Print Page - Time for some Humor!!

RWD Discussion Groups => Odds and Ends => Topic started by: Rvrwind on May 01, 2007, 02:37:09 AM

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 01, 2007, 02:37:09 AM

Just a little humor to lighen things up around here!!! ;D ;D

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......>
Pass this onTo Someone To
Make Them Smile.
Its Called ........therapy

HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man,and then explainsthat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well,we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man."I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims theManager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies."She was here and you could have." :)

Hope that puts a smile on yer face today!!! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: I/O on May 01, 2007, 02:51:05 AM

Generous fellow the hotel patron. ;D

I/O

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Daveman on May 01, 2007, 07:35:46 AM

Rvrwind - Excellent thread... and completely In Accordance With The Prophecy.. (man I love that one)

Got the mosquito net up and the hair dryer ready for lunch.. Already changed coffee to espresso - gotta kill my own addiction there (but afraid I'd sleep for a week, or be in jail in short order).

Anybody got this guy's number in Boston? :P

Dave

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 03, 2007, 11:07:50 PM

I felt compelled to share with you the meaning of love & compasion!!! ;D

As I walked down the busy sidewalk,
knowing I was late for an important interview,
my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate,
homeless vagabonds that are found in every
city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags,
carrying every worldly possession in two plastic
bags, my heart was touched by this persons
condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly
looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School
admonition to "care for the sick, feed the
hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved
by some powerful inner urge to reach out to
this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw
a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,

"Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

Scroll to next post!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 03, 2007, 11:15:58 PM

I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.

It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: El Rock on May 03, 2007, 11:30:30 PM

Who is Jack Schitt ??

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: steerman on May 04, 2007, 09:24:28 AM

OH so true!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: steerman on May 04, 2007, 09:26:29 AM

Good Laugh

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: WmGO on May 04, 2007, 09:52:25 AM

Rverwind,

funny! Now I know where Daveman got that "in Accordance with the Prophecy" line ;D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:02:58 AM

Some radio guy was fired from talking about these

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:04:24 AM

a thousand and one uses

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:11:02 AM

I usually don't make political comments on this board but........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:13:11 AM

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better." I have a 22-year old Russian bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang," and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:16:04 AM

All humor has an element of truth or its not funny.

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:28:05 AM

I had a buddy make a bunch of business cards to put on poorly parked cars.

It said

"I hope you don't F*CK like you park because you will never get it in."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:31:38 AM

A postal worker came across a letter addressed to God, he opened it and it read;

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two
of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy
food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.

It read......
Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
bastards at the Post Office.
Edna

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 04, 2007, 11:52:38 AM

Subject: HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FORGIVEN YOUR ENEMIES?

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked.
"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said,
"I outlived the bytches."

A young guy from NY moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in NY."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold Him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down To the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he Said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him Down to the Automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you Sold him A BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his Wife, And I Said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing." ;D ;D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 11:55:04 AM

I WAS IN A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE LOOKING AT ME FOR SOME TIME AND THEN SAID HELLO.

I WAS RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE I CAN'T PLACE WHERE I KNOW HER FROM, SO I ASKED "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW I THINK BACK TO THE ONLY TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO MY WIFE AND SAID "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM THE BACHELOR PARTY THAT I F*CKED ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY @$$?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 12:24:58 PM

One night in Kiev a drunk men is stopped by a cop while walking (obviously drunk) down the street. The cop stops him Where are you going?

In a slightly slurred voice he says "I'm going to listen to a lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism."
"At night? And who will give this lecture?" asks the cop.

"My wife and mother-in-law will!" He replied.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bluebell on May 04, 2007, 01:42:30 PM

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree
temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Simoni on May 04, 2007, 02:59:04 PM

nice jokes, 2tall! and blue, too :-)

My wife died laughing, and so did I. But she had to 'splain to me the one about the school teacher :-) LOL

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on May 04, 2007, 04:35:24 PM

An old couple are sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch, quietly enjoying the warm weather and their own thoughts. Suddenly the old woman reaches over and gives her husband a smack to the side of his head, sending him and his rocking chair flying to the ground below the porch. He slowly gets up, shakes his head a few times to clear it and says." Edna, why did you go and do that?"

She reples, "That was for being such a terrible lover all these years."

The old man pulls himself and his chair back up on the porch and resumes his rocking and his thoughts. Suddenly, he returns the favor, reaching over and smacking his wife on the side of the head. It was her turn to go sprawling onto the lawn. She gets up, looks at her husband quizzically and says, "Bert, what was that for?"

He replied, "That's for knowing the difference!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on May 04, 2007, 04:41:44 PM

An AM has finally reached his goal and married a wonderful Russian woman. After the wedding they go their honeymoon hotel room. The AM goes into the bathroom to change clothes and when he comes out he tosses his pants to his wife and says, "Here, put these on." She replies, "But Doragaya, I can't wear your pants!" So he says, "That's right, and as long as you understand that, we'll get along just fine."

Now it's her turn to go shower and change for the night. When she emerges from the bathroom, she tosses her husband her panties and says, "Here, put these on." He replies, " But Dear, I can't possibly get into your panties!"

She responds, " That's right, and you won't unless you change your attitude!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 09:04:54 PM

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.
At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger........

CLICK!..........empty chamber

He hands the revolver to his African guest, and Say's
"your turn comrade".
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual......

CLICK!...........empty chamber

The next year, the Russian visits the African country.
At the very end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year revising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reapear a few minutes later smiling, says "your turn".

The African escorts the Russian through the door.
In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.

The Russian is absolutely dumbfounded, "what kind of test of courage is this?!"

The African calmly answers ..........

" one of them is a cannibal".

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 04, 2007, 09:12:30 PM

A Russian and an American die and they both go to heck. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?"
"What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American heck, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian heck you will be required to eat two buckets of waste," Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American heck. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian heck.

One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks.
"Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?"
"It couldn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: El Rock on May 04, 2007, 11:01:02 PM

What does dog poop and women have in common ????

The older they are , the easier they are to pick up !!

Come on , it's just a joke

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 05, 2007, 07:18:02 AM

Quote from: El Rock on May 04, 2007, 11:01:02 PM

What does dog poop and women have in common ????

The older they are , the easier they are to pick up !!

Come on , it's just a joke

Rock, don't worry this is a humor thread.

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 05, 2007, 07:20:42 AM

This was posted in another forum but I copied it here

One afternoon a six years old girl returned from school and announced to her mother

that her fried had just told her where babies came from.

Her mother thought this might be a teaching moment, so she said: "Really sweetie.

why don't you tell me exactly what she told you?"

The little girl began her explanation . "well...okay...It's Like this.

The mommy and the daddy take all their clothes off, and the daddy's penis

sort of stand up , and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and the sot of explodes and

squirts,.... and that's how we get babies."

Her mother shook her head, learned over to meet her daughter's eyes,

Kissed her on the forehead and said: "Oh no honey, that's sweet , but your friend is wrong

That's not how you get babies ......... that's how you get jewelry"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 21, 2007, 04:33:51 PM

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the Value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may Choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, And
are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just
across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and can cook too.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 21, 2007, 04:38:22 PM

Sorry about the F word

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mir on May 21, 2007, 04:49:33 PM

A man comes out of a pub and is walking down the road, obviously drunk. He is holding car keys in his right hand. A policeman stops him; 'Sir can I help you?' Man: 'Officer I can't find my car, they stole my car' Officer: 'Where did you last see it?' Man holds up the keys: 'Well at the end of this' Now the officer notices that the drunk's fly is open. Officer: 'Sir, do you know that you are exposing yourself?' The man looks down and cries: 'Damn it officer, they got my girlfriend as well'

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mir on May 21, 2007, 04:55:31 PM

A man walks into a bar and says: 'Give me six double vodkas' The bartender asks : 'Looks like you had a rough day, want to share it?' The man says:'Well I just found out that my elder brother is gay' Next night he comes in again and demands six double vodkas,when asked he replies:'God, I just found out that my younger brother is also gay' The following night he is back, asks for six double vodkas. The barman says: 'Hey doesn't anyone in your family like women?' The man replies:'Yes, my wife'

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 23, 2007, 01:31:16 AM

A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a drink... the bartender tossed him out saying "we don't serve string here"

Outside, the string is all indignant so he unravels himself a bit and loops into a half-hitch, then goes back inside and orders the drink.

Bartender says "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"

String says "I'm a frayed knot!" :cluebat:

... The mayor of Phoenix had a big problem. The city was overrun with pigeons. They were everywhere, messing all over the sidewalk and even leaving their droppings on peoples heads. Something had to be done, but he had no idea what to do.

One day a strange man arrived in city hall and told the mayor "I can rid you city of the pigeons" The mayor asked what the fee would be and the man said " I will do this at no charge provided you don't ask me any questions. Otherwise the fee is $5 million.

The mayor agreed, and the man set to work. He went up on the roof of city hall and opened his jacket, taking out a blue pigeon. He released the blue pigeon to the sky and suddenly all of the other pigeons in the city followed the blue pigeon as he flew southward out of town. Two days later the blue pigeon returned to the strange man, and by then all of the pigeons in Phoenix had disappeared.

The mayor was amazed! He went up to the man and presented him a check for $5 million with the explanation that he had to ask the strange man just one question. The man took the check and agreed to the request.

The mayor asked the strange man....

....
......

....... By any chance do you have a blue Mexican?

That's all folks!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on May 23, 2007, 05:02:20 AM

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop Using so
much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million
less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops
home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant
crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to
Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the
military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his
tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He
will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will
probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq
and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to
serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem
solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to
your friends.

I just did.
George Carlin

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 23, 2007, 11:35:03 AM

An Italian, a Jew and an Irishman walk into a bar...

... Bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Definition of Heaven:

An American salary
A Russian wife
An English house
Chinese food.

