I am very confused

[Turboguy]

I pretty much agree with what everyone has said.  I think for women one of the biggest problems they face is guys who waste their time.   There are tons of guys who write and "are going to visit someday" but never do.  It may be the reason for her delays in writing.   If she has been removing profiles it could mean she has found someone, lost interest in finding a foreign man or just had so many responses that seemed like a waste of time that she doesn't want any more time wasters.  

If she is very attractive then she is probably getting a fair amount of interest.  My suggestion is to keep writing to her and if she still wants to meet you in September go and otherwise wait until you get your own life squared away and then get serious in a search.

[SMS60]

An interested woman will not confuse a man. She will respond to your advances. When you find someone who is interested you will not have to come to the internet and ask if she is.


Go find someone who is.

[Daveman]

SJ

Thanks once again for your constructive comments.  I have told this lady that I wish to work towards communication by telephone and via Skype.

SJ has given some good examples.

Ok, for one thing, don't wait for her to make decisions.  "work towards communication by telephone or skype" seems a bit timid.  Make the decisions and let her follow you. Just tell her it's time to talk and to give you her number so you will call her at such and such time, and if that's not a good time, to name another time that's better. Take the reins and steer the horse.  If she says "no" then ask her again (you are not one so easily thwarted from what he wants, right? she might be a little uneasy because of her language skills).. don't be a creepy stalker, but just solidly confident.  The more confident you are in this, the more confident she'll be in you.  

If she still doesn't respond more positively then weigh your options at that time.  Don't waste time chasing a woman who isn't interested, but sometimes you have to play the game to find out.  

[Ade]

SJ has given some good examples.

Ok, for one thing, don't wait for her to make decisions.  "work towards communication by telephone or skype" seems a bit timid.  Make the decisions and let her follow you. Just tell her it's time to talk and to give you her number so you will call her at such and such time, and if that's not a good time, to name another time that's better. Take the reins and steer the horse.  If she says "no" then ask her again (you are not one so easily thwarted from what he wants, right? she might be a little uneasy because of her language skills).. don't be a creepy stalker, but just solidly confident.  The more confident you are in this, the more confident she'll be in you.  

If she still doesn't respond more positively then weigh your options at that time.  Don't waste time chasing a woman who isn't interested, but sometimes you have to play the game to find out.  

Yes, I'd agree.

Oneputt - one of the problems others have faced is that FSUW can sometimes be too polite to tell you to bugger off if they aren't interested, and some men interpret this as encouragement. Who knows, maybe her lack of prompt replies to your emails really does mean she's not particularly interested in you. Do the skype face to face thing/phone thing as soon as you can. If her English really is too poor consider a professional translator 3-way call service - there are several on here that provide that service I think. The sooner you determine if this has serious potential the better.

[GQBlues]

Way too much emotional investment on someone you haven't met. Take a cue from her. I would consider it enough that she never responded to you twice, and likely never will had you not broken down and reminded her of yourself once more.

Regardless of reasons, you were simply not good enough to warrant a continued interest, let alone an explanation. That to me is always enough. There's a fine line between being persistent and being a desperate PITA (rhetorical).

You can't allow beating yourself up at this juncture. Be dignified about your self worth. IMHO. I would grant her the decency of her choice if I were you.

[Blues Fairy]

Looks like "she's just not that into you", be it because you're married, or too far away, or your emails might be just plain boring.  Brutal honesty is all fine, but what about your sense of humor, what about your literary style, i.e. something beyond the bulleted responses to the questions.  How much have you really invested into this correspondence, to demand quick and prompt results?  She owes you nothing; you still have to win her heart if you think she's worth your time.

[Dave13]

Oneputt, Just relax, its not a real relationship until you meet, of course with correspondence over a period of time you can find some useful information, but its never going to compare to that first meeting. The married issue, is big , because some of these ladies have had lots of guys lying to them for years. Also most of the men, are just keyboard Romeo's, they just talk and talk and never get on the plane. So, make your reservations and share them with the lady, most likely her interest in you will increase.

