Yesterday I noticed a photo from the RWD Gallery that was new to me. I clicked on it and landed on a photo from an RWD member who has never posted anything and as best I can tell, only contributed the one photo. It was a nice photo - nothing in particular to draw my attention to it - only that I had never seen it before and did not recognize the member. When I viewed the profile I noticed the signature. It was one that I am familiar with having used it here at RWD a very long time ago when the topic of defining "love" came up. I want to cite it here, and then I want to offer some interpretation and challenge to our members. Here we go:
Who do YOU Love?
Whether or not you are Christian or Muslim or Buddhist or agnostic/atheist, most would agree that this definition from I Corinthians 13:4 offers a very nice definition of what love is - and what love is not:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Love is patient. Is it? Have YOU demonstrated patience toward someone whom you love today?
Love is kind. What does "kind" really mean? How is it demonstrated or actioned?
Love does not envy. Have you ever felt envious of your spouse, your parents, others in your immediate family? Something as seemingly innocuous as "I wish I had it as easy as xxxxxxx does" qualifies.
Love does not boast. Do you ever find yourself proclaiming to your spouse/fiance(e) about how much you have accomplished or the esteem awarded you by your profession - or how much money you have - or [the list of topics is long] ?
Love is not proud. Pride in another is often a positive. I am proud of my children when they accomplish something they established as goals and especially when they achieve beyond their expectations. Pride in one-self is often NOT a positive.
Love is not rude. Actions of rudeness are varied and subtle. It is rude to walk away from someone in the midst of a conversation. It is rude to dismiss or diminish another's legitimate and sincere expression of feelings. It is rude to roll your eyes when you do not agree or do not accept another's opinion. It is rude to make use of intonation or word construction intended to demonstrate disagreement - if you disagree, simply state it. When was the last time you were rude with someone you purport to love - a spouse, a child, a parent? For me, it was yesterday - and today has only begun, so it was very recent - AND - it happens more often than I care to admit. Always in subtleties. I guess I decided it was clever to dismiss/diminish in small [dot]almost[/dot] unnoticeable ways - but they ARE noticed, and it DOES have an effect, and it is never a good one, and I am to blame. Are you?
Love is not self-seeking. What does that mean, exactly, to be "self-seeking" and how do I insure I do not do it? For me, it means to put myself aside for the benefit of those whom I love. When I love my son, it means that I will put aside my wants (sometimes even needs) so that his are met. I confess to a significant degree of "self-seeking" and a struggle to keep it in balance.
Love is not easily angered. And yet I have occasions where I 'flash' and something hits a nerve and I am quick to snap at Olya. That is not an act of love. It is an act borne of self-interest - focusing on me and not on the person whom I love. Most of the time anger comes slowly and is the result of things building-up, but not always.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. This one is REALLY important to me as it affirms something I have explained and defended over the years. I recall reading a famous psychologist (maybe Eric Berne?) that some people engage in a behavior he called "collecting coupons." For those who remember the heyday of the cigarettes in this country, many of the brands used to include a coupon with each pack and a person could collect them until they had a sufficient number to redeem them for the award of their choosing. Have you ever known anyone who could recall that small (in your mind it was small anyway) aggravation like leaving the toilet seat up at night or the top of the toothpaste off so it dried out - and they said nothing of it till weeks or months later. And when they DID recall that incident, then a bunch of other incidents start rolling out. THAT is coupon collection and they are intent on redeeming those coupons right then and there. This is particularly frustrating for me because I have a very strong tendency to just forget (literally) little incidents and I have only a vague recollection of past incidents - unless, of course, it was VERY major. As a result, when the other party starts their coupon redemption process, I have little or nothing to offer as a counter. A couple of times I even resorted to keeping a log - and this worked, but the process was too negative for me so I quickly abandoned it. Point is - even though I have nothing to counter when a coupon collector wants to redeem all the perceived sleights, I now feel vindicated in the knowledge that I do not keep count - and never will. Love keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil. One of my favorite authors is the now deceased M. Scott Peck. Besides the book he is best known for,
The Road Less Traveled, he also wrote a less-known book entitled
People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil - a fascinating study of the sources and manifestations of human evil. The fact is, genuine evil is all around us. It affects us each and every day. While not the call to action of Edmund Burke's famous quote ("all that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing"), the message is clear. Evil surrounds us and it cannot be avoided or ignored. Love takes no delight nor any joy in evil's actions or even existence. Love is bereft of ANYTHING positive in connection to human evil.