Defintion of Hell:

A Russian salary
An American wife
A Chinese house
English food!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on May 23, 2007, 04:56:34 PM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuzzy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on May 24, 2007, 12:50:37 AM

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOM. Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determine just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had thought it was a golf term. :)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 24, 2007, 03:22:00 AM

Well for your information SHIT is a highly technical golf term!

Here are some real facts
shit (v.)
O.E. scitan, from P.Gmc. *skit-, from PIE *skheid- "split, divide, separate." Related to shed (v.) on the notion of "separation" from the body (cf. L. excrementum, from excernere "to separate"). It is thus a cousin to science and conscience. The noun is O.E. scitte "purging;" sense of "excrement" dates from 1585, from the verb. Despite what you read in an e-mail, "shit" is not an acronym. The notion that it is a recent word may be because the word was taboo from c.1600 and rarely appeared in print (neither Shakespeare not the KJV has it), and even in "vulgar" publications of the late 18c. it is disguised by dashes. It drew the wrath of censors as late as 1922 ("Ulysses" and "The Enormous Room"), scandalized magazine subscribers in 1957 (a Hemingway story in "Atlantic Monthly") and was omitted from some dictionaries as recently as 1970 ("Webster's New World"). Extensive slang usage; verb meaning "to lie, to tease" is from 1934; that of "to disrespect" is from 1903. Noun use for "obnoxious person" is since at least 1508; meaning "misfortune, trouble" is attested from 1937. Shat is a humorous past tense form, not etymological, first recorded 18c. Shite, now a jocular or slightly euphemistic variant, formerly a dialectal variant, reflects the vowel in the O.E. verb (cf. Ger. scheissen). Shit-faced "drunk" is 1960s student slang; shit list is from 1942. To not give a shit "not care" is from 1922; up shit creek "in trouble" is from 1937. Scared shitless first recorded 1936.
Source: Etymology Dictionary

Sorry next post will be a joke

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 25, 2007, 12:00:22 AM

Soon after a WM married his beautiful Russian bride his Mother stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Russian daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for LyubImaya moyA (my sweetheart) to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My darling loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 25, 2007, 02:50:36 AM

A man gets married and all is well with the new couple for a few weeks... but then one night the man is missing his old friends down at the bar he used to hang out in so he tells his new wife that he wants to go have a drink with his old buddies.

The wife smiles and cheerfully leads him to the basement where he is surprised to see that a fully-stocked bar has been installed. "Look" she says "Now you can have a drink anytime you want". The man looks at her and says "This is great honey, but at the bar they have all kinds of little snacks"...

...The wife, still smiling leads him upstairs to the kitchen where she pulls out a huge plate of chicken wings, spring rolls, peanuts and other assorted bar food. "Look", she says..."Here are all the snacks you want, just for you"....

... The man is pleased, but still wants to go out so he says "But sweetie, at the bar they have sports on the TV and I can enjoy a good cigar" The wife, continuing to smile shows him the brand-new 72-inch plasma TV she bought and presents him with a box of Cuban cigars. "Look, Now you can have anything you want right at home" she sweetly coos...

The man, who is desparate now because he really wants to go out says "But honey... at the bar there is cursing"

The wife says "Look" SIT THE F*CK DOWN, DRINK YOUR G*DDAMN DRINK, EAT THESE MOTHERF*CKIN SNACKS, WATCH YOUR BULLSH*T SPORTS AND SMOKE YOUR F*CKING CIGAR. YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE BAR.... GET IT?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 25, 2007, 05:16:53 PM

Yeah he should have said he missed his mates

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 25, 2007, 09:42:46 PM

.... Always remember, 47.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 26, 2007, 10:37:27 PM

A tall handsome man is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The cute woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Lily on May 27, 2007, 12:25:18 AM

May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Kuna on May 27, 2007, 01:26:39 AM

Quote from: Lily on May 27, 2007, 12:25:18 AM

May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???

He's interested! ;)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 27, 2007, 05:45:49 AM

Quote from: Kuna on May 27, 2007, 01:26:39 AM

He's interested! ;)

Yes, he is interested

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on May 27, 2007, 06:37:00 AM

Not only is he interested, he also has a goal and the objective is in sight. :cluebat:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on May 27, 2007, 01:14:32 PM

Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on May 27, 2007, 05:25:22 PM

Quote

Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...

INTEREST:

Quote

c.1425, earlier interesse (c.1374), from Anglo-Fr. interesse "what one has a legal concern in," from M.L. interesse "compensation for loss," from L. interresse "to concern, make a difference, be of importance," lit. "to be between," from inter- "between" + esse "to be." Form influenced 15c. by O.Fr. interest "damage," from L. interest "it is of importance, it makes a difference," third pers. sing. present of interresse..." Meaning "curiosity" is first attested 1771. Interesting meant "important" (1711); later "of interest" (1768).

(http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=INTEREST&searchmode=none)

Etymologically, then he wants to be between (sentence object(s) deliberately unspecified);D.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on May 30, 2007, 11:29:02 AM

Memorial Day Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning
Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in
the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the
9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 01, 2007, 04:21:32 PM

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of sh!t.

However, we do *not* run that risk when drinking wine (or vodka,rum,whiskey, beer
or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Sh!t
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh!t.

PS, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and nobody hears him is he still a bad dog???

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 06, 2007, 04:52:43 PM

My exwife had a job parking cars for only one day.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 06, 2007, 05:03:17 PM

Dear Abby,
I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby sitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.

Sincerely,
Tough Love Grandma

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on June 07, 2007, 09:50:09 PM

As told by Buddy Hackett on the Tonight Show years ago:

Johnny, in the fifties I got drafted. Just before I had to report
the Rabbi came by for a quick visit. "Buddy, I'll warn you now
about Fort Dix - they serve loads of pork in the mess hall and
I want you to avoid it." It wasn't long before Buddy was trying
out the hot dogs, the chops, the loin. "I loved all of it,
Johnny, I was eating pork three times a day. And when I got my orders
for Europe, I returned to NYC and treated myself to a grand dinner at
Luchow's, the famous German restaurant. I wanted all of it in
one sitting - pig's feet, chops, loin, ribs - so I ordered the roast
suckling pig. After 30 minutes, here it comes: laid out beautifully
on a large silver platter, with an apple in its mouth - when, into
the dining room walks the Rabbi.

With a disapproving glare he asks, "Buddy, what are you doing?
I thought I warned you about the perils of eating pork!"

Hackett explained, "Rabbi, I ordered the Baked Apple! - wouldja
just look at all the trouble they went to?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on June 07, 2007, 10:12:26 PM

Groucho Marx was interviewing a tall blonde woman with a German
accent on his You Bet Your Life show. Her name was Helga.

"So, tell me, Helga, are you married?"

"Oh yes, Groucho, very happily!"

"Do you and your husband have any children?"

"Oh yes, we have ten."

"TEN? Why so many?"

"I love my husband!"

"I love my cigar, lady, but I take it out every once in a while!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 10, 2007, 06:03:46 PM

Stress management

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 10, 2007, 06:28:12 PM

Slinky

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on June 10, 2007, 11:12:00 PM

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
A Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f**k her again."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: aikorob on June 11, 2007, 10:28:11 AM

TFF Bill!

I've been dealing with engineering types all morning :exploding:---now I am dreaming of that stream!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on June 13, 2007, 06:38:14 PM

This kid is amazing. He seems to have written his own material.

If you love Bush and can take a joke, you'll love this. If you hate Bush, you'll love this. If you love Bush but can't take a joke....don't even think about opening this.

http://www.jibjab.com/view/125614

If you have never neen to Jibjab before, be prepared to spend some time there.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on June 14, 2007, 01:01:16 AM

TFF Gator. I haven't seen a dead-on impression like that since Joe Piscopo did Frank Sinatra.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on June 15, 2007, 12:16:25 PM

JOKES FROM THE SOVIET UNION: (RIP)

1.IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN A FROG........................Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918

.2.American style of risk: Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France: Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style: Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway

3. Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?

4. Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

5. Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in ****, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

6. A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.

7. "Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"

8. A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."

9. What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

10. When was the first Russian election held?
-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."

11.Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

12. Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

13. Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

14. Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

15. Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.

16. A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 15, 2007, 03:31:04 PM

Gator posted this survey and I copied it and pasted it here.

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.

* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.

* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turkey on June 16, 2007, 06:46:25 AM

Rvrwind, here's another one.

Gorbachev reportedly tells this story:

"This guy," he says, "was standing in line for 10 hours to buy vodka, and finally decided to go to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev. The next day, the guy was back in the vodka line: 'It didn't work,' he tells the others. 'The line to the Kremlin is even longer.'"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turkey on June 16, 2007, 06:51:09 AM

More jokes from : http://www.cla.wayne.edu/polisci/kdk/stuff/jokes.htm

:"These jokes were collected in the winter and spring of 1991 by students of at the Vysoka škola strojni a elektroteknicka (VŠSE) v Plzni, now the University of West Bohemia, Plzeň, Czech Republic. Any errors of translation or interpretation are my own."

There are a bunch of them.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 17, 2007, 02:54:06 AM

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told
me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all
of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
dolls."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Sohkay on June 17, 2007, 05:54:30 AM

True story...The last time I went to see my dentist, I said to him, "You must really like George Bush."

He said, "Why's that?"

I responded, "Because...finally there's someone less popular than a dentist."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on June 17, 2007, 08:52:30 AM

Turkey,

The Czech jokes about socialism are hilarious. Although some are old, many are new to me.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Phil dAmore on June 18, 2007, 12:33:23 AM

All right men... let's take another quiz.

