Pre-flight Self-assessment

[BC]

Having floated around these boards for a couple of years I get the distinct impression that the MOB / RW arena may be especially attractive for persons with deeper, unresolved mental issues.

Surfing through a couple of co-dependency websites I noted that many of the symptoms described seem to 'fit' quite a few posters here and elsewhere, enough so to prompt this post. 

Of course any venue will have a percentage of folks with possible problems but it seems to be more prevalent in circles of folks actively and explicitly seeking foreign wives (or husbands).. Am I alone in my thoughts?

Remember we're not talking just AM or WM rw seekers here.. I'm sure it also applies to FSU women seeking a foreign husband.

Looking for good general discourse and not the laymans diagnosis of anyone around here. 

Below are some of the self-assessment questions that were asked on these sites..

Do any of the questions really seem to stick out in your experiences on RW related fora (forums)?


Do you have difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships?

Do you Believe that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions?
(Do you often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")
 
Do you overreact to change? (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

Do you feel inabile to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively?

Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation, yet having compromising sense of self?

Do you share feelings of being different?

Do you feel confused and inadequate?

Are you either super responsible or super irresponsible? (Or alternating between these.)

Do you lack self confidence in making decisions, or have no sense of power when making choices?

Are you hypersensitive to criticism?

Are you addicted to excitement / drama? (Chaos making.)

Do you feel a dependency upon others or have fears of abandonment?

Do you confuse love and pity?

Do you have a tendency to look for "victims" to help?

Do you feel the need for rigidity and need to control?

Do you Lie, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth?

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

[catzenmouse]

Well now, I replied "Yes" to most of these things so I guess I'm "one of them" ("No you are not!" "Yes I am and you be quiet!" "Would you two stop that!" "I'm trying to type here!" "Oh shut up! You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!" "That's it! Both of you go to your room!")....

 Now that the meds have kicked in I can finish....

 I think that most of us who have been around these boards for a few years can easily name off a handful or two of people that we see, or have heard of, to be involved in this for all the wrong reasons on both side of the pond.

 Probably much of the "hype" from the agencies feeds directly into the feelings of inadequacy and/or isolation that seems to be a commonality amongst those with these issues.

Ken

[PeeWee]

I think there is a mix of all types. From one extreem to the other. Just as these traits are found in AM who seek AW. I have yet to fully understand why an WM would seek an EEW. Or any foriegn woman for that matter. I have a former brother-in-law and a former nephew who both flew to the Philippines to find and marry Filipinas. Both have now been married for over 15 years each to these women. They seem like normal guys to me and their marriages are working.

For myself I do not even remember why I got started in this. I do not think it was because I was tired of AW as so many guys claim. I was telling Lena about it a few weeks ago, because she asked why. She is a lot smarter than I am and as I said before her English vocabulary is even larger than mine is. Often I have to get the dictionary to look up a word that she has written in her letter.

I told her that I believe that I was influneced by two things. The story of Dr Zhivago, my most favorite by Boris Pasternak and, of all people, James Bond, and after reading Bunin's "Light Breathing and other stories". Even further back, when I was a wee peewee my mama peewee used to play for me Sergei Prokofiev's "Peter and the Wolf". A long term and simmering fascination with mother Russia and all things Russian developed within my soul.

I married an AW. A beautiful lady. A former actress with two Hollywood movies to her credit at the time and a former Miss Universe who acutally did not win but was voted "most photogenic" in her group. So she was a 10 by everyone's measure and I was happy to have her. We had a great son and then divorced after 10 years. Some years later I met a guy, a client of mine, who had just returned from Brazil with a beautiful Brazilian lady in tow. I was not only stuck by her beauty, this guy was your average schmoe, but by the process that he followed to find her.

Fueled by his story my former long dormant passion for all things Russian came together and like adding gas to fire my quest manifested into my desire to find an RW. The Internet was the way and I found the agencies. I have not looked back since.

Within the past few months a hot Russian doctor managed to find me on the Internet and wrote to me. As I said she is well beyond me in intellegence and looks. A very delightful woman and because she had just begun the Internet experience she has yet to become both jaded and cynical. I like her fresh enthusiasm. But what they say about RW is a lot true. They are more based in the home, the family, and in relationship building. I have yet to ask an RW is she will do something for me and not have her reply, "I have not done it before but I will try." "I will try." Delivered with all of the sincerity in the world. I really like that about RW.

