Russian Women Discussion

RWD Discussion Groups => Odds and Ends => Topic started by: Rvrwind on May 01, 2007, 02:37:09 AM

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 01, 2007, 02:37:09 AM
Just a little humor to lighen things up around here!!! ;D ;D

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......>
 Pass this onTo Someone To
 Make Them Smile.
 Its Called ........therapy

HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man,and then explainsthat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well,we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man."I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims theManager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies."She was here and you could have." :)

Hope that puts a smile on yer face today!!! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: I/O on May 01, 2007, 02:51:05 AM
Generous fellow the hotel patron. ;D

I/O
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Daveman on May 01, 2007, 07:35:46 AM
Rvrwind - Excellent thread... and completely In Accordance With The Prophecy.. (man I love that one)

Got the mosquito net up and the hair dryer ready for lunch..  Already changed coffee to espresso - gotta kill my own addiction there (but afraid I'd sleep for a week, or be in jail in short order).

Anybody got this guy's number in Boston?  :P

Dave



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 03, 2007, 11:07:50 PM
I felt compelled to share with you the meaning of love & compasion!!! ;D

As I walked down the busy sidewalk,
knowing I was late for an important interview,
my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate,
homeless vagabonds that are found in every
city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags,
carrying every worldly possession in two plastic
bags, my heart was touched by this persons
condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly
looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School
admonition to "care for the sick, feed the
hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved
by some powerful inner urge to reach out to
this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw
a hidden beauty.

 A small voice inside my head called out,

 "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

Scroll to next post!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 03, 2007, 11:15:58 PM
I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.

It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: El Rock on May 03, 2007, 11:30:30 PM
Who is Jack Schitt  ??

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: steerman on May 04, 2007, 09:24:28 AM
OH so true!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: steerman on May 04, 2007, 09:26:29 AM
Good Laugh
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: WmGO on May 04, 2007, 09:52:25 AM
Rverwind,

funny! Now I know where Daveman got that "in Accordance with the Prophecy" line  ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:02:58 AM
Some radio guy was fired from talking about these
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:04:24 AM
a thousand and one uses

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:11:02 AM
I usually don't make political comments on this board but........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:13:11 AM
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better." I have a 22-year old Russian bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang," and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:16:04 AM
All humor has an element of truth or its not funny.

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:28:05 AM
I had a buddy make a bunch of business cards to put on poorly parked cars.

It said

"I hope you don't F*CK like you park because you will never get it in."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:31:38 AM
A postal worker came across a letter addressed to God, he opened it and it read;

Dear  God,
 
I am an 83 year old  widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had  $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check.   Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two
of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy
food with. I have no family to turn  to, and you are my only hope.  Can you please
  help  me?
 
Sincerely,
Edna
 
The postal worker was  touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or  her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he  had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the  woman.
 
The rest of the day,  all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be  able to share with her friends.
 
Christmas came and  went.  A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God.  All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.
 
It  read......
Dear  God,
 
How can I ever thank  you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to  fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my  friends of your
wonderful gift.
 
By the way, there was  $4 missing.  I think it must have been those
bastards at the Post  Office.
Edna
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 04, 2007, 11:52:38 AM
Subject: HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FORGIVEN YOUR ENEMIES?

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked.
"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said,
"I outlived the bytches."

A young guy from NY moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in NY."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold Him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down To the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he Said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him Down to the Automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you Sold him A BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his Wife, And I Said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing." ;D ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:55:04 AM
I WAS IN A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE  LOOKING AT ME FOR SOME TIME AND THEN SAID HELLO.


I WAS RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE I CAN'T PLACE WHERE I KNOW HER FROM, SO I ASKED "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW I THINK BACK TO THE ONLY TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO  MY WIFE AND SAID "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM THE BACHELOR PARTY THAT I F*CKED ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY @$$?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 12:24:58 PM
One night in Kiev a drunk men is stopped by a cop while walking (obviously drunk) down the street. The cop stops him Where are you going?

In a slightly slurred voice he says "I'm going to listen to a lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism."
"At night? And who will give this lecture?" asks the cop.
 
"My wife and mother-in-law will!" He replied.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bluebell on May 04, 2007, 01:42:30 PM
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree
temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Simoni on May 04, 2007, 02:59:04 PM
nice jokes, 2tall!  and blue, too :-)

My wife died laughing, and so did I.  But she had to 'splain to me the one about the school teacher :-) LOL
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on May 04, 2007, 04:35:24 PM
An old couple are sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch, quietly enjoying the warm weather and their own thoughts.  Suddenly the old woman reaches over and gives her husband a smack to the side of his head, sending him and his rocking chair flying to the ground below the porch.  He slowly gets up, shakes his head a few times to clear it and says." Edna, why did you go and do that?"

She reples, "That was for being such a terrible lover all these years."

The old man pulls himself and his chair back up on the porch and resumes his rocking and his thoughts.  Suddenly, he returns the favor, reaching over and smacking his wife on the side of the head.  It was her turn to go sprawling onto the lawn.  She gets up, looks at her husband quizzically and says, "Bert, what was that for?"

He replied, "That's for knowing the difference!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on May 04, 2007, 04:41:44 PM
An AM has finally reached his goal and married a wonderful Russian woman.  After the wedding they go their honeymoon hotel room.  The AM goes into the bathroom to change clothes and when he comes out he tosses his pants to his wife and says, "Here, put these on."  She replies, "But Doragaya, I can't wear your pants!"  So he says, "That's right, and as long as you understand that, we'll get along just fine."

Now it's her turn to go shower and change for the night.  When she emerges from the bathroom, she tosses her husband her panties and says, "Here, put these on."  He replies, " But Dear, I can't possibly get into your panties!"

She responds, " That's right, and you won't unless you change your attitude!"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 09:04:54 PM
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.
At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger........

CLICK!..........empty chamber

He hands the revolver to his African guest, and Say's
"your turn comrade".
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual......

CLICK!...........empty chamber

The next year, the Russian visits the African country.
At the very end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year revising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reapear a few minutes later smiling, says "your turn".

The African escorts the Russian through the door.
In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.

The Russian is absolutely dumbfounded, "what kind of test of courage is this?!"

The African calmly answers ..........

" one of them is a cannibal".
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 09:12:30 PM
A Russian and an American die and they both go to heck. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?"
"What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American heck, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian heck you will be required to eat two buckets of waste," Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American heck. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian heck.

One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks.
"Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?"
"It couldn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: El Rock on May 04, 2007, 11:01:02 PM
What does dog poop  and women have in common ????







The older they are   , the easier  they are to pick up !!

Come on , it's just a joke
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 05, 2007, 07:18:02 AM
What does dog poop  and women have in common ????







The older they are   , the easier  they are to pick up !!

Come on , it's just a joke

Rock, don't worry this is a humor thread.

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 05, 2007, 07:20:42 AM
This was posted in another forum but I copied it here

One afternoon a six years old girl returned from school and announced to her mother

that her fried had just told her where babies came from.

Her mother thought this might be a teaching moment, so she said: "Really sweetie.

why don't you tell me exactly what she told you?"

The little girl began her explanation . "well...okay...It's Like this.

The mommy and the daddy take all their clothes off, and the daddy's penis

sort of stand up , and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and the sot of explodes and

squirts,.... and that's how we get babies."

Her mother shook her head, learned over to meet her daughter's eyes,

Kissed her on the forehead and said: "Oh no honey, that's sweet , but your friend is wrong

That's not how you get babies ......... that's how you get jewelry"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 21, 2007, 04:33:51 PM
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the Value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may Choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, And
are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just
across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and can cook too.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 21, 2007, 04:38:22 PM
Sorry about the F word
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mir on May 21, 2007, 04:49:33 PM
A man comes out of a pub and is walking down the road, obviously drunk. He is holding car keys in his right hand. A policeman stops him; 'Sir can I help you?' Man: 'Officer I can't find my car, they stole my car' Officer: 'Where did you last see it?' Man holds up the keys: 'Well at the end of this' Now the officer notices that the drunk's fly is open. Officer: 'Sir, do you know that you are exposing yourself?' The man looks down and cries: 'Damn it officer, they got my girlfriend as well'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mir on May 21, 2007, 04:55:31 PM
A man walks into a bar and says: 'Give me six double vodkas' The bartender asks : 'Looks like you had a rough day, want to share it?' The man says:'Well I just found out that my elder brother is gay' Next night he comes in again and demands six double vodkas,when asked he replies:'God, I just found out that my younger brother is also gay' The following night he is back, asks for six double vodkas. The barman says: 'Hey doesn't anyone in your family like women?' The man replies:'Yes, my wife'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 23, 2007, 01:31:16 AM
A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a drink... the bartender tossed him out saying "we don't serve string here"

Outside, the string is all indignant so he unravels himself a bit and loops into a half-hitch, then goes back inside and orders the drink.

Bartender says "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"

String says "I'm a frayed knot!" :cluebat:







... The mayor of Phoenix had a big problem.  The city was overrun with pigeons.  They were everywhere, messing all over the sidewalk and even leaving their droppings on peoples heads.  Something had to be done, but he had no idea what to do.

One day a strange man arrived in city hall and told the mayor "I can rid you city of the pigeons"  The mayor asked what the fee would be and the man said " I will do this at no charge provided you don't ask me any questions.  Otherwise the fee is $5 million.

The mayor agreed, and the man set to work.  He went up on the roof of city hall and opened his jacket, taking out a blue pigeon.  He released the blue pigeon to the sky and suddenly all of the other pigeons in the city followed the blue pigeon as he flew southward out of town.  Two days later the blue pigeon returned to the strange man, and by then all of the pigeons in Phoenix had disappeared.

The mayor was amazed!  He went up to the man and presented him a check for $5 million with the explanation that he had to ask the strange man just one question.  The man took the check and agreed to the request.

The mayor asked the strange man....

....
......

....... By any chance do you have a blue Mexican?



That's all folks!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on May 23, 2007, 05:02:20 AM
George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop  Using so
much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million
less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.  Bring our troops
home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant
crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to
Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the
military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his
tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He
will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will
probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq
and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to
serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem
solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to
your friends.

I just did.
George Carlin
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 23, 2007, 11:35:03 AM
An Italian, a Jew and an Irishman walk into a bar...

... Bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"



Definition of Heaven:

An American salary
A Russian wife
An English house
Chinese food.

Defintion of Hell:

A Russian salary
An American wife
A Chinese house
English food!

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on May 23, 2007, 04:56:34 PM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you   want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuzzy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,  "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 24, 2007, 12:50:37 AM
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOM. Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determine just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had thought it was a golf term. :)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 24, 2007, 03:22:00 AM
Well for your information SHIT is a highly technical golf term!

Here are some real facts
shit (v.) 
O.E. scitan, from P.Gmc. *skit-, from PIE *skheid- "split, divide, separate." Related to shed (v.) on the notion of "separation" from the body (cf. L. excrementum, from excernere "to separate"). It is thus a cousin to science and conscience. The noun is O.E. scitte "purging;" sense of "excrement" dates from 1585, from the verb. Despite what you read in an e-mail, "shit" is not an acronym. The notion that it is a recent word may be because the word was taboo from c.1600 and rarely appeared in print (neither Shakespeare not the KJV has it), and even in "vulgar" publications of the late 18c. it is disguised by dashes. It drew the wrath of censors as late as 1922 ("Ulysses" and "The Enormous Room"), scandalized magazine subscribers in 1957 (a Hemingway story in "Atlantic Monthly") and was omitted from some dictionaries as recently as 1970 ("Webster's New World"). Extensive slang usage; verb meaning "to lie, to tease" is from 1934; that of "to disrespect" is from 1903. Noun use for "obnoxious person" is since at least 1508; meaning "misfortune, trouble" is attested from 1937. Shat is a humorous past tense form, not etymological, first recorded 18c. Shite, now a jocular or slightly euphemistic variant, formerly a dialectal variant, reflects the vowel in the O.E. verb (cf. Ger. scheissen). Shit-faced "drunk" is 1960s student slang; shit list is from 1942. To not give a shit "not care" is from 1922; up shit creek "in trouble" is from 1937. Scared shitless first recorded 1936.
Source: Etymology Dictionary

Sorry next post will be a joke
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 25, 2007, 12:00:22 AM
Soon after a WM married his beautiful Russian bride his Mother stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Russian daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for LyubImaya moyA (my sweetheart) to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My darling loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 25, 2007, 02:50:36 AM
A man gets married and all is well with the new couple for a few weeks... but then one night the man is missing his old friends down at the bar he used to hang out in so he tells his new wife that he wants to go have a drink with his old buddies.

The wife smiles and cheerfully leads him to the basement where he is surprised to see that a fully-stocked bar has been installed.  "Look" she says "Now you can have a drink anytime you want".  The man looks at her and says "This is great honey, but at the bar they have all kinds of little snacks"...

...The wife, still smiling leads him upstairs to the kitchen where she pulls out a huge plate of chicken wings, spring rolls, peanuts and other assorted bar food.  "Look", she says..."Here  are all the snacks you want, just for you"....

... The man is pleased, but still wants to go out so he says "But sweetie, at the bar they have sports on the TV and I can enjoy a good cigar"  The wife, continuing to smile shows him the brand-new 72-inch plasma TV she bought and presents him with a box of Cuban cigars. "Look, Now you can have anything you want right at home" she sweetly coos...

The man, who is  desparate now because he really wants to go out says "But honey... at the bar there is cursing"

The wife says "Look"  SIT THE F*CK DOWN, DRINK YOUR G*DDAMN DRINK, EAT THESE MOTHERF*CKIN SNACKS, WATCH YOUR BULLSH*T SPORTS AND SMOKE YOUR F*CKING CIGAR.  YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE BAR.... GET IT?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 25, 2007, 05:16:53 PM
Yeah he should have said he missed his mates

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 25, 2007, 09:42:46 PM
.... Always remember, 47.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 26, 2007, 10:37:27 PM
A tall handsome man is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The cute woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Lily on May 27, 2007, 12:25:18 AM
May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Kuna on May 27, 2007, 01:26:39 AM
May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???

He's interested!   ;)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 27, 2007, 05:45:49 AM
He's interested!   ;)

Yes, he is interested

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on May 27, 2007, 06:37:00 AM
Not only is he interested, he also has a goal and the objective is in sight.   :cluebat:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 27, 2007, 01:14:32 PM
Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on May 27, 2007, 05:25:22 PM
Quote
Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...

INTEREST:
Quote
c.1425, earlier interesse (c.1374), from Anglo-Fr. interesse "what one has a legal concern in," from M.L. interesse "compensation for loss," from L. interresse "to concern, make a difference, be of importance," lit. "to be between," from inter- "between" + esse "to be." Form influenced 15c. by O.Fr. interest "damage," from L. interest "it is of importance, it makes a difference," third pers. sing. present of interresse..." Meaning "curiosity" is first attested 1771. Interesting meant "important" (1711); later "of interest" (1768).
(http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=INTEREST&searchmode=none)

Etymologically, then he wants to be between (sentence object(s) deliberately unspecified);D.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 30, 2007, 11:29:02 AM
Memorial Day Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning
Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in
the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the
9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 01, 2007, 04:21:32 PM
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of sh!t.

However, we do *not* run that risk when drinking wine (or vodka,rum,whiskey, beer
or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
 Remember:

Water = Sh!t
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh!t.
 
PS, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and nobody hears him is he still a bad dog???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 06, 2007, 04:52:43 PM
My exwife had a job parking cars for only one day.

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 06, 2007, 05:03:17 PM
Dear Abby,
I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby sitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.

Sincerely,
Tough Love Grandma

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on June 07, 2007, 09:50:09 PM
As told by Buddy Hackett on the Tonight Show years ago:

  Johnny, in the fifties I got drafted. Just before I had to report
the Rabbi came by for a quick visit. "Buddy, I'll warn you now
about Fort Dix - they serve loads of pork in the mess hall and
I want you to avoid it." It wasn't long before Buddy was trying
out the hot dogs, the chops, the loin. "I loved all of it,
Johnny, I was eating pork three times a day. And when I got my orders
for Europe, I returned to NYC and treated myself to a grand dinner at
Luchow's, the famous German restaurant. I wanted all of it in
one sitting - pig's feet, chops, loin, ribs - so I ordered the roast
suckling pig. After 30 minutes, here it comes: laid out beautifully
on a large silver platter, with an apple in its mouth - when, into
the dining room walks the Rabbi.

With a disapproving glare he asks, "Buddy, what are you doing?
I thought I warned you about the perils of eating pork!"

Hackett explained, "Rabbi, I ordered the Baked Apple! - wouldja
just look at all the trouble they went to?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on June 07, 2007, 10:12:26 PM
Groucho Marx was interviewing a tall blonde woman with a German
accent on his You Bet Your Life show. Her name was Helga.

"So, tell me, Helga, are you married?"

"Oh yes, Groucho, very happily!"

"Do you and your husband have any children?"

"Oh yes, we have ten."

"TEN? Why so many?"

"I love my husband!"

"I love my cigar, lady, but I take it out every once in a while!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 10, 2007, 06:03:46 PM
Stress management
 
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
 
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
 
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
 
4. No one knows your secret place.
 
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
 
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
 
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 10, 2007, 06:28:12 PM
Slinky
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on June 10, 2007, 11:12:00 PM
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
A Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f**k her again."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: aikorob on June 11, 2007, 10:28:11 AM
TFF Bill!

I've been dealing with engineering types all morning    :exploding:---now I am dreaming of that stream!
Title: GW Bush - Hilarious and Amazing
Post by: Gator on June 13, 2007, 06:38:14 PM
This kid is amazing.  He seems to have written his own material.

If you love Bush and can take a joke, you'll love this.  If you hate Bush, you'll love this.  If you love Bush but can't take a joke....don't even think about opening this.


http://www.jibjab.com/view/125614

If you have never neen to Jibjab before, be prepared to spend some time there.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on June 14, 2007, 01:01:16 AM
TFF Gator.  I haven't seen a dead-on impression like that since Joe Piscopo did Frank Sinatra.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on June 15, 2007, 12:16:25 PM
JOKES FROM THE SOVIET UNION: (RIP)

1.IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN A FROG........................Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918


.2.American style of risk: Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France: Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style: Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway

3. Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?

4. Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

5. Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in ****, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

6. A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.

7. "Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"

8. A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."

9. What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

10. When was the first Russian election held?
-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."

11.Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

12. Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

13. Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

14. Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

15. Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.

16. A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 15, 2007, 03:31:04 PM
Gator posted this survey and I copied it and pasted it here.

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.

* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.

* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turkey on June 16, 2007, 06:46:25 AM
Rvrwind, here's another one.

Gorbachev reportedly tells this story:

"This guy," he says, "was standing in line for 10 hours to buy vodka, and finally decided to go to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev. The next day, the guy was back in the vodka line: 'It didn't work,' he tells the others. 'The line to the Kremlin is even longer.'"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turkey on June 16, 2007, 06:51:09 AM
More jokes from :  http://www.cla.wayne.edu/polisci/kdk/stuff/jokes.htm

:"These jokes were collected in the winter and spring of 1991 by students of at the Vysoka škola strojni a elektroteknicka (VŠSE) v Plzni, now the University of West Bohemia, Plzeň, Czech Republic.  Any errors of translation or interpretation are my own."

There are a bunch of them.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 17, 2007, 02:54:06 AM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told
me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all
of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
dolls."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Sohkay on June 17, 2007, 05:54:30 AM
True story...The last time I went to see my dentist, I said to him, "You must really like George Bush."

He said, "Why's that?"

I responded, "Because...finally there's someone less popular than a dentist."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on June 17, 2007, 08:52:30 AM
Turkey,

The Czech jokes about socialism are  hilarious. Although some are old, many are new to me.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on June 18, 2007, 12:33:23 AM
All right men... let's take another quiz.

Guy Test


Note: Although this is a test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.
Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men, and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for family business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the paper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may… How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his " still useable " underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turkey on June 18, 2007, 03:37:01 PM
Two funny pieces from www.theonion.com


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38517

http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/russia_engages_in_saber

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 22, 2007, 11:09:33 AM
 Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
 that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The I-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on June 22, 2007, 02:44:15 PM
Bill, does it come with optional woofers?  Now I'm waiting for the next big announcement of the new "boom box"   :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on June 22, 2007, 05:47:35 PM
Scott, witty.  Is it still referred to as "box"?  I think I heard that term first from my father when I was a boy. 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on June 24, 2007, 10:20:17 AM
One of my senior surveyors was breaking in a new Rodman/Helper on a job some years ago.  He was a little amazed that the company had assigned a woman new hire to the job but thought if she was a good worker he could deal with it.   After surveying in a point he needed to drive a stake into the ground to mark the spot precisely, at which time he realised he didn't have the hammer with him.  He signaled the new helper with the usual hand signals; he pointed to his eye, then pointed to his knee, and finally made a hammering motion with his hand... The translation of this is "I kneed the hammer"... After a few seconds of thought the new lady helper replied by pointing to her eye, then very seductively massaged her breast for a moment and the grabbed herself in the crotch.  The surveyor was totally mystified by this and decided he'd have to walk the quarter mile back the line to find out what that was all about.  Upon reaching her he asked what the hell she was doing,,, she explained it this way...  I was trying to tell you that "I left-tit in the box".
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on June 25, 2007, 12:46:18 PM
Is this true?  Is it current?  My apology if it is old.

Gates vs. GM
>
>
>At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
>computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
>
>"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
>all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
>
>
>In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>stating:
>
>If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
>with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
>
>1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
>Twice a day.
>
>2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
>new car.
>
>3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
>have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
>the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
>some reason you would simply accept this.
>
>4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
>car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
>reinstall the engine.
>
>5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
>five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
>percent of the roads.
>
>6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
>replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
>light.
>
>7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
>8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock yo u out and
>refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
>turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
>9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
>to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
>same manner as the old car.
>
>10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: KenC on June 25, 2007, 12:49:25 PM
Gator,
Seen that before, but it is still funny!
KenC
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 26, 2007, 04:09:49 PM
Blonde guy joke for a change..........

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 09:02:22 AM
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly .... he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold. "

" I have a better idea, " she replied " Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "

" Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

" Good, " she replied .. " Get your own f...ing blanket. "

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted. !
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 07:12:46 PM


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she
asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,' Said the madam.

'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -
too expensive, and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive
night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, 'South Carolina.'

'Really' she said. 'I have family in South Carolina.'

'I know,' the man said 'Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 08:39:33 PM
Happy Hour In Texas

 
I  was driving down a back road in Texas . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

 
Happy Hour Special...
 
Lobster Tail and Beer



and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!


Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on June 27, 2007, 09:38:18 PM

Lobster Tail and Beer and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!
Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 11:18:17 PM
Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.

You crack me up LOLOLOL

Take care,

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 11:21:49 PM
The new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Yuri stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Yuri?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 28, 2007, 02:24:33 PM
Little Yuri watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on

her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing

the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Yuri. "Giving up?"

***********************


Little Yuri attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Yuri asked, "Pappa, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Yuri, looking worried, said, "Pappa, I think the Neighbor guy wants to buy
Momma."


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 03, 2007, 04:50:20 PM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die." she replied
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: batman on July 04, 2007, 08:47:55 AM
Little Johnny Joke:
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of
her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was. He replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her ." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:31:54 PM
random stuff
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:36:25 PM
Confucious SAY!!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:37:06 PM
understanding wife
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:52:32 PM
A RUSSIAN AND BO, A DUMBASS WRESTLER FROM THIBODAUX, LOUISIANA
WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.

BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, BOUDREAUX'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN.

HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED". BOUDREAUX NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

AS THE MATCH STARTED, BO THE DumbASS AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING BOUDREAUX AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.

A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST.

HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR.

HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND BOUDREAUX COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "BO HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE?!"

THEN BO ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE, SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."

SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF?"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 06, 2007, 07:00:10 PM
 
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,  "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and  oddities such as scars and so forth."
 
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately  said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
 
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and  exclaimed, "Didn't you  hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!!  You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
 
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time,but . ."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.    He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!  His bio says he wears contacts!  How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
 
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."



     
     
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 07:36:04 PM
Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......
and  one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

SPEEDING TICKET
A  police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.    Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs!"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on July 07, 2007, 02:46:24 AM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 08, 2007, 06:28:46 PM
You guys are Priceless.....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on July 09, 2007, 02:04:01 AM
As long as your smilin' Mamma D & not wielding the rolling pin, I am a happy camper!! :blowkiss:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 09, 2007, 07:48:26 PM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: MaxxumUSA on July 10, 2007, 02:50:41 AM
Ok all...

This is not a joke.  This is a true story - and happened to me.

It was 1995 or so.  I was 27 years old.  At the time I was toward the end of my first marriage.  We were fighting often.

I had long hair because my AW liked me with long hair.  But I was prior military and didn't care either way.  So we got in a fight and I decided I would cut my hair short - military style, just to piss her off.

Living in upstate, NY we had an old Italian barber who cut 60% of everyone's hair in our little town.  He had 3 other barbers working there - all old Italian men.  I sit in the chair on the end with my long hair - and tell the barber I want a crew cut.  He sees my long hair and after I confirm this is what I want he goes to work.

As he is working on my crew cut I notice the other three old Italian barbers splashing hair tonics and elixers on their customer's hair.  My barber finishes my crew cut and I notice - for the first time in my life - that my hairline is receeding.  Oh my.

So I say to the barber:  "It looks like I'm starting to go bald!"
Barber, with thick Italian accent:  "Yes - You-a going-a bald-a."

With quick thinking I am looking around for a solution to this problem.  Money is no object.  I look around and notice that other men had been getting this hair tonic stuff put on their heads.  There were quite a few different types of bottles on the counters.  Looked like the liquor shelf at a bar.

So I point to the counter with all the tonic and hair products and ask my barber:  "What is the best thing for my baldness?"

Barber takes a moment, looks at the hair tonics, then leans in close to me and looks me in the eye.  He whispers to me:  "Acceptance!"

---true story---  I never had a problem with my baldness past those few short moments.  :)

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on July 11, 2007, 09:10:32 AM
True story.

My director calls and tells he wants to know the salary.
"The guy is 30 and will be married with three children"

My answer "Don't you think he will get legal problems doing that ?"

Luckily this director had a sense of humour.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 11, 2007, 04:50:48 PM
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(For the answer, scroll down.)



































Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on July 11, 2007, 04:55:12 PM
 :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:

I haven't laughed that good in a while
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 14, 2007, 09:27:38 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him.
He's my brother. He's four and we saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 17, 2007, 05:45:21 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.  "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with  admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

 The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.   

"Little partner," the firefighter said.  "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: MaxxumUSA on July 17, 2007, 07:03:16 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.  "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with  admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

 The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.   

"Little partner," the firefighter said.  "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."



OMG

I think there's a siren in my house after laughing at this one

Thanks bill.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 17, 2007, 07:22:04 PM


Not exactly humor.....But have a look....Beautiful.

 http://www.powerofattitudemovie.com/

Peace and love....

Mamma D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 17, 2007, 07:51:02 PM
Mamma D,

 That was beautiful. I could swear I saw some of those places when I lived in Canada. If not, they were mirrors.

