Should I stay or should I go?

[alexblue]

Whay should I do?

April – Start corresponding on Meetic/MSN. I am 44 she is 26 from St Petersburg. I worry about the age difference and if its just about money but we have a fantastic rapport.
May – I am reluctant to meet but finally agree to a long weekend in Helsinki. She showers me with affection but starts to hint at marriage and moving to UK. I feel it’s way too quick and try to slow things down. I say I will not marry for a long time.
June - She asks me to come to St Petersburg but I keep putting it of. She ends up going to Italy to meet another guy and lies about it but then admits it to me. She says nothing happened. I believe her and I understand her reasons. I agree to take her to Paris. We have a wonderful time. I start to feel very close to her although I have many doubts. She says her only doubts are my doubts.
July – She asks me to meet her again. I take her to Paris again and we dress up and go to Opera on the first night. A lovely evening. When we return to hotel she tells she has to tell me something. She slept with another man the previous week. A 68 yr old man she has known a long time as a friend. I feel utterly devastated. It takes all my strength not to walk away. She says she doesn’t know why she did it.
Aug – I try to leave her but somehow we keep talking although there seems no trust in my heart
Sep – We still talk although I feel it should end. I send her 27 flowers on her 27 birthday. We try to organise a holiday to Sardinia to give ourselves a chance but we fight and she tells me she just wants to be friends. She goes on holiday with some other friend(s) but I don’t know who. She will not say. I start to talk to other ladies but nothing serious.
Oct – We stop talking for a while. Although now and again we send a small message. In truth I miss her but inside I don’t know how it would ever work. I know she has many offers from many older men who shower her with tickets and gifts. How is a young woman to ignore all this. Why do we stupid men do this.
Nov - We agree to meet one more time. I go to St Petersburg and we have a wonderful long weekend. I bring her as always some gifts but she insists on going shopping. Its not what I want but I spoil her anyway. We laugh a lot and eat cabbage and apple pies. She does crosswords and tests me on the names of all the churches. Despite everything …….. I somehow love her.

What should I do? I feel very uncomfortable at being asked for gifts. I feel deeply betrayed yet I doubted her from day one. Sometimes I seek perfection but life is never perfect. Do we give each more time .. another chance?

Alex

[William3rd]

How about- you go. And the next time you meet somebody that you are interested in, be more sincere and dedicated to the process. You came off like a weekend boyfriend so that is what you are. . . you arent engaged to her. You havent given any commitment so. . . . . . say dos vedanya and move on.

[GoodOlBoy]

IMHO, your relationship with this woman is OVER. You have BOTH ruined it, unless you just want to continue "sex dating" with her.

I say I will not marry for a long time.

NO SERIOUS RW/UW WANTS TO HEAR THESE WORDS. They get plenty of this crap from the men in their own country.

Treat your next relationship more seriously and chances are she will treat you the same. Just my 2 cents.

[groovlstk]

Alex, just going by what you wrote, but it seems to me instead of slowing things down after your first meeting you instead bought things to a screeching halt. Your girl obviously has set her sights on marrying a foreign man and has been dipping her foot into the international dating pool, so she knows 100% that these relationships are notoriously ephemeral and can go up in smoke suddenly for little or no reason. Telling her "I will not marry for a long time" was the same as telling her you don't want a serious relationship now or ever - at 26, she's not going to agree to date for five years before commitment. Anyway, she very likely went to Italy because she thought you were a so-so prospect but of course she kept you on the back burner. No one knows the depth of her feelings for you, but the romantics here would probably say she kept the line open in hopes that you'd come around while the cynics would say she kept in touch because she knew you were good for continued free vacations and gifts.

As for your angst over her expectations for gifts and shopping... you admitted giving in to her demands in this regard so you fed her expectations and have only yourself to blame along with the other foolish old men who bought her affections. You have a dilemma on your hands as you may have fallen in love with her yet a) it's very unlikely you'll ever wean her off her expectations of living a 5-star life - is this something you can provide for her long-term? and b) can you trust her to be faithful to you and not hop in the sack if some guy waves a diamond necklace in her face?

