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Author Topic: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?  (Read 2824 times)

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Online msmob

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I've been married twice and divorced twice.  Not a good track record ... I must be doing something wrong.

Do I marry for the wrong reason, choose the wrong woman - or is it 'their fault' ? ;)

I ask as I've noted someone repeatedly suggest they are 'happy' with themselves and there'd be no need to 'seek help' from a 'Schrink' ... as they can just 'move on' ...


Are they deluding themselves or am I missing a trick ?

I chose to leave my first wife - KNOWING she would use the kids as a 'weapon' ...  I missed their teenage years

My 2nd Wife dumped me and it hurt

If you truly love someone - can you just 'move on' ?   



Online Trenchcoat

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2019, 08:32:44 AM »
I've been married twice and divorced twice.  Not a good track record ... I must be doing something wrong.

Do I marry for the wrong reason, choose the wrong woman - or is it 'their fault' ? ;)

I ask as I've noted someone repeatedly suggest they are 'happy' with themselves and there'd be no need to 'seek help' from a 'Schrink' ... as they can just 'move on' ...


Are they deluding themselves or am I missing a trick ?

I chose to leave my first wife - KNOWING she would use the kids as a 'weapon' ...  I missed their teenage years

My 2nd Wife dumped me and it hurt

If you truly love someone - can you just 'move on' ?

I think this is a great leap forward for you Mobers and for once something you should be commended for, its not easy to raise a matter close to your heart such as this and question yourself in an introspective manner.

Now I know you love my input so let ole trenchy help you in this matter ;)

I would say nearly all women use the kids as a weapon against the father as best as they can as it is often the strongest hand they have to play. Its an easy and quick win for them and they can often hold a guy to all sorts by doing so.

On moving on I think some guys are fine with this, some guys think their fine but have issues (character flaws, personality traits) they should resolve but have too much pride to admit it so they find it psychologically easier to tell themselves and others that they are fine. Some may be genuinely unaware of their issues and some so seek help for whatever the problem may be.

Now it could be a mismatch or even a match but just a falling out. If possible sometimes trying to find out the real reasons in a round about way from the previous partners etc may help.

Without knowing you in day to day life its not the easiest thing for guys on here to say I guess. On here you can be quite argumentative at times. but are you in real life? Do you get into arguments or keep your thoughts mostly hidden when you disagree?

I think the main thing is that it could just be one thing that trips you up time and again which if tackled could pay dividends in your relationships.

Lastly, I think if you are with anyone even a short while in a relationship it can really imprint itself on your mind and not be easy to get away from. Just my thoughts on the matter.
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Offline BdHvA

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2019, 09:42:21 AM »
An honest question and not one that is easy to answer. Each person brings assets and liabilities into a relationship with there personality and character.

I would say you are not responsible for someone else's happiness and you cannot force the other person to be responsible for your happiness. Does the ending hurt mostly yes. It can hurt, for a long time. But at some point you need to drop the 'what if o did this or that', and move on. Wash that person out of your hair.

Some people in relationships are highly insulated from there partner and others highly needy and very clingy. It depends on the parties.
Experierence is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. A. Huxley

Online Gator

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2019, 10:38:14 AM »
I've been married twice and divorced twice.  Not a good track record ... I must be doing something wrong.

These are questions one asks when contemplating marriage again.  Congratulations!  I commend you for the self-examination.

Quote
Do I marry for the wrong reason, choose the wrong woman - or is it 'their fault' ? ;)


Maybe, maybe, never.

As an intelligent man, you know that both partners contribute to the failure.

I had two long-term marriages (10 years and 25 years).  We had fun together, good friends, plenty of money, good sex,  ....The problem:  I was not sufficiently attentive to my wives' needs as they changed over time.  The old saying - women change, men do not.

Quick summary:  The first wife delayed starting her career in deference to mine.  She settled in a large city and grew a law practice.  The second wife wanted to be a stay at home mom, and had different needs as we approached the empty nest.     

A wife may seem contented,  may say life is good, yet the opposite could be true.  Or a man may feel that he is addressing the issue, especially if he is happy.   I should have probed more and deeper, and I should have followed up more. 

This is not a problem with my Cossack wife (you can read between the lines).   :D   I treat her needs as valid, give them highest priority, and seek a win-win compromise if a conflict. 
« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 10:39:53 AM by Gator »

Offline ML

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2019, 11:33:18 AM »
I was married for a long, long time.  So many years I am almost ashamed to admit it !!

Despite the criticism many have of the concept . . . we actually did just 'grow apart.'

I stopped loving her many years before our divorce . . . so I didn't feel any hurt at all when we split and divorced.  Just a huge sense of relief that I could move on.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline GenMish

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2019, 12:11:42 PM »
Put me down in the 'blaming myself' column. After a 23 yr marriage to a FSU lady, I don't blame her one bit. The good news is our children did not grow up in a broken home. The bad news is that after 23 years together, we were no longer happy together. But that isn't to say we werent happy the first 20 years. I am positive we were both very content the first 20 .

