Online Dating Multiple Women

[Surfer]

Hi All,

I wanted to know your thoughts on online dating multiple women. Firstly, I am using online dating to find the right woman for me for marriage.

I use EM. I get to know a few girls. Now, I begin to exchange emails and have Skype calls. And let's say, there are 2 or 3 girls with whom I feel connected and I feel that they could be marriage material. However, as you know, only meeting in real life will confirm everything.

Now, once you make your intentions clear to them that you will come there and meet them after you feel confident that you like them. They would now expect daily conversations. Going and meeting them in real life would take at least a month because of visa and travel arrangements.

So, do you do the same as well? Do you talk to multiple women through these dating/marriage sites before you actually meet them in real life?

On one hand, I feel that unless you have met anyone in real life and actually got intimate in real life, it should be okay to continue dating others.

On the other hand, I feel that each woman I am talking to would expect me not to be talking to other women at the same time. In fact one of the girls during conversation was even telling me that she is a jealous person and she should be the only woman for her man. I know that this would apply only once I am in a relationship with her.

Even in the past, while talking to few FSU women, I have observed that they expect exclusivity even during the online dating phase.

Since I am a loyal person, I can understand the need for exclusivity. However, I also want to be careful at the same time because I will be traveling all the way to another country to meet a woman. If it works out in real life, then all good. But if not, then I would have to return and start my search all over again. But if I was talking to multiple girls, then I could just come back and resume conversations with others.

[DaveNY]

Even in the past, while talking to few FSU women, I have observed that they expect exclusivity even during the online dating phase.

Surfer you can bet that any woman you're talking to on EM, even if you've been doing it daily for a month, is dating locally. Doesn't matter if it's Moscow, Kiev or Minsk. There are no shortage of men to chase a 20 something FSUW.

If a woman on EM says she's not dating locally after talking to you for a month and you've never met her she's lying. Big red flag. Move on.

[ML]

All women (and men) would hope that the person they are trying to get to know and meet is not, at the same time, doing the same with other persons.

Then it can be broken down to (1) those who are realistic about it, and will not terminate the budding relationship over the issue, and (2) those who are living in dream world without any consideration for the tremendous risk the other party faces in doing a one-off on the other side of the world.

Generally speaking, the older the person, the more realistic and understanding they are about this issue.

I had very little trouble doing WMVM several times in several different cities.
I encountered very few women who pressed the issue and stated flatly that they would never meet if I were also meeting other women.
But, I never talked about other women to any of them whether in electronic or face to face conversations.

There is also another issue aside from how the women would accept such a beginning.
That is . . . can the man actually plan and carry out a visit to meet many women.
Not many men can do it.

Those who can't . . . will put forth 'Holier than thou' wording why WMVM should not be done.

[msmob]

All women (and men) would hope that the person they are trying to get to know and meet is not, at the same time, doing the same with other persons.

Then it can be broken down to (1) those who are realistic about it, and will not terminate the budding relationship over the issue, and (2) those who are living in dream world without any consideration for the tremendous risk the other party faces in doing a one-off on the other side of the world.

Generally speaking, the older the person, the more realistic and understanding they are about this issue.

I had very little trouble doing WMVM several times in several different cities.
I encountered very few women who pressed the issue and stated flatly that they would never meet if I were also meeting other women.
But, I never talked about other women to any of them whether in electronic or face to face conversations.

There is also another issue aside from how the women would accept such a beginning.
That is . . . can the man actually plan and carry out a visit to meet many women.
Not many men can do it.

Those who can't . . . will put forth 'Holier than thou' wording why WMVM should not be done.

Sighs, ( the flip side)

This old git has consistently pointed out that he readily admits to sensory overload having tried WMVM trips..  It is impossible to meet so many ladies in a short time and be objective.

If a lady exclude you because it appears you might be a player - she's probably right ! 

[BillyB]

Do you talk to multiple women through these dating/marriage sites before you actually meet them in real life?

I sent out over introductory letters/messages to over 10,000 women. I knew I was going to find a high quality woman who was thrilled to find me. If I wrote and focused on one woman at a time, I would be like most men who entered this endeavor and that is not successful. If I had to do this over, I'd be 100% successful finding a woman that is going to blow people's minds.

Since I am a loyal person, I can understand the need for exclusivity.

