Russian Women Discussion

RWD Discussion Groups => Questions to Russian Ladies / Спросите Русских Женщин => Topic started by: Nikolos on September 09, 2018, 07:05:38 AM

Title: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 09, 2018, 07:05:38 AM
I'll try to keep it brief..

Corresponded with a Woman from Moscow for 20 months now, I visited her in June of 2017, she spoke no English, but we managed communicating despite the language barrier, 2 weeks into the trip, I asked her to Marry me, she accepted...

Shortly after, she lost her job and asked if I would support her until the visa was approved, I was very reluctant to do it, but I wanted the relationship to work and viewed it as an investment toward the future.. I also paid for her to take a English course, I expressed how important this was in order for our relationship to work, she agreed, after 2 months she quit, said it was a waste of money, we argued and she wouldn't change her mind, said she would learn when she came to America, I let it go, During November of 2017 I submitted the Fiancée visa application, it was approved by USCIS, approved at the Visa center and is now sitting at the US Embassy in Moscow awaiting the interview...

I just returned from Moscow yesterday, after spending 10 days with her, With all the effort of learning English, I think she spoke less than 10 words the entire time I was there, it was all mobile translator, after 20 months of using the translator and having it mis-translate what I write, my patience was at its end, it was impossible to have any meaningful dialogue and I became less talkative, never rude, just not a sociable because I couldn't express my true self.. I was staying at her apartment and did everything to keep the peace until my trip was over, we visited several places in Moscow, I was even introduced to her Mother and I've always had a good relationship with her daughter, who is the same age as my daughter, she's a sweetheart and half of the money I send ia going to support her and her education, and I'm OK with it.

My problem is that I came to the realization that were NOT compatible, we have a lot in common with regard to family and have mutual goals in life, but when it comes to common interests and communication, were miles apart.. She's not afraid to say what she does NOT like; Sports, News, the Metro, hates Moscow, Sex must be planned, both must bathe before and after sex.. I went to the store and bought Spaghetti and sauce and made it for dinner, she refused to eat it, she said that spaghetti is for children, uh, OK..  She did however take me to several places in Moscow, but I know she didn't want to be there, always rushing to go back home.. Needless to say it was a disaster and I couldn't wait to get back on the plane.

I always felt love for her, but that feeling changed on this trip, She's a great person, but she's also a selfish person, and that's not something I can live with, I'm a giver and she's a taker, I didn't see it before but now I do..  I send her 1K a month in support, and while I was there I took her and her daughter shopping for things they needed, I truly enjoyed doing it and I expected nothing in return, only acts of appreciation, which I didn't get.

She has such high hopes of coming to the US, she loves the beach and I live only 20 minutes away.. Nearly a 2 year investment and were on the last leg of the visa process :( .. If the last 10 days are an indication of what my future will be with her, I know I wont be happy, I'll be in a miserable relationship... I just don't have the heart and courage to break it off. :(  Maybe in part because of her daughter, she's been through so much heartache with 2 fathers, one who abandoned her after birth and a step dad who rejected her.  My heart tells me stick it out, but my brain tells me to cut and run. Don't know what to do :(
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BdHvA on September 09, 2018, 08:00:41 AM
As I see it you have two options (well three)

1.)  Commit suicide.

2.)  Man up and say sorry dearie this ain't going to happen. Have a nice day.

3.)  Will let you guess.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 09, 2018, 08:17:19 AM
Not easy situation...But you should be honest with yourself first of all.... I know that many men here have an weird  approach..(as for me) They  searching for a gf/wife in Russia or Ucraine like a... goods in supermarket..(she should be tall, nice, young...and so on) Its not bad! In some meaning sucsessful relashionship is the contract. And a huge work beetwem people. But not only this. And love is not only about sucsessful choice and passion... I hope that most of us percieve marrige as long-term and very closed, heart-to-heart comminication. Where you and your partner feel comfort and harmony! Everyone want to feel @home@ near the spouse. And its very important! to understand that  there is no huge distance between you and her in lifevision, sense of humor, characters, interests...
I am a woman too..So i can assure you that it will be painful for her and you anyway! It makes everyone a  hard-broken...When you have plans, dreams about future, talk about it with your friends and family and...Just get unrealised predictions! Anyway it will be stressful and you should think about @what you really want@ many times before you aloud your decision.

But i want to support you. Sometime @to say stop@ is better than to have lot of regrets in future.
And its very important to be honest with yourself. You can be flexible, you can try to fool yourself, assure yourself that @everything will be fixed@ But you cant immitate happiness for a while.

So be strong. And try to explane it to your woman.
Its really better to do it now. Not when she came to your country and lost your life here and started to plan a child with you....
Its very difficult to finish something you gifted so much of your emocions, powers, money, hopes,energy ...
But I strongly convinsed that there are moments when we have to make step back, to be honest to yourself. Its only your life. And you deserve to be totaly happy!

Sure its better to make this dialog face-to-face. If you can! and if you have opportunities .Its not fair to end it by email or phone call
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BillyB on September 09, 2018, 08:49:16 AM
She has such high hopes of coming to the US, she loves the beach and I live only 20 minutes away.. Nearly a 2 year investment and were on the last leg of the visa process :( .. If the last 10 days are an indication of what my future will be with her, I know I wont be happy, I'll be in a miserable relationship... I just don't have the heart and courage to break it off. :(  Maybe in part because of her daughter, she's been through so much heartache with 2 fathers, one who abandoned her after birth and a step dad who rejected her.  My heart tells me stick it out, but my brain tells me to cut and run. Don't know what to do :(


It would've been nice if you could've identified the issues earlier and break off the relationship. Giving up 2 years of investment is hard to do  but it sounds like you have to do it. Getting into a marriage with somebody you're not happy with is a very bad decision.

Although your fiancée doesn't speak English, she can read your body language and should've been able to tell you were unhappy at times with her. If she cared about you, she would think what could she do to make you happy. She didn't eat the spaghetti after you cooked it. She should know that you'd be unhappy. Then on top of it she insulted you by saying you just cooked a meal for kids without considering it may be acceptable for adults to eat spaghetti in your culture. FSU women are known to speak what's on their mind but there's a point where it's over the top.

Call or email the consulate in Russia and tell them you like to cancel the interview and K-1 visa. Give them your name and details. You do not need to get into a big story why you are doing it. Get to the point and ask them if there's anything more you need to do such as notifying USCIS.

Since you can't talk to your fiancée, I guess you're going to have to write her to tell her the wedding is off. If you're a gentleman, offer her financial help for 3 more months so she has time to look for a job. She's going to plead with you to reconsider but you've given her 2 years to show her best and it doesn't make you happy. There is happiness out there and when you find her, you will easily forget about this one.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 09, 2018, 09:04:36 AM
absolutly agree with  BillyB!!!
especially:
*Getting into a marriage with somebody you're not happy with is a very bad decision. *
and
*FSU women are known to speak what's on their mind but there's a point where it's over the top*

But about financial support. Its behavour of real gentleman!
But.... i dont know this woman.All women are different!  but i know some women which could think in such situation *He is still investing to me...So i have some power. He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BdHvA on September 09, 2018, 09:07:34 AM
Call or email the consulate in Russia and tell them you like to cancel the interview and K-1 visa. Give them your name and details. You do not need to get into a big story why you are doing it. Get to the point and ask them if there's anything more you need to do such as notifying USCIS.

Since you can't talk to your fiancée, I guess you're going to have to write her to tell her the wedding is off. If you're a gentleman, offer her financial help for 3 more months so she has time to look for a job. She's going to plead with you to reconsider but you've given her 2 years to show her best and it doesn't make you happy. There is happiness out there and when you find her, you will easily forget about this one.

Bill is giving good advice. It is time to move on. You are trying to save the Titanic with a bucket.

Perhaps you can locate a translator who can explain in Russian you decision to your fiancé. Equally important is the K1 visa is cancelled.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BillyB on September 09, 2018, 09:23:14 AM
But about financial support. Its behavour of real gentleman!
But.... i dont know this woman.All women are different!  but i know some women which could think in such situation *He is still investing to me...So i have some power. He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*


You are correct that a woman could think a man is not letting go if he is still investing in her by offering support financial support after breaking the relationship.

In this case I think it's the right thing for Nikolos to give temporary financial support. When his fiancee learns the K-1 visa and interview is canceled, it's her responsibility to correctly analyze what just happened and prepare for life without Nikolos. If she chooses not to find a job while getting financial support, it's not Nikolos's fault if she is jobless at the end of support.

Single FSU women have lived all their lives without us men. They have a way of surviving when we're not around. Nikolos should not worry about her survival when he's officially out of her life.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: fathertime on September 09, 2018, 09:51:46 AM
I agree with what Billyb had to say.   A little further financial assistance is very nice considering the amount of time, but yeah you probably should break it off ASAP.  If you know you are going to be miserable there is no doubt you should move on.

Her lack of flexibility on language isn't a good sign. 

You are doing her a favor in a way, unless she really didn't care and just wanted to come here regardless of whether the relationship would work or not, which probably wasn't the case. 

You sound level headed.

Fathertime! 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 09, 2018, 11:21:06 AM

Call or email the consulate in Russia and tell them you like to cancel the interview and K-1 visa. Give them your name and details. You do not need to get into a big story why you are doing it. Get to the point and ask them if there's anything more you need to do such as notifying USCIS.