 Hope all is going well with you and your wonderful family!

Ken
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on July 17, 2007, 10:26:45 PM
Mamma D

Very beautiful and inspiring-Thank you
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 18, 2007, 11:04:02 PM
Now talk about a bad situation...and making the best of things................almost!

http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf     
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 19, 2007, 10:02:00 AM
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She  tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 24, 2007, 03:52:09 PM
Subject: Ed
 
 
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding  anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning", I expect to find a  gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift  box wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to  the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a  brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for  him!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on July 24, 2007, 04:08:51 PM
A penguin is drving into town for his weekly shopping and his car starts playing up, coughing, spluttering. No matter, the repair shop (garage in UK!) is nearby, so he drops the car off.

The nice repairman says no probelm, I'll take a look, so the penguin waddles off into town to buy hus shopping.

He reaches the frozen food store and decides to get his favourite frozen fish sticks, but as he looks he falls to temptation and buys four litres of vanilla ice cream instead. And messily scoffs the lot on the walk back to the car.

The car repair man his the car bonnet (hood!) up and he's stratching his head, in that reassuringly expensive way, and say's  to the approaching penguin...

'Looks like you blew a seal....'

And the penguin quickly answers, pointing at his beak, 'No, it's ice-cream'..........


     
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on July 24, 2007, 04:18:07 PM
Here's a classic I posted here before:

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if  I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "magic."

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that
tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f* *k off.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 02:14:48 PM
When a man found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
 sickly father died, hedecided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
 evening he went to a singles bar wherehe spotted the most beautiful woman he had
 ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breathaway.
    
    "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
 
             her, "but in just aweek or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
 
             million dollars."
   
    Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three

            days later, she becamehis stepmother.
   
    Women are so often much smarter than men...

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 06:05:36 PM
The tax office decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to their office.
The tax auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the tax office finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This
morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and p--ss all over
your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 06:08:00 PM
THE LONE RANGER WAS AMBUSHED AND CAPTURED BY AN
ENEMY INDIAN WAR PARTY.
THE INDIAN CHIEF PROCLAIMS, "SO, YOU ARE THE
GREAT LONE RANGER. IN HONOR OF THE HARVEST FESTIVAL, YOU WILL BE EXECUTED IN THREE DAYS. BUT, BEFORE I KILL YOU, I WILL GRANT YOU THREE REQUESTS.
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE."
THE CHIEF NODS AND SILVER IS BROUGHT BEFORE THE
LONE RANGER, WHO WHISPERS IN SILVER'S EAR AND THE HORSE GALLOPS > AWAY.

LATER THAT EVENING, SILVER RETURNS WITH A
BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WOMAN ON HIS BACK. AS THE INDIAN CHIEF WATCHES, THE BLONDE
ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE NEXT MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF ADMITS HE'S IMPRESSED. "YOU HAVE A VERY FINE AND LOYAL HORSE BUT I WILL STILL KILL YOU IN TWO DAYS.

WHAT IS YOUR SECOND REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER AGAIN ASKS TO SPEAK TO HIS HORSE.
SILVER IS BROUGHT TO HIM, AND HE AGAIN WHISPERS IN THE HORSE'S EAR. AS BEFORE, SILVER TAKES OFF ACROSS THE PLAINS AND DISAPPEARS OVER THE HORIZON.

LATER THAT EVENING, TO THE CHIEF'S SURPRISE, SILVER AGAIN RETURNS, THIS TIME WITH A BRUNETTE, EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE BLONDE.
SHE ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF IS AGAIN
IMPRESSED. "YOU ARE INDEED A MAN OF MANY TALENTS BUT I STILL KILL YOU TOMORROW.

"WHAT IS YOUR LAST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE....ALONE." THE CHIEF IS CURIOUS BUT HE AGREES AND SILVER IS
BROUGHT TO THE LONE RANGER'S TENT. ONCE THEY'RE ALONE, THE LONE
RANGER GRABS SILVER BY BOTH EARS, LOOKS HIM SQUARE IN THE EYE AND SAYS, "LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY YOU DUMB ASS HORSE. FOR THE LAST TIME . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 08:06:35 PM
Q/ What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?

A. "I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on July 26, 2007, 12:48:41 AM
What are three words you never want to hear when you're having sex?



Honey I'm home!! :o
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 01:14:50 AM
bear you crack me up!!!!

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on July 26, 2007, 02:22:10 AM
Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"

Australian Foreplay "You awake?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 02:47:55 PM
Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"

Australian Foreplay "You awake?"

American foreplay......

After I had sex with this young woman many years ago, I said to her "if I had known you were a virgin I would have taken a little more time"
She said to me "if you had taken a little more time I would have removed my panty hose"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 02:53:10 PM
A babuska gets pulled over for speeding...
Babushka: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Babushka: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Babushka: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Babushka: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Babushka: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Babushka: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Babushka: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Babushka: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Babushka: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Babushka: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Babushka: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The Babushka digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Babushka: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral of the story is........
Don't mess with Babushka's
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 02:56:19 PM
Do you really know your theology?   
 

 

 

3 MEN IN HISTORY WALKED ON WATER

 

The 1st one was Christ...

 

The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter...
 
 

 

Then there was this guy, Jose...

 

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 07:04:40 PM
One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.


He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.


By this time the woman was becoming aroused, and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.


"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.


He whispered back, "I found the remote."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 28, 2007, 07:57:48 PM
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together
two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people wasn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says,"I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,
that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Icarus on July 28, 2007, 09:09:48 PM
Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2.Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage roll and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.


3. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans

4. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6.The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 29, 2007, 06:26:44 PM
One day little Yuri was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Yana said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Pavel said your head, 'cause you need it to think.

Little Yuri raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Yuri said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.

Yuri replied, "I was walking past my momma's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 29, 2007, 07:27:59 PM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked
him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying in...

P.....
E.....
N.....
I.....
S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD
DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 31, 2007, 07:19:52 PM
Something for the "Suthaner's" amongst us.

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Shreveport, La. refinery. A Yankee applied for the
same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the
manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. On question No.4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Maxx2 on July 31, 2007, 09:18:42 PM
1:59 minutes long. I liked this one and since this is a humor thread I'll post it here.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnUvw1rzziE[/youtube]

"Because it's extremely farrrrrrr"


Maxx
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 01, 2007, 11:14:23 AM
A Touching Elephant Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on August 01, 2007, 01:15:11 PM
Why do Elephants paint their toenails different colors???



So they can hide in a box of Smarties!!!



Ever see an elephant hide in a box of Smarties???




Works pretty good don't it???  :cheesygrin:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 01, 2007, 02:39:13 PM
Quotes and misquotes...........

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Friction is a drag.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
 
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive a car or play golf

Clones are people two.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
 
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I drive way too fast and take too many chances to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

One Liner sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on August 01, 2007, 02:50:13 PM
Too Many idiots & not enough ammunition!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humour!!
Post by: Ste on August 01, 2007, 02:55:08 PM
Richard, spotted this news headline about you in the Toronto Star:

http://richard.wright.swellserver.com/news/top_stories/worldrecord.php
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Maxx2 on August 01, 2007, 04:34:28 PM
Thanks Ste. It helps explain allot to me about Richard Wright. A few years ago I called Richard a few times in regard to a certain lady. He was always breathing heavy and seemed out of breath. I just assumed he had a lung condition from smoking too many cigarettes. He seemed distracted. This link explains allot about that. Probably in training for the event. Ste, good cyber detective work!



Maxx   
Title: Re: Time for some Humour!!
Post by: Ste on August 01, 2007, 04:44:13 PM
Subtle, Maxx, subtle!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 01, 2007, 04:53:30 PM
Blonde jokes are best in bunches

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on August 02, 2007, 02:21:22 AM
TFF  :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
Quote
Richard, spotted this news headline about you in the Toronto Star:
Your lucky I got a good sense of humor or I'd have to kill ya' LMAO
Wrong Richard Wright but hilarious none the less!! :ROFL: :ROFL:
Draw Slick!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 03, 2007, 05:22:08 AM
Not a joke

Too Many idiots & not enough ammunition!!


My Grandfather who is 93, shot an elk in the forest last year (he was only 92 then) and hauled it out with horses, he would never shoot at a quail unless he could hit two of them. Sometimes he only hit one but he didn't aim that way. He also reloaded his own cartridges. When he was 65 he retired and signed a ten year agreement and told me he would not be alive when the agreement was over. He only had one loan in his entire life on a car of all things. He bought his ranch with cash.

But to tie this back to Richards statement about not enough ammunition. Just line them up properly, it saves lead. You can always reload.

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 05, 2007, 06:35:18 PM
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''

''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.
''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 05, 2007, 07:04:18 PM
How Should I Know?
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

Not at all tasty. Doctor's true story.
I was caring for a blonde woman in the hospital and asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?"
"It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I asked if I could see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

17 Days............ Old blonde jokes
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffee shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

The Blonde and the Shepard
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Ventriloquist Dummy
Morris, a ventriloquist, is doing a show at a local club. With the dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and reaching our full potential as a person, just because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general! And all in the name of so-called humor!"
Morris is shocked. He begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee."
Blonde Jokes
Stranded
Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 05, 2007, 07:11:40 PM
Ancient Chinese Torture

  A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 06, 2007, 09:17:13 AM
Why do they call it PMS? because Mad Cow was already taken........

My exwifes licence plate
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 07, 2007, 07:42:18 PM
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. A

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on August 08, 2007, 09:37:04 AM

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Too darn hot....Thank God for Air Concitioning! ^i^
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on August 08, 2007, 10:38:59 PM
A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.

She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing .... ........ ....She had him arrested.


When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

And The case was dismissed... .....!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on August 10, 2007, 11:55:44 PM
... from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I stopped, and brought her home.

Then I made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator.

She had some old worn out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they'd gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 11, 2007, 12:29:43 PM
An old joke:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-MART!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on August 13, 2007, 05:59:16 AM
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The student got an A.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 14, 2007, 03:01:00 PM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.  "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 15, 2007, 02:15:45 PM
The danger of giving Up wine
       
A woman was walking down the street when I was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for
a couple of dollars for dinner.

Taking out her wallet, pulling out ten dollars asked, "If I give
 you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
 
"No,I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" she
asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to
 spend all my time trying to stay alive."
   
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" She asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
 done in 20 years!"

"Well," the woman said said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won 't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? & I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.

The woman said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on August 16, 2007, 10:00:59 AM
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so he gave each woman $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.
 
The first woman had a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, had her hair done, got new make-up, bought several new outfits, then dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.
 
The man was impressed.

The second woman bought gifts for the man. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.
 
Again, the man was impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She returned the $5,000 to the man, and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.
 
Obviously, the man was impressed.
 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
 
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. (Men are like that, you know.)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 16, 2007, 02:31:23 PM
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked little Sergie what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked little Yuri what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Pavel what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Pavel thought real hard about it (didn't want to use baby talk), then puffed out his chest with great  pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 16, 2007, 09:59:04 PM
A Texas Trooper was driving home after working a 12 hour day when a car came on the highway in front of him at a high rate of speed. The Trooper followed this car for a mile or two then activated his overhead lights to pull the car over, well the car then drove faster and a short pursuit followed before the driver finally stopped about 5 miles down the highway.

  At this point the Trooper was mad as hell and he walked up to the driver and told him; " Buddy I've just finished a long shift, I'm tired, hungry and I'm heading home and you're speeding on my highway, give me one reason why I shouldn't arrest you and tow your car.

 The driver looks at the Trooper for a minute or so then replies "Well sir there's actually a very simple explanation for my actions.  You see 15 years ago my wife ran off with a Trooper and the reason I didn't stop is I thought you were the Trooper she ran off with and you were bringing her back.

The Trooper then told the guy to have a nice day and left
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 19, 2007, 04:05:07 PM
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this lady:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on August 20, 2007, 05:06:36 PM
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 

 

 2 .   People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 

 

3.  When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 

 

4.  When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 

 

5.  When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 

 

6.  People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 

 

8 . When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 

 

9.  When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 20, 2007, 05:35:09 PM

 
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 23, 2007, 07:08:58 PM
I tried to post something but it didn't work

So I will substitute this joke instead

A crusty old man walks into the a local Church and says to the
Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on August 28, 2007, 03:32:16 AM
Russian humor about America (do not be offended ;))

Two Russian immigrant students decided to pull a prank by letting three pigs loose in their school.
They also painted numbers on them. 1, 2 and 4. Cops spent one week looking for pig nr 3.  :wallbash:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 10:08:05 AM
*WARNING POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH ADULT THEMES*

Three guys from different agencies (CIA/FBI/Los Angeles Police Department) are talking to each other at a bar and begin arguing over who has the best  technique in finding a person, well after disagreeing for a while they finally decide to meet in the forest and release a particular bunny rabbit and whoever finds this rabbit in the shortest amount of time wins.

 The CIA guys wins the coin toss and he goes into the forest first, he offers weapons and amnesty to the first animal that gives up the rabbit, well after two days the CIA guy comes out of the forest holding the rabbit.

 Next the FBI goes in and gives money to different animals to be informants and offers a large cash reward to any animal that can help locate and seize the rabbit, after one day the FBI comes out holding the rabbit.

  Finally LAPD goes into the forest and the other two guys hear all kinds of commotion coming from inside the forest, well after 3 hours the LAPD guy comes out of the forest holding a beaten and bloody badger that's screaming "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"   

I know, I'm a sick puppy and I need help
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 10:12:16 AM
a husband and wife are eating dinner and the husband is feeling a bit smug and he tells his wife;

 "Honey I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

to which his wife thinks for a minute then replies "Well, you're a much better lover then your brother"

thank you folks I'm here all week
Title: Bad day at the office
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 11:08:44 AM
I was going over some old photos and I came across the one below that happened about a year ago.

One night I was driving in an industrial park in my highly mobile crime fighting platform looking for evil do'ers doing evil (there had been a rash of burglaries in this area) when I smelled electrical wiring burning.  Well being the highly trained and experienced crime fighting Supervisor that I am,  I thought one of the complexes/warehouses had just caught on fire so I began looking for signs of smoke or flame. 

  I had driven about 4 or 5 blocks when smoke began filling the cab of my highly efficient crime fighting machine, so using my highly efficient deductive skills honed by years of crime fighting, I came to the conclusion that my vehicle was on fire.  So having the publics safety in mind I drove another block and parked in the middle of a major intersection so as to allow the fire department ample access to this in progress situation (honestly, shutting down a major interection and irritating my Lieutenant had nothing to do with it ;D )

  So after I parked the vehicle dead center in the middle of the intersection I got out  and notified dispatch (via my portable radio) to send the fire department since my vehicle was in a combustable status ( No I wasn't smiling when I said this-honest ;) )

  At this time flame had started to emerge from the hood as I quickly walked to the passenger side and retrieved my duty bag and other personal items (lunch cooler) and then went over to the sidewalk and set everything down, got my camera out of the bag and took a couple of pictures of the vehicle on fire and then opened a bottle of water . 


  Well my lieutenant decided to leave the comfort of his office and he (along with about 4 Officers) came with all of their pretty lights flashing. When The Lieutenant arrived he ask if I had been able to retrieved the laptop or the shotgun, to which I replied no, but that I was fine and I was lucky to have escaped with my life (I almost kept a straight face when I said this).  The Lieutenant then asked why I wasn't directing traffic, to which I replied "Well sir I think even the most moronic idiot in this fair city could see that there is a police car on fire and sitting in the middle of the intersection and that perhaps they should look for other avenues of travel and that I didn't think me in the middle of an intersection at night with flames blinding everyone would be to the benefit of my health.

  So here's the final tally;


(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe_1.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe-front.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe-side.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Laptop.jpg)
One police equipped Chevrolet Tahoe - $40,000.00
One Panasonic "Toughbook" laptop   -  $5000.00
One department issued shotgun       -  $800.00

The look on your Lieutenants face when he realizes all of the paperwork for the above items and realizes that he can't do a damn thing to stop it-PRICELESS!!!

I love my job sometimes
Title: Re: Bad day at the office
Post by: Bruno on August 28, 2007, 02:58:23 PM
Bear.....

Have you save the "doughnuts" from the fire ?

 :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 04:34:24 PM
Bruno

Why do you think I'm smiling in my avatar ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on August 29, 2007, 07:30:22 AM
This one thanks to Jeff S on our sister board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog... Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no - I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time , but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on August 30, 2007, 07:38:31 AM
9 Things people always do that bugs me,

1.  People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2.  People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote control because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3.  When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4.  When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5.  When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6.  People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7.  When advertisers say something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's an improvement on an existing product, then there must have been something before, so it couldn't be new.  What kinda moron thought that one up?

8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone walks up and asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

and finally....

9. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on August 31, 2007, 05:30:29 PM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GAWD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and accidentally spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on August 31, 2007, 05:39:47 PM
I love airline humor.....

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, saying: "US Air, I think that was my ex-wife speaking".
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on August 31, 2007, 05:49:42 PM
This one happened while I was doing touch 'n go's at DAB (Daytona)
many years ago.

Tower: "National 411, we've got an Embry Riddle Cessna downwind, execute a
turn to the right and come around again.

National pilot: "Daytona Control, do you realize it costs National Airlines about
two thousand dollars to make such a maneuver?"

Tower: "National 411, please give me a two thousand dollar turn to the right...."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on September 01, 2007, 04:09:13 AM
Near the Portugese coast:
"Attention US Aircraft carrier, this is Estoril T-21, you are on a collision course please turn to the right."
"Estoril T-21, This is the USS Carrier, we are a large ship to maneuver, we will continue."
"USS Carrier, this is Estoril T-21, You really need to change your course to avoid collision."
"Estoril T-21, this is the Admiral of the USS Carrier, we are carrying 20 armed planes, 400 men and are accompanied by  two cruisers and one submarine. We will not change our course for anything."
"Admiral, this is Jose Mourinho from Estoril T-21. I am sitting here with my wife and our dog. If you do not change your course your whole fleet will ram the Portugese coast".

From Russian TV:
The American news you can best watch with some beer and pretzels. For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 02, 2007, 01:46:42 PM
Letter from my favorite aunt

Dear Bill,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
 
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Hope all well with you,

Your Favorite Aunt

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on September 02, 2007, 07:28:23 PM
From Russian TV:
 For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.

Your Russkie comrade in the frozen north: http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25092.html
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Serebro on September 03, 2007, 03:51:41 AM
One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 03, 2007, 03:15:36 PM
One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.


Serebro, (drasnit) I can't imagine how any woman resist such a great catch! He had a fiance of several years (inability to commit), no real job or prospects, or material possessions or likely to have any in the future. LOL

You could have replied, "DA DA!! send me this photo to the general mailbox at antidate along with your first and last name and address! would you please send all future photos and correspondence there as I am sure you will find your future muse and love soon."

The truth is always funnier then the best fiction.

Take care,

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on September 05, 2007, 02:30:11 PM
   The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line  romantic poem...except that the last  line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

     1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
     Marrying you screwed up my life.

     2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
     That's why I always wake up screaming.

     3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
     This describes everything you are not.

     4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
     But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

     5. I thought that I could love no other
     that is, until I met your brother.

     6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
     But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
     bowl's empty, and so is your head.

     7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
     But don't take that paper bag off your face.

     8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
     Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

     9. My love, you take my breath away.
     What have you stepped in to smell this way?

     10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
     Except for maybe "Go to hell."

     11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
     Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: KenC on September 06, 2007, 07:23:58 AM
Thought about posting this in one of the age gap threads, but better here.
KenC
>
>
>   GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>
>   Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
>
>   Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
>
>   Between 31 and 35, a woman is like  India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
>
>   Between 36 and 4 0, a woman is like  France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
>
>   Between 41 and 50, a woman is like  Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
>
>   Between 51 and 60, a woman is like  Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
>
>   Between 61 and 70, a woman is like  Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
>
>   After 70, she becomes Tibet .... Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
>
>   GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
>   Between 1 and 78, a man is like  Iran , ruled by a dick

 


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 06, 2007, 02:52:11 PM
I saw this online in another forum:

A dyslexic walks into a bra.


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 06, 2007, 03:39:32 PM
I saw this online in another forum:

A dyslexic walks into a bra.




LOL
I am soooooo............stealing that joke
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 06, 2007, 03:40:41 PM
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 06, 2007, 05:21:39 PM
A man sees his attractive, young, blond neighbor going to her mailbox every hour or so and gets curious.

Finally he goes outside and asks her what she is doing.

She tells him she just bought a brand new computer and whenever she turns it on a voice tells her she has mail.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 06, 2007, 07:07:21 PM
A newlywed groom stood off to the side of the reception hall
with his best man. Eyeing the crowd, he remarked, "You know
what? With the exception of my bride, my sister, and my mother
I've had every woman in this room!"

The best man replied, "Between us both, we've had them all."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 06, 2007, 08:14:25 PM
Not a dirty joke..........

TWO Nuns lived at the convent


One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster
SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on September 06, 2007, 09:37:00 PM
I saw this online in another forum:

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

He stayed up all night wondering there was really was a dog.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 07, 2007, 08:25:41 AM
Dominus Nabisco Cookies
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on September 07, 2007, 09:06:55 AM
I used to have a dyslexic labrador retreiver.  Whenever he would fetch ducks he would run across the top of the water never even getting his feet wet.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 07, 2007, 05:37:17 PM
"I am not a gay necrophiliac," declared Ralph, in dead earnest...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 07, 2007, 06:14:52 PM
Ok, I don't get the last three jokes

Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on September 07, 2007, 06:19:56 PM
Bill,

Mine was so obvious... Of course, nobody else laughed either.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 07, 2007, 06:30:01 PM
Bill, I don't really want to review 13 pages, so tell me: have we covered
the "Neil Armstrong" joke?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on September 07, 2007, 10:21:07 PM
Ok, I don't get the last three jokes

Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?

Bill

Yes  ;D
At the point when a joke needs to be explained it ceases to be funny  ;) (but I really liked Vaughns, and jb's was pretty good too  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on September 08, 2007, 03:19:03 AM
Ok, I don't get the last three jokes

Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?

Bill

Hmmm... i get these of JB... so, 1/3... not bad for a foreign guy...

Now, one question for 2tallbill ... Are you a real blond guy ? If yes, i understand your 0/3...

 :ROFL:  :cheesygrin: :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 08, 2007, 05:53:21 AM
You mean mine?
Dominus Vobiscum was something from latin class in Catholic school.
We used to say Dominus Nabisco Cookies instead.
Someone else told me he said Dominus Go Frisk Em
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 08, 2007, 05:52:48 PM
Yes  ;D
At the point when a joke needs to be explained it ceases to be funny  ;) (but I really liked Vaughns, and jb's was pretty good too  :thumbsup:

I was simply remarking on the unfortunate fact that three fastballs went over the plate
in a row and I couldn't put wood on any of them. 

To Bruno: no blonde just brown with grey mixed in.

I don't have alzheimer's but I definitely have part timers

Take care,

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 08, 2007, 06:51:10 PM
Bill, I don't really want to review 13 pages, so tell me: have we covered
the "Neil Armstrong" joke?

None on Neil Armstrong as of yet.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Simoni on September 08, 2007, 11:17:41 PM
Now that we have a break in the jokes, I have a question....  does anyone else find the russian jokes translated into English rather lame?

While in Ukraine this summer, lots of guys shared jokes with me and laughed and laughed! But to me they were very funny at all.  Most that is.  Some were  :D

Russian humor has to be acquired...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on September 09, 2007, 05:04:03 AM
Russian Humor is an aquired taste alright. It helps if you know the language, the culture & the history however.
This one should be easy for all. The girls at the office laughed way too much over it.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 13, 2007, 08:12:09 PM
Now that we have a break in the jokes, I have a question....  does anyone else find the russian jokes translated into English rather lame?

No doubt about it. I spotted this one in a Russian journal, and decided to memorize
it in Russian. It brings gales of laughter when I tell it to a group of Russians, but my
suspicion is that they're just as tickled by my New Yorkskii accent.

A wife tells her husband that their flat really needs sone new wallpaper. "Go talk to
the neighbor - he just finished papering their place." The hubby goes down the hall
and approaches Sergei, asking, "Hi Neighbor! Tell me - we want to wallpaper our
apartment - and yours is identical in size - so how many rolls of paper did you buy?"

"Nine" answered Sergei. So hubby goes to the market and finds a good deal on nine
rolls - and finishes the job that weekend. Trouble was, he had two rolls left over, and
couldn't figure out why. So he visits Sergei again:  "I thought you told me you bought
nine rolls. We bought nine, but have two remaining."

Sergei answers, "So do we."

Not hilarious, but it seems to be in the FSU. Or maybe it is my accent and unpolished grammar.
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: LadyX on September 27, 2007, 12:41:59 AM
Hi! Just couple funny pics... :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 01, 2007, 06:04:43 PM
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.  He puts the alligator up on the bar.  He turns to the astonished patrons. 
 
"I'll make you a deal.  I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.  Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.  Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.  In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his big unit and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. 
 
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.  "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.  After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me with the beer bottle!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: baldrick on October 02, 2007, 09:46:51 AM
Paddy and Mick (Irish) were at the morgue to identify Sheamus,s body that had been badly burnt. Paddy goes first and turns the body over and looks at his ass and says "no thats not him". Mick goes next, turns the body over and looks at his ass and says "you,re right Paddy that,s not him". The doctor somewhat puzzled asks "how do you know its not him?". Thats easy says Mick, when we used to go out everybody used to say "here comes Sheamus with the two assholes"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!! Generic Names for medicine
Post by: Turboguy on October 02, 2007, 04:08:05 PM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Examples, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil, is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by
teams of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, & it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day:There's more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on October 03, 2007, 12:08:24 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....
It reads:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

   HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

   10 MILES

  He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

   HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

   5 MILES

  Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real, and then he drives past a third sign saying:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

   HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

   NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
 "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
 He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

  GO IN PEACE.

  YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on October 09, 2007, 06:13:47 AM
This would be funny.....

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?ad_key=SBOSFJTXIERM&tracking_id=881224&id=575

if it weren't true.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Zadan on October 09, 2007, 01:21:56 PM
A few days ago I was browsing around craigslist looking for info on things to do while in NYC / Manhattan. I found this hilarious thread which is now removed:

Quote
MORE advice for woman seeking $500k+ earning man
Reply to: pers-439983703@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-04, 1:57PM EDT


What am I doing wrong?


Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or
other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

**********

MY ADVICE:

Dear Pers-431649184:

I also came across your posting with great interest. I am a 28 year old Wall Street trader who qualifies as an eligible suitor under your $500k/yr rule. In fact, I make over a million and can usher a woman into a comfortable, true middle class lifestyle (not like those 500k lower-middle class chumps who have to make do with the junior two-bedroom).

I am sympathetic to your goal in finding a rich man to marry. The milk needs to be sold by the expiration date. But since this is premium milk, why would you settle for less than premium prices? I would like to address some of the questions that were previously missed by the other gentleman and provide constructive advice on where to find your match.

I also do believe in the efficient market theory, and am surprised that $500k hasn't found you yet. There are plenty of rich lawyers, investment bankers and hedgies to go around in this city. What gives? I think the problem might be that you have not been sufficiently focused in your search efforts.

