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Author Topic: The Sudden Silent treatment  (Read 27480 times)

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Offline Trenchcoat

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #75 on: January 11, 2018, 02:10:17 PM »
Well on the moving on part he may strike it lucky and get the right girl next time or he may make the same mistake again or another mistake. If he learns what went wrong before then he should be in better stead to avoid that problem in the future IF he learns from that mistake.

If he can't take it in and learn or doesn't want to know why then he could be making the same mistake over and over. He might be very socially inept/awkward and embarrassing to be around or he may have just been with the wrong girl. She may have just liked him and never loved him. It would of course help knowing just what her reason was?

I accept that I am not without my faults which I have admitted to in the past here. Some guys just can't admit that they too have faults as they are too proud to admit it - some get very defensive indeed getting all adversarial at the mere thought of it. They tend to be closed off to developing as a person and it's their loss in being like this. Likewise  it's not just the man that has faults bit also the woman. As fellow men we tend to focus on what the man did wrong or was wrong with him on here. The woman though can have many faults, too materialistic, too volatile, too moralistic, poor social skills,  etc, etc.

I think a guy who is good socially doesn't need an analysis of what went wrong every time. He knows it just wasn't right but naturally usually gets it right as he is well tuned in what to go for when it appears and when to hold and when to fold. A guy who is not socially skilled though needs more help in these matters. Once he knows what to look out for then he will recognise the signs being subtlely given off next time and will know what to go for and avoid and when to move on. To my mind I think there is generally regular types of situations that come about again and again in relationships and once you know how to deal with them once you know how to deal with them every time the occur in the future.
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Offline GQBlues

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #76 on: January 11, 2018, 02:53:12 PM »
Well on the moving on part he may strike it lucky and get the right girl next time or he may make the same mistake again or another mistake. If he learns what went wrong before then he should be in better stead to avoid that problem in the future IF he learns from that mistake.

If he can't take it in and learn or doesn't want to know why then he could be making the same mistake over and over. He might be very socially inept/awkward and embarrassing to be around or he may have just been with the wrong girl. She may have just liked him and never loved him. It would of course help knowing just what her reason was?

I accept that I am not without my faults which I have admitted to in the past here. Some guys just can't admit that they too have faults as they are too proud to admit it - some get very defensive indeed getting all adversarial at the mere thought of it. They tend to be closed off to developing as a person and it's their loss in being like this. Likewise  it's not just the man that has faults bit also the woman. As fellow men we tend to focus on what the man did wrong or was wrong with him on here. The woman though can have many faults, too materialistic, too volatile, too moralistic, poor social skills,  etc, etc.

I think a guy who is good socially doesn't need an analysis of what went wrong every time. He knows it just wasn't right but naturally usually gets it right as he is well tuned in what to go for when it appears and when to hold and when to fold. A guy who is not socially skilled though needs more help in these matters. Once he knows what to look out for then he will recognise the signs being subtlely given off next time and will know what to go for and avoid and when to move on. To my mind I think there is generally regular types of situations that come about again and again in relationships and once you know how to deal with them once you know how to deal with them every time the occur in the future.


The one thing I spot in all/most of your posts, TC, is you have this silly perception that all women, whether domestic or abroad, are somehow beneath and less in state and being than you. No one, men or women, is 'all that', you know.


Unless that changes about you...you're screwed no matter how much 'learning' you think you're doing.
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Offline Bounder

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #77 on: January 11, 2018, 03:23:54 PM »
No, this guy is still in Russia.  He's been working there a while and it happened all of a sudden.  I don't know how they met but it was probably like how you would meet a local girl in your city. 

So it's not like he was flying over there for visits, they were dating normally.

I'm just wondering if this is more a Russian mentality or due to youth.

No, this guy is still in Russia.  He's been working there a while and it happened all of a sudden.  I don't know how they met but it was probably like how you would meet a local girl in your city. 

So it's not like he was flying over there for visits, they were dating normally.

I'm just wondering if this is more a Russian mentality or due to youth.

I think there's a youth factor, for sure.  What it is I don't know.  It is "ghosting", which is rude and nasty and becoming more common.

That being said, I have the misfortune of being dumped by Russian girls.  It is like being dumped like a stone into a pond.  When they are done, it's done.  Perhaps they invented ghosting before the internet.

I also happen to fully agree with everything in Yes' post on this subject.  It is spot on and instructive.

I'm curious though, why are you writing for a "friend"?

Offline Fashionista

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #78 on: January 11, 2018, 03:36:26 PM »
Guys I cannot understand, if it's such a painful experience for you why do you bother? You want American, buy American  ;) .
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Offline Trenchcoat

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #79 on: January 11, 2018, 03:40:33 PM »

The one thing I spot in all/most of your posts, TC, is you have this silly perception that all women, whether domestic or abroad, are somehow beneath and less in state and being than you. No one, men or women, is 'all that', you know.


