It never gets better.

[GregfromGa]

One might think that after 5 years my ex would soften.  It gets worse. I've never witnessed such a change for the worse in a human being. It's worse than a drug addiction because then you at least know there is a chance that could be fixed with therapy. My ex wife has mental issues. She's mean and nasty and depressed. After 12 years of living in this country she has yet to make any friends. She doesn't want any. My poor kids who are 5 and 8 now are stuck in the middle of this bs. My ex doesnt want my kids to play any sports. My son is a good little wrestler and he loves his flag football. It's just so sad that she cant be nice. I've asked a couple of members of her former cult orthodox church where are they now but they have yet to respond. They were by her side when she lawyered  up those three times and went for the divorce. The world will be a better place when her miserable mother draws her last putrid breath. I've watched her become almost as miserable as her over the years. I dont come here much anymore. I did for years. I've moved on and I've met someone who is very nice to my kids. Her ex is a lunatic as well so we are kindred spirits in that regard. We my mother died a month ago my ex never said she was sorry. My mother always tried to love her. She never spoke or answered the phone the last 5 years when my mom would want to call and talk to the kids. Yes I'm venting. Certain women here told me she would never change. They were right. I don't recommend this course of action for marriage. Think it through very hard.

[ML]

Sorry to hear of this continuing mess for you.
Wish you the best.

[fathertime]

Hey Greg,


I don't think you are interested in writing your children off SO if I were you, I'd do EVERYTHING I could to minimize contact with your ex in whatever ways you can.  She has the ability to destroy their lives with her misery and attitude, and she will.  Bribe her, threaten her, get a lawyer, call law enforcement, child services, whatever you have to do... Play the hardest of ball with her, if that is what you have to do.....These are your kids...if she has no redeeming qualities, and is going to transfer her rancid attitude to your offspring, then do something about it.  If not, expect your children will have attitudes just like your ex. I  think if it were me, I'd crap all over her from every direction...fight tooth and nail....you likely won't get another chance.


Good luck,
Fathertime! 

[Boethius]

I agree with FT.  I would hazard a guess that the courts would view participation in sports as a positive for children.


Bite the bullet, save a lot of money, hire the best lawyer you can, and take her to court on that issue. 

[BillyB]

I don't think you are interested in writing your children off SO if I were you, I'd do EVERYTHING I could to minimize contact with your ex in whatever ways you can.  She has the ability to destroy their lives with her misery and attitude, and she will.  Bribe her, threaten her, get a lawyer, call law enforcement, child services, whatever you have to do... Play the hardest of ball with her, if that is what you have to do.....These are your kids...if she has no redeeming qualities, and is going to transfer her rancid attitude to your offspring, then do something about it.  If not, expect your children will have attitudes just like your ex. I  think if it were me, I'd crap all over her from every direction...fight tooth and nail....you likely won't get another chance.

It's not against the law for Greg's ex wife to be a bitch and an asshole. She could even get drunk and use drugs occasionally and still have the right to majority custody of the children. Greg's wife would have to be a drug addict spending all the money on drugs, starving the kids, or be a hooker bringing in strange men home every night before the court gives Greg majority or full custody. Right now he'd be wasting his money and the fight between them would get even uglier. His kids seen enough ugly already. Don't need to give them more.


The best thing Greg can do is be the best parent possible for his kids and provide them with a healthy family environment when they come to his house. Kids aren't that stupid. They may be affected by some manipulation by one or both parents but they grow up and will figure it out later. No matter how much Greg's ex bad mouths him in front of the kids, they will judge their father's actions by what they see, not by what they hear. Greg should not escalate this fight and give his mother more access to be a part of her grandchildren's lives since his ex refuses to let the kids talk to their grandmother.

[fathertime]

It's not against the law for Greg's ex wife to be a bitch and an asshole. She could even get drunk and use drugs occasionally and still have the right to majority custody of the children. Greg's wife would have to be a drug addict spending all the money on drugs, starving the kids, or be a hooker bringing in strange men home every night before the court gives Greg majority or full custody. Right now he'd be wasting his money and the fight between them would get even uglier. His kids seen enough ugly already. Don't need to give them more.

Well Billy, I really don't know Greg's situation overall...i.e. custody percentages, money supply, work status, etc etc..BUT he seems to think his ex is crazy, depressed...If in this situation, of course first attempt to reason with her, even bribe her if need be...but if this doesn't work, and if she has 75%-90% custody then the kids have a good chance of being majorly screwed up.  That's why I advocate to go for her nuts if you have to...There doesn't need to be any bickering in front of the children, it can be done in court, and if the case is documented properly Greg would likely have more than a puncher's chance of getting some satisfaction.   As it stands the situation is unacceptable to him, and has very little chance of getting better...it has a much greater chance of getting worse. 

The best thing Greg can do is be the best parent possible for his kids and provide them with a healthy family environment when they come to his house. Kids aren't that stupid. They may be affected by some manipulation by one or both parents but they grow up and will figure it out later. No matter how much Greg's e

Actually that is not always the case.  Oftentimes the kids WILL view the world through the same warped lens of the offending parent. Look at Greg's ex, and her mother, (the 'putrid' mother in law). In addition, I wouldn't recommend dad sacrifice the kid's childhood, so maybe at some future date, they may see that he wasn't the devil....a screwed up childhood creates all sorts of risk factors from suicide to drug use, fouled up demeanor, and many other things. 