Peewee

[Admin]

For myself I do not even remember why I got started in this. I do not think it was because I was tired of AW as so many guys claim. I was telling Lena about it a few weeks ago, because she asked why. She is a lot smarter than I am and as I said before her English vocabulary is even larger than mine is. Often I have to get the dictionary to look up a word that she has written in her letter.

I told her that I believe that I was influneced by two things. The story of Dr Zhivago, my most favorite by Boris Pasternak and, of all people, James Bond, and after reading Bunin's "Light Breathing and other stories". Even futher back, when I was a wee peewee my mama peewee used to play for me Sergei Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf. A long term and simmering fascination with mother Russia and all things Russian developed with in my soul.

I married an AW. A beautiful lady. A former actress with two Hollywood movies to her credit and a former Miss Universe who acutally did not win but was voted "most photogenic" in her group. So she was a 10 by everyone's measure and I was happy to have her. We had a great son and then divorced after 10 years. Some years later I met a guy, a client of mine, who had just returned from Brazil with a beautiful Brazilian lady in tow. I was not only stuck by her beauty, this guy was your average schmoe, but by the process that he followed to find her.

Fueled by his story my former long dormant passion for all things Russian came togther and like adding gas to fire my quest manifested into my desire to find an RW. The Internet was the way and I found the agencies. I have not looked back since.

I recall exactly when it was I had my first real illumination about Ukraine and women from the FSU. I was in Turkey at the Istanbul airport in 1998 awaiting a flight to Amman, Jordan. I saw a bevy of incredibly beautiful women hanging around a particular gate. Turns out they were returning to Kyiv - a city which I barely even recognized, except for the press reports about Chernobyl.

At an earlier point, due to a great deal of international travel, I had the opportunity to witness numerous relationships between western men and the local women. In most instances, it was western men with Asian women, but also some from Europe. I was often impressed with the strength of those relationships and how much stronger they seemed, on average, than the ones I knew back in the States between AM and AW.

The combination of those experiences - holding a favorable view of international marriages - and seeing the beauty of women from Ukraine - along with a sense of adventure and love of travel - all led me to spend more time in the FSU and to be open to the prospect of a possible relationship when my marriage to an AWBFH foundered.

- Dan

[Maxx2]

Nobody has it all together including "normal" people.

I talked with my younger brother about doing some foreign travel. He said "What for? I would rather spend this money on deer hunting". His world is in a area between the Western suburbs of Minneapolis and the Western half of Wisconsin. He will spend the rest of his life here. My guess he is a better representive of a typical AM than I am. So for whatever issues that I may have that motivates me to look outside the norm and do things different I am thankfull for.

Maxx 

[catzenmouse]

Nobody has it all together including "normal" people.

I've always been rather happy to NOT be normal. The same to be said for "common knowledge". If most of the people that I have come across in my life are average or normal. F that! I want nothing to do with it!

So for whatever issues that I may have that motivates me to look outside the norm and do things different I am thankfull for.

Maxx 

Amen to that one Brother Maxx! 

[coco]

just have an other Grappa BC

[Daknack]

Ive never been called "Normal".  I personally would be insulted at the suggestion.

[Maxx2]

Well there is 'odd good' and 'odd bad'. I would guess the percentage of 'odd good' on this board is in the high nineties. I would call these people colorful until they got to be about JB or Turboguy's age. Then I would call them ecentric. IMO some of the best people I know are on these message boards. My list of the others, the demented, is a short one. Usually these people are so whacked out they don't have the ability to stick around (there was one recently here). They may have gotten themselves a MOB who is either as anti-social as they are or is in chains of one sort or the other.

Maxx

[Markus]

BC,

With you having over 1500 posts and my little number of posts that I have, you should be the expert. Or, perhaps you are spending too much time trying to find out "who you are." Now, as I have been put on the spot about my personal data, I will apply the same thinking to you. I know nothing about you, and, out of the blue, I see a post with an irrelevant subject from you, with you thinking that your questions apply to a man/men wanting to spend the rest of his life with a good lady, yet, it's more of a subject that could apply more to you rather than other people. I'll step up to the plate and answer your questions. But, I would think that a man who searches boards on co-dependency and tries to apply what he has found, being you, to other people, is a man who has found something he relates with. In your spare time, time that I don't have, you try to correlate your thinking with men who desire FSUW. Have you “found yourself” on those co-dependency boards and think that some men think like you think? I would like to know, since you are a floater for a couple of years; did you ever act upon what you learned? Are you married to an FSUW and now are trying to apply what you found out about yourself to newbies, or are you still floating about?