When communicating with women, being loyal too early is a sign of being desperate or mentally unstable. I've had women tell me if I'm going to communicate with them, I better only communicate with them although we've never met or made an agreement to be exclusive. I ask those women if they are ready to get married and devote their life to me right now without ever having met. They say "no". Of course they like to keep their options open and saying yes would mean they're crazy. You being loyal to someone you never met is crazy. Don't do crazy.

If a lady exclude you because it appears you might be a player - she's probably right ! 

I've dated a lot of women. When I broke up with them, some accused me of being a player. Doesn't mean it's true and doesn't hurt my feelings. They couldn't accept the fact we weren't meant for each other. I can only marry one woman but men need to date a lot before finding that one woman.

[Trenchcoat]

Surfer in the UK on Match or POF if the guy asked the girl for exclusivity whilst just at the messaging stage do you think it would work? Lol very unlikely, they know they have the monopoly and would be damned if they would give it up. These women are essentially asking you to give up your monopoly on a country where the man has the monopoly so it works in their favour not yours.

Unless you are real slack in what you say they won't have a clue that you are messaging other women. Now I don't know what your day is like but if you have work to do or errands to run even without much of a social life 2-3 girls messaging a lot will push you, probably about the limit I would say unless you don't need to go to work that is. Sometimes even keeping up messaging 1 is an ask. That's the one of the ways she might catch on if there is a lag between messages particularly if it happens often. A lag of a day or two is fine, more than that and she'll start to winder why I think. A lag of a week and odds are she'll take it ax she's not high up your pecking order and she'll most likely communicate with a guy that is.

That's why what you are doing is most likely to end up a visit one unless you don't need to work as you'll end up prioritzing the one girl, the one that comes across as best to you. That's how it happened with me. Of course you can go and they can be nothing on meeting, it's pot luck so essentially still a blind date.

What I've learnt from my experiences is that don't be too suckered in my this whole you must only chase one girl nonsense. A visit one is fine to start off on though to ease you into it, but being prepared with back ups and arranging your visit so you can blow the girl off I think is the more expedient way to go after your first visit one. Sticking with the same girl on the first trip is not bad even if there is no chemistry if she is friendly enough. She'll be able to aclimatise you to the FSU scene ease the culture shock and act as a cheap tour guide

I think at Dave said a 20 something girl will dare locally or at least be up for it unless she is real geeky or ugly or something. They know the dating market is not in their favour so they are not going to be wasting time pinning their hopes to some guy online, the more time that passes for them the less likely they will be married off & the greater the risk they will be stuck on the shelf. By the age of 25 most girls want to be married there or it is not looking good for her. By the time they are 30 then at that that age they may not be dating anyone locally. The first girl I met out there was around 30, I got the impression she did activities like rock climbing, yoga, etc anything she could to meet people but stuff at which she could take enjoyment whole doin it so if there was nobody for her she at least enjoyed herself.

Kyn did it quite a good way on doing a series of visit ones together, but even there the ones he spent less time on seem to have been a mistake for him. So in the end it was the girl he spent most time on and interested him the most where it all happened for him. So doing due diligence and getting to know girls well is difficult online with more than one girl I would say. As far as her wanting to restrict you I say b*llocks to it, if you turn up and there is no chemistry and it is easy for them to ditch you they will feel no obligation to you, lol, that will all go out the window straight away as far as she is concerned.

[Boethius]

Surfer, FSUW will almost always know if you are in contact with other women.  So if that is your preferred method, that's fine, just don't lie about it.

[msmob]

they know they have the monopoly and would be damned if they would give it up. These women are essentially asking you to give up your monopoly on a country where the man has the monopoly so it works in their favour not yours.

Can you please explain this 'monopoly theory'  ( in either the UK or FSU ) ?

You're BSing - AGAIN

[Boethius]

It's not so much BS'g as (a) cluelessness; and (b) ingrained misogyny.

[Trenchcoat]

Sighs, ( the flip side)

This old git has consistently pointed out that he readily admits to sensory overload having tried WMVM trips..  It is impossible to meet so many ladies in a short time and be objective.

If a lady exclude you because it appears you might be a player - she's probably right !

...and right on cue, you were saying about the 'holier than thou' ML lol

[msmob]

...and right on cue, you were saying about the 'holier than thou' ML lol

I bow to your considerable 'expertise' on these matters ...