Really, it is up to Greg though...I'm sure he cares, BUT does he care enough to do something about it?....it is much easier to complain/vent here, while remaining relatively passive....CARING ENOUGH to do fight about it is a different threshold.  I don't know Greg though, he may have some marks against himself that we don't know about....I know if it were me in this situation, I'd fight like hell to gain enough control to have a large say in my children's upbringing...I suspect the issue of playing sports is only the tip of the iceberg....


Fathertime!     

[Slumba]

One of my brothers was in a similar situation.  He wrote letters, and kept copies of them, to the kids.  That way even if the wife blocked the kids from getting the letters, he could show them to the kids later. 

It took many years but the kids now have contact with him, and not with his heinous drug-addled ex-wife.

[BillyB]

I know if it were me in this situation, I'd fight like hell to gain enough control to have a large say in my children's upbringing...I suspect the issue of playing sports is only the tip of the iceberg....
 

There's a cost for Greg to fight like hell. If he hired an attorney for 50 hours times $200 an hour, it'll cost him $10,000 for little over a week's work. The attorney may need to spend more time on Greg's case. The attorney would have to not only prove Greg's ex is a mental case but a danger to the kids. The court isn't going to take the kids away from a mother because she's a bitch or even a mental case unless she's a danger to the kids. Greg will most likely have to pay for the psychiatric evaluation for his ex. Countless sessions and hours may be needed for a mental expert to come to a conclusion.


There are other costs besides money. Greg's ex will accuse him of starting a nasty fight and use that to brainwash the kids for the next dozen or so years. She will double up her efforts in bringing Greg hell to make him pay for the hell she went through in court. If she pays for an attorney herself which may cost her the same as what Greg paid, that's $20,000+ between the both of them they have less to take care of the kids. If the woman is really mental, she could even falsely accuse Greg of being a child molester which the judge will have to temporarily suspend his visitation rights until he proves himself innocent.

Oftentimes the kids WILL view the world through the same warped lens of the offending parent.
   

Young kids love both parents unconditionally at first. They may be confused at first on who to believe when parents bad mouth each other but later in life they will believe and love the parent they respect the most. Greg needs to focus on gaining that respect, not bringing his wife down.


 

[fathertime]

There's a cost for Greg to fight like hell. If he hired an attorney for 50 hours times $200 an hour, it'll cost him $10,000 for little over a week's work. The attorney may need to spend more time on Greg's case. The attorney would have to not only prove Greg's ex is a mental case but a danger to the kids. The court isn't going to take the kids away from a mother because she's a bitch or even a mental case unless she's a danger to the kids. Greg will most likely have to pay for the psychiatric evaluation for his ex. Countless sessions and hours may be needed for a mental expert to come to a conclusion.


There are other costs besides money. Greg's ex will accuse him of starting a nasty fight and use that to brainwash the kids for the next dozen or so years. She will double up her efforts in bringing Greg hell to make him pay for the hell she went through in court. If she pays for an attorney herself which may cost her the same as what Greg paid, that's $20,000+ between the both of them they have less to take care of the kids. If the woman is really mental, she could even falsely accuse Greg of being a child molester which the judge will have to temporarily suspend his visitation rights until he proves himself innocent.



Young kids love both parents unconditionally at first. They may be confused at first on who to believe when parents bad mouth each other but later in life they will believe and love the parent they respect the most. Greg needs to focus on gaining that respect, not bringing his wife down.

It could be costly, and battling it out may not work...really depends...nevertheless, from what Greg has said it sounds like a better option than the status quo...but it doesn't sound like he is up for that battle anyway, or it would have already happened by now....


It isn't about bringing the wife down, (it sounds like she already is down)...it is about gaining some control over the children's lives, which it sounds like he has very little of.  I know this, sometimes a parent can't be reasoned with, or cajoled, so you just gotta put your head down, and 'do what you gotta do'...imo


Fathertime!   

[Boethius]

I suspect a court would not be willing to remove children of such tender years from the care of their mother.  She may be difficult for Greg, but she is likely a good mother.  However, with things he can control (such as sports participation), I think Greg should push the issue because it's in the best interests of the children.

[BillyB]

  However, with things he can control (such as sports participation), I think Greg should push the issue because it's in the best interests of the children.

The mother may tell the judge their studies are lacking and need improvement and until they improve, no sports for the kids. The judge may agree with that. If Greg gets the judge to agree the kids get to play sports, Greg may have to be the one to take them to practices and games. Greg may have to miss work to make that happen.

[fathertime]

I suspect a court would not be willing to remove children of such tender years from the care of their mother.  She may be difficult for Greg, but she is likely a good mother.  However, with things he can control (such as sports participation), I think Greg should push the issue because it's in the best interests of the children.

I haven't read too much of Greg's backstory, and even then it is only his side of the story...so for all we really know she may be a good mother.  I would be extremely discontent to have so little control over my children's lives though...In this case there may be good reason, which we couldn't know about.... 

The mother may tell the judge their studies are lacking and need improvement and until they improve, no sports for the kids. The judge may agree with that. If Greg gets the judge to agree the kids get to play sports, Greg may have to be the one to take them to practices and games. Greg may have to miss work to make that happen.

You may be right,  if the father wants to get it done, he may well have to do it all himself...many jobs won't lend themselves to a father being able to cut work short.   


I would be curious to hear how the children are doing in school, especially the older one.  It seems likely to me that if they are being negatively affected by the mother it would show up in either academics or socialization.  If the child is not socializing normally or doing very poorly in school, than taking a good hard look at the  who and how of the parenting is in order, among other possible reasons.  This is a battle that a father should be prepared to have *if need be*...


Fathertime!