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Author Topic: ConnerVT -- My first trip story  (Read 16475 times)

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Offline ConnerVT

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« on: February 20, 2005, 06:04:10 AM »
Although many of the regulars here know me, I thought I would repost this here for Dan and others to learn a little more about me, and how I ended up where I am.  I wrote this after returning from my first trip to Russia in March 2003.  It is interesting for me to reread this, as most of it still sits very true to how I think today.  The story is written in several chapters, and I'll post the first of them now.  Your comments are welcomed.

Flight Plan

Before flying anywhere, a pilot should have a flight plan. You need to know where you are now, and where you would like to go to. You factor in all the details needed to make the journey, add some contingencies for unexpected delays and problems, and then develop a plan that will hopefully get you to your destination successfully. In the journey called life, searching for love and happiness, developing a flight plan should be so easy.

I found my way to (another forum) by falling in love with a photo and a letter. Part of my flight plan was to not make this mistake again. I began writing to a few women in November, but I made a conscious effort to maintain a little emotional distance. Not be cold, mind you, for that will neither reflect the way I am, nor will it endear you to any woman's heart. Over time, there were several occasions where I remember writing letters about romance, but I always would try to switch to writing in a third person way ("If a man… a woman…" rather than "If you… and I").

By the Christmas holiday, I was rather depressed (not clinically, just bummed) and decided it was time to buy myself a present - two weeks in Russia. I gave myself a couple of months, as I needed to make arrangements here at work, and besides, who wants to travel to Russia in January? I can stay home, and be cold. So I was all set to head off in the beginning of March.

From November to March, I corresponded with about 20 women. This process was good for me, as it made me take a hard look at myself, what I wanted in a relationship, as well as what I had to offer. It was surprising, as those things tend to move around a bit, once you look at them closely. As I'll be 42 years old next month, it is easy to find yourself in 'Wish Fulfillment' mode, looking at 20 year old hotties. I set my sights a bit more realistic: mid 20's to mid 30's, no children or a child less than 5 years old, and at least some English ability. Tall and attractive certainly won't hurt either - after all, you will be looking at each other for the rest of your lives, if we do it right.

Over the period of four months, I set two underlying rules for both my correspondence and my travel:

No secrets about myself - I would answer every question presented to me as honestly as I could, even if it did not show me in the best light. It's natural for people to 'fib', 'embellish', or 'spin' the truth a bit, for every reasonable person wants to present themselves in the best possible manner. My reasoning for the straight truth is I want a woman who wants me, not what I present myself to be. The time we get to know each other, through correspondence and in person, is so limited, that there isn't time for games like this.

No preconceived ideas - I tried to keep my mind (and my heart) open to any and all possibilities. As I'd only be in Russia for 11 useful days, I had little time to unlearn any misconceptions I may have before I arrive. Besides, the main purpose of this trip is for me to learn, not for me to "train" an entire country what they are doing wrong. I certainly don't want to be one of those 'Ugly Americans'.

By the time I boarded my plane, the list of women I wished to meet was down from 20 to 12. For an agency that is designed around a WMVM (Write Many, Visit Many) concept, this is not a large list. But my time was limited, and I wanted to reduce what I call the "background noise", the clutter and confusion in life that makes it difficult to fully experience what is happening in the moment in front of you. See, for me, I had little expectation to meet 'The One' on this trip. It was more a fact finding thing, a chance to experience first hand what life and the people of Russia are all about.

And I almost didn't get there.


Offline Bruce

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2005, 07:30:55 AM »
This is a great story to re-post on this board.  I think it will help newbies and experienced but still looking as well. 
"A word is dead when it is said, some say.  I say it just begins to live that day."  Emily Dickinson

Offline Vaughn

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2005, 08:30:36 AM »
Well-written, especially am enjoying your thought process. I've never read ConnerVT's story so this'll be a treat! Waiting for the next installment...

Vaughn

Offline KenC

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2005, 02:10:41 PM »
Keep 'em coming Conner.

KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
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Offline ConnerVT

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2005, 03:42:01 PM »
I was going to post one a day, but I can see that Ken likes reading stories from his wife's home town...

[font="verdana, arial, helvetica"]Russia's Broken

I live only about two miles from the airport in Vermont. It's a small airport (hell, it's a small state!), and other than an occasional Green Mountain Boys Air Guard F-16 taking off, you wouldn't know it was so close.

The day I left for my trip, it was almost as close as I got to Russia.

I'm all checked in at the airport, waiting to board the United Express shuttle to Dulles Washington DC, and we had a 'ground stop'. Basically, the regional air traffic control does not allow any more planes to take off, as there is a winter storm off the coast of NYC, making the flight corridor in the area too congested. Of course, before this I was proud of the 90 minute layovers I had between flights - not too short (I thought) to make my connections, and not so long to make the trip take forever. Now, it looked like I wouldn't make any of my connections. Two miles down, 4433 miles to go.

Fortunately, we made it in the air, and the pilot must of burned some extra fuel, for we actually made it 5 minutes earlier than scheduled. The rest of my flights were without incident. The Lufthansa 747-400 to Frankfort was packed, but the Lufthansa flight to Moscow was empty. There were maybe 30 of us on an Airbus. Though I couldn't understand why they needed to change my seat assignment.