You also state in your learning process that you have learned things that apply to the “quite a few” posters here, excluding you (my own words).  Of course, you refer to what you have learned as "symptoms", a word that implies that an injury or disease has happened. Now, interpreting your use of the word symptom, I would think you are saying any man who wants an FSUW has a disease or injury, except for you.  Did you find out about yourself in your co-dependence research? Please, don't try to apply who you are to other or some people on this board. If you have "found yourself" in your research, don't apply your problems as if everyone else who seeks an FSUW has your problems. That statement, sir, is exactly what you want to justify in your mind because that's what you have learned about who you really are, and, you want to try and use a forum to justify yourself.  So, let me answer your questions that you have spent so much time researching.

Do you have difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships?

Not all all.

Do you Believe that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions?
(Do you often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")

When people answer the verbatim questions you have given, it shows a person who is not aggressive or passive, but an assertive person who wants to know the answer. Holding the questions above within or asking the questions above in anger is not the answer. So, who ever came up with this question either has nothing to do, or the person has not experienced reality with respect to problems. I think we are experiencing the questions from folks that are newbies as new as the newbies just reading here. The difference is the newbies here just want to learn, but the newbies who came up with these questions want to feel "smart."

Do you overreact to change? (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

I enjoy change and like to teach people who don't like change.

Do you feel inabile to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively?

I don't know what inabile means.

Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation, yet having compromising sense of self?

The key word is "constantly." It's OK to seek advice on something now and then. This is IMO, but, a person should seek advice now and then. Now, let's consider that these questions are from "experienced" people who know what they are talking about. The word "constantly" is used in the question. If you or any person falls into the "constantly" category, when does the person sleep and eat and drink? Does the person talk in their sleep or when they drink a glass of water is the "seeking approval" heard? The orginators of this question, the experts in this field know that the word "always" is not appropriate  because a person does not "always" do something. Read a few books on relationships and marriage and "constantly" and "always" are words to avoid. What we have are questions from the some folks wanting to feel intelligent.

Do you share feelings of being different?

If an individual does not realize that he/she is different, then that's the problem. Compare the patterns of the fingerprints of people and the conclusion will be that we are all different. Confidence increases in a person when that person realizes he/she is different. People should strive to be happy with who they are. Yes, I'm different.


Do you feel confused and inadequate?

I'm confused wondering why you would post such a post, and I hope my spelling errors are not inadequate.

Are you either super responsible or super irresponsible? (Or alternating between these.)

Is "super" before the word responsible, the new terminology that is related to super closure? The bottom line is either is a person feels responsible or does not feel responsible. Don't hook up into the new adjectives.

Do you lack self confidence in making decisions, or have no sense of power when making choices?

I'm TOWW. I didn't have any problem making a decision.

Are you hypersensitive to criticism?

Well, yes and no. But, on this board, I like to slowing rub it in when I'm correct.

Are you addicted to excitement / drama? (Chaos making.)

What idiot thought up this question? Did anyone see the Mavericks play the Spurs last night? It was boring, especially at the end. There was no excitement.

Do you feel a dependency upon others or have fears of abandonment?

Any man without a wife will be dependent to talk to some person. That's a fact. It's not abnormal to want to be with other people. Men who have experienced a divorce, going from somebody to an empty house can attest to that fact. Having the "being only single" experience makes being alone much easier, and the single person doesn't know the difference. But, again, the question is misleading not taking into account different situations.

Do you confuse love and pity?

The person who came up with this question has probably been so hurt because a "love" situation didn't work out. But, now to take place of that attempt at love, the person has learned what it means to "hurt" inside so, now, as apposed to before the love, they automatically care about other people. The person empathizes now and has given up on finding another "love" mate. Or, the person has reverted to being gay.

Do you have a tendency to look for "victims" to help?

This question is motivated from the "pity" question above this question. 

Do you feel the need for rigidity and need to control?

Well now who doesn't want to be in control, unless it's a person who answered yes to most of the questions above? Being in control is easy, but, balancing love and trust is a completely different topic. A marriage is not about control, but about love, which manifests trust.

