Trench's Questions and Philosophies

[krimster2]

BdHvA

I discovered Veerle Baetens when I was in Amsterdam, and the Dutch Country Western music scene
no idea of its existence
not a country western fan except for HER and a few others, her voice is amazing
Dutch speakers have trouble with the English word "gather"
for Germans it's "squirrel"

[Boethius]

Which is?

Not creating a false image.  You have to be who you are. 

[pitbull]

Trenchcoat, You could not follow an IKEA instructions booklet in a flat pack.

Dear Trench I am more or less convinced you have some autistic spectrum issue. This does make your search is impossible but you need to understand both the challenges and ramifications. In fact beginning a relationship will be a challenge because women in the fSU will not understand your issues. Add to this a parenting issue on your side that failed you miserably.

Certainly based on your prior interactions and perceptions you are socially deficient by any average metric. Perhaps close to home are 'coaches' who can assist you, the problem will be when you translate these skills to the former Soviet Union.

Good Luck!

Totally agree  - Trench is a typical aspie or high functioning autist. It is not only relationships with women and women in general that he "doesn't get" - he does not get relationships with humans, period. Hence his miserable career or rather lack thereof. People skills are extremely important in professional life as well, especially when getting into a management position. I am convinced Trench does not have male friends either or any deep meaningful relationship with a human being really.


He does a desire a woman, but not as a companion, soul mate and a friend - but rather as an object to fulfill his needs, with 3 functions, which comes with a one-page user instruction, like a toaster. This is how non-neurotypical minds work, and this is why even those who have relatively high IQ cannot manage a career or a relationship.

[krimster2]

“Trench is a typical aspie or high functioning autist.”


Pitbull, there is NO such thing as “a typical aspie” we’re ALL different!
I have been in “mixed” therapy sessions over the years and as a result have had a LOT of contact with others “on the spectrum”  every single one had a unique experience

I am not sure if Trench is on the spectrum or not, I don’t know your background, but I’ve had a lot of contact with people on the spectrum, I would ONLY know for sure, if I met him in person, it’s a POSSIBILITY, is all I can say...
and it’s why I want to try and HELP him and not HURT him



“Hence his miserable career or rather lack thereof.”
I used to live and work in “Silicon Valley” which extends from San Francisco to San Jose, CA
you would be surprised how many successful autistic people there are there, Steve Jobs at Apple being just one example, Silicon Valley was/is a magnet for people on the spectrum for obvious reasons, I am fortunate “my talent” and interests led me there, otherwise I would have had Trench’s life

“This is how non-neurotypical minds work, and this is why even those who have relatively high IQ cannot manage a career or a relationship.

Steve Jobs co-founded a trillion dollar company, my highest position was Vice President of Engineering of a Fortune 500 company before I became self-employed, which was obviously a better fit for me, I’ve been successfully/happily married for almost 19 yr, and I have the greatest relationship with my children, would not change a single detail in my family life except I wish it would last longer before my kids leave for school

with the proper support, someone on the spectrum can be just as socially adaptive as someone who isn’t.  there has been TREMENDOUS progress on this since I was a child

so Pitbull, on one hand you seem to have "some" familiarity with the subject, but based on your "attitude" even I can tell you're NOT involved on the therapeutic side
oh wait, forgot you're Russian, sorry, from a Russian perspective, you're freakin Mother Teresa, surprised there isn't a statue to you somewhere there extolling your kindness to others

 

[pitbull]

“Trench is a typical aspie or high functioning autist.”


