All Good Things Come to an End

[Kuna]

I think my enthusiasm for red is fading fast.........kinda back to a shade of pink right now and probably be stark white by the time you get your butt up here.  BTW our home will always be as my home has been, the door is always open to most anyone anytime so long as you take us how you find us.

I/O

Dude,

I'll call first so you can put some clothes on!   

Seriously though... I'm away again Thur/Friday and back Saturday...  If you're free I'll come up Saturday (next week) but I won't be painting any town pink...  Strictly hetro here!   

[Wayne B]

I/O, there is no doubt in my mind...that soon, you will marry outside of your leaue
Of course this is a joke...from the photos..you have a very lovely wife to be
I wish the three of you, nothing but, 'Happiness'....So what do you think about having a curious one roaming about the home front?  Not MIL...NOT soon to be wife but, the little one with small hands...that will be very curious....about all that moves......I have no doubt, that you have this situation under control.....good thing that you are bringing MIL home with ya'll...as she will tell you how to do this  .....I wish you and your new family, all the best, that life has to offer.......Wayne.

[I/O]

Dude,

I'll call first so you can put some clothes on!   
Seriously though... I'm away again Thur/Friday and back Saturday...  If you're free I'll come up Saturday (next week) but I won't be painting any town pink...  Strictly hetro here!   

:selfharm: :selfharm: :selfharm: Yeah.....I let myself right in for that one.

Wayne: What do I think about having inquisitive little hands around the place? Of course, I would be less than honest if I said I don't have mixed feelings about it. I am wrapped in the idea, but I have some concerns about my ability to become an instant father without prior experience. We get along well usually, although we are both cautious types.  He is, for me, at an interesting age (3 1/2). In one form or another, although distant, he has been a part of my life and definitely a big part of my thinking for 2 + years now.

Right now I am nearing the end of reorganising storage areas, fences, gates etc all tempered with "Kid Mittigation" measures. Time will show if I have been successful. :noidea:  This whole situation is one in which I have to hit the ground running so to say. Time will show if or not I can pull it off. BTW any advice on this subject is very welcome.

I/O

[Jazzyclassy]

Having a little kid around it is amazing and am sure I/O will cope with the role of the father, cos people already have such a huge respect and greatest kind feeling towards  a man who is willing to raise another child,It takes such a enormous heart , and generosity
Plus it is a good training before his own child will appear:)

I/O future son is the most amazing smiling beautiful boy, very smart and understanding no matter how little he is.

I am sure they will live so good together,of course  at the begining it will be a little bit difficult , well who has things smooth coming to a different country ? none so  with patience and love they will make things nice and easy:)

[MaxxumUSA]

This whole situation is one in which I have to hit the ground running so to say. Time will show if or not I can pull it off. BTW any advice on this subject is very welcome.

I/O

I/O...  Now you have struck a cord with me.  That's an american saying (I think) but basically means I am with you, or in my case had experienced this in the past.

First of all I will do my best to advise you - although from reading your posts I am sure you (probably) don't need my advice. I will remind you that your "new family" from FSU are also hitting the ground running.  This is sure to be an intense time.  There will be house rules, expectations, and many other things you cannot imagine when trying to combine families.  I do speak from experience based on past relationships with AW.  I think with a RW these (issues) are amplified if you are dealing with a family moving in with a single man.  I say they are amplified because of the communication factor.  Maybe SHE wants to learn your language - but her children and other family members will (probably) not be as motivated.

I feel for you, and appreciate the patience you must have to take on this endeavor.

So my advice:

Be firm in your 100% decisions about how the house will run.  In my case I am usually 100% firm when stating the rules about safety.  Other than that I am open to discussion.

I would be open minded and SLOW decided on how to treat most occasions.  I know you are a man of at least a bit of wisdom and knowledge.  I see no reason for you to not take an extra 30 seconds or so in your mind to think about your reactions to these new experiences.  If you need a full 60 seconds then by all means... take that time.

And by the way... I DO speak from experience on this.  I have two ex-step children who are moving forward in their life (due to my mothers help) and also one son that I have sole custody of for most of this life - including now.  He's upstairs as I type.  They are all very important to me. About the "due to my mothers help" damnit....  she has gone out of her way to help so many people...  I had to mention her at a minimum.

[Shadow]

I/O good luck on the new family. I have found my transition to be very smooth indeed, within a short time neither of us could remeber or understand how we managed al the time living alone.

For the TV programs I can advise www.corbina.ru
They offer a service where you can order TV movies and soaps in your e-mail box to view at your conveniece. And it is free of charge.