What would be a very revealing indication of things to discover happened when the airplane pulled to the gate at SVO. As the 30 some odd passengers gathered our coats and carry on luggage, and waited in the aisle to exit the plane, the pilot's voice came over the intercom. "The Jetway is jammed at the moment," he said. "We're told that they should have it fixed in ten minutes or so." Now it's 4435 miles down, and an undetermined number of feet drop to the tarmac below.

There is an AFL-CIO or UAW union jingle that kept popping into my mind, something like "Keep America Working", or "America Works". Time and again, I had a new slogan that would pop into my mind, "Russia's Broken".

Now, don't be reaching for the REPLY button just yet, to start firing up the flame thrower. The observation that the infrastructure of Russia is in poor shape is certain to be agreed by all that have been there. Some of the buildings I was in would never receive a Certificate of Occupancy here in the States.

The flat I was in for the first few days had no hot water. All utilities, such as heat and hot water, are centralized, and the entire district was without hot water for the entire time I was in Tver. There was rumor that they were planning to turn it on for a few hours, for International Woman's Day, but it never came true. My interpreter apologized to me every day about the situation, that I had to ask her if she was responsible for the hot water for the district. When another flat became available (this one with its own hot water heater), they were quick to move me to the new place.

Perhaps not knowing what will work, and what won't, each day helps make the Russian person stronger. Here in the West, I believe we have become too dependent on having all of our utilities and services working 100% of the time. So many people are clueless on how to survive without them, that we have become a country of spoiled whiners. Now, I'm not ready to move to Montana, and become a survivalist. But I am accustomed to provisioning a small sailboat, or head out backpacking, for a few days. So adjusting to needing to heat water to bathe was inconvenient, but certainly possible for me to do. In my mind, this wasn't a luxury vacation, so it was easier to tolerate.

Many of the customs and rituals Russian society has are based in cleanliness (this is true of most cultures that have been around as long as Russia's). Although it has been discussed before, I'll leave you one sight I'll never understand. Having dinner at Lukhamoria, which is a nice place for dinner and dancing located at the children's theater, I saw something that was just completely useless and out of place: an 'Out of Order' sign on a stall in a public restroom.

The key to life is not how you handle it when things go right. It's the adjustments you make when things don't go as you hope. This is a trait I like to believe I have, but for the most part, the Russian people I met hold that hand in spades. Though I am proud to admit I helped push a Russian taxi that got stuck outside my flat (both the driver and my interpreter were surprised by my offer. I live in Vermont. I'm used to it). Another evening, the Lada I was in ripped its entire exhaust system off. It gave my date and I a good excuse to cuddle in the back of the cab, while we waited for another to take us to our destination.

Sergei, a friend I made while in Russia, told me "Of course the Russian people are friendly and generous, for we have nothing you can take from us." You are wrong, my friend. Along with your friendship, one can take a good lesson on strength, resolve, and being able to adapt to that the world places in front of us.

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« Last Edit: February 20, 2005, 03:42:00 PM by ConnerVT »

Offline ConnerVT

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2005, 03:23:44 PM »
Perspectives and Contrasts

A person should not be quick to judgment. When I studied Geometry in school, I was taught that most things in the world are measured in three dimensions: height, width, and depth. As I have become older, I realize that the true important measurement is none of these. It is the measurement of time.

There is an old tale of three blind men, who are confronted with an elephant. Each, feeling only the part of the elephant that is in front of them at the moment, proclaims it to be something it certainly isn't. I decided not to be a blind man, but to take my time to see more of the entire picture. I have yet to see much of it yet, so this explains this TR lacking some of the definitive answers that I have seen written in the past. But this TR is as much for me, as it is for you. I hope it to be something to provoke (friendly!) discussion, and perhaps some internal reflection.

The reason I bring up the yarn about the elephant, is that I spent my first full day in Russia on International Woman's Day. If I had spent only one day in Russia, I can imagine what my perspective of life in that country would be. "Why, Russia is a wonder place," I would proclaim. "Every woman has an arm full of flowers, and a box of chocolates!" I would never understand why any woman would ever want to leave. But even now, after spending a few weeks there, I still can see how it would be a hard decision to make.

On my first day at the agency, I had four women to meet. Still a bit jet lagged, and still trying to get my feet underneath me (more on that in a future installment), the first day went very well. It was much fun to spend most of the day at the office, watching a parade of beautiful women come to the office to pick up gifts, and have their picture taken for the AM back at home. I had guessed I saw 40 women come by the office (later I found out it was 41), many who I had seen their picture on the web site. I also had bought flowers for each of the four women I'd meet that day (which, unknown to me at the time, impressed all the women on the office staff). After all, it was International Women's Day, and I didn't want to be empty handed.

There were a number of firsts for me this day. I never have worked with an interpreter before, but the ones I worked with were top shelf, and I think by the end of my time there we developed a friendship along with our working relationship. I can't recall 'dating' four women in one day (in my youth, well, that wasn't really dating, either…), although it is more like an interview than a date.

What was an interesting surprise was the best meeting of the day was with a woman who I had written to the least. Or more exact, she had written the least to me. Two very short letters, very cool and direct. In person, she was warm, intelligent, fun to be with, yet had a very calm and comfortable manner about her. I did not know it at the time, but she would set the benchmark to which I measured everything else.

