Getting Over The Hurdles - The First Year of Marriage

[catzenmouse]

At the suggestion of another member here I'd like to hear about the issues that have come up in the first year of marriage to a FSUW. I'll be adding the issues that we have come across as I get a chance.

 The biggest thing so far (in our young marriage) has been the language issues. Saying something that is perfectly understandable to me but was either misunderstood or understood in a way that caused a problem. 99% of these were easily cleared up with some talk but a couple took days to get over.

 Ken

[chuckinwdc]

Language has been a problem, even though Veronica knows how to speak English really well. She'll miss a word or two here and there, and that sometimes causes her to misunderstand the thrust of my comments.

An associated issue is cultural misunderstandings.

For us, the biggest issue has been the early months before she got a driver's license and a job. She often felt lonely and isolated, and sometimes became frustrated and depressed.

There was also the adjustment period in any new marriage (particularly one where before marriage it was a long-distance relationship). We had to learn how to live with one another, and learn to understand each other's needs and desires more easily.

It takes work on the part of both people, and lots and lots of patience on the part of the husband.

Chuck and Veronica

[catzenmouse]

Elena is in the midst of feeling lonely and shut out from the world. Missing her family and friends. Missing her city, the food, the language, and the HUGE difference in how everything is done here. We are working on learning to drive but when someone as an adult has never driven it is a looooong process! She's getting better but I see this taking months at least.

 Getting to know Chuck & Veronica and the others in the DC area is helping but I think that it will take a location change on our part to make a genuine difference. Richmond does have a Russian community but most that she has talked to don't like it here so it is not a positive for Elena. It's just too "Good 'Ol Boy" and stuck in the past to appreciate the gem that she is. I've lived her long enough that I didn't even notice it anymore but seeing it with her reminds me of the first couple of years that I lived here after I moved back from Canada.

Ken

 

[BC]

Keep it coming Ken. You're giving me flashbacks from over two years ago. Funny how we forget so quickly..

[jb]

Deja vu

[Todd]

While I don't have anything to offer, I'm finding this thread highly interesting as Kate will be here in a couple of months.

great idea!

Todd

[Maxx]

I was married to a Russian woman once. So  I know a thing or two.

1) Keep em busy. Some kind of work, English lessons a hobby perhaps a new pet?

2) I think jb suggested to have a good open balance on a credit card so that they can personalize the home.

3) Spend allot of time with them. As much as you can. Have that cell phone with you 24/7 when you have to be separated (work?) Take allot of trips but do it gradual. Too much at the begining can overwhelm them.

4) Try and get them to find favorite restaurants, TV shows etc. Something to help them develop a feeling of home which is more than just a house. I found the use of English subtitles turned on the TV greatly helped her comprehend the TV and movies.

5) Phonecards or service to call home when ever they want.

6) Get a car. A decent size car they can smash up. They usually do. Have it sitting in the garage waiting while she does her driver's lessons. Good idea is to have those done in Russia before she comes.

7) Introduce your family or friends slowly. Don't give her the feeling you are trying to show her off like a doll as one RW told me her ex-fiance did. RW are very sensitive to outsiders.

Don't be shocked or discouraged that after all that she says you do nothing for her.

Maxx

[Jet]

Don't be shocked or discouraged that after all that she says you do nothing for her.

Maxx

 

LOL! This is one of those adjustments the guy has to make, and it varies by woman, of course, but it can be a bit unsettling at first. My wife is very quick to say "thank you very much, it's wonderful" when I do the little extra things around the house that are unexpected (I.E. bring home a single red rose, just because it's Tuesday, etc...). But on the really big things, where I've had to move mountains to make something happen, or gone well above and beyond the usual AM call of duty.......zip - dead air. Her attitude is, You're supposed to do that, your my husband. What I've learned is that there are some things she feels "entitled to" and any work put into making those things a reality, she will not consider as "doing something for her".

[catzenmouse]

I expected and planned on Elena wanting to redo the decorations or paint or whatever in the house as it in many ways is a typical bachelor pad. Dartboard and pool table in one room with typical guy room decorations on the walls, swords, dragons, big cats around the house but every time I bring it up she says that I lived here a long time and she doesn't want to change anything. She told me (and others that have asked her about redecorating) that she found it very comforting and cozy when she cam here. I have pictures of her and Sergei all over the place, at least 3 or 4 in every room, so she said that she felt that she was already here when she arrived.

 She did agree that when we move into another house she will be putting her dva roublee into it. I fully expect to have a honey-do list that will keep me busy until the end of the century!

 I have tried to get her interested in doing side work in sewing as she is very talented and the stuff she has made is much better in quality than anything you can buy off the rack but she always tells me she is not professional and cannot charge someone because of that. We got her into ESL classes here but they are very basic classes given by a local church and she has already blown way ahead of the rest of the class. When the college offers the class again in fall we'll get her in there.