[Trenchcoat]

Surfer, I think you are a bit like me when I started out in this venture. It takes a little while to get your head around it all. Asking lots of questions on here I found helped a lot. Unfortunately I find English women often make us guys very impoverished in terms of knowing much about dating at all, never mind FSU dating, they really are atrocious. The FSU dating scene really is a ray of hope

[msmob]

Surfer, I think you are a bit like me when I started out in this venture. It takes a little while to get your head around it all. Asking lots of questions on here I found helped a lot. Unfortunately I find English women often make us guys very impoverished in terms of knowing much about dating at all, never mind FSU dating, they really are atrocious. The FSU dating scene really is a ray of hope

Surfer, PLE_ease don't pay any attention to our Trench - other than do the opposite of what he says ! 

As we see on here - one eth FSU lady had already 'spotted his qualities'

[CaptB]

Got to agree with ML & Boethius on this issue. Of course my experiences were over 15+ years ago.....prior to widespread use of Skype (and newer derivatives). Back then.....as now......I believe guys wait too long to make a visit to the FSU. My first experience was with an agency. I sent 16 letters (you remember letters? Made from paper and a stamp?) Took about 2 1/2 to 3 weeks to get to Tver, Russia. I did this about 8 weeks before leaving on my first trip. Enough time to get replies from 14 out of the 16 RW that I wrote to. Back then Lifetime Partners would send you videos each month as part of your membership. My friend an I would watch the videos.....and I would match them up with the reply letters I received from the 14 RW. I believe when I told them that I was coming in 8 weeks to visit their city.......in my initial letter of contact.....I believe that put at the top of ......."their" list. Not a keyboard romeo stringing them along for 6, 12, 18+ months.......and then not even visit. Because this was "agency".......the RW knew the score.........that most guys were meeting several women. The guys (who were realistic) also knew that most of the women were either dating locally and or multiple foreign guys. You can probably learn more in a day or two of actual face-to-face time.......then long periods of e-mail writing or Skype.


I was lucky. My wife taught English for over a dozen years before we met. We had daily phone conversations for 1/2 to 1 hour .....or so. In my case I felt visiting many RW ........with the luxury of a neutral meeting place (the agency) was a real advantage. Then if I hit it off with an RW.......we could schedule another date. I think the agency situation really worked for many of the RW....also. They got to meet many guys......increasing their odds of finding a suitable match.


"Can a man actually plan and carry out a visit to meet many women. Not many men can do it."  ML


In todays climate (not using an agency)......it is more difficult. But if you keep initial communication time short.......and no one gets too attached (before meeting face-to-face)
I believe it can be done.


Capt B

[msmob]

In todays climate (not using an agency)......it is more difficult. But if you keep initial communication time short.......and no one gets too attached (before meeting face-to-face)
I believe it can be done.

It CAN be done, but what's the point ? That makes one's trip closer to series of blind dates

Naturally, I realise there is no 'right' way - just what's been 'right for you' - but I think lots of guys kid themselves that they can rationalise after meeting so many potential partners - so close together.   

I prefered to use video chat aids to whittle down those who one might want to see, and choose the lass - not the location. If done with the right attitude from both parties - if it doesn't work out - it doesn't preclude a plan B ... You're just less likely to NEED one.

[civi68]

Everyone gave good advice. Just don't discuss too much and go into a lot of detail about other women. Say something like you receive other letters but nothing serious. If some break it off because of that, move on to the next. Now, once you meet them in person and both of you want to pursue a relationship, all bets are off. Women have concern that the men won't actually meet them after months of writing. Due to distances between women, what ends up happening is guys tell the girl he can't meet them because he had to choose where to go for his favorite one.
    A few years ago, I met several women in Moscow from an online site. One didn't like me meeting other women and broke it off. I met the others. I was glad I didn't just meet one because if I only met one, one ended up being married and one was crazy. Imagine if I didn't have any other choices? It would have been a wasted 4 weeks.

    What I do is stick to a particular country at any one time of writing letters so there is a reasonable chance that I may meet some of these women. You may also find that some women you felt good about drop off for whatever reason. Video chatting is also important and if I will travel to a particular city just to meet a woman, there needs to be something more than letter writing.
     I started this adventure back in the 90's with the socials/agencies and limited internet. Back then, it was endless first dates with your head spinning and some women not that interested but willing to show up for a meal or something to do. Emails and video chats are a great way to avoid wasting a lot of time in country with women who end up not that interested in you or you in them. At least a woman that sends you messages and video talks is devoting some time to this venture.

