stepchildren

[Son of Clyde]

I am not going into any detail but I had a few questions.

What if they will not listen?

What if they are hyperactive?

What if they are disrespectful?

I am thinking I need to step back and let mom handle most of the problems.

How much can be attributed to feelings of being uprooted and sent to the US? How much is not understanding what is expected of them in school? Our rules are different and our expectations are different in the US school system.

[KenC]

I am not going into any detail but I had a few questions.

What if they will not listen?

Typical of all teenagers

What if they are hyperactive?

Typical of all teenagers

What if they are disrespectful?

Typical of all teenagers

I am thinking I need to step back and let mom handle most of the problems.

The most important thing for you and your wife to do is to present a common front to the teenager.  Talk with your wife and agree to NEVER disagree with one another in front of the kid.  If you or her disagree with an action taken in front of him, wait and discuss later privately and adjust later.  If he thinks he can work one of you against the other, you will be toast.

Personally, I would not give up on participating in parenting him though.  Even if you step back and let the Mom handles most things, never get completely out of the loop as you will be sorry later. 

How much can be attributed to feelings of being uprooted and sent to the US? How much is not understanding what is expected of them in school? Our rules are different and our expectations are different in the US school system.

At this point, none of this is relevant as he has been here well long enough to adjust.  Any excuses about things being different here are, well, just excuses.

Parenting a step child is more difficult than parenting your own kid because the step child will always have the "you ain't my Dad" card to play.  It is up to your wife to take that card out of his hand.  If she doesn't make it perfectly clear to him, you're screwed.
KenC

[viking]

Teenagers are teenagers. And Ken makes some good points. You can never be, especially at this age, his 'father'. You can be 'like a father', you can be a friend and mentor, even a buddy. You need to stay involved, since it is your family. And although there may be some differences in schooling between the FSU and the US (I would have no clue what these might be BTW) some basics will always apply. You need to show up, be sober, pay attention, do the homework and pass the tests.

[catzenmouse]

 Ken said it all pretty well. Get that solid front set up with "I" and don't let him build a wedge between you.

 Hell, my oldest hasn't spoken to me in several years now. He got all mad because I made it clear to him (while he was living with me) that his grades were way more important than his dream to be a "rock star" and didn't cut him any slack on his grades.

 He went back to live with his mother as she would lit him slide by with a "D" and now he works in a gas station. I figure one day the little light bulb will go off and he'll see what I was saying. Until then it is his issue and he can deal with it in his own way.

 You do the best you can and the rest is up to them.

Ken

[funkola]

I do not agree that that kind of behavior is typical of all teenagers. Not uncommon for sure. But not typical either.

[BC]

KenC's advice is spot on and worth gold.

Here with a 13 yr old....  It ain't easy but been doing EXACTLY what Ken said.

It's sorta like a cold - take aspirin and wait 7 days to pass..  Instead of 7 days though 7 try years.

[KenC]

BC,
I tell everyone with kids that no matter how well you raise your children there are certain age crossings that will be bumpy for them.  At 13, every friend your kid has is waaaay smarter than the parents and they become little azzholes.  You will hear all about the philosophy of life through the eyes of their 13 y o friends and your opinions will be crap.

Next up is "16" and the age of mobility.  Fortunately today you guys have cell phones, so you can affectively put a bell on the cat.  before, we had to sit home an worry our butts off hoping that our kids were semi-responsible.

Then the magical age of legal adulthood, "18."  It takes a little while for them to understand that to actually be able to enjoy such "legal rights" you must have a few things.  Like your own home, a job and not be totally dependent on your parents.

Of course "21" is no picnic either and the worries multiply with drinking and such.  I was a realist in this area.  I knew my kids would drink from about 15ish.  When cars were in the picture I was "on call" for pick ups any time any where, no questions asked (until the next day)  I have to say that my kids did always have a designated driver in the group, which was smart.

You never really stop worrying either.  But you do gain confidence in their judgement after time.  Now they worry about their goofy Dad doing something stupid.   
KenC

[BC]

You never really stop worrying either.  But you do gain confidence in their judgement after time.  Now they worry about their goofy Dad doing something stupid.   
KenC

So true...  my 21 yr old son does this all the time.. we chat a couple times a day via icq.  I had custody since he was 10 and must admit a few tough times ensued but he absorbed most of the values I tried to pass on.  Now I get a taste of my own medicine..