My personal dilemma

[GlobalEuphoria]

   I thought a woman's perspective would be best for the following but I don't mind if the guys in the house also jump in on this issue.

   I'm at a cross road with my search and I'm having a difficult time coming up the answer to my quandary.

   Long story, short.... Was in a good relationship for about 7 months, things went very well, including my trip over to visit. Around the final month, things went into slow motion and a wall was created by both of us although it's initial foundation was set by myself. I think you could best describe this slow down and wall being put into effect due to a case of cold feet and issues from past relationships. In the end this wall became to large for her and I to continue on with our relationship and we put an end to it. No sooner was it over that I awoke to find my issues leading the wall being built were nothing more then cold feet and empty apprehensions. A lot of I'm sorry's and boy was I an idiot followed this in a few heart felt message's to her but the damage was done and the icing on the cake was provided in part by receiving a dear john letter/email.

    Almost two months go by and a few emails here and there transpired from each of us asking how each one is doing but nothing too emotional was included in any letter, just mearly two friends saying hello. The emails puttered out and the communication was all but done and over with. While still a little sadness remained for my other half, I went about life and simply got on with things. I eventually came to the conclusion that I wasn't through with the FSU search and that I was ready to jump back into the pool again. I searched a ton of sites and profiles and finally came across one agency and one profile in particular that seriously caught my eye. The agency in question has as spotless a record as an agency could have and their  women are all exactly who they are presented as on their profiles. After a quick talk with the owner of the agency and asking about this particular member of theirs, they confirmed everything I needed to know and after asking myself more times then needed if I was ready to get back into this search I agreed the time was right and I was more then ready to try and strike something up with the lady who really caught my eye.

   I'm now about ready to invest my time and money with this agency and it's respective member but just before I went to send them my money and fire off my initial email to this member, I received a reverse dear john letter from my ex. She went on to explain how sorry she was that her and I wound up where we did and she went on to tell me how she still thinks of me and still has deep feelings for me.  I too had deep feelings for her and enjoyed her company and the potential she had for the future. However, since the breakup I've done my best to put her and my feelings for her somewhere other then my heart. It wasn't easy but I did it and it's what brought me to the next potential match.

    So, now here I am. I have my ex wanting to make another go of it and to be honest I can't blame her as we did have a great connection and a lot of positives in our favor towards making the jump up the relationship ladder. On the other hand, I have lady number two lined up and ready to go and the initial match up seems to be a good one and had me very excited at the thoughts of what could be. I'm currently stuck on the fence and can't select which side to go over and how to go about it.

    My ex doesn't know that I have tried to move on and select someone else and I'm at a loss how to guide myself through the next steps. I want to be honest and let her know I do care for her and I would like to try it again but there's also another part of
my brain that wants to go and try my luck with the next girl as she could be an even better fit then the first. I want to let my ex know that I want to try option number two and if it doesn't work out then I'll go with her but that's about as unromantic as one could be.  So, now I'm left wondering what to do... go with door number one  or try door number two.

   Thoughts ?

[Ade]

It's very easy for guys to fall into for the "maybe the next one is even better..." trap.

Then again, if your feelings for your old girlfriend were that deep you wouldn't be asking this question now would you...? Don't try to force something that isn't there but only you can honestly answer if there is or not.

FWIW, I know from personal experience that rushing into a relationship before dealing with personal issues remaining from prior relationships is a bad idea. Although I'll admit that the baggage isn't always obvious until you've managed to mess up yet another relationship because of them.

[I/O]

Sitting with one leg either side of the fence gives you sore nuts and recycled relationships usually aren't very gratifying. On the other hand, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Probably the most logical thing to do is what most guys will do, lie to them both, go get it on with them both and then try to figure out what you want.

[Lily]

So basically you want a woman's perspective on whether you should give your past relationship another try after 7 months of corresponence and a personal visit, or you should move and search further. Please correct me if I get you wrong.

IMHO you have had a considerable time of letters writing time, and you also made some eye-to-eye time in real life. That would eventually be enough for deciding whether you want to be together for a long time, or not.

However, if deep inside you feel that your ex might still be a viable option, then you could consider writing her ex a serious well-thought letter asking her why she feels that you still have chances as a couple after such a long time. Is she a kind od undecisive person? It was quite enough time for both of you to think and to come to some conclusion.

In short, ask herself and ask yourself.

