Asking for money

[Photo Guy]

[Photo Guy]

Doug -

Lack of meaningful communications.  We SMS each other, but mostly the "I miss you"/"Thinking of you"/*hugs**kisses* type things, filled  out to 160 characters, sometimes several a day, but nothing serious.

It took me a month to get her to an I-cafe where she read a backlog of about 20 messages (One a day until I realized how far behind she was getting).  She answered the biggest questions via ICQ that day in three lines (written in Cyrillic).  Lack of meaningful communication is allowing my mind to run wild - almost like sensory deprevation!
Kevin

Yeah, I think I know how that feels when you're not sure
where you stand with her. Maybe not with this woman, but
in the future I'd recommend a 1 to 1 ratio, in other words
you send her a message and don't send another until
you get a reply, so it alternates one sent for one returned.

In each message, you can say some sweet stuff, but make
sure you talk serious too, like I might talk about the benefits
of learning English and then describe my brother, and then
finish with a couple of questions about her family, so there's
ALWAYS some serious content. I hear from her about
every 5 days or so, and vice versa. This woman responds
to just about 90% of the questions I pose, in a sincere
and direct manner.

At one point I told her that I would help her to learn English
and talked about courses for her, just to see how'd she react.
I recently bought her a CD course and it's being shipped to her.
She has never overtly or implicitly asked me for money, period.
I get the impression it's a taboo subject with her, like someone told her, 'Don't EVER ask the guy for money.'

Another thing -if you never have meaningful communications,
it's up to you to direct it into subjects you care about.
She may not actually want you to be passive or subordinate.
If she's really young, she just may not be mature enough to
handle a serious relationship. With this particular woman,
I really think it would make sense to search elsewhere,
but it's your call. Personally, I myself require more than a
'three line' answer to most of my questions. I need openness.
Your gal doesn't seem serious. I guess that's my general
impression.  -doug L.

[Goombah]

I'm with you on the 1-for-1 exchanges.  Unfortunetly, I can't seem to get her to talk other than on the phone (English level 2) or via SMS (about a 3 - she writes better than she talks).

Oh well, tomorrow is our nexus day when she promised to send me e-mail.  "Love you" to "Good bye" - at least I should know where I stand.

Kevin

[Photo Guy]

I'm with you on the 1-for-1 exchanges.  Unfortunetly, I can't seem to get her to talk other than on the phone (English level 2) or via SMS (about a 3 - she writes better than she talks).

Oh well, tomorrow is our nexus day when she promised to send me e-mail.  "Love you" to "Good bye" - at least I should know where I stand.
Kevin

Hey, good luck tomorrow. Let us know. Take comfort in the
idea that if it doesn't work out, she just wasn't the right one for you.
And remember there are thousands of other available women
out there eager to meet you.  -doug

[KenC]

Goombah,

After I had met my wife, I would send her long letters from my heart only to receive a one or two sentence reply.  I would think "WTF?"  Now I know that there were two problems with written communications with her #1 Even though her spoken English was rather well (and was rapidly improving), her written English sucked.  And she knew it.  #2  She is a much more verbal person than a writer.  I abandoned the writing and stuck with the phone calls.  Even though this could be a reasonable excuse for your lack of communication from her, I doubt it.

She just isn't that into you.  If the pursuit is all one way, forgetaboutit.  Move on.  You deserve more than a few cute SMS messages.  Which BTW, is all the rage in the fsu.  I can never understand how little men settle for while pursuing the "love of their life".  You can make up all the excuses in the world for her, but the truth is that if she truly cared, she would find the time and way to let you know.  She hasn't and most probably won't.  Next!

KenC

p.s.(Listen to that tiny voice in your head that says it aint right)

[Goombah]

Next indeed.  See my post under the subject "Getting dumped".

Kevin

[whiskey187]

I totally disagree that I was immature in the relationship. I sent her $200 for her school after her friend/my interpreter and friend said that I shouldn't send her anything. Also, she blackmailed me to send her $70 for a dress suit in order to get a copy of her passport after we agreed that she would send it for free. Any guy who sends money to a girl who demands it when they are not married is a fool.

Look at all marriage agency policies. They say that whenever a girl asks for money she is a scammer. I totally agree. This friend also said that he saw red flags with her after I came back. When he said this and said not to send her money because she is a gold digger, I totally agreed.