Guy Test

Note: Although this is a test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.
Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men, and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for family business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the paper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may… How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his " still useable " underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turkey on June 18, 2007, 03:37:01 PM

Two funny pieces from www.theonion.com

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38517

http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/russia_engages_in_saber

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 22, 2007, 11:09:33 AM

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The I-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on June 22, 2007, 02:44:15 PM

Bill, does it come with optional woofers? Now I'm waiting for the next big announcement of the new "boom box" :ROFL:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on June 22, 2007, 05:47:35 PM

Scott, witty. Is it still referred to as "box"? I think I heard that term first from my father when I was a boy.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on June 24, 2007, 10:20:17 AM

One of my senior surveyors was breaking in a new Rodman/Helper on a job some years ago. He was a little amazed that the company had assigned a woman new hire to the job but thought if she was a good worker he could deal with it. After surveying in a point he needed to drive a stake into the ground to mark the spot precisely, at which time he realised he didn't have the hammer with him. He signaled the new helper with the usual hand signals; he pointed to his eye, then pointed to his knee, and finally made a hammering motion with his hand... The translation of this is "I kneed the hammer"... After a few seconds of thought the new lady helper replied by pointing to her eye, then very seductively massaged her breast for a moment and the grabbed herself in the crotch. The surveyor was totally mystified by this and decided he'd have to walk the quarter mile back the line to find out what that was all about. Upon reaching her he asked what the hell she was doing,,, she explained it this way... I was trying to tell you that "I left-tit in the box".

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on June 25, 2007, 12:46:18 PM

Is this true? Is it current? My apology if it is old.

Gates vs. GM
>
>
>At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
>computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
>
>"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
>all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
>
>
>In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>stating:
>
>If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
>with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
>
>1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
>Twice a day.
>
>2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
>new car.
>
>3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
>have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
>the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
>some reason you would simply accept this.
>
>4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
>car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
>reinstall the engine.
>
>5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
>five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
>percent of the roads.
>
>6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
>replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
>light.
>
>7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
>8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock yo u out and
>refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
>turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
>9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
>to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
>same manner as the old car.
>
>10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: KenC on June 25, 2007, 12:49:25 PM

Gator,
Seen that before, but it is still funny!
KenC

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 26, 2007, 04:09:49 PM

Blonde guy joke for a change..........

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 09:02:22 AM

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly .... he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold. "

" I have a better idea, " she replied " Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "

" Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

" Good, " she replied .. " Get your own f...ing blanket. "

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted. !

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 07:12:46 PM

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she
asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,' Said the madam.

'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -
too expensive, and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive
night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, 'South Carolina.'

'Really' she said. 'I have family in South Carolina.'

'I know,' the man said 'Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 08:39:33 PM

Happy Hour In Texas

I was driving down a back road in Texas . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...

Lobster Tail and Beer

and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: SANDRO43 on June 27, 2007, 09:38:18 PM

Quote from: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 08:39:33 PM

Lobster Tail and Beer and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!

Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 11:18:17 PM

Quote from: SANDRO43 on June 27, 2007, 09:38:18 PM

Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.

You crack me up LOLOLOL

Take care,

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 27, 2007, 11:21:49 PM

The new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Yuri stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Yuri?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on June 28, 2007, 02:24:33 PM

Little Yuri watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on

her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing

the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Yuri. "Giving up?"

***********************

Little Yuri attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Yuri asked, "Pappa, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Yuri, looking worried, said, "Pappa, I think the Neighbor guy wants to buy
Momma."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 03, 2007, 04:50:20 PM

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die." she replied

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: batman on July 04, 2007, 08:47:55 AM

Little Johnny Joke:
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of
her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was. He replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her ." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:31:54 PM

random stuff

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:36:25 PM

Confucious SAY!!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:37:06 PM

understanding wife

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 06:52:32 PM

A RUSSIAN AND BO, A DUMBASS WRESTLER FROM THIBODAUX, LOUISIANA
WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.

BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, BOUDREAUX'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN.

HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED". BOUDREAUX NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

AS THE MATCH STARTED, BO THE DumbASS AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING BOUDREAUX AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.

A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST.

HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR.

HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND BOUDREAUX COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "BO HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE?!"

THEN BO ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE, SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."

SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF?"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 06, 2007, 07:00:10 PM

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time,but . ."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 06, 2007, 07:36:04 PM

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on July 07, 2007, 02:46:24 AM

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 08, 2007, 06:28:46 PM

You guys are Priceless.....

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on July 09, 2007, 02:04:01 AM

As long as your smilin' Mamma D & not wielding the rolling pin, I am a happy camper!! :blowkiss:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 09, 2007, 07:48:26 PM

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: MaxxumUSA on July 10, 2007, 02:50:41 AM

Ok all...

This is not a joke. This is a true story - and happened to me.

It was 1995 or so. I was 27 years old. At the time I was toward the end of my first marriage. We were fighting often.

I had long hair because my AW liked me with long hair. But I was prior military and didn't care either way. So we got in a fight and I decided I would cut my hair short - military style, just to piss her off.

Living in upstate, NY we had an old Italian barber who cut 60% of everyone's hair in our little town. He had 3 other barbers working there - all old Italian men. I sit in the chair on the end with my long hair - and tell the barber I want a crew cut. He sees my long hair and after I confirm this is what I want he goes to work.

As he is working on my crew cut I notice the other three old Italian barbers splashing hair tonics and elixers on their customer's hair. My barber finishes my crew cut and I notice - for the first time in my life - that my hairline is receeding. Oh my.

So I say to the barber: "It looks like I'm starting to go bald!"
Barber, with thick Italian accent: "Yes - You-a going-a bald-a."

With quick thinking I am looking around for a solution to this problem. Money is no object. I look around and notice that other men had been getting this hair tonic stuff put on their heads. There were quite a few different types of bottles on the counters. Looked like the liquor shelf at a bar.

So I point to the counter with all the tonic and hair products and ask my barber: "What is the best thing for my baldness?"

Barber takes a moment, looks at the hair tonics, then leans in close to me and looks me in the eye. He whispers to me: "Acceptance!"

---true story--- I never had a problem with my baldness past those few short moments. :)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on July 11, 2007, 09:10:32 AM

True story.

My director calls and tells he wants to know the salary.
"The guy is 30 and will be married with three children"

My answer "Don't you think he will get legal problems doing that ?"

Luckily this director had a sense of humour.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 11, 2007, 04:50:48 PM

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(For the answer, scroll down.)

Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on July 11, 2007, 04:55:12 PM

:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:

I haven't laughed that good in a while

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 14, 2007, 09:27:38 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him.
He's my brother. He's four and we saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 17, 2007, 05:45:21 PM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: MaxxumUSA on July 17, 2007, 07:03:16 PM

Quote from: 2tallbill on July 17, 2007, 05:45:21 PM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

OMG

I think there's a siren in my house after laughing at this one

Thanks bill.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 17, 2007, 07:22:04 PM

Not exactly humor.....But have a look....Beautiful.

http://www.powerofattitudemovie.com/

Peace and love....

Mamma D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 17, 2007, 07:51:02 PM

Mamma D,

That was beautiful. I could swear I saw some of those places when I lived in Canada. If not, they were mirrors.

Hope all is going well with you and your wonderful family!

Ken

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on July 17, 2007, 10:26:45 PM

Mamma D

Very beautiful and inspiring-Thank you

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on July 18, 2007, 11:04:02 PM

Now talk about a bad situation...and making the best of things................almost!

http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 19, 2007, 10:02:00 AM

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 24, 2007, 03:52:09 PM

Subject: Ed

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning", I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift box wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on July 24, 2007, 04:08:51 PM

A penguin is drving into town for his weekly shopping and his car starts playing up, coughing, spluttering. No matter, the repair shop (garage in UK!) is nearby, so he drops the car off.

The nice repairman says no probelm, I'll take a look, so the penguin waddles off into town to buy hus shopping.

He reaches the frozen food store and decides to get his favourite frozen fish sticks, but as he looks he falls to temptation and buys four litres of vanilla ice cream instead. And messily scoffs the lot on the walk back to the car.

The car repair man his the car bonnet (hood!) up and he's stratching his head, in that reassuringly expensive way, and say's to the approaching penguin...

'Looks like you blew a seal....'

And the penguin quickly answers, pointing at his beak, 'No, it's ice-cream'..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on July 24, 2007, 04:18:07 PM

Here's a classic I posted here before:

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "magic."

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that
tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f* *k off.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 02:14:48 PM

When a man found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, hedecided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
evening he went to a singles bar wherehe spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breathaway.

    "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to

her, "but in just aweek or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20

million dollars."

    Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three

days later, she becamehis stepmother.

    Women are so often much smarter than men...

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 06:05:36 PM

The tax office decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to their office.
The tax auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the tax office finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This
morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and p--ss all over
your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 06:08:00 PM

THE LONE RANGER WAS AMBUSHED AND CAPTURED BY AN
ENEMY INDIAN WAR PARTY.
THE INDIAN CHIEF PROCLAIMS, "SO, YOU ARE THE
GREAT LONE RANGER. IN HONOR OF THE HARVEST FESTIVAL, YOU WILL BE EXECUTED IN THREE DAYS. BUT, BEFORE I KILL YOU, I WILL GRANT YOU THREE REQUESTS.
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE."
THE CHIEF NODS AND SILVER IS BROUGHT BEFORE THE
LONE RANGER, WHO WHISPERS IN SILVER'S EAR AND THE HORSE GALLOPS > AWAY.

LATER THAT EVENING, SILVER RETURNS WITH A
BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WOMAN ON HIS BACK. AS THE INDIAN CHIEF WATCHES, THE BLONDE
ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE NEXT MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF ADMITS HE'S IMPRESSED. "YOU HAVE A VERY FINE AND LOYAL HORSE BUT I WILL STILL KILL YOU IN TWO DAYS.

WHAT IS YOUR SECOND REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER AGAIN ASKS TO SPEAK TO HIS HORSE.
SILVER IS BROUGHT TO HIM, AND HE AGAIN WHISPERS IN THE HORSE'S EAR. AS BEFORE, SILVER TAKES OFF ACROSS THE PLAINS AND DISAPPEARS OVER THE HORIZON.

LATER THAT EVENING, TO THE CHIEF'S SURPRISE, SILVER AGAIN RETURNS, THIS TIME WITH A BRUNETTE, EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE BLONDE.
SHE ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF IS AGAIN
IMPRESSED. "YOU ARE INDEED A MAN OF MANY TALENTS BUT I STILL KILL YOU TOMORROW.