Sound, sound advice. I hope you listen to it. I was exactly where you were at 15 years 8 months ago. Only thing different was I had married her in Russia. Knowing what I know now I would have offered her $10,000 to annul the marriage. She would never gotten on the plane for the US no matter what. My mistake was listening to my heart and not my head. Thinking I could make everything all right once she got here. I am telling you, LISTEN, once they get here, they hold all the cards. The laws are on her side and so is the system.


http://www.nbcwashington.com/investigations/White-House-Staffers-Meet-With-Citizens-Who-Say-They-Were-Victims-of-Marriage-Fraud-487699471.html 


You marry her, you'll be added to the list of the 84,030 Americans. And that is only in the last ten years! This has been going on for 22 years!


I know the ICE agent and I've met Elena Lopez 10 years ago. She's been fighting this issue for almost 20 years. Her Dutch husband also falsely accused her of abuse. On the night of their second wedding anniversary, when the two year requirement had past, he told her he only married her for a green card. She gave me these two photos of his love notes to her. He played her like a fiddle.


(http://farm2.staticflickr.com/1859/42765815980_9b7895a138.jpg)


(http://farm2.staticflickr.com/1890/44575755391_95286a72dc.jpg)
 
Good luck and please take Billy's advise.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 09, 2018, 04:07:34 PM
"Don't know what to do"...

Well now, the first thing is NOT to listen to ANY of us giving you relationship advice.. It's YOUR relationship  - only you can decide and we SHOULDN'T try to influence you ......You are getting opinions - we cannot really advise you.

You SHOULD have ended it while you were there and *I* also do not think you should do it via a letter -  you asked her to marry you.

I'm not American so won't comment on immigration matters

Sorry, you don't know what to do and that is only my 'opinion' ... 

Good luck






Title: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: 2tallbill on September 09, 2018, 04:58:05 PM
I'll try to keep it brief..

Corresponded with a Woman from Moscow for 20 months now, I visited her in June of 2017,
she spoke no English, but we managed communicating despite the language barrier,
2 weeks into the trip, I asked her to Marry me, she accepted...

Shortly after, she lost her job and asked if I would support her until the visa was approved,
I was very reluctant to do it, but I wanted the relationship to work and viewed it as an
investment toward the future.. I also paid for her to take a English course,

Niko,

You just tell her it's over and that's that. You don't need a strategy how, just do it.

WARNING TOUGH LOVE BELOW, SKIP OVER THIS IF YOU WANT TO READ ONLY HAPPY STUFF

Lastly, I hope that you don't ask anymore girls to marry you after spending two weeks
with them.

I really thought that Angel Eyes (my wife) was the girl for me when I first met her.
I visited her 4 times and she visited me twice for a total of over 180 days face to
face before we set a date.

We both knew far before that and we were engaged far before that, but that is what's
called getting to know each other and due diligence. Two weeks is insufficient time to
make such a commitment.

Udachi!

Bill
Title: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: 2tallbill on September 09, 2018, 05:57:21 PM
As I see it you have two options (well three)

1.)  Commit suicide.

2.)  Man up and say sorry dearie this ain't going to happen. Have a nice day.

3.)  Will let you guess.

4.) Join the gay pride parade

5.) Get off the internet, delete all your profiles, live in a hut in the woods like the unibomber

6.) Dump her and move on (same as number 3)

Title: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: 2tallbill on September 09, 2018, 06:13:17 PM

*Getting into a marriage with somebody you're not happy with is a very bad decision. *
and
*FSU women are known to speak what's on their mind but there's a point where it's over the top*

But about financial support. Its behavour of real gentleman!
But.... i dont know this woman.All women are different!  but i know some women which could think in such situation *He is still investing to me...So i have some power. He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*

I agree.

The quicker he dumps her and moves on the sooner he can find his
other half and the sooner that this girl can find her future mate.
What he is doing is delaying both of their dreams.

Some people put a lot of time, effort and resources into a girl so they
find it difficult to admit that things aren't ever going to work out, because
that means they have to start all over again. I started over again so many
times that I lost count but I still understand how difficult it can be.

Anybody who wants to read and find out how many times I started over can
read my story here and then report back.
http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=3432.0

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: GQBlues on September 09, 2018, 06:46:14 PM
 :-X

I suppose these things happen. It’s the MOB. The OP is not looking for either an advice or an opinion. He’s looking for validation so he won’t feel half as bad for doing what he’s about to do. The peanut gallery had seen this play dozens of times just different actors, is all.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 09, 2018, 07:53:09 PM
:-X

The OP is not looking for either an advice or an opinion. He’s looking for validation so he won’t feel half as bad for doing what he’s about to do.


That was my intent for him. It hurts to call it quits.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: JohnDearGreen on September 09, 2018, 08:51:11 PM
Just curious, what became of your previous 2016 relationship? (with:
>>39, pretty, blonde, blue eyes, and a real talker..)

In 2.5 years it appears you have communicated at length with 3 ladies, 
and possibly none of the 3 a good match.   From what little you have
posted here, it seems in each trip you become quickly attached to a
lady that showed interest in you, possibly without taking adequate time
to get to know her well.  What would you say is reason for this?   

So you spent 10 days with last lady.  And only communication was with
a "mobile translator"?  That doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.
What not hire an interpreter for a couple hours a day?   

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: GQBlues on September 09, 2018, 11:09:40 PM

That was my intent for him. It hurts to call it quits.

Not quite Maxx. We aren’t in the same page. There’s no ‘hurting’ on this one.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Trenchcoat on September 10, 2018, 12:20:45 AM
Just curious, what became of your previous 2016 relationship? (with:
>>39, pretty, blonde, blue eyes, and a real talker..)

In 2.5 years it appears you have communicated at length with 3 ladies, 
and possibly none of the 3 a good match.   From what little you have
posted here, it seems in each trip you become quickly attached to a
lady that showed interest in you, possibly without taking adequate time
to get to know her well.  What would you say is reason for this?   

So you spent 10 days with last lady.  And only communication was with
a "mobile translator"?  That doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.
What not hire an interpreter for a couple hours a day?   


Because he would rather give her 1k a month and do the hard work himself ;D

I think he gave her too much money from the outset. Now I know forum members won't be surprised to hear me say he should have given the minimum sum possible. I say that not because of being a tight wad as I have a reputation on here for being but because I don't believe it breeds a responsible person. Rarely does a person who receives a lot for nothing turns out well. Even if married in the early years I would avoid being overly generous as if a woman becomes too accustomed to the good life bad attitudes may develop and could make things go bad.

For jumping in quickly I don't blame him, we all want to feel that love. Experience as I have recently learned tells us to wait.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 10, 2018, 12:27:19 AM
I missed when Trench was engaged and had started the steps to arrange for his fiancee to come to the UK .
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 10, 2018, 01:36:05 AM
It would've been nice if you could've identified the issues earlier and break off the relationship.

Although your fiancée doesn't speak English, she can read your body language and should've been able to tell you were unhappy at times with her.

If you're a gentleman, offer her financial help for 3 more months so she has time to look for a job. She's going to plead with you to reconsider but you've given her 2 years to show her best and it doesn't make you happy. There is happiness out there and when you find her, you will easily forget about this one.


Yes, I regret not investing more time and living with her to see how it would work out prior to asking for her hand in marriage.. I admit that I rushed into it.
She definitely read my body language, she was crying after I took a call from the US and she saw how happy and talkative I became.
As for financial support, I'm with you on that, I was thinking 3 months or until the end of the year, work is good so I can afford it.

I appreciate the advice
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 10, 2018, 01:50:00 AM
Just curious, what became of your previous 2016 relationship? (with:
>>39, pretty, blonde, blue eyes, and a real talker..)

Great person, she came to the US with her daughter on a tourist visa, stayed with me for 30 days, Her daughter was 6 years old at the time, I didn't think it would be problem but it was, her daughter required a lot of attention, and we very little time alone, I don't blame the daughter or her, I just came to the realization that I want the attention to be on me, and that my days of raising another child are long over.. I'm 58.
 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 10, 2018, 01:51:34 AM
If she cared about you, she would think what could she do to make you happy. She didn't eat the spaghetti after you cooked it. She should know that you'd be unhappy.

Probably its off topic a little bit. But i just remembered one article i read not long time ago and  wanted to add it.
Every expiriance is great. Even if its painful and not sucsessful. This story can show us^
1)Love is not enough from time to time
2)We need the time to know each other. If you have only chatting+a few days together, dont invest much of your hopes, money and so on. Unfortantly sometimes we love our own illision that we made up, not exact person.
IMHO

http://markmanson.net/love
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 10, 2018, 01:55:55 AM
He doesnt want *to burn briges* . So we have a one more chance*

I plan to make it very clear that its over, and inform her that I canceled the Visa petition, I think that would seal it..

As a Russian Woman, maybe you can advise me on this, She has a very close friend, her best friend, we have written many times on Viber in the past, I was thinking of explaining the situation to her so she can be there for emotional support, What do you think about that?

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 10, 2018, 01:59:16 AM

For jumping in quickly I don't blame him, we all want to feel that love. Experience as I have recently learned tells us to wait.

You hit the nail on the head :)
 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 10, 2018, 02:03:42 AM
IF you had style - you'd get on a plane and tell her face to face - with a letter in Russian - that would 'seal it' ..

You need to deal with your previous actions - asking to marry you - ( and now changing your mind )  in a gentlemanly way ... 

You KNOW what you SHOULD do ..don't make excuses





Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 10, 2018, 02:28:59 AM
I plan to make it very clear that its over, and inform her that I canceled the Visa petition, I think that would seal it..