Unless that changes about you...you're screwed no matter how much 'learning' you think you're doing.

Outside of the main prosperous cities women are generally poorer, not all but many. In the main prosperous cities a fair few dare say earn more than me. I know now from you guys & girls here of the need not to look at them as of lower status. I've never looked at them as inferior to me  yet in terms of status some that I date are of a significantly less financial status. This I don't mind but problems not of my making have come about as a result of this difference.

I think a lot of guys encounter these issues such as getting a visa for the girl or her seeing the guy as a walking cash card whether they are into him or not. A lot of girls out there see a WM who visits as able to afford anything as no burden in him doing so for them. The more wiser perhaps older ones know this is not the case and it will kill  most relationships. It's not so much an attitude towards women of lower financial status it's just the circumstance of it that causes issues. Some are issues where the woman is genuine others where she is not. It's well known that some women look to use a guy as an immigration mule or seek his wealth where others only seek to find love and family.
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Offline Bounder

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #80 on: January 11, 2018, 03:46:00 PM »
Guys I cannot understand, if it's such a painful experience for you why do you bother? You want American, buy American  ;) .

I also ask myself somedays, why)))  One guy I know dates Phillipinos only in Moscow as the Russian girls are "too capricious" in his opinion.  I get "capricious Russian girls" but not Philipino girls.  I'm joking a bit, there are lots of nice and normal Russian girls, I just haven't got to meet one yet.

By the way I'm not American, but more like you Fashionista.

Offline Fashionista

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #81 on: January 11, 2018, 03:54:14 PM »
I also ask myself somedays, why)))  One guy I know dates Phillipinos only in Moscow as the Russian girls are "too capricious" in his opinion.  I get "capricious Russian girls" but not Philipino girls.  I'm joking a bit, there are lots of nice and normal Russian girls, I just haven't got to meet one yet.

By the way I'm not American, but more like you Fashionista.


More like me? You moved to Canada from Russia?  I think you are the bizarro me, you moved from Canada to Russia and you are a guy. I am joking of course  :) . Maybe it's Moscow. I don't like this city myself. On the other hand the problem in a foreign country is that you don't feel the early telltale signs like the locals do, you think maybe this person isn't an idiot, maybe it's cultural, etc. How long have you been in Russia?
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Offline Trenchcoat

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #82 on: January 11, 2018, 04:08:02 PM »
Guys I cannot understand, if it's such a painful experience for you why do you bother? You want American, buy American  ;) .

I think many guys here would date locally if it was in any way a decent option. It is after all more easier. A few just dig the whole Russian slavic thing so much that they would date there whatever. Situation remains that whatever the obstacles or pain in FSU dating it pales in comparison to the state of dating locally. For a guy it is no joy sending (spamming) out endless emails to loads of girls with no reply. Or dating them and finding the relationship is a no go as they are non serious or have mental problems so bad they are incapable of a relationship.

I agree with Bounder here. FSW tend to do what suits them and move on. Why waste time on a person/situation who will never suit? Rude perhaps, expedient certaintly. I found myself in this situation with the second girl I met, a flimsy corny excuse and that's it. Even after giving the excuse she was freindly towards me before departing but when they have made up their minds that's it.
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Offline Bounder

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #83 on: January 11, 2018, 04:37:37 PM »

More like me? You moved to Canada from Russia?  I think you are the bizarro me, you moved from Canada to Russia and you are a guy. I am joking of course  :) . Maybe it's Moscow. I don't like this city myself. On the other hand the problem in a foreign country is that you don't feel the early telltale signs like the locals do, you think maybe this person isn't an idiot, maybe it's cultural, etc. How long have you been in Russia?

We must be the inside-out version of each other.)))  I'll have soon been here a year.  I like Moscow a lot and I'm very happy here.

I sometimes wonder how to  break through with the girls though.  I'm not afraid to meet the one who don't really speak English, we all do our best.  And it's most likely that I meet an non-English speaker, just based on numbers.  Of course, the non-English speaking ones (the ones I will most likely meet) are more completely Russian with less awareness of outside culture.  I have to admit, having tried this a few times, it is difficult for me to meet their expectation of a man.  I'm not a Russian man and they don't know anything about where I come from.  I'm trying to become more like a Russian man day after day).  But I know I will never be a Russian man.  Just a Canadian man living in Russia.

Offline msmob

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #84 on: January 11, 2018, 04:51:51 PM »
I'd like to suggest that the point re FSU attitudes ( example 'not' stopping in the street to make small talk)  be examined further.

In my near two decades of living with / working with FSU folk - it's just not my experience. 

