Child-To Bring Or Not To Bring...Right Away

[RK]

I have a I-129F filed, still at the NOA1 stage. My fiancee has a three year old son. Her parents have suggested that when our visa is approved, she go to the US alone with me to give us time together and get married. Her parents have offered to watch her son for the period it takes for us to get married and be eligible to return to Ukraine. We are all aware it could be a few months before we would return to get her son, who would still be on an approved K2 visa. My fiancee would miss her son, but is open to doing it and feels it would be a special time for the two of us before her son is with us 24/7.

My question is:  has anybody here ever done this? What are your thoughts? Your pros? Your cons? Your feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[Jet]

If the parents are offering, and they understand it could be the better part of a year before she returns to collect the child - DO IT!!!!!

I was somewhat apprehensive about this, because we had the "crazy Ex" factor, but I have to say that at that age, it's the best possible course to take. It gives your fiancee a chance to stand on her own two feet and really adjust before adding the stress of a demanding 3 yr old to the mix. Once the child does arrive, she'll be far better prepared to help with their adjustment, as she will already have a good handle on how things work here. You and your wife will also have the advantage of functioning as a single unit, which will go a long way with the child.

In the worst case, if things don't work out between the two of you, then it's "no harm, no foul" as far as the child is concerned. (Momma went away, but came back)

I would advise in the strongest possible terms, that if this option is available to you, take it!

[Sohkay]

Oh...my...God. Something about this post makes me want to puke. I know what it is...parents who would leave a 3 year old for an extended period of time so they can have a "special time."

SO MUCH is formed in the period between birth and five years.

But I understand...maybe you can have some special jet-ski time together.

The two of you both sound undeserving of this child.

I could say so much more but I'm gonna' bite my tongue...for now.

[William3rd]

Your options-

1) Child processes for K2 visa with mom- must enter within 6 months of issuance.
2) Child processes within 1 year of mom and gets own K2 visa- up to one year.
3) USC parent files for step-child as IR- beyond 1 year. May take a year to process.

I always recommended that the child come at the beginning since the child is part of the package. However, many times, the fiancee is being cautious and leaves the child behind just in case a marriage doesnt occur. Besides, grandparents love the opportunity to be spoiling their grandchild.

Doenst really hurt to let grandfolks have extended time especially since the grandchild is moving to another continent.

[Turboguy]

VWRW agrees with Sohkay.    It will be a big shock for a 3 year old to lose his mother for a year and about the time he gets adjusted to living with the grandparents she will come back and put another shock into his system by dragging him away from them.  

 

[wxman]

I can give a perspective from my family experiences. It happened to my oldest brother in 1956. When he was 4 years old, my father became seriously ill, and nearly died during surgery. My mother had to take care of my father for almost a year, and also had to get a job since my dad could not work for almost 9 months. Because of the situation, my dad's parents took care of my brother (the rest of us were not born yet) for almost a year. The grandparents lived in WI, while my parents lived in Ca. So my brother was away from his parents for almost a year, and to this date, he has wonderful memories of staying with the grandparents, and no bad memories of seeing a sick father. It did not affect him. The environment is what is critical. he had grandparents who loved him deeply, and when he returned home, had parents who loved him even more.

[RK]

I could say so much more but I'm gonna' bite my tongue...for now.

Sohkay...Good idea...that was probably the most judgmental, sarcastic, character-assailing post I've ever read to a question I've posted. Not that I don't ever expect it...just caught me off guard. Unfortunately, I haven't been here long enough to know if you're considered one of the losers on this board and just let your  comments roll off or if you are one of the respected posters here. Either way, everyone is entitled to their thoughts. "Special time" was just general wording and Jet's reply summarized what the meaning of that time is intended to be...don't assume anything if you don't know what the intent of the words are. Fortunately, everybody else that has replied so far has interpreted the post in the spirit it was meant to be. I will agree with you on one thing..."SO MUCH is formed in the period between birth and five years."

Her family proposed the idea to me when I was in Kharkov three weeks ago and I've been thinking about it ever since. I decided to share the issue here to see what others experiences or insight might be.  I am flying to Kharkov again tomorrow for a few days and am looking for some food for thought as I discuss it with them this weekend. The offer from her parents was made for most of the reasons mentioned by everyone here. They are loving, caring, hard working people who care deeply about their daughter, grandson, and their long-term happiness and family success. The time apart would be anywhere between 4-6 months, depending upon how soon we wed once she arrives in the US. We would file the AP immediately after marriage, where approval seems to be averaging about 64 days over the last six months. Yes, I know it's an average and could take much longer, but I'll reference the averages for now.

wxman...thank you for sharing that experience.

jet, william...excellent feedback, as always.

tg...good feedback. I just hope the agreement with sohkay is limited to the point you make

[Jet]

But I understand...

Obviously you don't, but then again how could you...