As a Russian Woman, maybe you can advise me on this, She has a very close friend, her best friend, we have written many times on Viber in the past, I was thinking of explaining the situation to her so she can be there for emotional support, What do you think about that?
I cant tell from all russian women.I think its not good idea
As for me i prefer to discuss about my relationship only with my man.
I dont like when someone is beetwen us.Even as a translator)Even the man is my ex
And if she is not very self-confident person (you said that she is selfish, usually its just other side of coin.It looks like its important for her opinion of her enviroment/approval) so it can be more offensive for her !that her friend knows the truth) You will not give her opportunity to make up a fairy story  she wants  :D :D :D

Dont feel guilty anyway!


I wish you a great love and happy marriage)))
Try to be not so fast next time)
Enjoy the time for learning each other.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 10, 2018, 02:46:11 AM
IF you had style - you'd get on a plane and tell her face to face - with a letter in Russian - that would 'seal it' ..

You need to deal with your previous actions - asking to marry you - ( and now changing your mind )  in a gentlemanly way ... 

You KNOW what you SHOULD do ..don't make excuses

As I noted earlier, I just returned from Moscow and was living in her apartment the entire time I was there, The thought of telling her face to face crossed my mind many times, What prevented me from telling her was that the unpredictability factor, she yells at her mother and has a temper worse than the Greeks, how would she react and what would she do? fear of the unknown, and here I am in a foreign country with all my personal belongings in her apartment.. I think not, I'd rather take the cowardly approach and come home safe in one piece. :)

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 10, 2018, 02:55:16 AM

Good luck and please take Billy's advise.

As much as it pains to do it, it's what I'm going to do.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 10, 2018, 03:51:36 AM
As I noted earlier, I just returned from Moscow and was living in her apartment the entire time I was there, The thought of telling her face to face crossed my mind many times, What prevented me from telling her was that the unpredictability factor, she yells at her mother and has a temper worse than the Greeks, how would she react and what would she do? fear of the unknown, and here I am in a foreign country with all my personal belongings in her apartment.. I think not, I'd rather take the cowardly approach and come home safe in one piece. :)

 :wallbash:

Honestly, GQBlues had your number ... you want 'validation'

Sorry, you won't have it from me - not that it will matter to you... !

You are the sort of guy who might make it harder for all that follow

Please, take time out from FSU W ... you REALLY do not know what you want -

IF there is a next time - might I suggest you find someone with whom you can communicate and with no kids - or grown up



Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 10, 2018, 04:38:45 AM
Not quite Maxx. We aren’t in the same page. There’s no ‘hurting’ on this one.


Maybe he is not affected or hurt by any of this. Then if he doesn't care about this woman, because he is not hurt, why would he need validation? I am trying to figure this out.



Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: pitbull on September 10, 2018, 05:29:32 AM


As a Russian Woman, maybe you can advise me on this, She has a very close friend, her best friend, we have written many times on Viber in the past, I was thinking of explaining the situation to her so she can be there for emotional support, What do you think about that?


Don't do this!
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 10, 2018, 06:38:36 AM
I missed when Trench was engaged and had started the steps to arrange for his fiancee to come to the UK .
Very dry.  :D
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 10, 2018, 06:47:15 AM
IF you had style - you'd get on a plane and tell her face to face - with a letter in Russian - that would 'seal it' ..

You need to deal with your previous actions - asking to marry you - ( and now changing your mind )  in a gentlemanly way ... 

You KNOW what you SHOULD do ..don't make excuses
+1

Honorable discharge. Be a gentleman. Actually, be a man. It's really hard to call it quits but it is best for her and for you to tell her face to face.

Sometimes men have to dig ditches in hell holes or go to war. Your task in comparison ain't so bad. So be a man. A good luck! No easy process but you'll be better on the other side.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 10, 2018, 07:47:09 AM
+1

Honorable discharge. Be a gentleman. Actually, be a man. It's really hard to call it quits but it is best for her and for you to tell her face to face.

Sometimes men have to dig ditches in hell holes or go to war. Your task in comparison ain't so bad. So be a man. A good luck! No easy process but you'll be better on the other side.


He should tell her but does he have to go back and go through all that trouble and expense?
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: fathertime on September 10, 2018, 07:51:46 AM

He should tell her but does he have to go back and go through all that trouble and expense?
Given the totality of circumstances, I also question this.   If it were a lady from downtown, or up the street it might be a different story, but making a special trip isn't necessary in my opinion.  It could be done in a well thought out letter and/or webcam too if necessary.   
 
While it is beside the point, I wonder if the lady can sense this is coming.  He likely couldn't hide his annoyance with the things he mentioned in his post.  She may sense this is coming, and may even welcome it. 

Fathertime! 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 10, 2018, 08:22:38 AM

He should tell her but does he have to go back and go through all that trouble and expense?

Maxx

This is not a normal break up - the guy asked a lady to marry him, supported her and started the process to allow her to come to his homeland.. 

'Sure' he can just write an email using google translate....  it will save him time. money and possibly a tongue lashing ...  and those that follow will be trusted even less
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 10, 2018, 08:23:07 AM
*She may sense this is coming, and may even welcome it*

if it was a Russian man )cause of he d never paid for girl that met only a few times/ eat her brain about her child/ never asked her marry him so fast/ probably even asked her *hurry up in her searching for a job ,because of things happen...he needs Octobrist*s wife*
So if things was going this way..So may welcome it!

But they had cute nice story full of sweet illusions and hopes.She will not welcome it))))

I Ask forgiveness for rude stereotypes and some ironic) Sure all the people are different. And i know many wondarful men! every is unique. And our hero is real gentleman!
But be polite and adequate in the same time. The author of this topic doesnt do something awful! He realised that she is not perfect partner for him and just want to prevent big mistake in their lives.
But it cant be pleasent dialog. Anyway it will hurt her.Who really loves beautiful love stories with unhappy end? No one woman)

But as for me i  believe that this diaolog should be face-to-face. Its not fair ask her to change all her life and after that just will send email((((

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 10, 2018, 08:42:50 AM

But as for me i  believe that this diaolog should be face-to-face. Its not fair ask her to change all her life and after that just will send email((((


I tend to agree about the face-to-face breakup. It would feel really strange knowing that after going through all the time and effort to do it it will be for a 2-5 minute breakup.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: ML on September 10, 2018, 08:54:59 AM
Not even addressing the financial costs . . .

Suggesting that someone go to the substantial time and effort to get from USA to Russia and back again, just to tell someone you have decided not to marry them . . . is ludicrous.

This woman (or any woman or man) will likely slam door in the face of anyone who arrives with message they are calling off a wedding.  There could even be worse consequences  involving physical action from the woman or her male friends/relatives, false charges leading to police contact, time in a jail, legal expense of trying to get out of jail, out of country, etc., etc., etc. 

At the very least, the person will think they are facing the most stupid person in the world who would go to the time, effort and expense to make such a trip to tell those words.

Since time immemorial, women have been writing 'Dear John' letters to men.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 10, 2018, 08:57:17 AM

But as for me i  believe that this diaolog should be face-to-face. Its not fair ask her to change all her life and after that just will send email((((

That's TWO FSU ladies.telling Nikolos what he won't want to hear .... 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BillyB on September 10, 2018, 09:32:04 AM

Don't do this!

I agree with Pitbull. Don't bring her friend into this. Don't bring anybody she knows into this. Your breakup with her after 2 years of being in a relationship and now engaged with a visa interview coming up is humiliating. Let her tell the story to her friends and family the way she wants.

Suggesting that someone go to the substantial time and effort to get from USA to Russia and back again, just to tell someone you have decided not to marry them . . . is ludicrous.

This woman (or any woman or man) will likely slam door in the face of anyone who arrives with message they are calling off a wedding.  There could even be worse consequences  involving physical action from the woman or her male friends/relatives, false charges leading to police contact, time in a jail, legal expense of trying to get out of jail, out of country, etc., etc., etc. 


Agree with ML. Nikolos is already back home. Nothing good can come from a face to face meeting now. Only bad. Giving her some financial support before she finds a job is proof enough Nikolos is being a gentleman. She'd prefer the money he would've spent on the trip to see her anyway.

In the FSU, when a person breaks up with you, it's abrupt and quick. Being sensitive and compassionate to the person that is getting dumped rarely happens. I don't feel sorry for Nikolos's finacee. She failed to make him happy and/or failed to prove she's wife material after two years of knowing him.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 10, 2018, 09:33:08 AM
Not even addressing the financial costs . . .

Suggesting that someone go to the substantial time and effort to get from USA to Russia and back again, just to tell someone you have decided not to marry them . . . is ludicrous.

This woman (or any woman or man) will likely slam door in the face of anyone who arrives with message they are calling off a wedding.  There could even be worse consequences  involving physical action from the woman or her male friends/relatives, false charges leading to police contact, time in a jail, legal expense of trying to get out of jail, out of country, etc., etc., etc. 

At the very least, the person will think they are facing the most stupid person in the world who would go to the time, effort and expense to make such a trip to tell those words.

Since time immemorial, women have been writing 'Dear John' letters to men.


You are only using logic ML.


