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Author Topic: Selection Bias and Married Life....  (Read 3259 times)

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Offline Todd

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Selection Bias and Married Life....
« on: October 28, 2014, 09:45:56 PM »
Hi All,


I have not posted to this site in about 5 years.  Not coincidentally, this timing synchs up with when my daughter was born.
Anyway, I was thinking of something nice and thoughtful that I could do for the 10th anniversary of our meeting, and I thought that
I would post a note about my Belarusian wife, who I first met on Sept 1, 2004 and married on September 19, 2005.  Also, I thought it might
be illuminating to people about why my wife and I were successful when so many others have failed throughout the years.  Selection bias is such that often you only hear about the failures rather than the successes.  So, here goes my thoughts on what worked well for us.


Happy Anniversary!


1.  Meeting and Courting


I went into this dating abroad thing pretty casually.  I didn't have any serious relationships going on in the US at the time although I was actively
dating at the time. I like women in generally...Europe, Asia, the Americas...makes no difference to me.
On the plus side, I was traveling quite a bit for work.  In all, I've traveled roughly 2.5 million miles for work over a 19 year period.
I met my wife online in June 2004, and we immediately clicked.  I visited her in September 2004 in Minsk for 2 weeks, followed by 10 days in Moscow in
November, 12 days in Prague in December, a week in Poland in May, and 5 days in Vilnius in June.  Since I was commuting to and from the Middle East
monthly, the airline tickets were generally covered by the client and the hotels were covered by points.  Having so many visits ahead of her coming in July 2005 really helped us get to know each other.  My not paying took the pressure off her, and we could be more like a normal couple rather than having this be a one time only...make or break...sort of situation.  Thus, always try to have more than just one or two visits ahead of her coming to the US.  It may seem costly, but it is not nearly as costly or as disruptive as her coming here.


2.  How similar we are


There is a 12 year age gap between us, but we have so much in common and as a result there isn't much fundamentally that we disagree on.  In my mind, I married a person that speaks Russian and Belarusian very well.  For the first couple of years of marriage, a jellied meat from the local Russian store might make its way into our refrigerator, but, now, there is only the occasional liver dinner when I'm away traveling.  Thus, I was marrying a Russian woman rather than a Russian woman.  Of far more importance to me is the fact that she is well-educated; like me, she has a PhD.  For anyone who has done it, successfully defending a thesis at a top notch school has a huge impact on a person.  It is this common educational background rather than our culture that shapes our POV.  Thus, having the same educational background would be very helpful...especially if you don't share a common culture or age.


3.  We both are very flexible


My wife's first week in the US was characterized by her sleeping 10 to 11 hours per day.  She was really tired talking in English all day.  By the second week, she was back down to her preferred 9 hours per day.  Otherwise, she has very little issue adapting to the US.


4.  She likes and was immediately comfortable with where we live


We live in Boston, she works at university that is 3 subway stops away, and we are near several large parks.   In Minsk, she lived 3 subway stops from her university...and was near a large park.  She simply would not be happy living in my small hometown in Michigan nor would she be happy living in her grandmother's village. 


5.  Within the first year, she was able to establish her own life here.


Because she liked where she lived and was flexible, she quickly established her own network of friends and fell into a great job.  During our first 5 years of marriage, I took 48 10 to 14 day trips to the Middle East.  During this time, she got a job at a major educational institution, received 3 promotions, and received a Master's degree.  This sink or swim approach would have been a recipe for disaster if I had married the wrong person, but with my wife, I never really had to give it a second thought.  As it is, she is now a first name basis with the CEO of one of three largest companies in the world.


6.  Her mother really likes me.


It really helps that her mother really likes me and that is all the family that she has over there.  The fact that her mother and I don't share a common language is really helpful at times as I think she and I would get on each other's nerves.


7.  My family really likes her.


Over this summer, I was too busy working to take a vacation.  I asked if she could bring a friend with her and my daughter on vacation.  She decided to fly out MY mother.  My wife was happy to have someone to split a bottle of wine with each night.  My wife has already indicated that if I can't make spring vacation, then she is taking my mom.  My mother has let it be known that I'm purely optional and her swimsuit is packed.


I'm not sure if this will help anyone contemplating marrying someone from the FSU, but with my B-day coming up next month, perhaps this posting will qualify me for one of her awesome carrot cakes, which is something she had no idea of when she came here 9 years ago.


Good luck everyone!


Todd

Offline I/O

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Re: Selection Bias and Married Life....
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2014, 10:39:42 PM »
I went into this dating abroad thing pretty casually.
Yep, I'm with you on this one and to be honest, I think you could underscore your success right there. No early over investment = no pressure.  :applaud:

Offline JayH

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Re: Selection Bias and Married Life....
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2014, 03:01:04 AM »
Todd--nice post and pleasant to read good news story! :clapping:

Agree 100% with I/O !! :) :)
SLAVA UKRAYINI  ! HEROYAM SLAVA!!!!
Слава Украине! Слава героям слава!Слава Україні! Слава героям!
 translated as: Glory to Ukraine! Glory to the heroes!!!  is a Ukrainian greeting slogan being used now all over Ukraine to signify support for a free independent Ukraine

Offline Boethius

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Re: Selection Bias and Married Life....
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2014, 05:21:57 PM »
Congratulations, Todd!