I don't mean to be rude because I know you have strong feelings for this woman, but these are thorny questions that lots of guys here will have opinions about but none can truly answer. You have a difficult path ahead of you.

[jj]

If you have that much doubt, you should opt out.  -jj

[Misha]

I am 44 she is 26 from St Petersburg. I worry about the age difference and if its just about money but we have a fantastic rapport.

She slept with another man the previous week. A 68 yr old man she has known a long time as a friend. I feel utterly devastated. It takes all my strength not to walk away. She says she doesn’t know why she did it.

Ummm, how can I explain this. Twenty-six year old women just don't sleep with 68 year old men and not know why they did it. Trust me, she knows why she did it. He more than likely fulfilled her material demands and in return she slept with him. Simply based on what you written so far, I would end it and keep away from this woman.

[Chicagoguy]

Do you take women in UK to Paris or Rome on your first date ?

It sounds like you are paying alot for pleasure ?

[Diplomacy]

Yes, I agree you acted in the manner of the rich WM. Tried to be honest about not going to fast.  While your heart was meaning one thing the words are the exact of the WM and RM that is not serious about her.

So she had the, sex equals payment for vacation mentality. 

Live and learn, I would say that since there is no mention of her family meeting you.  Find another woman and do not make the same mistakes.  She has become someone I would stay away from over time.

[mspanky]

 "She slept with a 68 year old man she has known a long time"> A 26 year old girl sleeping with an old man friend she has known a long time. And you think she is being honest about not sleeping with the Italian. I wonder why a 26 year old would be so desperate as to look for sex with an old man "friend"rather than one of her younger male friends. Sounds like the answer is MONEY. Old guy will give money to spoil young beautiful woman. Young guy gives no money.  She knows the reason she slept with the old man. She's just not willing to admit it. RED flag! Move on!!!.

You are setting yourself up for a woman who will come to the U.S.  with you, but the first guy young or older than grandpa who shows her his wealth  and willing to spend it on her will have her leaving you in a heartbeat.

[ambach123]

I am amazed at the OP, does he have to ask?

He comes across as truthful, otherwise I would never believe that this can happen.

[Blues Fairy]

What should I do? I feel very uncomfortable at being asked for gifts. I feel deeply betrayed yet I doubted her from day one. Sometimes I seek perfection but life is never perfect. Do we give each more time .. another chance?

A chance for what?  You don't seem to have a clear concept of what YOU want.  Unless you can articulate that, no woman will take you seriously. 
Having said that, I don't think this girl is mature enough to be taken seriously, either.

[UTRO]

Hit The Road Jack, er... Alex and buy gifts for someone who will Really appreciate them. Lessen your Losses and move on having learnt a valuable lesson.

[alexblue]

Many thanks for all the replies - much appreciated.
Yes all this is all true, although its difficult in a few lines to convey everything. Perhaps what I would add is that this wasnt a weekend arrangement and involved talking every night for many months. Certainly one lesson for me is that MSN is very wasteful of time in building a relationship. You need to meet that person and meet them regularly. It is the only way to build a relationship and trust. MSN seems to me an easy way for casual flirtation and not something that really builds a true understanding of another person. Yes I lacked committment at the outset and I agree I reaped to some extent my own reward. Perhaps this is one of the great difficulties in long term relationships - it is difficult to take things slowly and build trust. I hope my story does not discourage people for finding love in Russia or elsewhere. I certainly believe it is not the location or the age that counts but the values people hold. I have worked and travelled in Russia over a number of years and greatly admire the country and its people. I think its just the age old problem of people trying to find love...we make mistakes we blunder we try again.... as they say true lovers bear deep scars but that is the life we are given.
Alex

[viking]

Perhaps this is one of the great difficulties in long term relationships - it is difficult to take things slowly and build trust. Alex

Difficult for who? You are the one rushing into things. You are SUPPOSED to take things slowly. Most guys would relish being able to truck on over every few months. Lets see here

May  Helsinki
June  Paris
July  Paris
Nov  St. Peter

Four trips in less than 6 months not to mention the non start to Sardinia in Sept. I guess you have money to burn.

