Update. Not Good.

[HoundDaddyLee]

Oh great i share my knowledge and you guys come up with a load of what exactly? Do you lot know anything about depression? I known people with severe depression come off meds. People do find some happiness at the end, i was fortunate enough to know someone that actively helped a large number of people with mental health problems. So i know it is possible, not always, but it is POSSIBLE. Just so you know, possible doesn't mean certainty, just before you throw cases at me. I won't date people with mental health problems though, not for me, too much for a guy like me to handle.

LD knew prior to marrying his wife, she just didn't change from a normal person to someone that suffers PPD. He made the choice, so instead of bitching to us about how severe her PPD is. He should focus on ensuring his wallet is big enough for when his wife gets her settlement, because she deserves everything she gets. Bringing someone like that to your home country makes you liable to pay if things go south. Poor girl, she came to you and left her life back home, and now you guys expect her to leave empty handed? You lot really expect her to go home quietly? LD is lucky she dropped the false physical violence charges. She is alone, vulnerable in a new country, worried about her financial security for the future, whilst dealing with her mental health problems.

I have a bit of sympathy for LD, but he shouldn't have married someone with mental health problems.

DK,


You are incorrect. Let me tell you about my ex-wife. We knew each other for a year before dating (worked at the same company). We dated for a year, and got married. So we saw each other daily, but did not live together before marriage. Everything is wonderful until about the 8 month point.


One Saturday morning I have a bowl of cereal. I wash the bowl in the sink, but do not put it in the dishwasher. I go to the bathroom. Return to the kitchen to put the bowl in said dishwasher. I get the bowl upside my head, repeatably (Corning unbreakable bowl). From that point on, until I woke up on the couch one night with her standing over me with a knife, I lived in fear. All 5' 2" of her. I had no idea about her temper/mental issues. Tried to get her help, she refused. My point to you is, people can hide behavior issues for extended periods. You can bet I look for behavior ques when meeting and getting to know a woman. But if she is a good actress (as most psychotics are by the way) you, me, Bee Farmer, any of us will not see it until the horror is unleashed.


You need much more seasoning young man, before you can start telling people how the world is. In my 20's I didn't know sh*t. Only time and experience lets you understand that.


My 2 cents,
HDL

[Gator]

So be a man about it.  Select a handful of American psychiatrists/counselors you think are ok, and make her choose one. 

Bee Farmer, you wrote "...make her choose one."  You will have better luck with women when you realize you can not make them do anything.  I realize your suggestion was for LD's wife to work with an American psychiatrist temporarily for comparison with her Ukrainian doctor.  However, the way you phrased it could be one of the reasons a loving relationship has eluded you. 

No need to respond, but you may want to file it away. 

[jone]

It is impossible to know what to say or how to support Lone Drake in this situation.  We can all shake our heads and give advice.  But we only have a single side of the situation (although credible) and certainly, having lived through separation and contention, I can tell you that it is impossible to know what is happening from the outside. 

I tend to agree with Father Time that you need to get past this as best you can, and as speedily as you can, and we will celebrate with you your life after this marriage, once you are past it.

Steve, you are a good guy, and it grieves me to hear your story and to know that you are hurting.  (Well, you are as good as a person can be coming from Minnesota.)  Ultimately, there is not much any of us can say here except to relay our own experiences and commiserate with you. 

There are brighter days ahead.

[GregfromGa]

Bee Farmer, you wrote "...make her choose one."  You will have better luck with women when you realize you can not make them do anything.  I realize your suggestion was for LD's wife to work with an American psychiatrist temporarily for comparison with her Ukrainian doctor.  However, the way you phrased it could be one of the reasons a loving relationship has eluded you. 

No need to respond, but you may want to file it away.

"Make her choose one" LOL, I almost spit the rest of my kids melted snow cone he didn't eat all over my screen. Try making a woman from The FSU do anything she doesn't want. I may never leave this forum. The entertainment and comedic value of such a  post is worth staying logged in 24/7.

[TigerPaws]

PTSD is treatable.

dragonkid. Maybe, sometimes people learn to live with PTSD but someone is never cured. I was fortunate when I came home from Vietnam, I had a Korean combat veteran for a Father and a Grandfather who went from Normandy beach to Berlin. I had always had someone to talk to, to drink with and I could cry without being looked down upon.

22 months of intense, nasty and bloody combat was hard on a 18 year old and it took a number of years to learn to put the demons safely in a locked box. Know this they do get out from time to time, they come at you in the dead of night, sounds, images, tastes and even pain rushes back.

With a lot of help I learned to live with what I saw, did and ordered others to do over a 30 year career.

