Who is in charge...

[Brambleberry Fairy]

Who is in charge of what in the family?

Might sound like an easy question, but I'd like to hear your honest thoughts. (And under "your" I mean American mid age guys.)  After being married for many years now, I thought I had it figured out.  But maybe not... Also, I am talking about big significant events. Should guy be able to do whatever he wants? Should gal? Do u even want to be involved in any kind of planing?

Ask yourselves honestly. What do you envision a marriage x-number of years later to be like?

[Steamer]

Who is in charge of what in the family?

In very broad terms things outside of the house and the garage are mine and things inside the house are hers. There's a certain amount of crossover and we seem to use veto power over each other but I've learned not to start an argument about something unless it's VERY important to me.

[BillyB]

After being married for many years now, I thought I had it figured out. 

What took you so long? I had it all figured out before marriage ever since I was 6 years old!

Who is in charge of what in the family?

I talked about this with my wife before marriage. I asked the ladies I dated what their beliefs are before telling mine. For my wife and I, husband is head of household and is primary income maker. I take care of fixing the home, car and taking care of everything outside and wife does all the indoor chores, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and dishes. If my wife someday goes to work and her chores and work load adds up to more than mine, I will help with her chores.


My wife is 22 1/2 years younger than I. She expects me to have more life experience and be a man she can learn from. My wife is a sweet and nice person but if her husband were her age, I don't think she would be able to tolerate youthful inexperience and poor decision making and the marriage would be rocky if not over.

I've learned not to start an argument about something unless it's VERY important to me.

This is good advice. Every man and woman should evaluate the level of importance of an issue to them and their partner when disputing it. If a $200 pair of dream shoes is a 9 on a level of importance to the wife and a 7 on a level of importance to me because I don't like the price, then I will voice my opinion but give in to her wishes. I told my wife we don't have an endless amount of money to spend so if she spends money in one place, we'll have less money to buy other needs or luxuries.


A lot of couples get in trouble when one or both tend to make every issue a level 10 importance and won't back down, then escalate an argument until they get their way.

[CDW]

Who is in charge of what in the family?

I am in charge at everything - 100% everything.... cos I live alone 

Anyway, it depends on who is in charge.  If you are the breadwinner, you should be in charge of money management, but of course you consult with your 'wife'.   

Important things always come first, and distinguish the difference between "need" and "want"  (I learnt it from a fashion lesson).    It means for example, if you do not have a raincoat, then the item will be a "need" item.   If you already have a raincoat, but want to buy an expensive brand name "Lacoste", for example, then the item will be a "want".      Sadly, many people, especially gold diggers are always buying "want" items rather than "need" items

Usually, the women are in charge of the kitchen, unless, of course, you are the chef.   The women is usually in charge of interior design/decorator unless you are the interior designer/decorator.

[BillyB]

Hey Brambleberry Fairy! I forgot to tell you. Welcome to the forum!

[Turboguy]

Heck that is an easy question.


I am totally in charge of earning money and she is totally in charge of spending it. 


Well, actually she brings in a fair income as well for working part time.


I believe there is a Russian saying something like "The man is the head of the house.  The woman is the neck who controls the head."  That's not quite it but the idea is the same.


I would say most things in our marriage are 50-50.  She tells me what to do and I do it.  That is 50-50

[calmissile]

    

[Faux Pas]

I am in charge of everything.......that she allows me 

[GQBlues]

Who is in charge of what in the family?...

Both of us are *in charge'.

Domestic chores are in equal measure. No designation of duties. If and when it needs cleaning, either one does it when they can. My wife took a day off last Friday to 'relax' from her busy tax period madness. Woke up, relaxed a bit, then proceeded to clean the house and did the laundry. I do my share whenever I can.

Finance. Both our money goes in the same pots...investments, savings, contributions, checking, etc...My money her money. Her money my money. I do the bill payments and she does our taxes, balancing our 'books', donations, etc...

...Might sound like an easy question, but I'd like to hear your honest thoughts. (And under "your" I mean American mid age guys.) After being married for many years now, I thought I had it figured out.  But maybe not... Also, I am talking about big significant events. Should guy be able to do whatever he wants? Should gal?

Can you be more specific?

...Do u even want to be involved in any kind of planing?...