Think if the shoe was on the other foot? A RW/UW decides she isn't interested in the man. She wants to call it off. So she gets a visa because she can as she has traveled to the US before. Then she travels to him letting him know she wants to meet with him when she gets there. They have dinner at a nice restaurant with lots of people around. She does this for her safety of course. She tells him. She has a taxi waiting for her outside to take her to the airport. 9-1-1 is on her speed dial. Off she goes and 24 hours later, after a few layovers, her plane touches down at SVO2.   :popcorn: 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nightwish on September 10, 2018, 10:05:35 AM
Break up, move on - but take a long break figuring out what the hell you really want first.

What speaks against you is that you didn't man up and do it face to face while you where there, it could have been done the last day on your way to the airport and that would have taken care of everything.

Doing it with a "dear john" letter - now-  is really the cowards way out.

I can understand the logistic part now is a pain, but you REALLY should have taken care of this when you were already there and you had these feelings, Russia is full of hotels.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: GQBlues on September 10, 2018, 10:10:33 AM
This thread shouldn't have to take this long...Instead of concentrating on the (obvious) consequence of an obvious stupid beginning...

Quote
Corresponded with a Woman from Moscow for 20 months now, I visited her in June of 2017, she spoke no English, but we managed communicating despite the language barrier, 2 weeks into the trip, I asked her to Marry me, she accepted...


...it should've stopped from the first paragraph.

Everything since this point is academic. It has NOTHING whatsoever to do whether he should tell her face-to-face, or just walk away. The OP didn't have the balls to end it because he feared facing her wrath. IMHO, it had long confirmed to me that the character of the OP is equal to when a marriage proposal was easily departed for the sheer purposes of getting laid.

Unfortunately, as it always the case in the MOB, it is heavily populated by socially inept WMs making life changing decisions on the fly. That's all this is at best. At worst, he's nothing but an opportunistic sex touring gringo because, well, he can. In the process of such stupidity, WMs would love nothing but find alliances with how 'wrong and evil' these FSUWs can be for sheer validation and justification of their inept actions/intent...

We lay witness to these instances countless times.

It's the MOB.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 10, 2018, 10:20:04 AM


It may have dawned on him he should call it off after he got back. Somethings take a while to sink in. This is especially true of hard choices. So much time and money was invested.


This board becomes misandrist on account of all the alpha males here. A former poster pointed that out to me.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 10, 2018, 10:25:44 AM
What certain posters just don't get is the guy asked her to marry him, has kicked off immigration processes and had the chance to 'sort out the mess' - before he left

Nikolos could call - tell his fiance that he regrets leaving under a cloud and get the last shag he's going to get from a FSU W for a long while - but when the pots and  pans fly - he'll thank me as he'll save on the 1 k month - x 3  'It'll make me feel good about myself' money ... 

He could even hang around and meet his next venture.... on a VM trip ...

 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 10, 2018, 08:14:01 PM
The way in which one responds to adversity says a lot about their character - and can build or diminish it.

IMO if he is unwilling to face the wrath and discomfort of a break-up in person then he'll never have a healthy relationship and can forget future FSUW - or all women. So it is as much about him as it is about her.

Flights are not that expensive. Travel on a long weekend, then time is not really an issue. I don't think a VM trip is a good idea as he doesn't seem ready to meet another woman. Better off visiting ladies of the night if he wants a shag. However, if he's got a bunch of make-up kits and wants to hit the villages, then...  ;)
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 10, 2018, 10:31:58 PM

You are only using logic ML.


Think if the shoe was on the other foot? A RW/UW decides she isn't interested in the man. She wants to call it off. So she gets a visa because she can as she has traveled to the US before. Then she travels to him letting him know she wants to meet with him when she gets there. They have dinner at a nice restaurant with lots of people around. She does this for her safety of course. She tells him. She has a taxi waiting for her outside to take her to the airport. 9-1-1 is on her speed dial. Off she goes and 24 hours later, after a few layovers, her plane touches down at SVO2.   :popcorn:

I like this virsion)
But I would add some Mysterious Russian soul to this story)) After she tells him. She has a taxi waiting for her outside to take her to * nobody knows where..*.She stays at the darkness little cosy cafe, reads her favorite book by (probably) Max Fray, drinks some coffee (or vodka), thinks about how many moments they had, enjoys her sorrow, looks up through the window from time to time with some tears and smile on her face, deletes his number from her phone and after that goes to airport)))) :D
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 10, 2018, 10:41:56 PM
I don't think a VM trip is a good idea

Tongue was planted very firmly in cheek
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 10, 2018, 10:44:06 PM
I like this virsion)
But I would add some Mysterious Russian soul to this story)) After she tells him. She has a taxi waiting for her outside to take her to * nobody knows where..*.She stays at the darkness little cosy cafe, reads her favorite book by (probably) Max Fray, drinks some coffee (or vodka), thinks about how many moments they had, enjoys her sorrow, looks up through the window from time to time with some tears and smile on her face, deletes his number from her phone and after that goes to airport)))) :D
Maybe you should write a screenplay Marina...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVpmZnRIMKs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g-p1d8H02o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR-1QGMK75c

... but I am guessing you are too young to know these. So create your own story.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 10, 2018, 10:50:59 PM
i like these movies! I am 30. So its a part of my culture.Nowdays most of russians watch @ирония судьбы@ every year on their NY holidays. I am not exception)
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 10, 2018, 10:55:09 PM
Tongue was planted very firmly in cheek
I had a travel romance years ago. Met a girl, fell for her and tried a long-distance relationship. When it was faltering decided to visit her for a month. Got my visa, booked my apartment and flew to see her. Two days in it was clear she had moved on, so had four weeks of partying and chasing skirt. And the skirt was good. To be young again...

No engagement rings were involved though, so as always context matters.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Trenchcoat on September 10, 2018, 11:20:10 PM
I also think Nikolos should do break up by email. Words can be carefully chosen in Email and can be put in a sensitive way so as not to humiliate the receiver. There is also less likelyhood for the woman in others knowing about it - what about neighbours finding out about it if it turns into a shouting match if only on her part. This type if fallout is often given as a reason women don't want a guy to visit in her hometown. The fact that Nikolos is from the US not western Europe is another reason it's ridiculous to make the journey.

I think a lot of guys aren't great on social skills doing this venture (yes like myself) but learn along the way. They get the relationships out in the FSU that they wouldn't get at home. Sure some of this social inepetness mat make give some women a certain negative view on WM and may tell others. However, I think the damage is minimal if you consider the vast numbers of women out there in the FSU. Younger girls move up in age into International dating territory each year, other girls find a local guy or give up on dating, other girls break up with a local guy, gets divorced or he dies through alcolism and they start looking at WM. So I think the selection of FSW looking for a WM is refreshed quite often. Some places where a lot of WM visit might gain a reputation amount local women but to say one relationship here or there is going to make it harder for those that follow I don't think is always true unless it's a very well trodden location in a small city.

Te way I see it this woman has little to complain about. She has been supported for quite some time on 1k a month which even in Moscow is probably pretty decent money which she is probably living pretty well off perhaps even banking some of it if she has any sense. On this front I would say to Nikolos to just send her one extra month on top of this month's payment in advance and explain that will be it, there will be no further money. He should explain that he is giving the extra month payment in case she had already committed herself to anything in expectation of that money. Any further problems or issues of a financial matter are not of his concern. Three months more would just drag it out and is too much. Like has been said she survived before so she will do again.

I think Nikolos muffed it up in the beginning by being too generous too early. As I have found in this venture as a newbie you make mistakes through lacking experience. At each mistake it's a case of 'return to Go' on the great FSU dating board game and start over. Over time guus get more experience and get it more right so long as they learn from the mistakes. The fact that inexperienced guys make mistakes on a game they are unfamiliar with is to be expected.

I think they quicker Nikolos can end this now by email so that everyone can move on with the minimum of disturbane possible the best for all concerned.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 11, 2018, 12:01:11 AM
I also think Nikolos should do break up by email.

Well now, going by Trench's expertise on the dating front - Nikolos knows what to do for the best ;)

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: jone on September 11, 2018, 12:04:55 AM
i like these movies! I am 30. So its a part of my culture.Nowdays most of russians watch @ирония судьбы@ every year on their NY holidays. I am not exception)

One of my favorites..... 

One should always watch the classics.  Just so you don't follow Zhenya's drinking habits.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 11, 2018, 12:20:02 AM
I think it was Mendy that posted la link to watch classic MosFilms with understandable subtitles..

Here's the starting point:

http://www.youtube.com/user/mosfilm (http://www.youtube.com/user/mosfilm)

I must thank rwd123 - for the links - I've never watched "Ирония судьбы, или С легким паром"..

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 11, 2018, 01:45:58 AM
I think it was Mendy that posted la link to watch classic MosFilms with understandable subtitles..

Here's the starting point:

http://www.youtube.com/user/mosfilm (http://www.youtube.com/user/mosfilm)

I must thank rwd123 - for the links - I've never watched "Ирония судьбы, или С легким паром"..
I normally don't like romance films, but these are good. As was the style at the time, many are in two parts.

I'm just trying to think how you'd pen an email to break up with a fiancée:

Здравствуй, моя любовь!
Кароткие до свидания.
Конец

I mean that has to be romantic because every romance film ends with "Конец". I'm sure Marina has something more poetic.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 11, 2018, 03:46:43 AM
Maybe you should write a screenplay Marina...



I was thinking before I read your post Rwd123 that Marina can be my co-writer. I write the generalized story, and she puts the polish on it.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 11, 2018, 04:15:04 AM
I normally don't like romance films, but these are good. As was the style at the time, many are in two parts.