Pitbull, there is NO such thing as “a typical aspie” we’re ALL different!
I have been in “mixed” therapy sessions over the years and as a result have had a LOT of contact with others “on the spectrum”  every single one had a unique experience

I am not sure if Trench is on the spectrum or not, I don’t know your background, but I’ve had a lot of contact with people on the spectrum, I would ONLY know for sure, if I met him in person, it’s a POSSIBILITY, is all I can say...
and it’s why I want to try and HELP him and not HURT him



“Hence his miserable career or rather lack thereof.”
I used to live and work in “Silicon Valley” which extends from San Francisco to San Jose, CA
you would be surprised how many successful autistic people there are there, Steve Jobs at Apple being just one example, Silicon Valley was/is a magnet for people on the spectrum for obvious reasons, I am fortunate “my talent” and interests led me there, otherwise I would have had Trench’s life

“This is how non-neurotypical minds work, and this is why even those who have relatively high IQ cannot manage a career or a relationship.

Steve Jobs co-founded a trillion dollar company, my highest position was Vice President of Engineering of a Fortune 500 company before I became self-employed, which was obviously a better fit for me, I’ve been successfully/happily married for almost 19 yr, and I have the greatest relationship with my children, would not change a single detail in my family life except I wish it would last longer before my kids leave for school

with the proper support, someone on the spectrum can be just as socially adaptive as someone who isn’t.  there has been TREMENDOUS progress on this since I was a child

so Pitbull, on one hand you seem to have "some" familiarity with the subject, but based on your "attitude" even I can tell you're NOT involved on the therapeutic side
oh wait, forgot you're Russian, sorry, from a Russian perspective, you're freakin Mother Teresa, surprised there isn't a statue to you somewhere there extolling your kindness to others

I have a lot of experience and knowledge in the area, and you might have been misdiagnosed anyway. There are a number of disorders that have some similar traits with autism but are not the same.


Trench's most affected area and utmost deficit lies in the area of social interaction. I do not believe Steve Jobs was officially diagnosed even though he displayed some autistic traits. There is a lot of gray area on the higher end of the spectrum. Anyway he would be an exception. I have seen lot of aspies with higher IQ who could never hold a job or cope with a relationship - this is the norm, not Steve Jobs. Trench has written enough here to see clearly that he is on the spectrum, and has not received therapy.


Oh wait, you are an American, therefore you think you are the best and have the most knowledge by definition, no matter hoe limited and pigheaded.

And please - go tell someone else about your "happy marriage"

[Trenchcoat]

Not creating a false image.  You have to be who you are.

Oh good, I was afraid you were going to say wealthy then

Yeah, that's the thing that I mean with hobbies/interests that I want them to be something that is a part of me not something I did once but don't really have the mprivation for it. So canal boats sounds something more up my street So worth me looking into.

I'm sure you also mean all stuff in my life in general. In all honesty dome of the girls in the past may have got an overstated view off my situation. This was not to deliberately dupe them but because I needed to give a cohesive picture of who I am. I know from what the likes of DK have put here in the past that if you give a fragmented lifestyle it us difficult for the girls to understand or believe who you are. As I'm a guy that is on the move, trying to move forward in life it tends to be difficult to give an overall idea to the girl of who I am without not being totally accurate. I never seek to lie to a girl for the sake of deliberately trying to dupe her into thinking I am someone that I am not even vaguely.

[krimster2]

“I have a lot of experience and knowledge in the area, and you might have been misdiagnosed anyway.”

maybe, the extant of my diagnosis did change from childhood to adulthood, but that was because of the HUGE increase in medical/scientific knowledge in this area, it was very PRIMITIVE when I was a kid.  however I received my diagnosis from 2 psychiatrists, and your qualifications?

I have been diagnosed with Level I, I have met and had friendships with people with Asperger’s both of whom had childhood epilepsy, thankfully not among my symptoms
also one of the people I met in therapy, was a trans-sexual, we explored the connection in therapy between being on the spectrum and being confused about gender, if I hadn’t participated in that, I would never have known about this connection

Level II autism seems like a completely different disease to me, these people truly are disabled

“There are a number of disorders that have some similar traits with autism but are not the same.”

hence the term “spectrum” also autism has many comorbid symptoms, I have the anxiety among other things, I have huge anxiety, I worry about the most ridiculous things and become fixated

the first thing therapy taught me to do was to control my external symptoms, repetitive behaviors, like counting aloud mathematical patterns, I DID NOT know that other people found this annoying, and was disturbed when they would display anger and irritation, I thought that people’s basic nature was meanness, but it’s not, right Pitbull?