Virtually all the women I met over the following week were very nice, although there were a few who were a bit, let me say, unique. But I did find it ironic, that those whom in correspondence we tended to become close, that it seemed a bit forced when we finally met, as though we didn't want to lose the investment we made in writing each other. For those who may find themselves in this situation, you may want to consider it ahead of time. As difficult as it is to say goodbye, it will always be more difficult to stay with the wrong person because you have too much 'invested'.

Over and over again, I was struck by the similarities and contrasts between home and Russia. Here in Northern Vermont, it was actually a few degrees warmer in Tver than what I left at home. And it was commented quite a few times that my coat was not "sturdy" enough (Patagonia lined shell, black, and warm as hell), and I lacked a hat and scarf. Even the foliage (well, the bare trees) are basically the same. I am fortunate to live in a city where the people are almost as friendly as those I met on this trip. I took a trip to a museum, where the displays could have been from any museum here in the states (except for the Russian themed exhibits, and the Babushkas following you around, telling you what you had to look at next). Even at the entrance, there was a display done by school children, of exhibits they saw during their field trip to the museum.

Even the city of Tver reminded me of two completely different cities. At times, when looking at the condition of the buildings and construction of the apartment buildings, it reminded me of the projects near the Major Deegan Expressway in the Bronx. At other times, it would remind me of Charleston, SC, due to its scale, proximity to the water, and some of the renovations that are taking place (reminiscent to the rebuilding that took place in that SC city after the hurricane).

Almost everyone I spoke with wanted to know the differences between their home and mine. But what I would see the most was the similarities, of the people and how they think. True, it is a little difficult to understand shopping with a woman who is looking at 2200 Ruble boots, yet will spend hours deciding on a 20 Ruble hair clip. Or how everyone must have a cell phone, although you're not sure if the water will run clear or brown from the faucet. But what is really important to people? Everyone just wants their life to be a little easier. For things to be better for their children. And for there to be someone who understands how they feel, and is there to share both the good and the bad with them. When looking for contrasts, it's funny how it all ends up looking the same.

Offline Vaughn

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2005, 04:09:21 PM »
Keep the chapters coming, friend.

Vaughn

Offline ConnerVT

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2005, 04:38:33 PM »
Thanks, Vaughn, for the reminder.  Almost forgot today's installment was due. :D

It was almost two years ago when I wrote this.  I have learned much since then, but when I read this, I still remember the feelings I had when it was happening.  All that I've posted so far, as well as the next few installments, were all written in the 48 hours immediately after my return to the US after this first trip.

[font="verdana, arial, helvetica"]Making Adjustments

I am accustomed to doing things for myself. Before starting my own business, where decisions I make determine where and how much someone may spend on their home, I made decisions on a daily basis that had million dollar repercussions for a large international company.

Nothing is more humbling than realizing you can't even find your way home by yourself.

This was perhaps the most difficult part of my entire trip. Being dependent on others for some of my most basic needs. Like ordering dinner for you. Or helping you get back to your flat, or coming to get you from it.

Everything you read and hear says that a RW wants a strong, decisive man. That's pretty dam hard to do, especially when you need someone to explain your choices.

I must give my interpreters credit, for they took exceptional good care of me. And this is why I chose to go the full service agency route, so I wouldn't get bogged down with logistical details. But it was disorienting for me to give up so much control over my life. One of my proudest moments was walking from my flat to the agency office on my own. It was a short 10-15 minute walk, and it was a bright, sunny morning. I started to finally feel like I was getting my feet underneath me.

When I got to the office, I got scolded for not calling first, to let them know I was walking. Not a real scolding, as you would get from an AW. But a gentle, kind, and concerned one that I imagine only a RW could effectively do. Suddenly, I'm a 9 year old again.

But I was still proud. Of course, two days later, I moved to a flat that was not as nice a walk to the office as the first was. But it did have hot water, a nicer view, and a bed I fit in (not a common thing in the FSU for someone who's 6'4").

During my letter writing phase, I began to discover things about myself I was not fully mindful of. Someone would ask me a question, and in my attempt to answer it honestly, I would become aware of thoughts or feelings that I had not fully constructed in my mind. But this disorient ing feeling I had was unexpected.

I gave some serious thought to a personality flaw that I have. It is difficult for me to give myself over to another person. All of my life, I have been in need of being in control of my own life. I'm not a power or control freak, where I need to control others, but be in control of my own life. But you need to relinquish at least some of this control, if you are to invite someone else to share in your life.

I am a person, when I care for someone, that I am protective and loyal. I enjoy doing things for them, and surprising them with gifts both material and intangible. I believe the best gift a person can give is them self, yet through my life, I have always made it difficult for others to return this gift. This is both selfish and unfair of me to do.

The first step of solving a problem is to acknowledge that the problem exists. We could go through eleven other steps, but to me, this was a breakthrough I had walking up Tryohsvyatskayo Street.

My solution for the short term was to accept the kindness and assistance I was receiving from all of my Russian hosts. For my next trip, I'll be a bit more prepared, and perhaps my Russian will be improved. And for this trip, I was most fortunate to find someone who made accepting her help a comfortable and enjoyable experience. But I get ahead of myself.

There was still one more thing that I needed to do, before I could really begin to feel like myself again.
[/font]

Offline Photo Guy

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2005, 07:25:17 AM »
Come on! Then what?  -doug L.

Offline ConnerVT

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2005, 04:24:18 PM »
[font="verdana, arial, helvetica"]Making the Final Adjustment

Once I was able to more readily accept the assistance of others, I finally began to feel more like myself. It still takes a bit getting used to having someone read the menu to you, but there is always the rare pleasure of finding the restaurant has an English menu.

