You dont always get the fairy tale........

[Col HJ]

I've not been around the board for, well a long time. I had, or thought I had everything in the world but it has slowly unraveled over the last year and well...lemme tell the story.

  I met the dearest UW in the world in March '07, by email and then in person in June. We hit it off immediately and our relationship progressed fairly quick, but very carefully. Along the way were of course some bumps in the road, mostly due to cultural differences and language barrier but we worked our way through them. She was perhaps more careful than I, being a very good mother to a 13 year old girl, and not wanting to make the big move to Tejas until she was 150% sure of everything. So anyways in May of 08 I asked her "are we ready, to pursue your visa, and bring our lives together?" Yes she answered and the happiest man in the world begins collecting the various bits and pieces necessary to begin the 401k process. And all was perfect and we lived happily ever after.......errr wait a bit.

  As with anyone she of course is not perfect,  but I started to see some things that really disturbed me. The first was a telephone that remained unanswered for a very long 4 day weekend, we spoke on Thursday evening and all was well, we ended our call with "good night , talk to you tomorrow." Of course this is Ukraine and well, has Ukrainian phone service, but I 've learned from the sound of the ring which days it's working and which days it's not and it rang beautifully all weekend...as you may imagine I am sick with worry, this  being the land of gas leaks and exploding apartment buildings, bus/train wrecks and so on. But finally she answers  Monday evening, and very casually explains she had a last minute invite to her friends dasha for the weekend. Well I say, how about a last minute call or email and let your man know about this, rather than leaving me to worry? "Oh I have this thought but do not act upon it."  

  I am treated to hearing the story of all preparations being made for the birthday party of her friends husband, special food being prepared and painstaking selection of the appropriate gifts and think to myself, wow this woman really makes an effort for those close to her......but then watch 2 of my own birthdays pass with....nothing. No email, no phone call, nothing. Once was a 5 day late email with the explanation of "I did not have the possibility to write you and congratulate you."

  Most recently we were having a pleasant conversation on a Sunday afternoon, she was out for a walk and was sitting on a bench and after 15 minutes of perfectly fine conversation she becomes nervous, all spoken English stops and I get "uh huh, uh huh, good bye." Hmmm not hard to figure this one out but I ask (and very gently) in my next letter and the very angry reply was that a man from her church had approached, (he was supposedly helping to arrange a 4 day trip to Europe that we were taking in November) and she saw no point to continue our conversation. Hmm euro trash rudeness finds it's way to Transcarpathia???

 Okay I can regale you with hours of similar stories but I think you have enough. I will tell you that I am 45, she is 40 and we are both attractive people and look good together. I have met and spent many hours in the company of her friends and they are fine folks and are now my friends. I have treated this woman as a princess, provided for her in every possible way and been the finest man I can be for her. But over time her behavior has worn me down to the point I have nothing left. When we are alone together and some magic causes her cell phone to stop ringing we have some really wonderful moments......but if she has any other input then I am off her radar. Being Ukrainian she is of course never wrong, "always thinking of our relationship but you do not see it with your American eyes."   I have loved this woman with every ounce of strength in my soul, she has taken it all, and given me back crumbs. So after several painful letters and conversations trying to see the truth she tells me I am the finest man she could ever imagine but "do not tell me where I have stepped wrong in our relationship."

  Oh well, 8 trips across the pond, several fine Vodka hangovers and prolly 80K down the drain, shit happens man.

[SMS60]

ColHJ, This is what happens when a man puts his life on hold for a woman. It is unattractive for both people. You quit living and now see where you are at. When your living and your mind is active you dont sit around worrying about what another person is doing.

If she is having this affect on you she is not worth it. A woman should enhance your life not drag you down.

You probally ran out of milk.

[kievstar]

You should move on.  This woman is not going to make your happy. 

[Shadow]

Col HJ, sorry to hear about this things.
For some educational purpose let me ask you some things.

1. In May 2008 you started the visa process. If I am correct you are still not together. What happened that it took so long ?

2. Did you support her financially all this time ?

[groovlstk]

Col HJ, if I remember correctly you posted some concerns many months ago regarding your fiancee's lack of interest in the sort of romantic play that most couples engage in. I'm guessing, like me, many saw this as a very bad harbinger

I hope you're going to move on, if not she's going to continue down the same path - throwing you a scrap or two of recognition every time you start to question the relationship.

[tim 360]

Col,  I don't know why you keep punishing yourself with this woman.  I doubt things with her will suddenly improve and you must be tired of her feeding you scraps.  Put it all behind you.