"WHAT IS YOUR LAST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE....ALONE." THE CHIEF IS CURIOUS BUT HE AGREES AND SILVER IS
BROUGHT TO THE LONE RANGER'S TENT. ONCE THEY'RE ALONE, THE LONE
RANGER GRABS SILVER BY BOTH EARS, LOOKS HIM SQUARE IN THE EYE AND SAYS, "LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY YOU DUMB ASS HORSE. FOR THE LAST TIME . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 25, 2007, 08:06:35 PM

Q/ What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?

A. "I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on July 26, 2007, 12:48:41 AM

What are three words you never want to hear when you're having sex?

Honey I'm home!! :o

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 01:14:50 AM

bear you crack me up!!!!

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on July 26, 2007, 02:22:10 AM

Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"

Australian Foreplay "You awake?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 02:47:55 PM

Quote from: Ste on July 26, 2007, 02:22:10 AM

Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"

Australian Foreplay "You awake?"

American foreplay......

After I had sex with this young woman many years ago, I said to her "if I had known you were a virgin I would have taken a little more time"
She said to me "if you had taken a little more time I would have removed my panty hose"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 02:53:10 PM

A babuska gets pulled over for speeding...
Babushka: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Babushka: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Babushka: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Babushka: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Babushka: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Babushka: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Babushka: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Babushka: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Babushka: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Babushka: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Babushka: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The Babushka digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Babushka: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral of the story is........
Don't mess with Babushka's

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 02:56:19 PM

Do you really know your theology?

3 MEN IN HISTORY WALKED ON WATER

The 1st one was Christ...

The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter...

Then there was this guy, Jose...

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 26, 2007, 07:04:40 PM

One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused, and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 28, 2007, 07:57:48 PM

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together
two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people wasn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says,"I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,
that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Icarus on July 28, 2007, 09:09:48 PM

Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2.Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage roll and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans

4. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6.The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 29, 2007, 06:26:44 PM

One day little Yuri was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Yana said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Pavel said your head, 'cause you need it to think.

Little Yuri raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Yuri said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.

Yuri replied, "I was walking past my momma's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on July 29, 2007, 07:27:59 PM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked
him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying in...

P.....
E.....
N.....
I.....
S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD
DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on July 31, 2007, 07:19:52 PM

Something for the "Suthaner's" amongst us.

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Shreveport, La. refinery. A Yankee applied for the
same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the
manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. On question No.4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Maxx2 on July 31, 2007, 09:18:42 PM

1:59 minutes long. I liked this one and since this is a humor thread I'll post it here.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnUvw1rzziE[/youtube]

"Because it's extremely farrrrrrr"

Maxx

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 01, 2007, 11:14:23 AM

A Touching Elephant Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on August 01, 2007, 01:15:11 PM

Why do Elephants paint their toenails different colors???

So they can hide in a box of Smarties!!!

Ever see an elephant hide in a box of Smarties???

Works pretty good don't it??? :cheesygrin:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 01, 2007, 02:39:13 PM

Quotes and misquotes...........

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Friction is a drag.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive a car or play golf

Clones are people two.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I drive way too fast and take too many chances to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

One Liner sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on August 01, 2007, 02:50:13 PM

Too Many idiots & not enough ammunition!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on August 01, 2007, 02:55:08 PM

Richard, spotted this news headline about you in the Toronto Star:

http://richard.wright.swellserver.com/news/top_stories/worldrecord.php

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Maxx2 on August 01, 2007, 04:34:28 PM

Thanks Ste. It helps explain allot to me about Richard Wright. A few years ago I called Richard a few times in regard to a certain lady. He was always breathing heavy and seemed out of breath. I just assumed he had a lung condition from smoking too many cigarettes. He seemed distracted. This link explains allot about that. Probably in training for the event. Ste, good cyber detective work!

Maxx

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on August 01, 2007, 04:44:13 PM

Subtle, Maxx, subtle!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 01, 2007, 04:53:30 PM

Blonde jokes are best in bunches

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on August 02, 2007, 02:21:22 AM

TFF :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:

Quote

Richard, spotted this news headline about you in the Toronto Star:

Your lucky I got a good sense of humor or I'd have to kill ya' LMAO
Wrong Richard Wright but hilarious none the less!! :ROFL: :ROFL:
Draw Slick!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 03, 2007, 05:22:08 AM

Not a joke

Quote from: Rvrwind on August 01, 2007, 02:50:13 PM

Too Many idiots & not enough ammunition!!

My Grandfather who is 93, shot an elk in the forest last year (he was only 92 then) and hauled it out with horses, he would never shoot at a quail unless he could hit two of them. Sometimes he only hit one but he didn't aim that way. He also reloaded his own cartridges. When he was 65 he retired and signed a ten year agreement and told me he would not be alive when the agreement was over. He only had one loan in his entire life on a car of all things. He bought his ranch with cash.

But to tie this back to Richards statement about not enough ammunition. Just line them up properly, it saves lead. You can always reload.

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 05, 2007, 06:35:18 PM

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''

''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.
''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 05, 2007, 07:04:18 PM

How Should I Know?
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

Not at all tasty. Doctor's true story.
I was caring for a blonde woman in the hospital and asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?"
"It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I asked if I could see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

17 Days............ Old blonde jokes
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffee shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

The Blonde and the Shepard
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Ventriloquist Dummy
Morris, a ventriloquist, is doing a show at a local club. With the dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and reaching our full potential as a person, just because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general! And all in the name of so-called humor!"
Morris is shocked. He begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee."
Blonde Jokes
Stranded
Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 05, 2007, 07:11:40 PM

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 06, 2007, 09:17:13 AM

Why do they call it PMS? because Mad Cow was already taken........

My exwifes licence plate

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 07, 2007, 07:42:18 PM

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. A

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on August 08, 2007, 09:37:04 AM

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Too darn hot....Thank God for Air Concitioning! ^i^

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on August 08, 2007, 10:38:59 PM

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.

She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing .... ........ ....She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

And The case was dismissed... .....!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on August 10, 2007, 11:55:44 PM

... from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I stopped, and brought her home.

Then I made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator.

She had some old worn out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they'd gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 11, 2007, 12:29:43 PM

An old joke:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-MART!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on August 13, 2007, 05:59:16 AM

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The student got an A.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 14, 2007, 03:01:00 PM

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 15, 2007, 02:15:45 PM

The danger of giving Up wine

A woman was walking down the street when I was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for
a couple of dollars for dinner.

Taking out her wallet, pulling out ten dollars asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No,I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" she
asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" She asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!"

"Well," the woman said said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won 't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? & I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.

The woman said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on August 16, 2007, 10:00:59 AM

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so he gave each woman $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

The first woman had a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, had her hair done, got new make-up, bought several new outfits, then dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second woman bought gifts for the man. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She returned the $5,000 to the man, and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. (Men are like that, you know.)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 16, 2007, 02:31:23 PM

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked little Sergie what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked little Yuri what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Pavel what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Pavel thought real hard about it (didn't want to use baby talk), then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 16, 2007, 09:59:04 PM

A Texas Trooper was driving home after working a 12 hour day when a car came on the highway in front of him at a high rate of speed. The Trooper followed this car for a mile or two then activated his overhead lights to pull the car over, well the car then drove faster and a short pursuit followed before the driver finally stopped about 5 miles down the highway.

At this point the Trooper was mad as hell and he walked up to the driver and told him; " Buddy I've just finished a long shift, I'm tired, hungry and I'm heading home and you're speeding on my highway, give me one reason why I shouldn't arrest you and tow your car.

The driver looks at the Trooper for a minute or so then replies "Well sir there's actually a very simple explanation for my actions. You see 15 years ago my wife ran off with a Trooper and the reason I didn't stop is I thought you were the Trooper she ran off with and you were bringing her back.

The Trooper then told the guy to have a nice day and left

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 19, 2007, 04:05:07 PM

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this lady:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on August 20, 2007, 05:06:36 PM

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 . People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 . When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 20, 2007, 05:35:09 PM

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on August 23, 2007, 07:08:58 PM

I tried to post something but it didn't work

So I will substitute this joke instead

A crusty old man walks into the a local Church and says to the
Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on August 28, 2007, 03:32:16 AM

Russian humor about America (do not be offended ;))

Two Russian immigrant students decided to pull a prank by letting three pigs loose in their school.
They also painted numbers on them. 1, 2 and 4. Cops spent one week looking for pig nr 3. :wallbash:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 10:08:05 AM

*WARNING POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH ADULT THEMES*

Three guys from different agencies (CIA/FBI/Los Angeles Police Department) are talking to each other at a bar and begin arguing over who has the best technique in finding a person, well after disagreeing for a while they finally decide to meet in the forest and release a particular bunny rabbit and whoever finds this rabbit in the shortest amount of time wins.

The CIA guys wins the coin toss and he goes into the forest first, he offers weapons and amnesty to the first animal that gives up the rabbit, well after two days the CIA guy comes out of the forest holding the rabbit.

Next the FBI goes in and gives money to different animals to be informants and offers a large cash reward to any animal that can help locate and seize the rabbit, after one day the FBI comes out holding the rabbit.

Finally LAPD goes into the forest and the other two guys hear all kinds of commotion coming from inside the forest, well after 3 hours the LAPD guy comes out of the forest holding a beaten and bloody badger that's screaming "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"

I know, I'm a sick puppy and I need help

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 10:12:16 AM

a husband and wife are eating dinner and the husband is feeling a bit smug and he tells his wife;

"Honey I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

to which his wife thinks for a minute then replies "Well, you're a much better lover then your brother"

thank you folks I'm here all week

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 11:08:44 AM

I was going over some old photos and I came across the one below that happened about a year ago.

One night I was driving in an industrial park in my highly mobile crime fighting platform looking for evil do'ers doing evil (there had been a rash of burglaries in this area) when I smelled electrical wiring burning. Well being the highly trained and experienced crime fighting Supervisor that I am, I thought one of the complexes/warehouses had just caught on fire so I began looking for signs of smoke or flame.