So life is good - meeting with a few lovely and charming women each day, enjoying the Russian food and hospitality, everything I took this trip for. So why don't I feel right?

It took me a while to figure it out for me, and the answer I have only relates to me. I'm not 100% sure of it myself, as nothing is black and white in this world, and I'm sure there's mitigating factors to each decision we make in life. So, please, I ask that you think before you hit the REPLY button.

What I decided is that I basically am a WOVO personality, and I was in Russia on a WMVM schedule.

True, the dozen or so women I was meeting with pales in number to some men's VM schedule. Most of these women I met will make a wonderful life companion to some very fortunate man. But it wasn't until I decided that dating in this manner was not natural for me, and was keeping me from being able to make natural decisions.

Time for me to make some decisions. Which means I need some time alone.

One would think it would be easy to be alone in a country where you don't speak the language, and you don't really know anybody. When I'm at home, I'll hop in the car for a long drive, or walk when the weather is warm. Disappearing on the sailboat for a day or two is the ultimate time alone.

In Russia, it was a bit more difficult for me. "I'm going for a walk," I say to my interpreter.

"Where are you going?" she asks, for she's being left behind at the office, under the watchful eye of the office manager.

How do you explain your walk is to nowhere in particular, just a few laps around the past week, and one circuit past the landmarks of your life?

I make my escape, and begin to wander and think. Spring is waiting to reach this corner of Russia, the sun shines, but the ice, hard as diamond plate steel, has yet to begin to break. Like a racecar driver, I begin the first lap around my past week, as some imaginary green flag had been dropped.

I am a logical, reasoning person. I try to enter all of my endeavors with open eyes and mind, armed with some knowledge of the situations I may face. It took me a long time to behave in life this way, for I also have a strong emotional side. In my youth, I would let this side rule me, and I had poor result from it.

I planned ahead for this trip. I spent time realizing what I wanted, who I am and what I offer to another person. I made reasonable choices, meeting with only enough women that I could honestly manage to see in the time I was here.

So what was wrong? I did not give enough attention to my emotional side. This, in hindsight, sounds pretty dam foolish, considering the purpose of my travels, to find love. But it is an easy trap to fall into. It's easy for a thinking person to 'over think' in a strange situation. And the situation couldn't be much stranger than the one I was in.

Coming out of turn four, and starting another lap, the only way to solve a logic problem is to, well, use more logic.

I went over my week again in my head. In an earlier installment of this TR, I stated my belief that it's possible that writing too much can be a detriment. That you may feel you have an investment in a relationship that you need to protect, although there may be no spark, no chemistry between the two of you. I imagine that some people can find this acceptable, and will work through it. I won't. The transition for a woman to uproot her life, and come to a new country, is too difficult not for there to be a strong emotional bond.

There were also some women who where very nice, but due to logistical reasons, we could not find more time to spend together. It is easy to get caught in a "what if?" situation, for the grass is greener on the other side. It is unfortunate that fate, for what ever reason, did not allow me to know these women better. Life does this to us every day. There are thousand upon thousands of people in the world you almost met, but didn't.  You chose a different line at the market, or a different college to attend.

Final turn, and the checkered flag is waving.

All this week, my heart was telling me something. But I've had my fingers in my ears, as I was only giving weight to my thoughts.

On my first full day in Russia (International Woman's Day, so I can't forget that anniversary!) I met Natalya. I really knew little about her, as we only had exchanged two short letters. I did know that she was tall, and she was beautiful. When we met, she put me at ease like no person I had ever met. She has an inner calmness and strength, which everyone that has met her has commented of.

Our first meeting was full of distractions, where we even moved to another location to distance ourselves from them. Yet throughout the week, it was this meeting, and this woman, that I would compare everything else to.

Later, Natalya would tell me that people make a connection in the first 20 minutes. In my mind, she is correct, for our attraction was easily made within that time.

It just had taken me a week to realize the importance of those 20 minutes.
[/font]
« Last Edit: February 24, 2005, 04:25:00 PM by ConnerVT »

Offline Photo Guy

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2005, 07:50:32 PM »
As a WOVO kind of guy, I am really enjoying this.  -doug L.

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2005, 12:48:40 AM »
Usually any mention of WOVO/WMVM brings out the contestants of a cage match proportioned event. (Oh yeah?  Well, I'll open a king sized can of whupass on you! :P ).  I'll head the battle off here, and make my observation (after all, this thread IS about me... :cool: ).

Even though I am uncomfortable operating in WMVM mode, it is probably the most important phase of a person's entire quest.  Not doing so, you leave one of the most important decisions you will make in life near completely up to chance -- that the person most acceptable to you will be the next one that walks through the door.

I met one woman during this first trip who was (in my opinion) certifiably crazy; another was happy to come back to America with me as long as I had a pulse.  Still another wrote me, promised another man, then met with me while I was Russia.  Only found this out after my trip, while poking around the agency's website.  Some women, while good in letters, did not meet the expectations we may of had.  I met several very nice women who would make some man a good wife.  They just would not be the wife I was looking for.

If you realize it or not, we all WMVM every day.  Men, being the dogs that we are, look at each woman and make choices ("...hmmm, I'd hit it...").  When visiting another country, you have neither the time or the refined skill to make this filtering choices subconsciously, thus needing a pre-defined plan to behave WMVM.  Then, once you choose (or are chosen :P ), you may then revert to your WOVO ways.

