Little Doofus

[OlgaH]

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000944.htm

Alcoholism (alcohol dependence) and alcohol abuse are two different forms of problem drinking.

Alcoholism occurs when a person shows signs of physical addiction to alcohol (for example, tolerance and withdrawal) and continues to drink, despite problems with physical health, mental health, and social, family, or job responsibilities. Alcohol may come to dominate the person's life and relationships.

In alcohol abuse, a person's drinking leads to problems, but not physical addiction.

[JR]

His mother is totally concerned. I seems that whenever stepson screws up the wife and I start to argue which destroys any united front on dealing with this.

 

Of course she is totally concerned, how could she not be? Why do you argue when sonny boy screws up? You have no control over sonny boy and you have no control over your wife. Let go of that shit, right now it is controlling you. Don't argue with your wife when she's upset about her son, be supportive but set boundaries for yourself. That is all you can do.

[BillyB]

A woman at the Alanon meeting said he has to live with the consequences of his actions and to stop trying to "fix" him. Thinking on this I know it's right.

Let him live with the consequences? What if he destroys private property with his or your vehicle? What if he ran somebody over and drove away from the scene? More Americans are dying due to drinking and driving every year compared to 2 wars overseas. Drinking and driving isn't just about "him". The law and most people don't care if he drinks himself to the grave but when he takes it public, that is another story.

In a battle of tug of war, his circle of friends seem to influence him more than you can Steamer. Many parents have the same problem. It's best to get maintain a strong influence on kids before they get too old. Sometimes I drive my kids through the bad area of town close to some dangerous looking teens so they can get an idea of where they can end up if they don't remain focused and hang around the wrong crowd.

Your Russian kid isn't a rare breed. I was once in traffic court and half the people there were young RM although they are a minority. I once met a young Ukrainian man who was getting deported for stealing cars. He was going to South America. I didn't ask him but maybe Ukraine didn't want him back. You know only of the problems your son is involved in because those problems he can't hide. Lost his job, lost his gf, and lost his license. Hopefully he's not into other stupid stuff.

If he doesn't care about straighting out his life, the laws of the land may deal with him instead. He's living in your house. lay down the rules and tell him you're not bailing him out if the rules are broken. He'll respect what you say if you have a reputation for being a man of your word. Nobody who's anybody wants a deadbeat alcoholic for a boyfriend/girlfriend, an employee or son/daughter. An education about alcohol most likely will not help your son. He needs to acquire wisdom. If he chooses to learn the hard way, it won't help if you're there for him to lean on. He lost his gf, job and license. There may come a point you and your wife need to lose him too. Are you both prepared to do so if he doesn't shape up?

John Wayne once said "Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid". Tell you son this and hopefully he remembers those words when it comes to making decisions in life.

[Steamer]

Of course she is totally concerned, how could she not be? Why do you argue when sonny boy screws up?

Because we each have our own ideas about this should be handled. The whole idea about AA is a new concept to the wife (although she is now seeing it as a good thing). I get animated because I'm concerned about the kid. The wife and my heads are coming together on this.

You have no control over sonny boy and you have no control over your wife. Let go of that *snip*, right now it is controlling you. Don't argue with your wife when she's upset about her son, be supportive but set boundaries for yourself. That is all you can do.

You said it brother.

[Steamer]

Let him live with the consequences? What if he destroys private property with his or your vehicle? What if he ran somebody over and drove away from the scene? More Americans are dying due to drinking and driving every year compared to 2 wars overseas. Drinking and driving isn't just about "him".

Oh, he's not driving anywhere. We expect his license to be gone for a year at least and we're selling his car to help pay for the lawyer.

You know only of the problems your son is involved in because those problems he can't hide.

He's been pretty good at hiding a lot of things.

[thompsongunner06]

Having a son in the Corps I can tell you they DO NOT want drunks. They will look at his DUI record and say no way. I was in the army,,they too will look at any criminal records. Now days they want the best,,,not problems like in the Vietnam era. The USMC will not even look at you without a High School Diploma. he will prob be sent back,,,he has abused his right to stay here where he had a chance to be something instead of a drunk. Sorry but only he can change his future,,no one else.

[GQBlues]

Sorry but only he can change his future,,no one else.

Fully agree.

With all due respect to Steamer, what he was advised by Alanon was dead on.

Happy people do happy things with their lives. People who are disturbed will oftentimes resort to doing things that are considered destructive and vengeful....

The guy is closer to 30 than he is to his teens. He's no longer a person looking for an identity. He's an adult. Let him live the life he chose for himself and just hope he doesn't drag along someone with his silliness. He is fully aware of what he's doing - 100%. Folks like him crave the attention and are likely to do things that gets those attention.

Taking away keys from his car does nothing to the root of the problem and only feeds his craving for attention.

Steamer, make certain that you let him know you'll be there and be behind him all the way IF he chooses to take a different path in his life. If he chooses to stay and be what he is today, let him know he's on his own.

That fact he was booted off by his ex tells me he's not even capable of looking after himself at his age because chances are his Mum - through Steamer; are always there as his personal puppet control and cash machine.

[Faux Pas]

Fully agree.

With all due respect to Steamer, what he was advised by Alanon was dead on.

Happy people do happy things with their lives. People who are disturbed will oftentimes resort to doing things that are considered destructive and vengeful....

The guy is closer to 30 than he is to his teens. He's no longer a person looking for an identity. He's an adult. Let him live the life he chose for himself and just hope he doesn't drag along someone with his silliness. He is fully aware of what he's doing - 100%. Folks like him crave the attention and are likely to do things that gets those attention.

Generally agree but, you know this isn't something where one size fits all?

Steamer, make certain that you let him know you'll be there and be behind him all the way IF he chooses to take a different path in his life. If he chooses to stay and be what he is today, let him know he's on his own.

That fact he was booted off by his ex tells me he's not even capable of looking after himself at his age because chances are his Mum - through Steamer; are always there as his personal puppet control and cash machine.

This is one of those situations where everyone's an expert and tells everyone else exactly how to handle it and all will be well. Unfortunately, that is just not so. Most of all, it is one of those things that one doesn't really know diddly squat about until they've lived it. Even then it's a learn as you go scenario and the best experience you do not get until after you need it.

All the love and support, to lavish or withhold, rarely makes a difference to an addict or an alcoholic. To support can be perceived as enabling and to withhold is easily perceived as abandoning. It really is a lose/lose for the addicted and the loved ones. In these times declaring "this is the right thing" "That is the right thing" to do is nothing more than shooting blindly into the dark.

[Steamer]

Taking away keys from his car does nothing to the root of the problem and only feeds his craving for attention.

It's not meant to, it's meant to keep him from killing himself or someone else if he goes out drinking again. The wife and I are not shrinks either. He can go to AA and figure out his demons.

Steamer, make certain that you let him know you'll be there and be behind him all the way IF he chooses to take a different path in his life. If he chooses to stay and be what he is today, let him know he's on his own.

I think I've communicated to him quite well that his mother and I can't do it for him. His drinking is not our fault. We did everything in our power to set him up to have a good life and he spit on it. I'll help stay sober any way I can but HE is the only one that can rebuild his life and the trust of his family.