And she is in Italy in June, with another guy in July, and on a holiday in Sept.

Lets be real. This gal loves to travel.

Why don't you just schedule a around the world trip for about a year. Keep her real close. She will not have a chance to hook up with anyone else ( unless you fall asleep on a cruise and she goes out to a party) and I think by the time its over, you two may have a small clue on what to do next. Sorry to be so rude, but this just blows my mind. BTW. Look up PRO-DATER.

[Gator]

She showers me with affection but starts to hint at marriage and moving to UK. I feel it’s way too quick and try to slow things down. I say I will not marry for a long time.

You talk too much.

She ends up going to Italy to meet another guy and lies about it but then admits it to me.

She slept with another man the previous week. A 68 yr old man she has known a long time as a friend.

She talks too much.


She goes on holiday with some other friend(s) but I don’t know who. She will not say.

She is getting smarter.  Are you?

I know she has many offers from many older men who shower her with tickets and gifts. How is a young woman to ignore all this. Why do we stupid men do this.

Some of these men are not stupid.  Rather than marriage, all they want is a fun-filled week or weekend with a pretty RW.  Besides, the cost of travel and gifts is much less than the cost of marriage.  Yes, a shallow life, but some men simply don't want a permanent relationship.

she insists on going shopping. Its not what I want but I spoil her anyway.

Perceiving that you will not marry her (or realizing that she is not interested in you), she decides to milk you for travel and gifts.  At least she is not a scammer deceiving you into giving her money. 

there seems no trust in my heart .... Despite everything …….. I somehow love her.

??? Where did the L-word come from?  True love is trusting someone.

Alex, some RW will hedge their bets and string along multiple men, hoping one will take the bait.  They are not looking for crazy love, but for an interesting man who will take them to the West. 

Your situation is very similar to one involving my wife's best friend still in Russia.  She is dating two Western men,.  While she likes both, she loves neither, yet would say "yes" to the first man who asks her to marry him.  The only difference from your situation is that she keeps her mouth shut and neither man knows about the other.  Romantic?  No.  Pragmatic?  Yes.  Happens frequently IMO.  BTW, I know the details and I think the older boyfriend (25+ years difference in age) is just playing.

[Vaughn]

Alex,

  I've got no idea where this fits into your own set of priorities, but I would suggest
in the future that you pay attention to a lady's desire (or reluctance) to have you
meet her family.

  As for this lady, I agree it's time to move on. Spend some time reflecting on just
what it is that YOU'RE looking for - a more grounded relationship maybe?

there seems no trust in my heart

  That was in August, and should have been your cue to call it a day. 

[Kuna]

I could say many things but I won't because YOU KNOW THE ANSWER, or you wouldn't have asked the question.

All you need is the courage and willpower to walk away from something that feels so good - but deep down you know it is destructive.

Walk away - never look back, EVER - and find someone who respects you!

[BillyB]

Alex,
  Sounds like your lady is good looking, getting a lot of attention and getting spoiled. Unfortunately there are ladies out there probably with twice as good character but getting much less attention, gifts, and free vacations. Would you spend so much on romantic vacations for women that had less looks but more brains? Ask yourself what's so attractive about her besides her looks. You might find she's a very shallow and materialistic person.

Some of your heartache seems to be your fault. You don't want marriage now but you failed to commit get some type of commitment from her. Now she's pursuing other avenues. If you had an commitment to be exclusive with her and work toward marriage, then she would not have the right to see other men so don't get jealous.