My opinion only.  YMMV.

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2005, 01:26:02 AM »
Help !!! Someone for translate in usual english ? What is WMVM, WOVO, and YMMV ?

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2005, 02:40:04 AM »
"Help !!! Someone for translate in usual english ? What is WMVM, WOVO, and YMMV ?"

Write Many - Visit Many
Write One - Visit One
Your Mileage May Vary - a general statement that things may be different for you (culturally tied to the US EPA's estimate for a new vehicles gas efficiency)
« Last Edit: February 25, 2005, 02:48:00 AM by Goombah »

Offline ConnerVT

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ConnerVT -- My first trip story
« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2005, 04:05:08 PM »
Sorry for the delay.  It's a bit ironic, as all of the previous installments were written fairly quickly, in a 48 hour block of time.  This one followed after a week of reflection.  I also apologize for the use of forum shorthand (WOVO, YMMV, etc.), but it is a common evil on the Internet (the use of TLAs -- Three Letter Acronyms).  Comes from working in the technology field, I guess.

My Other Trip to Russia

Something very interesting about my first trip to Russia is that it really seems like it was actually two different trips. For everything changed - my mood, activities, attitude, feelings, and perhaps future (?) during those few laps I took about the city and my thoughts.

I had made my decision. And it bisected my trip, nearly exactly in the middle. For the first half of my trip, I was on agency schedule - getting together with several women, talking, eating, talking, playing, you know the drill. It was everything as it is advertised, but as I have written earlier, it's not really my style. It's fun for a while, and allows you to meet a number of people in a short time. So I guess it's a necessary evil. But the same process that allows you to meet a number of women also prevents you from really getting to know any one of them. For the nature of this process is to put up barriers to prevent people from getting too close.

I had made my decision. I believe that all the women in the office knew I had been wrestling with this (but then, at this point, I was the only client in the city for them, so it was easy to be focused on). I asked my interpreter to cancel the remainder of the dates I had, except the one for that night with Natalya.

My second trip to Russia started right then, and I didn't even need to go through Passport Control.

At dinner that night, I believe that Natalya felt that I had made up my mind, that it was her I wanted to learn much more about. We never had spoke about the situation before this point, but these are adult women. They know a man using an agency is there to date other women also, unless he's proclaimed his undying love via email before arriving. And even though there is sometimes 'girl talk' between your date and your interpreter, I doubt that it was conveyed this way. It was just understood. It just felt natural.

It has been written here before, how a RW/UW will 'stake her claim' on a man she finds interesting. Well, I certainly experience this phenomenon. I went from having my interpreters watching over me, to having Natalya doing this. Little things, like keeping taxi drivers in check, to making sure I was fed every two hours.

One great example of this was we had taken her son, Pasha, to her parents, so we could go out for dinner. We needed to stop by her flat so she could change, and then head to the restaurant. When we get to the flat, the first thing she does is start putting food out for me. When I point out we are on our way to eat, she tells me it's been some time since I have eaten (maybe I was just outside the two hour window?).

For much of my "second trip", I really didn't see much of my interpreters. A bit boring for them, being on call with not much to do, but I'm sure they dealt with it fine. What is interesting, is that I only know the most elementary Russian, and Natalya, though having studied it in school for years, understands only some English (and speaks less). Yet, we always seemed to be able to communicate. Sometimes with the aid of a dictionary and a phrase book, but that was only of use at her flat. We negotiated our way through markets, cafes, stores, and even getting around in the van/shuttle busses. It was a good way to learn of each other, for this is more the way I live, not in restaurants and taxis all the time (though, I am used to driving my own car. I grew up driving near NYC, and I bet I can keep up with some of those Ruski drivers!). We spent the week in a real life setting, and dealt with the difficulties that two people who don't speak the same native language will face. It's good to keep those rose colored glasses in their protective case most of the time. But I believe this was a good demonstration to the both of us, to see the traits of the other person in real situations, and examine the possibilities of a relationship together.

Sometimes, working without an interpreter can be a benefit. In my next installment, we meet the family…


Offline Todd

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« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2005, 06:03:56 PM »
This is great; it is really interesting to read about the experiences that someone else has had.  Also, I know now that I'm a WOVO; I wonder if that makes me a Blue or a Red state kind of person?

Offline KenC

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« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2005, 07:22:43 PM »
Todd,

Blue or red state?  Boston?  You gotta ask?  :shock:

Ken
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline Jack

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« Reply #17 on: March 01, 2005, 07:04:59 AM »
ConnerVT, thanks for sharing your wonderful experiences. I am sure their are several others who relate to many parts of your report and it brings back pleasant memories.

Offline ConnerVT

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« Reply #18 on: March 01, 2005, 01:19:51 PM »
Thanks for the nice words, Jack.  From someone who has certainly heard a ton of stories like mine, it's a fine compliment.

As for Vermont, although percentage of vote wise, it's one of the bluest states, almost all of those votes come out of the Socialist Republic of Burlington, home of Bernie Sanders and Jeezum' Jim Jeffords (oh yeah, and that Deadhead Pat Leahy). :shock:  If you look at it on a map, it's mostly a red state...