[Patagonie]

I'm pretty sure she has an option too.
Do you know if all her ads are active ? (important to know it)
I you don't answer she will use it. It doesn't prove that your both "second chances" will work.
You MUST contact her again anyway.

Patagonie.

[BillyB]

I think you could best describe this slow down and wall being put into effect due to a case of cold feet and issues from past relationships.

I awoke to find my issues leading the wall being built were nothing more then cold feet and empty apprehensions.

A lot of I'm sorry's and boy was I an idiot followed this in a few heart felt message's to her but the damage was done and the icing on the cake was provided in part by receiving a dear john letter/email.

Lot's of missing information here. Why did you feel like an idiot and have to say a lot of "sorrys" if she only had cold feet? There's more to this.

Never tell a RW about your past relationships no matter how much she digs and if you have to say anything, give the minimum amount of info as possible. The very fact you are talking about other women means you are not focusing on her.  Why did you need to apologize for the past. It shows weakness and guilt. You should've wrote her you did no wrong and your past is the past and then talk about what the future will bring with you and her.

I suspect two reasons you are wanting to move on. You found a prettier face and she is giving you pleasant attention. You have not met those women so you aren't able to see any of their bad sides if they have any. With the new women, there are a lot of unknowns.

Compared to the unknowns with the new RW you're communicating with, with your ex RW their are a lot of knowns and you should let us in on them if you want help on making a decision. Did your ex RW have a good reason to dump you or did she have little or no reason to dump you based on whatever you did or say? Did she throw a childish temper tantrum or dump you to test you , break you, or manipulate you to get something out of you? You were ready to make a life with her but whatever she done or how she acted, you are now turned off with her and are hoping for something better. I think one reason you want to go back to her is because she is now willing to make a life with you and it can happen quick compared  to another long process of dating, courting and visa process with another lady. Accepting the quick easy solution to getting married is not a good reason to marry.

Without enough info, I'd have to guess you are not in love with your ex RW anymore due to the fact you are focused on other women and your ex has already exhibited behavior that she can abandon the relationship so easily over what you said about your past and can do it again. Are you really to blame in the breakup and did she had a good reason to dump you? Until more info comes out, I'd have to say focus on another woman. Do not tell your ex that you are doing so, don't mention other women, but tell her you can't make a commitment now and that you need more time to make a decision. For all you know, you got dumped for a potential better man. Trying to select the best mate possilble isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[Shadow]

How long do you plan to have a long-distance relationship this time, and are you sure that when it comes to the possibility of living together you will not have cold feet again ?

[FredC]

I'll offer a suggestion, not knowing how good your ex's English skills are. Make a 3-way call using Anastassia Ash as a translator. She has a very good intuition when it comes to judging FSU ladies. When the two of you are done talking things out. Anastassia can give you her opinion of the situation. It will give you an objective opinion of the situation. I hope this helps......

[Turboguy]

Step number 1 might be to get yourself a pair of electric socks.  If there is any chance you will get cold feet again do yourself a favor and take up a new hobby.  If you have any trouble finding them I have a pair of brand new, never worn battery powered electric socks someone gave me for Christmas many years ago that I will sell you cheap.  There is no sense giving anyone hopes if there is any chance you will chicken out again.

That being said.  I have heard that "You can never go back"  I don't know if it is true but I have never had much luck rekindling something that died.  Sometimes too, what we think happened was really some inner voice that is telling us there is something wrong that our logic can't see.

That out of the way, you are not real clear on the status with the new woman.  You don't say if you have even written her or talked to her just that you found her listed with a reputable agency.  They say it is not good to put all your eggs in one basket but do you even have an egg yet?

I don't think you should lead the former GF on if your heart isn't there.  I would say call the airlines and get a ticket to meet the new one as quick as you can.  Once you have some real face to face time with the new one you will have a lot better feel for what you want to do.  I think Fred's suggestion might be a good one.  An objective third party opinion might help and you will get that better using Anastasia to call her than from those of us here who have no first hand experience with either woman. 

[Gator]

That being said.  I have heard that "You can never go back"  I don't know if it is true but I have never had much luck rekindling something that died.  Sometimes too, what we think happened was really some inner voice that is telling us there is something wrong that our logic can't see.
 

Agree.  If your ex- were ideal, I doubt you would have gotten cold feet.  Your ex- was not feeling much either if she wrote you a Dear John letter.

