A FSUW goes on a WOVO trip to visit a Western guy

[abashka]

Hello, guys.
I have read trip reports on the forum and they are all written from the guy's point of view. Many times people have written that they would love to see the girl's point of view. So I decided to share my account of a trip abroad to visit a guy

For those who do not know me – I am a Russian woman from Moscow, 32, divorced, with a 5 yo girl. I am not a top model, but neither am I ugly.
I have a university degree, a nice job and my English is not perfect, but still enough for communication.
I came to international dating because in Russia I am not considered to be good wife material due to my age and having a kid, and, because I have been working in international companies for 10 years, I am very attracted to western men. So I decided to give it a try...

Part 1

Last June I registered on some dating sites and started talking to guys. It is a pity I did not know about scammers, writers, sex-tourists, red flags or “skype-deer” (it is how FSU women call guys who come to skype to show their genitals) then. 
Now I understand how naive I was.
I talked to some guys, at last I kept talking with only two – a 36 yo UK guy and a 30 yo US guy (jewish from Odessa originally).  When UK guy suggested to have virtual sex in skype, I finished with him. US guy wrote that he applied for a Russian visa to come to visit me for New Year, but then he disappeared. It was very sad because by that time I was much into him. So then he disappeared I was very disappointed in all of it and did not want to continue.

At the end of November I got a message from a 43 yo French guy living in a French overseas territory. I was not in the mood to talk to him but he was very persistent – he wrote he is a serious guy, he is a primary school teacher, he wants a family etc.
Ok we started to communicate on a daily basis.

He seemed to be interested, he asked questions, sent a lot of compliments ( French) etc.  Though there were some strange things (red flags I did not know about) I did not notice then:
1.   He was boasting about his flat (sent pics), car, bike (pics) and salary though I never asked about it. I thought ok he probably tries to show he is a serious guy and has everything to start a family.
2.   When I asked him about the reason for his divorce – he blamed his ex wife only with words like “bitch” etc. “I would break both of my legs rather than marry that bitch then”. He said she took the twins and did not allow him to see them and now (they are 14) he considers that he does not have any kids.
3.   He said he was going to visit a girl in Thailand but he cancelled the trip as she was a scammer and not a good girl at all.

So he tends to blame women for everything (“bad luck”, “bitches only” etc) but he was nice to me...at that time. Everything was going well - on skype and viber, and I started to fall for him and even deleted my profiles on dating sites.
In January he started to talk about our meeting, but he said he could do it in June only because he had to save for it (“but dear with 4k euro per month I will save fast”).
I had a vacation in February, so I said ok, probably I could come to visit you instead of going to Thailand – the same sea. He said he would be happy to see me etc. So I began to plan my trip.
Only tickets alone cost me 2k euro. When we talked about where I will stay he said – sorry my mom just came to visit me so I cannot invite you to stay with me. I said it is ok, I was not going to stay with you because what if we do not like each other when we meet, or have no chemistry?
I checked the hotels, the cheapest one was 1k euro. I said it was too expensive. If I pay for tickets+hotel I will not have much money left to bring with me (by the way it was 2 years of my savings).

He said do not worry - I will pay for you sometimes too. He did not suggest to pay even half but I thought ok probably he is afraid of scammers and he promised to take care of me when I am there, so it was good. He is a huge romantic. After his talks I was ready to do everything for him I was a naïve, foolish girl. I think he saw it and was just manipulating me.

So I obtained visas, bought tickets, and flew there (20 hours). He met me at the airport with a necklace of orchids (so nice of him) and brought me to the hotel. It seems as if we knew each other for a long time and I was completely in love with him… So since the first night he stayed with me in the hotel.
By the way….I can't imagine why Frenchmen have the reputation for being good lovers… though French kisses were good  Or it is called “bad luck”?
As he stayed with me, next day he went home and brought his clothes. I needed to pay for the hotel. He took 1000 euro from me and paid. The same day we went to a restaurant, he invited and paid the bill. I tried to save his money and did not order much lol.
So everything was going well, but we shared all the bills. Except fuel and sometimes he bought some bakery for me as small surprises.
One day when I was getting ready to go to the sea he asked – you do not have much make-up, why? I said sorry it is not good for the skin to have a make up at +35C.  It was enough he did not say anything.

Every day we went to his flat and took his mom and a dog for a walk.
In a week when we were walking his dog along the seaside I stopped to feed the birds, and he did not wait for me and went further. It took me 30 minutes to reach him and I was a little sad, he did not say even sorry. All he said was you are not a little girl; you knew where I went and you could go after me. There is no need to behave like a little girl. I was calm, I did not shout or blame him, all he saw was only one small tear in my eyes.