RK asked for feedback from people who had done this.
If this opportunity has not been offered to you, there is not much point in commenting on it, because doing what's right for the parties involved is not always doing what's pleasant or popular. In MY opinion, as I *have* done this, it gives the relationship more of a chance for overall success, and although I'm not the longest married guy here, I think I'm fully qualified to make that assertion. I do NOT think that RK was alluding to riding the jet-ski and f**kin' like rabbits when he says his fiancee feels it would be a special time. It will be a special time, but that doesn't necessarily mean it will be a *fun* or *happy* time throughout. She will miss her child terribly, she will second guess herself, she will get homesick, she will entertain notions that she's not a good mother, and she will blame RK for all those feelings (probably more than once!), but ultimately they will have a stronger family once the child arrives.

I understand William3rd's position, as there are risks involved from a paperwork/logistics standpoint and every immigration lawyer and congressional liaison will advise the same as he did. In our case, Kolya arrived 3 hours before his K-2 expired and it was looking dicey there for a while, but it all worked out in the end.

[Jet]

VWRW agrees with Sohkay.    It will be a big shock for a 3 year old to lose his mother for a year and about the time he gets adjusted to living with the grandparents she will come back and put another shock into his system by dragging him away from them.   

Depends on the current situation! When Liliya was living in Russia, her parents lived in the next building and her grandmother lived upstairs. When Lil was at work each day, Grandmother came down and spent the day in Lil's apartment watching, cooking for, and reading to Kolya. When Lil came to the US, Grandmother moved into Lil's apartment full time, I just don't see that as a huge double adjustment shock  :noidea:

[BC]

We left our daughter behind with grandparents for around 5 months.  She was 8 at the time. The purpose was to finish out the school year.

With a 3 year old I think that we would have stayed together.  This is a huge formative period in a child and parents life.. language included.  We are going through it now.  There is also the important issue of bonding of child and stepfather to consider.. 3 is a perfect age..

Whether leaving a child behind can help during the adjustment period.. maybe yes, maybe no.. in the end I don't see a net gain from a human standpoint.  The critical factor seems to be the the immigration rules.. -where the mother does not have the possibility of getting on the next flight to take care of her own child if necessary.  That's the real toughie..  I can envision scenarios when the child gets sick with normal illnesses and minor accidents (and these WILL happen) that the mother won't let anything hold her back from returning.

If a travel document was not necessary, or at least doable in a short time (like 30 days after arrival) it might be worth a shot.. otherwise I see high risk for a bumpy ride ahead...

[2tallbill]

I have a I-129F filed, still at the NOA1 stage. My fiancee has a three year old son. Her parents have suggested that when our visa is approved, she go to the US alone with me to give us time together and get married. Her parents have offered to watch her son for the period it takes for us to get married and be eligible to return to Ukraine. We are all aware it could be a few months before we would return to get her son, who would still be on an approved K2 visa. My fiancee would miss her son, but is open to doing it and feels it would be a special time for the two of us before her son is with us 24/7.

My question is:  has anybody here ever done this? What are your thoughts? Your pros? Your cons? Your feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I would highly recommend bring the child with the mother. I don't have any special experience with this, but I am sure the mother will miss her child enormously. She will also be homesick, and if she brings the child she will be busy, which I think would help with the homesickness.

A child at that age (I do have experience in this) is changing every day and a real wonder to behold. They are funny, and watching them learn, grasp new things and the bonding you can make as a new father is something I think you would really want to do. In addition the child at that age is a sponge for learning and will be bilingual almost immediately.

Just my two kopecks
Good luck


Bill

BC made his post while I was making mine. I agree with his assessment

[Turboguy]

RK,  My comments and agreement were simply that I could see potential problems.   I can see potential benefits as well.   Right now it seems like the advice is running about half and half.    I think if the child was 8 or 10 I would be voting for leaving him for a while.

VWRW says,  Vhen I vas that age my parents left me with my grandparents during the week and I always remember spending a day crying because I was being left even though I loved my grandparents.  She says no matter how much she loved her grandparents she wanted to be with her parents.

[Simoni]

You are a family of 3- not 2.  The mother does not need to miss the stages of development the child will go through these months. Plus, with the focus on being both a wife and a mother, the woman will do much better with culture shock.  Her concern will not be on herself, but on the child, and on you.

[I/O]

Jet: You and I are waaaaaaaaaaay opposite on this one. Sure it might work, however, I had my fiance' here for several weeks last year alone (She has a 3 1/2 YO) and there ain't no way in the world we will be doing that again. It just ain't gunna happen. She comes he comes.

RK: From my experience, she might be open to the idea now, but with a 3 YO, I can all but assure you that after 2 weeks without her child she won't be open to the idea any longer. 

IMO the risks involved in seperating a mother from child when the child is so young far outweigh any possible benifits.  Frankly, I think if the two of you (anyone) are not confident enough in your relationship withstanding all that gets thrown at it including the pressures the child will add, then you shouldn't be proceeding past "Point Now".

I/O

[Wayne B]

RK, I/O is spot on...if the child was older and in school maybe it would be OK   but, at three years old....all three of you need to be together   In a blink of the eye this child will be starting pre-k, and enough will already be distracting to such a young child....