Love rejoices with the truth. At the other end of the spectrum of love's treatment of human evil is love's celebration of truth. Reveling in those instances when the truth is found or even pursued honestly and with vigor and with the objective to seek and find the truth.
This reminds me of a topic that bothered me for a long while. Have any of you ever chosen to WITHHOLD the truth from someone you love? The stereotypical example is the one in which a wife asks her husband if she looks good in her clothing (after having put on a few pounds) and YOUR answer is ??
This very action of withholding truth from another is one of the chapters in Peck's book,
The Road Less Traveled. In it he offers these 'Rules' to follow:
Rules Dedicated to TRUTH
First, never speak falsehood.
Second, bear in mind that the act of withholding the truth is always potentially a lie, and that in each instance in which the truth is withheld a significant moral decision is required.
Third, the decision to withhold the truth should never be based on personal needs, such as a need or power, a need to be liked, or a need to protect one's map from challenge.
Fourth, and conversely, the decision to withhold the truth must always be based entirely upon the needs of the person or people from whom the truth is being withheld.
Fifth, the assessment of another's needs is an act of responsibility which is so complex that it can only be executed wisely when one operates with genuine love for the other.[Note: Love and Truth - seemingly inextricably intertwined]
Sixth, the primary factor in the assessment of another's needs is the assessment of that person's capacity to utilize the truth for his or her own spiritual growth.
Finally, in assessing the capacity of another to utilize the truth for personal spiritual growth, it should be borne in mind that our tendency is generally to underestimate rather than overestimate this capacity.
So what about YOU? Am I the only one who feels some guilt over failing to be truthful with those whom I love?
Love always protects. And not only physical protection. I count on my wife to protect our family from all sorts of threats - as she counts on me for the same. Some of those threats are physical. Other threats emanate from numerous sources. There are financial threats, legal threats, of course there are physical threats. But what of other threats - such as the threat of infidelity or the threat of abandonment or ?? Are you taking steps to protect your loved one from those threats?
Actions that are not aimed at protecting those whom you love are not borne of love and have their sources elsewhere.
Love always trusts. Indeed. Yet, we read of many marriages in which one party decides they need to install a key-logger on the other's computer - or examine their cellphone records, or . . . the list is long. What of the debate over a pre-nuptial agreement? Is that an act of trust? Is it an act of love?
Love always hopes. Hope. Hope that the future will be better than the present. Hope that our children will have a more fulfilling/rewarding life than our own. Hope that we will be together always.
Love always perseveres. This is more difficult, in some cases MUCH more difficult than it may appear. Imagine persevering through adversity. Easy enough. Now imagine that the adversity was one created by the very person you love. A friend of mine has a child (now an adult - but they remain our children forever) who is incarcerated. Imagine loving someone you know to have committed unspeakable deeds. In perseverence is also forgiveness. To allow love to persevere means to be able to forgive. Can you? Have you?
I recall a topic at RWD a very long time ago in which this topic of 'love' was discussed at some length. It is always interesting to gain different perspectives. I am often surprised, and saddened, to learn that some members (too many, IMO) see love in the way of being "in love" - a rather passive and in most instances, shallow, perspective. Love is a verb (or at least it is ALSO a verb). To love means to take action TO LOVE.
The challenge today (and tomorrow - and beyond) is to ask yourself; "Have I acted (that is - taken ACTION) on my belief of the definition and characteristics of love?" Develop a different set if you do not like the ones above - but above all, if you are not actioning those, I suggest you do as I plan to do today and:
Go LOVE ON your wife / husband / fiance(e).
Go and LOVE ON your children.
Make certain your parents (if they are still around for you to tell/show them) know your deep and abiding LOVE for them - through your ACTIONS.
Do not restrict it to family. Most, or all, of us have dear friends who may be even closer to us than family. Show them the love you feel through your ACTIONS.
All this from the simple fact I saw a single random and unremarkable photo from a member who has never posted at RWD. Odd, isn't it?!?
- Dan