I had driven about 4 or 5 blocks when smoke began filling the cab of my highly efficient crime fighting machine, so using my highly efficient deductive skills honed by years of crime fighting, I came to the conclusion that my vehicle was on fire. So having the publics safety in mind I drove another block and parked in the middle of a major intersection so as to allow the fire department ample access to this in progress situation (honestly, shutting down a major interection and irritating my Lieutenant had nothing to do with it ;D )

So after I parked the vehicle dead center in the middle of the intersection I got out and notified dispatch (via my portable radio) to send the fire department since my vehicle was in a combustable status ( No I wasn't smiling when I said this-honest ;) )

At this time flame had started to emerge from the hood as I quickly walked to the passenger side and retrieved my duty bag and other personal items (lunch cooler) and then went over to the sidewalk and set everything down, got my camera out of the bag and took a couple of pictures of the vehicle on fire and then opened a bottle of water .

Well my lieutenant decided to leave the comfort of his office and he (along with about 4 Officers) came with all of their pretty lights flashing. When The Lieutenant arrived he ask if I had been able to retrieved the laptop or the shotgun, to which I replied no, but that I was fine and I was lucky to have escaped with my life (I almost kept a straight face when I said this). The Lieutenant then asked why I wasn't directing traffic, to which I replied "Well sir I think even the most moronic idiot in this fair city could see that there is a police car on fire and sitting in the middle of the intersection and that perhaps they should look for other avenues of travel and that I didn't think me in the middle of an intersection at night with flames blinding everyone would be to the benefit of my health.

So here's the final tally;

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe_1.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe-front.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe-side.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Laptop.jpg)
One police equipped Chevrolet Tahoe - $40,000.00
One Panasonic "Toughbook" laptop - $5000.00
One department issued shotgun - $800.00

The look on your Lieutenants face when he realizes all of the paperwork for the above items and realizes that he can't do a damn thing to stop it-PRICELESS!!!

I love my job sometimes

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on August 28, 2007, 02:58:23 PM

Bear.....

Have you save the "doughnuts" from the fire ?

:ROFL:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on August 28, 2007, 04:34:24 PM

Bruno

Why do you think I'm smiling in my avatar ;D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on August 29, 2007, 07:30:22 AM

This one thanks to Jeff S on our sister board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog... Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no - I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time , but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on August 30, 2007, 07:38:31 AM

9 Things people always do that bugs me,

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote control because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When advertisers say something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's an improvement on an existing product, then there must have been something before, so it couldn't be new. What kinda moron thought that one up?

8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone walks up and asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

and finally....

9. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on August 31, 2007, 05:30:29 PM

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GAWD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and accidentally spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on August 31, 2007, 05:39:47 PM

I love airline humor.....

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, saying: "US Air, I think that was my ex-wife speaking".

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on August 31, 2007, 05:49:42 PM

This one happened while I was doing touch 'n go's at DAB (Daytona)
many years ago.

Tower: "National 411, we've got an Embry Riddle Cessna downwind, execute a
turn to the right and come around again.

National pilot: "Daytona Control, do you realize it costs National Airlines about
two thousand dollars to make such a maneuver?"

Tower: "National 411, please give me a two thousand dollar turn to the right...."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Shadow on September 01, 2007, 04:09:13 AM

Near the Portugese coast:
"Attention US Aircraft carrier, this is Estoril T-21, you are on a collision course please turn to the right."
"Estoril T-21, This is the USS Carrier, we are a large ship to maneuver, we will continue."
"USS Carrier, this is Estoril T-21, You really need to change your course to avoid collision."
"Estoril T-21, this is the Admiral of the USS Carrier, we are carrying 20 armed planes, 400 men and are accompanied by two cruisers and one submarine. We will not change our course for anything."
"Admiral, this is Jose Mourinho from Estoril T-21. I am sitting here with my wife and our dog. If you do not change your course your whole fleet will ram the Portugese coast".

From Russian TV:
The American news you can best watch with some beer and pretzels. For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 02, 2007, 01:46:42 PM

Letter from my favorite aunt

Dear Bill,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Hope all well with you,

Your Favorite Aunt

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on September 02, 2007, 07:28:23 PM

Quote from: Shadow on September 01, 2007, 04:09:13 AM

From Russian TV:
For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.

Your Russkie comrade in the frozen north: http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25092.html

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Serebro on September 03, 2007, 03:51:41 AM

One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 03, 2007, 03:15:36 PM

Quote from: Serebro on September 03, 2007, 03:51:41 AM

One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.

Serebro, (drasnit) I can't imagine how any woman resist such a great catch! He had a fiance of several years (inability to commit), no real job or prospects, or material possessions or likely to have any in the future. LOL

You could have replied, "DA DA!! send me this photo to the general mailbox at antidate along with your first and last name and address! would you please send all future photos and correspondence there as I am sure you will find your future muse and love soon."

The truth is always funnier then the best fiction.

Take care,

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on September 05, 2007, 02:30:11 PM

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: KenC on September 06, 2007, 07:23:58 AM

Thought about posting this in one of the age gap threads, but better here.
KenC
>
>
> GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>
> Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
>
> Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
>
> Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
>
> Between 36 and 4 0, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
>
> Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
>
> Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
>
> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
>
> After 70, she becomes Tibet .... Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
>
> GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
> Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , ruled by a dick

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 06, 2007, 02:52:11 PM

I saw this online in another forum:

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 06, 2007, 03:39:32 PM

Quote from: Son of Clyde on September 06, 2007, 02:52:11 PM

I saw this online in another forum:

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

LOL
I am soooooo............stealing that joke

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 06, 2007, 03:40:41 PM

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 06, 2007, 05:21:39 PM

A man sees his attractive, young, blond neighbor going to her mailbox every hour or so and gets curious.

Finally he goes outside and asks her what she is doing.

She tells him she just bought a brand new computer and whenever she turns it on a voice tells her she has mail.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 06, 2007, 07:07:21 PM

A newlywed groom stood off to the side of the reception hall
with his best man. Eyeing the crowd, he remarked, "You know
what? With the exception of my bride, my sister, and my mother
I've had every woman in this room!"

The best man replied, "Between us both, we've had them all."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 06, 2007, 08:14:25 PM

Not a dirty joke..........

TWO Nuns lived at the convent

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster
SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on September 06, 2007, 09:37:00 PM

Quote from: Son of Clyde on September 06, 2007, 02:52:11 PM

I saw this online in another forum:

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

He stayed up all night wondering there was really was a dog.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 07, 2007, 08:25:41 AM

Dominus Nabisco Cookies

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on September 07, 2007, 09:06:55 AM

I used to have a dyslexic labrador retreiver. Whenever he would fetch ducks he would run across the top of the water never even getting his feet wet.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 07, 2007, 05:37:17 PM

"I am not a gay necrophiliac," declared Ralph, in dead earnest...

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 07, 2007, 06:14:52 PM

Ok, I don't get the last three jokes

Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on September 07, 2007, 06:19:56 PM

Bill,

Mine was so obvious... Of course, nobody else laughed either.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 07, 2007, 06:30:01 PM

Bill, I don't really want to review 13 pages, so tell me: have we covered
the "Neil Armstrong" joke?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Jet on September 07, 2007, 10:21:07 PM

Quote from: 2tallbill on September 07, 2007, 06:14:52 PM

Ok, I don't get the last three jokes

Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?

Bill

Yes ;D
At the point when a joke needs to be explained it ceases to be funny ;) (but I really liked Vaughns, and jb's was pretty good too :thumbsup:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruno on September 08, 2007, 03:19:03 AM

Quote from: 2tallbill on September 07, 2007, 06:14:52 PM

Ok, I don't get the last three jokes

Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?

Bill

Hmmm... i get these of JB... so, 1/3... not bad for a foreign guy...

Now, one question for 2tallbill ... Are you a real blond guy ? If yes, i understand your 0/3...

:ROFL: :cheesygrin: :ROFL:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on September 08, 2007, 05:53:21 AM

You mean mine?
Dominus Vobiscum was something from latin class in Catholic school.
We used to say Dominus Nabisco Cookies instead.
Someone else told me he said Dominus Go Frisk Em

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 08, 2007, 05:52:48 PM

Quote from: Jet on September 07, 2007, 10:21:07 PM

Yes ;D
At the point when a joke needs to be explained it ceases to be funny ;) (but I really liked Vaughns, and jb's was pretty good too :thumbsup:

I was simply remarking on the unfortunate fact that three fastballs went over the plate
in a row and I couldn't put wood on any of them.

To Bruno: no blonde just brown with grey mixed in.

I don't have alzheimer's but I definitely have part timers

Take care,

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on September 08, 2007, 06:51:10 PM

Quote from: Vaughn on September 07, 2007, 06:30:01 PM

Bill, I don't really want to review 13 pages, so tell me: have we covered
the "Neil Armstrong" joke?

None on Neil Armstrong as of yet.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Simoni on September 08, 2007, 11:17:41 PM

Now that we have a break in the jokes, I have a question.... does anyone else find the russian jokes translated into English rather lame?

While in Ukraine this summer, lots of guys shared jokes with me and laughed and laughed! But to me they were very funny at all. Most that is. Some were :D

Russian humor has to be acquired...

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on September 09, 2007, 05:04:03 AM

Russian Humor is an aquired taste alright. It helps if you know the language, the culture & the history however.
This one should be easy for all. The girls at the office laughed way too much over it.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on September 13, 2007, 08:12:09 PM

Quote from: Simoni on September 08, 2007, 11:17:41 PM

Now that we have a break in the jokes, I have a question.... does anyone else find the russian jokes translated into English rather lame?

No doubt about it. I spotted this one in a Russian journal, and decided to memorize
it in Russian. It brings gales of laughter when I tell it to a group of Russians, but my
suspicion is that they're just as tickled by my New Yorkskii accent.