This arse is the man who PAYS the girl to stay with him. If you want to be desperate enough to pay for her to be with you without being married, then you are the ARSE.

Also, she refused to talk with me before I dumped her.

I WILL NOT PAY FOR A GIRL TO BE WITH ME. I AM NOT 80 YEARS OLD.

TODD

[Photo Guy]

[user=23]whiskey187[/user] wrote:

I totally disagree that I was immature in the relationship. I sent her $200 for her school after her friend/my interpreter and friend said that I shouldn't send her anything. Also, she blackmailed me to send her $70 for a dress suit in order to get a copy of her passport after we agreed that she would send it for free. Any guy who sends money to a girl who demands it when they are not married is a fool.

Todd, why did you send her money after you were advised
NOT to do that?   I also don't understand why you were
getting involved with the kind of girl who would 'blackmail' you.
I can't judge her from here. I do see that you were about to
marry the wrong girl, so it's good you didn't. As for you and your
maturity, I'd be curious to know what your communications with
her were like up to that point. When you say she demanded money,
to me that's not just a money issue, but a communication
problem and an attitude problem. The minute Larisa starts
demanding things, she'll be outta here. I doubt she will. She
politely asks me for things and I do the same with her, although
I'm a bit more aggressive, but still in a respectful way. I still don't have a clear picture of what led up to her demanding money, and you deciding she's the right woman.
               What qualities of hers did you fall in love with?  -doug L.

[BC]

Whiskey,

Just curious.. did you propose to her?

[whiskey187]

No, I didn't propose to her. I told her that I don't think two weeks was enough time to determine if we should get married and live the rest of our lives together. However, I did advise her that if we did get along that I would buy her a ring in teh United States. I was advised to do this by local friends in Kharkov in case she decided to break up with me. So, I advised that we live together first and then determine if we are meant to be. This girl wasn't from an agency. She was a friend of my friends. She is just stupid, a liar, and a scammer. She said she wanted to come to teh United STates as soon as possible. But, when I got back here she blackmailed me.

I am over her now because I am already talking with other women.

Also, proof that it is never appropraite for a woman to ask for money is at:
http://www.loveme.com/information/prev_newsletters.shtml#avoid_fraud

[Jet]

Whiskey,

This is a very dangerous line to walk. The whole idea of filing a K-1 is that you are ALREADY ready to marry. The "letter of intent" is a legal document, whether you look at it that way or not. I think everyone can agree that this would have been a train wreck, but why seems to be the item of contention between the already married guys, and those still in the hunt. The blame for this implosion is NOT one-sided IMO. If you are ready to file a K-1 you better be ready to do whatever is required to make her life, as your fiancee, as easy as posible; and to do it without any prodding. When my wife was ready to send her G-325a & photos, I arranged for UPS to pick them up at her apartment in a very small town along the volga, and ship them "payment by reciever" to me in Florida. Quibbleing amongst yourselves over $70 is childish behavior in a commited relationship; and if it wasn't a commited relationship just yet, you really have no justification in wanting a copy of her passport!

That said, if she won't send the required documentation to secure the visa voluntarily, she isn't really in such a big hurry to come to the states now, is she?

[jb]

Agreed, Jet

I don't have a problem with weeding out the scammers, but that should be done before doing the K-1, not after.  The fiancee visa, K-1, is not a trial marriage, nor, in my opinion, should it be used to cut corners and expenses or to avoid having to make additional trips to spend face time with the woman.  Further, I don't understand the use of the word "blackmail" in this context. What possible threat could this girl use against him to extort money from the man?

IMHO, whiskey should read posts from the married guys more closely and pay less attention to those men who haven't caught the brass ring yet.  Heeding advice from another  newbie is like asking directions from a blind man.  It may sound good, but it will prolly not get you to your destination.  The same rule should apply to MOB Agency hype.  Just because some salesman type of person wrote a blurb on a MOB Agency website telling you what you want to hear does not make it gospel.  He's trying to make money from these customers, while his products and goods are very attractive, he's still a "Used Car Salesman".  
Buyer beware.