Dave

[Patagonie]

Bad very bad, you are still married.
At this cue of relation you begin to be addict (wich relation : a only virtual one) : not good
Do you think really she turn off her three ad for you ? Sorry you're dreaming.
you'll come in september ? an eternity, if she lives in a big city, a lot of guy will visit her before.
You are, in the best case, third in the list. And between now and september you might be the 7th or the 12th (probably at this row you'll disappear in the stars)
About photos : forget, only few of you or one particular to show your romantic understanding of nature or your ability of joking. Nothing else.
Train yourself to meet some AW even if it's just to go to a one night stand.
Enhance yours skills and wait june to write to RW. Before you loose your time and waste theirs.

Take care of you.
Patagonie

[BillyB]

But I am confused.  What is going on here?  This woman is listed (as far as I can tell) on only three websites and she has recently taken down or suspended all her profiles (on EM, it says she is not interested in receiving further correspondence). 

Can someone please tell me what is going on here?
 

While you are thinking WOVO and hoping for the best, the RW is more realistic and kept her options open and probably found a man that seemed serious and single. It's great you are honest with the woman but the truth is most RW don't put their life on hold for a married man they never met. You were beat out by a more eligible bachelor.

Here it is a "no fault" system called dissoltion of marriage based on a presumption of irreconcilble differences.  The presumption arises after two years.  So I have wait the two years to unilaterally get the court order.  I have to do the time.
 

Another reason RW won't put their lives on hold for a married man they never met. The wait time adds to the difficulties and stress of the process.

As long as you're honest with the women that you're married but separated, I don't think you're doing anything wrong but unfortunately, married men aren't in demand by single RW.

[Sculpto]

To be taken seriously ACTIONS are the only thing that matters.  Words are rather useless and women in general and especially in the FSU have heard way too many promises from men.  

If I was in her shoes I would be offended by the fact that you are still married, regardless of the complications of the law in NZ.  A married man simply should not be searching for women, regardless of the status of the previous marriage.  Well, if not offended at least in no way consider you seriously and would take your actions as a sign of immaturity and desperation.  

There is nothing confusing at all about her slow responses.  Her message is clear and her continuation of correspondence is out of politeness more than interest.

The other thing that is on the verge of insult is the fact that you are not willing to place the possible future love of your life above practical considerations.  So, the message you send is your clients and money are more important than the girl.  Twisted logic or not, IME most FSU ladies will take that understanding from your delays.  "If he really cared he would do anything to be with me"

The best advice I would offer is drop this correspondence, get your life together, make definitive plans for a trip and ONLY then start corresponding.  That way you can tell your prospects that you WILL be in their country on x-y dates so they will consider you more seriously.  And, even though I despise WMVM in your case, I think it would be a really good idea.  Don't fixate on internet relationships.  Put yourself into a position to meet women in real life and leave it at that.  And, think out what the whole process really means and create an action plan according to it.  It is rare that someone gets married from one trip and not advisable anyway.

So, stop, rethink, get your life together, start over.  Oh, and don't kid yourself, you look your age, we all do.

[tim 360]

Oneputt, There is nothing for you to be confused about. I am sure she is a practical woman and this is what she is looking at:  #1  You will not visit for 6 months in September.  And thats a "maybe".  #2  You are still married.  #3  You are still married.  

In her practical mind you are not a very wise choice for her to waste much time on.  Surely there are other guys interested in her too who  #1  Will visit her next week.  #2  Are not married.

Get divorced and then write someone.

Age?  Men can be vain.  Women who are in their 40's have asked me to guess their age and invariably I might "guess" 29 or 31 just to be polite.  Usually it makes them very happy.  Of course I am telling them a little lie.

[BC]

This all sounds like two penpals that are penning a bit too seriously.

[Ranetka]

Apart from what others said about you still being legally married do you ask her any questions in emails? It just I noticed that you mention everything she said but not what your questions were. Because if you do not:

1. You are still married
2. You are only coming in six months
3. You are not asking anything.

You may know you are interested but it would be hard for her to see.

I was once corresponding with a guy who never asked me anything apart from why do I not answer for so long and it was very difficult.

[Patagonie]

''The best advice I would offer is drop this correspondence, get your life together, make definitive plans for a trip and ONLY then start corresponding.  That way you can tell your prospects that you WILL be in their country on x-y dates so they will consider you more seriously.''

and first : get divorced,

[Oneputt]

Thank you for all your comments and advice.