Working Without a Net
(
subtitled:
Meet the Parents, the Dry Run)

One's first trip is an interesting experience, or as I should say, it is an interesting collection of first time experiences. I tried to leave any preconceived ideas behind, and allowed myself to remain flexible to whatever situation arose. Sometimes, that flexibility may make you miss some interesting observations.

I have never worked with an interpreter before. The two women I worked with were top shelf all the way. They are professional, easy to be around, thoughtful, and a great source of insight and information. Besides our working relationship, I believe we also developed a mutual respect and friendship. I came to rely on what I referred to as "My Russian Voice".

It takes a little time to develop a rhythm when working with an interpreter. They learn your speech patterns, and you learn theirs. Although you may not understand the words they are saying, you know the thought, for you just said it. Once you get to know each other, it's amazing how easily it flows.

What's interesting is when you have two interpreters. With the agency that I used, at mid-afternoon your morning interpreter is done with their day and the evening interpreter takes over. After all, you can't expect one person to keep up with you all day, every day. They make it so easy, that I almost didn't notice that my Russian Voice would change. They each have their own style and pacing, and without even knowing, I'd adjust to it. Neither was, as far as I was concerned, better than the other. Just different (and each one, of course, wanted to know who was better ).

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the event I want to tell you about.

For this happened the first day I wasn't under my interpreter's protective wing. Natalya and I had spent the day together with her son, mostly at her flat. We had planned to have dinner, and perhaps dance, later that evening, first meeting with my interpreter at the office. Natalya wanted to ask me something, but was having difficulty finding the words. So she called Anya (my interpreter for the evening), and explained it to her.

Then I was handed the telephone.

"Fred, this is Anya", she said. "How are you doing?" She always sounds like I should be in trouble when she asks me that.

"I'm fine," I said cautiously. "What is the plan?"

She explains to me that it's Natalya's nephew's 7th birthday celebration, and that Natalya will be dropping her son off at her sister's house for the evening, to attend the party. I will be certain to meet her parents, along with her sister and brother-in-law (my friend Sergei, from an earlier chapter). We will just be there long enough to remain polite, but it still is the 'first meeting'. The thing is, I will be the only one there who really understands English.

Now, I still don't know if it was planned or not, and as I don't really need to know. Perhaps on our fifth wedding anniversary, I'll ask. But it actually worked out very well. For you can say all the stupid things you would normally say the first time you meet the parents, and nobody really knows what you said. My plan was to smile a lot, be agreeable, and be polite.

The plan worked great. I shook a lot of hands, smiled, played with the kids, smiled, nodded my head, smiled, you get the picture. The family got to see I wasn't a crazy, ugly Americanitz, and that Natalya wasn't (completely) out of her mind for dating me. We made about an hour appearance to keep the family happy, and I didn't have to answer one question. How cool is that?

Of course, that was just the warm up party. Tomorrow was Papa's 60th birthday celebration. And though it was Papa's day, I'll refer to it as the mother of all birthday parties. By the end of that day, I'll have worn out two interpreters…


Offline TigerPaws

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« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2005, 04:01:25 AM »
Later, Natalya would tell me that people make a connection in the first 20 minutes. In my mind, she is correct, for our attraction was easily made within that time.

It just had taken me a week to realize the importance of those 20 minutes.


 

Before I made my first trip to Russia with the WMVM mind set I was told the very same thing, that I would know if the girl was right for me very quickly. Of course at first I did not believe this but later I discovered this was the case, of all the girls I met only one trult felt right from the very first meeting and we have been married for 5 years now.

Offline jb

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« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2005, 05:36:32 AM »
Conner, (Fred)

I remember having read all this a long time ago and being impressed with your honesty, not only with us, but more importantly, with yourself.  It's cool to re-read this after a couple of years, especially with several years of marriage to my Russian wife as a yard stick to help me put things in perspective, and know that I'm not the only man who made the connection to his woman very quickly.  In my case I think it was more like 53 micoseconds, not 20 minutes.

I remember clearly the three of us getting off the plane in Moscow, the company point man, a Phd geophysist, the contract sales guy, and me, the technical guy, and being met by the Russians who would watch over us during our stay.  One look at the slim blond woman who would be my technical translator was the beginning of the end for me.  Unbeknown to me at the time, she made essentially the same decision in that moment.

Now, after all the trips, swimming the endless sea of red tape, jumping through all the hoops to reach the Green Card goal, now starting the citizenship process, I can honestly say it's all been worth every bit of the pain and expense.  She's still golden in my eyes.

Offline RacerX

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« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2005, 04:14:24 AM »
Quote from: jb


One look at the slim blond woman who would be my technical translator .  
 


...in this country, we call that sexual harassment of an employee :X
« Last Edit: March 03, 2005, 04:15:00 AM by RacerX »

Offline jb

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« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2005, 06:31:57 AM »
Quote
...in this country, we call that sexual harassment of an employee :X


LOL, well yeah, probably true, but I didn't ask to jump her bones right there in the airport. :cool: And she wasn't my employee, she was employed by the Russian / U.S. Petroleum consortium established under the Detante agreements during the Regan/Kissenger administration.  

The rest is history.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2005, 06:33:00 AM by jb »

Offline Michelangelo

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« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2005, 07:39:14 AM »
Quote from: TigerPaws
Later, Natalya would tell me that people make a connection in the first 20 minutes. In my mind, she is correct, for our attraction was easily made within that time.

It just had taken me a week to realize the importance of those 20 minutes.




