Woman

[Cold Warrior]

-- WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis --

Element: Woman Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118,but know to vary from 105 to 175
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam .
Occurance: Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
with slighlty lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:

1) Surface usually covered with
painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes
without reason.
3) Melts if given special
treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
Can cause headaches.
Handle with care!
5) Found in various states;
ranging from virgin metal to
common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to
correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1) Has great affinity for Gold,
Silver, Platinum and many of
the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of
expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if
left alone on dates
4) Insoluble in liquids, but
there is increased activity
when saturated in alcohol
to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material.
Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing
agent known to Man.

Uses: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one.

[Bruno]

Goooddd... This is humor ...

[TheArrow]

Old good joke, lol. I have JPEG Image of this joke.

[Bruno]

-- WOMAN - A Chemical Reaction --

To a chemist, love is found only within the confines of a stable reaction, not at the whims of a beautiful girl with blond hair in Russia. I was in the laboratory at the university, deconstructing my DNA only to put it back together again, but as I saw her sifting down the hall, mopping the floors like an angel, she broke my heart, and I could not put it back together as easily as the DNA.

And I scribbled in on the back of a lab report, handed it to her. She eyed me suspiciously, pushed the mop aside and opened it. It read:

"If you were an element, then you would be carbon, because that is my favorite. Because you are a non-metal, gaseous at room temperature, a poor conductor of electricity and yet, this is how you should always be. You're not like those other metals, all shining and malleable, like butter, as if with enough heat and pressure, I could turn you into something else completely. You're stalwart, neither here nor there, and unbending, even in different states. And you will never, never be a transition metal.

While noble, you are no noble gas. Because you do not have the valence shell capacity for it. You can never be filled, eight electrons is impossible for you, because you've always been one to give rather than receive, and your chemical reactions are splendors, not impeded by the octet rule you hold.

What you can do with oxygen astounds me, how you alone breathe life to the world, can heal the wounds that nature cannot fix. Without you, fossil fuels are futile, fatty acids are farcical and isotope versions of you are left for dreamers to deduce.

You are so versatile. Unlike the others, you have the uncanny ability to bond with yourself. But more importantly, unlike the others, perhaps you can also bond with me. And I promise you that we could be stronger than diamonds, more compromising than graphite, our covalent bonds unbreakable."

She did not speak English, and stared at me as if I were crazy. I ushered her into the lab, mixed chemicals.

"See? When you mix these, in equal parts…when you mix them together…look at the result…the…" I say, a madman, fumbling in the laboratory anxiously, hands shaking, reaching for beakers, throwing in the chemicals, mixing, waiting.

A glowing blue liquid envelops in the beaker, and I turn off the light and show it to her against the dark backdrop. "So beautiful together. We can be this," I say, tapping the beaker.

She stares at me, then smiles, and I reach for her hand and she takes it,a miracle.

Together, we walk down the sterile stairs to the beach, the reaction between us occurring spontaneously.

 

[Elen]

Apples on Trees"



Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at

the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for

the good ones because they are afraid of falling and

getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten

apples from the ground that aren't as good, but

easy... The apples at the top think something is

wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come

along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way

to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even

those who have already been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as

grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of

them until they turn into something acceptable to have

dinner with. 
 

[Elen]

If men wrote for cosmopolitan

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating, feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important. Studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift

[anono]

and remember to cook him a nice meal...

[Fiorella]

Men and women control