I'm just trying to think how you'd pen an email to break up with a fiancée:

Здравствуй, моя любовь!
Кароткие до свидания.
Конец

I mean that has to be romantic because every romance film ends with "Конец". I'm sure Marina has something more poetic.

 Voila! :-*

Здравствуй, моя любовь!
В длинной нашей истории-
короткие «до свиданья»
Больно от собственных слов…
И я не ищу оправданья
Я-не подонок, не лжец!
Я,как и все- человек,
И мне свойственно ошибаться
Свет наших чувств померк.
Нам время пришло прощаться.
Прощай и... прости, любовь!
Тебя не свожу под венец.
Мне сложно, но я готов
Признать, что это КОНЕЦ.

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: John Gaunt on September 11, 2018, 04:38:43 AM
I also think Nikolos should do break up by email. Words can be carefully chosen in Email and can be put in a sensitive way so as not to humiliate the receiver. There is also less likelyhood for the woman in others knowing about it - what about neighbours finding out about it if it turns into a shouting match if only on her part. This type if fallout is often given as a reason women don't want a guy to visit in her hometown. The fact that Nikolos is from the US not western Europe is another reason it's ridiculous to make the journey.

I think a lot of guys aren't great on social skills doing this venture (yes like myself) but learn along the way. They get the relationships out in the FSU that they wouldn't get at home. Sure some of this social inepetness mat make give some women a certain negative view on WM and may tell others. However, I think the damage is minimal if you consider the vast numbers of women out there in the FSU. Younger girls move up in age into International dating territory each year, other girls find a local guy or give up on dating, other girls break up with a local guy, gets divorced or he dies through alcolism and they start looking at WM. So I think the selection of FSW looking for a WM is refreshed quite often. Some places where a lot of WM visit might gain a reputation amount local women but to say one relationship here or there is going to make it harder for those that follow I don't think is always true unless it's a very well trodden location in a small city.

Te way I see it this woman has little to complain about. She has been supported for quite some time on 1k a month which even in Moscow is probably pretty decent money which she is probably living pretty well off perhaps even banking some of it if she has any sense. On this front I would say to Nikolos to just send her one extra month on top of this month's payment in advance and explain that will be it, there will be no further money. He should explain that he is giving the extra month payment in case she had already committed herself to anything in expectation of that money. Any further problems or issues of a financial matter are not of his concern. Three months more would just drag it out and is too much. Like has been said she survived before so she will do again.

I think Nikolos muffed it up in the beginning by being too generous too early. As I have found in this venture as a newbie you make mistakes through lacking experience. At each mistake it's a case of 'return to Go' on the great FSU dating board game and start over. Over time guus get more experience and get it more right so long as they learn from the mistakes. The fact that inexperienced guys make mistakes on a game they are unfamiliar with is to be expected.

I think they quicker Nikolos can end this now by email so that everyone can move on with the minimum of disturbane possible the best for all concerned.
Ah, Trench offering up his misers advice again.
The poor man doth spake.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 11, 2018, 05:19:04 AM
Voila! :-*

Здравствуй, моя любовь!
В длинной нашей истории-
короткие «до свиданья»
Больно от собственных слов…
И я не ищу оправданья
Я-не подонок, не лжец!
Я,как и все- человек,
И мне свойственно ошибаться
Свет наших чувств померк.
Нам время пришло прощаться.
Прощай и... прости, любовь!
Тебя не свожу под венец.
Мне сложно, но я готов
Признать, что это КОНЕЦ.

I'll bet we see that template used a few times over the years ((
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nightwish on September 11, 2018, 05:27:16 AM
I also think Nikolos should do break up by email. Words can be carefully chosen in Email and can be put in a sensitive way so as not to humiliate the receiver. There is also less likelyhood for the woman in others knowing about it - what about neighbours finding out about it if it turns into a shouting match if only on her part. This type if fallout is often given as a reason women don't want a guy to visit in her hometown. The fact that Nikolos is from the US not western Europe is another reason it's ridiculous to make the journey.


No what is ridiculous is that you - and a couple of other social misfits here - say that he should do it by distance.

He asked her to marry him  and started a K1 Visa - that is reason enough.
Quote
2 weeks into the trip, I asked her to Marry me, she accepted...
Without this commitment, I would say - drop her a message and move on, no promised made, you have no obligations. But THIS is just taking it too far to just send a "Deer John" letter.

He seems to have already before his trip home decided - this is not going to work
Quote
Needless to say it was a disaster and I couldn't wait to get back on the plane.
Quote
I just don't have the heart and courage to break it off.

So if he has to spend a whole weekend and a couple of thousand dollars to correct the error he did when he was present in her country, so be it.. being a coward should cost you.

Any other "advice" is plain rubbish.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 11, 2018, 06:03:17 AM
I'll bet we see that template used a few times over the years ((
That's quite possibly the funniest thing I have read on this forum.

But you know, Marina whipped that out fairly quickly, so maybe she's dug that out of an old email sent to Boris or Ivan...  :P
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: jone on September 11, 2018, 10:34:43 AM
No what is ridiculous is that you - and a couple of other social misfits here - say that he should do it by distance.

He asked her to marry him  and started a K1 Visa - that is reason enough.
Without this commitment, I would say - drop her a message and move on, no promised made, you have no obligations. But THIS is just taking it too far to just send a "Deer John" letter.

He seems to have already before his trip home decided - this is not going to work
So if he has to spend a whole weekend and a couple of thousand dollars to correct the error he did when he was present in her country, so be it.. being a coward should cost you.

Any other "advice" is plain rubbish.

I'm just curious.  Do you think that by traveling around the globe just to tell a woman that you don't want to marry her is going to make her feel better about it?
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: 2tallbill on September 11, 2018, 10:50:55 AM
i like these movies! I am 30. So its a part of my culture.Nowdays most of russians watch @ирония судьбы@ every year on their NY holidays. I am not exception)

I have a 3 year old now. Of his shows I like Masha i Medved and Pin Code.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: mhr7 on September 11, 2018, 11:11:10 AM
I'm just curious.  Do you think that by traveling around the globe just to tell a woman that you don't want to marry her is going to make her feel better about it?

I've had the same curiosity.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nightwish on September 11, 2018, 11:18:18 AM
I'm just curious.  Do you think that by traveling around the globe just to tell a woman that you don't want to marry her is going to make her feel better about it?

Nope, but she will probably - in time - see the value in this, and that is - maybe - something she will carry with her when she talks about this with her all her friends, something that they then tell their friends.. you see where this is going.

And maybe that will be a good thing for the "next" guy that comes to Russia to ask a woman to marry her.

If there is one thing men seeking women abroad don't need, it's more bad reputation.

and the other upside, an expensive lesson to someone who ask a woman to marry her after knowing her only two weeks.  He wont probable do that again...
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: jone on September 11, 2018, 11:38:59 AM
Nope, but she will probably - in time - see the value in this, and that is - maybe - something she will carry with her when she talks about this with her all her friends, something that they then tell their friends.. you see where this is going.

And maybe that will be a good thing for the "next" guy that comes to Russia to ask a woman to marry her.

If there is one thing men seeking women abroad don't need, it's more bad reputation.

and the other upside, an expensive lesson to someone who ask a woman to marry her after knowing her only two weeks.  He wont probable do that again...

Ahh,  an optimist.

He's already done more than most guys would. 

You live in Sweden.  You're already in Europe.  The flight time is not inconsequential but certainly less than flying across the big pond.  I live in Los Angeles.  It is one hellishly long flight.

While I agree that it was wrong of the guy to ask her to marry him so early, strategically these women have no idea what a task it is to present oneself on their doorstep. 

My personal opinion is that by waiting to fly to Russiya, it is prolonging something that should be done quickly, but with grace and tact.  You imbue qualities in the woman that may not necessarily exist.  Done from a perspective of chivalry, a quality few share with you.   But, ultimately, I think that the breakup should occur immediately, once the decision is made.  So that both may get on with their lives.

Do you think if the roles were reversed, the Russian woman would not tell the man over a Skype connection?  She would. 

So you endorse a self inflicted punishment on the man for deciding too early that he wanted to marry the woman and then, upon finding they had nothing in common, changed his mind.

I have favorable thoughts about some of the women who have broken up with me.   And none of them were particularly tactful about the way they went about it.  The world is a big world.  Who can say how this breakup will impact the future of the woman's or the man's life?   I can't.  And neither can you. 

So, this whole idea of flying to Russia to explain to the lady why you can't marry her in my mind is superflous.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nightwish on September 11, 2018, 11:58:24 AM
Ahh,  an optimist.

He's already done more than most guys would. 

You live in Sweden.  You're already in Europe.  The flight time is not inconsequential but certainly less than flying across the big pond.  I live in Los Angeles.  It is one hellishly long flight.

While I agree that it was wrong of the guy to ask her to marry him so early, strategically these women have no idea what a task it is to present oneself on their doorstep. 

My personal opinion is that by waiting to fly to Russiya, it is prolonging something that should be done quickly, but with grace and tact.  You imbue qualities in the woman that may not necessarily exist.  Done from a perspective of chivalry, a quality few share with you.   But, ultimately, I think that the breakup should occur immediately, once the decision is made.  So that both may get on with their lives.

Do you think if the roles were reversed, the Russian woman would not tell the man over a Skype connection?  She would. 

So you endorse a self inflicted punishment on the man for deciding too early that he wanted to marry the woman and then, upon finding they had nothing in common, changed his mind.