Before I made my first trip to Russia with the WMVM mind set I was told the very same thing, that I would know if the girl was right for me very quickly. Of course at first I did not believe this but later I discovered this was the case, of all the girls I met only one trult felt right from the very first meeting and we have been married for 5 years now.


Damn!  I had a connection like that with only one of the four girls I have been with.  And I let her get away!:(

But seriously, the girl I seem to be most interested in now  is a different approach.  It involves assessment of each other with a focus on family.  So who knows?  I suppose both would be nice :)
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.  michelangelo

Offline tim 360

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« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2005, 08:22:05 AM »
An absolutely stunning narrative and study of your thoughts and journey. 
"Never argue with a fool,  onlookers may not be able to tell the difference".  Mark Twain

Offline jb

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« Reply #25 on: March 03, 2005, 08:31:20 AM »
During the time ConnerVT was doing his thing, he and I had several long phone conversations, I can assure anyone he is a well reasoned, sound of mind, individual.  Although he got crazy enough at the time to get himself banned from the RWG.

Dealing with the USCIS can do that to a man.

Offline RacerX

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« Reply #26 on: March 03, 2005, 08:51:16 AM »
Quote from: jb
Although he got crazy enough at the time to get himself banned from the RWG.


...if I recall, wasn't that your problem, too?  This is probably the wrong thread to get into this, but I wondered why this old thread was posted here rather than just linked to.  I bet both you guys could tell some interesting stories about your 'former' lives

:)

Offline Jack

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« Reply #27 on: March 03, 2005, 08:54:29 AM »
Yea, we shouldn't mess up Conner's good report/thread.

Maybe you guys can start a new one. Sounds interesting.

Offline RacerX

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« Reply #28 on: March 03, 2005, 03:28:15 PM »
Jack,

If you like I could post dozens...make that hundreds like this one - I know a real good source for the "originals."  :(

Offline ConnerVT

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« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2005, 01:06:11 AM »
Some interesting comments here.  I decided to repost this here for two reasons.  The main one is to give some sort of introduction of who I am and how I got here for those who don't know me from other forums.  Married now for 8 months, my life is much too busy to write any large manuscripts for some time.  Our 6 y.o. son makes sure of that. :D

I could/would not link to the story from RWG, as it is not there.  Actually, all of my posts are gone from there, more than 600.  At my request.  I won't hash out what happened or why.  My Mama always said, "If you can't say anything nice..." ;)

It has been fun reposting this dusty tome.  It must of been an honest recollection of my thoughts, for it still rings true with me today.  Today I'll send up the last of the series I wrote when I returned from my first trip which I met Natalya.

The South's Gonna Rise Up Again
(or The Mother of All Parties)

From my forum handle, you can probably guess that I'm from Vermont. Actually, I grew up in NY, in the 'burbs of Long Island, next to the Sound. I never really felt comfortable when I lived there. I discovered this when I moved north, to attend college. After college, I interviewed all up and down the East Coast, deciding to move to Vermont as it was absolutely the place it felt the best to be. Even though I hate the cold and snow.

So what is this thing I have for Southern women?

A disproportionally large number of relationships I have had in my life were with women from south of the Mason-Dixon Line. I can't say if it is the accent, the spicy attitude or the way they hide the fire within a demure sheathing. But many of the AW I've known were from Florida, Virginia, Tennessee, N. Carolina, etc. I go to Russia, and I find myself following the same trend.

When I boarded the plane for this trip, there were perhaps 12 women I planned to meet. I culled that number in half quickly, after meeting them. What was interesting is that the three women who really got my attention were all from the southern regions of the FSU. I guess this is a trait that's deeply rooted within me, my passion for southern women.

The reason I bring this up, is there is a party today. It's the day following Natalya's nephew's 7th birthday party, which was a minor get together compared to what is planned for today. For today we will celebrate Papa's 60th birthday, and everyone will be there. Including me.

So it is the morning, and I am waiting in the agency office, for Natalya is helping her mama with the preparations. I had asked her what I might get her papa for a gift, but she just shrugged her shoulders, for it is internationally universal that whoever you are shopping for "has everything."

She arrives at the office a little before noon, and Natalya, our interpreter Anya, and I head across the street to the mall, to find a present. Seems that Papa lost his umbrella a few days ago, giving us a break in our search of a gift. Of course, nothing in the mall is really suitable. For those who have shopped in a Western mall with two women, let me suggest doing it in Russia with two RW. My guess to why there aren't benches outside the stores of Russian malls? RM are just more intelligent than their Western counterparts, and don't find themselves trapped in the mall!

No umbrella is to be found in these stores, but Anya knows of another store, on the way to Natalya's house. It is fortunate that Russian taxis will wait for you, as you go from store to store. Besides getting the gift, we also needed to get some wine, as well as for me to get flowers for Mama. (I was almost caught unprepared the day before, not expecting to meet her folks. I fortunately had a small box of chocolates to give to Mama, so to not arrive empty handed). The lack of the Y chromosome is international, for these women completed the shopping gauntlet with speed and precision.

We arrived at Natalya's folk's house as they still were preparing food. Her parents' house, and her sister's house, is built adjacent to one another, within the same compound. Inside, in the living room, tables are set up, and places are set for about 35 people. This won't be nearly enough.