I draw as a way of controlling my physical symptoms, as long as I draw pictures, my external symptoms are usually under control, if my family is not around I sometimes “count” and do other things. 

out of my sense of curiosity, how did you acquire your “experience and knowledge”
which gulag was it?

[krimster2]

Trench, please read my post earlier about Ukraine vrs British wife, and your thoughts?

[Trenchcoat]

Trench, please read my post earlier about Ukraine vrs British wife, and your thoughts?

I know British women would have a number of easier stuff to deal with. Every British guy knows that. Hence why there is such heavy competition particularly for the better ones. I'm not a guy who is gifted on social stuff. If one came up who seemed reasonable and into me I would go for her.

The fact of the matter is that there is sooo much competition. Even the girls with numerous mental problems get a fair bit of interest. Match is full of girls with lots of mental problems and fatties and even they are inundated with guys and difficult to get a look in, lol.

I recall someone saying about the situation in the US a few posts back, think it was Davo, that even FSW that are a bit bonkers are still ways better than all the mental issues a lot of US chicks have. Well it's the same here. Even official statistics have noticed the huge rise in mental health problems in British women, way more than men and that is at the sharper end of the scale.  I think there are a lot of mental health problems that are undiagnosed in women and a lot if these show up on dating sites like Match as they struggle in relationships, particularly with men.

[Trenchcoat]

Kind of finding with one girl I have been talking too recently a fair big of apathy about whether it is possible to meet your other half online. I originally took this as she was not that interested in me but seems she had just gotten lathargic of all the messaging plus she doesnt know English well.

[John Gaunt]

I know British women would have a number of easier stuff to deal with. Every British guy knows that. Hence why there is such heavy competition particularly for the better ones. I'm not a guy who is gifted on social stuff. If one came up who seemed reasonable and into me I would go for her.

The fact of the matter is that there is sooo much competition. Even the girls with numerous mental problems get a fair bit of interest. Match is full of girls with lots of mental problems and fatties and even they are inundated with guys and difficult to get a look in, lol.

I recall someone saying about the situation in the US a few posts back, think it was Davo, that even FSW that are a bit bonkers are still ways better than all the mental issues a lot of US chicks have. Well it's the same here. Even official statistics have noticed the huge rise in mental health problems in British women, way more than men and that is at the sharper end of the scale.  I think there are a lot of mental health problems that are undiagnosed in women and a lot if these show up on dating sites like Match as they struggle in relationships, particularly with men.

Uuuuuuuurghh. 

Where to start?
When you write stuff like this it chrystallises the reasons why you won’t succeed with women, not just FSU women.

Ever considered who has the mental issues here, Trench? Cause it isn’t the women......

[GQBlues]

<snip?
saying about the situation in the US a few posts back, think it was Davo, that even FSW that are a bit bonkers are still ways better than all the mental issues a lot of US chicks have. Well it's the same here. Even official statistics have noticed the huge rise in mental health problems in British women, way more than men and that is at the sharper end of the scale.  I think there are a lot of mental health problems that are undiagnosed in women and a lot if these show up on dating sites like Match as they struggle in relationships, particularly with men.

LMAO! I can't help but be reminded of this commercial:

I hope you now see and realize one of the reason why you should spend less time here, and in the internet altogether.

 

[krimster2]

Trench, you will find this in Ukraine as well, PTSD related IMHO

but I think you are VASTLY underestimating the amount of money you need, and maybe are in denial, don't want to think about it
your UA fiancee/spouse will be solely dependent on you for a LONG period of time, A British woman, will likely AT LEAST be your financial equal from DAY ONE

another aspect to consider
I have no idea how the fiancee/marriage visa process works in the UK, but in the USA from the time she sets foot in the USA, they give you a generous 90 days, 90 days!
to see if the two of you want to get married

wouldn't you like to take a LITTLE more time than that before making such a big decision?

