Cold feet

[I/O]

And time is exactly what I don't have. 

It is this notion above all others that I have very serious concerns about. B/F, given that what you tell here is accurate, bluntly I would say, based on what I have read that your time clock is ticking louder than your radar is beeping.

I reckon in some ways, although I was only 27 (Or thereabouts) I fell for exactly that the first time around. I wasn't prepared to pull the pin and start all over again. Looking back, instead of spending another couple of years finding the right person, I in fact spent another 10 realising it was the wrong person.

Just a thought to consider. Better to be unmarried and wish you were married with children than to be married with children wishing you were unmarried. (To that person) Plainly speaking, although a guy's career is very important to him, when he puts that above the common (Supposedly) goals of the relationship, the relationship is ultimately going to fall by the wayside. Sure it is a tough balance for all of us and our life does usually revolve around our career/s but there is a bigger picture to consider. 

I have the utmost respect for education and the advantages it can bring, but it does not necessarily make a person a better person.  In fact, at times I have seen it do quite the opposite. I seriously question the character of the guy you describe in so far as I doubt his readiness for marriage, particularly an international marriage.

I/O

[Turboguy]

To me, one of the most important things in creating a good relationship is that the goals you both have for life match fairly closely.  One of the things that is a plus in my relationship is that our ideas for our life together are exactly the same.

It almost sounds to me that you two have a very different vision of your future.   That he was very attracted to you as a person but sort of agreed with you about your future life because he did not want to loose you.  That now that your future life together is almost at hand he is looking back at the things he agreed to but did not really agree with and finds himself a little trapped by his former compromises.  I think you are a really nice person BF but I think there are some real reasons for your concern. 

[Misha]

The "understanding" right now is as follows:
he = 50% pro, 50% contra ("suddenly" realized he wants to start on his PhD; afraid that he'll be too old by the time kids go to college);

But I know damn well that people who work on their PhDs may be stuck in them for a long, long time.  And time is exactly what I don't have. 

Many people have a PhD and they have children. Many people had children while they were doing their PhD. Most people have a PhD and work while doing their PhD or they get a decent grant while doing their studies and research. If he is using the PhD as a reason why he does not want to have children, then IMO this is simply a cover as he does not want to have children period.

Blues Fairy, who exactly is getting cold feet? Methinks it is you who is having doubts and not him.

[KenC]

The "understanding" right now is as follows:
he = 50% pro, 50% contra ("suddenly" realized he wants to start on his PhD; afraid that he'll be too old by the time kids go to college);
me = 100% pro and soon (before I'm 35).

The average is 75% pro, 25% contra - not that bad.   Considering all the other pressures he's under, I'm willing to let the issue go for now.  But I know damn well that people who work on their PhDs may be stuck in them for a long, long time.  And time is exactly what I don't have. 

Blues Fairy,
God bless your creative math, but sorry it doesn't work that way.  You have to consider the lowest possible outcome which is 50/50 dear.  Can you live with the idea that you have only a 50% chance of having a child with this man?  It doesn't sound like it to me.  And with him now wavering on the 50%, it appears even less now.

With this new information, I have to back track on my previous post and say you have a major problem that needs to be settled before matrimony.  Good luck with this.
KenC

[groovlstk]

What I do really care about is when I can hope to start a family - I've just turned 33 and Russians rarely wait until 30, it's a cultural thing...  Also I used to think the kids issue should be discussed before marriage, even before the entry on K-1.  Apparently men's brains work differently and I have to suck it up for now, and just hope that he'll arrive to it one step at a time?  Seems like a big gamble to me.      

You're right BF, it does seem like a big gamble. On the one hand, he could be changing his tune simply because he's feeling a bit overwhelmed now that your arrival date is approaching and needs some breathing room; or it's possible that, for the very same reason, the fantasy elements of a long-distance relationship are over and reality is setting in.

I'm taking a guess here, but when you two discuss your desire for children, do you always bring up the time window (i.e, the fact that you're 33 and realistically can't wait later than 35)? Whether he says it or not, he's probably thinking: "OK, she arrives in 3 months, we get married in 5 months, file for AOS in 6 months, she gets her green card in 11 months, starts working in 14 months, wants a family in 20 months," etc.

Not to defend him - because he should have thought this through a long time ago - but the whole deadline thing in this experience is like, "The horror! The horror!" (and it's rarely discussed here, or at least I've never seen it) because there are a series of hard deadlines and a series of soft deadlines and they all seem to run into each other. Some are immigration-imposed deadlines, some are spouse-imposed deadlines, others are simply shared goals. Separating the strands and determining which you can control and which you trust to the Lord and which to Uncle Sam may help it all seem less daunting.

Obviously these dates and deadlines loom very large to you, but maybe thinking in babysteps is the way to go. I can only say that it has worked so far for my wife and I, at least for our first 10 months together, and we did it not because I thought it would work or had any special insight but because I sensed that was the only way she would proceed. She didn't want to be pressured or forced into anything. She had a good life in Moscow and would have returned to it in a moment if I had misrepresented myself or suddenly changed upon her arrival. 

I've said this before: a traditional, local relationship doesn't have even a fraction of the hurdles and hair-pulling trials that an international marriage has in its first year; we're so quick to attribute the high rate of failure to lack of commitment and devious motives, but given the initial trials no wonder so many fail.

Anyway, like so many others have posted above, I'd be very concerned that your fiance would consider his Ph.D more important than the shared desire to have a family. When he's 70, will that diploma look better hanging on the wall of his study than photos of his children and grandchildren?