Since that time his behavior changed: no hugs, no kisses, and no sex anymore. But he still stayed with me. I think now I know the reason – it was very hot and we had AC in the hotel which he did not have in his room at home (I thought he was joking when he told me about it). I wondered what was wrong and blamed myself for it, I thought probably he got tired to spend 24 hours together, probably I did smth wrong etc, so I decided to go to visit my Russian friends who live there and let him have a rest.

Next day he told me - I like you but sorry I do not love you. No need to explain how I felt, but I said it is ok, I cannot make you love me, I will not ask for anything, I let you go then. I wish you all good, and take care of yourself, please. There were tears in my eyes, and in his eyes I saw them too.
He said ok I go now I need to get ready for work (the school started in 4 days) but I will return in two days to bring you to the airport. I said no need, I will take a taxi.He was a little bit shocked and left.

It was February 12, I left February 14.

[AC]

Hello, guys.
I have read trip reports on the forum and they are all written from the guy's point of view. Many times people have written that they would love to see the girl's point of view. So I decided to share my account of a trip abroad to visit a guy

For those who do not know me – I am a Russian woman from Moscow, 32, divorced, with a 5 yo girl. I am not a top model, but neither am I ugly.
I have a university degree, a nice job and my English is not perfect, but still enough for communication.
I came to international dating because in Russia I am not considered to be good wife material due to my age and having a kid, and, because I have been working in international companies for 10 years, I am very attracted to western men. So I decided to give it a try...

Very good to know.  It's a small percentage on both sides.  Your story is very interesting!   

[Larry1]

Abashka, thank you for sharing your story.

My brief response is - you can do better (than this guy). A guy who is really serious should be willing to visit you in Moscow. As it was, he left you to pay for almost all expenses of the trip. It should not be this way. At a minimum he isn't suited for an international relationship.

The story of your walk with him and his dog along the seaside was telling, and sad.

I had never heard of the phrase "skype-deer". It's hilarious.

By the way….I can't imagine why Frenchmen have the reputation for being good lovers…

 

Your story illustrates the risk of the WOVO method.  It's usually the guy who bears that risk but in this story it was the girl.

I hope you go back online and find a serious guy who is willing and able to visit you and will treat you very well.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your TR.

[AC]

Abashka, thank you for sharing your story.

My brief response is - you can do better (than this guy). A guy who is really serious should be willing to visit you in Moscow. As it was, he left you to pay for almost all expenses of the trip. It should not be this way. At a minimum he isn't suited for an international relationship.

The story of your walk with him and his dog along the seaside was telling, and sad.

I had never heard of the phrase "skype-deer". It's hilarious.

 

Your story illustrates the risk of the WOVO method.  It's usually the guy who bears that risk but in this story it was the girl.

I hope you go back online and find a serious guy who is willing and able to visit you and will treat you very well.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your TR.

  

[Anathema]

Yay!  I'm really glad you decided to do this abashka.  I only know the ending so it will be interesting to hear about the rest. 

[2tallbill]

Abashka,

Welcome to the forum!

[Hammer2722]

Welcome to the forum Abashka and thank you for sharing your story. It is indeed refreshing to hear it from the woman's perspective.
I agree with Larry that if a man is truly interested in you, he should make the effort to come see you in your home city. Its what most serious men do. Do not lose hope. Just take it as a learning tool for the next time and you will be much better prepared to find a good serious man. I invite you to stay and participate in the forum. You could contribute and learn a lot here to help you in your search. Good luck! 

[Wayne]

It could be that the man's mother did not approve of you. Why would he go visit his mother every day instead of spending time with you.

Did you bring your child with you?

Perhaps this man does not like children? Why did he stop seeing his own children?

It seems like he is a "mommies little boy" and not a man at all.

[abashka]

It could be that the man's mother did not approve of you. Why would he go visit his mother every day instead of spending time with you.

Did you bring your child with you?

Perhaps this man does not like children? Why did he stop seeing his own children?

It seems like he is a "mommies little boy" and not a man at all.

We went to take a dog for a walk as it is large and for mom it was hard to walk with it. He is definitely not a mammas boy:)

As for the kids - see in Part 3 soon.