SC is always amazed how many times we get stopped in the street by 'strangers' to her - who know me ..... for a chat.

May be it's a Moscow 'thang' - I'm never there long enough  and SC prefers Sochi life having lived in Moscow or the greatest proportion of her existence.

I find FSU folk just as approachable - if not more so - than in London .. and once you've cracked the veneer - they are as friendly as the Irish.

Even in minus -30/-40C Siberia I simply don't agree that small talk isn't common..




Offline Boethius

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #85 on: January 11, 2018, 04:55:42 PM »
It's not an FSU attitude in my experience either, though mine is limited to Kyiv.


The better half does spend time in Moscow and St. Petersburg, as he has relatives in both, and I asked him about this.  It's not his experience either.
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Offline Fashionista

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #86 on: January 11, 2018, 06:01:06 PM »
I'll have soon been here a year. 


Oh, so you are a fob :D . Don't worry, it'll pass eventually. After just a few years you will eventually feel, well, not Russian, but no longer a Canadian either.
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Offline mhr7

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #87 on: January 11, 2018, 06:08:31 PM »
it is difficult for me to meet their expectation of a man.  I'm not a Russian man and they don't know anything about where I come from.  I'm trying to become more like a Russian man day after day).  But I know I will never be a Russian man.  Just a Canadian man living in Russia.

This is my fourth year in Russia, my seventh in the FSU. I still have times of utter frustration with the girl I've been with for 2 years and every now and then I have to remind her that I'm not Russian and have no idea what she expects.

mob/Boe- My experience is the same as yours.
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Offline Davo2

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #88 on: January 11, 2018, 07:11:39 PM »
My friend has been in Yekaterinburg this week. He spent 2 days sightseeing while his fiancé had some family matters to attend to. He was surprised by how welcoming the locals were, and how willing they were to chat with a total stranger, mind you he's a bit of an extrovert and has no shame at all.... anyone who happened to make eye contact would have little chance of escaping him without sharing their life story  ;) ..... Maybe it has a lot to do with your personality and how approachable you are?
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 07:13:38 PM by Davo2 »

Offline mendeleyev

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #89 on: January 11, 2018, 07:55:06 PM »
"Ghosting" is a term with which I am not familiar. What does it mean?

Boe, is there a Russian equivalent to the term?
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Offline LAman

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #90 on: January 11, 2018, 08:08:52 PM »
"Ghosting" is a term with which I am not familiar. What does it mean?

Boe, is there a Russian equivalent to the term?


Opposite of love is indifference.

Ghosting is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 08:11:50 PM by LAman »
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Offline Brasscasing

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #91 on: January 11, 2018, 08:17:51 PM »
"Ghosting" is a term with which I am not familiar. What does it mean?

Hiya Mendy,

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Ghosting

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

Not sure if there's a Russian equivalent or translation.

More a millennial and younger age group phenomenon within dating/relationships.

Technically, Sting's friend did not experience "ghosting" as the young lady did break up with him prior to ceasing communication.

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« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 08:24:06 PM by Brasscasing »
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Offline LAman

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #92 on: January 11, 2018, 08:24:13 PM »

More a millennial and younger age phenomenon within dating/relationships.


Not really, happened to me last summer with a 39 yr old women( a beauty). Things can and do break off to others rather quickly also....only have seen this in Russia/Ukraine, never at home where you could possibly run into.
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Offline JayH

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #93 on: January 11, 2018, 08:28:50 PM »
..... Maybe it has a lot to do with your personality and how approachable you are?

Somehow that is the key I think.
Moby commented upthread  about his lady being surprised  at people stopping to chat he knows ( or met somehow)  and his lady being surprised ( this also relates to Moby's other thread about his journey and undertaking it without a Russian speaker on board)  -- I can 100 % relate to that.
My lady is constantly surprised at people speaking to me !  And more - people who I have not previously met - getting into a conversation ! "how  do you understand them"?  & How do they understand you"?  This is everyone from the babushka in the market -- to guys doing wheelstands away from the lights on motorcycles  who did a u-turn to come back to stop and chat ! then-on finding I speak only English -=calls his mates who arrive in an attention getting  crescendo of noise  --me chatting to 6 guys on bikes !A few days later - walking with my lady-- the guys ride past and see me-- promptly mount the kerb to come and chat! My lady is " my god,what is going on " !! etc" How do you know them'?
I have found that type of friendliness all over Ukraine & Crimea .( not commenting on Russia -- as not a lot of time there and in a fairly protected environment) .
I have also been treated with great kindness by complete strangers -- and people being helpful to their own disadvantage.
The only thing I am a little careful of --is getting too chatty with beautiful girls ! No amount of "I was just being friendly" gets past my lady! ( although she does laugh about it now !)
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Offline Brasscasing

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #94 on: January 11, 2018, 08:29:44 PM »
Not really, happened to me last summer with a 39 yr old women( a beauty). Things can and do break off to others rather quickly also....only have seen this in Russia/Ukraine, never at home where you could possibly run into.