A wife tells her husband that their flat really needs sone new wallpaper. "Go talk to
the neighbor - he just finished papering their place." The hubby goes down the hall
and approaches Sergei, asking, "Hi Neighbor! Tell me - we want to wallpaper our
apartment - and yours is identical in size - so how many rolls of paper did you buy?"

"Nine" answered Sergei. So hubby goes to the market and finds a good deal on nine
rolls - and finishes the job that weekend. Trouble was, he had two rolls left over, and
couldn't figure out why. So he visits Sergei again: "I thought you told me you bought
nine rolls. We bought nine, but have two remaining."

Sergei answers, "So do we."

Not hilarious, but it seems to be in the FSU. Or maybe it is my accent and unpolished grammar.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: LadyX on September 27, 2007, 12:41:59 AM

Hi! Just couple funny pics... :D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 01, 2007, 06:04:43 PM

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his big unit and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me with the beer bottle!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: baldrick on October 02, 2007, 09:46:51 AM

Paddy and Mick (Irish) were at the morgue to identify Sheamus,s body that had been badly burnt. Paddy goes first and turns the body over and looks at his ass and says "no thats not him". Mick goes next, turns the body over and looks at his ass and says "you,re right Paddy that,s not him". The doctor somewhat puzzled asks "how do you know its not him?". Thats easy says Mick, when we used to go out everybody used to say "here comes Sheamus with the two assholes"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Turboguy on October 02, 2007, 04:08:05 PM

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Examples, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil, is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by
teams of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, & it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:There's more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on October 03, 2007, 12:08:24 AM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real, and then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on October 09, 2007, 06:13:47 AM

This would be funny.....

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?ad_key=SBOSFJTXIERM&tracking_id=881224&id=575

if it weren't true.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Zadan on October 09, 2007, 01:21:56 PM

A few days ago I was browsing around craigslist looking for info on things to do while in NYC / Manhattan. I found this hilarious thread which is now removed:

Quote

MORE advice for woman seeking $500k+ earning man
Reply to: pers-439983703@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-04, 1:57PM EDT

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or
other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

**********

MY ADVICE:

Dear Pers-431649184:

I also came across your posting with great interest. I am a 28 year old Wall Street trader who qualifies as an eligible suitor under your $500k/yr rule. In fact, I make over a million and can usher a woman into a comfortable, true middle class lifestyle (not like those 500k lower-middle class chumps who have to make do with the junior two-bedroom).

I am sympathetic to your goal in finding a rich man to marry. The milk needs to be sold by the expiration date. But since this is premium milk, why would you settle for less than premium prices? I would like to address some of the questions that were previously missed by the other gentleman and provide constructive advice on where to find your match.

I also do believe in the efficient market theory, and am surprised that $500k hasn't found you yet. There are plenty of rich lawyers, investment bankers and hedgies to go around in this city. What gives? I think the problem might be that you have not been sufficiently focused in your search efforts.

The culprit, I believe, may be that you are also looking for qualities aside from money - such as looks, personality, and a sense of humor. However, men who have those qualities learn at an early age that they do not need money to attract quality women. As the saying goes, if you can get the milk for free, why pay up for the cow?

What you need to look for is someone who is long money, and short the other aspects. They are not easy to spot, since you are biologically wired to overlook and ignore them. However, the next time that you are at a expensive black tie event, and you are introduced to the short, bald, overweight man who fidgets nervously whilst making conversation with you, pay special attention to him.

Here's an inspirational story for you. An acquaintance of mine who was also an classy and articulate woman as yourself was able to land that guy - who also happens to be one of the top ten guys at Google. This is the type of stuff that gold-digging moms read to their gold-digging daughters at bedtime. Perhaps you need to make a location change to Silicon Valley - miracles like these happen almost everyday in a land where you can randomly throw a rock and hit a rich nerd squarely in his Kim-jong Il glasses.

And as far as his deficiencies go, they turned out to be not so bad. With hundreds of millions in the bank, she's been able to clean him up and give him a little sophistication. Think of it as a fixer-upper project with a massive budget (and yourself as a visionary real estate developer!). Although, I must warn you, it is a fine line you are flirting with - you must not overdo it lest he begins to attract younger women who are hotter than yourself. The trick is, you need build him up enough to be presentable, while simultaneously manipulate him into believing you are the best that he will ever do! That, botox and having kids will be your insurance against your depreciation (or as I prefer to use the term, milk going sour).

I wish the best of luck on your sales project. As for me, I am also available for a short-term lease. However, for marriage I wouldn't consider a woman unless she can bring beauty, brains and self-motivation to the table. I do not want to dilute my gene pool and end up raising a bunch of Paris Hiltons.

:ROFL:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 09, 2007, 06:33:38 PM

Casual Friday,

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on October 10, 2007, 05:35:06 PM

Ok here is the shortest joke I know. I hope someone will get it.

Did you hear about Helena Rubenstein?

Max Factor.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on October 10, 2007, 05:44:17 PM

Pretty old but funny.

http://www.jibjab.com/originals/this_land

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 13, 2007, 02:50:47 PM

good help is hard to find

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 13, 2007, 03:47:40 PM

reset!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on October 14, 2007, 12:17:06 PM

A world renowned professor on human sexuality was giving a speech on how the more sex you have, the happier you are.

To prove his point, he asked all those in the audience who have sex once a day to raise their hands. Quite a few did and they were all smiling and laughing and in general having a great time.

Next he asked all those who have sex once a week to raise their hands and a few more did. They were also having a good time, but not quite as much as the first group.

Then he asked all those who have sex only once a month to raise their hands and those that did, well, they did not seem to be having any fun at all.

And to drill home the point, he then asked all those who have sex only once a year to raise their hands and the only one to do so was this older guy in the front row. But he was buckling over in joy and laughing his butt off.

So the professor went over to him and said, “Hey JB, how can you be so happy having sex only once a year” and JB replied, “Because tonight is the night”!!!

(Note: Scotty, maintain full power to the shields)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 14, 2007, 06:25:31 PM

Handy guy

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Vaughn on October 14, 2007, 07:05:23 PM

(http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/Ar5ZRnciPayX.jpg)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 14, 2007, 08:58:58 PM

be careful what you wish for...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: viking on October 15, 2007, 11:20:09 AM

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 15, 2007, 11:25:18 AM

Adoption.....

One gives life......birth mother....
Another teaches a child how to live that life.....This is a parent!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 03:34:32 PM

Not Downloaded

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 04:56:26 PM

****Warning the following Jokes / Cartoons are adult in nature and some may not see them as funny.******
****If you are easily offended then I would recommend not reading the below jokes*****

Hopefully I am not crossing the line too far. Humor is in the eye of the beholder admittedly these jokes are close to the line if not over.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 05:06:19 PM

Hand(some) bra

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 05:11:21 PM

So many uses

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 05:22:42 PM

Twister for two

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 16, 2007, 06:27:47 PM

Moo

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 17, 2007, 12:41:49 PM

Quote from: Vaughn on October 14, 2007, 07:05:23 PM

(http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/Ar5ZRnciPayX.jpg)

Vaughn, you were going to tell an astronaut joke.

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Sort on October 21, 2007, 05:56:24 PM

:ROFL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 21, 2007, 10:53:46 PM

hmmmmm.....

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 22, 2007, 06:47:06 AM

Global Warming........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 22, 2007, 02:16:48 PM

hold my.......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 22, 2007, 02:31:42 PM

blue balls?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 23, 2007, 06:20:50 PM

Not so hot date

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 24, 2007, 07:03:48 AM

Help with translation

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Muj on October 24, 2007, 04:41:38 PM

Good ones Bill

:ROFL:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 25, 2007, 07:31:04 PM

One more stategy to win her over

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 25, 2007, 09:18:04 PM

Smells like a new car! ? :cluebat:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 26, 2007, 01:12:19 AM

Blonde joke

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 26, 2007, 07:48:12 AM

Make a wish...................... : wallbash:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 26, 2007, 07:54:04 PM

Pretty eyes

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on October 27, 2007, 05:14:45 AM

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for
work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them
out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington
where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking
for work!'

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on October 27, 2007, 11:36:45 AM

:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: As I said in another post, defection is looking better and better

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ScottinCrimea on October 27, 2007, 11:44:27 AM

Wouldn't you just love to see Hiilary try to take on Yulia Tymoshenko? She would be crawling back to Bill in no time.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 27, 2007, 03:09:58 PM

Rhino

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 27, 2007, 03:23:53 PM

Random Questions

IS ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 27, 2007, 06:23:28 PM

Charley Brown

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on October 28, 2007, 02:18:28 PM

A real Mail Order Bride

(and you said they don't really exist)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 06:55:54 PM

Who designed this???

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 06:58:16 PM

Female IT experts........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 07:09:43 PM

Engineers

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 07:10:27 PM

Where is HE going???

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 28, 2007, 07:11:48 PM

Unreachable

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on October 28, 2007, 09:37:34 PM

May be some truth here..........

Drafting Guys over 60

I 'm over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.

We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Oh well, he may be OK......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on October 29, 2007, 12:15:28 PM

Who decided that teenagers have to die for their country? Why not have the leaders play a game of chess and the loser has to keep quiet for a dozen years. With George W Bush it would have to be a game he is capable of comprehending.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:10:19 PM

National Sarcasm Society

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:14:53 PM

Clearly priceless

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:18:33 PM

What could go wrong?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:27:26 PM

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
Does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:30:59 PM

I think very few would deny that women are not more complicated than man.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 29, 2007, 05:39:01 PM

A very adept man can read subtle body language changes in a woman for example...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 30, 2007, 05:23:00 PM

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best

Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white

male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was

charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and

public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his

way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know

how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around

for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a

telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole

in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into

it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an

approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer

Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached

Lawrence .

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a

pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he

looked me straight in the face and said...