[abashka]

Part 2

Before I continue… I forgot to mention that the guy seemed to be nervous. He cried at night sometimes and bit his nails…so I did all my best not to annoy him during the day and was trying to calm him like a baby at night when he cried.. I felt so sad for him, poor guy, his life was so bad, all his girls did not treat him well, etc.. I saw he had too much dignity and self-esteem but at the same time usually tried to find only bad things in almost everything I said…
Or maybe it is a national French feature of character – to criticize everything and to complain, I do not know…

So he left. When he got home he started to blame me in viber, he sent me the list of his suggestions why it did not work for us:

1.   I do not wear much make-up.
2.   My dress-style is too serious for him – he needs more casual clothes
3.   I behaved like a little girl on the beach when I lost him
4.   I did not kiss his mom when I saw her for the first time – French are supposed to kiss each other
5.   I left him last night for my Russian friends
6.   etc

I replied - if you wanted me to have make-up on the beach every day you should have told me about it, if you do not like my dresses – we could go together and buy t-shirts and shorts – do you really think that can be the reasons??
As for mom – I did not know about your traditions and if you saw I did not kiss her why you did not tell I should do it at the same time, why you blame me now? The reply was – I do not think I can change the people. And you should have noticed we kiss when we are by ourselves.

So he was keeping everything inside of him instead of discussing it with me. And as I left him he got offended and said it to make me understand I was not good enough for him.

I said ok you did not tell me anything that could not be solved, nothing of the problems you listed are real. He said ok probably I was wrong you girls usually blame men for everything. I said I did not blame you, we should have been talked more and discuss all of it.
In an hour he wrote: “I will be missing you”. I said –yes, me too as I love you and I feel very sad it did not work for us. He replied – what do you want? You want me to come back? And at this moment I made another mistake. I said yes I really loved this guy after all of it…

He said ok I will come Saturday afternoon and stay with you until 7 pm (I needed to leave for the airport at 22). Ok, he came on Saturday (Feb 14, St. Val day – no need to mention without even one rose). Our reconciliation was very passionate -  the bed was broken. After that he said – you do not feel sad that I do not love you? I answered- no as I cannot change it. Then after a small pause he replied -  “ I think I love you”. I was happy. The best present for St. Valentines Day!

Later that day we went to buy some souvenirs for my daughter and friends where I spent  last cash .

I forgot to mention that when I told my Russian friends that I had nobody to bring me to the airport they found a local single guy who would do it. So he called me to discuss it and invited me for dinner and my guy got jealous – how could it happen that I found a new guy so fast.

So he found time to bring me to the airport very fast but I said no, thank you. We said good bye, but before it he told me that his bank account was very low but I would give him my address so he will send smth the month after . I replied I did not need it, he made the best present he could when he told me he loved me. Though it was strange for me he had low account as I remembered how he told me several times about his large salary. But it explained why we shared the bills at least.

Soooo happy fool RW flew home.

To be continued....

[Larry1]

Part 2

Before I continue… I forgot to mention that the guy seemed to be nervous. He cried at night sometimes and bit his nails…so I did all my best not to annoy him during the day and was trying to calm him like a baby at night when he cried..

This doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would appeal to FSUW. You're better off without him.

[HoundDaddyLee]

Hi Abashka,


Thank you for sharing your story. The guy sounds like an immature clown. You are better off without him. Also sad that Russian men are not interested because you have a child. Let the men come to you and they should pay as they are the men.


Please keep posting as it is good to hear a FSUW perspective on international dating.


Take care,
HDL

[AC]

Or maybe it is a national French feature of character – to criticize everything and to complain, I do not know…

Generally speaking some French are notorious whiners.  Sorry you had a bad experience.  He should have been ecstatic that you not only came to him, but paid your own hotel.  Seems to me he should have offered to at least pay for your hotel since you paid your own airfare.  He should have done a much better job at showing you some romance and fun instead of his petty whining about make-up or whatever.

As Larry and others have said hopefully when you come in to contact with the right guy he will travel to you and for sure he will pay for everything during the courtship phase. Also as you pointed out he should be communicating with you much better, not holding things inside.  When you meet the right guy the communication will be natural and fun. 

edit to add
Okay, now I read the rest of your post.  Seems there was some romance on final day, but without proper flowers.  It just seems like it was something you really wanted (the romance; a man who would say he loved you) but that also maybe you were willing to overlook some things, or maybe things were just not real.  When I say real -- I mean you would never be confused.  There is never any doubt.  Everything is clear and obvious.

[southernX]

welcome abashka

and yes please continue to tell us your story and keep posting here 

im sure your perspective will be welcomed,

 hopefully we can also be of help to  you in some small way in your search 

SX

[BillyB]

Welcome to the forum Abashka. The guy has many excuses and blames everyone else for problems. Look for a man that doesn't make excuses and talks about solutions instead of problems.

[Noch1]

Welcome, Great story.
I look forward to more.

