Time for some Humor!!

[alex330]

[tfcrew]

Animals Can Be Jerks

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

My exwife slightly less organized as a $3 DVD bin at Walmart

Her goal was to lose 10 pounds this year, only has 15 to go

It's hard to explain double entendres to kleptomaniacs
because they take things, literally.

Kids are so spoiled today with all those different flavors for Cheerios
When I was a kid Cheerios had one flavor and it was paper.

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[Noch1]

Short and Profound

These three statements tell you a lot about our culture:

1.
We are advised by the Liberals to NOT judge ALLMuslims by the actions of a few lunatics,but
we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.

And another statement for consideration--

2.
We constantly hear about how CPP (Canada Pension Plan) is going to run out
of money.. How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second
Didn't.

Finally

3.
Provincial Social Services (welfare payments) is proud to be distributing this
year the greatest amount of free money ever .
Meanwhile, the Parks Branch,
asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
The stated reason for this policy is
because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to
take care of themselves."


That ends Today's Lesson On Irony

[Noch1]

LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

Late in the night, Jerry finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!‎

[Noch1]

Old Wise Tail
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

Reviews we could use

[2tallbill]

Splenda Daddy, is a guy who wants to be a sugar daddy,
but doesn't have the financial means to pull it off


I don't have bad hand writing, I just have my own font

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

Ok, fantasy bucket list fulfilled

[2tallbill]

[jone]

I was reading today, from an Art Expert, who uses light technology to reveal what is underneath paintings, that there is a painting underneath the Mona Lisa of another woman.  (True.)

I am reminded of the Greek historian who spent 50 years of his life proving that the Iliad was not written by Homer, but by another Greek with the same name.

[2tallbill]

I am reminded of the Greek historian who spent 50 years of his life proving that the Iliad was not written by Homer, but by another Greek with the same name.

I think he might have been at this forum some time ago arguing that
FSUW like older men 

[ML]

They do like older men; men who are older than their sons.

[Noch1]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.


He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date...

[Noch1]

[Noch1]