You can marry for all the right reasons, but people change. And we live in an a culture where divorce has little stigma

Offline Boethius

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2019, 12:30:31 PM »
I would say nearly all women use the kids as a weapon against the father as best as they can as it is often the strongest hand they have to play. Its an easy and quick win for them and they can often hold a guy to all sorts by doing so.


A useless generallization, and untrue.


This post was composed without the aid of google.



To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Online 2tallbill

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2019, 01:01:27 PM »
My first marriage was too weird to fall into somebody being at fault. My first wife's
paranoid schizophrenia started appearing and getting progressively worse and worse.
When she started becoming violent, I filed for divorce. When I moved out it was like
a giant weight was lifted off my chest and I could finally breath without effort.

It took two years to actually get divorced. Nobody was at fault, she certainly didn't
want to become ill/crazy.

Then I embarked on my 9 year quest to find Angel Eyes.
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Online krimster2

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2019, 01:40:25 PM »
if there was a major product that was produced in a factory that had the same failure rate as the institution of marriage, no one would buy the product, and the factory would be shut down

once upon a time I worked for NEC in Tokyo, some of their management philosophy rubbed off, which is very different from western philosophy, in a nutshell, whenever there’s a problem, instead of blaming and punishing someone, you instead focus on finding a solution to the problem and fixing it.   I liked this pragmatic idea so much that I’ve generalized it to almost all aspects of my life

in dealing with relationship conflict it’s a normal reaction to respond to anger with anger which then leads to an escalation and breakdown (with blaming and punishing)

instead of engaging this way emotionally, I instead try to understand the problem and arrive at a solution, and while presenting this I will try to promote a “buy-in” from all parties and achieve a consensus

I live with 3 women this way (wife and two teen daughters), it’s not easy, but this approach has worked for me

also, the best decision I ever made was to marry an FSU woman instead of an American
there are many reasons why IMHO a WM/UW relationship “can be” stronger than a WM/WW relationship, and this has worked well in my favor...
« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 01:42:39 PM by krimster2 »
вы думаете, что любой из этих людей, даже российских, подозревает, что я русский?

Offline Boethius

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Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2019, 04:51:28 PM »
Do I marry for the wrong reason, choose the wrong woman - or is it 'their fault' ?

I think this can only be answered with input from your ex wives.

Quote
I ask as I've noted someone repeatedly suggest they are 'happy' with themselves and there'd be no need to 'seek help' from a 'Schrink' ... as they can just 'move on' ...

That sounds like someone without a significant amount of self awareness.

Quote
If you truly love someone - can you just 'move on' ?

Probably not, IMHO.  However, I also believe that a significant number of problems (absent true mental illness) is the result of expectations exceeding reality, and not being able to cope with that reality.

This post was composed without the aid of google.
To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Offline CaptB

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2019, 11:05:19 PM »
My first wife and I were married for nine years. Towards the end we decided to go to marriage counseling......although probably too little, too late. We should have had counseling much earlier in our marriage. Our counselor was the minister who married us. He had a Masters degree in family counseling........working on his Phd. In counseling you go in "together" for a few sessions. Then you go to counseling "alone".......for as long as it takes to work on "you". If and when you each emerge from your individual counseling sessions as "ready" for the next step.....as decided by your counselor.....
......its time to work "together". I went to about 4 or 5 individual sessions until I was ready for the next step. At times my sessions were pretty uncomfortable. Having the finger pointed at you....acknowledging your faults......but at the same time not being allowed to say:....."....but she....."
My ex went for about four months.......then just stopped coming. She could never past using the phrase......"but he....." She never got that the individual sessions are about "you".......not....."us" When I asked her how her session went (the day she stopped coming).....she blurted out....."We should have gone to a "female" counselor !!!"


I called our counselor and asked if I could finish the sessions alone. He said yes.....and no. Yes.....to my helping myself in future situations. No.....to future sessions being of help to my current marriage. We filed for divorce shortly thereafter. I would recommend to anyone in this situation to seek counseling.......even if it turns out to be only "you" who attends the counseling sessions.


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Online Trenchcoat

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2019, 04:25:49 PM »
I think look on the positive side Mobers, you've got two attractive daughters so things could be far worse. Plus you have a few quid so you've not done that bad in life ;) Always good to look at where you can improve. If things aren't going well else where then just put whatever work in to get things where you want to be.
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Offline Jamesukjames

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2019, 07:17:12 AM »
msmob all people and all marriages are unique there are no text book answers.  Many anthropologists claim humans are not supposed to live as a couple more than 3 to 5 years.  The past is the past and nothing can be done about it.  Tomorrow the sun will rise with or without you.  So look forward not back, if you want a better relationship with your kids seek it, if you cant achieve it so be it.  I'm not a church goer but still keep in touch with my still serving military vicar , for when its my funeral )))) he's done a few friends weddings and funerals , we shared a house for a year,  now this friend says he is amazed when people come to him to be married how many have not discussed the next 60 years as in life plans children careers retirement how to deal with aging parents, there is no business plan.