The culprit, I believe, may be that you are also looking for qualities aside from money - such as looks, personality, and a sense of humor. However, men who have those qualities learn at an early age that they do not need money to attract quality women. As the saying goes, if you can get the milk for free, why pay up for the cow?

What you need to look for is someone who is long money, and short the other aspects. They are not easy to spot, since you are biologically wired to overlook and ignore them. However, the next time that you are at a expensive black tie event, and you are introduced to the short, bald, overweight man who fidgets nervously whilst making conversation with you, pay special attention to him.

Here's an inspirational story for you. An acquaintance of mine who was also an classy and articulate woman as yourself was able to land that guy - who also happens to be one of the top ten guys at Google. This is the type of stuff that gold-digging moms read to their gold-digging daughters at bedtime. Perhaps you need to make a location change to Silicon Valley - miracles like these happen almost everyday in a land where you can randomly throw a rock and hit a rich nerd squarely in his Kim-jong Il glasses.

And as far as his deficiencies go, they turned out to be not so bad. With hundreds of millions in the bank, she's been able to clean him up and give him a little sophistication. Think of it as a fixer-upper project with a massive budget (and yourself as a visionary real estate developer!). Although, I must warn you, it is a fine line you are flirting with - you must not overdo it lest he begins to attract younger women who are hotter than yourself. The trick is, you need build him up enough to be presentable, while simultaneously manipulate him into believing you are the best that he will ever do! That, botox and having kids will be your insurance against your depreciation (or as I prefer to use the term, milk going sour).

I wish the best of luck on your sales project. As for me, I am also available for a short-term lease. However, for marriage I wouldn't consider a woman unless she can bring beauty, brains and self-motivation to the table. I do not want to dilute my gene pool and end up raising a bunch of Paris Hiltons.

 :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 09, 2007, 06:33:38 PM
Casual Friday,
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on October 10, 2007, 05:35:06 PM
Ok here is the shortest joke I know. I hope someone will get it.


Did you hear about Helena Rubenstein?


Max Factor.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on October 10, 2007, 05:44:17 PM
Pretty old but funny.

http://www.jibjab.com/originals/this_land
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 13, 2007, 02:50:47 PM
good help is hard to find
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 13, 2007, 03:47:40 PM
reset!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on October 14, 2007, 12:17:06 PM
A world renowned professor on human sexuality was giving a speech on how the more sex you have, the happier you are.

To prove his point, he asked all those in the audience who have sex once a day to raise their hands. Quite a few did and they were all smiling and laughing and in general having a great time.

Next he asked all those who have sex once a week to raise their hands and a few more did. They were also having a good time, but not quite as much as the first group.

Then he asked all those who have sex only once a month to raise their hands and those that did, well, they did not seem to be having any fun at all.

And to drill home the point, he then asked all those who have sex only once a year to raise their hands and the only one to do so was this older guy in the front row. But he was buckling over in joy and laughing his butt off.

So the professor went over to him and said, “Hey JB, how can you be so happy having sex only once a year”  and JB replied, “Because tonight is the night”!!!



(Note: Scotty, maintain full power to the shields) 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 14, 2007, 06:25:31 PM
Handy guy
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on October 14, 2007, 07:05:23 PM
(http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/Ar5ZRnciPayX.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 14, 2007, 08:58:58 PM
be careful what you wish for...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on October 15, 2007, 11:20:09 AM
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 15, 2007, 11:25:18 AM
Adoption.....

One gives life......birth mother....
Another teaches a child how to live that life.....This is a parent!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 03:34:32 PM
Not Downloaded
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 04:56:26 PM
****Warning the following Jokes / Cartoons are adult in nature and some may not see them as funny.******
****If you are easily offended then I would recommend not reading the below jokes*****

Hopefully I am not crossing the line too far. Humor is in the eye of the beholder admittedly these jokes are close to the line if not over.



 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 05:06:19 PM
Hand(some) bra


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 05:11:21 PM
So many uses
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 05:22:42 PM
Twister for two
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 06:27:47 PM
Moo
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 17, 2007, 12:41:49 PM
(http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/Ar5ZRnciPayX.jpg)

Vaughn, you were going to tell an astronaut joke.

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Sort on October 21, 2007, 05:56:24 PM
 :ROFL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 21, 2007, 10:53:46 PM
hmmmmm.....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 22, 2007, 06:47:06 AM
Global Warming........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 22, 2007, 02:16:48 PM
hold my.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 22, 2007, 02:31:42 PM
blue balls?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 23, 2007, 06:20:50 PM
Not so hot date
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 24, 2007, 07:03:48 AM
Help with translation
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Muj on October 24, 2007, 04:41:38 PM
Good ones Bill

 :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 25, 2007, 07:31:04 PM
One more stategy to win her over
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 25, 2007, 09:18:04 PM

Smells like a new car! ?  :cluebat:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 26, 2007, 01:12:19 AM
Blonde joke
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 26, 2007, 07:48:12 AM

Make a wish...................... :  wallbash:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 26, 2007, 07:54:04 PM
Pretty eyes
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on October 27, 2007, 05:14:45 AM
 A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him  out looking for
work in six weeks.'
   
      A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'
   
      A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them
out looking for work in two weeks.'
   
      The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington
where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking
for work!'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on October 27, 2007, 11:36:45 AM
 :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:  As I said in another post, defection is looking better and better
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on October 27, 2007, 11:44:27 AM
Wouldn't you just love to see Hiilary try to take on Yulia Tymoshenko?  She would be crawling back to Bill in no time.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 27, 2007, 03:09:58 PM
Rhino
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 27, 2007, 03:23:53 PM
Random Questions

IS ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 27, 2007, 06:23:28 PM
Charley Brown
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on October 28, 2007, 02:18:28 PM
A real Mail Order Bride

(and you said they don't really exist)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 06:55:54 PM
Who designed this???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 06:58:16 PM
Female IT experts........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 07:09:43 PM
Engineers
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 07:10:27 PM
Where is HE going???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 07:11:48 PM
Unreachable
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 28, 2007, 09:37:34 PM
May be some truth here..........

Drafting Guys over 60

I 'm over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.

We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Oh well, he may be OK......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on October 29, 2007, 12:15:28 PM
Who decided that teenagers have to die for their country? Why not have the leaders play a game of chess and the loser has to keep quiet for a dozen years. With George W Bush it would have to be a game he is capable of comprehending.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:10:19 PM
National Sarcasm Society
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:14:53 PM
Clearly priceless
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:18:33 PM
What could go wrong?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:27:26 PM
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
Does that mean that one enjoys it?

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

 Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
 Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;  then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

 *~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:30:59 PM
I think very few would deny that women are not more complicated than man.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:39:01 PM
A very adept man can read subtle body language changes in a woman for example...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 30, 2007, 05:23:00 PM
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best

Come Back Line Ever."


In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white

male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.



On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was

charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and

public intoxication.



The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his

way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know

how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around

for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a

telephone interview.



Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole

in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into

it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.



In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an

approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer

Brenda Taylor approached him.



"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."


Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached

Lawrence .


"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a

pumpkin?"


He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he

looked me straight in the face and said...


"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 30, 2007, 09:03:17 PM
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 30, 2007, 09:58:08 PM
Priceless
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:04:39 AM
Blonde moment
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:05:54 AM
Adult dog stores
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:07:08 AM
Multiple uses
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:08:33 AM
24 hours in a day
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:09:50 AM
be careful what you wish for
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:10:49 AM
same joke told slightly differently
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:11:27 AM
never mind
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:12:17 AM
lower standards
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:31:48 AM
Men and women often think about different things.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:40:35 AM
male brain
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Lily on November 04, 2007, 11:32:06 AM
to the famous age topic :)

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:02:57 PM
Driving test
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:05:41 PM
Did you get her number? or was it simply wishfull thinking?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:09:21 PM
The evidence keeps stacking up about global warming!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:16:34 PM
You would not believe all the things I said I would do on this day!
.
.
..
.
.




Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:20:16 PM
There is nothing like a nice relaxing day wind surfing to take your mind off of lifes problems.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 11:19:45 PM
How do these people survive?

01. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager
at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't
order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets

02. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar
code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.

03. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."

04. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing
it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."

05. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

06. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The front
of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

07. My neighbor works in the operations department
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in
the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"

08. Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.

09. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him
some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency room!

I doubt these are true stories but who knows truth is often stranger than fiction.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 11:23:27 PM
Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs, were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.


The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.



Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.


But Tillie, being older and more feeble,


couldn't reach that far...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 03:01:37 PM
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***

If you are super sensitive about such jokes skip to the next joke


Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
 
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
 
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you.
 
You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

..............................................................
Democrat's Answer:

 Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is thi s street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

..................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!


Southerner's Answer:



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 05, 2007, 03:18:46 PM
 "Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist"

:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:44:39 PM
Notice
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:45:55 PM
peer pressure.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:47:31 PM
New Drug
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:50:04 PM
Only us.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:51:50 PM
Smells like..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:55:17 PM
Some people thought Jack was slightly reluctant to show his committment to Jill. Jill says that no, Jack was just shy...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:57:33 PM
Hope springs eternal..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:01:59 PM
re·dun·dant      /rɪˈdʌndənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ri-duhn-duhnt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective 1. characterized by verbosity or unnecessary repetition in expressing ideas; prolix: a redundant style. 
2. being in excess; exceeding what is usual or natural: a redundant part. 
3. having some unusual or extra part or feature. 
4. characterized by superabundance or superfluity: lush, redundant vegetation. 
5. Engineering. a. (of a structural member) not necessary for resisting statically determined stresses. 
b. (of a structure) having members designed to resist other than statically determined stresses; hyperstatic. 
c. noting a complete truss having additional members for resisting eccentric loads. Compare complete (def. 8), incomplete (def. 3). 
d. (of a device, circuit, computer system, etc.) having excess or duplicate parts that can continue to perform in the event of malfunction of some of the parts. 
 
6. Linguistics. characterized by redundancy; predictable. 
7. Computers. containing more bits or characters than are required, as a parity bit inserted for checking purposes. 
8. Chiefly British. removed or laid off from a job. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Origin: 1595–1605; < L redundant- (s. of redundāns), prp. of redundāre to flow back, overflow, be excessive. See redound, -ant]

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:03:11 PM
Who has a bad attitude?



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:05:47 PM
I wonder why he seems a little short?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:10:12 PM
I am pissed, I always thought this counted...........

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 06, 2007, 12:13:31 AM
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.



After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"



"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."



"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"



"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 06, 2007, 04:42:05 PM
I said to sit!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 08, 2007, 11:43:17 AM
Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives
in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is
currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three
children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward
to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and
honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for
President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 01:55:21 PM
Old joke that has been around a while

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

Hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 02:04:31 PM
If you build it will they come?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 02:08:07 PM
Antidote
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:08:24 PM
note to self.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:10:30 PM
Children...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:13:47 PM
Gotta love those Tiger Fans..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:16:55 PM
Florida the Mountain State?????
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:20:05 PM
It's important to keep a positive attitude!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:25:07 PM
Easter bunny nightmares......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:29:53 PM
How rumors get started...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:39:38 PM
A mans first happy moment.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:49:08 PM
Little Billy often thought his parents sent him to the
wrong school...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 05:08:02 PM
True story, I have a collegue who sold windows to a
man named Buster Highman

I gave a bid to a man from from Viet Nam whose name
was Phuc Dat. I didn't get awarded the project.

I had another collegue who sold a man windows who his
name was Ron Heller and his company was named
Heller Highwater construction.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:41:59 PM
Breasts.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:44:39 PM
more of the same
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:45:50 PM
more
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:47:09 PM
more............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:51:27 PM
keeping abreast of things...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 07:25:53 PM
breast stroke?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 07:27:19 PM
Motivation
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:31:51 PM
Is this subject about tapped out?

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:34:35 PM
Testing..........graded pass fail?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:37:14 PM
more?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:38:23 PM
continued..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:44:58 PM
focus.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:46:48 PM
pro dater?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:07:55 PM
bad pick up lines...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:31:34 PM
deeply disturbing..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:32:28 PM
Stop Staring........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:37:53 PM
reality bites......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on November 12, 2007, 07:07:25 AM
2tallbill you are the Henny Youngman of RWD.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 13, 2007, 07:36:33 AM
2tallbill you are the Henny Youngman of RWD.

That's a little more credit than I deserve, but thanks for the nice compliment.

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 13, 2007, 08:29:23 AM
Bill, you, and this thread, are about the only reason I visit RWD anymore.  You must subscribe to some sort of "Joke-Of-The-Day" service, nobody can remember that many funny stories.

Keep us laughing.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 13, 2007, 09:25:37 AM
JB your making me blush.

But no, I just tell jokes so it seems when anyone hears a good one they send it to me.

Take care,

Bill

The next joke was sent to me by my friend Charley
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 13, 2007, 09:27:40 AM
It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South
Dakota Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or
Mild.

Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught The Old
Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The Winter Was
Going To Be Like.

Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe
That The Winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The
Village Should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.

Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He Went To
The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And Asked, "is The
Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?" "It Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be
Quite Cold," The Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.

So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even More Firewood In
Order To Be Prepared.

A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "Does It still
Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?" "Yes," The Man At National
Weather Service Again Replied, "It's Going To Be A Very Cold Winter." The
Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To Collect Every Scrap
Of Firewood They Could Find.

Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service Again. "Are You
Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very Cold?" Absolutely," The
Man Replied. "It's Looking More and More Like It Is Going To Be One Of The
Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen.

"How Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.
The Weatherman Replied,

"The Indians Are Collecting Firewood Like Crazy."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 13, 2007, 09:59:05 AM
I was a tribal cop for several years and one day I was patrolling along the out skirts of the reservation when a saw a car on the side of the road with the hood up and smoke coming from the compartment. I stopped and talked to the driver to offer assistance, he was amazed that I had gotten there so quick since the car had just died.

  He asked how I knew where to find him since we were in a remote area and I replied "well where there's smoke, there's engine trouble"


Anther situation

I was at the scene of an accident and the fire department had already left when I noticed  a severed toe sitting on the side of the road, well I was a rookie at that time and couldn't think of what to do so I called a toe truck.


Thank you folks I'm here all week.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on November 13, 2007, 06:18:11 PM
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

Ready?

really ready?

 :cluebat:

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put

on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

 

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 14, 2007, 12:53:23 PM
At a southern university, students in the psychology class were attending their first class on  emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“sadness” said the student


“and the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Okalahoma.

“Elation,”  she said


“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, ”what about the opposite if woe?”

The Texan replied, ”Sir, I believe that would be ’giddy up’.”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BC on November 14, 2007, 01:06:25 PM
Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 14, 2007, 01:29:28 PM
Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:


•If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
•If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
•If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
•If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
•If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
•If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
•If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
•If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
•If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
•If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
•If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 14, 2007, 02:44:47 PM
An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad........


A few days later he received a letter from his son.......

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the bodies.
Love Bubba....


At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.....

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 14, 2007, 02:50:35 PM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 04:28:47 PM
DEAR ABBY
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse? Everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS's with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of The United States. Act like one!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BillyB on November 14, 2007, 05:18:08 PM
Is this the thread for romantic poetry?

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:07:56 PM
A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the
Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or
colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.

If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination
Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store.

Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated. If you don't have
five friends, you're already infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:12:04 PM
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********

Pregnant Lady
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting
with her mother in the doctors office.
 
She inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."
 
With big eyes, she asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."
 
Then the little girl with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
 
With even a more surprised and shocked look she said, "Then why
in the world did you eat him?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:13:56 PM
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

 

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.   

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.   

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.





Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:36:37 PM
are they coming??
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:39:32 PM
Great philosophical minds wonder.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:59:45 PM
sorry, it's a little late for halloween jokes........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:08:21 PM
Caption Contest

Winner gets a certificate of comedy (suitable for framing)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:13:16 PM
I will post the photo in a new thread as well.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:23:24 PM
my personal preferences
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:32:04 PM
Not Santa but...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:38:38 PM
can you see?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:39:32 PM
State of Mind
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:48:41 PM
Your idea...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on November 14, 2007, 09:39:10 PM
1967 vs 2007


This is being sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it... 
 
1967: Long hair 
2007: Longing for hair 
 
1967: KEG   
2007: EKG   
 
1967: Acid rock 
2007: Acid reflux 
 
1967: Moving to California because it's cool 
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 
 
1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor   
 
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
 
1967: Seeds and stems 
2007: Roughage   
 
1967: Hoping for a BMW 
2007: Hoping for a BM 
 
1967: Going to a new, hip joint 
2007: Receiving a new hip joint 
 
1967: Rolling Stones 
2007: Kidney Stones 
 
1967: Being called into the principal's office   
2007: Calling the principal's office 
 
1967: Disco   
2007: Costco   
 
1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 
 
1967: Passing the drivers' test 
2007: Passing the vision test   
 
1967: Whatever 
2007: Depends   
 
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things... 
 
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. 
 
They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff. 
 
Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 
 
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 
 
The CD was introduced the year they were born. 
 
They have always had an answering machine. 
 
They have always had cable. 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 
 
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. 
 
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 
 
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 
 
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 
 
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?" 
 
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, Boss, de plane" 
 
They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. Even is. 

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 
 
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 
 
Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 11:48:59 AM
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 11:54:06 AM
***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***

If you get indignant anytime somebody makes fun of Hillary please go on to the
next joke.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 03:37:26 PM
BC posted this in another thread. I thought I would add it here

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 03:38:35 PM
No shirt............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BillyB on November 15, 2007, 03:54:25 PM
Here's a popular one most of you probably already heard of.

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well, what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 30 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn?t reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "What the hell was that for?"

She says, "That?s for knowing the difference!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 05:36:06 PM
Put away the jaws of Life!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 05:50:29 PM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a
motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on November 15, 2007, 06:07:26 PM
Little Johnny comes running out of his Granny's bedroom and exclaims to his mum "Mum, Gran has a Prawn sticking out her private parts!"

Mum, concerned, opens her mothers bedroom door and gran is naked on the bed, asleep, smiling with satisfaction, her clitoris standing proud and erect.

Mum, in explaination mode, hiding her embarrassment says to wee Johnny "No, Johnny, that's just her clitoris...."

Little Johnny says, indignantly, "Funny, it tasted like a Prawn....."

Tones Lowered 'R' Us....

I thank you....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 09:05:54 PM
 :ROFL: Ste you are waaaaayyyy to wicked!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
>the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruce on November 16, 2007, 03:31:55 AM
The Amish Farmer:  An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking fromhis  pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts:"Trink das wasser nicht.Die  kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."  Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."  The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."  The Amish man says::"Use two hands. You'll get more."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruce on November 16, 2007, 03:36:44 AM
Subject: A bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.  So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." .and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.  The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "   After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.  It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are , would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back." 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 04:33:13 PM
Red neck neighborhood watch
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 05:08:33 PM
Bike for sale...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:11:42 PM
My exwife was a vegitarian, not because she liked animals but
because she really hated plants..............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:17:32 PM
Disney's desperate housewives
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:24:09 PM
Look the kids found some new kittens..........

Note this joke originally from AK Mike
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:33:09 PM
Not everybody finds the same things funny.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:36:10 PM
Great business ideas..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:42:03 PM
Ikea seems to be into all kinds of stuff
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:44:44 PM
Golds gym..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:45:51 PM
Ace really is the place.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:48:32 PM
Save money on wedding rings ...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:50:20 PM
Better than Spock???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:53:17 PM
Is this their back up plan?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:57:35 PM
works on the neighbors cats as well.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 09:01:53 PM
Q#$%!#$!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 09:35:09 PM
the real purpose......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on November 18, 2007, 11:46:15 AM
For those of you with a taste for something different. Enter this contest. Not sure what she would do to you but a Hydraulic Wench would sure give you a run for the money. Gotta love those typos...  :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 02:22:54 PM
Boys are faster scientific proof
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 02:46:48 PM
flag burner..........you reap what you sow.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 02:48:18 PM
top of his class...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 03:20:04 PM
New words to grow your vocabulary............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 09:51:58 PM
Golf...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"


"I don't remember much after that ..."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 10:20:31 PM
Blonde Joke.....

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 10:42:46 PM
Quality Inns
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 10:53:01 PM
Ineptitude
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on November 18, 2007, 11:34:15 PM
Appropriate considering recent threads about appearances

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to  enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few  inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Bulldog!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f*uck off.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 19, 2007, 03:13:18 AM
Liquid........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 20, 2007, 12:03:47 PM
Blondes..........


Subject: IS IT BECAUSE I AM BLONDE??????
Body: A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled
"we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4,
but I
counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her Mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Asked the girl.
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids could
only
say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!" "Very Good," said
her
Mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes it's because your blonde", said the Mommy.

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the
other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to
reveal
a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,
Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 20, 2007, 12:30:55 PM
Here's some politically incorrect humor, if you're offended-oh well

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/getawaywithit.jpg)


Hmmmm, Think Dad might have some issues? lol

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/cops.jpg)

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/hidingcop.jpg)

And my favorite;
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/speeding.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 02:35:29 PM
How to tell if you are married to a Russian woman.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 02:37:06 PM
I think Gator's woman has finally found a dog she likes.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 02:38:39 PM
How to tell the bad girls from the good ones.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 20, 2007, 03:33:54 PM
How to tell the bad girls from the good ones.

So she is one of the Good ones?

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 05:21:36 PM
I think that would depend entirely upon one's perspective.
Title: Re: Time for some Humour!!
Post by: Ste on November 20, 2007, 05:21:53 PM
I'm currently debating whether to post a joke i was told that is so sick it's prolly gonna get me a ban if I do.

If I don't, I just know i'll be inundated with PM's asking for it you dirty hounds....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 06:13:29 PM
(tapping foot) still waiting, Ste.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 20, 2007, 10:31:19 PM
(Tapping fingers on desk)  Waiting as well Ste.  If you had any bullocks you'd post it :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humour!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 01:53:31 PM
I'm currently debating whether to post a joke i was told that is so sick it's prolly gonna get me a ban if I do.

If I don't, I just know i'll be inundated with PM's asking for it you dirty hounds....

I don't know...........Ste is pretty twisted. If he thinks it's bad I am absolutely positive that it is.
I will read it if he posts it. Hopefully it doesn't warp my simple mind.

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 01:55:33 PM
Thanksgiving divorce.......

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 02:25:52 PM
From Holly Springs , Mississippi - A seven-year old boy was
at the center of a Marshall County courtroom drama this
morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should
have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten
by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation
requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to
live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live
with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also
beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a
way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with
the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to Coach Ed Oregron and the Ole Miss Rebels,
whom the boy and the judge firmly believe are no longer
capable of beating anyone.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 02:27:44 PM
I stole this joke fair and square from Ak Mike

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be
told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.


'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you
berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he
says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will
impress her.


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.


She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I Want to try someting I have heard
about from other girls... numbaa 69.'


More thoughtful silence, this time from him.


Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want... Garlic Chicken
with corrifrowa?'
Title: Re: Time for some Humour!!
Post by: Ste on November 21, 2007, 03:43:08 PM
I don't know...........Ste is pretty twisted. If he thinks it's bad I am absolutely positive that it is.
I will read it if he posts it. Hopefully it doesn't warp my simple mind.

Bill

OK, here it comes, England lost at home to Croatia, out of the Euro champs, means Russia sneak in ahead. There's an 'atmosphere' here...

Right, don't say I didn't warn you...

Dad is sat at home when his six yo daughter comes running in, "dad, this pervert man got me in the woods!!"

What happened? he said

Well, first the man took off all his clothes......

Yes, yes, agitatedly, said her father...

Then he took off all mine, and, and, and....

Yes, yes, yes, dad exclaimed, what happened, I need to know....

I can't remember dad, it's all a blank......

Dad say's, masturbating furiously, "Make it up, make it up!!"

Told you it was sick, this is Ste, signing off from RWD.....












Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:15:58 PM
Ok, Ste I need to take a shower with two bars of soap and steel wool.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:22:20 PM
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!

You have been warned!

My friend Stuart hired an illegal from home desparate (Home Depot),
 he brought the guy home and gave him two cans of paint
and told the guy "I want you to paint the porch"

an hour later the man came back and said he was done.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked him if he was sure.
The man said jes I'm chure, I even gave it 2 coats.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked again since he thought it
would take most of the day.

The man said jes I am chure but it wasn't a Porshe it was
a Lexis.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:37:36 PM
Optical delusion.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:45:41 PM
Stupidity
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on November 21, 2007, 06:37:11 PM
Optical delusion.......

This one is a complete crock of Chit! There is nothing in the background! And the text on that picture was so blurry I had to have my son read it to me.... :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 08:57:02 PM
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 08:58:44 PM
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 09:05:14 PM
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 09:07:48 PM
Not really a Thanksgiving joke but.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 03:56:23 PM
Trendy diet drinks...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 03:57:44 PM
FIRST KISS

So...it's your first kiss and
several questions come
to mind:
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is it the right time?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is anyone watching?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Does your partner even want to?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is your breath fresh?
*
*
*
*
*
*
And...should you use some tongue?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Then you lean in and
just go for it!!!!

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:00:30 PM
One of those penis enlargements that works..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:07:11 PM
DNA research!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:39:58 PM
Baby sitting made simple, (please note this is in the joke section)

Watching kids can be a pain in the butt, I am sure especially now around the holidays
that many of you have noticed this. I was the oldest of six kids and the second toughest.
(my brother Rob was the toughest because I could never take the beatings that I gave him).

Any way being in a large family I was often given the task of watching kids that I didn't help concieve, and the only reason given to me was that I was oldest and related to them by blood.

The easiest way to watch a small child is by applying vaseline to the edges of a tub. Then put the little tike in the tub (naked) with a box of cherrios and a couple bath toys. Turn the stereo up a little. The child can't get out of the tub or make a mess, or get too hungry and best of all at the end of the day you simply rinse out the tub, no muss no fuss.

When I got older and had my own car I was still often told that yes I could go somewhere like to an outdoor barbeque or similiar but I had to bring one or more of my siblings with me

I came up with a solution that kept my car clean and free of mess.

Yes you simply roll their fingers in the window, people have often asked isn't that dangerous?
and the answer is that no, although after several hours their fingers turn a little blue and they tend to be happy to see you when you get back and even more beneficial is they don't nag as much to go with you everytime.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:56:34 PM
News Flash......
Mellisa Williamson worries that the noise from the nearby construction
could harm her unborn child.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:07:33 PM
Got to follow the law.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:16:50 PM
I know this is an oldie.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:34:18 PM
Free to good home...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:40:58 PM
I showed up ready to spend $10

But they only wanted to play cards..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:45:50 PM
little Billy was an adventuresome lad......and when he
grew up he didn't think that Flying 11 time zones to
find true love would be any different.............
Afterall what could possibly go wrong?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:50:01 PM
as Little Billy grew up sometimes he didn't take potential problems
into account after all what could possibly go wrong?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 06:29:23 PM
Hopefully this is a joke...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:37:30 PM
Baby sitting made simple part Dva,

(please note this is in the joke section)

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:47:08 PM
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 1
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:47:57 PM
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 2
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:49:15 PM
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 3
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:49:53 PM
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 4
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 08:27:39 PM
I think this idea has some merit. Think about it solar tanning beds...........