 Maxx mentioned about turning the closed captioning on during TV and movies and we have been doing that from the start which she likes as it is easier for her to read the words than to understand them sometimes. Same problem in public occasionally as native speakers will mumble and speak too quickly for her to catch what she has said. And one thing that really bugs her is that fact that almost no one can pronounce her name correctly. It is the soft sounds in Russian that are totally lacking in the English language.

Ken

[chuckinwdc]

Maxx Wrote:

> 1) Keep em busy. Some kind of work, English lessons a hobby perhaps a new pet?

Good idea.

2) I think jb suggested to have a good open balance on a credit card so that they can personalize the home.

Be prepared for the fact that they will have great difficulty understanding credit cards and debit cards, and the differences between them. The FSU is largely a cash-only economy, and the use of credit cards, debit cards, and checks are very difficult for the ladies to understand.

4) Try and get them to find favorite restaurants, TV shows etc. Something to help them develop a feeling of home which is more than just a house. I found the use of English subtitles turned on the TV greatly helped her comprehend the TV and movies.

My wife was not interested at all in Russian-language programming. She said she wanted to learn English better, and didn't want to waste her time with Russian TV shows. We did get the English subtitles set up, and still have them too after a year. I began to like having them too. Now I know what the singers are saying when I watch MTV. :-)

7) Introduce your family or friends slowly. Don't give her the feeling you are trying to show her off like a doll as one RW told me her ex-fiance did. RW are very sensitive to outsiders.

Veronica really hungered for more interactions early on. That may vary from lady to lady. Be watchful of who she is introduced to, though. There are some unhappy RW out there that will do more harm than good.

A corollary to that is that if a Russian woman says it's true, even if she's been in the country only a few months, it MUST be true. The ladies tend to give an awful lot of credence to what another Russian woman says.

Chuck in D.C.

[catzenmouse]

And the saga continues...

 One thing that really bothered Elena was when her grandmother fell and broke her hip. That was about 2 months ago and she really went into a funk for awhile over it. Partly because she lived with her grandmother and partly because it added more stress unto her mother. Mother was working 2 jobs already but now she had to go to the hospital twice a day to care and clean up after grandmother. The other daughter of grandmother visited once or twice and then disappeared from the responsibilities. Elena is quite pissed at her aunt who has not rented her flat (Elena's and grandmothers) to a friend and wants to sell it and all the contents so that she (aunt) can get a bigger flat.

 This situation has made Elena feel useless in the family and if we had our AOS and Advance Parole I would send her to visit for a time but without the AP we cannot take that chance.

 Grandmother got out of the hospital last week and is living with Elena's mother right now as she cannot walk or do much of anything for herself so it is grandmother, mother, daughter (Elena's sister) and her boyfriend all living in a two room flat right now. Add unto that the boyfriends father died yesterday and the stress level has got to be through the roof right now. I talked to Elena last evening about anything that we could do to help out but aside from sending them some cash we are really out of the loop.

 I did get a little boost for her yesterday when I brought home a new serger machine for her. Does some special stitching for seams and such. She gave me hell for spending the money but I told her it was an early birthday present and I did not do it because I felt I had to but because I wanted to do it for her.

 Back to pretending I am working...

Ken

[jb]

Ken,

There's no excuse for not having the Advance Parole after this much time.  You are entitled to go to the local BCIS office and have the AP issued on the spot in cases of real family emergency.  You will need documentation to back that up, but you could do it in a day if she really needs to attend to a sick relative.

Contrary to popular opinion, the BCIS is not completely heartless.

[catzenmouse]

Ken,

There's no excuse for not having the Advance Parole after this much time. You are entitled to go to the local BCIS office and have the AP issued on the spot in cases of real family emergency. You will need documentation to back that up, but you could do it in a day if she really needs to attend to a sick relative.

Contrary to popular opinion, the BCIS is not completely heartless.

 JB,

  Thanks for the info. They may not be heartless but they are certainly inept with the best of them. If we did go to them and get the AP I really can't be sure they won't screw it up for her on her return and not let her back in. We've already (on several occasions now) had to reacreate and resend to them documents that they have in thier possession. The last call I had with them the woman suggested I file a Freedom of Information Act request to get them to find their own files. I work in the heart of stupidity, red tape, and buracratic BS but these guys at USCIS make the Fed look like a well oiled machine.

Ken

[Maxx]

We've already (on several occasions now) had to reacreate and resend to them documents that they have in thier possession. The last call I had with them the woman suggested I file a Freedom of Information Act request to get them to find their own files. I work in the heart of stupidity, red tape, and buracratic BS but these guys at USCIS make the Fed look like a well oiled machine.

Ken

Every guy's fear when he sends off his fiancee's or wife's papers to the USCIS.

