Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

I got kicked out of the community pool again.
Apparently the breast stroke isn't what it sounds like.

[2tallbill]

My Sister was married to a worthless and lazy man.
I tried to get him a job at the plant but the only work
experience listed on his resume was his court ordered
community service.

I think his real skill is testing new electronic gadgets to
see if they are idiot proof. My sister has apparently been
having headaches so he has been taking a tablet to bed
with him. It already has all the porn on it he might need.

He tried to join the paranoids anonymous meeting but they
wouldn't tell him where to go. My sister eventually left him
and I saw him just the other day. His new girl friend told
him that a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving
relationship. He still wishes she didn't have one though.

[ML]

I got kicked out of the community pool again.
Apparently the breast stroke isn't what it sounds like.

I was not only  kicked out, I was arrested for peeing in the pool.

I said: "Everyone pees in the pool."

Officer:  "Yes, but they are in the pool."

[2tallbill]

Apparently analogy is NOT the study of buttholes.

[2tallbill]

I just sold a mower on craigslist.
I'll bet my neighbor thinks twice
before mowing his yard at 6:00am
on a Saturday again.

[2tallbill]

[ML]

CONFESSION

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend he agrees. After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister.

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says . . .

"You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."

[ML]

When will Russians realize the joke is on them when they stick with Putin?

Probably not for several years when they are again on their knees.

- - - - - - - - -

Ovation for Hitler in the Reichstag after announcing the successful Anschluss, 1938. The Anschluss (German for “union”) was the annexation of Austria into Nazi Germany in March 1938. One of the Nazi’s ideologies was to re-unite all Germans either born or living outside of the Reich in order to create an “all-German Reich.”  From the early beginning of his leadership in the Nazi Party, Hitler had publicly stated in his 1924 autobiography (Mein Kampf) that he would create a union between his birth country and Germany, by any means possible.

[tfcrew]

 

[ML]

Where is he, in one cup of bra ?

[SANDRO43]

Where is he, in one cup of bra ?

Lurking in the background .

[tfcrew]

The problem with being so....transfixed

[KenInUtah]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

" What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[2tallbill]

I couldn't find something in the liquor store so a lady behind the
counter came out and helped me find it. I call her my spirit guide 

You know you are hungover when you need to brush your teeth
with your sunglasses on.

I stepped on a corn flake,
so now I'm a cereal killer

[2tallbill]

[ML]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"

[tfcrew]

   
  Women love a man who is brimming with confidence, because without that what's left  to destroy?

[tfcrew]

The Pastor entered his donkey  in a race and
 it won.   The Pastor was so pleased with  the donkey
 that he entered it in the race  again and it won again.   The local paper  read:
 
 PASTOR'S ASS OUT  FRONT.   The Bishop was so upset with  this kind of
 publicity that he ordered the  Pastor not to enter    the donkey in another  race.
 The next day the local  paper headline read:
 
 BISHOP  SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
 This was too much for the  Bishop so he
 ordered the Pastor to get
 rid of the  donkey.   The Pastor decided to give it  to a Nun in a
 nearby convent.   The local paper, hearing of  the news, posted
 the following headline the next  day:
 
 NUN HAS BEST ASS IN  TOWN.   The Bishop  fainted.   He informed the Nun that she  would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a  farm for $10.   The next day the paper  read:
 
 NUN SELLS ASS FOR  $10
 This was too much for the  Bishop so he
 ordered the Nun to buy back
 the donkey and lead  it to the plains where   it could run  wild.   The next day the headlines  read:
 
 NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS  WILD AND FREE.
 
 The Bishop was buried the  next day.

[2tallbill]

[tfcrew]

At 7:29.....what a match that is

[tfcrew]

    This guy got really drunk the other night and took his
girlfriend home to meet the folks.
When his wife found out about it she got really pissed.

One morning, Harry wakes up and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He calls  up his bookie and puts $333, 000, his life savings, on it to win.
 It comes in third.


 That lady I'm married to..
  has so accused me of being impersonal.


If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear it.. is he still wrong?
 

[ML]

Donald and Hillary were walking together and came upon a homeless man.

Donald took out his business card and gave it to the man telling him to come by the office to apply for a job.  He also reached into his pocket, took out $20, and gave it to the man.

Hillary was impressed.  Later, they came upon another homeless man.

Hillary gave him directions to the welfare office.  Then she reached into Donald's pocket, took out $20, handed the man $5 and kept $15 for administrative fees.

[ML]

Vegetation humor

[ML]

Different objective.

[2tallbill]

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly
across the street from a house of prostitution.

They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both
shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and
then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief,
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis?
I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of
the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the
house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked
in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself,
"One of the poor girls musta died....