Using the sun to tan........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 08:56:15 PM
More babysitting tips.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:17:55 PM
Word Ebonics version
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:43:37 PM
Happy Endings
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:48:30 PM
Newspaper clippings........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:52:02 PM
Procrastination...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:53:38 PM
Pessimisism
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:55:39 PM
My ex was not a good driver...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:58:09 PM
My ex was not a good driver...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:02:06 PM
My ex was not a good driver...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:04:04 PM
My ex was not a good driver...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:06:11 PM
My ex was not a good driver...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:07:18 PM
My ex was not a good driver...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:12:28 PM
She worked one day (only) parking cars.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:13:31 PM
My ex was not a good driver...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:15:16 PM
Mediocrity..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:28:10 PM
Female Brain............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 10:46:30 PM
Male Brain...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 11:18:48 PM
More babysitting tips............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 11:24:11 PM
Another Thanksgiving joke...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 11:24:54 PM
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asks

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover,
but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 08:56:28 AM

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
--------------------------------------------------------------- ----
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------- -----------------------
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jumper on November 28, 2007, 11:58:57 AM
overconfidence
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on November 28, 2007, 12:20:26 PM
Oh....and by the way...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 11:22:50 PM
Prepare for
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 11:31:48 PM

Aim high..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 11:37:27 PM
Youthful innocence.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 11:44:27 PM
Innuendo............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 11:47:23 PM
Denial.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 11:50:42 PM
Internet arguements............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 28, 2007, 11:57:11 PM
The truth about sexism...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 12:02:56 AM
If you can't enjoy yourself...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 12:23:05 AM
Rock Bottom..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 12:25:54 AM
Sunscreen..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 12:52:56 AM
You divided by zero didn't you...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 29, 2007, 12:55:29 AM
Aim high..........


Is that AJ having a bad day?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 01:10:40 AM
when you just want to get to the cheese............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 01:14:07 AM
Women........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 29, 2007, 01:25:30 AM
This one's for you Bill

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/rainbows.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 02:04:37 PM
Thanks. :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2007, 07:44:15 PM
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.


Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on November 30, 2007, 08:01:11 AM
http://www.media-download.co.uk/games/gypsy.swf
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 11:47:34 AM

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:


Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those A$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 05:54:43 PM
The perfect male..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 06:25:33 PM
my parents said........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 06:27:57 PM
complaint dept........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 06:30:26 PM
An honest homeless man..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 07:38:33 PM
PETA.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 07:53:31 PM
Just doin his job............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 07:58:31 PM
Women are like Pizza's

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 08:08:14 PM
Not a carrot............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 08:18:14 PM
Hold still..............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 08:36:24 PM
Does anyone really think Bill Clinton stopped dating?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 08:56:09 PM
Day at the beach.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 08:59:06 PM
recycling that we would like to see...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 09:17:44 PM
Lets play carpenter........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 09:28:28 PM
how fights get started...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 09:34:22 PM
You wouldn't have been dumped if......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 09:38:17 PM
sleep..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 09:46:51 PM
snakes and snails and puppy dog tails?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 09:47:44 PM
The clapper...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 09:56:30 PM
I could have posted a something clever here but
I doubt that it's really needed...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:02:44 PM
There is no I in Drunk..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:11:10 PM
Things not to say before / during sex...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:18:46 PM
Snow cone
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:25:05 PM
Eat out........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:39:24 PM
The birds and the bees........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:42:09 PM
Redneck swimming pool......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:45:35 PM
Find her.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 30, 2007, 10:48:10 PM
The Pointer Sisters...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 02, 2007, 02:10:35 PM
My friend Melissa sends me the corniest jokes. I am only posting this because
it takes corny jokes to a new level.

One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed. He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet.
The Vet takes one look at the dog and says: "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead..."
"Nooo. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin.

The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and says: "Meoowwww"
The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead."
Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion."
The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before barking: "Woof roof woof"

The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars."
"$400 to tell me my dog is dead?" asks Kevin.
"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars..."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on December 02, 2007, 02:29:09 PM
Bill, I think it might be time to block Melissa's e-mail address... ;)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 02, 2007, 05:16:48 PM
Bill, I think it might be time to block Melissa's e-mail address... ;)

She also sends me these sweet little stories.......

A sweet little story.............

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentines Day.

Since Valentines Day is for a Christian saint, and were Jewish,” she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a valentine to?

Osama Bin Laden she says.

Why Osama Bin Laden? her father asks in shock.

Well, she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe were not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he would love everyone a lot. And then he would start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.

I know, Melissa says, and once that we get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f*cker.

--Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 02, 2007, 05:26:54 PM
Dan posted this in another section, I somehow messed up the link

Quote
Unbeknownst to most Americans, there is a unique bra that only foreign women can wear, only when they come into contact with American men. It is called the immigration bra, or ImBra, and it is available free of charge from an exclusive source: the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) of the US Department of Homeland Security.

The ImBra is a pernicious, illegal support garment with a unique, dual-purpose design: it lifts the status of foreigners above that of Americans, and it creates deep cleavage between American men and their civil rights. When an American man examines the ImBra, he will question everything he ever believed about the greatness and legitimacy of the US Constitution, and the government that supposedly adheres to its precepts.

For the full article, click here -- http://thenononsenseman.m...07/05/13/unhook-that-bra/

- Dan
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 02, 2007, 07:29:43 PM
Here are a couple of Russian jokes translated to English.
Most didn't translate well, I am listing my favorite of the bunch.

Tell us, what forces you to drink vodka every day?
Nothing. I'm a volunteer.


At a football match one of the fans asks a boy:
Where did you get money for such an expensive ticket?
My father bought it
Why didn't he come with you?
He is at home. Looking for the ticket...




It is well-known that 20% of people do so much work as other 80%. However, it is not so well-known that 80% of people think that they belong to these 20%.




One farmer asks another:
- How come you cow gives 100 liters a day?
- You should be kind and tender with your cow. In the morning I come to my cow and ask her: "What do we have for today: milk or beef?"


A young man went to work for the police department. Everything seems to be ok, except for one thing - he never asked for his salary after over three months of work. When the head of the department asked him why didn't he pick up his salary check, he said:

- Wow! Didn't know you pay a salary here. I thought, you gave me the gun and the rest is up to me.


- My father says that it is better 'to give' that 'to get'.
- Is your father a priest?
- No, he is a boxer.



Knock at the door. The husband opens the door and sees his neighbor with a sheet of paper. The neighbor asks:
- Do you want to take part in a group sex?
- Well... who else takes part?
The neighbor looks at the list and says:
- Me, your wife and you.
- No way!
- Ok. Then I will cross your name out.



- Why is your baby screaming so loud? Maybe it wants something...
- Yeah! It wants to scream!!!



If you are afraid of putting on weight, you should drink a glass of vodka before the meal. Vodka dulls the fear.




Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 02, 2007, 07:52:08 PM
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 02, 2007, 08:14:38 PM
Cell phone camera bandit busted...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 02, 2007, 10:22:48 PM
I was wondering when they would get around to opening one..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 03, 2007, 01:09:10 PM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, Wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" I am sorry if I disturbed you,"

She replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.

"The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking Anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on December 03, 2007, 01:19:38 PM
From the Russian Show KVN:

Vladimir Putin:

I went to India recently.
Let me tell you the Kama Sutra is nothing.
At least when you compare it to the Russian Constitution.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 04, 2007, 01:00:33 PM
  A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their 
arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would 
transfer a portion of the mother ' s labor pain to the baby ' s father.
                          He asked if they were willing to try it 
out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain 
transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably 
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

    As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to

    go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the 
machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine. The 
doctor checked the husband ' s blood pressure and was amazed at how 
well he was

    doing.

    At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued   
to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out 
the

    wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer 
ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and   
her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 05, 2007, 11:13:49 PM
Beer holders
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 05, 2007, 11:21:50 PM
Guns don't kill people.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 05, 2007, 11:42:27 PM
doggie style.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 06, 2007, 12:09:20 AM
beer.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on December 06, 2007, 02:41:48 AM
Beer holders
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ? :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 06, 2007, 04:43:57 PM
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 07, 2007, 02:00:56 PM
 "Circumcised"

 A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
 squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

 She went back to find out what was going on.
 He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
 circumcised and he was quite itchy.

 The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

 He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
 He did and returned to his class.
 Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

 She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
 desk with his "private part" hanging out.

 "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

 "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out
 till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 07, 2007, 07:36:07 PM
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 07, 2007, 07:46:44 PM
Obviously........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 09, 2007, 08:18:19 PM
An 8-year-old and a 6-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 8-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 6-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 8-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 6-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on December 09, 2007, 10:34:31 PM
 :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 02:42:32 PM
Anger management...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 02:44:13 PM
First Woman on the moon...........

this will not make sense to youngsters............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 02:45:12 PM
Porn for the blind.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 02:45:55 PM
One small problem?

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!(French deer)
Post by: KenC on December 10, 2007, 03:17:44 PM

WHAT DO DEER THINK?
 

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. 
 
The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother'?''

 


Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'what I am going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French.' 
The interview ended at that point
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 04:03:07 PM
Office Rumor............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 04:04:01 PM
Scratching, belching, you know man stuff........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 04:04:58 PM
Moving tips...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 10, 2007, 07:17:29 PM
I was the oldest of 6 kids and often had to baby sit my younger brothers and sisters.

Baby Sitting Tip # 127

Tell them to stay behind the box!!!!!!


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on December 13, 2007, 07:37:38 PM
Did you hear about the Texas Sheriff who came into his office on Christmas Eve to find a little Christmas tree on his desk.  The tree had been stripped of all leaves and needles, and adorned with a single .45 Colt bullet hanging from the topmost branch.

The Sheriff asked; "WTF"?

The Deputy answered; "It's a Cartridge In A Bear Tree".
Title: Birthday Message
Post by: Mamma D on December 14, 2007, 11:05:08 AM
Subject: Birthday Message


Click on the message, sit back and listen. See you
there!

Message
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/xmas.htm


May this Holiday season find all of you well, busy and expectant of the New Year!   
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on December 14, 2007, 11:13:18 AM
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOpppps Sorry about that atttachment :(

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on December 15, 2007, 03:56:18 PM

Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids.........



 

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************

?

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

******** ************

?

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

?

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

'What have you got there?'

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

'Pies, you Dumb Ass'

********************

?

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men

Had scrambled eggs

For breakfast again.

********************

?

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

?

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

********************

?

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 06:23:40 PM
Scott, I am totally stealing those rhymes.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 07:17:41 PM
Beavers Galore!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 07:22:33 PM
Don't yell from across the house!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 07:27:09 PM
Fart Jokes all guys have to tell them.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 07:32:17 PM
Leg man myself.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 07:45:29 PM
Big bang!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 07:51:35 PM
Replaced again..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 07:53:35 PM
One protest...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 08:04:06 PM
favorite shirt
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 08:10:48 PM
She complains about every little compliment, and somehow twists it
to mean something else.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 08:20:58 PM
Censored..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 08:26:29 PM
It's gotta come out anyway...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 08:34:55 PM
He doesn't get it...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 08:47:30 PM
Keep getting mixed up..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 09:00:37 PM
not the best bedside book for your wife..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 09:10:09 PM
Hey it's not a doll it's an action figure...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 09:13:26 PM
It's a little hard to pull one over on Fred..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 09:30:11 PM
The child wasn't planned he was an accident...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 17, 2007, 10:00:19 PM
It's all a matter of how you look at it.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 18, 2007, 11:47:14 PM
trisexual..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 18, 2007, 11:52:35 PM
Curtains..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 18, 2007, 11:55:07 PM
Quickie
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 18, 2007, 11:56:37 PM
Not a cookbook?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 18, 2007, 11:59:58 PM
Beware of Dog.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 19, 2007, 12:04:05 AM
Another joke about the Frogs.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 19, 2007, 12:09:03 AM
Veggies...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 21, 2007, 01:50:00 AM
Jokes / cartoons on Posts 535, 537-559 are the property of Cartoon Stock
They were not designed, written and certainly not owned by me.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on December 23, 2007, 07:31:15 PM
A useful aid for the upcoming festivities ;).

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOMPROBLEMCORRECTION
Feet cold and wet.Glass held at incorrect angle.Rotate glass so that open end
points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.Faulty bladder control.Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drink unusually pale.Glass empty.Get someone to buy you another drink.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.You have fallen over backwards.Have yourself lashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.You have fallen forward.See above.
Alcohol tasteless,front of your shirt is wet.Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.You are looking through bottom of empty glass.Get someone to buy you another drink.
Your singing sounds distorted.The drink is too weak.Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.The drink is just right.Play air guitar.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.You are dancing on the table.Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Drink is crystal-clear. It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up.Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.You have been in a fight.Apologize to everyone you see, in case it was them.
Room seems unusually dark.Bar has closed.Confirm home address with bartender.
Floor moving.You are being carried out.Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.You've wandered into the wrong party.See if they have free alcohol.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 12:45:04 AM
Bottle of wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I am a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive."

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women can be clever, evil bitches.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 12:49:53 AM
Small package???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 12:54:23 AM
Died Laughing..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 12:59:19 AM
Big Feet.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:01:02 AM
Dill ???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:03:34 AM
Holiday Tips.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:12:54 AM
Ho Ho Ho ...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:14:40 AM
Fruit Cake.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:19:32 AM
They are fakes!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:28:16 AM
Well Hung..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:38:49 AM
stick up
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 24, 2007, 01:41:07 AM
Stick up Dva........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:16:07 AM
Not a good sign...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:18:06 AM
Why don't you buy me balloons?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:19:07 AM
Secret powers!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:28:56 AM
Lesbian...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:30:03 AM
joke............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:31:56 AM
Smell the roses.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 09:23:09 PM
Vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet .

He said, "I'm doing, some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 09:26:44 PM
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****


The Golfer

While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."  He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?

"I'll tell you, but you'd laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't," he promised.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said, "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not why I'm laughing," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm ""still"" a hole behind you."

 

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 09:28:05 PM
Two Sides To Every Story

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet in a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls, so I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate to talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up.

Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way home I said that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so afterward I just wanted to comfort him, but instead I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Played badly today-shot 87-can't putt for crap. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 09:33:29 PM
The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"  Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

 

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 10:12:04 PM
One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer.

I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip ?"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 10:24:43 PM
Whoops.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 10:46:38 PM
Snow flakes..............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 10:54:14 PM
Missing you...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:03:56 PM
The ass family............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:07:42 PM
Sexy towels............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:11:03 PM
Making babies in public!!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:18:31 PM
Nothing like a great view!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:26:17 PM
The difference between what men and women see in the mirror.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:36:34 PM
Another blonde joke.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:40:26 PM
Wag the tail.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:43:22 PM
He renamed them.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:52:13 PM
It looks like a double.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2007, 11:55:33 PM
Just let it go........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 28, 2007, 12:00:35 AM
I need to supervise............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 29, 2007, 10:16:27 AM
A lady friend of mine told me that she wanted to be the proper wieght for her height.
I told her to start with a crash diet and six inch heels.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 29, 2007, 09:47:36 PM
I couldn't get the guys in my company to read the sexual harassment policy. I finally came up with a solution.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 29, 2007, 09:49:22 PM
Handy bra..............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on January 03, 2008, 12:57:38 PM


A Condensed Version of History 

For those who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. 

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. 

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. 

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.

Have a great day!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 03, 2008, 01:21:35 PM
 :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: TFF JB, The truth must hurt!! :cluebat:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on January 03, 2008, 03:28:20 PM
Amazing that as all women should be liberals according to this world history, conservatives still manage to get elected now and then.  :P

Shadow
- conservative in his country but liberal in the USA
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on January 03, 2008, 03:52:56 PM
Spoken like a true girlie-man liberal.  You need to go buy yourself a shotgun and go kill something to BBQ. ;)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 04, 2008, 01:15:22 AM
Spoken like a true girlie-man liberal.  You need to go buy yourself a shotgun and go kill something to BBQ. ;)

PETA =  People eating Tasty Animals..................I don't pay dues but I must be a member.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 04, 2008, 01:34:45 AM
I always thought lettuce was put to better use as bait for the cow :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 04, 2008, 09:57:56 PM
DRUG PROBLEM ANSWERED!

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 06, 2008, 10:46:14 PM
peeping tom
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 12:25:27 AM
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet $50 on it. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm gonna f*ck it as soon as I figure how to get those pajamas off."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 12:35:57 AM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 12:41:39 AM
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 12:47:42 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 12:53:44 AM
There once was a man from Languini,
Who accidentally spilled Gin on his weenie.
Not to be uncouth,
He added Vermouth
And slipped his wife a Martini…

There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 12:57:57 AM
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:00:08 AM
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, one from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of their tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. Upon discovering they were all contractors, the guard said to them, “Hey, we need some work done on the fence in the back…care to take a look and give me an estimate?”

Mr. Florida stepped up first. He took out his tape measure and pencil, whipped out a pocket calculator, and after a few moments replied, “Well Sir, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Mr. Texas was next. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some math, and came back saying, “It’ll cost you about $700: $300 for materials, $300 for labor, and $100 profit for me.”

Without moving an inch, Mr. New York immediately said, “$2,700.”

Taken aback, the guard looked at him incredulously and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How in the world did you come up with such an astronomical figure?!?”

“Easy,” Mr. New York replied, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you…and we hire the guy from Texas.”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:02:10 AM
A man goes to a psychiatrist because of his total obsession with sex.

The psychiatrist sits him down and starts showing him pictures of ink blots.

Every time the man sees an ink blot picture, he tells the psychiatrist that he can see a naked woman.

"This is incredible," says the psychiatrist. "Whatever test I give you, you see a naked woman. You really do have a problem."

"I have a problem?" replies the man. "Your the one showing me all the dirty pictures!".
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:03:41 AM
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey , they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough . After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no . Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no . The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue . The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth . As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there “Hind Lick Maneuver” but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:05:59 AM
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:07:42 AM
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:09:11 AM
A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:11:35 AM
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked.
"Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric.
"Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:15:44 AM
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 180
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 181
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 182
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good little cat I was Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 183
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is, obviously, a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:17:22 AM
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:23:41 AM
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:26:52 AM
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:28:42 AM
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crаp on it's head."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:30:29 AM
Two guys walking through the desert, and they happen upon a hole that they can't see the bottom of. So one says to the other, "Let's see how deep it goes."

So they pick up a small rock, and toss it in. No sound. So they get a really big rock, heft it over to the hole, and toss it in. Again, no sound.

So they come across a railroad tie. Now I don't know if any of you have ever been up close and personal with a railroad tie, but they're huge. Anyway, so they toss it down the hole.

And then, out of nowhere a goat comes running and jumps in the hole! "Wow. That was really weird," one says to the other.

A short time later a desert farmer (he grows sand or something) comes walking up and says, "Have you guys seen my goat?"

"Oh, no," says one guy. "It was really strange. I don't know how to tell you this, sir, but your goat just came running out of nowhere and jumped in this hole."

"But that's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him tied to a railroad tie!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:34:21 AM
Three men, an Englishman, a frenchman and an american, are walking along a beach together one day. They see a lantern and a genie pops out of it saying,'i will give each of you one wish.'
'Oh boy,' says the yank. 'I want me a pick-up truck.'
In the blink of a genie's eye, a brand new pick-up truck appears before them,with a gold plated grill, alligator-hide seats and flames down the sides.
The frenchman, amazed, says, 'i want a wall around france, so no-one can enter our country.'
Suddenly, a huge fall appears around the frenchman's precious country. The englishman says,'i'm curious. tell me more about this wall.' 'well,' the genie explains, 'it goes all around france, its about 150ft high and about 50ft thick, and nothing can get in or out.'
'Right,' says the englishman. 'i want to fill it up with water.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:44:40 AM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:47:39 AM
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate - not to romantic, and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:52:50 AM
Crazy Bear Don't read this joke!!

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 01:58:39 AM
When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:00:50 AM
Knock On Effect Of Northern Rock



The knock-on effect from the US sub-prime fiasco is being severely felt in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.



In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut back some of its branches.



Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose- dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.



Just thought you ought to know!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:03:44 AM
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the side walk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:05:32 AM
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:08:46 AM
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*


A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"
"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."
So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the next day. That night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole bottle into his coffee...
About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a litlle boy asking what horny pills are for…
"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.
"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:10:47 AM
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:14:40 AM
Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fu*k herself!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:17:43 AM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:21:44 AM
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:32:34 AM
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 07, 2008, 02:37:28 AM
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 09, 2008, 02:24:11 PM
the pointer sisters use this service........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on January 10, 2008, 10:19:20 AM
This one is especially for Simoni 'cause I know how much he loves his techno-gadgets!  :cheesygrin:

http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.htm
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Simoni on January 10, 2008, 07:12:54 PM
Thanks, Catz!  I love that model and I gotta have it!  It has three features my iphone does not have!  ;D

I could have used the self-destruct function at least twice last week.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 10, 2008, 08:31:41 PM
Men and women think differently.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 10, 2008, 08:51:53 PM
I might have already posted these

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/speeding.jpg)

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Rudolph.jpg)

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/elements.jpg)

And this is how radar is run in Texas

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Texasspeedtrap.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 11, 2008, 02:07:49 AM
Hurry honey...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 11, 2008, 02:17:19 AM
Ironic..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 11, 2008, 02:18:41 AM
Your lucky day............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 11, 2008, 02:20:53 AM
cooking socks............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 11, 2008, 02:22:33 AM
the hazzards of beauty.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 11, 2008, 02:24:05 AM
Charley Brown.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 11, 2008, 02:28:32 AM
whoooooppps........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 12, 2008, 11:55:39 PM
women always make these rules for us..................
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 15, 2008, 05:59:31 PM
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied,
"What happened to my booger?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 15, 2008, 11:49:58 PM
for you Bill

(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/7.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/17.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/13.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/2.gif)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 01:47:39 PM
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.
One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

'Oh?' said her friend, “Don't you have a vase?”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 01:49:07 PM

IRISH PROSTITUTE
 
 
 An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.  Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time?  Why did ye not write to us, even a line?  Why didn't ye call?  Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
 
 The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."
 
 "Ye what!!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this family."
 
 "OK, dad, as ye wish.  I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."
 
 "Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.
 
 The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"
 
 "Oh!!  Be Jesus!  Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye said a 'Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:25:17 PM
don't ask don't tell...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:26:05 PM
sounds a little fishy.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:26:49 PM
so shes a mutant.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:27:54 PM
everyone can't play quarterback...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:28:40 PM
how much to............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:32:32 PM
The game has been around for a while............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:33:30 PM
unsexy??
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:42:13 PM
everyone likes bad girls.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 16, 2008, 02:44:12 PM
the awful truth........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 19, 2008, 07:06:31 PM


A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, He's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

how come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as He's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, are you going to tell him, or should I?“
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 19, 2008, 07:26:07 PM
Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the men.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K., I guess 7," said one of the guys. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"2," said the customer.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant, "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way" insisted the other. "My wife won twice last week."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 19, 2008, 07:37:27 PM
Redneck bra.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on January 20, 2008, 06:53:54 AM
2tallbill,

Have you ever been on the stage?

There's one leaving at 2:30.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 20, 2008, 11:59:35 AM
2tallbill,

Have you ever been on the stage?

There's one leaving at 2:30.


Am I getting run out of Dodge again?

Take care,

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 20, 2008, 12:46:58 PM
door knockers...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 06:45:19 PM
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 06:47:11 PM
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 06:49:36 PM
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 08:30:23 PM
Lawyer jokes.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 09:02:44 PM
Corniest Pickup lines..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 09:06:06 PM
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)

************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)

************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)

 What's a Billion?

This is too true to be very funny


The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.



A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division


Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.
B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington , D.C. .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??





Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.


Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.


Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.


Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.


Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.


Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.


If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.


Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom!'


And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
AND NOW WE ARE THE MOST IN DEBT OF ANY COUNTRY ON EARTH!!!
What happened? Can you spell 'p-o-l-i-t-i-c-i-a-n-s?!'

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 09:16:37 PM
Ladies apparel
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 21, 2008, 09:42:22 PM
The first step...............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 22, 2008, 01:41:59 AM
Bill

You need some serious psychological help  :-\
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Christian on January 22, 2008, 08:49:10 AM
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)

************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)

************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)

 What's a Billion?

This is too true to be very funny


The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.



A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division


Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.
B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington , D.C. .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??





Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.


Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.


Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.


Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.


Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.


Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.


If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.


Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom!'


And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
AND NOW WE ARE THE MOST IN DEBT OF ANY COUNTRY ON EARTH!!!
What happened? Can you spell 'p-o-l-i-t-i-c-i-a-n-s?!'



Or by analogy, spelled Krispy Kreme.  Enron never made it back or the Roman empire for that matter.

Christian
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on January 22, 2008, 09:58:58 AM
Arrive at your own conclusions!   :cluebat:

Mamma D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on January 22, 2008, 10:05:05 AM
Missed this one!   
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 22, 2008, 10:05:54 PM
Missed this one!   

Page one post # 11

Take care,

Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 23, 2008, 03:19:09 AM
Bill

You need some serious psychological help  :-\

What did I do this time?

If it was about the political thing, I posted something someone else sent me.
Believe me, I love my country, I think I live in the best most wonderful, incredible
country to have ever existed. That being said I think that tax and
spending are out of control and we have other problems as well. Like some politicians
don't want to punish criminals or want them to vote.

I know this isn't a political forum and this thread is NOT a political thread. Sorry folks I
will get off my soap box now.

Just my two kopecks


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 23, 2008, 03:44:35 AM
What did I do this time?

I was bustin yer chops about the diamond pooper joke ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Admin on January 23, 2008, 08:25:07 AM
Caution to the Newbies
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Admin on January 23, 2008, 08:25:49 AM
For the Texans Among Us:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BillyB on January 23, 2008, 08:54:12 AM
This guy wasn't so lucky when his toilet paper did not cooperate.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCuIYLKMLfA&feature=related[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Admin on January 23, 2008, 09:27:04 AM
This guy wasn't so lucky when his toilet paper did not cooperate.


Musta been a myopic donkey let loose from Nuevo Laredo.

That was just TOO funny! :ROFL:

- Dan
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: wxman on January 26, 2008, 04:38:32 PM
Jeff Dunham and Bubba

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iMd8Pm-2EE&NR=1[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 26, 2008, 09:02:19 PM
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.  The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine.  I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

"Good trade...."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on January 27, 2008, 12:10:52 AM
OMBs ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 27, 2008, 01:20:34 AM
 Installing a Husband 101


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate
-------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter
the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2
and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 27, 2008, 01:30:47 AM
Idiots 101 yes using flip flops to float a power strip
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Admin on January 27, 2008, 11:03:35 AM
Idiots 101 yes using flip flops to float a power strip

That looks like a European outlet strip - which, if true, operates at 220v instead of the US standard of 110v. Packs quite a wallop, and in the water like that, I would imagine it could produce a deadly jolt.

I hope someone with some sense got those guys out of the water and corrected that idiocy.

