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Poll

Who should come first: Spouse or Offspring?

I am male.  Where there are unresolvable conflicts between the desires of spouse and offspring of any age (not concerned with needs or anything that is threatening in any way to either party), I think the majority of the time the spouse should come first.
I am male.  Where there are unresolvable conflicts between the desires of spouse vs offspring of any age (not  needs or anything that is threatening in any way to either party), I think the majority of the time the offspring should come first.
I am female.  Where there are unresolvable conflicts between the desires of spouse vs offspring of any age (not needs or anything that is threatening in any way to either party), I think the majority of the time the spouse should come first.
I am female.  Where there are unresolvable conflicts between the desires of spouse vs offspring of any age (not needs or anything that is threatening in any way to either party), I think the majority of the time the offspring should come first.

Author Topic: Poll. Who should come first: Spouse or Offspring?  (Read 2569 times)

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Offline Mars

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Poll. Who should come first: Spouse or Offspring?
« on: October 31, 2009, 05:15:02 PM »
My poll question is: Where unresolvable conflicting desires are present, who should come first, spouse or offspring.  This is somewhat different than the question in my other post (although related).

Now some qualifiers: The decision of who comes first in no way endangers the health, well being, personal development, education, future, etc., of the child.  No threats at all to the child.  Nothing to do with needs of child or spouse, only the wants of the child and spouse.  And children of all ages are covered.

No abandoning of a child in favor of a man or woman, or not doing everything possible to raise and care for a child properly.  Simply the  ordering of relationships when conflicts arise.

And not choosing one over the other 100% of the time; just the vast majority of the time.

This poll does not focus exclusively on traits of FSU women.  It covers all men and women.

Below are some viewpoint from the earlier thread that cover both what should be the relationship and what has been observed relationships.  I tried to catch all opinions that gave a more definite answer.  Sorry if I missed any.

Special Note: My wording in the actual poll must have been too long as a last sentence cut off.  It said: "Perhaps I would like to hedge my answer and bring up many conditions and what ifs, but since I cannot do so for the actual vote, I tend to lean toward this opinion."

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Viewpoint 1

As some background for my thoughts on this, many years back an older female relative of mine got remarried after her husband died.  There were many conflicts between new husband and her existing minor children.  She counseled with her minister and he advised her that she must always put the husband first in her life.

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When our marriage started to break down, we went for counseling with a great clinical psychologist.  "Family order" was one of the main topics of discussion.  My ex and I were both screwed up but in different ways.  According to this psychologist the correct order of priorities were "Yourself first, your spouse second and your children third."  Believe me when I say I have spent years thinking about this and I have to agree.

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Actually just the other way round; children grow up and go; husbands stay.

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Putting a husband first, as the minister stated must be done, is a Biblical concept.   It applies equally to men putting their wives first.

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What would most RW's say to being second or third on the man list?
GREAT question!  Color her gone!

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My take is that mine doesn't do this. If her son calls and needs something done, it is considered as to reasonableness and how it fits everyone's schedule before she agrees to do it or asks me to do it for him.

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I think your spouse is your partner in life and needs to come first.  There was a comment that husbands come and go but children are forever.   I see lots of families that are lucky if they spend one holiday a year with their children and for the most part they are gone and others where there are just totally gone.  I don't buy that at all.  You chose to make your mate  your partner in your life and that is the important consideration.  

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When a wife/husband moves her/his spouse to the background in favor of their child it teaches the child not only that his needs come before everyone else’s - selfishness, but it also depreciates the role of the "moved" spouse in the child's eyes.

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FWIW, I can assure the reader Mrs I/O has a very different perspective. She makes love (and ignores the lad knocking on the door or hollers at him to go back to bed) with me for a lot more reasons than "pleasing me".

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In reality, the marriage is the basis of the family and children are (highly honoured and much loved) somewhat temporary guests within that unity.

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To answer the OP's question, the spouse comes first.  The relationship between the man and women is the foundation.  Work at keeping it strong, and the children will have the best life possible.

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Children don’t ruin marriage, unless their parents give them the power to do so. Spouses ruin marriage — way before they become spouses — by believing that children belong at its center.

So, don’t get married until you have enough maturity and conviction to treat your spouse as the most important person in the world — above and beyond your children — and receive the same treatment in return.

= = = = = =

Viewpoint 2

Experience has shown that no matter how much she loves you, she will always love her own children more. This remains true no matter how old the children are.

As devoted as Nina was to me she would drop everything at any time to run to her daughter's side when the phone rang.

On more than one occasion that phone call came when Nina and I were, shall we say, involved. Guess who ended up in an empty bed when Nina ran off to be with her daughter?

It's one of the reasons the relationship ultimately failed.  

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Rarely have I known an FSU woman to place anyone - even themselves - above their children.

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Husbands come and go, children stay.

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I would say, any NORMAL mother will put her children first (she may not even realise that until something happens). It is as natural as to breath. If you loose a spouse....it is difficult, but you will survive. If you loose a child....I don’t know.  If she will have to choose between you and the kids - a normal woman will choose the kids.

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So my sons come first and J. knows that.

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Yes. My children come first.

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I think a man would be foolish to think he would ever come before his step child.  At least while that step child is young.  

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I agree to her about "children grow and go" but before my son grows and goes I put him first anyway.  Him, his brother and the rest of the family.

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I have not got kids yet , but I think children come first,  but you need to think of what will be better for them.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2009, 07:07:29 PM by Mars »
Mars man looking for Venus woman.

 

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