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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473475 times)

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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #50 on: June 01, 2007, 03:21:32 PM »
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of sh!t.

However, we do *not* run that risk when drinking wine (or vodka,rum,whiskey, beer
or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
 Remember:

Water = Sh!t
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh!t.
 
PS, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and nobody hears him is he still a bad dog???
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #51 on: June 06, 2007, 03:52:43 PM »
My exwife had a job parking cars for only one day.

 
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #52 on: June 06, 2007, 04:03:17 PM »
Dear Abby,
I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby sitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.

Sincerely,
Tough Love Grandma

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Vaughn

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #53 on: June 07, 2007, 08:50:09 PM »
As told by Buddy Hackett on the Tonight Show years ago:

  Johnny, in the fifties I got drafted. Just before I had to report
the Rabbi came by for a quick visit. "Buddy, I'll warn you now
about Fort Dix - they serve loads of pork in the mess hall and
I want you to avoid it." It wasn't long before Buddy was trying
out the hot dogs, the chops, the loin. "I loved all of it,
Johnny, I was eating pork three times a day. And when I got my orders
for Europe, I returned to NYC and treated myself to a grand dinner at
Luchow's, the famous German restaurant. I wanted all of it in
one sitting - pig's feet, chops, loin, ribs - so I ordered the roast
suckling pig. After 30 minutes, here it comes: laid out beautifully
on a large silver platter, with an apple in its mouth - when, into
the dining room walks the Rabbi.

With a disapproving glare he asks, "Buddy, what are you doing?
I thought I warned you about the perils of eating pork!"

Hackett explained, "Rabbi, I ordered the Baked Apple! - wouldja
just look at all the trouble they went to?"
« Last Edit: June 07, 2007, 08:51:42 PM by Vaughn »

Offline Vaughn

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #54 on: June 07, 2007, 09:12:26 PM »
Groucho Marx was interviewing a tall blonde woman with a German
accent on his You Bet Your Life show. Her name was Helga.

"So, tell me, Helga, are you married?"

"Oh yes, Groucho, very happily!"

"Do you and your husband have any children?"

"Oh yes, we have ten."

"TEN? Why so many?"

"I love my husband!"

"I love my cigar, lady, but I take it out every once in a while!"

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #55 on: June 10, 2007, 05:03:46 PM »
Stress management
 
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
 
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
 
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
 
4. No one knows your secret place.
 
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
 
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
 
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #56 on: June 10, 2007, 05:28:12 PM »
Slinky
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #57 on: June 10, 2007, 10:12:00 PM »
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
A Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f**k her again."
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Offline aikorob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #58 on: June 11, 2007, 09:28:11 AM »
TFF Bill!

I've been dealing with engineering types all morning    :exploding:---now I am dreaming of that stream!
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #59 on: June 13, 2007, 05:38:14 PM »
This kid is amazing.  He seems to have written his own material.

If you love Bush and can take a joke, you'll love this.  If you hate Bush, you'll love this.  If you love Bush but can't take a joke....don't even think about opening this.


http://www.jibjab.com/view/125614

If you have never neen to Jibjab before, be prepared to spend some time there.


Offline Phil dAmore

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #60 on: June 14, 2007, 12:01:16 AM »
TFF Gator.  I haven't seen a dead-on impression like that since Joe Piscopo did Frank Sinatra.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #61 on: June 15, 2007, 11:16:25 AM »
JOKES FROM THE SOVIET UNION: (RIP)

1.IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN A FROG........................Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918


.2.American style of risk: Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France: Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style: Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway

3. Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?

4. Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

5. Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in ****, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

6. A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.

7. "Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"

8. A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."

9. What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

10. When was the first Russian election held?
-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."

11.Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

12. Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

13. Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

14. Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

15. Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.

16. A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....
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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #62 on: June 15, 2007, 02:31:04 PM »
Gator posted this survey and I copied it and pasted it here.

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.

* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.

* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Turkey

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #63 on: June 16, 2007, 05:46:25 AM »
Rvrwind, here's another one.

Gorbachev reportedly tells this story:

"This guy," he says, "was standing in line for 10 hours to buy vodka, and finally decided to go to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev. The next day, the guy was back in the vodka line: 'It didn't work,' he tells the others. 'The line to the Kremlin is even longer.'"

Offline Turkey

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #64 on: June 16, 2007, 05:51:09 AM »
More jokes from :  http://www.cla.wayne.edu/polisci/kdk/stuff/jokes.htm

:"These jokes were collected in the winter and spring of 1991 by students of at the Vysoka škola strojni a elektroteknicka (VŠSE) v Plzni, now the University of West Bohemia, Plzeň, Czech Republic.  Any errors of translation or interpretation are my own."

There are a bunch of them.

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #65 on: June 17, 2007, 01:54:06 AM »
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told
me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all
of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
dolls."

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Sohkay

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #66 on: June 17, 2007, 04:54:30 AM »
True story...The last time I went to see my dentist, I said to him, "You must really like George Bush."

He said, "Why's that?"

I responded, "Because...finally there's someone less popular than a dentist."


Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #67 on: June 17, 2007, 07:52:30 AM »
Turkey,

The Czech jokes about socialism are  hilarious. Although some are old, many are new to me.

Offline Phil dAmore

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #68 on: June 17, 2007, 11:33:23 PM »
All right men... let's take another quiz.

Guy Test


Note: Although this is a test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.
Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men, and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for family business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the paper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may… How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his " still useable " underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill

Offline Turkey

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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #70 on: June 22, 2007, 10:09:33 AM »
 Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
 that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The I-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Bill
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline ScottinCrimea

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #71 on: June 22, 2007, 01:44:15 PM »
Bill, does it come with optional woofers?  Now I'm waiting for the next big announcement of the new "boom box"   :ROFL:

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #72 on: June 22, 2007, 04:47:35 PM »
Scott, witty.  Is it still referred to as "box"?  I think I heard that term first from my father when I was a boy. 

Offline jb

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #73 on: June 24, 2007, 09:20:17 AM »
One of my senior surveyors was breaking in a new Rodman/Helper on a job some years ago.  He was a little amazed that the company had assigned a woman new hire to the job but thought if she was a good worker he could deal with it.   After surveying in a point he needed to drive a stake into the ground to mark the spot precisely, at which time he realised he didn't have the hammer with him.  He signaled the new helper with the usual hand signals; he pointed to his eye, then pointed to his knee, and finally made a hammering motion with his hand... The translation of this is "I kneed the hammer"... After a few seconds of thought the new lady helper replied by pointing to her eye, then very seductively massaged her breast for a moment and the grabbed herself in the crotch.  The surveyor was totally mystified by this and decided he'd have to walk the quarter mile back the line to find out what that was all about.  Upon reaching her he asked what the hell she was doing,,, she explained it this way...  I was trying to tell you that "I left-tit in the box".

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #74 on: June 25, 2007, 11:46:18 AM »
Is this true?  Is it current?  My apology if it is old.

Gates vs. GM
>
>
>At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
>computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
>
>"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
>all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
>
>
>In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>stating:
>
>If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
>with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
>
>1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
>Twice a day.
>
>2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
>new car.
>
>3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
>have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
>the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
>some reason you would simply accept this.
>
>4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
>car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
>reinstall the engine.
>
>5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
>five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
>percent of the roads.
>
>6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
>replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
>light.
>
>7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
>8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock yo u out and
>refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
>turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
>9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
>to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
>same manner as the old car.
>
>10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

 

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