- Dan
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on January 27, 2008, 11:18:20 AM
Hmmm. Water, electricity, alcohol. Not a good combination. Also, it appears the setup is being used by what looks like a business machine not a stero so these guys are actually businessmen? Not someone I would want to do business with. But then, one small splash and their "gene pool" is gone forever.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on January 27, 2008, 12:26:10 PM
Also, it appears the setup is being used by what looks like a business machine not a stereo so these guys are actually businessmen? Not someone I would want to do business with.

Pretty sure that's an electric griddle  ;)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on January 27, 2008, 12:36:48 PM
Ok. I stand corrected. I guess they were heating it up to be used as a pool water heater.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 27, 2008, 12:49:33 PM
Pretty sure that's an electric griddle  ;)

Yes, it's an electric grill / flat bed scanner for sending butt cheek scans back to the home office or toasting buns.
Its a vital and necessary feature of any truly serious pool party.

Of course they are drinking piva (beer) from glass bottles which the combination of glass, electricity (preferably high voltage) and high amounts of alcohol consumption while individually could be considered dangerous but when they are all three combined together simultaneously it actually enhances safety.........................................................

.......
.................

(of polluting the gene pool)

In addition it should be remembered how safe and beneficial it is to have a good very very hot (enough to cook raw food) heat source near slippery surfaces (like a pool) while wearing safety clothing such as swim wear. What they really need to do is to put up a volley ball net in the pool as well and doesn't anyone bring fireworks/guns/chainsaws or poisonous snakes to parties anymore?

Title: 2007 Darwin Awards
Post by: Gator on January 27, 2008, 02:07:33 PM
I venture into this thread with some trepidation.

The Idiots 101 joke reminds me that is the magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed to honor the least evolved among us.

WHAT AMAZES ME IS THAT THESE PEOPLE WALK AMONG US

(sorry, no photos, requires the art of reading)


Here is the glorious winner:

>> 1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

>> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. 

The chef's claim was approved.

>> 3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.

Understandably, he shot her.

>> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

>> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he  could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

>> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer ....$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

>> 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back
to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her.  That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

>> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

>> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

>> In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends
and family ... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: KenC on January 27, 2008, 02:32:48 PM
Gator,
I love these awards every year!  At leaset the "winner" will not be able to procreate,  Thanks for sharing.
KenC
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 28, 2008, 01:36:51 AM




(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/iraqiphotos.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/bombguys.jpg)
(http://bestsmileys.com/darwin/2.gif) 
(http://bestsmileys.com/darwin/3.gif)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 28, 2008, 02:29:25 AM
Funny commercial for Berlitz language courses

[youtube=425,350]Cu-hW75wF4E&rel=1[/youtube]

Another good clip

[youtube=425,350]D-dwDhvHE_I&rel=1[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 28, 2008, 03:10:24 AM
Some advice for the ladies ;D (I've typed the important ones in bold)

 RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
(There's more than 25)
 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
 3. Birthday, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find   
    the perfect present, again!
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
     don't want to hear.

 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
 6. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
    such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

 9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.
10. Shopping is not a sport.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is black mail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

16. Your brother is an idiot.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a
     calendar.
18. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult then peeing from point blank range.
     We're bound to miss sometimes.
19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be
     any good choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
20. Yes and NO are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best freind.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective then deceived.
26. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
     All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like
     soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
     make you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

30. Lets us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
     you are?
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it 
     done...not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
      about having their breasts stared at.
36. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
37. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you
      look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
      the magazines.
38. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were
     going out.
39. Anyone can buy condoms.
40. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 28, 2008, 03:17:31 AM
Another notable geneology search effort....

Subject: Who is Jack Schitt?

  For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".  Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

  Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

  Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

  Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

 Sincerely,
 Crock O. Schitt
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 28, 2008, 03:31:50 AM
Subject: Fw: FUNNY - FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
These are actual quotes taken from Federal employee performance evaluations.

1.  "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
     started to dig."
2.  "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3.  "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
     won't be."
4.  "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a   
     trap"
5.  "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6.  "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7.  "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8.  "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
9.  "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10."This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: MaxxumUSA on January 28, 2008, 03:55:15 AM


Another good clip

[youtube=425,350]D-dwDhvHE_I&rel=1[/youtube]

This one is SO funny.  My stomach hurt and tears came to my eyes from laughing so hard.

Great find!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on January 28, 2008, 08:12:43 AM
Subject: Fw: FUNNY - FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
These are actual quotes taken from Federal employee performance evaluations.

In my time at the Federal Reserve each and every one of those comments would have required a promotion to management. Some to Sr. management.

After 8 years of working there I am in the middle of advanced retraining just to be able to figure out the difference between my @ss and a hole in the ground. Half way through the year long therapy I now know what a hole in the ground is...  :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 28, 2008, 08:22:39 AM
 A blonde went into a world-wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother'.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect.) 'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.
'Well then, just follow me', said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man .
'Come in and close the door' the man said. She did.
He then said 'Now get on your knees.' She did.
'Now take down my zipper'. She did.
'Now go ahead ... Take it out....' he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered 'Well............ Go ahead'.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said . . .

Mom can you hear me?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 29, 2008, 10:03:40 AM
In my time at the Federal Reserve each and every one of those comments would have required a promotion to management. Some to Sr. management.

Ahhhh THAT explains why I'm not as smart as I was before my promotion 3 years ago and why I can't get promoted to Lieutenant.  I thought of dumbing myself down, but I couldn't bear the thought of becoming a Democrat. ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 10:30:09 PM
Play ground.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 10:33:23 PM
The light at the end of the tunnel.....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 10:55:51 PM
get bent.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 11:05:09 PM
Even at a tender age little Billy looked up to women.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 11:06:39 PM
And even today Little Billy has changed very little.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 11:08:36 PM
Jihad........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 11:12:48 PM
Another little Billy photo......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 29, 2008, 11:32:09 PM
never a silent night..........
Title: Australian Joke
Post by: Gator on January 30, 2008, 07:47:55 AM
VOTED BEST JOKE IN AUSTRALIA

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
 
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."
 
The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 30, 2008, 08:51:18 AM
Hooked on Crack
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 30, 2008, 09:02:43 AM
Red Neck Bra
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on January 30, 2008, 09:11:45 AM
Warning I may have actually went too far this time. If the mods want to remove this
you will not get any argument from me.

Warning I may have actually went too far this time. If the mods want to remove this
you will not get any argument from me.

Title: Prize for Correct Answer
Post by: Gator on February 02, 2008, 01:14:27 PM
First correct answers wins a prize:

1.  Why is this policeman stopping the motorcylce?
2.  In what country was this photo taken?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: AnastassiaAsh on February 02, 2008, 01:23:34 PM
what's the prize?  ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BC on February 02, 2008, 01:25:37 PM
1 woman not wearing helmet
2. Czech Republic
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: AnastassiaAsh on February 02, 2008, 01:26:36 PM
Yes, 2tallbill, tooooo far!  :(
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BillyB on February 02, 2008, 03:22:08 PM
1) Imparing the ability for others drivers to drive/Creating a hazard on the road.

2) Czech Republic.

When can I pick up the million dollars?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on February 02, 2008, 03:23:41 PM
BC, correct!!!  

I should have excluded our members in Europe.

The prize is a long list of sincere, beautiful women just dying to meet you.  Two problems:  all are 40 or over and BC needs the list as much as I do.  

When in Italy again, I'll take you to dinner.  Sandro and I enjoyed our dinner together at a fine family operated restaurant.  So far off the beaten path that I think Sandro was lost.  He will not admit it but we passed the same intersection three times.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on February 02, 2008, 06:08:58 PM
When in Italy again, I'll take you to dinner.  Sandro and I enjoyed our dinner together at a fine family operated restaurant. So far off the beaten path that I think Sandro was lost.
Well, I'd never been in that remote area of Parco del Ticino before, and you must admit that the map is rather simplified (http://www.lavecchiatrattoria.it/) ;).
Quote
He will not admit it but we passed the same intersection three times.
It was only twice, I stopped to ask directions to some cyclists, and you were pissed off because of some recently-departed Cossack, IIRC, which may have clouded your recollections ;D.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on February 11, 2008, 07:56:49 AM
2nd Best Canadian Joke of the year...

 An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the
States, waiting for their luggage.

 The wife happens to notice an oddly dressed man also waiting.
 She asks her husband where he thinks the man is from.
 The husband says he doesn't know.
 He decides to ask the man and approaches him.

 "Where are you from?" he asks the man.

 "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" he replies.

 Puzzled, the husband returns to his wife.
 "Well, where is he from ?" asks the wife.
 "I don't know" replies the husband. "He doesn't speak English." :cluebat: :cluebat:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on February 11, 2008, 08:00:26 AM
FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking
a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200
women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and
said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied,
"My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further,
"Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered,
"My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on February 11, 2008, 08:03:24 AM
Old prospector.

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of 
whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to 
the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and 
clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand 
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.  The gunslinger looked at the 
old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did 
dance.
I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old 
fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's 
feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and 
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both 
hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down 
both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No.  But I've always wanted 
to."

Don't mess with old farts . . :crackthewhip:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on February 11, 2008, 08:06:00 AM
Subject: Veterinary Medicine

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the cow's body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor, the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body".
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually all took there turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "the second most important quality is observation".
"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."
Now learn to pay attention, "Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 11, 2008, 11:19:40 PM
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 11, 2008, 11:21:54 PM
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 11, 2008, 11:22:55 PM
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 11, 2008, 11:26:58 PM
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 11, 2008, 11:34:15 PM
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a sh!t, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh!t like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 11, 2008, 11:36:04 PM
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 11, 2008, 11:38:52 PM
Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine
1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 12, 2008, 12:03:39 AM
Another blond Joke......

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog that has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 12, 2008, 12:06:22 AM
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

'Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! '

'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 12, 2008, 12:14:55 AM
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 12, 2008, 12:26:43 AM
A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off." "No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins." So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once. "Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory." "Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married." "Then how do you account for all of these things?" "Simple, Did you ever go into a Pharmacy winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 12, 2008, 12:49:12 AM
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The Moral of the Story: Pay your bills.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 15, 2008, 03:07:50 PM
Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school
in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.  Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the  girls would
put them back.
Finally the principal decided that somethi ng had to
be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip
prints were causing a major problem for the custodian
who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses).  To
demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked  the maintenance man to show the
girls how much effort was required.  He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned  the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are teachers ........................... and then there
are educators.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 15, 2008, 03:10:11 PM
Achievment
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 15, 2008, 03:11:08 PM
ambition.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 15, 2008, 03:51:19 PM
Tammy Faye Bakers older sister got her interested in make up at an
early age..............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 15, 2008, 09:09:25 PM
Discovery.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: wxman on February 17, 2008, 03:26:56 PM
Pretty funny

[youtube=425,350]http://youtube.com/watch?v=jWrj9TaA0Mc[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: wxman on February 21, 2008, 01:53:58 PM
         TEACHER:       Maria, go to the map and find North America
          MARIA:          Here it is.
          TEACHER:      Correct. Now class, who discovered  America ?
          CLASS:          Maria.
       

          TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
          JOHN:           You told me to do it without using tables.
   
         TEACHER:           Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
          GLENN:              K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
          TEACHER:        No, that's wrong
          GLENN:            Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
           

          TEACHER:       Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
          DONALD:         H I J K L M N O.
          TEACHER:       What are you talking about?
          DONALD:           Yesterday you said it's H to O.   


          TEACHER:       Winnie, name one important thing we have today
                              that we didn't have ten years ago.
          WINNIE:             Me!


          TEACHER:      Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
          GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than  you are.


          TEACHER:       Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
          MILLIE:            I is...
          TEACHER:         No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
          MILLIE:             All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

         
          TEACHER:       George Washington not only chopped down his
                              father's cherry  tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do
                              you know why his father didn't punish him?
          LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand.

         
          TEACHER:       Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
                              before eating?
          SIMON:          No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

         
         TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
                             Did you copy his?
          CLYDE :        No, teacher, it's the same dog.

       
          TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
                            talking when people are no longer interested?
          HAROLD:       A teacher


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on February 27, 2008, 02:16:01 PM
I've heard about this but until today had not seen the videos.  Wonder if RW will find it funny?


HER SONG:

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=wnVJZkDuVBM


HIS RETALIATION:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGa29kPBbp4
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 07:17:01 PM
****Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming****
****Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming****
****Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming****

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 09:39:15 PM
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 10:18:29 PM
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 11:13:28 PM
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 11:15:30 PM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 11:25:04 PM
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 11:49:46 PM
Letter to used car dealership

"Usually I wouldn't get mad if there were something wrong with the used car I bought.
However yesterday I got furious because my wife wanted to move home to her mother - and the damn thing wouldn't start..."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2008, 11:59:40 PM
Perspective......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 02, 2008, 12:37:52 AM
Don't bring your daughter to work
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."



Armed with the Bible
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"


Arnold Schwarzenegger
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers.

Nicholas Cage, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to
select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Cage, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I'll be Bach."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 02, 2008, 12:46:07 AM
Night at the barn

A lawyer and two friends - a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 02, 2008, 12:50:48 AM
The curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



Lying bastard

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".


At the doctors office

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 06, 2008, 07:36:59 PM
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada .... I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 06, 2008, 09:44:54 PM
Women are proven mathematically to be problematic............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 06, 2008, 09:59:46 PM
hmmmm....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 06, 2008, 10:06:19 PM
Ok, how often were you thinking of posting this when reading a newbie post or during a
argument about politics (or an age thread). Now you can refer to this sign.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 06, 2008, 10:27:10 PM
definition of a bad day!!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 10, 2008, 09:03:07 PM
*UP OR DOWN SEX** *

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman
and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to
go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed
to the river to his fishing boat and started out on
their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and
pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what
had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
0lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
'f*ck or drown.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 12, 2008, 05:47:54 PM
An 85 year old man gets married to a young, sexy girl that thinks it will just be a platonic affair with no sex because of his age. But, about 10 minutes after she is in bed, he comes in and they have exellent sex. The man leaves the room, and comes in about 30 minutes later and they have sex again. The girl is astonished, but even more astonished when he comes back in 30 minutes after this and they have even more sex. When they are done, she tells him that she is amazed that he can have sex so often in one night.

"You mean", he says, "I was here before????"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 01:29:33 AM
If men designed the bra.....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 01:32:38 AM
For Sale: Can't afford to maintain anymore... Going to school. High mileage,
worn out interior, loud, lots of modifications, used to be fun but now its
boring, not very reliable, but takes a licking and keeps on kicking, test drivers welcome.
Best offer. Call Rob @ (905)822-XXXX, or if you want the car call (416)754-XXXX.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 01:35:59 AM
The Rude Customer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 01:38:07 AM


A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "What the f*ck is the difference?"

The boys says, "That's what I said!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 01:43:40 AM
The Barber and Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”

“What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that crappy haircut?”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 01:51:55 AM
Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

Alternate.........."Well I want donate one of my testicles to science"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 01:57:32 AM
 Deathbed Honesty

A man is lying on his deathbed. His wife sits at his bedside holding his hand and praying silently. He looks up and says weakly, "There's something I must confess, my dear."

"There's no need to," she replies.

"No," he insists, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replies. "Now just be still and let the poison work."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2008, 02:02:45 AM
The Wife and the Bull

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”

They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.

“This here’s the pride of the County: 365 times, ma’am.”

The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, “Hey, was it all with the same cow?”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on April 02, 2008, 07:55:55 AM
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff, Battalion, and Company
Commanders.  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.  He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.  He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure."
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.
With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
 
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.  "Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted corps.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 07, 2008, 10:30:58 PM
One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to
the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.
She read, "....and Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The Sky is falling!"

The teacher then asked
the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "He said
Holy Sh!t a talking chicken!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 07, 2008, 10:31:39 PM
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice. "The big sissy"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 07, 2008, 10:32:53 PM
An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him. "How do you
expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
"For Heaven's sake Dylan come in or stay out!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 07, 2008, 10:33:47 PM
A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd
found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you
know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.

"Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move" answered
the child innocently. "You Did What!?!?!?" the teacher
exclaimed in surprise.

"You know" explained the boy. "I leaned over
and went Psssst! and it didn't move"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 07, 2008, 10:34:52 PM
A guy goes to the barber and he brings his little daughter.
She stands next to the barber chair eating her snack cake

The barber says "little girl you are going to get hair on your
twinkie".........She says "I know and I am going to get boobs too!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 05:40:02 PM
Cap Locks

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 05:45:13 PM
Breast exam............February is breast awareness month.
we stare because we care
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 05:47:33 PM
whoooooopssss.........

Buttox
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 05:50:26 PM
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 10:19:03 PM
he is a dead man.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 10:23:01 PM
Mans best friend and corny joke........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 10:24:16 PM
He got his 72 virgins alright........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 10:25:01 PM
I'll get in line......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 10:28:32 PM
Boob jokes don't really have to be that funny (if you provide a photo).....
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 10:59:25 PM
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others.

Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.

He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 11:00:20 PM
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 16, 2008, 11:01:26 PM
A robber enters a bank and shouts:
- Everybody freeze! It's a f*ck up!
- Do you mean, it's actually a stick up? one of the clerks asks meekly.
- No! I mean it's a f*ck-up! I've forgotten my gun at home!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 19, 2008, 08:28:19 PM
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a Ł20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"WOW!!!!", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2008, 11:40:06 PM
Risky.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2008, 11:40:58 PM
Pragmatic.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2008, 11:41:50 PM
Remote control.......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2008, 11:42:24 PM
Whipped......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2008, 11:43:36 PM
Hillbilly love...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2008, 11:45:11 PM
Code breaker......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: AugustD on April 22, 2008, 09:01:43 AM
Bill,
I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes but I wish to share a small story with you.  I do not wish to make this a sad spot but my father is not well.  After a bad round of chemo last week, I was helping him to bed and tucking him in this weekend.  For some reason I remembered your "this is a F up!" joke and relayed it to him.  Not sure if he went to bed with a big smile because of the timing of a silly joke or because it struck him as it did me.

Just keep them coming.  Thanks for the reading!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 22, 2008, 05:40:03 PM
Bill,
I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes but I wish to share a small story with you.  I do not wish to make this a sad spot but my father is not well.  After a bad round of chemo last week, I was helping him to bed and tucking him in this weekend.  For some reason I remembered your "this is a F up!" joke and relayed it to him.  Not sure if he went to bed with a big smile because of the timing of a silly joke or because it struck him as it did me.

Just keep them coming.  Thanks for the reading!

I don't know if I have ever received such a nice compliment.

I wish I could show this story to my various teachers (kidding) who thought that my joking around would cause me great peril someday.

I wish all the best for you and your Dad.
Udachi! (good luck)


Bill
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on April 22, 2008, 05:54:14 PM
Bill, I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes
Simple to get an idea, when you see this thread in a tabular listing like "View unread posts", you'll see a column at right entitled "Views" (it now shows the figure 12,605) ;).
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 22, 2008, 06:32:20 PM
Safety First !!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 22, 2008, 06:32:51 PM
Safety First !!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 22, 2008, 06:33:31 PM
Safety First !!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 22, 2008, 06:46:11 PM
***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***


"While talking to my friend in Denmark he says he can't figure out why we are even bothering to hold a presidential election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, or a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: MaxxumUSA on April 22, 2008, 08:11:21 PM
Bill,
I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes but I wish to share a small story with you.  I do not wish to make this a sad spot but my father is not well.  After a bad round of chemo last week, I was helping him to bed and tucking him in this weekend.  For some reason I remembered your "this is a F up!" joke and relayed it to him.  Not sure if he went to bed with a big smile because of the timing of a silly joke or because it struck him as it did me.

Just keep them coming.  Thanks for the reading!

Actually...  I was just thinking I was going to publicly thank bill for his contributions to this thread.  So I guess I will!

Thank you!  Very much appreciated!   Been reading it since the beginning.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 22, 2008, 11:22:30 PM
You guys are making me blush .............LOL.

I asked a genie once to make me irresistible to women..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 22, 2008, 11:53:52 PM
I was the oldest of 6 kids two brothers and three sisters.
So I got more than my share of the house work. If only I thought
of this back then!!!!

Baby duster
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 23, 2008, 12:29:59 AM
Kinda ironic isn't it..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 23, 2008, 12:33:15 AM
Good parenting........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 23, 2008, 01:01:01 AM
Brrrrrrr...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 23, 2008, 01:03:14 AM

Sad but true......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 23, 2008, 01:16:48 AM
Art
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 23, 2008, 01:52:35 AM
Butterface...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: AnastassiaAsh on April 24, 2008, 10:38:45 AM
I was the oldest of 6 kids two brothers and three sisters.
So I got more than my share of the house work. If only I thought
of this back then!!!!

Baby duster

This is really good Bill!  ;)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ridersfan on April 30, 2008, 01:31:38 AM

   Do the Brits ever get tired of being red-faced. First the Heathrow Terminal debacle and now this new Government Agency logo.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1901656/OGC-unveils-new-logo-to-red-faces.html
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on April 30, 2008, 02:13:20 PM
Gotta love them Brits!  I particularly liked this quote, which was apparently said in all seriousness, "...it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend.”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on May 01, 2008, 02:12:32 PM
2009 Tax Code ......
 
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around  unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
 
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
 
The brackets are as follows:
 
10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
  8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
  5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
  3 - 5 ' Nuisance Tax $30.00
 
Males exceeding
12' must file capital gains.
 
Anyone under 4'
is eligible for a tax refund.
 
PLEASE DO NOT
ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 01, 2008, 11:29:20 PM
Romantic thoughts..........


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.





She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.





"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.



"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.





The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.





The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.



"Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.





The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".





"I remember that too", she replies softly.





He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2008, 11:33:16 PM
**Warning the following jokes have been stolen fair and square from AK Mike**

 Woodpecker Wisdom
An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable (a term
woodpeckers like to use). The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.



* * *

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.

)

* * *

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.



* * *

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.



* * *

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.



* * *

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.



* * *

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.



* * *

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.



* * *

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Creation vs Evolution.

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children
And so was all mankind made.

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Free Drinks in Ireland
'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord

there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself personally....no!', said the Irishman.
'But it did happen to me sister.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 08, 2008, 07:17:51 PM
Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.



On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal?"

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 08, 2008, 09:31:00 PM
you suck........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 08, 2008, 11:18:18 PM
Note this joke belongs to Tedd Goff
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 09, 2008, 05:41:14 PM
Warning Corny Dirty Joke don't read if you are easily offended!!!


Laying Off Sarah or Jack

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

 Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

 So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

 And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 09, 2008, 06:06:20 PM
Dumbest Criminals.....

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZXaxE42OTA4&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZXaxE42OTA4&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>


hmmmmmmmmmm............How do I embed a youtube video?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on May 09, 2008, 06:10:58 PM
hmmmmmmmmmm............How do I embed a youtube video?

Don't try the embed feature at youtube, simply hit the youtube button above the "reply" box here, and copy/paste the URL of the youtube webpage you want to show.

Code: [Select]

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXaxE42OTA4[/youtube]


and you get:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXaxE42OTA4[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 10, 2008, 08:23:35 PM
Thanks Jet.............


****Warning next joke has a sexual word in it****

Two Southern Belles are having lunch and one says to the other, "Livvy, how DO you keep your skin so soft, do tell!"

Livvy says, "Why Magnolia, because you are my very DEAREST friend, I will give you my secret: every night I bathe in milk."

So Magnolia heads straight to the market after lunch and signals the stock clerk, "Son, son, come here. I need fifty gallons of milk. You see, I'm going to bathe in it to make my skin soft and lovely."

The clerk drawls, "Ok, ma'am. You need that milk pasturize?"

"Oh, no" she replies, "just up to my titties and then I'll splash it on my face."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on May 12, 2008, 04:59:59 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 05:58:04 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'


Jet I am sooooooo..........going to steal that joke.  :ROFL:


the parents of a 10 years old kid come home in the evening and they
 find in their son's bed a magazine. they take it to look what kind of
 magazine it is, and they have a shock. the magazine is a porn one, for sado
 masochists.

after 5 minutes of shock, the father says to his wife:

I think we should rethink the whole spanking thing.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 06:03:21 PM
Fashion Tips:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 06:05:11 PM
Additional fashion tip for men:

if you were a thong shave your @ss
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 06:43:51 PM
When in deep $H!T..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 06:48:34 PM
Movies you will never see......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 06:57:11 PM
This isn't actually that funny but something made me post this photo.

Maybe someone can come up with a catchy slogan for it making it funny......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:04:40 PM
Here for an example is a photo that without a catchy comment wouldn't be very funny.................


Little Billy standing abreast his baby sitter.
Little Billy wonders why anyone likes solid food.
Did you know that some elephants breast feed for ten years? Little
Billy would like to be part elephant


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:11:24 PM
The reason men should not answer the phones or take messages
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: MaxxumUSA on May 12, 2008, 07:18:01 PM
Little Billy standing abreast his baby sister.
Little Billy wonders why anyone likes solid food.
Did you know that some elephants breast feed for ten years? Little
Billy would like to be part elephant


Those are too long.  Try this one:

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:25:54 PM
Bacon flow chart...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:28:45 PM
Why is it that REAL men don't write advice columns.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:38:28 PM
Alien vs Predator 3

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:51:52 PM
Great buns......
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:53:50 PM
Wanted.........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 07:56:26 PM
air guitar for sell 5 bucks.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 08:00:45 PM
Sally is blond, and is very hard to pull something over on her!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 12, 2008, 08:03:01 PM
Let it snow.............
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 14, 2008, 09:27:55 AM
random joke..........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 14, 2008, 09:28:41 AM
Priorities...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 14, 2008, 05:13:36 PM
Goals are great but they should be reasonable...........
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on May 14, 2008, 06:03:31 PM
I hope that was not AJ in hie earlier days!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: dneid on May 19, 2008, 09:57:15 AM
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides
and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."
 
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and
head for the bathtub:
 
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very
small bathroom.

If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were
about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat
can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician
can shift  positions.)
 
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin  from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,
a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
 
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go outfox a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water.
Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make
sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the
water.
 
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product testing experiment for J. C.  Penney.)
 
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt
him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
 
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, the problem is
radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free and callback into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
 
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this
point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now
the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally,
however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to
encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
 
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case.  As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
 
But at least now he smells a lot better.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on May 20, 2008, 01:42:17 PM
Old-time Jewish humor
From the old Jewish Catskill of vaudewille days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman,  and others?
 
 Not one single swear word in their comedy…

 * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife
ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's
making love?   "Honey, I'm home!"

 * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.


* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called
it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.


* I was just in London --- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm
still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay
his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back."   Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"


* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"


* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've
been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get
started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
 
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the
fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
   A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*  Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
   A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
   A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
* Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
   A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

* A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said,
"Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother
answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has
a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I
play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

* Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
   A: Under the vacuum cleaner
* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us,
we won, let's eat.