[I/O]

Shadow: Again, thanks for the TV link.  I am building a little "Bank" of these links and other suggestions.

Maxxum: Comments noted. My Dear Mother has decided she must advise her baby (42 Y/O) son a little on this subject and it is quite interesting to listen to her comments. I note she hasn't changed her style since we were kids. Her comment the other day was, your little boy will need all the love you can give, a consistent hand and a REGULAR sleep in the afternoon. LOL.

I note my fiance is also insistent on a nap for him at a regular time each afternoon.  What was that old saying, guys marry girls like their mothers or something .........hmmm

[wiz]

I/O

Sorry been late to offer my congradulations and best wishes for the future and many happy times in your life with the arriving Russian contingency and especially your lovely girl.

I was away, as you may know but now back to base, abadon ship for ever (thanks for help but it didn't worked) and have boarded a new HAPPY one sailing to the sun. I was in Moscow when I heard the good news about the Visa's from a nice young lady.......I was trying to meet for a coffee..... but she was busy!

Did you say Taureans.......oh yes I forgot to say before ....slow thinkers.....and pluskins.... and not really mechanical minded......

Best wishes for everything
Wiz

[Wayne B]

I/O, about your son...I think if you need advise...you only have to look at your Mom and Dad. I would say, that they have done a very good job with you
About the language barrier, at 3 1/2 years old, he will soak up the English without any problems....even some words that are not in the dictionary, if he happens to hear them

[I/O]

even some words that are not in the dictionary, if he happens to hear them

Already has the little beggar....!!!!

Well she has hit the point which I always knew had to come sooner or later, OMG I am actually doing this thing soon, a mixture of depression, anxiety, excitement and frustration with friends who are telling her she is so lucky and everything will be wonderful whilst having no idea of the emotional turmoil she is going through.

It's times like this that even being one of the worlds few living heart donors, one feels like a real heel taking a woman away from her homeland, family and friends. I can't imagine how any guy could think that even if he could provide a lady a better standard of living, how that could in any way compensate for the emotions and attachments she leaves behind. :noidea:

To all you wannabe white knights out there, I can tell you that I feel anything but that right now......more like a despicable arsehole to be precise.

Note to Ste if he happens to read this, not really the best time right now to say "If it is so frigging great in Russia then stay there".

I/O

[ScottinCrimea]

What I learned from marrying a woman with children is that they are very capable from the onset of lioving your children as your own, but for a man, it takes a little more time.  I'm not sure how to explain this, but despite your best efforts she will at some point question your love and commitment to her child.  Don't be offended by this.  My wife has a 15 year old daughter and she has wondered at times if I truly loved her daughter.  I have been quite frank and told her that there were times when my love for my three daughters from my first marriage was in question.  My answer was that there were times that I did not "like" my daughters and the decisions that they made, but I never stopped loving them. Do I love my stepdaughter?  yes!  does she drive me crazy as any 15 year old female would?  definitely!  But ultimately I have made it clear to my wife that when I married her, I also married her daughter and I will always be there to support her.

[Wayne B]

I/O, you are not taking her away from her home land....She is just moving to a different street, where her man happens to live....
 

[WHHatton]

I/O you are getting a step child at a good age, wait until he turns 13 or 14 and knows everything about everything, in addition you will need a baseball bat just to get his attention  .

Good Luck and just remember to keep your 

[I/O]

Scott: Points noted and I am certain it is "Only Natural" for a mother who has been single for whatever reason and to an extent alone with a child to question a newcomers love for that child at times.  I have a very close friend in the same situation. They now have two more children together and his wife remarked to me some time ago that it was only after they had children together did she fully understand his affection for her son, he is exactly the same with all of their children.

I suspect Russian women would be more suspicious in this respect because I feel they often underestimate western men's fondness of children. I think we are slightly different from Russian men in this respect. (I think)

WHHatton: At 13 or 14 I am sure he will be exactly as I was, perfectly respectful, obedient and reactive to all parental direction........NOT..!!!

The big deal right now is her working through the anxiety and sometimes depression of the thoughts of the upcoming changes.  FWIW this is something even if a guy could do something about, I think the lady must work through alone to an extent. This IMO is something I need to be very "Hands Off" about. She is having quite a struggle right now. 

I/O

[ScottinCrimea]

Just try to imagine my situation. When my wife comes to the US in a few weeks, she will be leaving her 16 year old daughter behind. Her daughter still has one year to go to finish school and we didn't think it made sense to uproot her at this stage.  She also had no desire to come to the US and has shown little desire to learn English.  At first I thought that my in laws would move in with her to oversee everything, but now it appears that she will have our apartment to herself.  I have a lot of worries about this, as you can imagine.  The good thing is that the in-laws live maybe 100 feet from our apartment building and can keep a close eye on her.  We'll be sending money to my MIL who will see that our daughter is provided for (when I say OUR daughter I mean it in every sense of the word).  I think now our plan is to bring our daughter over in about a year on a student visa.  I will probably need to seek the advice at that time how best to do it (KenC immediately comes to mind).