Cured? There is no such thing when it comes to the mental trauma the horrors of War imprint on someone. The best anyone can do is to learn to live with it.

[GregfromGa]

dragonkid. Maybe, sometimes people learn to live with PTSD but someone is never cured. I was fortunate when I came home from Vietnam, I had a Korean combat veteran for a Father and a Grandfather who went from Normandy beach to Berlin. I had always had someone to talk to, to drink with and I could cry without being looked down upon.

22 months of intense, nasty and bloody combat was hard on a 18 year old and it took a number of years to learn to put the demons safely in a locked box. Know this they do get out from time to time, they come at you in the dead of night, sounds, images, tastes and even pain rushes back.

With a lot of help I learned to live with what I saw, did and ordered others to do over a 30 year career.

Cured? There is no such thing when it comes to the mental trauma the horrors of War imprint on someone. The best anyone can do is to learn to live with it.

First of all "Thank you" for your service and the service of your family. Normandy to Berlin. Gotta love" Band of Brothers"

[Anotherkiwi]

Oh great i share my knowledge and you guys come up with a load of what exactly? Do you lot know anything about depression?

Yes, we do, which is why we replied.  Those of us who are considerably older than you have almost certainly experienced it first-hand, either suffering ourselves or seeing family members or friends struck down.  Clinical depression can strike anyone, anytime.

I known people with severe depression come off meds.

However they may have felt, they WEREN'T cured.  It's like an alcoholic - it doesn't matter how long they go without a drink, they're still an alcoholic.

People do find some happiness at the end, i was fortunate enough to know someone that actively helped a large number of people with mental health problems. So i know it is possible, not always, but it is POSSIBLE. Just so you know, possible doesn't mean certainty, just before you throw cases at me.

I honestly don't think it is possible to be cured.  Treated, yes.  Treated to such an extent that the demons stay hidden for 99.9% of the time? Yes, in some cases.  For everybody?  Not a hope in hell.

I won't date people with mental health problems though, not for me, too much for a guy like me to handle.

You're not necessarily going to know whether or not they have mental health problems - certainly not on a first date (I hope)!  Look at lonedrake's and HoundDaddyLee's responses in this thread - it was months after their weddings before anything surfaced, and they had known these women for a lot longer than just one week.

As for "a guy like me" - severe mental illness is usually too much for EVERYONE to handle in a relationship.

[dragonkid]

Yes, we do, which is why we replied.  Those of us who are considerably older than you have almost certainly experienced it first-hand, either suffering ourselves or seeing family members or friends struck down.  Clinical depression can strike anyone, anytime.

What max implied was that anyone that suffered from PTSD or depression is a lost cause. "there is no fixing crazy". what people define as cure differs, i should use the word treatable, which max doesn't believe is possible, but i know people that recovered after a while. Anyways you been following me around too much, got to add you on ignore YOur posts towards me are filled with so much anger, not sure why you are mad bro

[Muzh]

Billy,

It is my assessment, and all my family and friends,that she is mentally ill. She is saying the first five months were like a honeymoon. Then she got bacterial vaginosis. No matter what anyone said, she was convinced I was cheating on her. Like everyday with many women. I was constantly defending myself against cheating charges. Anyone who knows me and tried to explain that is not how I am and anything about bacterial vaginosis, got put on the "they are in on it list".

 Then it evolved to my mother is evil because she killed my father and stepfather. Mind you I was at my dads bedside when he passed away with cancer. My stepfather had a heart attack. She also accusesd my brother of killing his son when he died in a tragic accident. Then she started claiming my mother was going to kill her. That soon turned into my sister also wanted to kill her so my sister could get my money, because of course that's all my sister cares about. All completely false.

Then it got to the only reason I brought her here was so I could kill her. She has convinced others that all of this is true.

She would not agree to therapy in the US. She would dig through my phone and call clients accusing them of cheating with me. Telemarketers were actually my girlfriends. Spam emails were evidence I was cheating or being sued or whatever.

No matter what faults I have or mistakes I made.....I could not continue on like this.

The sad thing is I still love her and know how wonderful she is when her mind is operating correctly.

Where the hell did you find this jewel?

[TigerPaws]

I agree the is no "Cure" for PTSD take it from someone who knows the true horrors of War. But you can learn to live with it, you can learn to put the demons into a locked box even though they do get out from time to time. You do learn what your triggers are and how to avoid them. Most of the time.

I watched 13 hours which is an excellent representation of combat and I highly recommend it. I knew I was going to pay a price for watching it and I did. My wife held me for several nights as I relived similar situations where I lost friends, men under my command and destroyed both the enemy and the innocent.