You chose a woman with beauty, but, more importantly, brains.  She has accomplished a great deal, in a new country, in a scant 9 years.  That is remarkable.  Success stories are always the best ones to read.
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline Rembrandt

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Re: Selection Bias and Married Life....
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2014, 09:33:08 PM »
Hi All,


I have not posted to this site in about 5 years.  Not coincidentally, this timing synchs up with when my daughter was born.
Anyway, I was thinking of something nice and thoughtful that I could do for the 10th anniversary of our meeting, and I thought that
I would post a note about my Belarusian wife, who I first met on Sept 1, 2004 and married on September 19, 2005.  Also, I thought it might
be illuminating to people about why my wife and I were successful when so many others have failed throughout the years.  Selection bias is such that often you only hear about the failures rather than the successes.  So, here goes my thoughts on what worked well for us.


Happy Anniversary!


1.  Meeting and Courting


I went into this dating abroad thing pretty casually.  I didn't have any serious relationships going on in the US at the time although I was actively
dating at the time. I like women in generally...Europe, Asia, the Americas...makes no difference to me.
On the plus side, I was traveling quite a bit for work.  In all, I've traveled roughly 2.5 million miles for work over a 19 year period.
I met my wife online in June 2004, and we immediately clicked.  I visited her in September 2004 in Minsk for 2 weeks, followed by 10 days in Moscow in
November, 12 days in Prague in December, a week in Poland in May, and 5 days in Vilnius in June.  Since I was commuting to and from the Middle East
monthly, the airline tickets were generally covered by the client and the hotels were covered by points.  Having so many visits ahead of her coming in July 2005 really helped us get to know each other.  My not paying took the pressure off her, and we could be more like a normal couple rather than having this be a one time only...make or break...sort of situation.  Thus, always try to have more than just one or two visits ahead of her coming to the US.  It may seem costly, but it is not nearly as costly or as disruptive as her coming here.


2.  How similar we are


There is a 12 year age gap between us, but we have so much in common and as a result there isn't much fundamentally that we disagree on.  In my mind, I married a person that speaks Russian and Belarusian very well.  For the first couple of years of marriage, a jellied meat from the local Russian store might make its way into our refrigerator, but, now, there is only the occasional liver dinner when I'm away traveling.  Thus, I was marrying a Russian woman rather than a Russian woman.  Of far more importance to me is the fact that she is well-educated; like me, she has a PhD.  For anyone who has done it, successfully defending a thesis at a top notch school has a huge impact on a person.  It is this common educational background rather than our culture that shapes our POV.  Thus, having the same educational background would be very helpful...especially if you don't share a common culture or age.


3.  We both are very flexible


My wife's first week in the US was characterized by her sleeping 10 to 11 hours per day.  She was really tired talking in English all day.  By the second week, she was back down to her preferred 9 hours per day.  Otherwise, she has very little issue adapting to the US.


4.  She likes and was immediately comfortable with where we live


We live in Boston, she works at university that is 3 subway stops away, and we are near several large parks.   In Minsk, she lived 3 subway stops from her university...and was near a large park.  She simply would not be happy living in my small hometown in Michigan nor would she be happy living in her grandmother's village. 


5.  Within the first year, she was able to establish her own life here.


Because she liked where she lived and was flexible, she quickly established her own network of friends and fell into a great job.  During our first 5 years of marriage, I took 48 10 to 14 day trips to the Middle East.  During this time, she got a job at a major educational institution, received 3 promotions, and received a Master's degree.  This sink or swim approach would have been a recipe for disaster if I had married the wrong person, but with my wife, I never really had to give it a second thought.  As it is, she is now a first name basis with the CEO of one of three largest companies in the world.


6.  Her mother really likes me.


It really helps that her mother really likes me and that is all the family that she has over there.  The fact that her mother and I don't share a common language is really helpful at times as I think she and I would get on each other's nerves.


7.  My family really likes her.


Over this summer, I was too busy working to take a vacation.  I asked if she could bring a friend with her and my daughter on vacation.  She decided to fly out MY mother.  My wife was happy to have someone to split a bottle of wine with each night.  My wife has already indicated that if I can't make spring vacation, then she is taking my mom.  My mother has let it be known that I'm purely optional and her swimsuit is packed.


I'm not sure if this will help anyone contemplating marrying someone from the FSU, but with my B-day coming up next month, perhaps this posting will qualify me for one of her awesome carrot cakes, which is something she had no idea of when she came here 9 years ago.


Good luck everyone!


Todd

Bravo! Awesome post! I got a lot out of that. Glad to see I did some things similar to you as well.

Best of luck in the future, from the sounds of it though, I don't think you need it.

Great post again.

Offline Gator

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Re: Selection Bias and Married Life....
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2014, 09:18:57 AM »

I met my wife online in June 2004, and we immediately clicked.  I visited her in September 2004 in Minsk for 2 weeks, followed by 10 days in Moscow in
November, 12 days in Prague in December, a week in Poland in May, and 5 days in Vilnius in June.



There is no substitute for spending much time together.
 

Quote
Of far more importance to me is the fact that she is well-educated; like me, she has a PhD. 

I have high praise for al the highly educated FSUW I met.


Quote
  As it is, she is now a first name basis with the CEO of one of three largest companies in the world.

Remarkable, most remarkable. 



Quote
Good luck everyone!


Thanks Todd. I congratulate you and your accomplished wife.   Another good story of an AM-FSUW marriage.

Offline Chicagoguy

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Re: Selection Bias and Married Life....
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2014, 10:43:20 AM »
I wish all the adventurers here were as astute. I have trouble believing it is all luck.
 Congratulations.

 

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