Regardless, I'd advise caution if you decide to force an answer from him now; if he's really stressed, whatever answer he gives to you won't be the answer that lies in his heart of hearts.

[BillyB]

With this new information, I have to back track on my previous post and say you have a major problem that needs to be settled before matrimony.  Good luck with this.
KenC

Ditto. Issues like this must be settle before marriage. You may have to wait years before you man finishes his PhD and then who's to say what he will be thinking pertaining to having children? It's time your man needs to be a man and be decisive on what he wants.

Too many times us men have criticised young men and women from entering marriage too early. In your case Blues Fairy, it is becoming too late. Your main child bearing years are passing and it will become harder and harder for you to give birth. I know a few women, when in their late 30's and early 40's, having one or multiple miscarriages.

The important thing is not just having a child because it's time, but having a child with the right man who will be there for you and the child at all times. Too many women have gotten pregnant just because they want a child now and the child grows up fatherless.

[jb]

Maybe BF ought to ask the b/f to visit with a fertility clinic to make sure he produces viable sperm if it's babies she's wanting.

Just an odd thought that ran through my brain.

[I/O]

Maybe BF ought to ask the b/f to visit with a fertility clinic to make sure he produces viable sperm if it's babies she's wanting.

Just an odd thought that ran through my brain.

Odd thought...? Why not just visit A clinic and cut the boy friend out of the loop altogether?

I/O

[Turboguy]

Think I am beginning to understand what too much RWD does to guys.

[Gator]

Blues Fairy,

The only reason for marriage is to create a family, and at your age that includes having children.  This is not a decision to be deferred and see how he feels about it a year or two from now in a marriage of convenience.   He should know NOW if he wants to have children. 

My history is relevant to yours.  When 36 years old, I was contemplating marriage to the mother of my children.  She was 32.

I asked her what she wanted the most in life.  She answered “a happy family with children”.  If I were not ready for children, she would have kept looking. 

At the time I was starting a new business, and I could have used that as an excuse:   “Darling, I do not know how my business will go, so we should wait a couple of years to make sure my income and available time will provide the life we envision for our children.”

I loved the woman, I wanted to marry, I wanted children, and I knew that there will never be an ideal time for children (children require much attention and money and a drastic change in lifestyle). 

Blues fairy, I hope I am wrong, but it seems that your fiancé is not ready.  He wants a PhD and possibly other personal goals.  When it is time to have children, one must forsake some personal goals and replace them with family goals.  And both the husband and wife must be totally committed to children.

Your fiance's ambivalence is a clear answer – he is saying “I do not want children.”  Would a PhD change your lifestyle that much as a family?

You should not worry about scaring the man away.  You should worry about marrying a man whose goals and values are not aligned with yours.  You are a smart, well adjusted woman - you know not to defer this decision.

[WmGO]

[If he is using the PhD as a reason why he does not want to have children, then IMO this is simply a cover as he does not want to have children period.
[/quote]

Blues Fairy,

I agree with the above comment. I also agree with what Wm3rd, KenC and others
have said about this issue.

If your fiancee has never had kids and he is not constantly talking about looking
forward to having kids, and being a good father, and all of the things he is going
to do in life with you and *them*..........well then I think it is fairly clear that he does
not want to have any...........

BTW I strongly disagree with the comment about a 38 year old man still needing
to do some growing up. If an American man is not grown up by the time he is 25-30 then he never will be IMO...........FWIW. 

Good luck!

[Blues Fairy]

Gentlemen, thanks for your comments but the issue is resolved to mutual satisfaction.

People are different and so are their reasons for reluctance. 

[Turboguy]

Blues, congratulations on getting it resolved in a mutually satisfactory way.  I am sure that is a weight off your mind. 

Wm,  There are a lot of people who throughout their entire life do what many of us would consider immature.   I will agree that someone in their late 30's who still has some growing up to do will probably never grow up.  Sometimes immaturity is part of their character (or lack of it)

[2tallbill]

I wonder if it's normal for a man to experience an attack of "cold feet" some months or weeks before the wedding.  All are welcome to share their experiences.  Also I appreciate your thoughts on what would be the best coping strategy.   

Any stories to share?

[2tallbill]

My wife and I skipped all that added pressure by agreeing to marry in Vegas

We didn't have a plan when Angel Eyes arrived. I knew I didn't want her
to go back to Russia, she had already agreed to marry me months before.
I looked into getting married in North Dakota and it was a royal pain in the
@ss.

So, I looked into Las Vegas and it's easy peasy. I drove her and Smiley
Girl to Vegas and married Angel Eyes. The idea of driving her the airport
again was too painful to imagine.

No cold feet especially since it was in the 78F in Las Vegas (26C). The trip
back it dropped got down to -10F (-23C).

[ML]

We didn't have a plan when Angel Eyes arrived. I knew I didn't want her
to go back to Russia, she had already agreed to marry me months before.
I looked into getting married in North Dakota and it was a royal pain in the
@ss.

So, I looked into Las Vegas and it's easy peasy. I drove her and Smiley
Girl to Vegas and married Angel Eyes. The idea of driving her the airport
again was too painful to imagine.

No cold feet especially since it was in the 78F in Las Vegas (26C). The trip
back it dropped got down to -10F (-23C).

This is what I was referring to about what is big deal  that Biden announced.

It has been legal for quite some time for a US citizen to marry anyone here in USA and apply for green card for them, etc.