Maxx

 

 

[jb]

Ken,

I should have mentioned that I have personal[/b] experience in this arena.  We went to the local office and had both the EAD and AP issued on the same day after they have failed to do the job within the alloted 90 days.

Just be sure you have photocopies of every form you've ever filed along with the receipt showing they have it somewhere in the files. If you cover your own back doors, they are actually easy pray to the man who insists on service and won't back down from the first clerk who says "No" when you need them to do the job they've been paid to do.

These people are our public servants, not our masters.

[Muzh]

Ken:

You are just starting!!

Hmm, can you say punching-bag?  Get used to it for a while.  Misconceptions are very common, you'll have to be very patient.  Also, you'll have to be a lawyer, doctor, banker, political scientist, government official, engineer, and shell-answer man.

Get her to drive.  Once she knows how to drive, get her a cellphone and tell her to go for a ride.  When she gets lost trying to find her way back, ask her to call you.  If you think I'm joking, think again.  She needs to get acclimated to this country ASAP.  The sooner you let go of her hand, the happier both of you will be.

[catzenmouse]

Muzh,

 Not sure what you mean by punching bag. If you read my earlier post you will see that we are learning to drive and as far as holding her hand goes she does not need her hand held in anything she does. The most help I give is to explain how something works here or to help with the English confusion.

Ken

Ken:

You are just starting!!

Hmm, can you say punching-bag?  Get used to it for a while.  Misconceptions are very common, you'll have to be very patient.  Also, you'll have to be a lawyer, doctor, banker, political scientist, government official, engineer, and shell-answer man.

Get her to drive.  Once she knows how to drive, get her a cellphone and tell her to go for a ride.  When she gets lost trying to find her way back, ask her to call you.  If you think I'm joking, think again.  She needs to get acclimated to this country ASAP.  The sooner you let go of her hand, the happier both of you will be.

[jb]

OK,,,adios

[Jet]

Ken,

I should have mentioned that I have personal[/b] experience in this arena. We went to the local office and had both the EAD and AP issued on the same day after they have failed to do the job within the alloted 90 days.

 

All I can say is that they do things different in Texas than they do in Miami. Here, "an emergency" is DEATH, nothing short of an immediate family member's death certificate will do, period. A sister's boyfriend's father, is NOT immediate family. It took us 5 months, using every trick I learned from those who went before us, and a few I came up with on my own.

As for the EAD, it works like this: No walk-ins and no scheduling of an appointment until 90 days has past. Appointments were running 3 weeks out. Go to the appointment and show your copies of original submission, they glance over them and schedule you for another appointment a month after that. Lil's EAD took 160 days from sending off the forms/check to having a card in her hand.

Every office does things their own way, and none are answerable to anyone at the 800 number, nor can they be contacted by phone, so you never know what you're gonna get, might go smooth...might not.

[BC]

Ken,

Looking over your posts I get the feeling that you are doing quite well.  That you seem to try to see your world through her eyes says alot.

Linking happiness with location though is not good.. problems seem to travel right along with us.  At this point anywhere will not be as good as 'back home'.  

One thing I do during 'confuse' (arguments) is break off in the middle of the 'heat', give her a smoocher, restate that the cause of this 'confuse' was external to our relationship and get agreement before continuing the heated discourse. Whenever possible defining troubles external to the 'person to person' relationship seems to keep things in control.

Sort of like 'yeah darlink, we live in a real sh!thole town but it has nothing to do with how we feel for each other.. right?'

The real personal/relationship issues usually require much insight into yourself. Instead of pressing my point to a deadlock I'll say 'let me think about that'.. suggest a quick walk in the park or something to reflect.  The  adjustment period is not a one sided affair. In retrospect I have to say in many cases she was right even though the logic she used was.. well.. quite foreign.

As in many European countries (and I consider FSU European), the 'kitchen table' argument is a national passtime. Many here may find themselves playing with short hands.

One thing I do find refreshing is that my wife is quite a 'straight shooter' when problems arise and does not  disguise true concerns by finding something else to argue about.  This can be unnerving at first being so used to 'talk around' the problem.

Regarding contact with other FSU folks in the area, initially I tried to push such contacts but my wife did not want to meet other RU folks at first so I dropped the efforts. Seems my wife didn't relish playing the 'newbie' on the block role and waited until her feet were solidly planted before reaching outwards.

     

[Turboguy]

I have to say this is a most interesting series of posts.   Sometimes you think you just have a gal who is a little wacky but you love her anyway and want to just over look it and it is obvious here that many people are dealing with the exact same issues. 

The talking around thing is the one that drove me crazy the first time or two.   All of a sudden she decides I am rude but can't come up with a reason or that we like different things but can't say what and once she gets it off her chest I find out what is really bothering her is something connected with life in America or she wants some kind of assurances about me helping her deal with language issues.   She never really thought I was rude or that we did not have a lot in common. 