I have favorable thoughts about some of the women who have broken up with me.   And none of them were particularly tactful about the way they went about it.  The world is a big world.  Who can say how this breakup will impact the future of the woman's or the man's life?   I can't.  And neither can you. 

So, this whole idea of flying to Russia to explain to the lady why you can't marry her in my mind is superflous.

I could agree with your opinion if it wasn't for that small fact that he had decided about this before he even left her in Russia, now he is just being a selfish coward seeking approval to end this in distance, and I wont give that to him.

I really don't care where is he from, if he has 1 hour flight or 100 hours of flight, he put himself in this situation.

Lets say I had met and engaged a Filipina (which I almost did a few years ago) and  then decided on a trip there, naah I don't want this because of this and that reason... no way in hell I would keep on endure the time with her there, just waiting for the flight home, and then go and ponder how I will tell her it's off.

I would do it while I was still there - as he had the chance to do - or go back and do the honorable thing.

but yes, that is my own opinion, it just happens to be the only right opinion also  :)
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: jone on September 11, 2018, 12:09:29 PM
Yeah.  Well.  You can have your opinion, but just because you have it doesn't make it right. 

I know many Russian women.   They are quite matter-of-fact as a whole.  Some would consider that to be less sensitive.  I happen to view it as pragmatic.   

The pragmatic thing to do is to end the relationship.  Quickly.   Before more time passes. 

So, we have two opinions here.  Mine and yours.   Yours costs the guy thousands of dollars.  But you advocate it that because he didn't tell her that he wanted to break up with her when he was there.  I can tell you, from experience, that such decisions are arrived at, not decided.  While he may have had the thoughts while he was in Russia, it is quite possible that they didn't coalesce until he was making the trip back.

But, by all means, tell the guy to spend the money.  Fly to Russia.  He gets there.  Tells her that he doesn't want to marry her.  She looks at him and says; "Why did you fly all the way to Russia to tell me that?"  He says; "Because it was the honorable thing to do."   She says; "You are wasting my time here."

That scenario above is very likely.   Time you learned about Russian women.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nightwish on September 11, 2018, 12:24:20 PM
Yeah.  Well.  You can have your opinion, but just because you have it doesn't make it right. 

I know many Russian women.   They are quite matter-of-fact as a whole.  Some would consider that to be less sensitive.  I happen to view it as pragmatic.   

The pragmatic thing to do is to end the relationship.  Quickly.   Before more time passes. 

So, we have two opinions here.  Mine and yours.   Yours costs the guy thousands of dollars.  But you advocate it that because he didn't tell her that he wanted to break up with her when he was there.  I can tell you, from experience, that such decisions are arrived at, not decided.  While he may have had the thoughts while he was in Russia, it is quite possible that they didn't coalesce until he was making the trip back.

But, by all means, tell the guy to spend the money.  Fly to Russia.  He gets there.  Tells her that he doesn't want to marry her.  She looks at him and says; "Why did you fly all the way to Russia to tell me that?"  He says; "Because it was the honorable thing to do."   She says; "You are wasting my time here."

That scenario above is very likely.   Time you learned about Russian women.

 :cheesy: and you don't think I know? I am engaged to one.

And your scenario is most likely what will happen, but that is beside the point I am making.
I don't give his discomfort or expenses any consideration.

I am saying this for "the next one out there".
Am I an optimist - yes, do I consider doing the honorable thing triumphs everything else - yes.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: jone on September 11, 2018, 12:25:45 PM
:cheesy: and you don't think I know? I am engaged to one.

And your scenario is most likely what will happen, but that is beside the point I am making.
I don't give his discomfort or expenses any consideration.

I am saying this for "the next one out there".
Am I an optimist - yes, do I consider doing the honorable thing triumphs everything else - yes.

I tip my hat to you, my friend.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Hammer2722 on September 11, 2018, 01:08:18 PM
I tip my hat to you, my friend.


I'm with Jone on this one. End it now and move on. Next time, don't be in such a hurry to propose to a complete stranger..... :rolleyes:
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: mhr7 on September 11, 2018, 01:32:22 PM
Do you think if the roles were reversed, the Russian woman would not tell the man over a Skype connection?  She would. 

She'd do it in a heartbeat. I agree with you, there's no reason to go through the time and expense to do this in person. There's absolutely no dis-honor in doing this by distance at all.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Trenchcoat on September 11, 2018, 02:20:17 PM
Ah, Trench offering up his misers advice again.
The poor man doth spake.

I don't consider it poor man's advice it's advice I would follow even as a rich man. I've seen that bringing money into a dating situation with a FSW rarely seems to work out well. Krimster is a guy that knows how to use he's wealth in the FSU. Most guys, particularly newbies don't know how to use it. I know this because I have misused using wealth and as a result know that you don't have to be taken (or give) much out there for it to start working against you. In the FSU a little wealth is a lot if wealth. That's not to say they are  all dirt poor, some are but more about how you will be perceived by being generous to be nice. Being nice to be generous ra rely seems to be rewarded out there.

Nightwish:
I think this woman has done well enough in receiving 1k a month just on the basis of a marriage proposal/engagement. So she has nothing to complain or badmouth WM over, she did well enough out of it. Relationships end all the time at various stages by various means. Would a woman pay 1k to a man a month if the situation was reversed? Would she travel on a 15 hour plus journey to break it off? or would she just email? Or would she just cut communication altogether as some posters have found on here - the woman just deletes them of her phone and moves on. What about WM that get treated badly by FSW or who get dumped after engagement or whatever? Why do we always berate the actions of us men on here and overlook women. A women many posters on her will say 'She's allowed to do that because...' or 'Its up to her how she choses...' - Boethius perhaps. When it comes to the man though apparently the same does not apply to him???

I say if Nikolos wants to break up by a polite, decent and thoughtful email that is an entirely proper thing for him to do. There is no shame in that or need to run the gauntlet of pain and frustration by going all the way there. Aside from it being entirely unnecessary it is wasting good resources after something that is done and has no mileage left in it, a totally pointless affair. Just let it be done with and move on I say.

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: GenMish on September 11, 2018, 02:44:41 PM
Humour Break

This is an old Babushka Tale I remembered when the OP detailed the bathing ritual his fiancée required


It seems there was an older wealthy Russian gentleman that went to Paris for his summer vacation. When he returned , he brought back the most beautiful young French Girl to be his future wife. She was the talk of the village for weeks, her beauty was stunning, manners perfect, and dressed finer than any lady in the region.
  After 3 weeks, the Russian gentleman sent her back to France. The Village was perplexed. His friends asked WHY did he send her home. His reply, "She was too dirty"

His friends were shocked. They said that she looked very clean, how can you say she was too dirty? His reply, "She bathed 3 times a day. Anyone that bathes three times a day must be dirty"
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: ML on September 11, 2018, 03:34:56 PM
Actually this would not be the bathing routine for typical French woman.
Remember Napoleon to Josephine.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BillyB on September 11, 2018, 04:16:26 PM
he had decided about this before he even left her in Russia, now he is just being a selfish coward seeking approval to end this in distance, and I wont give that to him.


 Is he a coward or simply scared of what will happen after he dumps her? He was staying in her apartment. I don't think he could safely sleep at night the rest of his visit if he dumped her.

He met her mother for the first time last visit. He then learned  she yells at her mother and has a temper worse than the Greeks. That scared him. Nobody should marry a person that scares them.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: tfcrew on September 11, 2018, 04:53:06 PM
she loves the beach and I live only 20 minutes away..
  Maybe in part because of her daughter,  My heart tells me stick it out, but my brain tells me to cut and run. Don't know what to do
Where is this beach?
Where do marriage vows state 'Do you take this woman and her entire family...'?
'Don't know what to do'?...not ready for marriage anyway.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: GQBlues on September 11, 2018, 05:27:34 PM
Where is this beach?
Where do marriage vows state 'Do you take this woman and her entire family...'?
'Don't know what to do'?...not ready for marriage anyway.


It's italicized and in between *To have and to hold' and 'In richness and in health*. It's really tiny. You almost have to squint your eyes and view it in a well-lighted room.

Of course it also depends on which edition your certificate is written on - opposite page from the signature line. Tough to find if you're not looking for it.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 12, 2018, 04:18:47 AM

Maybe he is not affected or hurt by any of this. Then if he doesn't care about this woman, because he is not hurt, why would he need validation? I am trying to figure this out.

I don't need validation, I'm think what I'm looking for is a way to end it, to lessen the pain as much as possible, I have feelings for her, if I didn't it would be a lot easier to do.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 12, 2018, 04:52:32 AM
I don't need validation, I'm think what I'm looking for is a way to end it, to lessen the pain as much as possible, I have feelings for her, if I didn't it would be a lot easier to do.


Up thread from my quote it was speculated that you needed validation and you were not hurt by any of this. To me this didn't make sense. These are two contradictory ideas if they came from one source. People are trying to figure you out. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Others often don't. Others are biased towards RW/UW and I have been accused of being biased towards Western men. I tend to stay out of these types of discussions and discussions of politics.


Somebody said your fiancee would scream at her mother. I was engaged to an American woman when I was quite young. Nineteen to be exact. She was 23. Once I asked her why her voice was hoarse. She said she had been yelling at her mother. My parents had gotten into several arguments over the years that I remember. But they never got to the volume of making either one of them hoarse. Dad went out and took a walk or went to the movies with me along. Anyway it made me wonder about my fiancee. I married her anyway because you're pretty dumb at 19. She's an ex now, so you can figure it out.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 12, 2018, 04:57:39 AM
I agree with Pitbull. Don't bring her friend into this. Don't bring anybody she knows into this. Your breakup with her after 2 years of being in a relationship and now engaged with a visa interview coming up is humiliating. Let her tell the story to her friends and family the way she wants.

