.o.  boy, count's son,  is hindering in the way of guests so that everybody has got tired of him soon. However nobody dares to scold the child for his bad behaviour. Then Rzhevsky approaches him, talks and leads away in another room. The boy has not showed up among guests since. Admiring Natasha asks:
- Poruchik, you're a genuine educator! I couldn't imagine! What did you tell him?
- Oh, almost nothing. I have taught him onanism.
________________________________________________

Kniaz Andrei  asks Rzhevsky:
- Tell me, poruchik, how did you come to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret they fall in love with you so quickly?
- It's quite simple, mon Prince. I just come over and say: 'Madame, would you like to fuck?'
- But poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!
- Oui, 9 of them slap, but 10th will fuck.
________________________________________________

Natasha  has her first aristocratic ball and dances with Rzhevsky. She cautiously reprimands him:
- Poruchik, I'm afraid your boots are  soiled in mud!
- No, mademoiselle, it's not mud, it's a shit. Don't worry, it'll fall off once it dries up.
_________________________________________________

Natasha  is dancing with Rzhevsky.
- Natasha, do you wanna fuck?
- Poruchik, you are boor and shameless man!!
- Are you against my idea?
- Nope. But you're boor and shameless man nevertheless.
_________________________________________________

Hussars are invited to Natasha's birthday party. Hussars respect the noble family very much, so they made agreement between themselves of no any single obscene word there. A company including Rzhevsky sits quietly at a large dinner table while Natasha is arranging candlesticks around. She is thinking out loud: "Well,  one candle is left. Where should I stick it?" Instantly the colonel has struck the table with his fist: "Poruchik Rzhevsky, shut up!!!"
_________________________________________________

Natasha sells off  property to cover her debts. A buyer examines antique furniture:
- Perhaps I'll take this table.
- Oh, I'm sorry the table is not for the sale. It is a sweet memory how furiously poruchik Rzhevsky loves me on this table.
- In that case I would buy that cupboard.
- I'm terribly sorry  I can't give it up. It reminds me how passionately poruchik Rzhevsky loves me in this cupboard.
- Umm, I hope the chandelier can be sold, doesn't it?
- Please, understand me... Poruchik Rzhevsky was so-o-o-o creative person.