As Natalya helps her mum in the kitchen, I spend some time with Sergei (her brother-in-law) and Dimi (his good friend). This time, I have an interpreter, and they are certain to utilize the opportunity to ask the, oh, 20 thousand questions they always wanted to ask an American. Many are the same questions I've answered throughout the week, although they usually weren't coming from several places at once. The best way to stop answering questions is to start asking them yourself. We had a good time, though it kept Anya busy. I still think she had the easier shift.

I hadn't noticed, but while sitting there, more people had arrived. Many more. When we finally were called to the table, there were already at least 35 adults. And even more kept on arriving.

Now, let's go back to my attraction to Southern women for a moment. See, Natalya was born in Baku City, Azerbaijan Republic, as were her mum, and (I believe) most of her papa's nine siblings (I'm not sure how he missed out). Her family moved to Tver when she was a small child. This was something I found out at the celebration, as Uncle Victor (after several vodka toasts) made sure to point out everyone who was from Baku. Several times.

All I can say is -- they know how to throw a party. At one point, there were nearly 50 adults present. Both Anya, and later Arina, who was our late shift interpreter that day, commented that they had never seen that many people present for a celebration at a private home. The food was fantastic. It never stops, and many of the dishes my interpreters were unfamiliar with, being traditional to the south. Every once and awhile, you get up from the table to dance. The purpose, I believe, it to shake the food down into your hollow leg, allowing you to sit down, and eat again.

And of course, no celebration can be without toasts. Many of them. I fortunately took the advice I had been given, and did not attempt to keep up with the RM when it comes to drinking vodka. I stuck to wine, which is sound advice.

I realize that in this story, I haven't written much about Natalya. Believe me, it isn't because she was neglecting me. Anything but. She was at my side nearly the whole time, once done helping her mama with the preparations when we first arrived. My plate was never empty, my glass was never dry. She would, for lack of a better word, protect me from anyone she felt wanted to dominate my time or attention (perhaps shelter is more appropriate). If she wasn't rescuing me, it was the two of us rescuing our interpreters. After all, what vodka fueled RM wouldn't want to converse with an attractive 20-something woman? I think both Anya and Arina were worn out after that day, but we all had a great time.

I think the protective instinct of both Natalya and my interpreter went to alarm, when I agreed with Sergei that it was time for me to present a toast. This is something I would have done if I was back at home, so I saw no reason not to do so here. They both told me I didn't have to do this, but I had been sitting there for some time, thinking of what I wanted to say. This boy can be stubborn, when he's got something in his mind.

"I believe it safe for me to say, that I have traveled the farthest to attend this celebration," I started. "It is clear to me, seated at this table today, that for the past 60 years you have been blessed, surrounded by loving family and friends throughout your life. I wish that this good fortune continues for you the rest of your long life, and I thank you for allowing me to share in being part of your family for this day."

I'll always look back, and think, it was a good day.

[POSTSCRIPT]

One interesting thing about the part was that Lyuba (Natalya's sister) had borrowed a camcorder, and had videotaped the party. I had an opportunity to watch some of this tape, a few days later, when her and I went to pick up Pasha at her folks house, where Papa was watching him.

While watching the tape, we both found ourselves distracted by Natalya getting Pasha ready to head outdoors. He had been fighting a cold, and she was dressing him in the 8 inch protective head to toe insulating layer that only a mother can encase a 4 y.o. in.

Her voice was soothing and melodic, talking to Pasha, and unaware we were watching. It would have been obvious to any man who observed this, this care and love of a mother to her child. I feel for any man who can not remember moments like this from their own childhood.

When I looked over at Papa, I could see in his eyes he was seeing the same things as me - The love of a mother, and affection for this woman, his daughter. Although he understands not a word of English, I told him the thoughts on my mind, and reassured him I would be the best man I could possibly be for his daughter.

I am certain we both understood each other.

[/POSTSCRIPT]


Offline KenC

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« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2005, 04:48:53 AM »
Conner,

I have to let you know that I am really enjoying your trip report.  It has brought back many of my own memories.  There was a point in time, while I was in Tver that I too took the bull by the horns and did things my way.  In my case, I just got tired of being led around like a 12 year old.  LOL.  I also had the same experience with my now Father in law as you did.  It was my second trip and Lena and I were having dinner with her parents.  As the women left to hit the powder room, Lena's Dad and I had a little heart to heart talk even though neither of us could speak the same language.  LOL.  He asked if I was going to take Lena away to America and I told him yes.  He got teary eyed and shook my hand.  He also gave me the look only another Father would recognize.  The look that said "You better take good care of my little girl!"  The women never knew of our little "chat".

KenC
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Offline ConnerVT

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« Reply #31 on: March 04, 2005, 06:06:16 AM »
My father in law is one of my favorite people.  The dynamic of my wife's family is interesting.  Mama is the front man of sorts.  Both are very friendly, outgoing people, explaining how 50+ people will show up at a birthday celebration.  But Mama is the one who puts the wheels in motion for many things.  She is the organizer, the peacemaker, the General Manager overseeing day to day activities.

Papa is a bit different.  He is more quiet, with a winning smile (decorated with gold).  During discussions, he is content to sit quietly, listening to all peoples viewpoints.  But when he weighs in with his opinion, it is usually very much on the spot.

My sister in law is much like her Mama, a good Russian daughter with a strong Russian mind set.  My wife, I believe, has always been a bit of a rebel.  Not in a defiant way, but always willing to follow her beliefs, even if they didn't follow the cultural norms.  And she certainly is daddy's daughter.

 

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