Good Questions?

[FSUrookie]

Any advice on topics that should be brought up during the letter-writing phase? I am going to Ukraine in December to meet a girl from Bride.RU, and she wants a serious relationship. In what context should money / jobs be discussed? Any taboo things that should be avoided? She does bring up about that she goes to school and works too, and that this is hard. But in the little experience that I have had, this seems very common that a Russian or Ukrainian girl often changes and works many different jobs and complains about it. I guess I would complain if I was only making $100 - $200 a month too.....

[PeeWee]

Any advice on topics that should be brought up during the letter-writing phase? I am going to Ukraine in December to meet a girl from Bride.RU, and she wants a serious relationship. In what context should money / jobs be discussed? Any taboo things that should be avoided? She does bring up about that she goes to school and works too, and that this is hard. But in the little experience that I have had, this seems very common that a Russian or Ukrainian girl often changes and works many different jobs and complains about it. I guess I would complain if I was only making $100 - $200 a month too.....

Would it not depend on where you were into the letter phase? Never money or related issues early on. It is all about her, as it would be with any relationship, in the early stages. Why her? If you are not talking about her then you are talking about you and no woman wants to her, you, you, you, and why you are so great, all of the time.

Early on, talk about her and her dreams. If she asks about you then tell her. When you get serious talk about money. I have known Lena for 6 months. There has been no talk of money. We did talk jobs because I asked her what she would like to do if she came to the US to live. She told me and that ended that discussion.

I am curious, why did you ask this question? You seem to specificaly want to know when to talk about money and jobs. Why?

Peevee 

Peevee

[FSUrookie]

I mean, if I was a Russian / Ukrainian women considering a serious relationship with an American man, wouldn't I want to know if he had a stable job and what his salary was? By the way, we have known each other for a few weeks, and she has never specifically asked about money. She does speak very good english and she has asked my if i like my present job, and if I desire to change jobs. I also cleared up that if I marry a Russian / Ukrainian women that I would live here in the U.S.A. becuase I could not earn even close to the salary that I make here. She understood this and agreed. But, like most Russian / Ukrainian she has brought up twice that she goes to school for higher education and works to pay for her school and that this is hard work. She is 23 and will be 24 years old in December. I am 40. She does seem very stable in her thoughts, unlike many of the 20 year olds that American guys typically chase. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[PeeWee]

I mean, if I was a Russian / Ukrainian women considering a serious relationship with an American man, wouldn't I want to know if he had a stable job and what his salary was? By the way, we have known each other for a few weeks, and she has never specifically asked about money. She does speak very good english and she has asked my if i like my present job, and if I desire to change jobs. I also cleared up that if I marry a Russian / Ukrainian women that I would live here in the U.S.A. becuase I could not earn even close to the salary that I make here. She understood this and agreed. But, like most Russian / Ukrainian she has brought up twice that she goes to school for higher education and works to pay for her school and that this is hard work. She is 23 and will be 24 years old in December. I am 40. She does seem very stable in her thoughts, unlike many of the 20 year olds that American guys typically chase. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Here is what I think...she is a woman and she will want to know if you are a good provider for her and her future family. She will want to know if you have a sable job. She will be curious about your income but she will not ask. You will hint at all of these things and she will extract other information that is important to her from bits of information gather in a conversation here and another conversation there.

Let it be that way. Your job will give here clues. She may ask where you live...meaning apartment, condo, or home. But the location of same will not matter to her. Bottom line is that all women, no matter where they live, are concerned about your ability to provide for them. But she probably not blatantly ask you. She will, as I said, gather bits of information here and there over the next few weeks. This is probably why Lena and I have not had this discussion.

She knows my work, she is smart she may have done an Internet search on the average incomes for an American male. But even that may not give her a relationship as to what that is equivilant incomewise in her country. Doctors make more in the US than they do in Russia, for example, so if you told her that you were a doctor she might think that you are poor if she did not realize that doctors are high income types in the US.

It seems to me if she is satisfied that you can give her the life style that she wishes to have then the discussion will end about money and jobs. You cannot be concerned about her income or job as she is the one that is relocating. The discussion in that realm is only about you. I too think that the reason for some of the disillusionment, on the womans' part, is that some of these guys over promised and then under delivered once she arrived here. Her level of expetation was too high. His fault to setting it there. Be careful in that regard.

Peevee

[Turboguy]

I have written a bunch of women and met quite a few from the FSU over a long period of time.  Very few have ever asked me my income.   I think I have only told two or three exactly what my income was.   Usually they asked or I would not have.   I have had a few more times that I have said money is not something I have to worry about or that I am comfortable with my income or something to that effect. 