And don't believe her "change of heart" letter.  I can show you one from my soon ex-wife (7 more days) that will bring tears to your eyes.  The letter to me was probably true at the time yet things change.

I am with I/O.  Go meet both, yet be sure to start with Number Two.  Conclude your trip with your ex-.  Do not make any commitments while in the FSU.  Return to your home and think for a long time.  Then decide.

BTW, how many days have you spent together with your ex-?

[irish]

Crap or get off the Pot !!!!!!!!

Make the decision.

Your on the fence, most here will push you towards the new RW - me inc.

But keep the options open if you want, write the ex find out what was going on
Write the new RW, see where it goes

Nothing Ventured nothing Gained

But trust me cold feet don't get warmer the second tome around
But if it did not work the first time, while would it work the second time???

[Faux Pas]

Was it Einstein that said "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"?

[Makkin]

  Yes it was Einstein.

[GregfromGa]

Sitting with one leg either side of the fence gives you sore nuts and recycled relationships usually aren't very gratifying. On the other hand, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Probably the most logical thing to do is what most guys will do, lie to them both, go get it on with them both and then try to figure out what you want.

This is the correct answer. The first question I have is how much time did you spend with the first girl? Do they even remotely live close to each other? Are you able to emotionally and financially able commit to either one of them? If so then you need to just lie to both of them until you figure it all out. If you are not able to travel enough over the next few months then you might want to find another hobby.

[JR]

Hmmmm

Girl number one...lots of good correspondance and a good face to face meeting. You got cold feet and she sensed that you are not serious hence the Dear John letter.

Girl number two...you don't even know if she'll respond to you.

Such a prediciment.

I like what I/O said )))) Bang em both and lie to em all!!!!!!!!

But take a lesson from Lily. When asked what she would do if she got cold feet in regards to moving to Canada she said "Then I will go to Canada with cold feet."

[mialia]

  I thought a woman's perspective would be best for the following but I don't mind if the guys in the house also jump in on this issue.

   I'm at a cross road with my search and I'm having a difficult time coming up the answer to my quandary.

   Long story, short.... Was in a good relationship for about 7 months, things went very well, including my trip over to visit. Around the final month, things went into slow motion and a wall was created by both of us although it's initial foundation was set by myself. I think you could best describe this slow down and wall being put into effect due to a case of cold feet and issues from past relationships. In the end this wall became to large for her and I to continue on with our relationship and we put an end to it. No sooner was it over that I awoke to find my issues leading the wall being built were nothing more then cold feet and empty apprehensions. A lot of I'm sorry's and boy was I an idiot followed this in a few heart felt message's to her but the damage was done and the icing on the cake was provided in part by receiving a dear john letter/email.

    Almost two months go by and a few emails here and there transpired from each of us asking how each one is doing but nothing too emotional was included in any letter, just mearly two friends saying hello. The emails puttered out and the communication was all but done and over with. While still a little sadness remained for my other half, I went about life and simply got on with things. I eventually came to the conclusion that I wasn't through with the FSU search and that I was ready to jump back into the pool again. I searched a ton of sites and profiles and finally came across one agency and one profile in particular that seriously caught my eye. The agency in question has as spotless a record as an agency could have and their  women are all exactly who they are presented as on their profiles. After a quick talk with the owner of the agency and asking about this particular member of theirs, they confirmed everything I needed to know and after asking myself more times then needed if I was ready to get back into this search I agreed the time was right and I was more then ready to try and strike something up with the lady who really caught my eye.

   I'm now about ready to invest my time and money with this agency and it's respective member but just before I went to send them my money and fire off my initial email to this member, I received a reverse dear john letter from my ex. She went on to explain how sorry she was that her and I wound up where we did and she went on to tell me how she still thinks of me and still has deep feelings for me.  I too had deep feelings for her and enjoyed her company and the potential she had for the future. However, since the breakup I've done my best to put her and my feelings for her somewhere other then my heart. It wasn't easy but I did it and it's what brought me to the next potential match.

    So, now here I am. I have my ex wanting to make another go of it and to be honest I can't blame her as we did have a great connection and a lot of positives in our favor towards making the jump up the relationship ladder. On the other hand, I have lady number two lined up and ready to go and the initial match up seems to be a good one and had me very excited at the thoughts of what could be. I'm currently stuck on the fence and can't select which side to go over and how to go about it.