Agree with ML. Nikolos is already back home. Nothing good can come from a face to face meeting now. Only bad. Giving her some financial support before she finds a job is proof enough Nikolos is being a gentleman. She'd prefer the money he would've spent on the trip to see her anyway.

In the FSU, when a person breaks up with you, it's abrupt and quick. Being sensitive and compassionate to the person that is getting dumped rarely happens. I don't feel sorry for Nikolos's finacee. She failed to make him happy and/or failed to prove she's wife material after two years of knowing him.

I didn't think of the humiliation factor, The only reason I thought of bringing her friend into it is to be there for emotional support, not to do my talking for me or anything like that, but your right, it's probably not a good idea overall.. When she got upset with the way I was talking to my friend on the phone, how happy and talkative I was, I went into the shower and could hear her crying out loud to her friend on the phone, She's definitely knows their trouble and she's worried, The day before I left she asked for the support money of $500 one week early and I gladly gave it, (I send her 2 payments of $500 a month), and later she asked what the next step is for the visa process, and I told her.. She's been through 2 divorces and her Mother has raised her daughter since birth so she could work, quite common is Russia.. She wants a better and easier life, plain and simple and I wish I could give it to her but I know the marriage would fall apart soon after she's here, I know her and I know myself, no way it's going to work.. My biggest mistake was not taking more time to get to know her, to live with her like I just did before proposing marriage, looking back it was stupid on my part, and I brought all this on myself.

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 12, 2018, 05:16:06 AM
I could agree with your opinion if it wasn't for that small fact that he had decided about this before he even left her in Russia, now he is just being a selfish coward seeking approval to end this in distance, and I wont give that to him.


Let me clear, I'm not seeking your approval or anyone else's here, I'm seeking advice and I received plenty of it here, which has been extremely helpful.. As for the coward label? YES! I'd much rather be labeled a coward as opposed to potentially having a butcher knife stuck in my back 7000 miles away from home, I'm sure my 2 kids wont mind that label either.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 12, 2018, 07:48:36 AM
Let me clear, I'm not seeking your approval or anyone else's here, I'm seeking advice and I received plenty of it here, which has been extremely helpful.. As for the coward label? YES! I'd much rather be labeled a coward as opposed to potentially having a butcher knife stuck in my back 7000 miles away from home, I'm sure my 2 kids wont mind that label either.


Is her temper that much?
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nightwish on September 12, 2018, 07:58:07 AM

"Hear ye, hear ye!"

An continuations "excuse" I read here not to do it in face to face is to be exposed to the woman's anger and risk bodily harm the next night  - seems like hotels are a new concept to you....
:cluebat:

I can give a tip to all you about a great site: booking.com

Or simply go out on the street, I'm 100% sure that there are a large number of hotels even in Moscow that can be found withing walking distance or by taxi.

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on September 12, 2018, 08:13:41 AM
"Hear ye, hear ye!"

An continuations "excuse" I read here not to do it in face to face is to be exposed to the woman's anger and risk bodily harm the next night  - seems like hotels are a new concept to you....
 :cluebat:

I can give a tip to all you about a great site: booking.com

Or simply go out on the street, I'm 100% sure that there are a large number of hotels even in Moscow that can be found withing walking distance or by taxi.


I've seen men who have confronted women, spoke their words and wound up in jail. If she has a white hot temper then it would be best to drop the news on her with an ocean and 8 to 11 times zones in between.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BillyB on September 12, 2018, 10:15:56 AM
I'm 100% sure that there are a large number of hotels even in Moscow that can be found withing walking distance or by taxi.


The woman screams at her mom the first time she introduces her man to her parent and cries when her man is on the phone happily talking to a friend. She's got mental issues. How do you think she's going to react when her man is packing his bags before going to a hotel? Finding a hotel is not the problem here. Just trying to get out without further drama is.

I've seen men who have confronted women, spoke their words and wound up in jail. If she has a white hot temper then it would be best to drop the news on her with an ocean and 8 to 11 times zones in between.


Guys go to jail for confronting a woman. I heard their stories too. I tell them walk away without saying a word. Don't escalate any situation. Never go back to those women.

There's nothing good that can come if Nikolos flies back to his fiancée to have a one on one talk with her about breaking up, only bad. If she can explode on her mother for something little, I can imagine her ripping Nikolos's eyeballs out, kicking him in the balls when he's not looking and having the police rid her apartment of the "problem".
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: GenMish on September 12, 2018, 12:48:45 PM
IMHO
Even if it is the noble thing to do, Nick isn't flying back to Moscow to break up with her. It would be foolhearty to try to convince him to do so. I dont think it helps to make him feel guilty. He had his chance when he was there, and didnt.

 Nick not only proposed too early, but WORSE let it develop to such a late stage that his fiancée structured her whole life for him after the K1 Visa process began. I will speculate that she 'lost' her job because she thought she was going to leave Russia and live the Orange County dream in a city like Irvine or Mission Viejo only '20 minutes from the beach' with a husband that has a good income(per his admission) to support her and her child


I am guessing Nick initially had good intentions, and is making the right choice in ending it. Its the right choice for both people and their children. An unhappy marriage would devastate the children.

But I think what Nick is asking is, What are his obligations to her to break it off? And we cant say because we don't know what promises he might have made, or if she was too foolish to gamble on Nick following through


Lets be rational...If Nick breaks up with her, will he continue to support her till the end of the year as he has claimed he would?

Doesn't his fiancée have some burden? Nick seems to feel that the relationship is not compatible, cant she see that too?

imo
If Nick follows through and supports her till year end, a breakup over Skype is OK
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 12, 2018, 02:41:29 PM

Is her temper that much?

The times that she was angry with me, she venting for over an hour, If she drinks wine, it will last as long as 4 hours.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 12, 2018, 02:58:11 PM

Lets be rational...If Nick breaks up with her, will he continue to support her till the end of the year as he has claimed he would?


You're very attentive, spot on in a many areas.. I have no problem supporting her until she finds a job, but I wouldn't carry it into the new year, she's highly educated and theirs no reason she couldn't find a job in that time.. You are right though, when I returned after the first trip and proposed, she started crying about her job, the metro and wanting to quit.

I care for her daughter very much, I couldn't abandon the financial support, this is not about money for me, it's about making things right and achieving my goal of finding happiness.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Trenchcoat on September 12, 2018, 03:25:25 PM
The woman screams at her mom the first time she introduces her man to her parent and cries when her man is on the phone happily talking to a friend. She's got mental issues. How do you think she's going to react when her man is packing his bags before going to a hotel? Finding a hotel is not the problem here. Just trying to get out without further drama is.

Guys go to jail for confronting a woman. I heard their stories too. I tell them walk away without saying a word. Don't escalate any situation. Never go back to those women.

There's nothing good that can come if Nikolos flies back to his fiancée to have a one on one talk with her about breaking up, only bad. If she can explode on her mother for something little, I can imagine her ripping Nikolos's eyeballs out, kicking him in the balls when he's not looking and having the police rid her apartment of the "problem".

I think this is very true Billy. She is likely to not react well to losing the financial support either even if it is carried on for three extra months. Probably best to have a computer screen dividing  Nikolos from her in that circumstance lol.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 12, 2018, 03:27:14 PM
Note how many 'experts' haven't even been to Russia or have a FSU partner ... :wallbash:
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: tfcrew on September 12, 2018, 03:27:55 PM
Never did say where "the beach 20 minutes away" is.
North of Charleston SC?... Will receive a bj from Florence in a couple of days.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 12, 2018, 10:22:08 PM
Nikolos
There are too much of gossip about your story)
I am sure that you are good person) :-*And big boy) of course you can make a decision without any advice, opinion, morality. What is right/what is wrong
Nobody can say exactly. We just go our own way. We all do mistakes and good things in this life. And @not yours experience@ cant be useful for you
And every coin has two sides

Financial support?
From one side: its very gently! You were engaged. And its your fault that you ruined all her hopes.You should support her and her family until she find a job
From other: is it well doer? Or you are just trying to minimaze your guilt?instead of an honest conversation You prefer to buy her forgiveness)) like great robbers doing a charity/ ex drug takers became too religious persons/ parents who work too much and cant gift their attention so the they  buy too expensive toys for child
Or even: disservice! dont forget 1000 doll is about 6 monthly salaries in small russian city . Even in Moscow its not bad easy money for her) After The end she will be stressed. So if you give her money she will suffer...Will drink a lot...Will yell to her family..)If you dont give the money she will not have the time for this bullshit cause she will have to work and earn money)

Moral and ethic is flexible thing)

I cant give you @perfect advise@
I just know that its good to listen to your own voice of heart and mind. And to learn though mistakes.
If to call or meet her is difficult for you (money reasons/ avoiding her hysteria and complaining and manipulation/ too long and not aduquate flight/or any)- just dont do it. Send her a letter. Why not?Not fair? Or rational? who knows.... You shouldn blame yourself. Feeling guilty didnt make anybody happy!