[abashka]

Before I continue I want to say that I do not blame this guy , everything I did was my own choice, he did not promise me anything. I made a lot of mistakes so to be honest I am the one to blame.

Looking back I see now that I did not want to notice all the bad things he did, probably I just wanted to beleive in a fairy-tale or just did not want to beleive that a western guy could do so and yes many times I thought that the fact we spoke different languages was the reason of misunderstandings.

We could see only one part of the story which I tell you now, probably from his point of view it differs greatly.  I am sure he does not think he did something wrong as he said  "It was a risk and you decided to take it".

Anyway it was a good lesson for me:)

[Brasscasing]

Good read so far, Abashka. 

Brass

[Faux Pas]

Before I continue I want to say that I do not blame this guy , everything I did was my own choice, he did not promise me anything. I made a lot of mistakes so to be honest I am the one to blame.

Looking back I see now that I did not want to notice all the bad things he did, probably I just wanted to beleive in a fairy-tale or just did not want to beleive that a western guy could do so and yes many times I thought that the fact we spoke different languages was the reason of misunderstandings.

We could see only one part of the story which I tell you now, probably from his point of view it differs greatly.  I am sure he does not think he did something wrong as he said  "It was a risk and you decided to take it".

Anyway it was a good lesson for me:)

Don't be too hard on yourself. Many, many and I can't say it enough Many men, use that as an excuse as well. Certainly there are miscommunications and misunderstandings but, bad behavior is unacceptable in most any language.

It's interesting that you mentioned that. Most men will continue to use that as an excuse for failed relationships 2,3 failed relationships later until a light bulb turns on. There is no excuse for bad behavior. It's disrespect and selfish. When you encounter it from another WM, drop him and quickly move on

[2tallbill]

Before I continue I want to say that I do not blame this guy , everything I did was my own choice, he did not promise me anything. I made a lot of mistakes so to be honest I am the one to blame.

Ty molodetz!

That is a good attitude to have. After every trip I would look at what I did right and
what I did wrong and how I could improve.

Looking back I see now that I did not want to notice all the bad things he did, probably I just wanted to believe in a fairy-tale or just did not want to believe that a western guy could do so and yes many times I thought that the fact we spoke different languages was the reason of misunderstandings.

Many Western men make the same excuses.

Excellent trip report thus far!

Udachi!


Bill

[Wayne]

If the person is French, do you speak French? Or do you both use English as a second language?   
 
You have an interesting story, please continue.

[abashka]

If the person is French, do you speak French? Or do you both use English as a second language?   
 
You have an interesting story, please continue.

We spoke English.

[ML]

For those who are going to comment . . . would be nice if you used the same logic and advice that you give to the men who go on such a WOVO adventure.

[Patagonie]

Dear lady

I feel so sad, i feel so disappointed for you.
I mean that it's so hard to go on a WOVO or WMVO, to have strong feelings and that all blow away.
Notice that i am french, and that i am married to a ukrainian lady.
You feel so delicate, so russian, so real in your expression. I know for certainty that you are a true lady.

Please read this carefully.
This man was not stable (notice that i am using the past - preterit - actions ended)
He was not stable emotionnaly. His divorce and his all previous love stories were a burden.
You don't have to share such burden, don't you?
There is some part of truth in the french culture about expressing negativity and criticizing a lot of things.
But please remember for the future that to be positive, having a partner who is not blaming but only expressing his disagreement, is the way for a healthy relationship. I do think that's important.

Dear Lady
This man was uneducated, uneducated about your culture, about how things should be respected for a true story.
But more: he is not the appropriate man for you because he's not free.
 the evil is in his head and you are not a nurse.
 He probably loves you for a part but that not how you can blossom.

About this story about his money. The situation is that he normally gets a lot of money, but the life in NC is quite expansive. The alimonies for children is something like minus 18% of his wage. But he has perhaps also an alimony for her ex wife if she is not working. There is something not normal and i bet that he didn't explain you all. Are you sure that he was really divorced?

It's better to be sure that a man had made his mourny before starting a serious story.
 It seems to me that his divorce was very fresh, too fresh in his memory.

Dear Lady
Stay around this forum, many men will help you. PM if you need.
I always said that many men need to have their ass to be kicked off. Not all people probably like me, because i am sometimes very frank, or perhaps rude, but i still think a lot of men are stupid, with women.
 I cannot, and i wouldn't, excuse them.

Keep the sorrow with you as you need  and just slowly release it to wash you heart and keep it pure as it was before.   
We need for the eternity women like you to feed our dreams and listen the music of our walkyries.

[Anotherkiwi]

Pat, that is probably the greatest post you've ever made - and there have been a lot of great ones!