[Gator]

i think this guy should just drop the entire thing. With his tendencies to misinterpret everything and then not being man enough to admit that he was wrong, his marriage wont last a month    

 

Oneputt,

Rule Number One of Serious Dating:  Get out of your current relationship before entering a new one.

Rile Number One of Pursuing RW:  Get on a plane. 

If you can not fly until September, I suggest that you cool your heels.  There is no reason to expect VUW to be serious now.  Write short letters to VUW every couple of weeks just to keep the door open.  Try a 3-way telephone call using an interpreter.  Write some other RW. 

[brave girl]

I am still married (my wife and I have been separated for some considerable time and the formalities to dissolve our marriage will be sorted next year).

Do not disturb nice Russian Woman!!
Get the divorce!!
This topic is foolish!!

Usually i do not care about forum so much, but this is just outrageous

Agree!!

Where, where in hell do you see me saying she is not a decent woman? jesus *snip*ing christ. Why come here if you are gonna go around being a jerk to people who are trying to help you?

Completely agree!!  brave girl

[Lily]

Oneputt,

I liked the way you outlined your situation in a clear and logical manner.

Also, I'd join others who said that you should ask your questions to this particular woman. Women are complicated creatures, and rather different from each other. What we think is not necessarily what another woman would think in our place.

My understanding is what is going on here looks like insufficient communication between the woman and yourself.

You want too know why she market herself to foreign men while she believes that she does not know the language well enough? Good question. I 'd be curious what she answers Perhaps she believes that as soon as she gets her foot on foreign land, she will be exposed to more oppurtunities to learn the language. Even more than that, she may be thinking that her man will help and assist her in this problem.

As for you still being married, it looks like you already got some opinions from the forum members. In the FSU, there is no such institute like legal separation. Did she ever asked you a question concerning your married status?

Your other concern is that she does not seem to appreciate your commitment to meet her. Well, for a number of Russian women to see a commitment from men would be something that is rare in real life. In her life, she may have observed as much commitment cases from men, as many times she has seen a live Santa Claus. She may have been used and betrayed by men. How can a woman with such history of relationships believe in commitment?

Among Russian people, I notice a tendency to not address the issues directly, although Russians may have a reputation of being outright and even blatant. People tend to be silent about some really important things in life, of a fear to destroy something that seems to be fragile and vulnerable. This is one big communication problem with some Russians.

Just get her to talk. If she answers in circumventive manner, insist.

[Oneputt]

Oneputt,

I liked the way you outlined your situation in a clear and logical manner.

Also, I'd join others who said that you should ask your questions to this particular woman. Women are complicated creatures, and rather different from each other. What we think is not necessarily what another woman would think in our place.

My understanding is what is going on here looks like insufficient communication between the woman and yourself.

You want too know why she market herself to foreign men while she believes that she does not know the language well enough? Good question. I 'd be curious what she answers Perhaps she believes that as soon as she gets her foot on foreign land, she will be exposed to more oppurtunities to learn the language. Even more than that, she may be thinking that her man will help and assist her in this problem.

As for you still being married, it looks like you already got some opinions from the forum members. In the FSU, there is no such institute like legal separation. Did she ever asked you a question concerning your married status?

Your other concern is that she does not seem to appreciate your commitment to meet her. Well, for a number of Russian women to see a commitment from men would be something that is rare in real life. In her life, she may have observed as much commitment cases from men, as many times she has seen a live Santa Claus. She may have been used and betrayed by men. How can a woman with such history of relationships believe in commitment?

Among Russian people, I notice a tendency to not address the issues directly, although Russians may have a reputation of being outright and even blatant. People tend to be silent about some really important things in life, of a fear to destroy something that seems to be fragile and vulnerable. This is one big communication problem with some Russians.

Just get her to talk. If she answers in circumventive manner, insist.

Lily

Thank you for your comments.

Yes I have explained to this lady that I cannot get the Court to dissolve my marriage until next year even though my wife now lives in another country now.

I agree with you that RW tend to avoid answering hard, straight questions sometimes.