The Bumbling Fool !!

[Vaughn]

OK - even on my first visit, I considered myself a seasoned traveler. Overseas flights were nothing new to me, but I submit that an FSU visit presents new opportunities for the experienced globetrotter to enrage (or entertain) even the most stone-faced Russian or Ukrainian citizen.
 
We just arrived by train from Moscow, and
I had 90 minutes alone at my rented flat while Elvira ran home to fetch supplies, and I ventured out to do some quick shopping. On the way back, I saw one of those colorful ice-cream vaults inside a small store, with the sliding glass doors on top, and decided to purchase a half-dozen or so Fudgsicles and what-not. I slid the door to the left and began to make my selections, when a booming voice thundered, "N-N-NYYYET !!!!" and I wheeled around to catch the vision of a raging babushka-type heading toward me full-steam with her arms flailing in the air. Like an evening deer frozen in the headlights, I stood there motionless as a flush of adrenaline and incomprehensible guilt overcame my formerly cool demeanor. Man, she was Pissed! She literally snatched the booty from my clutches, and tossed them back into the vault - and I instantly understood that this was NOT a self-service touch-the-merchandise society. The place is full of potential thieves, and I am just another likely bandit. "Izvinite, Excuse Me," I begged. "Now!" she barked, "What can I help you with?" I pointed gingerly at the ice cream I'd selected before. Then, as she understood I really WAS going to buy SIX bars, she revealed a toothy grin as I forked over the rubles. Lesson One: Point, don't touch, at least until the item is properly presented to you for inspection. You will notice even low-value items such as pencils mechandised like jewelry, fan-patterned in a glass display case, at least in some towns.

My second visit was 6 months later, in the middle of February, 2002. My wife's apartment building is situated behind a small store called the Nadezhda, where a marshrutnoe taxi (like a shuttle bus) makes regular stops.
The store's front lot was caked with thick ice and fresh snow - all week long I noticed several cars trying to spin their way free from the frosty caverns of the Nadezhda. I was returning from another shopping jaunt, and hopped out of the marshrutnoe rather carelessly, and fell right on my ass in grand fashion, spilling bags of fruit and fish everywhere, and hearing gales of laughter and giggles from the other occupants of the bus. They scored me a 5.8, missing only a perfect Olympic "6" as I failed to plant my face in the nearby snowbank. I laughed myself, so hard I could barely regain my feet...

Am I the only visitor with some graceless stories, or are there a few other human beings out there?  

[anono]

yeah, but i'm keeping them to myself for the time being...

[KenC]

OK Vaughn,

On my first trip to Russia I suffered from unbearable heat in my rented flat.  It must have been 100 degrees in there.  I searched every where for a thermastat to reduce the temp.  None to be found.  Ah hah, I thought, maybe there is a valve on the old radiators that I could turn down.  Nope.  For four days I lived in this sauna!  Finally, my interpretor came to my flat and asked me, "Don't you think it is a little too warm in here?"  "Yes, of course it is but I cannot figure out how to turn the temperature down", I replied.  She the calmly walked over to the windows and opened a small window to allow the heat to escape.  Duh!  Needless to say, I felt like an idiot.

KenC

[anono]

doh! stupid brain!

[Turboguy]

I think the one I remember most.  was a trip to Perm about 8 years ago.  I had a very yound lady I was to meet there, and it was my first trip to Russia.   I could not get a ticket to Perm in the USA at that time.  I called her and told her I would be arriving on Tuesday.  She asked what time and the ladies at the russain travel agency had not given me a time of arrival.   I just added two hours to my departure time and told her around then.  Well I did not realize that it was as far as it was and I also did not realize there were two time zones between Mosow and Perm.

Anyway my young gal had to stand for about 4 hours out in the hot sun waiting for me but I got of the plane and there she was with her long blond hair cascading off her shoulder.   She was wearing a beautiful all white dress and white shoes and looked stunning.  Well we took the bus from the airport into Perm and since it was full we were sitting in the back over the engine.  Her shoes were evidently plastic because by the time we were half way into town, they had melted into puddles.

A little later we took a city bus down town.  I got on and bought a ticket for us and sat down in an empty seat (not over the engine)  A few minutes later a bubushka stood up came over to me started yelling and waving her arms.  She was the bus police and it was not enough just to buy the ticket I had to go to the little machine thingy on the side of the bus and have my ticket stamped.  She was there screaming at me in Russian and I had no idea what she was saying.   Someone else on the bus let me know that I was being fined abut 20 cents for not valadating my ticket and if I did not pay that I would be hauled of to jail.

THere are lots of mishaps.  On my janaury trip to N. Novgorod I managed to fall on the ice twice but no harm done.   I am sure I have done a million dumb things in my life. 

[Son of Clyde]

Yes, but did any of you lock yourselves INSIDE your apartment.

My first apartment in Kiev had a steel door and the most complicated lock I have ever encountered.

If the Mafia ever wants to off one of their competitors they only have to tie a Kiev apartment key around the person's ankle and toss them in the ocean. The keys are so heavy the person will sink like a stone.

[Vaughn]

Son of Clyde wrote:

Yes, but did any of you lock yourselves INSIDE your apartment.

I absolutely did, except it was in a hotel room. I had booked separate rooms at the Sovietsky for our one night in Moscow, and Elvira and I were dropping some luggage in my room - the door closed behind us, and WHAM - we were locked in! Now we knew each other, but only face-to-face for an hour or less, so it was was funny and awkward at the same time. I offered to check the window, and sure enough, with 14-foot ceilings, it was quite a drop from the third floor. Meanwhile, she's down on her knees in a nice dress, giggling & trying to pick the keyhole - the key is still in the lock, but outside in the hallway. I called the front desk, trying to show her I could take charge, and then of course, my crappy grammar betrayed me - I could hear the receptionist whispering to others nearby, something like, "Good Lord - the American is already in some sort of trouble, and he's just arrived!"
We found the situation hilarious, and it was the first time we were witness to one another's sense of humor. Eventually, some clerk "rescued" us. We were more concerned about Elvira's unattended bags in the hallway.

I agree with Son of Clyde about the sheer weight of FSU keys. Their doors, mortise locks, deadbolts and hinges all seem to be "detention-grade". The keys to my wife's flat weigh about a pound, and one is eight inches in length.