Yeah, that's why I didn't post exclusively a millennial and younger....

It probably does happen in older age groups to some degree as well.

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #95 on: January 11, 2018, 08:33:19 PM »

I'm curious though, why are you writing for a "friend"?

I'm not writing for him.  Just curious if this is normal behaviour. We were discussing business related things and I asked how's life over in Moscow.  He regaled his story of how his ex-gf all of a sudden broke it off.  I could tell he was deeply, genuinely hurt by it.  She blocked him from all contact.

I didn't get this type of treatment with girls in Moscow, maybe I was lucky or dealing with more mature people.  If a girl didn't want to date me anymore or vice versa we'd say it and end it amicably. I still keep in touch with some as friends. 

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #96 on: January 11, 2018, 08:40:35 PM »
I'm not writing for him.  Just curious if this is normal behaviour. We were discussing business related things and I asked how's life over in Moscow.  He regaled his story of how his ex-gf all of a sudden broke it off.  I could tell he was deeply, genuinely hurt by it.  She blocked him from all contact.

I didn't get this type of treatment with girls in Moscow, maybe I was lucky or dealing with more mature people.  If a girl didn't want to date me anymore or vice versa we'd say it and end it amicably. I still keep in touch with some as friends.

Most of the possibilities have been covered in thread by a few of the sensible posters.! :)

"I still keep in touch with some as friends."

I can relate to that --- but-- when a girls expectations are raised -- and not met -- she may well cross you off permanently and move on.
All the possibilities go out the window--if she simply met someone else !!
SLAVA UKRAYINI  ! HEROYAM SLAVA!!!!
Слава Украине! Слава героям слава!Слава Україні! Слава героям!
 translated as: Glory to Ukraine! Glory to the heroes!!!  is a Ukrainian greeting slogan being used now all over Ukraine to signify support for a free independent Ukraine

Offline Sting23

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #97 on: January 11, 2018, 08:44:30 PM »

Oh, so you are a fob :D . Don't worry, it'll pass eventually. After just a few years you will eventually feel, well, not Russian, but no longer a Canadian either.

Once Canadian, always Canadian!  If you go to Papa's Bar in Moscow on Nikolskaya Street the owner Doug is Canadian.  Been in Russia for 20 odd years.  Has about 50 Maple leaf flags adorned in the bar.  Had a nice chat with him, he loves Russia but bleeds red and white.

Offline Trenchcoat

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #98 on: January 11, 2018, 09:46:53 PM »
Well I like Moscow :D I mean what's not to like? The architecture and parks in Central Moscow are great. The people I do find some of them have a bit of a detached persona to start with but after a little while say 15-30 minutes or so maybe a bit less or more of being familiar with your presence are more open. The more familiar they become with you the more open I think they become and the more chatty.

I've noticed the two girls I spent most time with in Ukraine would both have people they don't know engage them in conversation here & there. When I was in the line to buy some groceries this old guy was showing me the cover of a lad's mag pointing out how scantily clad the woman was ;D

I think there is a kind of slight exterior of coldness but it depends on the person and though perhaps a FSU trait is not impenetrable.
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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #99 on: January 11, 2018, 10:02:09 PM »

Of course, the non-English speaking ones (the ones I will most likely meet) are more completely Russian with less awareness of outside culture.  I have to admit, having tried this a few times, it is difficult for me to meet their expectation of a man.


Bounder can you elaborate on their expectations? 

I didn't even try dating a non-English speaking girl.  No point.  My Russian is so bad that 90% of the conversation will be in English.

There was one time where I had a frustrating time. I scheduled a date for a walk in the park.  I said meet in front of the metro entrance.  She ended up driving and tried to pick me up in the car at some street corner.  This was a huge congested area and I couldn't figure out where she wanted to meet.  I said to park and go to the metro.  She insisted on the entrance to the park.  Now there were several "parks" and monuments, walking areas in this place.  I had never been here before.

I basically was wandering around for close to an hour trying to find it.  I kept telling her to go to the metro but she refused.  After 10 phone calls or so I eventually did find the entrance.  Funny thing it was no more than a 10-12 minute walk from the metro.  We were both fuming, me at her refusal to meet at the metro, and her at thinking it was easy to find the park entrance. 

Her English wasn't great but good enough to communicate.  It was more the attitude of her not compromising on figuring out a solution. 
At least she waited for me but it was one of the most silent walks I've ever had!   
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 10:05:23 PM by Sting23 »

 

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