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

* Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
   A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
   A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on May 20, 2008, 08:25:48 PM
Old-time Jewish humor - From the old Jewish Catskill of vaudewille days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman,  and others? Not one single swear word in their comedy…
.. and the Marx Brothers ... and Woody Allen ... and ...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on May 28, 2008, 02:32:18 PM
Proper care and feeding of children:

http://www.yaplakal.com/uhod_za_detmi.htm
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on May 28, 2008, 03:22:23 PM
 
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten taliban."
 The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
 silence.
>
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban."
 Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
 and instantly, a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
 again, silence.
>
The voice calls out again, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
 The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
 across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge
 battle is fought. Then silence.
>
Eventually, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with
 his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap.
 There's actually two of them."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on May 30, 2008, 08:30:51 AM
Actual Classified ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES:1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES..Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to
> leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
> a big reward.
>
> COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
>
> GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89cents/lb.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
>
> And the best one:
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
> volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed,
> Got married last month. Wife knows everything.


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 18, 2008, 05:43:19 PM
Parking for women
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 21, 2008, 04:57:19 PM
BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're out of here'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 21, 2008, 05:01:42 PM
To my "teacher" friends!

 

 

 

 

 

My five-year old students, are learning to read.
 

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,                       
 
'Look at this!  It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant!    It says so on the picture!' 


 And so it does... (scroll down)






' A f r i c a n  Elephant '


 Hooked on phonics!    Ain't it wonderful?

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 21, 2008, 05:03:13 PM
God said,
'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said,
'Gladly, Lord. What do You want me to do ?'

God said,
'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said,
'What's a Valley ?'

God explained it to him; Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said,
'What's a River ?'

God explained that to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said,
'What is a hill ?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was,
then told Adam,
'On the other side of the hill you'll find a cave.'

Adam said,
'What's a cave ?'

After God explained, He said,
'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said,
'What's a Woman ?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said,
'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said,
'How do I do that ?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'

And then, just like everything else, God
explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river, and over the hill, into
the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily,
'What is it now ?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache ?'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 21, 2008, 05:43:36 PM
Careful with the landing.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 21, 2008, 05:52:23 PM
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: OlgaH on June 21, 2008, 06:30:30 PM
most likely made in China...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on June 29, 2008, 03:24:51 PM
This one is for ALL those great ladies, that put up with all you guys... :cluebat:

To the powerful women in life - Keep the faith!

 Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the
 morning, Satan shudders & says...

 'Oh hell... She's awake!
Title: Installing a husband
Post by: OlgaH on June 29, 2008, 07:39:26 PM
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable  programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 -------------------------------------
 Dear Desperate:

 First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You  Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the  Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is  a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in  the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 . In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and  cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying  additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and  Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: steviej on June 29, 2008, 10:52:55 PM
Olga ... funny !!  :ROFL:

I definitely agree with running the food and lingerie utilities ... often :)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on June 30, 2008, 08:35:52 AM

The other side of that coin...... ;)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on July 07, 2008, 03:16:06 PM
Olga ... funny !!  :ROFL:

I definitely agree with running the food and lingerie utilities ... often :)

And for the men... two other software :

*Male Friend Needs Technical Support with GIRLFRIEND software :

Can you please advise me.  I'm having some problems.  I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately.  I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.  I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off.  But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.  I just run them separately, and it works okay.  Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.  I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly.  He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.  Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta.  All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus.  I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.  It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system!  Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!  The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.  Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram.  Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.  Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.  And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".  A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.  He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did.  But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog".  It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else.  One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.  Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off.  I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.  Can you help??

* Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

    * A "don't remind me again" button.
    * Minimize button.
    * Ability to delete the "headache" file
    * An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
    * An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: steviej on July 07, 2008, 10:23:28 PM
The other side of that coin...... ;)

Good one !!  :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 08, 2008, 01:50:39 PM
How many of these do we have?   Wise old men ...that is! :)   ;)   :D   >:(

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Peace........Mamma D


 
Title: This is a very LARGE annoucement.
Post by: Mamma D on July 08, 2008, 02:39:18 PM

This is a very LARGE annoucement. 
Enjoy!!!!!
 
 
    Pfizer Corp. announced.....   
 
     
    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 10, 2008, 12:47:01 AM
 Daddy's Phone Call

Child: "Hello?"

Daddy: "Hi honey. It's Daddy. Is Mommy nearby?"

Child: "No Daddy. Mommy's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

Daddy: "Honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

Child: "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy."

Brief Pause.

Daddy: "Okay, honey. I want you to put the phone down on the table and run upstairs. Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

Child: "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

Moments later the little girl comes back to the phone.

Child: "I did it, Daddy."

Daddy: "What happened, honey?"

Child: "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and began running and screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

Daddy: "Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

Child: "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. Then he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Daddy: "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 10, 2008, 12:55:47 AM
 Anything You Want

One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 10, 2008, 01:21:18 AM
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert


3 Dogs at the Vet

3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?

"I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question.

"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.

So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Lab.

The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there.

"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 10, 2008, 01:50:45 AM


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 10, 2008, 02:21:32 AM
Police Emergency

This is the story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on July 20, 2008, 06:19:53 AM
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across  the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared  the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.' He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'  She said, 'Well, think of your wife and  children.'   He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'  She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.' He  replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?'' 

She replied, ''Well bless your  heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb @ss Yankee.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 20, 2008, 06:43:49 PM
Remember when ?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 20, 2008, 06:45:29 PM
The wheels of life.... where are you?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 20, 2008, 06:49:52 PM
     Blonde in Starbucks....
     

    A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

    a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.



    So she peels it off and starts screaming,

    "I've won a motorhome!

    I've won a motorhome!"



    The waitres! s says, "That's impossible.

    The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"



    But the blonde keeps on screaming,

    "I've won a motorhome!

    I've won a motorhome!"



    Finally, the manager comes over and says,

    "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

    You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

    because we didn't have that as a prize.



    The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.

    I've won a motorhome!"



    And she hands the ticket to the

    manager and HE reads...


     
    (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)



     
     
    "W I N A B A G E L"
     
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 20, 2008, 06:53:54 PM
It is best never to go to bed ANGERY! I think....

The  Silent Treatment 
 
A  man and his wife were having some problems at home  and  were giving each other the silent treatment. 
 
Suddenly,  the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at  5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.   
 
Not  wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece  of paper, 
 
'Please  wake me at 5:00 AM .' 
 
He  left it where he knew she would find it.
 
The  next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had  missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and  see  why his wife hadn't wakened him,  when  he noticed a piece of paper by the  bed. 
 
The  paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
 
Men  are not equipped for these kinds of contests.   
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: KenC on July 20, 2008, 07:34:27 PM
I loved that last one, Momma!
KenC
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 27, 2008, 10:07:17 PM


A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in a shopping cart.  Each time she put something in the cart she would say, "and here's something for you, Diploma."  Or This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.  Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to LSU and this is what she came home with!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 28, 2008, 09:12:43 AM
NOW WE KNOW.......

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...



I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND.
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.  (spelled hysterectomy, but sounds HIS)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on July 28, 2008, 10:50:09 AM
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
Your forgot pregNancy (not pregJohn, though he may be involved marginally) ;D.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 28, 2008, 11:34:11 AM
A Matter of Perception....I Think......

cream and sugar

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
 
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.

The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
 
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bra
because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him,

"How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two would be fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.
 "And cream?" she asks.
 
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "I don't think so!"   :)   

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: msmoby_ru on July 28, 2008, 12:18:37 PM
It is best never to go to bed ANGERY! I think....

The  Silent Treatment 
 
   

Priceless humour :)

Many thanks
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: groovlstk on July 29, 2008, 08:18:06 AM
It would be just my luck to sit next to this woman on the metro someday:

http://exiledonline.com/patriotic-babushka-sings-stalins-praises/
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: diverboy70 on July 29, 2008, 08:30:46 AM
I jst love this :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 29, 2008, 04:10:53 PM

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: wendaaaal on August 01, 2008, 08:16:40 PM
Anybody remember "SCTV" ? This one's from 1982. Jack Bragg probably won't like the Texas reference  ;D
[youtube=425,350]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xy8cWUFplVU&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xy8cWUFplVU&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

Cheers,
Wendell in Austin
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on August 05, 2008, 06:29:55 PM
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.  I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their
fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a damn wall."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on August 05, 2008, 06:47:35 PM
 :ROFL: :applaud:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on August 06, 2008, 11:45:12 AM
Although I know that he doesn't spend much time riding on the streets, this one is for AJ --

The Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.

Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular.He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.  And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.

Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ...
but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves, a whole lot of Band-Aids and clean underwear.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 06, 2008, 07:25:40 PM
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
 
Well, there's a very simple answer.
 
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
 
We just didn't know we were getting low.
 
The reason for that is purely geographical.
 
Our OIL is located in :
 
ALASKA
 
California
 
Coastal  Florida
 
Coastal  Louisiana
 
Wyoming
 
Colorado
 
Kansas
 
Oklahoma
 
Pennsylvania
 
and
 
Texas
 
Our dipsticks are located in DC
 
Any Questions?
 
NO?...
 
I Didn't think so.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on August 09, 2008, 05:10:25 AM
Although I know that he doesn't spend much time riding on the streets, this one is for AJ --

The Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising ...

LOL Conner! It reminds me of the story my father used to tell about the time a wild turkey landed in his lap and proceeded to get itself trapped under the tonneau  cover of his MGA while driving home from work.  ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on August 11, 2008, 03:09:51 PM
An inspirational poster for all of us.

(http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/7845/aimhighxg0.jpg)

(Is that AJ?)
 ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BC on August 11, 2008, 04:24:12 PM
An inspirational poster for all of us.

(http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/7845/aimhighxg0.jpg)

(Is that AJ?)
 ;D

Judging from his writing style, I'd say yeah..  BTW I really enjoy his posts.. More like poetry than much of the rambling going on here.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Lily on August 11, 2008, 11:52:00 PM
Newest Book on RM:
Devil Drives Lada
:)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: steviej on August 12, 2008, 12:01:09 AM
An inspirational poster for all of us.


Conner - very funny! Could be the cover of the "RWD Guide to Russian Women"   :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ca71447 on September 02, 2008, 06:05:48 PM
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES
. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
. A woman has the last word in any argument..
. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
. ; Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ca71447 on October 01, 2008, 06:39:25 PM
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in
AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased
$1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00
today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling
refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best
current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the
401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get
about 41 miles to the gallon!  Makes you proud to be an American!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 02, 2008, 09:03:18 AM
Jokes from Cartoon stock...........


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Faux Pas on October 02, 2008, 11:15:18 AM
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day
with an
8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the
third
cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell
phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as
possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
to be
his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital.
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a
stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant!

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about hi
s wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and somberly said, 'You went ahead and finished
your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your
wife
has been suffering intensely in the ICU! It's just as well you went
ahead
and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip
you
ever take!'

For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll
be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fuckin' with you. She's
dead.
What'd you catch?'

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Faux Pas on October 02, 2008, 01:47:19 PM
 WHY PARENTS DRINK
 
 A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
 
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
 
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

 
Dear Dad:
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
 
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
 
But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.... We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
 
She deserves it.
 
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love,
Your Son Cody,
 
P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home. 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 03, 2008, 09:31:04 AM
Halloween is just around the corner
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 03, 2008, 10:40:07 PM

Sunburned.....Maybe?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 05, 2008, 10:43:45 PM
Halloween is just around the corner
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 05, 2008, 11:21:50 PM
   
 
Wishing all of you a long and lovely INDIAN SUMMER........
And looking forward to the resting time when most of nature sleeps..

And children look forward to the mid-winter holidays.....
perhaps the child in all of us also..... :)

May all be well in your world.....

Mamma D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ca71447 on October 17, 2008, 05:33:30 PM


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on October 17, 2008, 06:37:07 PM
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
A vile slander, sirrah, I'll have you know that expressive gesticulation is not an Italian-only prerogative, with an umbrella message from an Argentinian and a Dutchman :( ;D.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 23, 2008, 10:26:20 PM
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***

Ok, I lied it's more like juvenile type humor that could offend some people.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 23, 2008, 10:28:59 PM
*** Warning juvenile type humor that could offend some people. ***
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 23, 2008, 10:30:27 PM
Whipped
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 24, 2008, 11:29:18 AM
Warning Juvenile Joke
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ca71447 on October 25, 2008, 02:56:33 PM
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1 . Lots of Sex
2 . Leave him alone - don't nag him
3.  Let him have the remote control
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ca71447 on October 29, 2008, 02:45:14 PM
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely .

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ca71447 on October 30, 2008, 09:04:35 PM
Subject:   Are there Mexican Jews ?
 
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles.
 
Sid asks Al, Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'
 
Al replies, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'
     
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'
     
The waiter says, 'I don't know Senor, I ask the cooks.'
     
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, No Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'
     
Al isn't satisfied and asks, Are you absolutely sure?'
     
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, Senor!' and goes back into the kitchen.
     
While the waiter is away, Sid says, I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico , our people are scattered everywhere.'
     
The waiter returns and says, Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'
     
Are you certain?' Al asks again.  I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'
     
Senor, I ask EVERYONE, replies the exasperated waiter,

All we have is  Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ca71447 on October 31, 2008, 05:59:29 PM


Investment tips for 2009
 
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
 
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
     will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
 
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
     Poly, Warner Cracker.
 
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:  MMMGood.
 
4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
   ZipAudiDoDa.
 
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:  FedUP.
 
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:  Fairwell Honeychild.
 
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:  PouponPants.
 
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:  Knott NOW!
 
And finally....
 
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:  TittyTittyBangBang
Title: How much do you love your girlfriend
Post by: OlgaH on November 21, 2008, 10:50:47 PM
 ;)

[youtube=425,350]fgefooqAMHY[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 22, 2008, 07:31:31 AM
The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember righty tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2008, 06:07:33 PM
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table.....
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2008, 06:11:38 PM
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him.
So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one
on the others behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general,
then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew
to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the
same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2008, 06:28:42 PM
I must admit, My Ex wife brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met her.

-----------------------------------

Definition of a bad day # 187
You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

-----------------------------------

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on November 29, 2008, 06:35:43 PM

      Kiss the cook........and tell her you love her!   :)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2008, 07:24:41 PM
      Kiss the cook........and tell her you love her!   :)

I did the cooking my son Tim made the pies
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 29, 2008, 07:26:19 PM
Sex Quotes warning some have been around for quite awhile

    *  No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln
    * Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein
    * Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West
    * Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~ Woody Allen
    * Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~ Bob Rubin
    * Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen
    * The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith
    * Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp
    * Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich
    * When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~ Author Unknown
    * Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Butch Hancock
    * To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~ Don Schrader
    * Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~ Author Unknown
    * My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. ~ Erica Jong
    * Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain
    * We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. ~ Arthur Hoppe
    * Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen
    * There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John
    * There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. ~ Billy Joel
    * When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. ~ Author Unknown
    * The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote
    * A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown
    * If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~ Louise Sammons
    * I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
    * Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~ George Bernard Shaw
    * Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown
    * Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen
    * What they love to yield they would often rather have stolen. Rough seduction delights them, the boldness of near rape is a compliment. ~ Ovid
    * When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederike Ryder
    * Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown
    * My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. ~ Bob Hope
    * Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks
    * I once knew a woman who offered her honor So I honored her offer And all night long I was on her and off her. ~ Author Unknown
    * Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker
    * My cock doesn't talk politics. ~ S. Sachs
    * I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney
    * An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~ Author Unknown
    * A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: "Because everything does." ~ Honor Tracy
    * Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~ Charles Bukowski
    * When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening
    * There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O'Rourke
    * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ~ Author Unknown
    * A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus
    * To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. ~ Cary Grant
    * My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~ Edwina Currie
    * I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
      ~ Author Unknown
    * The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~ Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on November 29, 2008, 11:23:20 PM
Good collection, Bill  ;D.
* I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
This could have been written by Groucho Marx ;).
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 11, 2008, 06:42:12 PM
You can't fix stupid !

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 11, 2008, 06:51:19 PM
I didn't really have a joke to go with the picture,

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/jokes-1.jpg)



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 11, 2008, 07:29:37 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/jokeq.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on December 12, 2008, 12:30:38 PM
There comes a time......when blonds don't have more fun!

 ICE FISHING BLONDE...


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many  books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.  Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK..."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on December 12, 2008, 12:49:34 PM

 
When I'm an old lady

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
and make his life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all of the joy he's provided,
returning each deed.   Oh, he'll be so excited.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, he will shout.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When he's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head,
and when he is done I'll hide under the bed.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when she gets angry, run fast   as I'm able.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on December 20, 2008, 10:53:47 AM
 
WHY....WHY.... WHY...


Why, Why, Why,
 
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost
dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not
enough money?
 
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to
check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
 
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at
him?
 
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
 
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
 
If people evolved from apes,   Why are there still apes?
 
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
 
Is there ever a day that mattresses    Are not on sale?
 
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat
will have materialized?
 
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then
reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
 
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
 
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
 
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't
we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
 
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you
always manage to knock something else over?
 


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?
 
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of
mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 

 
 

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on December 20, 2008, 11:01:58 AM
                MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR !!  :)

               Click here:

           http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf
 
           Be sure to click on a reindeer or two or three or   more!!  ;)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on December 20, 2008, 11:51:21 AM
Things aren't always how they appear! 
 
A teacher asked students to draw a picture of "When I Grow Up, I Want to Be..."    One drawing alarmed her: 

(to be continued)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on December 20, 2008, 11:53:20 AM
Note sent the next school day by mommy to teacher...


"Sorry Teacher. That's not a dance pole on stage in a strip joint!

...I work at Home Depot ...that's me selling a  shovel."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: KenC on December 20, 2008, 12:28:28 PM
Too funny, Gator.  Was this a "real" incident, or something you found on the Net?
KenC
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on December 21, 2008, 07:24:45 AM
KenC,

The Net.  It is remarkable how much comedy and entertainment, most of it not very good, is sent via email.

Splendid to see your name.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 21, 2008, 10:59:22 PM
Mostly airline jokes,

You can blame Delta for canceling my flight Friday

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/WelcomeAboard4.jpg)

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke1-3.jpg)

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 21, 2008, 11:46:59 PM
There is a reason most artists will not let their models
see their work before it is finished.


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke1-2.jpg)

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GoodOlBoy on December 23, 2008, 02:46:31 PM
When the man first noticed that his "member" was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that his rare condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"  :)

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on December 30, 2008, 07:28:25 PM
(http://www.geocities.com/vaughn613/LeninShoots.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ridersfan on January 12, 2009, 12:07:13 AM
 
   In Canada on History T.V. there is a show called Criminal Mastermind. I don't think this guys story will ever be featured.

    http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/090109/koddities/oddity_masked_robber

  But he probably is a genius compared to this guy:

    http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090107/odds/odd_us_burglar_sex_odd
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on January 12, 2009, 03:09:22 AM

   In Canada on History T.V. there is a show called Criminal Mastermind. I don't think this guys story will ever be featured.

    http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/090109/koddities/oddity_masked_robber

  But he probably is a genius compared to this guy:

    http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090107/odds/odd_us_burglar_sex_odd
They are both intellectuals compared to a story hitting the Dutch news of a bankrobber writing 'I want money' on the back of a letter with his full addres...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on January 15, 2009, 07:38:15 PM
A friend sent me a really good website-enjoy; http://drunkfriends.com/quickies/freesex.html
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Simoni on January 17, 2009, 07:41:56 PM
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on January 22, 2009, 07:03:53 AM
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?

''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! '

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: OlgaH on January 25, 2009, 06:53:38 AM
YOU'LL  LIKE THIS ONE!
 
We need more people like this....
Posted to Craig's List Personals:
 
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org <mailto:pers-982078099@craigslist.org> [ ? <http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts> ]
Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very i ntimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 08, 2009, 06:03:25 PM
What would women look like if men could tell them what to wear.

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joked1.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/banned4.jpg)


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 08, 2009, 06:04:09 PM
Tell me you don't want to buy a vowel from Time to time

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/jokea-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 08, 2009, 06:06:27 PM
My ex wife's Lawyer sent me a Christmas card.
(she's holding a turnip  ;) )

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke2-6.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 08, 2009, 06:08:02 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke4-5.jpg)




(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke6-4.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 08, 2009, 06:12:58 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/peerpressure-2.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke9.jpg)



(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke1-6.jpg)



Sorry there is not enough beer dude
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke6-3.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke5-3.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on February 08, 2009, 06:16:07 PM
Glad to see you're back, Bill. I've been saving this one just for you...

(http://www.geocities.com/vaughn613/kick.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 09, 2009, 03:28:39 PM
Glad to see you're back, Bill. I've been saving this one just for you...

(http://www.geocities.com/vaughn613/kick.jpg)

Thanks Vaughn,

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/peerpressure3.jpg)
Title: When someone steals your Kodak moment
Post by: LEGAL on February 12, 2009, 07:53:29 PM
When someone steals your Kodak moment...
Title: When someone steals your Kodak moment (2)
Post by: LEGAL on February 12, 2009, 07:54:44 PM
When someone steals your Kodak moment (2)...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on February 12, 2009, 08:24:53 PM
Payload management..
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 14, 2009, 06:03:33 PM
*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********

*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********

*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********

Just skip to the next joke if you are easily offended !!!!!

(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke1-9.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 14, 2009, 06:08:47 PM
*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********

*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********

*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********

Just skip to the next joke if you are easily offended !!!!!



(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke5-6.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke14.jpg)



(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke15.jpg)



(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke16.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke12.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke3-6.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke9-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 15, 2009, 01:35:19 PM
jokes
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on February 19, 2009, 11:46:57 AM
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
Title: The gynecologist who became a mechanic
Post by: OlgaH on February 24, 2009, 04:46:21 PM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.    Fearing an error, he called the
Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 24, 2009, 08:19:10 PM




(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke2-10.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2009, 05:17:59 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke20.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2009, 05:18:37 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke18.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 01, 2009, 06:46:08 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke9-4.jpg)



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on March 04, 2009, 08:20:51 PM
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while it came to pass that an angel went to the Almighty and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 04, 2009, 08:28:27 PM
(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d131/smalltowntx/Motivational/whiskey.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 04, 2009, 08:35:02 PM



(http://i555.photobucket.com/albums/jj471/AndiiTheStalkeress/Motivational%20posters/silencemotivationalpostxa1.jpg)


(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d131/smalltowntx/Motivational/whenyouseeit.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GoodOlBoy on March 05, 2009, 07:24:12 AM
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead!

Brother 1: I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me? I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news to me easier.

You could of told me today that he got out of the house or
something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found him but he is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down.

Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive. I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.


GOB
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turboguy on March 13, 2009, 03:36:16 PM
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.   (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege ofhaving sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???) (Did our government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vinnvinny on March 13, 2009, 05:24:37 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'

Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vinnvinny on March 13, 2009, 05:27:13 PM
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Stuart."None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Stuart says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher blushes a great deal,"Well I suppose the one that gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

Stuart replies, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vinnvinny on March 13, 2009, 05:31:24 PM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vinnvinny on March 13, 2009, 05:46:22 PM
A duck walks into a stockbrokers office and puts 500 bucks onto his desk and says "I want to buy 500 bucks worth of Microsoft shares". The stockbroker looks at him and says "But you're a duck".

Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck, so what?"

Broker: "But you can talk"

Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck and I can talk, what of it?"

Broker: "Where did you get 500 bucks?"

Duck: "See out the window, see that building site over there?

Broker: "Yes"

Duck: "Well I'm a bricklayer, and I get paid good money, so for the next 5 months I'll be coming back here to buy 500 bucks worth of shares weekly"

Broker: "Listen, I've got a friend who owns a circus, and I bet you he would pay a lot more for you than what your getting now"

Duck: "A circus? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't a circus always traveling to different towns?"

Broker: "Yep"

Duck: "And don't these circus people live in tents and caravans?'

Broker: "Yep"

Duck: "Then why the **** would they need a bricklayer?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vinnvinny on March 13, 2009, 05:53:38 PM
A Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something .... we have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God, says an elderly nun at the Back, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on March 13, 2009, 08:06:47 PM
INTERESTING  HISTORY LESSON

  Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

  Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
    The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

    Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

    Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

    Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they use d for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

    Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

    So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Romebuilt the first long distance roads in Europe (andEngland ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

    And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.. Bureaucracies live forever.

    So the next time you are handed a specification/    procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the r ear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

    When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The eng ineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

    So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
    CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.




Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 13, 2009, 08:38:11 PM
Warning some most all of these jokes could be considered juvenile



(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke8-5.jpg)


(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke4-15.jpg)




(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke1-23.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 16, 2009, 05:45:42 PM
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 22, 2009, 06:48:25 PM
(http://i517.photobucket.com/albums/u339/gek_a6c/Motivational%20Posters/Talent.jpg)






(http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o407/Shriek_The_Geek/Motivational%20Posters/l337shirt.jpg)





Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 22, 2009, 06:50:53 PM
(http://i452.photobucket.com/albums/qq242/vinho_16/FAIL.jpg)




(http://i594.photobucket.com/albums/tt27/IllicoPresto/Motivational/ThatLook.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 22, 2009, 06:52:41 PM
(http://i594.photobucket.com/albums/tt27/IllicoPresto/Motivational/ThisText.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on March 22, 2009, 07:32:18 PM
 :rolleyes2:

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Nancy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Nancy," Said Mr. Goldstein,
 "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a Little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein , please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part Hanging out his pajamas, When he met Nurse Nancy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Nancy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died "
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your  pajamas?" (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)
"Well, he replied,
"Today's the viewing."


Title: How to marry a young, beautiful hottie! Is it luck?
Post by: Simoni on March 23, 2009, 09:03:57 AM
Can you believe it?

Man wins Georgia lottery on Wednesday, finds love of his life two days later.

Talk about luck!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on March 24, 2009, 09:27:29 AM

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” he says excitedly, “as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“Whaaattt?” said his grandpa. 
“Make a noise like a frog; because grandma said as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyworld!”

Bonus.......!   You will LOVE it ....I Promise!


    So there I was . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled, hey mom come look at all the little kittens


   




Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: LEGAL on March 26, 2009, 08:03:33 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.  She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her   from.   So he says, 'Do you know me?'  To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'  She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 26, 2009, 08:31:01 PM
(http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f284/audio_guy27/Pics%20Of%20Me/mysinglest-shirt.jpg)



(http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg182/bcuderman/ManCry.jpg)



(http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk250/citizenjen/funny%20and%20random/Fail_Wedgie.jpg)





(http://i440.photobucket.com/albums/qq126/Evil-i_photos/1237626234196.gif)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 26, 2009, 08:40:17 PM
(http://i534.photobucket.com/albums/ee350/theunknownguy36/Motivational%20Posters/ABumpyRoad.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 26, 2009, 08:51:43 PM
(http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f132/Rowan333/gottago.jpg)



(http://gi105.photobucket.com/groups/m233/ESBZH8MTVL/ohthedramaam7.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: TwoBitBandit on March 26, 2009, 09:35:34 PM
Damn those were funny, Bill... thanks.
Title: Take the panties off!
Post by: OlgaH on March 26, 2009, 11:14:15 PM
[youtube=425,350]6kr14wQ9T-4&feature=related[/youtube]

A student dormitory.

- Girls, take the panties off. The guys is coming to us!

- At last!! Cool!!

