An Interview

[IAmZon]

Hi Rivordco,

My name is Ada Cheng. I have been on this board for some time. I am a professor at DePaul University in Chicago. I am currently working on a research project on international dating. I am hoping to understand men who are involved in international dating and marriage. I am interested in people's views, experiences, desires, and thoughts. The following is my website: http://condor.depaul.edu/~soc/. Once you get to the site, click on faculty and Ada Cheng. The page would give you a sense of who I am and the type of work I do.

I know the site has been inundated with requests from researchers. I also understand you might have doubts about my intentions. I am not surprised since men here have been stereotyped in a lot of literature. I really would like to do a good job representing men involved in the process. I hope you can assist in this project. Please be assured that I will ensure your confidentiality and anonymity. I will not misuse any information you share with me.

Please consider my requests. Thanks for your consideration. Let me know if you have any questions.

Ada 

======================

Doctor, I am not predisposed to answering questions related to my interests.  I would discuss whatever you like, openly, in front of the group, if you don’t mind.

For me, as a primer, let me say:

The world is smaller than it used to be, and becoming more so all the time.  There are a million twists of fate that may introduce a man to the idea of international dating: for me it was "bumping into" a female student in New York city.  She showed my Brighton Beach (a largely Russian section of the city).  There, I experienced a dramatic difference in culture - all of which was very positive for me.

NOW TO BE VERY HONEST.  There are many men that are largely "unmarketable" in the states and the west.  They go to other places to be "marketable" again.  (This may be a nice guy, who is physically less attractive.  It may be a socially goofy guy that just is not accepted on his home field). Clearly, there are examples of a guy who could not get a date at home marrying a Gwenth Paltrow look alike from Russia.. It does not take many of these to fuel negative stereotypes 

There are also other men, where the attraction is a matter of greater choice; greater quality; greater responsively. I have recently ended a +10 relationship. I am not dying to TRY to be 29 years old again ... that is, to put myself in the constant and optimum environments where I can meet another woman.  Yet, of course, I seek another woman - and I would love to have children.  AND, I do not have another decade to waste.  (I think everyone has there own story … there own impetus)  In all cases, however, I think there is a bottom line question: What is the most effective way for me to find the woman who I can be the BEST for?  Who can be the best for me?

My reasons for considering the International dating are as follows:

1, I am open to, and enjoy radically different environments and cultures.

2, There are unique and accepted structures at work in international dating that "identify" large numbers of quality women who are seeking a partner. 

3, There is a higher responsivity in the FSU market (If I go on my space, or friend finder (or a local night) ... I have luck meeting ladies.  no problem.  But NOT the best and brightest; NOT in the high proportions that is the case in FSU market).

4, I have found that in "broken/ struggled” communication, I am able to achieve a more fundamental and greater intellectual understanding faster than with an American woman. Fundamental concepts of compatibility and vision of future seem to be placed at the front of a relationship, and in a very open manner.  This seems oxymoronic does it not?  But the fact is that in America, we have a zillion rhetorical / slang / distractions in our communication that, in sum, pass for entertaining, or being "cool", but often miss essence of things. 

That is to say, it is equally as hard to find a American Woman who has read (or could read without being threatened at the point of a gun) Shakespeare, Plato, and Kant ; as it is easy to find a FSU woman who has (or could) ….

and; it is hard not to noticed that the Russian Woman wears a mini skirt, is 10 pounds less heavy, and seems to be very concerned with what to prepare for diner (sorry JB for the overt reference of physical attraction.  Double sorry for the chauvinistic flavor of the comment.  But I am trying to be honest here.)

4, Immigrant philosophy.  There is a difference in a person who designs a life, rather than one who lives the life that she is given.  Immigrants have a special spiritual quality, I think - greater courage, greater hope, greater resourcefulness, true grit. To apply economic theory - the greater the risks and costs, the greater the reward may be. 

I think there maybe truth to this thinking as it is applied in the context of International dating..

5, Divorce rates in the US hover around 50%. What are the divorce rates for celebrities and movie stars?  80% - 90% What makes them different?  Are they more morally depraved?  I think NOT. However, they have more CHOICES (money, fame, and looks).  I see in the US, that selection begets selection ... nothing comes from choosing but more choosing.  It is said that the FSU woman is more traditional, more committed to family values.  This may, or many not, be.  But the Immigrant Philosophy that I referenced above, I think, mutes this tendency for endless selection.