[msmob]

    A few years ago, I met several women in Moscow from an online site. One didn't like me meeting other women and broke it off. I met the others. I was glad I didn't just meet one because if I only met one, one ended up being married and one was crazy. Imagine if I didn't have any other choices? It would have been a wasted 4 weeks.

As Beel found.. ending up in a city and finding your date / dates don't pan out can lead to finding Mrs Right ...!

     I started this adventure back in the 90's ...

and are STILL looking - yet refer to 'success' in previous posts ?

[2tallbill]

I had very little trouble doing WMVM several times in several different cities.
I encountered very few women who pressed the issue and stated flatly that they would never meet if I were also meeting other women.
But, I never talked about other women to any of them whether in electronic or face to face conversations.

If you had spent 3-6 months writing/Skyping with these women daily then
you would have had problems. While your WMVM tactics are different than
mine you would have never written that many letters to women that you've
never met.

The guys who write for months and months with multiple women with the
intention of meeting all of them in my opinion are doing it wrong.

Guys who want to learn My theories and ML's theories spelled out in detail
should go to this thread and read them.

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=14615.0

[2tallbill]

So, do you do the same as well? Do you talk to multiple women through these dating/marriage sites before you actually meet them in real life?

I've written to thousands and thousands of girls. Yes, even the visit one types
will advocate writing to many women, then sift through the girls that answer
and distill the list down to one person, then meet her. That's the visit one
strategy. It's the high risk/high reward strategy. If you decide to use this
strategy you need to have a backup plan.

If you want to want to write many women and visit all of them you will
find that the girls that you like the best are scattered all over the place.
It's very difficult to meet one girl in Tomsk, another in Dnepropetrovsk
and a third in Almaty. I don't know if I could figure it out and I've been
to the FSU many times.

If you are going to meet one girl do it as described above with a backup
plan.

If you are going to meet several girls, then you pick a place, not a girl.
ten days before you are going to visit that place, write a hundred girls
who you like the looks of and ask them to meet you for tea. You exchange
as few letters as possible and set up a time to meet them in person.

read about how to get started here
http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=14615.0

[BillyB]

My first experience was with an agency. I sent 16 letters (you remember letters? Made from paper and a stamp?) Took about 2 1/2 to 3 weeks to get to Tver, Russia.

I actually sent out a few snail mail letters myself. I can't remember where or how I got the addresses but one teacher in Ukraine sent a snail mail letter back to me. She didn't leave her number or email and communications with ladies on the internet were happening fast so there was no chance to get to know her fast enough for me to make a decision to visit her over the other girls who's using email. Moral of the story is those who are able to get things done faster have a better chance for success over those who move at a snail's pace.

[msmob]

I've written to thousands and thousands of girls. Yes, even the visit one types
will advocate writing to many women, then sift through the girls that answer
and distill the list down to one person, then meet her. That's the visit one
strategy. It's the high risk/high reward strategy. If you decide to use this
strategy you need to have a backup plan.

No, No, No !

MY experience is that WMVM is the high risk / high stress strategy ... this is supposed to be FUN .. not walking a tight rope..

With the advent of video chat for most of us - the risk is virtually eliminated

I did not have a 'plan B' - never even dreamt of it

[Trenchcoat]

I think Bill means the high risk being you get there and find out there's no chemistry. If your happy to make another friend to spend some time with that's fine but it's earing up a lot of time that could be spent finding someone there is chemistry with.

The high reward I believe is if there is chemistry then a lot of the initial getting to know each other has been done so that hurdle is out the way.

I much admire Bill's strategy of lining up a visit one then ditching her as soon as it became apparent that she was not the girl for him/nothing there. Then call up other girls on the hoof to make a go of the journey. It has an efficient ruthlessness to it but one that I can now see would work in the FSU as it's a bit like their whole direct way about doing things. I'm no employing that strategy this time out and I'll explain why shortly in my trip report

[msmob]

I think Bill means the high risk being you get there and find out there's no chemistry.

..my point being I've not encountered this - given who I visited - we felt we knew each other - and so it proved !