Offline Jamesukjames

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2019, 07:25:45 AM »
msmob for the last 9 years i've lived in the same 200 house village as my ex and watched my kids get weaponised against me ,  I've even wondered if had we lived 20 miles apart there would have been less weaponization.    I lost out on my kids teenage years even though they lived with me solo for 3 years because the other guy always came along to school events

Online msmob

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2019, 10:45:54 AM »
A couple of posters may have misunderstood  my post.....

I am not in a 'dark place'...  I have been....


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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #15 on: March 03, 2019, 12:58:57 PM »
A couple of posters may have misunderstood  my post.....

I am not in a 'dark place'...  I have been....

...abducted by Aliens, caught streaking, been committed ;D

Would I be right in thinking that you have broken  up with SC/considering going back to your wife?
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Online msmob

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #16 on: March 03, 2019, 01:55:55 PM »
...abducted by Aliens, caught streaking, been committed ;D

Would I be right in thinking that you have broken  up with SC/considering going back to your wife?

Huh?

1/ Have been ( as in long ago past )

2/  'Broken up with SC '?   :ROFL:

Are you insane ? ..  Lose my Tennis partner ?




Did you notice what made me start this thread ? ....

Course not

The CLUE was in line three of my opening post ...



Are you this observant when on a date ..?  :D


 

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #17 on: March 03, 2019, 04:17:18 PM »
this friend says he is amazed when people come to him to be married how many have not discussed the next 60 years as in life plans children careers retirement how to deal with aging parents, there is no business plan.


I don't think discussing the next 60 years would make an iota of difference.  I think couples should discuss whether they plan to have children, but beyond that, you can't know how you will cope with any of these things until they occur.  Business plans don't work with other human beings, because you may have a difficult child, your elderly parents may be grouchy, or have dementia, your career may be affected by recession, etc.


Marry someone you love, and who you know loves you.  Examine your partner's personality.  Not his/her physical characteristics, but who he/she is at his/her core.  Accept your partner, and don't try to change him/her.  These are far more important than the mundane things of daily life.


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To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Online Gator

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #18 on: March 03, 2019, 08:26:03 PM »

The CLUE was in line three of my opening post ...


That is why I commented on the great importance of understanding whether a woman is happy.   

I found your comment about a shrink ambiguous.   Some couples seek therapy.  Yet in my experience  a committed, respectful couple should strive to work this out on their own.   If unable, failure is likely  and therapy merely serves the purpose of making the divorce less contentious.  Such, however, will pay for itself with reduced attorney fees. 

Offline ML

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #19 on: March 03, 2019, 09:02:57 PM »
At a 'get together' I was talking with a man who was recently divorced.
A Dean came over and said to the man:  "At last graduation ceremony I saw your former wife receiving PhD.  What was her area?"
Man: Family Relationship Counseling.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline Jamesukjames

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #20 on: March 03, 2019, 09:40:00 PM »
So boethius do women really love men.  From what I have seen men love women in a very straight forward way and women play all kinds of mind games.  In fact women seem unaware they even play these games.

Offline Boethius

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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #21 on: March 04, 2019, 01:39:02 AM »
Of course women really love men.  Some women play mind games, some don't (I assume you mean manipulation).  I have never manipulated my husband, as (a) it's not in my nature; and (b) I couldn't, even if I wanted to, as he'd see through any such attempt. 

I don't think it is a "given" that women manipulate men, but part of it, I believe, is that a woman's shelf life is much shorter than is a man's.  So, she is going to use what she has to ensure that man chooses her and stays with her.  However, I believe overall, this depends very much on the woman, and the man, as well as the way they navigate their relationship.

This post was composed without the aid of google.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2019, 03:16:32 AM by Boethius »
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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #22 on: March 04, 2019, 07:16:23 PM »
I'm guessing Mobes divorce finally came through.

Well on the point do women really love men, I think some do but for many a whole lot of other stuff gets in the way. Some women will look for a guy with wealth, career, ambition, winner, social skills, in crowd, party person, low life thrill seeker, jack the lad, etc, etc. They lose the plot that they would be best of just trying to find someone they have chemistry with.

Take materialistic girls for example, now I say they potentially ruin the life of four people, themselves, the person they are with and the two partners they could have had that could have been right for them. All because the girl mistakenly let's herself get led astray by going after a guy with money that she doesn't love. She will no doubt do her best to convince the guy she loves him but later once she is married that often fades and odds are the relationship won't last.
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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #23 on: March 04, 2019, 07:22:02 PM »
I'm guessing Mobes divorce finally came through.

Considering how Moby writes, we will never know the reason for the post. 


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Re: Marriage breakdown/relationship ending - Do you feel bruised/at fault ?
« Reply #24 on: March 04, 2019, 09:06:58 PM »
I'm guessing Mobes divorce finally came through.

I wish

V is not rushing to sign the Decree Absolute and if she take three months THEN I can end it ((

Considering how Moby writes, we will never know the reason for the post. 



The reason was VERY clear in paragraph  three of the OP.....  One of our members seems to think a breakdown is always the other persons fault ..



 

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