    My ex doesn't know that I have tried to move on and select someone else and I'm at a loss how to guide myself through the next steps. I want to be honest and let her know I do care for her and I would like to try it again but there's also another part of
my brain that wants to go and try my luck with the next girl as she could be an even better fit then the first. I want to let my ex know that I want to try option number two and if it doesn't work out then I'll go with her but that's about as unromantic as one could be.  So, now I'm left wondering what to do... go with door number one  or try door number two.

   Thoughts ?

there is no dilemma, as for me. First of all, let me remind you the law of psychology: " we all do our choice about any decision during first three seconds, the rest of the time we are looking for the explanation of the decision we took"... so, while you were writing this "my dilemma"  thing - you knew already who you will choose and as far as i see - your choice is the girl number two. because if you would be sure about first girl - you were not here asking us to  justify your decision ))

what about "cold feet" - hmmmmm... 7 months of letters and only one meeting??????? is that what you mean? if it was me - till 7th month i would get cold not only with my feet )) don't do the same mistake again, if you really like the girl - make you relationships more personal, no letters on email, well.. sometimes, but not too often, more phone calls, sms, let her feel you are close, you are real, you are interested. you need to move forward all the time: from letters to phone calls, from phone calls to visit and so on . and visits of course as many as you both can.

i would compare the relationships with the bottle of good wine. If you have opened the bottle - drink it, if you will put it away for a while - it will go sour even if it was the best wine in the world...

[jb]

from Mialia

you need to move forward all the time: from letters to phone calls, from phone calls to visit and so on Smiley, (or Skype). and visits of course as many as you both can.

Is your ex-girlfriend or her possible replacement in Russia or some other FSU country?  In my humble opinion the continued use of e-mail solely to develop a relationship is archaic and outdated.   You should be using the telephone for all principal communication with a future potential mate, assuming of course, you were smart enough to pick women you can talk to.   

If you don't have it, get Vonage World VOIP phone service for $24.95/month.  If she lives in Russia you can call any Russian land line number for free, Russian cell numbers are about .06/min, if she is in Ukraine the cost is a few more pennies per minute,,, (like .12/min), meanwhile Skype is usually free.  Either way, your interaction with the ladies is ramped up to very much more personal level instantly.  Why waste 7 months and countless dollars on misspent trips to see women you know very little about?  Relying on e-mails is like feeling your way around in the dark, the light switch is your phone.

[felix8787]

Here's my thought on it. Why did you build up this wall? What are you so afraid off? Settleling with one woman and not being able to go to the candy store anymore?  

I searched a ton of sites and profiles and finally came across one agency and one profile in particular that seriously caught my eye.

Not to sound indifferent of your situation, but you want to put this lady on the back burner and then tell her "hey if things don't work out with this new potential lady (mind you that you haven't even made contact with her yet.)
that you will put her on the back burner if things don't work out you will come back to her like nothing ever happened. Right? Kinda feels like your making her sloppy seconds.

Look, you screwed up, now that you are ready to move on you can't because of this reverse dear john letter. You haven't yet paid this agency to make contact with this lady for starters.(My girl is asking me, will there be any guarantee that this girl will even like you? )

So your choice ahead of you is go back with ex that you got cold feet on (was marriage even on the table?) and let her know that you want to make new correspondence with someone else that caught your eye (back burner) or move on, pay this agency and see if this even works for you even though you haven't made contact yet.

felix8787

Another option as other members here suggest, screw'em both, it's not like your committed to them right?

                                                                                              

[felix8787]

Why am I even posting anything, I don't know what the hell im talking about even thought I'm here with my lady in Kriviy Rih. Forget what I posted and do what the hell you want to do!   

My lady says, "You don't know what you want, that is the problem."

Again, take my words with a grain of salt.

felix8787 

[felix8787]

Never tell a RW about your past relationships no matter how much she digs and if you have to say anything, give the minimum amount of info as possible. The very fact you are talking about other women means you are not focusing on her.

I call BS on this. I think that if a RW likes you, don't go and just tell her about your past sexual encounter cause that's all that they were. but if she asks,why would she care about your past relationships even if she wanted to dig the information out of you. What should only matter at that point in time is that you are with her as she is with you. Unless, you have some candy on the side  .

felix8787

[mialia]

Here's my thought on it. Why did you build up this wall? What are you so afraid off? Settleling with one woman and not being able to go to the candy store anymore?  
Not to sound indifferent of your situation, but you want to put this lady on the back burner and then tell her "hey if things don't work out with this new potential lady (mind you that you haven't even made contact with her yet.)
that you will put her on the back burner if things don't work out you will come back to her like nothing ever happened. Right? Kinda feels like your making her sloppy seconds.