There are negative features associated with this endeavor for sure; and I have conspicuously left them untouched here.

Also, much of what I have described are ONLY generalizations, and can not be applied to any one specific person.  Certainly, there are great ladies in the United States, and everywhere for that matter.  I am very mindful of this. 

This is the classic issue of a man hunting for a woman … perhaps more calculated … perhaps enlisting artificial structures … perhaps even benefiting from factors of international arbitrage. In the end, however, there is a moment; just a man and a woman; and at this point, everything is the same no matter where, no matter by what means.

Feel free to ask my any question you will. And I do appreciate you holding you inquiry to a highest standard.  I have found that the quality of men AND woman involved in this process are better than most.

[Admin]

Rivardco,

You gave me an idea.

Recently, we established a specific forum for the purpose of creating an 'RWD FAQ' section. We had jb act as the Moderator of that forum, and over the course of some weeks, he performed a small miracle and achieved convergence and even closure on some rather tricky topics.

The idea you gave me, hence, the invitation here, is to Ada:

Ada, if you wish, I will create a SEPARATE forum specifically dedicated to your conduct of your research project. You (Ada) may be the moderator of that one forum, and the exchange between you and your 'subjects' (RWD members) will be open for all to see.

In this way, you should achieve a greater range of inputs - hence, one would expect to see greater validity in the result.

If this interests you - please send me a PM expressing your agreement - or post a message with your agreement right here - and I will get things moving ASAP.

Let me know......

- Dan

[IAmZon]

Hi Rivardo,

Thanks for the very thoughtful reply. I have learned quite a bit just from your message. Interestingly, you already some of the questions I intend to ask. I have a suggestion about this process. I will ask you some questions in each message so you don't feel overwhelmed. You can refuse to answer any questions you don't feel comfortable with. I will do some follow up with the answers you give you. How does that sound?

Just wondering about some of the points in your previous message. Some of the people have concerns about my research exactly because they are afraid that I might reinforce the steretypes. If we say that there is truth to steretypes, how do we best understand the word "steretypes"? For example, you mentioned the difference betwen American women and FSU women. Isn't that also a type of stereotype? I have been thinking about this issue for quite some time. I am interested in your thoughts on this.

The following is the first batch of questions. Let me know if you have any questions.

Ada

I. Age
II. Occupation
III. Education
IV. Married, Single, Divorced
V. Number of children
VI. Social status: middle class, upper class, etc
VII. Politics: conservative, liberal, etc?
VIII. What have your experiences of dating American women like?
IV. What have your experiences been like with introduction agencies?

[Bruno]

Hi Rivardo,
...
bla, bla, bla, ...
...

Same text receive here...

[IAmZon]

Ada
Shoot away ...
Yes. The question of stereotypes and generalizations are very much at
work here. And that is exactly the type of thing that a social scientist
ought try to define and understand.  At the end of my first email, I
introduced the fallacies of much of what I said because of the nature of
a generalization.
I think if a man generalizes too much, he is very prone to fantasize,
creating a fetish and a compulsion that has little grounding in reality. 
Obviously, not a healthy production. 
First, let me say explicitly, in my case, I a very open to stumbling
into an American woman by change anywhere, anytime. I am not fixated. I
have not chosen "NO American Woman"  "ONLY Russian Woman for me"
However, I have NOT "bumped" into Mrs. Right... and I don't intend to wait on
chance.
This governs my thinking: I don't believe that a superior human life is
the product of chance.  A child does not accidentally became an
astronaut; a holy man; an accomplished athlete - even a scholar.  All these
outcomes require thought, planning, effort, and action.
So, in the pursuit of finding a partner deliberation is a most healthy
thing ... the more the better. 
There is another element here associated to the generalization, or
stereotype, that deserves mention ... and that is the deeply held internal
expectation of how events may unfold.  It is one's presumption.
Just as generalizations and stereotypes may cause fantasies;
unrealistic "romanticized" expections are also prone to disappoint and injure.
It is hard to be a grown up, is it not.