- What are you doing, idiots?! Take them off the clothesline!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 29, 2009, 10:17:53 PM
(http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d131/smalltowntx/Motivational/Women/personalassistant.jpg)



(http://i424.photobucket.com/albums/pp325/pallas6athena/Motivational%20Posters/1216063091760.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 30, 2009, 08:54:30 PM
Pavlov salivated too
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 31, 2009, 02:21:52 PM
Little Yuri's neighbor had a baby.  Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Yuri's family was invited over to see the baby.  Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk
with him and explained that the baby had no ears..

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.  Little Yuri told his dad he understood completely.  When Yuri looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." 

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Yuri". 

Yuri said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Yuri ,"coz he'd be f@cked if he needed glasses"

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on March 31, 2009, 06:27:22 PM
I wrote a disclaimer but then the post disappeared
because I tried to attach a bmp file which as everyone
except me knows causes chaos.

So here is my simplified disclaimer:

The following jokes might be considered rude, crude and juvenile.



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 18, 2009, 04:51:28 PM
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on April 18, 2009, 04:54:52 PM

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2009, 03:14:18 PM
***Warning Juvenile photos posing as motivational posters***

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 21, 2009, 03:16:42 PM
**** Warning Juvenile attempts at humor ****


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 24, 2009, 09:04:57 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke4-20.jpg)




(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke6-17.jpg)



(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke3-26.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: wxman on April 26, 2009, 02:05:44 PM
New pirate hat

http://web.gcpower.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/hijack_hat.jpg
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on April 27, 2009, 04:59:46 PM
When a woman puts her man in "The Doghouse" she'll soon find him in "The Cathouse" :)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Faux Pas on May 01, 2009, 11:14:34 PM
.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GoodOlBoy on May 06, 2009, 09:30:05 AM
Does anyone else smell what the Barack is a cookin' ?  :evil:


GOB
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Admin on May 06, 2009, 10:39:48 AM
Does anyone else smell what the Barack is a cookin' ?  :evil:


GOB

Let's leave this kind of political commentary OFF the board.

- Dan
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 06, 2009, 10:55:33 AM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke5-19.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GoodOlBoy on May 06, 2009, 11:15:08 AM
Let's leave this kind of political commentary OFF the board.

- Dan

Sorry Dan.....I didn't know that you voted for the guy.  :D


GOB
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Admin on May 06, 2009, 11:25:15 AM
Sorry Dan.....I didn't know that you voted for the guy.  :D


GOB

>>I didn't know that you voted for the guy.<<

And you STILL do not know.

Don't press this point. Political and religious commentary not related to the theme of this site have long been verboten due to the passions they inflame that have nothing to do with RWD. Take those to a more appropriate venue.

- Dan
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on May 06, 2009, 02:49:57 PM
How many of you have been rejected for the same reason? [size]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on May 06, 2009, 02:55:35 PM
THE MEN WHO WENT TO THE FSU AND STRUCK OUT
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on May 06, 2009, 02:59:08 PM
FOR THOSE MEN CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING KIDS
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 09, 2009, 07:11:11 PM
joke
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 17, 2009, 05:26:07 PM
Warning more juvenile motivational posters
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 17, 2009, 06:07:05 PM
Warning more juvenile stuff
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 17, 2009, 06:09:21 PM
Warning more juvenile posts on this thread
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 09, 2009, 06:18:00 PM
joke
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on July 17, 2009, 05:27:25 PM
The economy is so bad that...

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges..

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal - The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 Billion disappear!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 18, 2009, 07:19:18 PM
The town's most successful lawyer was found to have made no contributions to
United Way by the person in charge of contributors for United Way, so he called
him to persuade him to contribute.

The UW guy asked "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give not a penny to charity. "Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

UW guy Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"
Title: Cool Russian Actor speaks English :)
Post by: Lily on July 19, 2009, 06:03:56 AM
http://www.youtube.com/v/6ixwxhiylsQ
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on July 20, 2009, 04:34:07 AM
One of my favorites:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I thinkthey would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be noway for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Raincy on July 22, 2009, 10:42:00 PM
            Thanks for sharing the ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity.


________________
California Criminal Defense Attorney (http://www.skbesq.com/)
   
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on August 07, 2009, 12:28:42 PM
How graphic can we be with these jokes?
I can think of some raunchy ones.

Here is one of the cleaner ones.

A woman went to see her doctor to report that her husband had died from eating dog food.

The doctor said "of course he died. Dog food is not intended for human consumption."

The woman said "no, it was not that at all. One night he was lying on the sofa, licking himself and he fell off and broke his neck."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 21, 2009, 06:37:23 PM
Wii for women

[youtube=425,350]<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_SXNAtwYMBw&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_SXNAtwYMBw&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on August 30, 2009, 05:58:38 PM
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GoodOlBoy on September 09, 2009, 08:52:21 AM
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass  hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

GOB

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on September 11, 2009, 11:36:44 AM
True story.

I took the family to the fair. We watched the demolition derby, which finished up around 9:30 PM.

As we were headed out, my son wanted to go on the bungee jumping ride they had in the midway, where you put on a harness, and you hang from two bungee cords. He could jump, do flips, etc. It cost $7.00 to ride.

Being a bit cold after sunset (and my wife forgot to bring a jacket), I stood behind her, wrapped my arms around her to keep her warm, and watched our son having a great time.

My eyes went to the sign that showed the price, and underneath I read the small print, which said that $7.00 was for three minutes.

"$7.00 for three minutes? That's $140 an hour." I said out loud. "For $140, I could buy a woman for one hour."

The only thing that saved me at that moment was adding, "Of course, I would only need three minutes."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 29, 2009, 06:54:16 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/self-esteem-keeper-demotivational-poster-1254175963.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/self-esteem-keeper-demotivational-poster-72234.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on September 29, 2009, 06:56:51 PM
Contrary to the introduction below, this circulated in IBM already in 1969 when I joined, apropos of our ritual annual A/C (Appraisal/Counseling) interviews ;D.

RATING OF HUMAN PERFORMANCE
The rating was attributed to a certain Dave Barret and his group at the University of Florida in 1974. The rating was then reproduced by Azahari Ismail in 1978.

Quality
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings
Can leap over short buildings only
Crashes into building when attempting to leap
Cannot recognize buildings at all

Timeliness
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Is as fast as a speeding bullet
Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet
Would you believe a slow bullet
Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot

Initiative
Is stronger than a locomotive
Is stronger than a bull elephant
Is stronger than a bull
Shoots the bull
Smells like a bull

Adaptability
Walks on water consistently
Walks on water in emergencies
Washes with water
Drinks water
Passes water in emergencies

Communication
Talks with god
Talks with the angels
Talks to himself
Argues with himself
Loses arguments with himself
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 29, 2009, 06:58:54 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/oh-hello-there-dammit-melissa-stop-playing-with-the-xerox-an-demotivational-poster-1254057579.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/oh-hello-there-dammit-melissa-stop-playing-with-the-xerox-an-demotivational-poster-72104.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 29, 2009, 07:03:05 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/sex-addiction-sex-addiction-medication-drugs-my-sweetheart-demotivational-poster-1253314992.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/sex-addiction-sex-addiction-medication-drugs-my-sweetheart-demotivational-poster-71214.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on October 16, 2009, 08:42:48 AM
You know you are having a bad day when:

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. 
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. Everyone loves your driver's license picture, but you think it looks awful.
18. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: CallMeSasha on October 16, 2009, 11:36:09 AM
two goldfish in a tank

one says to the "are you sure you know how to drive this?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SunnyAK on October 16, 2009, 06:00:48 PM
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No...'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman this way, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,

'No, I Norvegian.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: remiel6 on October 16, 2009, 06:38:25 PM
 :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on October 16, 2009, 07:28:20 PM
SunnyAK, thank you for your implied tribute to Italian rattling 8) and communication skills :-\.
 :D ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on October 17, 2009, 02:53:12 AM
A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.”

Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on October 17, 2009, 04:34:13 PM
I have another Italian joke.
A group of young ladies are on a plane that is about to crash.
Also on the plane are a group of Italian tourists.
One of the ladies goes over to an attractive Italian man and says:
"I have never been with a man. Before I die, can you show me what it feels like to be a woman?" The man starts to unbutton his shirt. He removes his shirt and walks toward her, his muscles rippling as he walks. He throws the shirt at her and says: "Here, iron this shirt and make me some food."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on October 17, 2009, 06:28:57 PM
The man starts to unbutton his shirt. He removes his shirt and walks toward her, his muscles rippling as he walks. He throws the shirt at her and says: "Here, iron this shirt and make me some food."
He probably subscribed to the myth that an Italian man should be like Italian coffee - hot, strong and dark 8). Or was it the other way round :-\ ;D?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 18, 2009, 04:21:01 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/exception-life-time-photograph-colour-b-w-picture-camera-wed-demotivational-poster-1255885158.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/exception-life-time-photograph-colour-b-w-picture-camera-wed-demotivational-poster-74479.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 18, 2009, 04:22:40 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/dominance-life-time-joke-double-entendre-women-men-sex-peopl-demotivational-poster-1255884033.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/dominance-life-time-joke-double-entendre-women-men-sex-peopl-demotivational-poster-74475.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on October 24, 2009, 08:08:00 AM
A Husband's Computer Addiction
My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on October 30, 2009, 07:24:57 AM
1. Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa 2. Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa 3. Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. Santa 4. Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa 5. Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle Dear Michelle, It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa  List of Viruses
6. Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa 7. Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be amazing? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa 8. Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! Santa 9. Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house... Santa 10. Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE. Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa 11. Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 31, 2009, 12:35:29 AM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/oh-those-kids-shake-it-baby-demotivational-poster-1256926834.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/oh-those-kids-shake-it-baby-demotivational-poster-76040.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 31, 2009, 12:37:07 AM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/inflight-choices-flight-class-demotivational-poster-1256925361.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/inflight-choices-flight-class-demotivational-poster-76036.html)



(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/yoga-yoga-good-motivational-ronsart-demotivational-poster-1256939445.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/yoga-yoga-good-motivational-ronsart-demotivational-poster-76063.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 31, 2009, 12:40:27 AM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/the-perfect-dress-demotivational-poster-1256921088.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/the-perfect-dress-demotivational-poster-76023.html)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 07, 2009, 04:26:16 AM
I'm not really too concerned about Swine Flu. Here's my concern: Three years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease. Two years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu. Next year is the year of the Cock... Anybody else worried???
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2009, 05:08:16 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0911/servants-bush-pool-boy-leopard-demotivational-poster-1257978776.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/servants-bush-pool-boy-leopard-demotivational-poster-77688.html)


(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0911/i-hate-to-split-hairs-but-demotivational-poster-1257978777.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/i-hate-to-split-hairs-but-demotivational-poster-77687.html)




(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0901/the-little-black-dress-demotivational-poster-1232019670.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/the-little-black-dress-demotivational-poster-39945.html)



(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0901/ninja-upskirt-demotivational-poster-1232019314.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/ninja-upskirt-demotivational-poster-39942.html)




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Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on December 18, 2009, 07:03:00 PM
Note to self:  Try not to grow old...


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this Jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on December 20, 2009, 03:49:39 PM
It’s winter. All the birds have flown south to warmer climates. Except for one little fellow. Out partying and having a generally good time, he forgets about the weather.

A sudden snow storm hits. He starts to dash south but gets caught up in the storm and comes crashing down onto earth in the middle of a farm.

A cow comes by and takes a big dump on him. Well, the warm poop defrosts his wings and he is now happy and starts to sing.

A cat, hearing the bird singing, seeks him out, finds him in the pile of manure and promptly eats him.

Moral of this story?

Sometimes people who sh!t on you may not be your enemy.
Sometimes people who get you out of sh!t may not necessarily be your friend.
And if your warm and happy in your pile of sh!t, keep your freaking mouth shut!.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on December 23, 2009, 01:29:36 PM
My shortest joke:

Did you hear about Helena Rubenstein?

Max Factor.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2009, 12:49:44 AM
I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving
people of the world.

I told them to kiss my A$$ !!

Anybody who fits into my clothes ain't starving !
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on December 27, 2009, 08:41:27 AM
I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world.
Do you wear edible garments ;D?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on December 27, 2009, 01:16:27 PM
Regarding clothes for the starving. . ...

I felt a little bit bad later however. Come to
find out they were starving and homeless and
they needed something to make tents out of.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!! NY Greeting a la russe
Post by: Lily on December 30, 2009, 11:22:01 AM
May all bad things go away with the year that is (almost) over
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on December 31, 2009, 06:14:37 PM
Nice try Lily but I think you're stuck with them :) But I understand one GOOD thing will be leaving Russia soon ))))
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on January 16, 2010, 09:58:06 PM
The Power of a Badge......



A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field
over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear
pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the
rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the
DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The
officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs
to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Boethius on January 19, 2010, 06:45:08 PM
I'm not sure why this won't appear, so here' the link -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zG7LejcRm4
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on January 19, 2010, 06:50:08 PM
Boethius, your post is was a mess ;D.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/v/-zG7LejcRm4&hl=en_US&fs=1&[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Boethius on January 19, 2010, 06:50:43 PM
Fixed - youtube won't appear for me.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on January 21, 2010, 02:47:55 PM
When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex......she objects.
Impotence: nature's way of saying...."No hard feelings"
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once....but the holes in the dialer were too small.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
Question: What's an Australian kiss?
   Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
   Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
   Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.....many men still sleep with their wives!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on January 21, 2010, 04:22:56 PM
Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

LOL. Sorry JR.

The line reminded me of a time after concluding negotiation with a Construction Manager, who happens to have the driest sense of humor I have had an opportunity to listen to, we persuaded him to have lunch with us...

So when we all got inside the car we started to shoot around the breeze and the owner of our company asked him about his family. He very casually mentioned he's got 7 kids and one (8th) is on its way. That shocked the hell out of all of us because we knew him to be only 33 years old.

I said, "What?!? I thought you're only 33?!"
He said, "I am."
Me, "8 kids?!? What the heck?"
He matter-of-factly replied, "Welllllll, what can I say, you know..we wanted a small family too except my wife wasn't using her head!"

Maybe you had to be there but there was a precious few seconds that followed before everyone laughed in unison.

Pretty funny for me still...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on January 21, 2010, 05:39:59 PM
LOL, swallowing has it's benefits :)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on January 26, 2010, 12:41:05 PM
Teacher arrested at JFK Airport
A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as
he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor,
a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said.
"They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use 
secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
"unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on thearrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us
to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given
  us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a
more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on January 26, 2010, 03:56:30 PM
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on January 26, 2010, 03:58:44 PM
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past,looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

The koala looked down at him and said, 'Whoooooah, dude.... How much water did you drink!?'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on January 28, 2010, 09:58:59 PM
 MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has seven items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel....
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
 
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on February 01, 2010, 04:16:56 AM
http://bidstrup.ru/images/comicses/1204.gif Site with some interesting cartoons.
(http://bidstrup.ru/images/comicses/0602.gif)
 (http://bidstrup.ru/images/comicses/1204.gif)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on February 01, 2010, 05:06:48 PM
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even
though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he
rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt.

You just can't fix stupid.
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on February 01, 2010, 05:19:16 PM
We just changed insurance companies at work so I had to pick a new doctor.  And since I had not had a check up in a few years I decided to make an appointment.

When I finally got in to see the doctor I was amazed at how attractive she was.  She was absolutely beautiful.  After examining me for several minutes and writing a few things down she sat down her pad and said "You seem very healthy overall, but you will have to stop masterbating."

I replied "Ummm... I don't understand... why?"

She said "Because I am trying to examine you!"
Title: Time for some Humor - Tricks men can use to avoid shopping
Post by: Gator on February 05, 2010, 11:11:46 AM
Hate shopping with your wife as she browses for hours.  This is what one man did to amuse himself while she browsed.  It resulted in the store sending his wife the following letter:


Dear Mrs. Samuel,
   
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you
from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
   
   1.  June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
   
   2.  July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
   
   3.  July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
   
   4.  July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares.
        Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned  station and receive a reprimand from her
        Supervisor that in turn resulted with a  union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
        money.
   
   5.  August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
   
   6.  August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
   
   7.  August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them
        in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
   
   8.  August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't
        you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..
   
   9.  September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used  it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
   
   10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
         antidepressants were.
   
   11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
   
   12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look”  by using different sizes of funnels.
   
   13.. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
   
   14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and
         screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
   
   And last, but not least:
   
   15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
         'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
         One of the clerks passed out.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: threeships on February 05, 2010, 12:35:32 PM
The Pretzel Hold
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were facing off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the match, the Irishman trainer came to him and said, Don't forget, this Russian has never lost a match because of his pretzel hold. If he gets you in it, you're finished.

Immediately after the match began, the Russian got the Irishman in the devastating pretzel hold. The trainer couldn’t watch any longer, so he turned away. Suddenly, there was a scream, and cheers from the crowd. The trainer looked back to see the Irishman won the match.

The next day the trainer asked, How did you get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!

The Irishman answered Well, I looked up and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my all my strength I bit those babies just as hard as I could.

So! the trainer said, That's what finished him off!

No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on February 05, 2010, 04:44:20 PM


Global Facts . . .
At Any Given Moment: 

 


 
FACT:  79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now. 

 
 
FACT:  58,000,000 are kissing.

 
FACT:  37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

 
FACT:  1 old timer is reading emails.
   

  You hang in there, Sunshine . . 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: vwrw on February 14, 2010, 02:16:22 PM
A real man's confession  :D
Wouldn't he be compatible with most FSU women?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saCAKkm6f4I
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on February 28, 2010, 06:55:30 PM
President Obama meets with the Queen of England . He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips
you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her
intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be
me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back in the White House, President Obama asks to speak with the Vice
President Joe Biden. "Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father
have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is
it?"

"I'm not sure," says Joe. "Let me get back to you on that one." Joe goes
to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Joe
sees former President George Bush and took the opportunity to make him
look stupid.
Joe looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he whispers,
"George, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child
and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

George whispers back, "That's easy. It's me" Joe smiles and says
"Thanks!"
Joe goes back to the White house to speak with President Obama. "I have
the answer to that riddle. It's George Bush."
Obama gets up and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony
Blair!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on April 02, 2010, 12:42:58 PM
A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.

"He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on April 05, 2010, 05:45:18 PM
Our  Mexican Maid
Asked For a Pay
Increase
 
My wife was
very upset about this
and decided to talk to her about the raise.
 
  I found out
later the
conversation went like this:
 
She asked:
"Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase??"
 
Maria:
"Well, Seńora, there are
three reasons why I want an increase.
 
The first is
that I iron better
than you."

  Wife:
"Who said you iron better
than me?"
 
Maria:
"Your husband said so."
 
Wife:
 "Oh."
 
Maria:
"The second reason is that
I am a  better cook than you."
 
Wife:
"Nonsense, who said you
were a better cook than me?"

  Maria:
"Your husband  did."


Wife:
"Oh."
 
Maria:
"My third  reason is
that I am a better lover than you."

  Wife:
 (really furious now):
"Did my husband say that as well?"

  Maria:
"No Seńora...the gardener
did."

 
Wife:
"So how much do you
want?"

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 15, 2010, 04:02:17 PM
A cop knocked on my door and told me my dog
was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them to get
off my property, my dog has never owned a bike !
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on April 15, 2010, 04:03:33 PM
After their wedding reception a newly married couple went
to their hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" the desk clerk asked.
"Only one," the groom replied. "She's not into anal sex,"
------------

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.

The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me di*ck on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the foocking roof.
-------------

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it.

A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''

The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''

Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''

The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''

So a little boy in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.''

------------------

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

---------------------

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"

"Good.."

"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."

"Good..."

"Now can you take off my panties."

"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

----------------------------

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

--------------------------------

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

-----------------------------

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

-------------------

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"


------------------------

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on April 18, 2010, 03:36:27 PM
I've removed a post by Blablabla concerning JR ::) that had NOTHING AT ALL to do with this thread :(.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Markus on April 18, 2010, 04:51:59 PM
Dang Sandro, I missed what you removed.

If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many days does it take for a hen to lay a dozen eggs?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on April 18, 2010, 06:13:19 PM
Dang Sandro, I missed what you removed.
Don't fret, it's here anyway: http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=11415.msg226980#msg226980 ;). Possibly a double post in the wrong thread.
Quote
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many days does it take for a hen to lay a dozen eggs?
12? And a half :D?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on April 18, 2010, 06:19:03 PM
Don't fret, it's here anyway: http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=11415.msg226980#msg226980 ;). Possibly a double post in the wrong thread.12? And a half :D?


Mathematically you are correct.  But I think it depends on the rooster.

(I know this is not correct scientifically... but I had to say it metaphorically).  And to make fun of it and us roosters.  Hey, this is the humor thread right?   :P
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Markus on April 18, 2010, 07:20:29 PM
12.5 is very close. The question contains a 1 to 1 to 1 ratio. If the 1/2 part is removed, it's still a 1 to 1 to 1 ratio. The question was about 1 hen so it takes 12 days for 1 hen to lay a dozen eggs.The question was not about a hen and one half.

Consider 3 cowboys who are seated single file with blind folds over their eyes. There are 3 white hats and 2 black hats. One hat is placed upon the head of each cowboy and the blind folds are removed. The cowboy in the back can see the two cowboys in front of him and the cowboy in the middle can see the one cowboy in front of him. Without looking, they are asked what color of hat they are wearing. The remaining hats were put into a closet so they cannot see the remaining hats.

The cowboy in the back who can see the two cowboys in front of him says he does not know the color of his hat.
The cowboy in the middle who can see only the one cowboy in front of him says he doesn't know the color of his hat.
The cowboy in the front who cannot see the cowboys behind him says, I know what color of hat I am wearing.

What color is the hat of the cowboy in the front and how does he know the color of his hat?


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on April 18, 2010, 07:23:50 PM
White.

Or black.  It is still open at this point from what I can see, but it has been a long day.  ;).
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on April 18, 2010, 07:53:13 PM
What color is the hat of the cowboy in the front and how does he know the color of his hat?

The cowboy in front is wearing a white hat, unquestionably.

Cowboy in Back sees one of the following combos: black~white  OR white~black OR white~white,
and therefore can draw no sure conclusion about his own hat - and says "I don't know"...

Cowboy in Middle MUST see a white hat on Cowboy in Front based on his like answer of "I don't know"...if he were to
see a black hat on Cowboy in Front, Cowboy in Middle would KNOW that he himself was wearing a WHITE hat, based
on the only possible combinations that Cowboy in Back could observe in giving his own "I don't know" answer...

When Cowboy in Front hears two "I don't know"s from behind, he answers "I'm wearing White" with confidence. There
is no other possibility (unless someone behind him is fibbing...)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on April 18, 2010, 07:58:21 PM
The cowboy in front is wearing a white hat, unquestionably.

Cowboy in Back sees one of the following combos: black~white  OR white~black OR white~white,
and therefore can draw no sure conclusion about his own hat - and says "I don't know"...

Cowboy in Middle MUST see a white hat on Cowboy in Front based on his like answer of "I don't know"...if he were to
see a black hat on Cowboy in Front, Cowboy in Middle would KNOW that he himself was wearing a WHITE hat, based
on the only possible combinations that Cowboy in Back could observe in giving his own "I don't know" answer...

When Cowboy in Front hears two "I don't know"s from behind, he answers "I'm wearing White" with confidence. There
is no other possibility (unless someone behind him is fibbing...)

Yeah, it seems easy when you say it...   :P

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on April 18, 2010, 08:13:01 PM
A Western man is lost in a remote area miles outside of Ekaterinburg. In this remote area, there are
only two groups of people: liars and truthtellers.

He encounters two beautiful Russian women at a fork in the path. One path will lead him deeper
into wilderness, the other will lead him safely back to the city.

He is allowed to ask each woman one question. Which two questions could he ask to ensure he
selects the path back to Ekaterinburg?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on April 18, 2010, 08:24:36 PM
A Western man is lost in a remote area miles outside of Ekaterinburg. In this remote area, there are
only two groups of people: liars and truthtellers.

He encounters two beautiful Russian women at a fork in the path. One path will lead him deeper
into wilderness, the other will lead him safely back to the city.

He is allowed to ask each woman one question. Which two questions could he ask to ensure he
selects the path back to Ekaterinburg?

Question to first:  If I were to ask which was the safe path, would she (the other one) lie to me?

If the answer is no, then she is the liar.  I ask the second which is the safe path.

If the answer is yes, I ask the second the same question, and go the other way.

But then again... it is late and I am distracted.   ;D

And of course both could be telling the truth.. or not... I missed that at first.  I thought it was exclusive, but that was never said.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Markus on April 18, 2010, 08:25:27 PM
Vaugh was right on target. I think he googled it. It took me years to figure that one out on my own.

For the reply, I'll have to deal with that tomorrow as my mind is tired and coming down to everyone else's level.

Since Seeker has already seen this thread with modified approval, I will add one more before bed:

What goes up a chimney down but cannot go down a chimney up?

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on April 18, 2010, 08:51:54 PM
A Western man is lost in a remote area miles outside of Ekaterinburg. In this remote area, there are
only two groups of people: liars and truthtellers.

He encounters two beautiful Russian women at a fork in the path. One path will lead him deeper
into wilderness, the other will lead him safely back to the city.

He is allowed to ask each woman one question. Which two questions could he ask to ensure he
selects the path back to Ekaterinburg?

Assuming one is always truthful and one always lies...

I could pick up a large rock and ask number one "Will it hurt number two if I hit her with it?"

If the answer is no, I ask number two which is the way to go... and go that way.

If yes, I ask number two which way is the right way, and go the other.

There are a lot of ways to go with this...  :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on April 18, 2010, 09:11:25 PM
Vaugh was right on target. I think he googled it. It took me years to figure that one out on my own.

For the reply, I'll have to deal with that tomorrow as my mind is tired and coming down to everyone else's level.

Since Seeker has already seen this thread with modified approval, I will add one more before bed:

What goes up a chimney down but cannot go down a chimney up?



The classic answer is umbrella.  But to keep things clean, I will leave it at that.   :P
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on April 18, 2010, 09:24:05 PM
Assuming one is always truthful and one always lies...

I could pick up a large rock and ask number one "Will it hurt number two if I hit her with it?"

If the answer is no, I ask number two which is the way to go... and go that way.

If yes, I ask number two which way is the right way, and go the other.

An honest "Yes" by No. 1 doesn't guarantee No. 2 is a liar though.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on April 18, 2010, 09:33:13 PM
An honest "Yes" by No. 1 doesn't guarantee No. 2 is a liar though.

True, she might like being hit by a rock... damn this is hard.  No one told me there would be essay questions!   :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on April 21, 2010, 01:31:17 PM
Depending on the state of your sense of humor, I thought this (http://www.myfoxhouston.com/dpp/news/national/house-oks-birther-bill-4-19-20101271793528356) may well be the best place to post this.

It's pretty funny....or maybe not.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on April 22, 2010, 02:05:45 PM
LOL (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36716915/ns/politics/?gt1=43001)

Blago's situation just keeps getting really ridiculously comical.

" In court documents filed Thursday, the attorneys argue that President Obama could give important testimony about two prosecution witnesses. The first is a person identified only as "a labor union  official" who, the government has claimed, *was in contact with Obama about the Senate seat he vacated*. The second is Tony Rezko, the Chicago real estate developer who the defense lawyers call "President Obama's former friend, fund-raiser, and neighbor....The court documents note the *favorable deal Rezko gave the future president for his Chicago house, a deal which Obama later called a mistake.*"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on April 24, 2010, 05:38:14 AM
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean
View Restaurant, because the waiters there were good looking and had
buff bodies.