Do you Lie, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth?

I never lie.

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Well, if you had used the word "care" in place of "responsible", I would say yes. But, I have learned to wrestle with my emotions and fake myself out to not care. But, I still react in necessary situations.


Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

With 3 brothers and 2 sisters who all have strong opinions, I've learned to offer advice in a subtle manner. There are situations where a person could feel compelled, which can be motivated from trying to be correct (a strong motivation for some on this board), or from really caring. But, what your question does not address, is how a person goes about dealing with those people. So, my answer would be yes.

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

This statement is normally a product of a person who has never experienced "injustices" in their own life. It's always easier to deal with other people's problems. That's why some psychiatrists are phonies (Carl Rogers, though, was genuine).

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

I have given too much, now I balance my giving.

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

I love it when people give to me.

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

Yes, that's why I'm responding to this post.

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

No, I don't gossip.

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Well, if I was a plumber, carpenter, carpet layer, house decorator, I would say yes. But, I'm trying to be all of the above. Perhaps I should hire out the work.

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

Well isn't this a question the thinks tanks thought up? First of all, abuse is something no person should tolerate. But, "relationships that don't work", let's consider what that means. Does it mean there will not be differences in opinions of spouses, or does it mean a vague term that the originator of the question was afraid of providing specifics on the question. Come on, get to the point.

Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

Is a relationship that "didn't work", apart from abuse, a bad relationship? Heck, there are people on boards who can't even agree in this small world. But, should a person "give up" because of a relationship where the two people were not compatible. And, even if subsequent relationships are experienced and don't work out, could it be the initiator of relationship was choosing the wrong person.

BC,

I really enjoy original thought, but you took another person's/organization's thoughts to show what you think. I could drill you personally on many questions about who you are and why you do what you do. Frankly, you would get upset, even if you are the lawyer BC, but at this point, I don't know who you are. Perhaps you are in the comfortable "Been Married For Several Years" and you want to use your tenure as a springboard to post questions to people but not to you. It's either that statement or you are still struggling with the answers to the above questions. I feel that you have "found yourself" in your questions and you think other people can "find themselves" as you did. Otherwise, why would you post such thoughts? I can debate in the affirmative or negative on either side of any of the questions. But, I will conclude with a statement, not to you, but to newbies whom some are just reading, some are searching, and some who have made their first trip (hopefully they won't be experts now), but, I am concerned only about giving newbies the correct thoughts.

These questions are only from the "experts" who job is to solve your/my problems, but not their problems. As in my answer to one of the questions, it's much easier to solve other people's problems rather than "your" (the person asking the question) personal problems. The use of the word "constantly" was a big give away into the "experience" of the source where these questions were found.  So, to newbies, don't let this vague questionaire deter any man from pursing an FSUW. I had a bunch of sarcastic questions ready to post, but I thought I should save my thoughts for later.

BC, please, in the future, at least get some people who know the in/s and outs of relationships before you apply your expert questions to "most on this board." You left so many holes, and I was nice this time, but, try and justify your questions and I will be glad to slowly show your post has nothing to solely do with the FSUW process, and, in your words, applies to most posters on this board.  I will begin with the word "constantly." Show me how your expert sources justify a word that is completely against terminology used within a relationship. Your source is flawed. Now, I can give you this, I was "constantly" breathing during this post.

Mark



Mark

[jb]

Good Gawd, Mark~!

There was a reason the thread was labled "Self-assessment".  Do you not understand the concept?  Maybe it's just me, but in your effort to to make BC look small, you sure didn't do your own image any good.  Bad, Mark,,,really bad.

[BC]

LOL jb,

I actually found  Marks response quite interesting, albeit from a slightly different perspective than the probable intent of his post.

Really Mark, all I did was state that I had seen some similarities with questionaires presented on other sites and asked/stated:

Of course any venue will have a percentage of folks with possible problems but it seems to be more prevalent in circles of folks actively and explicitly seeking foreign wives (or husbands).. Am I alone in my thoughts?

Looking for good general discourse and not the laymans diagnosis of anyone around here.

Below are some of the self-assessment questions that were asked on these sites..

Do any of the questions really seem to stick out in your experiences on RW related fora (forums)?

The intent of my post was quite clear (I think?) and I am considering using responses to try and pick the best questions someone going into this venture should be asking himself before jumping. I'm pleased you found so many may be relevant.