"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 30, 2007, 09:03:17 PM

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on October 30, 2007, 09:58:08 PM

Priceless

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:04:39 AM

Blonde moment

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:05:54 AM

Adult dog stores

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:07:08 AM

Multiple uses

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:08:33 AM

24 hours in a day

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:09:50 AM

be careful what you wish for

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:10:49 AM

same joke told slightly differently

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:11:27 AM

never mind

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:12:17 AM

lower standards

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:31:48 AM

Men and women often think about different things.......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 02:40:35 AM

male brain

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Lily on November 04, 2007, 11:32:06 AM

to the famous age topic :)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:02:57 PM

Driving test

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:05:41 PM

Did you get her number? or was it simply wishfull thinking?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:09:21 PM

The evidence keeps stacking up about global warming!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:16:34 PM

You would not believe all the things I said I would do on this day!
.
.
..
.
.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 06:20:16 PM

There is nothing like a nice relaxing day wind surfing to take your mind off of lifes problems.............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 11:19:45 PM

How do these people survive?

01. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager
at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't
order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets

02. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar
code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.

03. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."

04. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing
it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."

05. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

06. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The front
of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

07. My neighbor works in the operations department
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in
the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"

08. Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.

09. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him
some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency room!

I doubt these are true stories but who knows truth is often stranger than fiction.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 04, 2007, 11:23:27 PM

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs, were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble,

couldn't reach that far...

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 03:01:37 PM

***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***

If you are super sensitive about such jokes skip to the next joke

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

..............................................................
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is thi s street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

..................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 05, 2007, 03:18:46 PM

"Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist"

:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:44:39 PM

Notice

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:45:55 PM

peer pressure.......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:47:31 PM

New Drug

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:50:04 PM

Only us.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:51:50 PM

Smells like..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:55:17 PM

Some people thought Jack was slightly reluctant to show his committment to Jill. Jill says that no, Jack was just shy...............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 09:57:33 PM

Hope springs eternal..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:01:59 PM

re·dun·dant /rɪˈdʌndənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ri-duhn-duhnt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective 1. characterized by verbosity or unnecessary repetition in expressing ideas; prolix: a redundant style.
2. being in excess; exceeding what is usual or natural: a redundant part.
3. having some unusual or extra part or feature.
4. characterized by superabundance or superfluity: lush, redundant vegetation.
5. Engineering. a. (of a structural member) not necessary for resisting statically determined stresses.
b. (of a structure) having members designed to resist other than statically determined stresses; hyperstatic.
c. noting a complete truss having additional members for resisting eccentric loads. Compare complete (def. 8), incomplete (def. 3).
d. (of a device, circuit, computer system, etc.) having excess or duplicate parts that can continue to perform in the event of malfunction of some of the parts.

6. Linguistics. characterized by redundancy; predictable.
7. Computers. containing more bits or characters than are required, as a parity bit inserted for checking purposes.
8. Chiefly British. removed or laid off from a job.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Origin: 1595–1605; < L redundant- (s. of redundāns), prp. of redundāre to flow back, overflow, be excessive. See redound, -ant]

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:03:11 PM

Who has a bad attitude?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:05:47 PM

I wonder why he seems a little short?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 05, 2007, 10:10:12 PM

I am pissed, I always thought this counted...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 06, 2007, 12:13:31 AM

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 06, 2007, 04:42:05 PM

I said to sit!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 08, 2007, 11:43:17 AM

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives
in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is
currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three
children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward
to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and
honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for
President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 01:55:21 PM

Old joke that has been around a while

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

Hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 02:04:31 PM

If you build it will they come?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 02:08:07 PM

Antidote

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:08:24 PM

note to self.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:10:30 PM

Children...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:13:47 PM

Gotta love those Tiger Fans..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:16:55 PM

Florida the Mountain State?????

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:20:05 PM

It's important to keep a positive attitude!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:25:07 PM

Easter bunny nightmares......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:29:53 PM

How rumors get started...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:39:38 PM

A mans first happy moment.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 03:49:08 PM

Little Billy often thought his parents sent him to the
wrong school...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 05:08:02 PM

True story, I have a collegue who sold windows to a
man named Buster Highman

I gave a bid to a man from from Viet Nam whose name
was Phuc Dat. I didn't get awarded the project.

I had another collegue who sold a man windows who his
name was Ron Heller and his company was named
Heller Highwater construction.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:41:59 PM

Breasts.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:44:39 PM

more of the same

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:45:50 PM

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:47:09 PM

more............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 06:51:27 PM

keeping abreast of things...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 07:25:53 PM

breast stroke?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 07:27:19 PM

Motivation

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:31:51 PM

Is this subject about tapped out?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:34:35 PM

Testing..........graded pass fail?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:37:14 PM

more?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:38:23 PM

continued..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:44:58 PM

focus.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 08:46:48 PM

pro dater?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:07:55 PM

bad pick up lines...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:31:34 PM

deeply disturbing..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:32:28 PM

Stop Staring........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 11, 2007, 10:37:53 PM

reality bites......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Son of Clyde on November 12, 2007, 07:07:25 AM

2tallbill you are the Henny Youngman of RWD.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 13, 2007, 07:36:33 AM

Quote from: Son of Clyde on November 12, 2007, 07:07:25 AM

2tallbill you are the Henny Youngman of RWD.

That's a little more credit than I deserve, but thanks for the nice compliment.

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 13, 2007, 08:29:23 AM

Bill, you, and this thread, are about the only reason I visit RWD anymore. You must subscribe to some sort of "Joke-Of-The-Day" service, nobody can remember that many funny stories.

Keep us laughing.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 13, 2007, 09:25:37 AM

JB your making me blush.

But no, I just tell jokes so it seems when anyone hears a good one they send it to me.

Take care,

Bill

The next joke was sent to me by my friend Charley

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 13, 2007, 09:27:40 AM

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South
Dakota Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or
Mild.

Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught The Old
Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The Winter Was
Going To Be Like.

Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe
That The Winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The
Village Should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.

Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He Went To
The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And Asked, "is The
Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?" "It Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be
Quite Cold," The Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.

So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even More Firewood In
Order To Be Prepared.

A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "Does It still
Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?" "Yes," The Man At National
Weather Service Again Replied, "It's Going To Be A Very Cold Winter." The
Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To Collect Every Scrap
Of Firewood They Could Find.

Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service Again. "Are You
Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very Cold?" Absolutely," The
Man Replied. "It's Looking More and More Like It Is Going To Be One Of The
Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen.

"How Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.
The Weatherman Replied,

"The Indians Are Collecting Firewood Like Crazy."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 13, 2007, 09:59:05 AM

I was a tribal cop for several years and one day I was patrolling along the out skirts of the reservation when a saw a car on the side of the road with the hood up and smoke coming from the compartment. I stopped and talked to the driver to offer assistance, he was amazed that I had gotten there so quick since the car had just died.

He asked how I knew where to find him since we were in a remote area and I replied "well where there's smoke, there's engine trouble"

Anther situation

I was at the scene of an accident and the fire department had already left when I noticed a severed toe sitting on the side of the road, well I was a rookie at that time and couldn't think of what to do so I called a toe truck.

Thank you folks I'm here all week.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Mamma D on November 13, 2007, 06:18:11 PM

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

Ready?

really ready?

:cluebat:

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put

on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 14, 2007, 12:53:23 PM

At a southern university, students in the psychology class were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“sadness” said the student

“and the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Okalahoma.

“Elation,” she said

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, ”what about the opposite if woe?”

The Texan replied, ”Sir, I believe that would be ’giddy up’.”

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BC on November 14, 2007, 01:06:25 PM

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 14, 2007, 01:29:28 PM

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:

•If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
•If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
•If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
•If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
•If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
•If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
•If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
•If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
•If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
•If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
•If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 14, 2007, 02:44:47 PM

An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad........

A few days later he received a letter from his son.......

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the bodies.
Love Bubba....

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.....

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba....

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: ConnerVT on November 14, 2007, 02:50:35 PM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 04:28:47 PM

DEAR ABBY
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse? Everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS's with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of The United States. Act like one!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BillyB on November 14, 2007, 05:18:08 PM

Is this the thread for romantic poetry?

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:07:56 PM

A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the
Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or
colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.

If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination
Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store.

Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated. If you don't have
five friends, you're already infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:12:04 PM

******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********

Pregnant Lady
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting
with her mother in the doctors office.

She inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, she asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little girl with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."

With even a more surprised and shocked look she said, "Then why
in the world did you eat him?"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:13:56 PM

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:36:37 PM

are they coming??

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:39:32 PM

Great philosophical minds wonder.......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 06:59:45 PM

sorry, it's a little late for halloween jokes........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:08:21 PM

Caption Contest

Winner gets a certificate of comedy (suitable for framing)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:13:16 PM

I will post the photo in a new thread as well.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:23:24 PM

my personal preferences

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:32:04 PM

Not Santa but...............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:38:38 PM

can you see?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:39:32 PM

State of Mind

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 14, 2007, 07:48:41 PM

Your idea...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Rvrwind on November 14, 2007, 09:39:10 PM

1967 vs 2007

This is being sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1967: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair

1967: KEG
2007: EKG

1967: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux

1967: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1967: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage

1967: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1967: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint

1967: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1967: Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office

1967: Disco
2007: Costco

1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1967: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1967: Whatever
2007: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things...

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?"

"I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, Boss, de plane"

They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. Even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 11:48:59 AM

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 11:54:06 AM

***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***

If you get indignant anytime somebody makes fun of Hillary please go on to the
next joke.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 03:37:26 PM

BC posted this in another thread. I thought I would add it here

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 03:38:35 PM

No shirt............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: BillyB on November 15, 2007, 03:54:25 PM

Here's a popular one most of you probably already heard of.

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well, what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 30 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn?t reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "What the hell was that for?"

She says, "That?s for knowing the difference!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 05:36:06 PM

Put away the jaws of Life!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 05:50:29 PM

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a
motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on November 15, 2007, 06:07:26 PM

Little Johnny comes running out of his Granny's bedroom and exclaims to his mum "Mum, Gran has a Prawn sticking out her private parts!"

