Time for some Humor!!

[newjason]

[calmissile]

Irrefutable proof: that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your life.  

[calmissile]

Hazardous Materials Warnng!

[calmissile]

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that
are going on in the US -- this comes along...Black hurricanes....

 Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet
something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would
be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the
names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

   She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture
such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT
making this up!

   She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language'
that street people can understand because one of the problems that
happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the
seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of
the weather report.

   I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow
at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.

   I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...
 Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like
Leroy on a rocket!Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins,
grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office
fo yo FREE shit.

[calmissile]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an big orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Yes A lot Of Black Pepper On The Tissue....

[tfcrew]

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was
 going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
 the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George
 opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
 people in the shed stealing things.
 
 He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
 He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
 Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
 your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"  George said, "Okay."
 He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
 
 Then he phoned the police again.
 "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
 stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
 now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them
 right now." and he hung up.
 
 Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
 Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
 residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
 
 One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
 
 George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[calmissile]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
Orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time..

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
Choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
You might be my kid."

[SANDRO43]

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if You might be my kid."

[Eduard]

Irrefutable proof: that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your life.

LOL, good one, Doug!

[Eduard]

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
You might be my kid."

LOL, this has got to become a classic!!!! 

[Eduard]

Жизненные цели:НАСТОЯЩАЯ ЖЕНЩИНА должна спилить дерево, разрушить дом и вырастить дочь. Вредные привычки:Не курю, но грызу ручки... )) Злоупотребляю многоточиями и смайликами....)))))
There is a Russian saying that a real man to complete his life must plant a tree, build a house and raise a son.So this woman put a different spin on it from a woman's perspective: The real woman to complete her life must take down a tree, destroy a house and raise a daughter.

[Gator]

Scene: Athens airport arrivals
A customs official questions an arriving  passenger: 
 
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting[font=].[/font]" 

[calmissile]

Men

[tfcrew]

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
 
 As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
 
 "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
 
 "Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
 
 "Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
 
 This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
 
 What can I do for you?"
 
 The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone." 

[Hammer2722]

<blockquote>An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell?

Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.

And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

What! God exclaims: You’ve got an engineer?

That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.

Not a chance, Satan replies: I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!

God insists: Send him back or I’ll sue!

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer? </blockquote>

[Eduard]

this is a very funny Easter poem!



про российскую действительность
Под вечер, еле ковыляя,  Таща в руках мешки с едой,  С работы тетка молодая  Брела по улице домой.  «Картошка, лук… -она шептала,  Сосиски, майонез, кефир,  Треска, конфеты, булка, сало…  Да вроде все взяла… А сыр?!  Да нет, и сыр купила тоже…»  С трудом давался каждый шаг.  Все перечислила и все же,  Не успокоится никак.  И вот в подъезд она заходит..  Маньяк навстречу ей шагнул!  Глазами жертву он находит  И плащ эффектно распахнул! А под плащом нагое тело  ей демонстрирует свое!  На тело тетка поглядела  И вдруг сказала:«Ё-моё…»  Устало сумки опустила  И продолжает говорить:  «Вот дура старая - забыла…  - ЗАБЫЛА ЯЙЦА Я КУПИТЬ!!!  Мораль сей сказки такова:  Готовьтесь к Пасхе, Господа!!

[2tallbill]

[tfcrew]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[newjason]

Finding A Russian Bride

[Kokopelli]

[Lily]

инглиш граммар
Одна из главных бед наших в английском - это неправильное употребление времен английских глаголов. Привожу здесь очень даже полезное пособие. После двух прочтений насмерть запоминается.

Система английских времен с точки зрения употребления глагола “to vodka”

1. Во-первых, необходимо уяснить, что в этом языке существуют глаголы:
1.1. неопределенные (Indefinite), т.е. неизвестно, пьешь ты или нет,
1.2. длительные (Continuous), т.е. ты давно и продолжаешь,
1.3. завершенные (Perfect), т.е. ты либо вышел из запоя, либо уже окончательно напился и вырубился.

2. Во-вторых, существует объективное:
2.1. настоящее (Present) - ваше отношение к спиртному,
2.2. прошлое (Past) - темное или светлое,
2.3. будущее (Future) – то, что нам светит: цирроз, белая горячка и т.д.

3. Теперь все смешиваем.

3.1. Present:
3.1.1. Present Indefinite (настоящее неопределенное), см. выше.
I vodka every day. - Я пью водку каждый день. Вместо
every day можно употреблять выражения: usually, seldom, often,
from time to time, from melkaya posuda, bolshimi glotkami…
3.1.2. Present Continuous (настоящее длительное):
I am vodking now. – Я пью водку сейчас.
Для эмфатического усиления с этим временем можно употреблять
наречия:
He is constantly vodking! – Он постоянно поддатый!
3.1.3. Present Perfect (настоящее завершенное):
I have already vodked. - Я уже нажрамшись. (В ответ на
предложение выпить)
3.1.4. Present Perfect Continuous (настоящее завершенно-продолженное):
I have been vodking since childhood.
- Я пью водку с детства (тип inclusive).
- Я пил водку с детства, но уже не пью (тип exclusive).

3.2. Past :
3.2.1. Past Indefinite (прошедшее неопределенное):
I vodked yesterday. - Я напился вчера.
(не путать со временем 3.1.3., там ты напился только что).
3.2.2. Past Continuous (прошедшее длительное):
Часто употребляется, как придаточное предложение к главному во
времени 3.2.1
- Unfortunately, I was vodking at the moment my wife came.
- К несчастью, я пил водку в тот момент, когда пришла жена.
3.2.3. Past Perfect (прошедшее завершенное):
Также употребляется, как придаточное.
- I had already vodked when my wife came.
- Я уже упился, когда вошла жена.
3.2.4. Past Perfect Continuous (прошедшее звершенно-продолженное):
- I had been vodking for about a month when my wife came.
- Я пил водку уже около месяца, когда вошла моя жена.

3.3. Future :
3.3.1. Future Indefinite (будущее неопределенное):
I will vodka tomorrow. - Я буду пить водку завтра.
Примечание: В придаточных предложениях времени и условия
(т.е. при отсутствии подходящего времени и условий) вместо
времени 3.3.1. употребляется время 3.1.1.:
- If I vodka tomorrow I will be sick the day after tomorrow.
- Если я выпью завтра, я буду болеть послезавтра.
3.3.2. Future Continuous (будущее длительное):
I will be vodking tomorrow at 5. - Я буду заниматься
употреблением горячительных напитков завтра в 5.
Примечание: При горячем желании опохмелиться вместо
времени 3.3.1. можно употреблять время 3.3.2. :
- Soon! Soon I will be vodking!
- Скоро! Скоро я буду пить водку!
3.3.3. Future Perfect (будущее завершенное):
Употребляется при планировании состояния опьянения
- To morrow by 5 o’clock I will have vodked.
- Завтра к пяти я буду нажрамшись.
3.3.4. Future Perfect Continuous (будущее завершенно-длительное):
- By to morrow morning I will have been vodking for a week.
- К завтрашнему утру я буду пить водку неделю.

[tfcrew]

Unfortunately, I was vodking at the moment my wife came [in].
 

Should we go there?

[ML]

Young daughter to mother:  When we go to heaven, do we go feet first?
Mother: No I don't think so; why to you ask?
Daughter: I was walking by the maid's room and I heard her say "Oh Lord, I am coming."  Luckily Daddy was on top of her trying to hold her back.

[calmissile]

Photo of an entrepreneur

[tfcrew]

The present administration is asking for a 'little more time'.
How about 25 to life?