Time for some Humor!!

[Bounder]

I just refer to everyone as a carrot these days.

That's one way to try to keep sane! 😊

[ML]

CRUISE SHIP DIARY

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice ...

[msmob]

Best joke I've read in ages... :thumbs up:

[tfcrew]

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?





You can unscrew a light bulb.

[SANDRO43]

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.

Good joke, but how is the photo relevant ?

[tfcrew]

  how is the photo relevant ?

Oh...call it an exercise in imagination.

[ML]

Love those thighs.  Can the be purchased on ebay ??

[msmob]

Oh...call it an exercise in imagination.

Don't some guys Missus' 'object' to their partners imagination ? ..

Her thighs are far too pale ...

[mhr7]

Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche


http://www.theonion.com/article/secret-service-adds-emotional-protection-division--55263


“All of our agents stand ready to lay down their lives to ensure nothing can hurt President Trump’s feelings.”

[tfcrew]

Love those thighs.  Can they be purchased on ebay ??

Yes .. ebay has entire amazing packages.
I think they're made in Hong Kong


 

[Gator]

Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche

It would be hilarious except such is indeed occurring in the form of safe spaces at universities. 

[tfcrew]

                   Belated Valentine's Day card......?

                           

                                   

             

                               

[tfcrew]

[ML]

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the Miami Herald.
 
Colonoscopy Journal: 
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
 
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
 
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
 
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
 
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
 
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
 
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
 
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
 
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
 
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
 
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
 
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
 
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
 
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
 
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
 
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
 
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
 
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
 
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
 
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
 
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
 
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
 
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
 
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
 
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
 
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
 
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
 
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
 
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
 
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
 
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
 
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
 
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
 
And the best one of all: 
 
13.  'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

[tfcrew]

Regarding the above mentioned colonoscopy ...
1] You are not 'put to sleep' anymore...just made 'comfortable'.
2] No matter how many jokes the patient might crack...they still get the bill...a big one.

[Hammer2722]

Best Irish joke I've heard in a long time!!!!

[msmob]

Surely, as an Irishman - that's a joke about Golfers ?

[Gator]

No wonder men are happier

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
 
Your last name does not change. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. If the gas station restroom is unsanitary, you use it and certainly don't drive to another gas station.  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000 vs. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A seven-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have problems in public with straps. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
You can play with toys all your life. You need just one wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

[Gator]

MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT MEN



NICKNAMES
 
 If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
 
 If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
 

RESTAURANTS
 
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $42.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 

MONEY
 
 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 

BATHROOMS
 
 A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
 
 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 

ARGUMENTS
 
 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

FUTURE
 
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 

MARRIAGE
 
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 

DRESSING UP
 
 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
 
 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 

NATURAL
 
 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

[Gator]

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no need for two people remembering the same thing!

[Anotherkiwi]

MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT MEN
BATHROOMS
 
 A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

Where do YOU store your underarm deodorant?    And a flannel (facecloth or whatever else you like to call it) is actually quite handy, too. 

[Gator]

Where do YOU store your underarm deodorant?    And a flannel (facecloth or whatever else you like to call it) is actually quite handy, too. 

On the days you want deodorant, use the wife's.  .

Flannel?  A corner of the towel will suffice. 

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

Women wake up yawning in the morning and men wake up with
an erection. Coincidence? I think not!
 

[tfcrew]

On the days you want think you really need deodorant, use the wife's.  .