If the number of posts I have made here (and if I recall maybe 7 or 800 on other boards) had anything to do with my intelligence, expertise or absolute knowledge I would certainly not ask others here their thoughts, or pose questions as I did.  In fact there would be no reason for me to post here at all.

I have been interested in street-level psychology since college days. I must admit after stumbling across RW related fora, the factors that drive a man (or woman) halfway around the world in search of a mate are indeed very interesting.  I do peruse many sites that discuss reasoning behind human behavior.  I have found that the knowledge I gain doing so makes it much easier to understand myself and relate better to others around me. I can also boldly state that many things I have learned on this forum and other sites were beneficial and often essential in my relationship.

I play to learn, not to win.

[PeeWee]

LOL jb,

I actually found  Marks response quite interesting, albeit from a slightly different perspective than the probable intent of his post.

Really Mark, all I did was state that I had seen some similarities with questionaires presented on other sites and asked/stated:

The intent of my post was quite clear (I think?) and I am considering using responses to try and pick the best questions someone going into this venture should be asking himself before jumping. I'm pleased you found so many may be relevant.

If the number of posts I have made here (and if I recall maybe 7 or 800 on other boards) had anything to do with my intelligence, expertise or absolute knowledge I would certainly not ask others here their thoughts, or pose questions as I did.  In fact there would be no reason for me to post here at all.

I have been interested in street-level psychology since college days. I must admit after stumbling across RW related fora, the factors that drive a man (or woman) halfway around the world in search of a mate are indeed very interesting.  I do peruse many sites that discuss reasoning behind human behavior.  I have found that the knowledge I gain doing so makes it much easier to understand myself and relate better to others around me. I can also boldly state that many things I have learned on this forum and other sites were beneficial and often essential in my relationship.

I play to learn, not to win.

BC, this now brings a question to my mind. I might be interested in knowing what you now know but I may not have the time to research it like you have. What have you learned that might apply to us here?

Peewee

[Admin]

BC, this now brings a question to my mind. I might be interested in knowing what you now know but I may not have the time to research it like you have. What have you learned that might apply to us here?

Peewee

PMFJI (does anyone use that phrase anymore??)

Just a few of the pop psychology books I've read which have a direct relationship to much of what I see here:

* Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix
* Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman
* The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck
* A Different Drum, by M. Scott Peck

And those are just a few.

Hendrix book addresses "limerance" - what we often call "lust" - and how we create and form patterns of belief about what we want in a love relationship - and then achieve it, or repeatedly fail to find it.

Seligman's book is phenomenal. It addresses "attributional style" and how it influences us, and others around us - and more. He also addresses how it can be adjusted for life's circumstances. There may be no better book ever written on this topic.

The Road Less Traveled starts with three simple words - "Life is difficult." - and goes on to discuss love and its true meaning, integrity - a concept lost in much of the modern world - and much, much more. It was the book which put Peck "on the map" so to speak - and he became one of the most influential psychology authors of our day.

His work in A Different Drum eventually spawned the FCE (Foundation for Community Encouragement) - and some of the tenets of the Forum you enjoy here - is based on his research and findings.

And there is MUCH more - such as Albert Ellis Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy - often practiced by such board bastions as KenC and jb 

The study into the RAS (Reticular Activation System) which helps explain why people 'lock-on' to a favored theme, and seem unable to shift to any different paradigm.

There really is not anything too "magical" about this endeavor. The "magic" comes from finding the person whom you want to share your life with - and who reciprocates it back. The person who will stand by your side - propping you up at times when needed - so that the two of you might confront the demons who inevitably attack ANY strong relationship - and I do not mean only spiritual demons - I mean demons such as financial difficulties or health problems or interfering neighbors or those who would witness the joy in your marriage and seek to harm it just for the pleasure of causing harm to another.

Just my reflective $.02 today.

FWIW

- Dan

[BC]

PeeWee,

Fair question.

Here's a few principles I try to follow that may apply:

Expectations..
Of myself - kept well within limits of reality at a slow but steady pace.  Of others - to be avoided like the plague. I try my best to be serene and spiritual (not talking religion) enough to accept whatever flavor life has in store for me.  I never expected to be married to a Russian woman, have another child or live where and how I do.  Sure, efforts on my part are needed to get somewhere but I prefer swimming and choosing currents going in the direction I would like to go even if I have to be patient and wait for a while. Trying to push life 'my way right now' is pushing the envelope imho. I really do question the need to actively look for a wife and would not do this myself.