Mum, concerned, opens her mothers bedroom door and gran is naked on the bed, asleep, smiling with satisfaction, her clitoris standing proud and erect.

Mum, in explaination mode, hiding her embarrassment says to wee Johnny "No, Johnny, that's just her clitoris...."

Little Johnny says, indignantly, "Funny, it tasted like a Prawn....."

Tones Lowered 'R' Us....

I thank you....

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 15, 2007, 09:05:54 PM

:ROFL: Ste you are waaaaayyyy to wicked!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
>the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruce on November 16, 2007, 03:31:55 AM

The Amish Farmer: An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking fromhis pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts:"Trink das wasser nicht.Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man says::"Use two hands. You'll get more."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Bruce on November 16, 2007, 03:36:44 AM

Subject: A bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." .and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants " After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are , would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 04:33:13 PM

Red neck neighborhood watch

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 05:08:33 PM

Bike for sale...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:11:42 PM

My exwife was a vegitarian, not because she liked animals but
because she really hated plants..............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:17:32 PM

Disney's desperate housewives

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:24:09 PM

Look the kids found some new kittens..........

Note this joke originally from AK Mike

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:33:09 PM

Not everybody finds the same things funny.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:36:10 PM

Great business ideas..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:42:03 PM

Ikea seems to be into all kinds of stuff

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:44:44 PM

Golds gym..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:45:51 PM

Ace really is the place.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:48:32 PM

Save money on wedding rings ...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:50:20 PM

Better than Spock???

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:53:17 PM

Is this their back up plan?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 08:57:35 PM

works on the neighbors cats as well.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 09:01:53 PM

Q#$%!#$!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 17, 2007, 09:35:09 PM

the real purpose......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on November 18, 2007, 11:46:15 AM

For those of you with a taste for something different. Enter this contest. Not sure what she would do to you but a Hydraulic Wench would sure give you a run for the money. Gotta love those typos... :D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 02:22:54 PM

Boys are faster scientific proof

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 02:46:48 PM

flag burner..........you reap what you sow.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 02:48:18 PM

top of his class...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 03:20:04 PM

New words to grow your vocabulary............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 09:51:58 PM

Golf...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ..."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 10:20:31 PM

Blonde Joke.....

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 10:42:46 PM

Quality Inns

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 18, 2007, 10:53:01 PM

Ineptitude

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Gator on November 18, 2007, 11:34:15 PM

Appropriate considering recent threads about appearances

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Bulldog!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f*uck off.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 19, 2007, 03:13:18 AM

Liquid........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 20, 2007, 12:03:47 PM

Blondes..........

Subject: IS IT BECAUSE I AM BLONDE??????
Body: A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled
"we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4,
but I
counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her Mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Asked the girl.
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids could
only
say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!" "Very Good," said
her
Mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes it's because your blonde", said the Mommy.

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the
other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to
reveal
a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,
Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 20, 2007, 12:30:55 PM

Here's some politically incorrect humor, if you're offended-oh well

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/getawaywithit.jpg)

Hmmmm, Think Dad might have some issues? lol

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/cops.jpg)

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/hidingcop.jpg)

And my favorite;
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/speeding.jpg)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 02:35:29 PM

How to tell if you are married to a Russian woman.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 02:37:06 PM

I think Gator's woman has finally found a dog she likes.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 02:38:39 PM

How to tell the bad girls from the good ones.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 20, 2007, 03:33:54 PM

Quote from: jb on November 20, 2007, 02:38:39 PM

How to tell the bad girls from the good ones.

So she is one of the Good ones?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 05:21:36 PM

I think that would depend entirely upon one's perspective.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on November 20, 2007, 05:21:53 PM

I'm currently debating whether to post a joke i was told that is so sick it's prolly gonna get me a ban if I do.

If I don't, I just know i'll be inundated with PM's asking for it you dirty hounds....

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: jb on November 20, 2007, 06:13:29 PM

(tapping foot) still waiting, Ste.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: acrzybear on November 20, 2007, 10:31:19 PM

(Tapping fingers on desk) Waiting as well Ste. If you had any bullocks you'd post it :D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 01:53:31 PM

Quote from: Ste on November 20, 2007, 05:21:53 PM

I'm currently debating whether to post a joke i was told that is so sick it's prolly gonna get me a ban if I do.

If I don't, I just know i'll be inundated with PM's asking for it you dirty hounds....

I don't know...........Ste is pretty twisted. If he thinks it's bad I am absolutely positive that it is.
I will read it if he posts it. Hopefully it doesn't warp my simple mind.

Bill

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 01:55:33 PM

Thanksgiving divorce.......

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 02:25:52 PM

From Holly Springs , Mississippi - A seven-year old boy was
at the center of a Marshall County courtroom drama this
morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should
have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten
by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation
requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to
live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live
with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also
beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a
way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with
the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to Coach Ed Oregron and the Ole Miss Rebels,
whom the boy and the judge firmly believe are no longer
capable of beating anyone.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 02:27:44 PM

I stole this joke fair and square from Ak Mike

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be
told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you
berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he
says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will
impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I Want to try someting I have heard
about from other girls... numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want... Garlic Chicken
with corrifrowa?'

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: Ste on November 21, 2007, 03:43:08 PM

Quote from: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 01:53:31 PM

I don't know...........Ste is pretty twisted. If he thinks it's bad I am absolutely positive that it is.
I will read it if he posts it. Hopefully it doesn't warp my simple mind.

Bill

OK, here it comes, England lost at home to Croatia, out of the Euro champs, means Russia sneak in ahead. There's an 'atmosphere' here...

Right, don't say I didn't warn you...

Dad is sat at home when his six yo daughter comes running in, "dad, this pervert man got me in the woods!!"

What happened? he said

Well, first the man took off all his clothes......

Yes, yes, agitatedly, said her father...

Then he took off all mine, and, and, and....

Yes, yes, yes, dad exclaimed, what happened, I need to know....

I can't remember dad, it's all a blank......

Dad say's, masturbating furiously, "Make it up, make it up!!"

Told you it was sick, this is Ste, signing off from RWD.....

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:15:58 PM

Ok, Ste I need to take a shower with two bars of soap and steel wool.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:22:20 PM

Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!

You have been warned!

My friend Stuart hired an illegal from home desparate (Home Depot),
he brought the guy home and gave him two cans of paint
and told the guy "I want you to paint the porch"

an hour later the man came back and said he was done.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked him if he was sure.
The man said jes I'm chure, I even gave it 2 coats.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked again since he thought it
would take most of the day.

The man said jes I am chure but it wasn't a Porshe it was
a Lexis.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:37:36 PM

Optical delusion.......

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:45:41 PM

Stupidity

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: catzenmouse on November 21, 2007, 06:37:11 PM

Quote from: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 04:37:36 PM

Optical delusion.......

This one is a complete crock of Chit! There is nothing in the background! And the text on that picture was so blurry I had to have my son read it to me.... :D

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 08:57:02 PM

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 08:58:44 PM

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 09:05:14 PM

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 21, 2007, 09:07:48 PM

Not really a Thanksgiving joke but.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 03:56:23 PM

Trendy diet drinks...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 03:57:44 PM

FIRST KISS

So...it's your first kiss and
several questions come
to mind:
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is it the right time?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is anyone watching?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Does your partner even want to?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is your breath fresh?
*
*
*
*
*
*
And...should you use some tongue?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Then you lean in and
just go for it!!!!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:00:30 PM

One of those penis enlargements that works..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:07:11 PM

DNA research!

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:39:58 PM

Baby sitting made simple, (please note this is in the joke section)

Watching kids can be a pain in the butt, I am sure especially now around the holidays
that many of you have noticed this. I was the oldest of six kids and the second toughest.
(my brother Rob was the toughest because I could never take the beatings that I gave him).

Any way being in a large family I was often given the task of watching kids that I didn't help concieve, and the only reason given to me was that I was oldest and related to them by blood.

The easiest way to watch a small child is by applying vaseline to the edges of a tub. Then put the little tike in the tub (naked) with a box of cherrios and a couple bath toys. Turn the stereo up a little. The child can't get out of the tub or make a mess, or get too hungry and best of all at the end of the day you simply rinse out the tub, no muss no fuss.

When I got older and had my own car I was still often told that yes I could go somewhere like to an outdoor barbeque or similiar but I had to bring one or more of my siblings with me

I came up with a solution that kept my car clean and free of mess.

Yes you simply roll their fingers in the window, people have often asked isn't that dangerous?
and the answer is that no, although after several hours their fingers turn a little blue and they tend to be happy to see you when you get back and even more beneficial is they don't nag as much to go with you everytime.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 04:56:34 PM

News Flash......
Mellisa Williamson worries that the noise from the nearby construction
could harm her unborn child.

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:07:33 PM

Got to follow the law.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:16:50 PM

I know this is an oldie.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:34:18 PM

Free to good home...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:40:58 PM

I showed up ready to spend $10

But they only wanted to play cards..........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:45:50 PM

little Billy was an adventuresome lad......and when he
grew up he didn't think that Flying 11 time zones to
find true love would be any different.............
Afterall what could possibly go wrong?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 05:50:01 PM

as Little Billy grew up sometimes he didn't take potential problems
into account after all what could possibly go wrong?

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 23, 2007, 06:29:23 PM

Hopefully this is a joke...............

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:37:30 PM

Baby sitting made simple part Dva,

(please note this is in the joke section)

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:47:08 PM

Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 1

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:47:57 PM

Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 2

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:49:15 PM

Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 3

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 07:49:53 PM

Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration

Idea # 4

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 08:27:39 PM

I think this idea has some merit. Think about it solar tanning beds...........

Using the sun to tan........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 08:56:15 PM

More babysitting tips.........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:17:55 PM

Word Ebonics version

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:43:37 PM

Happy Endings

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:48:30 PM

Newspaper clippings........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:52:02 PM

Procrastination...........

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:53:38 PM

Pessimisism

Title: Time for some Humor!!
Post by: 2tallbill on November 24, 2007, 09:55:39 PM