Life is not fair but we must all deal with it.

 

[Anotherkiwi]

Anyways you been following me around too much, got to add you on ignore

Yay!    Fame at last! 

YOur posts towards me are filled with so much anger, not sure why you are mad bro

Me?  Angry?  You won't see this if you've put me on ignore, so maybe someone else can do me a favour and quote it!  I'm not angry - I just despair that such a @$%^& as you STILL thinks he knows so much more about every subject under the sun than those of us who've experienced stuff at first hand, sometimes (such as TigerPaws) for many years.  Why can't you accept that, just sometimes, your point of view might be wrong?

[Shadow]

Me?  Angry?  You won't see this if you've put me on ignore, so maybe someone else can do me a favour and quote it!  I'm not angry - I just despair that such a @$%^& as you STILL thinks he knows so much more about every subject under the sun than those of us who've experienced stuff at first hand, sometimes (such as TigerPaws) for many years.  Why can't you accept that, just sometimes, your point of view might be wrong?

Because inorder to find a wif you must be Mr Right, Always Right.

[Bee Farmer]

Then she got bacterial vaginosis. No matter what anyone said, she was convinced I was cheating on her.

BV can be sexually transmitted.

A woman is twice as likely to get BV if her make partner is uncircumsized.  If an uncircumsized guy has poor hygiene, he can give a girl BV.

Any chance LD is uncircumsized...and the lady told the doc LD was uncircumsized?  The doc tried explaining that BV can be sexually transmitted, and that she may have caught it from LD's uncircumsized willy?

It's easy to see how a lady with limited English could misunderstand what the doc said, and believe the doc told her that she got BV because LD gave it to her.  And since it can be sexually transmitted, in her mind that meant he was cheating on her.

And once she feels her trust is violated....it was all downhill from there.

But all guys have perfect hygiene on their willy, and there are never misunderstandings with foreign relationships.  /sarcasm

The proper remedy is improved communication and rebuilding trust.

Bee Farmer, you wrote "...make her choose one."  You will have better luck with women when you realize you can not make them do anything.  I realize your suggestion was for LD's wife to work with an American psychiatrist temporarily for comparison with her Ukrainian doctor.  However, the way you phrased it could be one of the reasons a loving relationship has eluded you.

Gator, there is an old saying.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  (What you can do, is make it thirsty.)
The secret to making women do something is to convince them they want to do it.  It's even easier if you convince them that it was their idea.
And sometimes, you just have to stay strong like a rock.  Never underestimate the influence of the silent strength of a man.  Just be a rock.

Believing that you can't make women do anything is perhaps the reason you're divorced.  You weren't willing to put forth the necessary effort, because you didn't have faith that it was possible.

[Muzh]

...and shuffled on the church floor...

[lonedrake]

I can understand the frustration on the legal system. My original hearing on the OFP was just a continuance since My lawyer could not be there. I knew that before showing up. It was rescheduled to May 5th. On May 5th the judge did not have enough time, so it was rescheduled to May 10th.
  I had denied the allegations and requested an evidentiary hearing. In the meantime we did try to cut a deal. My final offer was 2,500 per month on a temporary basis until her education was completed( 5 months), or completion of the divorce.
  Her counteroffer was she would get the house and 12,000. I didn't even respond to it.
 So we went to "trial". The end result was the OFP was hereby dismissed and vacated.

 Good news for me indeed.

[fathertime]

I can understand the frustration on the legal system. My original hearing on the OFP was just a continuance since My lawyer could not be there. I knew that before showing up. It was rescheduled to May 5th. On May 5th the judge did not have enough time, so it was rescheduled to May 10th.
  I had denied the allegations and requested an evidentiary hearing. In the meantime we did try to cut a deal. My final offer was 2,500 per month on a temporary basis until her education was completed( 5 months), or completion of the divorce.
  Her counteroffer was she would get the house and 12,000. I didn't even respond to it.
 So we went to "trial". The end result was the OFP was hereby dismissed and vacated.

 Good news for me indeed.

So if I read you right, she was untruthful regarding the need for protection, and the court agreed with you.   What about how the monthly payments and the house? I don't recall all your details, but my impression is this was a very short relationship, and her going for your house is a sign that she wants to be paid out big time. 


Fathertime!   

[lonedrake]

The first divorce hearing is set for May 25th. If she won the OFP, I am sure they would have dragged it out for over a year. 3,000 a month plus I would be responsible for all bills,insurance ect.

 From what I saw at the trial and heard from my lawyer, my wife and her lawyer have a strained relationship. I suspect it will be time for lawyer number two for her. 