One thing i know exactly: after difficult long-term relationship everyone needs the time for some reflection. If you can - dont try to start new search in 1 week after this love story*s end. Let you be alone some time)))
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: GenMish on September 13, 2018, 11:40:42 AM
Note how many 'experts' haven't even been to Russia or have a FSU partner ... :wallbash:


When I read your post Ms, I looked back to see what might have prompted it. I see you were the one that was coaxing Nick to fly to Moscow to break up with her. It aint happening, so why are you trying to make him feel guilty? Ten guys out of ten would break it off by phone/skype, AND 9 of 10 would stop sending support payments


BTW- Yes, I have been to the FSU, but it didn't take me 10 trips to find an incredibly beautiful, intelligent, highly educated, moral, well cultured spouse. It took me one trip. My profile shows 0 trips, because I am considering going out again and my experience was 25 years ago. And I must say, I am now very disappointed with the women I have chatted with so far. They have looks, but not much else. Perhaps the current pool of women explains how a well incomed man from Orange County CA almost settled for a 2 time divorcee, drinker , bad tempered, and too lazy to keep her job until her Visa was a done deal.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 13, 2018, 01:47:46 PM

When I read your post Ms, I looked back to see what might have prompted it.

Thank you for updating your profile to read accurately ......and your appraisal of FSU women

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: tfcrew on September 13, 2018, 09:44:20 PM
It took me one trip.
+1 (http://images.covers.com/covers/emoticons/an_cheers.gif) You know what you want and go find her.
I went back and got her...visited a couple of times and I think we are finished going back.... flying is now difficult and the area has become unsettled....too bad.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: ML on September 14, 2018, 12:44:43 AM
Quite funny how a few folks here are trying for early admission to Sainthood status with their holier than thou advice to make the trip just to break up.

Not one of them would actually do it themselves.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: rwd123 on September 14, 2018, 01:34:10 AM
Not one of them would actually do it themselves.
Not all of them would propose after two weeks either. But if you get yourself in a mess, you need to find a clean exit. Or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIdGxR-aU6o

It's a matter of choice. You make your bed, you lie in it.
Title: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: 2tallbill on September 14, 2018, 07:57:56 AM
I didn't think of the humiliation factor, The only reason I thought of bringing her friend into it is to be there for emotional support, not to do my talking for me or anything like that, but your right, it's probably not a good idea overall..

I would just break it off. Call her on Skype, send her an email or whatever.
It's like pulling off a band aid, it's better to just do it and not draw it out.

The sooner she knows the sooner she can move on with her life.

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BdHvA on September 14, 2018, 08:23:40 AM
 :welcome:
I would just break it off. Call her on Skype, send her an email or whatever.
It's like pulling off a band aid, it's better to just do it and not draw it out.

The sooner she knows the sooner she can move on with her life.


2tall bill +1

This waffling is silly, do what you have to do. You are tormenting her as much as your self.

You need to stop tormenting your self and act. I do think being in contact with her best friend explaining your choice is a good idea. Your fiancé sounds border line bipolar.

Good advice is given upthread. Read it and pull the plug. Otherwise use option 3 and pull the the trigger.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on September 19, 2018, 08:21:51 PM
Update;

I broke it off last night.. While we were messaging, the subject came out about our differences on the trip and I used the opportunity to express how incompatible and indifferent we are and that it would never work, She was quite angry and hurt, she wrote that she would hang herself, it scared me a little and then I thought it could be a guilt trip, The next day I sent her a letter that I had prepared days ago, I modified it to fit our recent chat session, in the letter I never placed any blame on her but rather on myself for following my heart and not my head these last 20 months, that I jumped into it way too fast without really knowing one another.. She wrote back and thanked me, then later today she expressed that I made the right decision and how thankful she was for everything I've done for her and her daughter, that I'm a real man.. She wants me to be that father figure to her daughter, because her daughters been rejected twice, blood father and step, naturally I agreed to that.  What she's most upset and worried about is the embarrassment of it all, I met her Mother, friends and bonded with her daughter.. She doesn't want to tell them any of them, and asked that I remain silent about it, that she would tell them in due time... She also wrote that if I change my mind, she wont hold this against me.

In the letter I wrote that I would continue to send 1K a month for the next 2 months allowing her time to find work, I thought if I told her 3 months she would be a lot more lax at finding work, if extends past 2 then I'd send her a 3rd. I did incorporate many of the suggestions I've read in this thread, it helped me a great deal and I'm very appreciative to all of you who contributed. Thank you!

Nick
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BillyB on September 19, 2018, 08:28:09 PM

I'm glad to hear the breakup wasn't ugly and she even thank you for ending it like a gentleman.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on September 19, 2018, 11:04:55 PM
I'm glad to hear the breakup wasn't ugly and she even thank you for ending it like a gentleman.

Yes, BillyB - women threaten to hang themselves every time we break up with them ...

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: MarinaSirena on September 19, 2018, 11:19:29 PM
Update;

I broke it off last night.. While we were messaging, the subject came out about our differences on the trip and I used the opportunity to express how incompatible and indifferent we are and that it would never work, She was quite angry and hurt, she wrote that she would hang herself, it scared me a little and then I thought it could be a guilt trip, The next day I sent her a letter that I had prepared days ago, I modified it to fit our recent chat session, in the letter I never placed any blame on her but rather on myself for following my heart and not my head these last 20 months, that I jumped into it way too fast without really knowing one another.. She wrote back and thanked me, then later today she expressed that I made the right decision and how thankful she was for everything I've done for her and her daughter, that I'm a real man.. She wants me to be that father figure to her daughter, because her daughters been rejected twice, blood father and step, naturally I agreed to that.  What she's most upset and worried about is the embarrassment of it all, I met her Mother, friends and bonded with her daughter.. She doesn't want to tell them any of them, and asked that I remain silent about it, that she would tell them in due time... She also wrote that if I change my mind, she wont hold this against me.

In the letter I wrote that I would continue to send 1K a month for the next 2 months allowing her time to find work, I thought if I told her 3 months she would be a lot more lax at finding work, if extends past 2 then I'd send her a 3rd. I did incorporate many of the suggestions I've read in this thread, it helped me a great deal and I'm very appreciative to all of you who contributed. Thank you!

Nick

thanks for sharing your story!
i think that you did your best!
You are very polite, gentle and empathetic person!
Wish you the best on your way!
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: JayH on September 19, 2018, 11:54:10 PM
thanks for sharing your story!
i think that you did your best!
You are very polite, gentle and empathetic person!
Wish you the best on your way!

I agree with all that !
I have resisted commenting  in thread but read all comments -- and agree with many on both sides of the ledger !
One of the most difficult issues in every circumstance is for her dealing with family and friends . Too many guys seem to think they should be integrated prematurely into her world -- something I think very wrong fundamentally.( not suggesting that it was premature here)
Meeting children-- and particularly growing close is  a complication   not needed by either party . The priority should be the strength of the he/she relationship -- and that does not take 5 minutes.
The lady here deserves praise  too--  easy to understand initial anger  but it passed quickly and she started thinking with her head and behaved as a lady.Nice !
Nick -- you are a gentleman -- it is obvious reading all this that you did not find it easy and thought of her feelings and not just yours.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Nikolos on October 07, 2018, 01:13:05 AM
I want to thank all of you again for your input and kind words, I try to do the right thing, although many will disagree on what the right thing is, trying to make it right is what matters... 

A little update; Natasha wrote and informed she was able to get her old job back, but it will start the first week in January, she asked if I would extend payments to the end of the year and I agreed, I intended for 3 months anyway so it worked out.. She still writes and will ask if theirs any chance of it working out, told her no and that we both should move on with our lives... To avoid embarrassment, she told her friends and family the Visa was denied, which I think was a good idea on her part, they don't have to know the details.

On another note, I've been dating somebody new the last couple weeks, met her on Eharmony and she lives 20 minutes away, the chemistry is all there, she a lot like me in many ways, except her personality is far better than mine, She has a good job and is well established, A few years older than me, but it doesn't matter, the attraction is there... The funny part is, she's Ukrainian, born and raised in Chicago.. I told her about my 3 long distance relationships with Russian women, explained the reasons why they didn't work out, she said I should have looked for a Ukrainian girl from the start. :)))  From talking to both, the animosity between Ukrainians and Russians runs very deep.


       
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: msmob on October 07, 2018, 08:05:43 AM
From talking to both, the animosity between Ukrainians and Russians runs very deep.

   

Then they are BOTH letting the acts of respective 'govts' let their clear thought processes become 'faulty'

Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: tfcrew on October 07, 2018, 09:52:55 AM
  From talking to both, the animosity between Ukrainians and Russians runs very deep.
Close but no cigar---
Ukraine: How Deep Are the Divisions between East and West?
http://www.eastbook.eu/en/2014/03/05/the-depth-of-ukrainian-divisions-between-east-and-west/
 
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGVGp1zEIL0
     Be sure and read the comments.....
 
 
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: BillyB on October 07, 2018, 10:02:37 AM
I told her about my 3 long distance relationships with Russian women, explained the reasons why they didn't work out, she said I should have looked for a Ukrainian girl from the start.
     

Don't talk too much about past relationships. Some women may hold it against you if not now, in the future. Those relationships being over are supposed to be over.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: Maxx2 on October 07, 2018, 11:38:52 AM
Glad things are working out for you.
Title: Re: How do I end relationship with my fiancée?
Post by: tfcrew on October 07, 2018, 12:49:51 PM
Don't talk too much about past relationships. Some women may hold it against you if not now, in the future. Those relationships being over are supposed to be over.
Spot on...however---
Assume that they will [any of them] hold it against you ...like right away.
That is anybody from anywhere.