I'm going to call your village Whitfield, since it's the only UK village I know well
it'd be REAL difficult for me to find a partner in Whitfield
OTOH, London - no problem, they might as well be two different universes
seriously, why not relocate there

I spent about 20,000 USD on my wedding and that was nearly 20 yr ago, it'd probably be double that today, and it was very modest
I also knew people who did it as cheaply as possible, just went to the courthouse registered for a marriage license and were out 10 min later and paid what maybe $50
guess which "marriage" feels better for the woman, even if it means nothing to you
some women have been fantasizing about this since they were a child
how will your wife feel if she WANTS a nice celebratory wedding something special, but has to settle for a quick trip to the courthouse because of financial constraints
do you think they might feel some disappointment in the courthouse

Trench, EVERYONE has had bad dating experiences, EVERYONE
but don't let it become a way to rationalize that the women there are NO good
i've met women in London I would've happily married, they're there!!!
but as I said, doubt I'd find someone in Whitfield

if you have problems with socializing with women in UK it will also happen with women from Ukraine
it's not all THEM, in America we have an old saying, "it takes two to tango"
at least with UK women you don't have a cultural/language barrier on top

with a UK woman, you can take your time, date, live together and THEN see if you want to get married
do you see what I'm saying

let's pretend for a moment the women were identical in appearance, but one was Ukrainian and one was from London
which one will be less difficult

[John Gaunt]

Trench, you will find this in Ukraine as well, PTSD related IMHO

but I think you are VASTLY underestimating the amount of money you need, and maybe are in denial, don't want to think about it
your UA fiancee/spouse will be solely dependent on you for a LONG period of time, A British woman, will likely AT LEAST be your financial equal from DAY ONE

another aspect to consider
I have no idea how the fiancee/marriage visa process works in the UK, but in the USA from the time she sets foot in the USA, they give you a generous 90 days, 90 days!
to see if the two of you want to get married

wouldn't you like to take a LITTLE more time than that before making such a big decision?

I'm going to call your village Whitfield, since it's the only UK village I know well
it'd be REAL difficult for me to find a partner in Whitfield
OTOH, London - no problem, they might as well be two different universes
seriously, why not relocate there

I spent about 20,000 USD on my wedding and that was nearly 20 yr ago, it'd probably be double that today, and it was very modest
I also knew people who did it as cheaply as possible, just went to the courthouse registered for a marriage license and were out 10 min later and paid what maybe $50
guess which "marriage" feels better for the woman, even if it means nothing to you
some women have been fantasizing about this since they were a child
how will your wife feel if she WANTS a nice celebratory wedding something special, but has to settle for a quick trip to the courthouse because of financial constraints
do you think they might feel some disappointment in the courthouse

Trench, EVERYONE has had bad dating experiences, EVERYONE
but don't let it become a way to rationalize that the women there are NO good
i've met women in London I would've happily married, they're there!!!
but as I said, doubt I'd find someone in Whitfield

if you have problems with socializing with women in UK it will also happen with women from Ukraine
it's not all THEM, in America we have an old saying, "it takes two to tango"
at least with UK women you don't have a cultural/language barrier on top

with a UK woman, you can take your time, date, live together and THEN see if you want to get married
do you see what I'm saying

let's pretend for a moment the women were identical in appearance, but one was Ukrainian and one was from London
which one will be less difficult

You’re wasting your time, Krim. Trench is fixated on FSU women. He thinks they’re the answer to his problems, he’ll be able to control them, won’t cost him much, pop out a sprog or two on demand, be his personal washerupcookercleanerupbedroomslave...you get the picture.

[krimster2]

I WAS like him
only saw my error afterwards

I can only TRY to help him
maybe later he will think about it
and have his moment of Zen

whenever, I meet a man on the road
and that man is in trouble
then that man becomes my brother

[John Gaunt]

I WAS like him
only saw my error afterwards

I can only TRY to help him
maybe later he will think about it
and have his moment of Zen

whenever, I meet a man on the road
and that man is in trouble
then that man becomes my brother

Trench isn’t in trouble...he is trouble.