I do get a higher percentage that ask about my house or even what I drive but most don't seem to have any idea what a pickup truck is.   I would not volunteer your earnings unless she asks and I think if she asks before she meets you I would take that as a bad sign.

[Shadow]

I think that a constant stream of complaints about her situation and life show more about her character than you think. The first thing it does is attracting attention on that she is poor, and giving the message a gift would be welcome.
Another thing you should ask yourself is if this will stop when she arrives in the US. A short while maybe, but after that she will see other people have things she does not, or do things she can not. And that will start a whole new era of complaining. f you can live with that, great.

[jb]

Rookie,

Until you actually meet in person, she's just a Pen-Pal.  Don't worry too much about the small stuff now.  If she gets persistent with the hints about her poverty, hinting for help or a gift, etc, then you might want to re-examine the situation.   You may get there and observe that she is living very well and dressing very well for a poor college student.  On the other hand, if she drops you for not sending her gifts of money, then you will have discovered her real reason for wanting to get to know you in the first place.

[Turboguy]

I think Shadow hit the nail on the head with his comment.  A little complaining is OK, too much and you have a complainer on your hands.  I will tell a story about one of my experience and try to keep a long story short as much as I can.

Ages ago I wrote a gal from Ukraine for a long time.  I enjoyed writing to her but never really saw her as the gal for me.  Her letters were always filled with complaints.  She had to ride a bus for three hours each way to a job where they payed her 3 months late if at all where she did not like the work and they did not treat her well ................. 

I always enjoyed her letters despite the complaining because they gave me some insight into life in Ukraine and the economic problems that were taking place in the late 1990's.  Then one day I got a letter from her saying she was marrying an American.  I wrote back and wished her happiness.

For a few years I heard nothing from her.  Then I got a message that she was getting a divorce.  She was living in the lakes region of NH.  She invited me up for New Years and I went.  She lived in a beautiful new home on large acerage over looking a beautiful lake, a better place to live than 98% of Americans.   She was complaining about her husband non stop.  She had asked him to build a bench by the lake.  Look at this bench he built.  She must have nagged the poor guy to death.  I had a nice time and we kept things on a friendship level.

We e-mailed and talked on the phone after that. She was complaining about how she was going to live.  Her divorce settlement gave him the house since he had it originally, she was getting the car, all the furnature, a small cash settlement and the $ 5,000 snow shovel.   She was working part time in a one hour Ritz photo lab and rent in that area is terribly high.  She owed her divorce attorney  $ 20,000 which included $ 5000 in fees deciding who would get the snow shovel.  Yes, it may have been a $ 5.00 snow shovel but it was hers and she was not going to give it up no matter how much it cost to fight for it.  She owed her immigration attorney a fair chunk too.

She kept complaining about not knowing how she would live.  I felt bad for her.  I had a small house that had been rented out but I was remodeling it and it was empty.  I told her that if she wanted she was welcome to live in the small house I had for a year rent free while she got her life in order but warned her it would be a big come down from where she was living.  She said she wanted to do it.  I spent three weeks working non stop into the wee hours of the morning to get the remodeling done.   I made two trips to NH bringing down all her stuff.  The day she arrived she complained and said she could not live in such a place.  No one else ever had a problem with it.  Since I had dragged all her stuff down and didn't know what to do with her I told her she could live in my house and I moved to a three room apartment in another building I owned.  She complained about my bathroom lighting so my secretary told her she could use her bathroom which she tied up for three hours a day. 

After a month she decided to go back to New Hampshire and I rented a U-haul and hauled all her stuff back.  A month or so later PG was looking for an interpreter to help him talk to Larisa.  I thought of this gal and thought it might help her make a few bucks to survive.  I gave them each others e-mail address.  One of her first comments when she wrote to Doug was to ask him if I had told Doug what I had done to her.   Hummmm sure.  I sure was rotten to her.

The moral of all this long winded garbage is that I think, as Shadow does that girls who complain chronically are often chronic complainers.   If you want a wife that will find fault with every thing you do go for it.