Emotions..
If my feathers do get ruffled, I know that my first step must be to qualify and the second to quantify the type of emotion involved. love or lust, anger or fear for example. For each emotion there is a friend/foe relationship where I set the level of tolerance. i.e. Love has a higher level than fear, fear has a higher level than anger. If a tolerance level is reached bells start ringing and I know my only recourse is to step back, distance myself from the situation and look for resolution in the mirror.  Sure I was emotionally head over heels when I met my wife and the alarms were ringing everywhere but several months were invested thinking and rethinking every aspect I could envision before popping the question.

Ego..
Is really constructive only if kept between my ears.  I remember travelling to some nice places with my wife, great hotels and eats while we were dating... but I did not hesitate at all to make sure she knew that the 'business trip' was being footed by someone else.  When on a purely personal trip we always discussed the cost/benefit looked for good deals and made decisions from there. I try my best not to let expressions of ego form unwarranted expectations of me in others.  I love nice fast cars but renting a Ferarri for a couple of hours will do me just fine.

First things First..
Including myself - I have nothing good to offer even the most perfect wife if I am not reasonably at peace and 'whole' myself.  Attempting to fill some gap or crevice within me by using the lives and futures of others as filler material is simply wrong, temporary and ultimately destructive. Especially in the international marriages we're used to seeing here the responsibility involved can be daunting and should not be taken lightly.

Not one of the thoughts above are really mine but simply bits and pieces of what I've learned from others and pasted together in a way that works for me.

Not to say it's all smooth sailing or that I am infallible.. I've certainly had and will have my share of stumbles and bad falls but I tend to recover quickly and accept that the experience served well to confirm the principles.

[catzenmouse]

A most excellent post BC. Very well laid out and expressed. Many, if not most or all, who look to have a successful life with or without a partner would benefit from this basic mind set/outlook.

Ken (who is not nearly so together or serene)

[Shadow]

I just thought of how many Russians would react to this topic.

Are you going to read books to find out who you are, and how to find someone to share your life with ? What are you going to do when you find someone, read more books ? Will you have a book in bed on how to make love ? Will you read every morning and evening on how to keep relationships good ? What is wrong with trying to think by yourself ? If you love books then marry a book.

You can spend forever anaylizing succesful relationships ans see what makes them work. The problem is that unless you create the same mix of age, background and characters it will not work for you.

Self assesment can be useful to understand what you want and what you are looking for. But the world you will go in to has little to no affinity with these things.

[Admin]

I just thought of how many Russians would react to this topic.

Are you going to read books to find out who you are, and how to find someone to share your life with ? What are you going to do when you find someone, read more books ? Will you have a book in bed on how to make love ? Will you read every morning and evening on how to keep relationships good ? What is wrong with trying to think by yourself ? If you love books then marry a book.

You can spend forever anaylizing succesful relationships ans see what makes them work. The problem is that unless you create the same mix of age, background and characters it will not work for you.

Self assesment can be useful to understand what you want and what you are looking for. But the world you will go in to has little to no affinity with these things.

Interesting topic. Almost every Ukrainian I have discussed this with is highly-suspicious of a "psychologist" or "psychiatrist" and would never voluntarily visit one. I understand that at least a part of their suspicion arises from the fact that the Soviets often used "psychologists" to perform "diagnoses" on people - mostly which resulted in something bad happening to that person.

They would FAR rather visit a "Fortune-Teller" who claims to see, or even influence, future events - than they would see a Psychologist. Maybe they are confusing Psychic with Psychologist - or maybe we are??  ???

- Dan

[Turboguy]

Maxxn I have to say you really made my day. I always thought of myself as boring. I think eccentric sounds like a much more interesting.

[BC]

I am an avid reader, my wife also.  The rest of their family read books as often as we do. Heck folks in the minibus/train/taxi's do too.  The few times in summer where I sat outside in FSU at a cafe there was always someone reading a nice thick book.

I used to read encyclopedia A to Z when I was a kid.. (not to say I remember it all) but found that even novels contain a good bit of factual information that can be easily absorbed.. tidbits here, tidbits there.  After thousands of books something has to 'stick'.

Sure even the 'babushka' in RU still wields power but it won't be too long before even this changes.  Many 'seeds' are being planted every day.