[Trenchcoat]

Trench, you will find this in Ukraine as well, PTSD related IMHO

but I think you are VASTLY underestimating the amount of money you need, and maybe are in denial, don't want to think about it
your UA fiancee/spouse will be solely dependent on you for a LONG period of time, A British woman, will likely AT LEAST be your financial equal from DAY ONE

another aspect to consider
I have no idea how the fiancee/marriage visa process works in the UK, but in the USA from the time she sets foot in the USA, they give you a generous 90 days, 90 days!
to see if the two of you want to get married

wouldn't you like to take a LITTLE more time than that before making such a big decision?

I'm going to call your village Whitfield, since it's the only UK village I know well
it'd be REAL difficult for me to find a partner in Whitfield
OTOH, London - no problem, they might as well be two different universes
seriously, why not relocate there

I spent about 20,000 USD on my wedding and that was nearly 20 yr ago, it'd probably be double that today, and it was very modest
I also knew people who did it as cheaply as possible, just went to the courthouse registered for a marriage license and were out 10 min later and paid what maybe $50
guess which "marriage" feels better for the woman, even if it means nothing to you
some women have been fantasizing about this since they were a child
how will your wife feel if she WANTS a nice celebratory wedding something special, but has to settle for a quick trip to the courthouse because of financial constraints
do you think they might feel some disappointment in the courthouse

Trench, EVERYONE has had bad dating experiences, EVERYONE
but don't let it become a way to rationalize that the women there are NO good
i've met women in London I would've happily married, they're there!!!
but as I said, doubt I'd find someone in Whitfield

if you have problems with socializing with women in UK it will also happen with women from Ukraine
it's not all THEM, in America we have an old saying, "it takes two to tango"
at least with UK women you don't have a cultural/language barrier on top

with a UK woman, you can take your time, date, live together and THEN see if you want to get married
do you see what I'm saying

let's pretend for a moment the women were identical in appearance, but one was Ukrainian and one was from London
which one will be less difficult

Yes a British girl would be my financial equal, could have time to date and get to know each other better - but that is looking at the practicalast positives. The quality of the girl on offer unless you are real lucky is poor. If a guy chose wisely and was able to get a girl while young in his mid to late teens & early twenties then he could have a good one. What us left by the time a guy reaches his thirties well on the internet is not good. On stuff like speed dating the quality appears better 'but' those girls are their because they are too picky on not compromisin on what they as looking for. Most want a real socially able guy hence why most of the time usually none of thd guys gets picked.

Practicalities of dating abroad I can get around, particularly now that I am more familiar with the nature of the beast. Some stuff that may appear disadvantages on dating a foreign girl can actually turn out to be an advantage to me.

Here in the UK there are now many options with weddings, you don't have to go for a registry office or a church, you also don't need an after ceremony big nosh up. When my sister got married second time around she had just the very immediate family and if anything it was way better than the big nosh up with circa 70 odd guests she had first time around. Everyone enjoyed it more, could relax more and it costed a lot less. Still a nice venue but much more personal affair. A lot of the trouble is in the west we have been rolled into have a big state wedding every time someone gets married, it not needed. By the end of the day the wedding couple are exhausted and many account too tired to even have sex on their wedding night. I don't see the point on wasting a ton of money on just a one day event just because society has socialised people to do this. Many I think now are turning towards more personal affairs at a reasonable cost and still getting a decent quality wedding out of it. It really doesn't have to cost 20k to avoid a bland boring courthouse or registery office and have a nice post ceremony celebration some where nice on a small scale.

[BC]

I don't see the point on wasting a ton of money on just a one day event just because society has socialised people to do this. Many I think now are turning towards more personal affairs at a reasonable cost and still getting a decent quality wedding out of it. It really doesn't have to cost 20k to avoid a bland boring courthouse or registery office and have a nice post ceremony celebration some where nice on a small scale.