[KenC]

Rook,
I just wanted to chip in a few comments about RW complaining.  Most RW have a sense of great pride that won't allow them to go into "oh woe is me" dialog.  Even if they have a very meager existance, it is unusual for them to make a big deal about it.  It usually only becomes a matter for discussion when their economic limitations comes into play.  For example they might say, "I cannot afford to send you an email everyday from the internet cafe, but I can send you one every week."  In order for them to ask you for financial assistance, is a huge bright red flag.
KenC

[FSUrookie]

Good Info from all....
To put things in a better perspective, I will paste an exerpt from 2 of her letters. Overall, she seems very nice. She is very educated (completing higher education right now). And she is VERY positive on life. She seems like a decent catch. I must admit, there haven't been too many Russian / Ukrainian women that I have spoken too that didn't complain at least a little bit. Anyway, judge for yourselves.....
Her 2nd letter to me:
"I fond of sport very much and for this reason I decided to earn some money in order to pay for my studying."
Her 5th letter to me:
"Working as a coach helps me to relax after the difficult periods in University and to be always in good shape, but what is more in this way I earn money for paying my tuition!To tell you the truth, it is very difficult to combine work and study but I have to and it is my duty. But I'm very involved in working as a coach, because I'm an example for people who want to be in good shape and I do my best to help them. I like the feeling to be useful for somebody and try to be worth of it! People follow an example of me and I do my best to make them interesting in fitness and to give them always new exercises, because I don't want to be boring. So, as you see I'm always on the lookout of the others and have to look accordinly."
These are the only times she has complained, if you want to call it that. I know we have all heard much worse.
One other important thing.....
I want to let her know that I am stable and that I can give her a good life here, but at the same time, the reality is that many couples both work to provide a good living for their families and children. So, I guess a nice way of saying that is; there are many career women in he U.S.A., though many women do not work during the first 2-3 years of bringing a new child into the world..... I am just trying to be realistic since, for most of us this is not "Cinderella".

[Turboguy]

She does not sound like a complainer to me.   

By the way most FSU women WANT to work.  They find sitting at home very boring.  Most of the gals have watched too much TV and think all american men can provide a good live.  You don't need to push that issue unless she brings it up.

[Nando]

I use a multiple choice question,
Would you prefer to live with:
A) a stable professional, ie teacher
B) a financier living from capital markets investment
C) It doesn't matter at all for me


There are all types of answers

That way you avoid talking of money...

[Shadow]

this does not sound like complaining, more like someone with very limited time, and trying to apologize on forehand that she will not be able to send out e-mail a lot. Ask her phone number. 

[BC]

A good question to ask is how long her studies will continue.

In any case, keep in mind that until you meet you are just penpals.

Don't fall in love with pictures and letters.

In the best of cases she is real, not a scammer but even still the cheimistry can flop.

Postpone your emotions until December. 

Are you planning on being there for the New Year celebrations?  Has she expressed a desire to celebrate this occasion with you?

[Manny]

Any advice on topics that should be brought up during the letter-writing phase?

1. Do Keep first letters short. (no more than an A4 page max)
2. Do Comment upon what she says in HER profile (assuming she wrote it and says anything worth commenting upon).
3. Do make her laugh. How you do that is up to you. But if you can do that you'll get her attention and immediately see off the 100 other **SPP's who've told her about their job/car/dog/ last hunting trip or attached a snap of themselves 'working out' at the local gym in a leather thong.
4. Don't ask to see her in a bikini!
5. Don't mention money or how much you earn/don't earn.
6. Don't mention previous g'fs or wives or how awful Western women are.
7. Do use SIMPLE, but grammatically correct English (or American if you must). Avoid slang and abbreviations. Remember, you're writing to someone whose command of English is limited at best and non-existent at worst. Keep the flowing prose for later.
8. Do ask her about her interests and hobbies
9. Do tell her how nice she looks (without being obvious about it). i.e., 'Your profile stood out from all the others and immediately attracted me.' is better than 'Wow! You are soooo hot!'
10. Don't be a jerk. Obvious really. You're trying to stand out and create a positive impression. Any suggestion of neediness, desperation or loneliness on your part will go down like a lead balloon. Be a man and convey your unique qualities and strengths without coming across as an arrogant twat or a needy loser.

[PeeWee]

She does not sound like a complainer to me.   

By the way most FSU women WANT to work.  They find sitting at home very boring.  Most of the gals have watched too much TV and think all american men can provide a good live.  You don't need to push that issue unless she brings it up.

Based on the limited text that I see I think that she is a motivated woman rather than a complainer. She may express how it is for her and she may even be understating to you how very difficult it is for her. You don't have a measure of her efforts other than what she tells you they are.

Give to her the benefit of the doubt, continue to write to her, plan to visit her, don't send money to her until you meet her, assume that her photo is her best photo and that it is a few years old, don't be suprised upset or offended if you should discover that there are other men writing to her but rather step up to the plate and compete for her if you thinks she is worth it.

Peevee