Did you mean 'planning'? If so, of course. Wifey and I have many plans both in short and long term. Her status today was the result of our *collective planning* couple with her perseverance and determination.

Ask yourselves honestly. What do you envision a marriage x-number of years later to be like?

Mine's approaching 10. Financially much better now than it was the first 2 years. Now is a great time for us to have kids since she's now fully established as a person, an individual, a professional with a very promising future.

Life is what you make of it. Marriage is no different.

[Turboguy]

Finance. Both our money goes in the same pots...investments, savings, contributions, checking, etc...My money her money. Her money my money. I do the bill payments and she does our taxes, balancing our 'books', donations, etc...

Most marriages are about the same when it comes to money no matter where the wife was born.

Before the marriage, it is his money.  During the marriage it is our money.  After the marriage it is her money   

[JayH]

I am totally in charge of earning money and she is totally in charge of spending it. 

 

Works well that system--exactly how it worked with ex!!!

[Brambleberry Fairy]

Thx all!
Turbo guy, Faux Pas and GQBlues - LOL
I kind of understand your position on chores though.

I guess most marriages go through changes. At first like BillyB said I trusted his experience, then I got some "experience" of my own and every decision was well discussed. But lately there isn't much communication between our plans and things we do. I see this in families around us too, husbands and wifes have different interests, they spend weekends apart, buy expensive toys without agreement or plan vacation without involving the other spouse. Is it ok, or would it lead to distraction?

[BillyB]

lately there isn't much communication between our plans and things we do.

I don't know what your husband is thinking but obviously you have concerns about what is going on in your marriage. Your husband should recognize these concerns, address them and solve them so that you're comfortable with the direction your marriage is going. Is there something that you think you've done or didn't do that changed him and/or pushed him away from you? Have you talked to your husband about what you're bringing up to us? If so, what is his response?

I see this in families around us too, husbands and wifes have different interests, they spend weekends apart, buy expensive toys without agreement or plan vacation without involving the other spouse. Is it ok, or would it lead to distraction?

I don't think it's okay. Unless you're filthy rich, major purchases should be discussed with the spouse and vacations or weekends apart is wrong. I have no problem with my wife having a girls night out with friends but I would have a problem if she planned vacations and sleepovers at other peoples houses without me.


There is a problem in your marriage simply because you're worried about the direction it's going. It may seem as if the marriage is drifting apart instead of getting stronger. Talk to your husband to see if he's willing to adjust his behavior to make sure you're happy and comfortable. You're not being unreasonable if you ask your husband to talk to you before buying something expensive, come home every night and go on vacations as a couple. After all, he's not single anymore, he's married.

[GregfromGa]

The thing is Brambleberry, you can certainly get all the answers to all your marriage problems here because some of the posters here seem to have the solution to all the bumps in the road as far as marriage is concerned.

[Gator]

Brambleberry Fairy

 

You mentioned, "I am talking about big significant events."  So I assume you are not talking about what foods to buy when shopping.   

"Big" events need to be resolved jointly.   They usually involve a tradeoff that needs to be negotiated. 
Conflicts are inevitable.  A loving, functional couple resolves these conflicts with a win-win solution.  There are no hard guidelines other than to respect each other.  Everyone is different, so what works for one couple may not work for another.   

Personally I would not be happy if my wife were unhappy.  And if I were happy, she would make me feel unhappy provided that I cared about her feelings.  As the saying goes, "when mama is unhappy, everyone is unhappy."

Many "big" decisions boil down to money.  For example, let us assume you have a daughter who is getting married.  An important decision is how big should the wedding be.  Weddings are expensive, yet the daughter is loved and this will be the most important  event of her life.  Both of you need to decide how much to spend knowing the money could come from savings needed for retirement, buying a house, etc., i. e. a tradeoff.

Other "big" decisions are not so much about money but about time conflicts.  Should he commit you to attending his company's business conference where other wives will be present, yet you prefer to use your limited vacation time elsewhere?  Should he go on a golf trip he really enjoys when you want him to attend a local charity event on the same weekend?  Should he have the rotating poker game at your house where the men get loud and keep you up at night?  Should you invite your Russian mama and papa and sister to spend a month at your house?  Should you work at a job that pays relatively little yet gives you joy?

Are these examples applicable to your deliberation?