Now that I have learned a little more about the mysteries of her mind and moods I just let her go on and sooner or later she will bring up what is really bothering her.  Usually it is not till after I have said, oh that is ok darling, I want you to be happy so I will just notify the embassy to stop work on the visa.   Usually about a half hour later she will come out with what is really bothering her.   We then deal with it, find a way to solve it and go back to being happy.

[catzenmouse]

Ken,

Linking happiness with location though is not good.. problems seem to travel right along with us.  At this point anywhere will not be as good as 'back home'.  

BC,

 I am not looking at a location change to fix things. Just to give us both more opportunities to develop as individuals and to grow as a couple. We live about 20 minutes outside of the city and until Elena learns how to drive she is essentially stuck here. This means no access to schools, shopping, daycare, parks, etc. until I get home in the evening or on weekends. I'd like to get us to a place where she does not have to depend on me for this liberation and she can go and do what she wants when she wants. That's the main gist of wanting to relocate. We both like our home so it is not a panic situation and it is more of a if something good comes up and we agree that it will work for both of us then we will do it. If not I can stay at the Fed and we will just keep on keeping on.

 We're off to go fix my mom's broken toilet now. Ah the joys of home ownership! ;o)

Ken

[catzenmouse]

Today we had a long talk about friendship in America. Elena does not think she will ever have any real friends here. The few women she has tried to delveop a relationship with her started out with "call me" and "I'll call you" and have disappeared. Of the two American women, one was really only looking for someone to fill out her hollow life and the other was trying hard to get Elena into her Baptist church routine.

 Of the Russian women she has met here, compared to most she feels quite inadequite, they are all successful, speak English well, can drive, and are basically living the dream (in her eyes), or they tell her that "we all went through it  honey so just get over it".

 There are a couple of Russian women that she has met that she likes but does not feel okay with just calling to talk and build a relationship with. She thinks they are too busy or that she has nothing to offer in the friendship.

 I have been kind of pushing her to call and to see where it goes and to not expect anything so that she won't be disappointed as she has been with the local women here but today I didn't try to tell her that she will find friends. I just listened and let it go. I guess for now I'll just let it lie and see how it goes. Time will tell.

Ken

[chuckinwdc]

Today we had a long talk about friendship in America. Elena does not think she will ever have any real friends here. The few women she has tried to delveop a relationship with her started out with "call me" and "I'll call you" and have disappeared. [snip]

Of the Russian women she has met here, compared to most she feels quite inadequite, they are all successful, speak English well, can drive, and are basically living the dream (in her eyes), or they tell her that "we all went through it honey so just get over it".

There are a couple of Russian women that she has met that she likes but does not feel okay with just calling to talk and build a relationship with. She thinks they are too busy or that she has nothing to offer in the friendship.

I have been kind of pushing her to call and to see where it goes and to not expect anything so that she won't be disappointed as she has been with the local women here but today I didn't try to tell her that she will find friends. I just listened and let it go. I guess for now I'll just let it lie and see how it goes. Time will tell.

Ken, my suggestion is to keep trying. Do it gently and don't get too pushy, but don't give up.

If you know the husbands of these RW that she likes, maybe you can call or email them and ask that their wives call her. What I've done a couple of times is called up the husband and chatted with him for a few minutes, and then asked if his wife was there because my wife wanted to say hello. Then I gave her the telephone, and usually they end up chatting for an hour (I think it's hard for a RW to have a telephone conversation that lasts less than an hour).

I'll share with you one success we've had recently. I've been trying to get Veronica to agree to have people over our house for ages. There was always one reason or another why she didn't want to. Finally, she agreed (after much moaning and groaning on my part), and we had a small get-together of some Russian/American couples who live within a five-to-10 minute drive from us. The next day she told me she LOVED it! She said "talking with the girls" was like being home in Odessa.

And Ken, you should tell Elena not to feel badly because she can't drive yet. Of the five RW that were there, two of them didn't drive (and one's been in the States for four years). Two had jobs outside the home and one had her own home-based business, but two didn't have jobs yet. Yes, four of them spoke very good English, but one didn't. It was okay.

I'm sorry about the comment she got from one of the RW to "get over it." Keep in mind the RW that she's met that she likes and who have been supportive, and try to develop relationships with them on a couple-to-couple basis if possible.

Chuck in D.C.

[wxman]

Ken,

I know my fiancee and future wife will be going through the same thing when she arrives here this fall. I try hard, but find it almost impossible to even begin to know how she will feel or react when she gets here. I know it will be difficult for her just like it has been for your wife. So your experience is a big help to me as is the experience of everyone who has gone through this. Thanks for posting what you are experiencing.