[Photo Guy]

I agree with Jet and JB.
I haven't caught the brass ring yet, but it's obvious to me that you
were going WAY TOO FAST with that woman. I don't think you ever
established trust or love with her. You would've known her better
if you had communciated more in advance. Like they said,
a 90 day K-1 is not a proving ground for compatibility. Sure you can
abort the mission during those three months, but I think you should
be 90% sure she's the one BEFORE the K-1 happens. If you
aren't sure about her, find out more, continue communicating
and visiting. Live with her for 5 days or as long as you can, sharing a flat. Get in deep.  -doug L.

[Mtnmansummit]

Hello acrzybear;
I posted this questin else where before I found your post. I'd like your advice. You apear to be well grounded on this subject. I am getting ready to set a date to travel to Kiev to meet six women for the first time. We have corresponded extensively and have exchanged in-depth questions. I am 56 and the women I have been writing are 37 to 45. One has a 16 teen year old daughter the others either do not have children or their children do not live with them.  This is my first trip to Ukraine. Where do I go to for hotel reservations and ground transportation?  Do you suggest a tour to Kiev? Using them for the strategic work and going to the events, incase there is no chemistry with any of the ladies I am writing? I doubt any of the ladies I am writing is mindless and believes she is the only person I am writing. I want to be polite and show respect. Please give me your advice, I am a big boy and I can handle criticism.
Mount man Summit County Colorado

[Turboguy]

Hey Mnt Man,

Even though you did not ask for my advice I will give it.   For hotels I have had the best rusults with www.hotelsurkaine.com    My suggestion for a hotel would be the Rus which sits up on a hill not too far off the main street (Krashatik)   or the Dnepro which is at one end of Krashatik.    Both are nice.   that site will also arrange an afordable and relaible airport transfer.   Sometimes the cabs there leave a little to be desired.   It is nice to come out of the customs area and see a guy holding a card with your name and take you right to your hotel and cheaper than the cab could be.

By tour I am assuming you mean a Romance tour like European Connectons and A Foreign affair have.   If you mean a sightseeing tour I would say a big no.    The romance tours can be a lot of fun.  I have done three of them through EC.  I seem to be a big magnet for scammers at the socials though.  Most of the guys I talk to love the tours and they are great for a first time trip.

If you don't need to meet the women you will be wastng a lot of money on a romance tour.   Another option is to plan your own trip when there is a tour going on.  You can just do an on the spot addmission to the tour for $ 400.00 for one, or $ 700 for two or $ 900 for three.   A better option if your gal is not working out is to just hit an agency like Eleana's Models.  (They have an office out in the Impressa hotel)  For $ 20.00 a date they will set up meetings for you with their gals.   They have books in their office organized by age range.  You just go in and pick out the ones you want to meet and a few hours later you wil have an introduction.  They can arragne interpreters for you if you need also.

 

[acrzybear]

This is just a short folow up to my first post in this section. 

 If you remember from my previous post in this section the lady I am "talking" to got upset with me for spending 120 Hyvernia on dinner and she let me know it in a upfront, yet nonconfrontational (is that a word?) way that only a person with some class can do (of which I am not one:P). Keeping that in mind I stopped myself from going all out and buying mass quantities of flowers for Women's day and just settled for a stuffed teddy bear and three roses and a box of chocolates.  The service took a complimentry photograph of her holding the gifts and surprised me by e-mailing it to me and she looked very pleased with the gifts.  Well the following day I recieved an e-mail from her and she told me that she was very happy to recieve the gifts for her and her daughter for Women's day but that she was upset with me because she told me to not spend money on her.  She reminded me that the agencies keep most of the money for themselves and that I need to save the money for myself and not spend it needlessly.  Now I am not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't have any more financial worries then the average single 35 year old with a decent job and I can afford to do most of the things I want to, I am just amazed that someone can just put another person before their own interests. 

I opened up an account and sent her a Visa debit card so she could recieve money to improve her English skills and at first she did not want to use it, but after I told her how much Western Union charges versus the bank fees she agreed.  The Debit card is the way to go, you can determine the funds in the account and when the K-1 process is started it is easier and cheaper then Western Union.  I am not really concerned about the money, it's just refreshing to deal with someone that is not trying to "work" you.  

Well I've  done it again, only meant to write a few lines and ended up writing another thesis. I'll head back to the cave now and return to my hibernation.

 

acrzybear