Been to a FSU wedding?

[Trenchcoat]

Been to a FSU wedding?

No I've heard this and that. Generally that it's a good idea to get married in the FSU as weddings can be had at a bargain price in most instances. So yes you could have a wedding there for let's say 5k that would cost 20k here. Krimster J assume was talking a boutique a western wedding which can be a bug profiteerin exercise mostly by grand hotels.

[krimster2]

Trench

as I said earlier, “we all date aspirationally”, and desire someone, “out of our league”
I think you need to stop thinking this way and be “realistic”

I put the part about the wedding to illustrate just one of many possible costs that you will incur once you “found somone”

money wan’t a major issue for me when I was single, I never spent a lot of money on myself, I was unusually frugal compared to my peers, but I had to change my savings habits and learn not to swallow hard when my wife “needed” money for clothes, money for school, money for her family, money for ...”  you get my point

the biggest fear I’ve had about being a husband or father, is “disappointing” my family in some way, if my wife EVER had to accept something “lesser” that it might lead to her to feeling disappointed, this would DESTROY me

I have a lot of anxiety about disappointing my wife or children
I think, deep down, that I feel that I don’t deserve someone like my wife, I admire her more than I admire ANY other human being I ever met
I am so afraid that one day she is going to think that I’m not good enough for her
and if I ever produce some major disappointment, then THAT will be the day
have you ever had this feeling Trench?

you are totally discounting the financial aspect of this, and I think it IS an insurmountable obstacle, I hope you see it NOW, before it leads to a “crack-up” money being #1 cause of divorce, etc

I just don’t see you being successful in the kind of relationship where your spouse is going to be 100% dependent on you and EXPECTS to have a more or less conventional/normal relationship without her feeling some measure of disappointment

instead of reaching for the stars Trench, stay closer to Earth

in America we have a saying, “two can live as cheaply as one”, find a roommate with benefits and THEN tie the knot

I think you will be better off with someone with a similar background as you
as shakespeare said, “above all to thy ownself be true”
this has many meanings for you Trench

[JayH]

Been to a FSU wedding?

 


BC -- you have been absent in threads for much of the TC ignorance --  and you only need to read his reply to your post to see that he simply does not "get" any of this !

[krimster2]

Been to a FSU wedding?

weirdest one I ever went to was the one when they were collecting the “dowry” or cash wedding gifts which was being collected in a paper bag in the front of the church, when suddenly, from out of nowhere, the mother-in-law does a “tight-end” full run, grabs the bag of money and heads full speed out the door!!
half the church heads out in pursuit, they finally catch up with her give her a flying tackle and retrieve the money, the whole time I’m standing there with my mouth hanging open
it went down hill from there
ahhh good times

[Boethius]

The cash is not a dowry. It’s still common at Ukrainian weddings in the West, as well. But that’s a funny story. MIL probably didn’t like the bride.

[Trenchcoat]

Been to a FSU wedding?

weirdest one I ever went to was the one when they were collecting the “dowry” or cash wedding gifts which was being collected in a paper bag in the front of the church, when suddenly, from out of nowhere, the mother-in-law does a “tight-end” full run, grabs the bag of money and heads full speed out the door!!
half the church heads out in pursuit, they finally catch up with her give her a flying tackle and retrieve the money, the whole time I’m standing there with my mouth hanging open
it went down hill from there
ahhh good times

That's a pretty hilarious story Krimster I was LMAO

Yeah, I'm coming to learn that the FSU is a pretty wacked out sort of place at times. Same with the way FSW can behave in a wacked out sort of way. I've kind of decided now not to care too much when bizzare stuff occurs. In a way 'expect the unexpected' as the saying goes.

[krimster2]

hey BO

yeah, I never heard the russian word for this
have seen this tradition in greek weddings as well

sometimes truly weird things happen there