[jone]

OFP??   Order for Protection?

[BillyB]

her going for your house is a sign that she wants to be paid out big time. 
 

That depends on how much equity is in the house. Also how is she going to make the monthly mortgage payments unless the house is already paid for?

So we went to "trial".

What do your attorney think is fair based off your state's laws? If your state allows jury trials, get one. With a trial by judge, you let one person make all the decisions when a jury will tend to be fair by following the state's guidelines pertain to divorce based off your short marriage.

You will have to hire an appraiser for your house and your wife will probably hire one that you'll have to pay for along with her attorney fees. If a judge feels your wife is entitled to 20% of the value of the house based off length of marriage and her appraiser values the house twice that of market value, then when you sell the house at fair market value, you will be giving her 40% of the fair market value instead of 20% as the judge ordered. The appraisers are key witnesses.

From what I saw at the trial and heard from my lawyer, my wife and her lawyer have a strained relationship. I suspect it will be time for lawyer number two for her. 

Hopefully she doesn't go through too many lawyers that is going to cost you big bucks. Her attorney will soon ask the judge have his/her attorney bill paid for by you.

[Boethius]

lonedrake, it appears to me that she is getting advice, probably on an FSUW forum, on how to maximize her profit from the marriage.  That is what the domestic abuse charge was about.


Typically, when a client does not get along with a lawyer, it is because the client does not wish to listen to the lawyer's advice. 

[Gator]

 Good news for me indeed.

Yes, you are winning.  However, your legal bills are mounting.  In my divorce from a RW after one year of marriage, I paid more to my attorney than to my wife. 

In the meantime we did try to cut a deal. My final offer was 2,500 per month on a temporary basis until her education was completed( 5 months), or completion of the divorce.

Reasonable, considering the duration of your marriage was very short.   Through my wife, I know of three RW divorced from a short marriage who essentially received nothing. 

Her refusal to accept your offer perhaps explains her strained relationship with her attorney.

Her counteroffer was she would get the house and 12,000. I didn't even respond to it.

 

Her counteroffer to get the house may not be about money but more about the psychological security of having a place to live in this strange land.  I say this based on discussions with friends of my wife involved in short-term, failed marriages.   

[Gator]

lonedrake, it appears to me that she is getting advice, probably on an FSUW forum, on how to maximize her profit from the marriage.  That is what the domestic abuse charge was about.

There's lot of free advice available from other RW.  Advice is usually worth what you pay for it. 

The advice may not be coming from a forum but from the local network of RW.  There are RW everywhere.  I have seen the local RW give a  RW in these situations  temporary housing (a room)  plus help with modest gifts of money.  One asked me to help write responses to the USCIS.  I examined the questions and said she needed an immigration attorney.  A RW attorney took her case for a minimal fee. 

[Faux Pas]

Believing that you can't make women do anything is perhaps the reason you're divorced.  You weren't willing to put forth the necessary effort, because you didn't have faith that it was possible.

Perhaps being unable to convince a woman of anything may be the reason you have never married? 

[BillyB]

lonedrake, it appears to me that she is getting advice, probably on an FSUW forum, on how to maximize her profit from the marriage.  That is what the domestic abuse charge was about.

It's possible she went there due to Lonedrake getting an attorney. Like a cat in a corner, she's going to use every means to get out of the corner. Too bad they both couldn't sit down and discuss things and divorce amicably even if they had to hire two attorneys to help them do so.

It's okay for her to get outside help even from people on a forum but out of all the advice that is thrown at her, she chooses the advice to take everything she can. Says a lot about her. Nobody in their right mind can ask for the whole house on a short marriage.

Her refusal to accept your offer perhaps explains her strained relationship with her attorney.
 

I think her strained relationship with her attorney is due to her wanting it ALL. Even attorneys have a conscience. Also it would look silly for the attorney to ask for all in court, especially for a short marriage but if that is what the client wants, that's what they will get and unfortunately, Lonedrake will have to pay big in a court battle.

[Trenchcoat]

I concur, didn't Lonedrake say he left her in the house from what I recall of this thread? Haven't got time to look through it all again but that seems crazy if right. I mean it was his house before the marriage (and a short marriage at that) and she comes along wanting to kick him out off his own house overnight (I know he theoretically chose to leave), I think the cheek of it, she must think Lonedrake look so weak as to be easily taken for it all. I mean for sure put her up somewhere cheap (rental/B&B/cheap/Hotel) to be humane but after first initial payment down to her to source her continuing accommodation. Otherwise he is just making it so easy, a pleasure even for her to take him for a ride, all at lonedrake's misery which is just not on.