[Col HJ]

"ColHJ, This is what happens when a man puts his life on hold for a woman. It is unattractive for both people. You quit living and now see where you are at. When your living and your mind is active you dont sit around worrying about what another person is doing."


 Wow if that ain't the truth, or at least mine. I lived 110% for her, she lived 110% for her, and it didn't average out for us. And I am not a worrisome sort either. But I sure got to thinking the more zeros I saw.

  To answer some questions when we made the go ahead decision on the visa I asked her for a copy of her divorce decree, which she promptly produced a mere 5 months later. Having that in my hands ( I wanted to be 100% positive of the dates and such before I proceeded) I started filling everything out and reached the point where I needed her signature. So in the middle of the worlds hottest 120 hour per week job I stole away to Fedex and spent waaay too much to get the documents to her for signing. And true to form she expedited them back to me....in another 2 months. Now was I 100% on top of this and getting everything done ASAP? No I am one busy MF and there was some lag on my part as well, but it was  "honest" lag and I worked at it when I could. Pretty soon many months had passed and the decay between us accelerated rapidly, I put the K-1 package away, for good.

  Did I support her? Why yes, don't all good fools? When she said yes in May I began religiously sending $500 or so per month, and of course more at Christmas and birthdays or whenever she or daughter needed something out of the ordinary. I will say that she never asked me for anything, I did it of my own, and from my heart with no other thought than she be taken care of.

 Some of you may remember my posting here in January last year, I had traveled to Italy for work in October '08 and learning of a second trip in January I suggested we meet and set her about trying to get the magic Shengen visa. So January is soon upon us and she has produced nothing but gives all indications she wants to go so I call in a favor with a travel agent friend in Houston, the friend is a Ukrainian woman that I met quite by accident, she has been state side for a dozen years or so and is a real ace. I knew she had arranged Shengens for relatives and friends back in Ukraine and upon hearing my request she says "no problem, it's a piece of cake." So one late night of work on her behalf and a phone call to the Hungarian consulate in my girls city and it's done. She sent all the necessary info to my girl and all she had to do was go to the consulate the next morning, hand over the forms and pay the standard fee of 30 euros (or whatever it was). But she doesn't go and as calmly as I can I ask why not and get " many people are denied visas there every day, I DON'T WANT TO ENDANGER MY CHANCES OF FUTURE TRAVEL."  Well the camels back was mightily strained at that point......but owing to purely good fortune on her behalf not one week after I get home she was so lucky as to run into a lady at the hair salon that just happened to work for a tour company and just happened to have  2 empty seats on a tour bus to Italy and poof she is off to Venice with the daughter. Well the poor camel didn't recover from that one and I didn't either and here we are today.

  I want to think that in her mind she did what was necessary to sustain our relation, and at the same time I think she knew she wasn't doing enough but was too proud to admit it or do anything about it. Or maybe she thinks there is another 10 guys like me hiding around the corner. Either way is no mas Col HJ for her.

  I appreciate everyone giving their consul, and wish everyone of you the best. And don't worry for your good Col,  I have met the most wonderful woman, with a Texas address no less, that tolerates my mediocre guitar playing and even worse singing. She even has an accent and knows how to cook.

[Lily]

Are we RW supposed to figure out what questions for us may arise out of this sad story?

Someone helps?

[SMS60]

The men knew he posted in the wrong forum.  So we took control.

It was like the "unspoken word" type of deal. :evil:

[Shadow]

Col HJ lets say I already knew what was going to be your answer.
While not with a RW, I made the mistake you made of taking the 'yes' on working towards a future together as a solid base.
I 'dragged' my feet for 8 months, and when things were ready the signs which I should have picked up earlier became obvious.

Sending support, however it is our instincts and a noble thing to do, will complicate matters when a woman gets second thought about the whole process, for whatever reason. For many women, including RW, it is hard to bluntly tell a man the relationship is over, especially if there were feeling.
Add the comfortable life that she knows will stop once its done, and it will become a nearly impossible hurdle.

If you were a fool, you were a fool like me.

As for the next time I got in to something serious, once the application was filled I took a bank card from a special account and told her she should keep it so that in case there was trouble she could not solve, I could support her. The card was never used.
 
So don't think about the money lost, its only money and you were happy giving it. Learn next time to be ready. Not just ready for a trip, but ready to get all needed things done as fast as possible. It takes time and dedication, but without it you can lose what you thought you had.