Look, you screwed up, now that you are ready to move on you can't because of this reverse dear john letter. You haven't yet paid this agency to make contact with this lady for starters.(My girl is asking me, will there be any guarantee that this girl will even like you? )

So your choice ahead of you is go back with ex that you got cold feet on (was marriage even on the table?) and let her know that you want to make new correspondence with someone else that caught your eye (back burner) or move on, pay this agency and see if this even works for you even though you haven't made contact yet.

felix8787

Another option as other members here suggest, screw'em both, it's not like your committed to them right?

                                                                                              

you will put her on the back burner if things don't work out you will come back to her like nothing ever happened. Right? Kinda feels like your making her sloppy seconds.



exactly!!!!! the first lady is not like "your car in the garage" - you put it there and then came back to pick it up to where you place it, being so sure that it is not gone. why are you so sure that the first lady will wait for you while you are taking your chance with another woman? Do you really believe that there is any woman in the world who will handle such an attitude????? it like "yes, honey, sure, take your time, have fun with another woman, I'm here, I'm waiting for you to decide..." come on! )) never gonna happen you can't start new relationships till you are not done with previous ones - it will be more than unfair to both of the ladies. you don't want to be unfair, do you? ))))))

[I/O]

you can't start new relationships till you are not done with previous ones - it will be more than unfair to both of the ladies. you don't want to be unfair, do you? ))))))

Try telling that to the "Visit Many" crowd.

[rambler]

In the last year there were two Russian girls that gave me the push and both came back. Now that really was a dilemma because I'd already met the second one after the first one gave me the push.

I of course asked why they had given me the push. One said to do it to me before i did it to her.  I read in her character that she was afraid to commit in case she was rejected.  Actually her parents totally disapproved but she decided that was not a factor and came back later. the others parents were going matchmaker on me.

One  met a guy locally who she was initially very attracted to but on second thoughts was a  non starter. So she sounded me out again. By this time I had met the other and she had not exactly said no way, just that I should forget her.....  not the same thing.  So I went back to see the other and was able to get that back on track but then she went quiet for several  months. When the other came back making it obvious all systems were green again I committed to her ..... and then a few weeks too late the other came back.  So to this day I am pretty sure I could have married either and I did marry one of them  ....

So you are right- it is a dilemma.  But I will say one thing...  a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  So what are you going to do if you met the second and they are both equally beautiful, intelligent, desirable and willing?  You could lose both by playing away and being caught out, or you can go for the certainty now. Only you can choose.  You're not really going to marry a woman you have already been unfaithful to, c'mon! One day you will have to look her in the eye and swear by all you hold sacred you have never been unfaithful.

R

[Seeker]

In the last year there were two Russian girls that gave me the push and both came back. Now that really was a dilemma because I'd already met the second one after the first one gave me the push.

I of course asked why they had given me the push. One said to do it to me before i did it to her.  I read in her character that she was afraid to commit in case she was rejected.  Actually her parents totally disapproved but she decided that was not a factor and came back later. the others parents were going matchmaker on me.

One  met a guy locally who she was initially very attracted to but on second thoughts was a  non starter. So she sounded me out again. By this time I had met the other and she had not exactly said no way, just that I should forget her.....  not the same thing.  So I went back to see the other and was able to get that back on track but then she went quiet for several  months. When the other came back making it obvious all systems were green again I committed to her ..... and then a few weeks too late the other came back.  So to this day I am pretty sure I could have married either and I did marry one of them  ....

So you are right- it is a dilemma.  But I will say one thing...  a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  So what are you going to do if you met the second and they are both equally beautiful, intelligent, desirable and willing?  You could lose both by playing away and being caught out, or you can go for the certainty now. Only you can choose.  You're not really going to marry a woman you have already been unfaithful to, c'mon! One day you will have to look her in the eye and swear by all you hold sacred you have never been unfaithful.

R

Wow...  VERY well said.  Not just the bold part... but that stood out to me the most.

[I/O]

the bush.

Better without bush.