[RK]

I really appreciate everyone's comments so far. Not that it matters, but I had always assumed he would be coming with us and had never thought otherwise until my fiancee and her mother brought it up during my visit last month. Going into this post, I was OK with the idea either way. Now I've received some excellent feedback and things to think about that I hadn't thought of before. I have two teenage daughters, so yes, I am somewhat familiar with children, and yes, I was heavily involved and still am in their lives. However, I have never been in a situation like this, so again, your feedback is greatly appreciated.

[William3rd]

What does the child think of a long term party with the grand parents?

Any real child psychologists out there who can speak with professional experience?

[Sohkay]

RK,

The purpose of my post was shock value. To try and shock you into doing the right thing. After all, you have a very limited history here.

Re: Jet's advice to "DO IT". I hope you can now see how ill advised this is.

I can speak with some authority on this issue, as I once suggested this to my fiancee'. We both thought about it and jointly decided it was a bad idea. When I look back (1.5 years or so), I'm amazed that we even considered it. I'm to the point now with the little one that I regret every day I'm not with this child. As you know, they grow so quickly.

Keep this in mind...to a 36 month old child, a day can feel like a week feels to you and me. Considering W3's counsel to you, it's something that could go for more than the 4-6 months you think. And then, God forbid, something should happen to the boy while he is with the grandparents. Your regrets about this decision would compound exponentially. Also, about the grandparents...I don't doubt the depth and sincerity of their love for their grandchild and their daughter. With that being said, consider it from their perspective. They're losing SO much with the departure of their daughter and grandchild. It's possible that a portion of their motivation is to hold on just a little longer, which ultimately would only postpone the pain they eventually must face. Human behavior is a funny thing.

You asked...if you aren't excited to be the best father in the world to this child, if you don't feel a deep level of love for this child, then it would be far better for all that you check out of this relationship. Anything less than 100% commitment to this 36 month old human being will foment trouble not only for you and the child, but most likely for you and your future wife.

Good luck.

[MaxxumUSA]

My Elena does not have children...  But I am a father.

I have mixed feelings about this but I know exactly what my decision would be.

On the one hand it would be nice for newlyweds to have alone time together to bond.  Sounds great initially - but I only considered this as an option I would take for a few seconds.

For me being a father is very important to me.  Matter of fact I have full, sole custody of my son and they would need to pull him from my bloody corpse to get him back.  He is 14 years old now.

I got in this venture with my RW because I want a nice family environment.  I can't imagine not having a child or stepchild for that matter not live with me.

Before having custody of my son my life was dedicated to seeing him - every chance I could.  The days I did not have him I went nuts - so did he.

I think a better way to go about this might be:

Bring them over, get married, get paperwork straight so they can both travel freely.

THEN - when the boy is a little older - let them both visit back to ukraine for a few weeks.

Their proposal I am sure has the best of intentions - but for me I would not accept due to how much I feel it is important for a child to have both a mother and father in their life.

The paperwork issue is another thing.  It is a process that is a huge deal.  I would not take any risk that there would be a much longer delay in getting her son here if things went wrong.

[William3rd]

RK,

The purpose of my post was shock value. To try and shock you into doing the right thing. After all, you have a very limited history here.

Oh sure it was. . . .

This isnt the first time you posted foolishness. You just got called to task and you have passed the edit period.

Jet did it before and you havent done squat as of yet. Unless you have the appropriate degree or experience, how about quieting down for once.

[BC]

Jet did it before and you havent done squat as of yet. Unless you have the appropriate degree or experience, how about quieting down for once.

I think having overlooked the age of the child, my response would have been pretty similar to Jet's.  In fact, I almost missed this fact myself.

[groovlstk]

I have no experience with bringing children over, but I DO know that it's common for Russian children to spend entire Summers at their grandparents' home or dacha, far away from mom & dad. Is it done at age 3? I don't know... but from what I've observed Russian children are much closer to their grandparents than their American counterparts, most of whom would rather spend time with friends than family.

[Zmejka]

I don't think a loving mother would be happy to find herself in a new enviroment without her child (especially so little) that can help her through the days when husband is at work. I vote for bringing the child from the beginning. If something goes wrong it can be noticed and there's always a way back home in the extreme situation (if only a woman isn't staying in abusive relationships "for the future benefit of the child" - i'm talking in general). And a woman and her fiance should build a family together, the child can't be separated from this new formation because he's already a part of it.

[catzenmouse]

We did it and even though there were some difficult times with the power struggle from an only child/only grandchild who was very used to getting his way all the time I would not have missed it for the world. There will be plenty of time in the future for Summer's with the grandparents if you want. For us, being a complete family unit was what we wanted and it's worked out pretty good so far.

We'll see how that changes when he's a teenager! I'll probably be buying the tickets to send him to Baba several years in advance! 

Ken

[RK]

This is the first chance I've had to look at this post since I arrived in Kharkov this past Saturday and I appreciate everyone's continued feedback. Thanks for taking the time to share some wonderful, personal thoughts and perspectives.

catz...the first sentence in your post pretty much took the words out of my mouth for a new subject I will post soon. I will look forward to your feedback when I post it!