[Gator]

Sending support, however it is our instincts and a noble thing to do, will complicate matters when a woman gets second thought about the whole process, for whatever reason. For many women, including RW, it is hard to bluntly tell a man the relationship is over, especially if there were feeling.
Add the comfortable life that she knows will stop once its done, and it will become a nearly impossible hurdle.

Very wise observation, Shadow.  It explains her foot dragging.  An even worse possibility is that she has a couple of other men who send her $500/month.  And when they are in town for four days she uses the dacha excuse.

Colonel, her lack of attentiveness (e. g., your birthday) is a big red flag.  You would never expect not accept such behavior from an AW girlfriend, so why from a FSUW?

[Col HJ]

Lilly I didn't have any specific question, just sharing, and maybe venting a little.  Wrong forum?? Ahh maybe, if there was a "Pissed away a big chunk of my life forum" I would have posted there.

  She was not a terrible woman, not by any means. She was married to a real gem of a guy that was very abusive verbally according to her friends, and I am positive he was physically abusive as well. I think she had alot of callous and wasn't going to let another man close, I was simply the best one to come along. She is way too proud and maybe too independent, and to me it appeared she would make efforts just to show me she didn't need me. My very level headed 16 yr old daughter thought she was a "spoiled princess." And surely that was my doing. Shadow I don't think she had second thoughts, I just think she was along for the ride and never got fully on board.


  Gator I literally do have the patience of a Saint, the problem was the seamless transition I made from being patient to making excuses for her behavior.


 I did kill the biggest deer of my life this season, my motorcyles have remained upright and the refining business I  depend on is not getting any worse..yet.  And the new lady likes venison! Life is grand!!

[GQBlues]

Col HJ-

I still remember the first time you came on board at the other board before you made a trip. You always appeared to be a gentler man and soul. It's a shame this end up in the way it has for you.

However tough, get closure and get this behind you sooner than later. Easier said than done, I know but in many ways I know you'll understand, under the circumstances, better it happen now than later.

I use to always say before it is equally important to note, if not more so, at what she does when you're not around as oppose to what she does when you are...Never chalk up strange behavior on cultural differences.

There's just as many men perpetually feeding the hype as there are eating it up. Sometimes it's tough to see things straight when you're so fogged up from all the hoopla.

[Chicagoguy]

I sometimes wonder when reading so many posts why men who are dating Russian/Ukrainian women will do things for them or accept behaviour from them that the would never accept from an American woman.

It's like once we make this leap of faith ? and get involved 6000 mi. from home that we stop thinking straight.

I am not being critical and I am looking for reasons or answers. I myself once fell for a soft scam.

[Col HJ]

I use to always say before it is equally important to note, if not more so, at what she does when you're not around as oppose to what she does when you are...

  Your thoughts mirror my own, but I was too quick to rationalize her behavior away, rather than to confront her or even myself for that matter. I recall now several instances were I knew the day before I was going to be on an airplane, or in some work situation that would prevent me from calling her and I would advise her of this....but she goes away for 4 days with no word, as casually as she would walk to the market.

 I gave much gentle coaching along the way, encouraging her to get a little more involved, and she did...with her own life. My youngest daughter, though a very mature 16, still has the excellent judge of character that most children and dogs possess and almost instantly disliked her. "Dad she doesn't act like your girlfriend." I had all the signs in the world but my blinders were securely in place.


For any northern brethren fighting the snow and cold I'll tease you with the sunrise I saw this morning.....It's a tough life working in the Caribbean but hey, someones gotta do it.......

[Kuna]

ColHJ,

There seesm to be red flags and behaviours throughout this time that you have ignored.  No doubt the end of the relationship hurts but it will hurt much less than if you try to ressurect it.

I don't know what else to offer you at this time except my respect for your willingness to post your story here, and my encouragement for you to take some time out from the dating/relationship process until you're really ready to make a decision about your next step.

All the best in the future.

Kuna

[Daveman]

Thanks for sharing your story ColHJ. Those blinders can be a bitch, can't they?

Most of us, who were not extremely lucky, have been down at least a somewhat similar road.  Sometimes we get involved with less than stellar partners, sometimes people are just not compatible for the long haul, and other times relations just fizzle for a variety of reasons.  Whatever the reasons for the end of this relationship, learn from it what you can.  Learn from her, and learn about your own behavior and what in yourself could be improved (not just 'i need to find a better woman'.. but seriously look at where YOU can improve from this experience).