The high reward I believe is if there is chemistry then a lot of the initial getting to know each other has been done so that hurdle is out the way.

Quite... if you trust your instincts - there isn't a risk...

I much admire Bill's strategy of lining up a visit one then ditching her as soon as it became apparent that she was not the girl for him/nothing there. Then call up other girls on the hoof to make a go of the journey. It has an efficient ruthlessness to it but one that I can now see would work in the FSU as it's a bit like their whole direct way about doing things. I'm no employing that strategy this time out and I'll explain why shortly in my trip report

Whilst I have every respect for Beel - I wouldn't describe it as 'ruthless' ...  WHAT is the point of hanging around with someone with whom you have no future on a time limited trip ?

I should point out I know of long-standing marriages 10 years and counting - when a RU lady met an Aussie chap and didn't fancy him, but resolved to be polite - as he had come such a long way... ( Siberia )   By the end of 10 days - she was heart-broken to be parted from him and the rest is history.

[Surfer]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts, it is really helpful for me. Appreciate it.

I agree with @msmob. Video chats can help to decide if I'll connect with a girl or not in real life. It also helps to understand not only my interest in the woman but also her interest in me. Which is important too. So, with sufficient time, I think it's possible to find the right woman and visit to meet only her. This helps in making a better decision rather than meeting several for only a few days and then making a quick decision.

I also like the other strategy to start writing several girls a month before the trip. Then identify around 2 or 3 with whom I feel things can work out in real life. And then meet them. I actually should have done this before.

[Surfer]

I wanted to share some more details which I initially did not.

If we are talking about girls on EM, I agree that these girls would understand that I'm talking to multiple at the same time. Also, I prefer to use the approach of having sufficient video calls to decide which girl is suitable for me. Then go and meet only her.

However, there is one more detail. I have known a girl (age: will be 28 years soon) for around 5 months through VK. She is from Donetsk. Until April, this year, she was living in Donetsk which made it not possible for us to meet. Also, we started communicating as friends and I told her that I like her more than as a friend somewhere around 4 months ago. Initially, she said we are just friends but within a month's time she began to get closer and then expressed interest as well. She however believes that two people should know each other well before getting into any relation. So, when I suggested her to meet, she asked for some time because she was moving from Donetsk to another city. Now that she is in the new city, she wanted to know if I'm still interested to meet.

She had been searching for a new job. The new job schedule for her is quite hectic and she says she would not get sufficient time to spend with me even if I were to come. She herself told me recently that she is trying to sort out her schedule and then she would discuss with me further.

Now, here's the thing. I was not sure when and how soon I will meet her. I haven't met her in real life and she herself said that final decisions are made in real life. She explicitly mentioned to me that she is not getting into relation with any other man at this point because she is interested in me and waiting for our meeting. A couple of times she even mentioned and showed me examples of men from her office who would send her flowers to propose her. However, she would not allow them near her because she said she's interested in me. She did this whenever I questioned her if she was serious enough to meet or not. She shows a lot of interest in me and whenever I ask her to have a call with me, she is ready for it.

The only problem is, this has been going on for a couple of months now.

Recently I thought of writing to more girls on EM and found a few who I think were marriage material. The thing I like about meetings girls through sites like EM is that the intentions are clear. I am there to find a woman for marriage and even the other woman is searching for someone for marriage. So, things move faster and not a lot of time is spent on romancing or talking over Internet.

I found one woman (age: 29 years) through EM who seems sweet and stable. She also appears quite interested in me and already asked me if I am planning to come to Moscow anytime soon.

Now, I'm confused. Because the Donetsk girl messages me daily, her messages are quite intimate. I sometimes feel a bit guilty that I am talking to Donetsk girl and the other woman from EM at the same time.

The Donetsk girl prefers to take things slow and her reasoning is that a lot of people quickly get into relationships and then marry, later on they divorce. She has had a difficult childhood where her father left her mother when she was just 4 years old. After seeing so many divorces around her, she wants to take things slowly so that she knows the other person well.

I just want to be careful because I have not yet met the Donetsk girl in real life although we have had like 100s of video call conversations, daily messaging and a lot of intimate messages exchanged.

And on the other hand, the sweet and stable girl I have known through EM, I feel like she is a good marriage material.

That's why I am confused.