[catzenmouse]

Wayne: What do I think about having inquisitive little hands around the place? Of course, I would be less than honest if I said I don't have mixed feelings about it. I am wrapped in the idea, but I have some concerns about my ability to become an instant father without prior experience. We get along well usually, although we are both cautious types.  He is, for me, at an interesting age (3 1/2). In one form or another, although distant, he has been a part of my life and definitely a big part of my thinking for 2 + years now.

I/O,

 Sergei was 4 1/2 when he became a full time part of my life. There were some major power struggles over the next 6 months or so as he had a bit of a hard time not always being able to get his way like he was used to. He was an only child AND an only grandchild/nephew. There were quite a few times were I was ready to strangle him and be done with it. Now he is 7 and we play together in games and sports, he'll sit next to me or on me when we watch TV or a movie, and I honestly could not imagine my life now without him.

 It WILL be a big adjustment for BOTH of you to make. Another use of that patience you've been banking away. It won't be easy at times but more than anything else it truly will be worth it.

Ken

[Jazzyclassy]

I agree with Catzushka

It is so great to have kids , even if they are not yours biologically, no matter , they will become one, it is so amazing to read about those stories where men are taking women with kids , these guys are extremely genorous, they will always be happy cos they've done a greatest thing

You know ... some fathers do not need their own kids, and here we can see the situations where men adopt those other kids and become real dads to them and trully love them......

[I/O]

He was an only child AND an only grandchild/nephew. Ken

Ken: Similar. Fortunately his mother is pretty strict with him although she expresses the frustration of him being an "Only" amongst the entire family and of course he has become used to pushing the envelope with others. We have lived together for several weeks at one point as a 3 person family so to say and it was interesting to watch.

Week one: Sheer caution with me and a "Yes sir no sir, three bags full sir" style was exibited.  Week two: Little mind was thinking he had seen enough of sharing his mother and one morning at the breakfast table she was sitting on my knee, he came, took her by the hand, gave me a withering glance and led her around to the chair on the other side of the table, she smiled and asked what he wanted, he instructed her to sit there, she sat for about one minute and then returned to me, he backed off with a rather waxed look on his face and you could see the little mind revolving at about a million revs. That was about the end of the real power struggles for the moment.  Week three: He seemed to decide the smart money was to get right in my pocket, he seemed to adopt the attitude, "If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em". So, I of course needed help to take out the trash, to shower, to shave and just about everything else.  Very like his mother, a little timid, but veeeeeeeeeeery detirmined.

My one life line in all of this is that I have very close friends who have been through the exact same cycle. (Although she is Australian) I have observed this very closely over the last 10 years or so and hopefully I have learned a few things.  Hopefully.

Other fish to fry right now.

I/O

[KenC]

I/O,
Do you have any children?
KenC

[I/O]

I/O,
Do you have any children?
KenC

Not that I know about.

I/O

[KenC]

I/O,
Have you and your lady spent a huge amount of time discussing child rearing?
KenC

[I/O]

I/O,
Have you and your lady spent a huge amount of time discussing child rearing?
KenC

If huge is a few hundred hours, then the answer is yes.

I/O

[KenC]

If huge is a few hundred hours, then the answer is yes.

I/O

Well, it is a start.
KenC

[ScottinCrimea]

At some point you will be put to the test, both by him and by her.  He will "push the envelope" to force a response from you and see where he stands and to see if you stand firm.  He will also recognize the difference between how his mother treats him and how you treat him and will try to exploit the difference.  There WILL at some point be a conflict between you and your wife over this.  He will watch very closely how you both resolve this.  I was "fortunate" enough to have raised three daughters through their teens before I met my wife so I could pretty easily predict what her duaghter would do.  I would tell my wife, "Now she will do this, and when that doesn't work, she will do this, etc. etc."  When kids want their way, they will do what has worked in the past.  If plan A doesn't work, they will go to plan B, then to plan C.  My step daughter got frustrated because I could predict her every move, and when she didn't have a plan D, she figured out that doing what we expected of her caused the least grief.

[groovlstk]

Here's a site some of my wife's Russian friends living in the US recommended to her last weekend, lots of streaming Russian movies and such:
http://russianremote.com/

She also uses this site:
http://www.corbina.tv/