10 years later at 50-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the food there was very good and
the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they could eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later at 70-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the restaurant was wheel chair
accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on April 25, 2010, 09:18:17 AM
http://engrishfunny.com/
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on May 02, 2010, 09:47:22 PM
Introducing the 2011 Obamamobile-----


[Admin Note: Image removed from suspected attack site. Was triggering a Google malware warning]

It runs on hot air and bull manure.
It is a three wheeler but it [unfortunately] makes only left turns.
It comes complete with two TelePrompters so you can easily talk your way out of tickets.
  
It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!  
 
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: I/O on June 04, 2010, 06:59:54 AM
A rich man tips the waiter $5, the waiter enquires, Sir, your son was here yesterday and tipped me $50, why the difference? The rich man answers, simple, yesterday you were tipped by a rich mans son, today you've been tipped by a farmers son.
Title: Hind Lick Maneuver
Post by: OlgaH on July 14, 2010, 11:25:47 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xg7zwT2gQk[/youtube]
...
Title: Re: Hind Lick Maneuver
Post by: Seeker on July 14, 2010, 11:45:49 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xg7zwT2gQk[/youtube]
...

I knew I was doing it right!    :P
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on July 15, 2010, 01:07:14 PM
The year is 1947
 
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
 
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
 
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

 
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on July 17, 2010, 10:02:43 AM
For those of us raising kids, a fun watch:

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZa7hU6tP_s[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Faux Pas on July 17, 2010, 01:43:54 PM
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "you can stay but, don't start anything"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on July 17, 2010, 04:36:16 PM
For those of us raising kids, a fun watch:

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZa7hU6tP_s[/youtube]


Wow... now that brought back memories.  :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: sjg-uk on July 17, 2010, 09:03:44 PM
Thanks for making me smile this morning with this funny video - all Dads will understand it - but I'm not yet old enough for socks and sandles !
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on August 02, 2010, 12:15:27 PM
RUN-DMC straight from the Kremlin............

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoQb8vb4blA[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on August 13, 2010, 07:14:20 PM
The language is a little coarse, but very funny...

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on August 13, 2010, 10:09:01 PM
For those of us raising kids, a fun watch:

Man! How the heck did I miss this one? That's TFF!  :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Seeker on August 14, 2010, 03:36:01 PM
Okay... here is one I like....
Title: Re: Never Trust an Old Lady
Post by: OlgaH on August 19, 2010, 09:37:08 PM
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on August 24, 2010, 11:59:01 AM
Too funny but it's true in more ways than just a horse race....Classic!

Mywifeknowseverything! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4a-QNBt_aM) vs. Mywifedoesntknow. It was pretty close race, but the truth edged out the challenger by more than a lenght!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on October 18, 2010, 01:24:17 PM
SNL can sometimes crank up some pretty funny skits. This one (http://www.hulu.com/watch/180965/saturday-night-live-hair-restoration) is one of them, LOL.

There's a guy that sprung from the shower that look awfully familiar. Hhhmm, I can't remember where I saw his video... :P
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on December 03, 2010, 01:56:32 PM
Texas Declares War on the USA
 
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama " a heavily accented southern voice said.

"This is Archie, down here at the Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas ,

 I am callin' to tell yal that we are officially declaring war on ya!"   
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !   
How big is your army ?"   
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,

 my cousin Harold , my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart

 team from  Hooters. That makes eight!"   
Barack paused . "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in

my army waiting to move on my command."   
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war

 is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"   
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.   
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm

tractor."   
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks

 and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to

one and a half million since we last spoke."   
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."   
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama ,

the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We

up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in

the cockpit, and four
boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"   
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must

tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter

 planes.  My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,

surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"   
"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have at call you back."   
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am
sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."   
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change

 of heart?"   
 
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a

long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's

just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."
 
        TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN =

 

Support Our Troops
 
 


Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on December 23, 2010, 11:50:01 AM
Heard from an unknown comedian in Lewis Black's Surviving the Holidays' series now airing on the History Channel. This specific one is about American Thanksgiving Day Traditions....

"Now, why is it that someone feels they should overfeed us with Detroit Lions football debauchery on Thanksgiving Day? I mean, yes Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate the art of giving, but Detroit, of all places, have nothing left to give! They're tapped ut for the last 50 years. The Lions vs every other NFL team taking turns beating up on a city's team is about as sorry as the state of the city itself! Maybe Thanksgiving is that one day in the year where it's OK for a man to fall asleep in front of another man.

Seriously, stop feeding us Detroit Lions Football on Thanksgiving Day! That's not traditional. If they want 'Traditional', then they should schedule the Patriots to play the Redskins. This way every year we can watch the Patriots beat up on the Redskins and then watch them take over their stadium! Now that's American tradition!"

Ah yes, American Thanksgiving tradition! The only country in the modern world who finds it appropriate to the killing of millions of living things to commemorate their day of appreciation and giving!"


LOL.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gylden on January 30, 2011, 02:46:49 AM
http://www.digital-cake.net/watch/the-tale-about-a-stupid-husband

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: I/O on March 18, 2011, 07:29:21 PM
 :ROFL:[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOGcN8QioFs&feature=player_embedded [/youtube] :ROFL:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Lily on March 22, 2011, 12:52:46 PM

 Fun video in English about What is Russia (actually commercial, but such fun :) )

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOPuvTMndIs[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: TwoBitBandit on March 22, 2011, 11:17:11 PM
Я так сильно скучаю по России!!!!
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZvWSzTXf-4[/youtube]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Lily on April 13, 2011, 07:49:01 PM
(http://i031.radikal.ru/1104/da/a32846babc5c.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 31, 2011, 10:36:02 AM




Communication problem
[/size]
[/size]
[/size]It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.
[/size]



[/size]



[/size]He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.
[/size]



[/size]



[/size]Maria said, "Screw her."
[/size]



[/size]



[/size]Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake
[/size]
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on October 06, 2011, 04:11:00 AM
Obituary of the Pillsbury Dough Boy ... Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.
 
 The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
 
 Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions.
 
 Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.
 
 Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.   
Title: juvenile joke alert !!! juvenile joke alert !!! juvenile joke alert !!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 20, 2011, 04:18:20 AM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/lol.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BillyB on October 20, 2011, 09:31:48 AM
My fiancee refers to cats as pussy. I just came across this joke yesterday and couldn't stop laughing.
 
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on October 20, 2011, 04:51:21 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPpbHueNJ4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPpbHueNJ4)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Muzh on October 21, 2011, 09:01:27 AM
LMAO, that was really good.
Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 21, 2011, 09:37:21 PM
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/deja.jpg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: OlgaH on October 29, 2011, 04:49:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1wpwEnSQPo
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: GQBlues on November 07, 2011, 01:27:12 PM
One of my All-Time favorite classic re-runs has got to be the show called 'Taxi'. Thank goodness for YouTube, I still get to occassionaly watch some of the show's hilarious moments...Taxi showcased how a bunch of social misfits can actually get together and create a few laughs.
 
While it's said that two of the show's stars had since left this world, it's great they were able to make more than a few people laugh...even now.
 
This is one of the funniest skits on that show...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY0iouvBTwg&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY0iouvBTwg&feature=related)

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on November 08, 2011, 08:54:04 AM
I remember watching "Taxi" on TV. One of the funniest shows ever. A gut buster.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on November 10, 2011, 03:40:53 PM




  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3NMA0MyaA0&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3NMA0MyaA0&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on November 10, 2011, 04:18:56 PM
Gee TFCrew,
 
That piece of political satire is rather high brow.  The criticism of Obama was mild.  If you like such themes, check out the Capitol Steps, who usually hold no punches.  Thay have made many parodies of Obama such as receiving his peace prize just before deploying more troops to Afghanistan. 
 
My favorite by Capitol Steps:
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ)
 
 
Here's their parody of Putin when Russia invaded Georgia
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDi47fjRr3s&noredirect=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDi47fjRr3s&noredirect=1)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Muzh on November 11, 2011, 10:04:49 AM
Gator, they'll be playing live here in a couple of days.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 16, 2011, 05:51:32 PM
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your Aunt Betty, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.
Same guy calls in to work telling his boss he is sick. The boss says how sick are you?
He says I'm getting a BJ from my aunt Betty how sick is that?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on November 17, 2011, 08:02:20 AM
pretty funny!



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on November 17, 2011, 08:25:16 AM
Critical manual labor guy calls boss and says:  I'm not feeling very well so can't come to work today.

Boss:  Don't give up so easily.  When I am not feeling well I have sex with my wife and then I usually feel much better.  Why don't you try it?

Guy:  OK, if you say so.

Later at work.

Boss:  So see,  it worked; you feel much better now, right?

Guy:  Yes, thanks.  And you also have a very nice house.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on November 19, 2011, 01:04:57 PM
When you are used to e-mail and typing chat in English, people forget that sometimes English at first meeting can be like this clip....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAQMtv2ensk
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on November 19, 2011, 01:25:07 PM
In the never ending series "those racist Russians"  a view on the stereotypes of tourist crossing the border. Russians do not forget themselves...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91rE4tDNLFk
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: OlgaH on December 01, 2011, 10:58:23 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcbrjNYZ0_w
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: tfcrew on December 02, 2011, 09:18:48 AM
The next video after that...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=yBQyfchErDA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=yBQyfchErDA)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ghost of moon goddess on December 20, 2011, 04:44:33 AM
This music gives me goosebumps and has drug-like effect on me

Then I'd recommend small doses of Vivaldi for your withdrawal therapy ;D:

I've overdosed :-[   Doctor, the drugs you've prescribed are addictive   :D

Me no Doctor, be Patient, Sister ;D.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQSbKBTuQBc

I'd like to have an argument, please  :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on December 20, 2011, 07:26:26 AM
I'd like to have an argument, please  :)
No argument, but how about a bird or two ;D?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_u7VGiMO0U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!! Irreconcilible Differences
Post by: GQBlues on December 20, 2011, 06:17:58 PM
From an email...
 
A DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, CNN and Hollywood. 

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".
 
--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
 
Would you agree to this?
 
Sincerely,
John J. Wall, Law Student and a fellow American
 
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Hanoi Jane Fonda with you.
 
P.S.S. And you won't have to press '1' for the English language when you call our country.

 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!! Irreconcilible Differences
Post by: acctBill on December 20, 2011, 07:53:38 PM
From an email...
 
A DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, CNN and Hollywood. 

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".
 
--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
 
Would you agree to this?
 
Sincerely,
John J. Wall, Law Student and a fellow American
 
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Hanoi Jane Fonda with you.
 
P.S.S. And you won't have to press '1' for the English language when you call our country.

Does this mean that Mr. John J. Wall and his conservatives (I'm assuming that the other side in the divorce) will be enlisting to fight in any future wars?  In the case of Iraq and Afghanistan I never heard of the children of conservatives, CEOs and politicians signing up to fight.   
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!! Irreconcilible Differences
Post by: Muzh on December 21, 2011, 07:51:46 AM
Does this mean that Mr. John J. Wall and his conservatives (I'm assuming that the other side in the divorce) will be enlisting to fight in any future wars?  In the case of Iraq and Afghanistan I never heard of the children of (rich) conservatives, CEOs and politicians signing up to fight.

You are not hinting at hypocrisy at all, are you?   8)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ghost of moon goddess on December 21, 2011, 12:41:19 PM
No argument, but how about a bird or two ;D?

How about a parrot that bursts out laughing when RW&M start speaking in English?  :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJmAVreaWMk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJmAVreaWMk)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: OlgaH on January 15, 2012, 04:23:44 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbZG2BwJyZQ
Title: Russian National Fun
Post by: OlgaH on January 15, 2012, 05:09:06 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq0lmIDuC8s
Title: A guy goes shopping for a girl.
Post by: OlgaH on January 17, 2012, 11:00:18 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paYeXnftiiQ&feature=related
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on January 19, 2012, 07:53:38 AM
Partners help each other undress before sex.
 However after sex, they always dress on their own.
 Moral of the story:
 In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
 
= = = = = = =
 
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in
 the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

 The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
 
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

 The old man slowly looked at him and said,  'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea.'
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: OlgaH on January 21, 2012, 11:39:21 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS4KMUMfrFs&feature=share
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: JR on January 21, 2012, 06:20:56 PM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f**king wife."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on January 23, 2012, 02:29:58 PM
Любимая женская поза - женщина стоя и слегка наклонившись вперед, выбирает кольцо с бриллиантом... Мужчина сзади расстегивает бумажник.
[/size]
A woman's favorite position: she is standing up, slightly bending forward, choosing a diamond ring... a man is behind her unzipping his wallet.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on January 27, 2012, 11:04:27 AM
this is funny but you have to understand Russian slang: Прежде,чем назвать женщину ЗАЙКОЙ-подумай:хватит ли у тебя КАПУСТЫ!!! да и не подведет ли морковка?


 :P
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ghost of moon goddess on January 27, 2012, 12:15:45 PM
this is funny but you have to understand Russian slang: Прежде,чем назвать женщину ЗАЙКОЙ-подумай:хватит ли у тебя КАПУСТЫ!!! да и не подведет ли морковка?
 :P
:ROFL:

Hint: using the words bunny, cabbage and carrot make  a statement expressing a "true meaning".   ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on February 01, 2012, 08:40:27 PM
"Есть тёти как тёти,

есть дяди как дяди,

есть люди как люди

И бляди - как бляди...

Но в жизни порой по-другому бывает:

Есть дяди как тёти

и тёти как дяди...

Есть бляди, как люди

и люди - как бляди!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on February 01, 2012, 08:44:21 PM
Милые мужчины!Когда вы делаете своей даме куниллингус, не пытайтесь при этом смотреть ей в глаза! С её стороны вы выглядите как фашист, выглядывающий из окопа.
Title: Older men are more helpful
Post by: ML on February 18, 2012, 11:45:34 AM
An older man was in WalMart, pushing his shopping cart around, when he collided
with a young guy also pushing a cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. The older
man said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy said "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair,
green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts with a
 T-Shirt and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The older man said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most older men are helpful like that.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: TheTraveler on February 18, 2012, 05:03:57 PM
Hilarious, ML!  I gotta remember that one!
Title: Short bedtime story
Post by: ML on February 18, 2012, 07:39:24 PM
A short bedtime story



Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on February 20, 2012, 12:33:37 PM
   Green Shoes at the Masters


Whether you golf or not.


These are AWESOME shoes!    Nike now markets Green Shoes
First seen at the 2011 Masters Tournament
   Have you seen them?

Look below, but just at the shoes.



 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on February 20, 2012, 12:47:08 PM
   Green Shoes at the Masters


Whether you golf or not.


These are AWESOME shoes!    Nike now markets Green Shoes
First seen at the 2011 Masters Tournament
   Have you seen them?

Look below, but just at the shoes.


She was wearing shoes?
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on February 20, 2012, 02:21:44 PM
I didn't notice any shoes, but those are prescription shades she's wearing.  :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Hammer2722 on February 20, 2012, 03:17:22 PM
Yeah, I have to agree. Didn't notice the green shoes but I am liking what I see.  :clapping:
Title: Victoria's Secret ?
Post by: ML on February 29, 2012, 10:10:02 AM
Finally after years and years of
suspense . . .


The answer to the question everyone is
dying to know

What the HELL is  . . .  Victoria's Secret ?





Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on February 29, 2012, 06:14:29 PM
So it should be... Victorio's Secret :o :D?
Title: Who can best solve Engineering problems
Post by: ML on February 29, 2012, 08:05:59 PM
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty
boxes, without the tube inside.  People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with
timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect
100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be
controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality
assurance checks distributed across the line so that customers
all the way down to the supermarket don’t get irritated and buy
another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste
factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to
hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their in-house engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated,  third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time and on budget.

They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone would walk over and yank
the defective box out, and press a button  to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the results; and found them amazing! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s 8 million dollars well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

The reports showed that the precision scales were finding about 12 empty boxes a day for the first couple of days, but since then the scales found exactly zero empty boxes.  But yet there were no complaints about empty boxes from wholesalers, retailers or end customers.

Rather than ask his subordinates to investigate and explain this strange phenomenon, the CEO went down to the factory floor, and walked up to the part of the conveyor line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, he noticed there was a $10 desk fan, blowing empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the other guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over….. every time the bell rang”.

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 04, 2012, 06:20:42 AM
From the profile of a Ukrainian girl:


О себе:

Купила мелок от тараканов. Теперь в голове тихо и спокойно… Сидят, рисуют…)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on March 04, 2012, 10:51:26 AM
From the profile of a Ukrainian girl:


О себе:

Купила мелок от тараканов. Теперь в голове тихо и спокойно… Сидят, рисуют…)


This translates as, "About me,  I bought a pesticide chalk. Now in my head still and quiet ... sit, draw .. :) "
It sounds more profound than humorous.  In fact, I would want to talk to such a woman.   Obviously, I am missing something and would need an interpreter. 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on March 04, 2012, 11:03:23 AM
I just had my Gal  read this.  She says it does not make total sense, but  she  thinks it is a type of metaphor.

Her interpretation:  The girl bought  some chalk that might be used  to kill bugs.  She had some discomfort in  her head before, but now she is calm and imagines the bugs use the  chalk to draw pictures.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on March 04, 2012, 11:14:28 AM

Her interpretation:  The girl bought  some chalk that might be used  to kill bugs.  She had some discomfort in  her head before, but now she is calm and imagines the bugs use the  chalk to draw pictures.

Excellent, this may be the answer to the many palmetto bugs (cockroaches)  in Florida.   Two questions:  Where can I purchase pesticide chalk?  How do you entice a cockroach to draw pictures?   
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on March 04, 2012, 11:19:58 AM
Here is clip of Russian businessman making a joke about bugs (a cockroach) to an American client.  Maybe bug jokes don't translate well, and we can only assme them a metaphor. 
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq76v8o-tOg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq76v8o-tOg)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ghost of moon goddess on March 04, 2012, 12:55:13 PM
I just had my Gal  read this.  She says it does not make total sense, but  she  thinks it is a type of metaphor.

Her interpretation:  The girl bought  some chalk that might be used  to kill bugs.  She had some discomfort in  her head before, but now she is calm and imagines the bugs use the  chalk to draw pictures.

In fact, the girl had bats in her belfry (crazy ideas flying around in her head) - In Russian - иметь тараканов в голове -(idiom) She bought some chalk for the bats. Now they seem to enjoy drawing, this keeps them busy and they are not flying)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: OlgaH on March 04, 2012, 02:37:24 PM
From the profile of a Ukrainian girl:


О себе:

Купила мелок от тараканов. Теперь в голове тихо и спокойно… Сидят, рисуют…)


 :)

A joke about cockroaches drawing with insecticide chalk appeared in Russia with the first insecticide chalks made in China. In the girls case a scary thought would be what will happen when her cockroaches (that can not be killed even with insecticide chalk) get tired of drawing  ;D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ghost of moon goddess on March 05, 2012, 02:15:53 AM
(http://img12.nnm.ru/d/2/e/a/3/dcb45172d09aa9166661cbe8f46.gif)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 05, 2012, 07:52:52 AM
Телосложение:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 05, 2012, 08:22:11 AM
Берегите Родину -  oтдыхайте заграницей!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on March 05, 2012, 08:37:55 AM
Now I understand why I have not seen Chinese inseccticide chalk - it is illegal in the US.
Quote

Illegal Insecticide Chalk, also known as "Miraculous Chalk"         or
"Chinese Chalk." You may have seen the chalk in a neighborhood         store or
sold on the street for about $1 a box. It is mostly imported         illegally
from China and often bears a label in both English and Chinese.         
Sometimes, like on the label we show here, the manufacturer makes claims         
that the chalk is "harmless to human beings and animals" and         "safe to
use." These claims are untrue and dangerous. Because         insecticide chalk
looks just like regular chalk, children often take it         in their hands,
write with it and put it in their mouths. The active ingredient         in
Insecticide Chalk is a chemical called deltamethrin, which is one of         the
most toxic pesticides of its kind. Insecticide chalk should be avoided         
at all times.
Source:  http://www.epa.gov/pesticides/health/illegalproducts/chalk.htm (http://www.epa.gov/pesticides/health/illegalproducts/chalk.htm)
 
Actually, the active ingredient deltamethrin is legal in the US, and is found in some insecticide sprays used in my home and garden. 
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ghost of moon goddess on March 05, 2012, 08:50:29 AM
Если Вы хотите выйти замуж за умного, красивого и богатого, Вам придется выходить замуж три раза  ;D
Title: Re: Russian Election Result
Post by: GQBlues on March 05, 2012, 01:57:42 PM
http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/174/lwl.mp4 (http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/174/lwl.mp4)
 
(I can't embed a wmv file) Note: this author have no bias or opinion about this election process/result.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 05, 2012, 08:24:17 PM
this is cute:
Прежде чем назвать девушку " Зайкой ", подумайте, хватит ли у вас капусты и не подведет ли морковка.  : )
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 05, 2012, 08:26:01 PM
from the same woman's profile:


В сексе я люблю:
Title: Student "one-up's" professor
Post by: ML on March 06, 2012, 08:12:28 AM
Professor at Medical School is giving lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction.'

Realizing it is not  an exciting subject and that several students are looking sleepy, he decides to liven it it a bit.

He calls on gal in first row and asks:

"What is your a$$hole doing when you have an orgasm?"

She responds: "He is probably hunting deer with his buddies."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on March 07, 2012, 03:56:23 PM
A Redneck walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.3&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.1&zw)
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.9&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.2&zw)
Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.8&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.3&zw)
"Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.7&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.4&zw)
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.2&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.5&zw)
The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.6&zw)
The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.6&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.7&zw)

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.5&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.8&zw)
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.4&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.9&zw)
A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle!"
Title: Finally arrived
Post by: ML on March 15, 2012, 09:43:49 PM
What we have been waiting for finally arrived.

New sun-glass collection for Summer 2012

Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 16, 2012, 01:16:17 AM
from a RW's profile:
В сексе я люблю:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 16, 2012, 01:17:54 AM
О себе
Если у женщины искры в глазах - значит тараканы в ее голове что-то празднуют...
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: newjason on March 16, 2012, 01:22:22 AM
Если Вы хотите выйти замуж за умного, красивого и богатого, Вам придется выходить замуж три раза  ;D

LOL верно, верно и истинно    :P
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: newjason on March 16, 2012, 01:25:38 AM
Army Knives
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: newjason on March 16, 2012, 01:44:23 AM
There once was a family of poor folks who lived far far away from the city. As such they did not know much about city living and about advancements in technology but had heard a story from a local who told wild stories about the city.
One day, Papa , son and daughter decide to make a trip into the city and were amazed with all the tall buildings and the amount of people milling about.

They were resting on a bench across the street from a Shop with a Giant revolving glass door.  Papa watched as an old woman slowly walked up to  and through the  revolving door.
As the door continued moving around,  a Hot sexy 22 year old Russian woman dressed in high heels and a mini skirt emerges from the door.  Papa's Mouth dropped open in disbelief... and he said
"kids, quick,  run home and get your mother!"



 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on March 18, 2012, 12:20:54 PM
TALENTED YOUNG SALESMAN
 
 A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.
 
 The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
 
 The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ...'
 
 Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
 
 His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
 
 After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'
 
 The kid says, 'One.'
 
 The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
 
 The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
 
 The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
 
 The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook . Then I sold him a larger fishhook . Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'
 
 The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'
 
 The kid said:

'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his gal, and I said,

'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 18, 2012, 12:31:30 PM
good one, ML!  :D
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on March 19, 2012, 04:10:14 PM
Why am I so tired???
 
 For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason.
 
 I'm tired because I'm overworked.
 
 Here's why:
 
 The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!]
 
 9 million are retired.
 
 That leaves 11 million to do the work.
 
 There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
 
 Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work.
 
 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with finding Osama bin Laden
 
 Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.
 
 Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work.
 
 At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work.
 
 Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
 
 You and me.
 
 And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes.
 
 Nice, real nice.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ghost of moon goddess on March 20, 2012, 11:55:18 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObV8yvWEiBw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObV8yvWEiBw)
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: The Natural on March 20, 2012, 12:29:02 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ)
 
 
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on March 23, 2012, 09:47:34 AM
Two older men sitting on park bench:



"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 80 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand."       


"So, what's your point?"


"Well, I'm just wondering
how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ML on March 23, 2012, 09:56:13 AM
Natural . . . great video re the Medieval helpdesk !!!
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: The Natural on March 23, 2012, 11:24:09 AM
Natural . . . great video re the Medieval helpdesk !!!

Yeah, it's genious and has attracted some international attention and copy. By the way, these two guys I saw on a TV series yesterday. They were driving through Kazakstan. I didnt see all of it as I was at work, but they interviewed a retired speed skater from Alma Aty and showed guys surrounding their truck as they attempted to repair it and also when they put it into a local garage for repairs. Pretty OT for this site I guess, haha.
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Eduard on March 26, 2012, 07:17:03 AM
I found this woman's profile a bit funny :))) I just imagined seeing an ad like this in real estate section on CL :))



 Я ищу:Парня   Кого я хочу найти:Продаю участок 8 соток на Алтае, не далеко от озеро Ая цена 500000; или меняю на авто, жилье.
 (Я только участок продаю, поэтому - Убедительная просьба: Секс не прелагать! куни - не предлагать!!!) Я Знакомлюсь:Без пары
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: newjason on March 30, 2012, 12:27:15 AM
A Man is in his house, home from a long day at work, when in strolls his son.
His son is kind of bouncing up and down, in a very very good mood, and kind of out of breath..
With a huge smile on his face :D

The father out of curuiusity asks why the son is in such good spirits?
The son replies: ohh  Dad, oh  wow,  dad, I JUST HAD SEX!!   :o

The father smiles, and says, that's great son!  So , you like that eh?  ;D


Son says: Ohh Yeaahh, and I am going to do it again, really soon, As soon as my Ass stops hurting...

 :devil:
Title: Re: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: newjason on March 30, 2012, 12:51:02 AM
An Elderly Woman, a grand mother of 3 mature grand sons, is celebrating her 98th Bithday.
It is a big party and Each of her grandsons had prepared a very special gift for his grandmother
on her 98th birthday.

The first grandson, The Oldest, Presents her with the keys to a new
Condo on the beach, complete ready for her to move in. 
The second Grandson, Stood up, and presented
his granny with the keys to a brand new Red corvette convertable sports car.
The youngest Grandson
not wanting to be outdone by his older brothers had searched far and wide, across the globe for a gift
that no one else could possiblly find, when he encounterd a Man with a Talkiing Parrot,
the man explained, This is no ordianry talking parrot. This parrot can recite over 20 different passages from the BIBLE.
The grandson was so impressed he paied an obscene amount of money to get this Bird for his beloved grandmother.
So he presented it to her with with a proud demeanor, knowing that his brothers gifts were no way
even close to this talking parrot, who recites passages from the BIBLE!

 :popcorn:

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