How to make sure that a given woman has a given quality or attitude?

[vwrw]

Did you do anything to identify whether the woman you correspond with has certain qualities (important for you) or attitudes EXEPT by asking her direct questions?

Certainly, one can simply ask woman an appropriate question. For example, are you kind? The problem with this simple technique is that woman may, often unconsciously and sometime consciously,  give misleading answer because words have different meaning to different people or because her criteria for evaluating whether someone is kind are different. Therefore, to evaluate whether a given woman is kind according to your criteria, it would be smarter to pay attention how she treats others than to ask her the direct question.

So, ladies and gentlemen, if you know any technique how to make sure that a given person has a given quality or attitude without asking her/him a direct question, please, indicate the quality or attitude that can be evaluated by your *test*, emphasize the quality or attitude  in bold, and then describe the *test*.

[docetae]

I know only one method that works... spend time with her...show yourself as you are and don't try to be someone else. You can not know someone without living with her. Everything before can be only guesses

[greg2654]

The best way I know of is to watch the interaction between her and her family; especially when they are speaking Russian and think that you can't follow what's happening. How do her parents and siblings treat each other? Spend time with her and her family.

[vwrw]

I know only one method that works... spend time with her...show yourself as you are and don't try to be someone else. You can not know someone without living with her. Everything before can be only guesses

You are certainly right that living with a person is a reliable way to determine whether s/he has desirable qualities or attitudes. However, most people prefer to know that BEFORE they decide to live with the person.

[docetae]

This is why I think that international relationship are always a gamble.. I have discovered many sides of the personality of my wife after our wedding (all were good ! ) and the time we spent together in Canada. Telling you know someone before can only means two things:
- You are too optimistic and you will face many suprises (good or bad)
- The personality of your half is so empty that you see trough...

Me an Anna knew were taking a risk to marry together quickly but we think the risk worth it. We discover each other with time and until now, I don't know any test/question that can show how you are on everyday life.
You can assess a temperament, but the complexity of being a human make it impossible to be sure about one quality or attitude except by experiencing it.

[NJ]

Watch the way she treats others.
1) Is she looking down to some people or she is always polite (with waiters in a restaurant, people of different culture, race and religion)
2) Is she talking bad about her friends or relatives when they can't hear it. Is she saying something about her friends that might be their secret.
3) Is she saying bad things about her country.
4) Is she talking bad about other women, paying your attention to their clothes\parts of body.

[Gator]

I have had more than my share of success with women, yet I have always considered them a mystery.  That is why I spent a lot of time with my Muscovite  'off and on' over almost six years before marriage. 

After marriage much has been as expected, even better in some ways.  However, she has surprised me in a couple of ways that stun me. 

Please don't  ask for specifics.  That's all I will say. 

The point is that a man can never tell.   Spending time together, observing her interaction with others, meeting her family, reconciling a serious disagreement, etc. all help.  Yet there is no way to "make sure."  I suggest that a man look not so much at individual actions but patterns, and somehow translate everything to core values (trees and forest).

[vwrw]

Okay Gator, now, I can see that the phrase “make sure” was a wrong choice of words. It is correct, there is no way to make sure that a given person is what s/he seems.

The more correct way to ask my question would be …

Did you do anything to identify whether the woman you correspond with has certain qualities (important for you) or attitudes EXCEPT by asking her direct questions?  If yes, what did you do and how? Or did you  take a passive way and  were married with the motto “come what may”?

[Mars]

Don't have complete answer, but I do know these things:

1. What the person writes in their profile is totally useless.  Mainly because many of the women do not have good enough English skills to adequately express, and they end up copying what someone else wrote, etc.  Or they may, even like the more English fluent men, not take much time in filling out the profile.

2. What the person writes in their correspondence back and forth or in their phone calls also may not be too useful.  Trying to make the good impression.  Saying the things they think you want to hear, etc.

3. Finally get to know something about the person when you start going on dates.

4. As others mentioned, when you start to see how the person acts to their family, friends, waitresses, etc., then more info is gained.

5. Much more is learned if the two of you share an apartment for a few days.  Apartments are much better than walking the streets, going to theatre, dinners, etc., . . . for the purpose of really learning what the person is like.

So  that is the sequence for increased chance of determining qualities, etc.

I don't actually do much in the way of asking specific questions;  rather just let the conversations flow, and things start to come out.

[Turboguy]

Great answer Mars.  I particularly liked the part about women (or men) will often tell you what they think you want to hear.

I can recall ages ago the first time I interviewed to hire a part time secretary.  When I asked one gal if she was looking for part or full time giving me a long story about why full time was unacceptable for her.  When I called to tell her she had the part time job she told me she had accepted another job and the thing she liked best about it was it was full time.

I can recall the gal I met on my first large agency tour who turned out to be a serial fiancee.   I asked her if she wanted more kids.  Her answer was that she was uncertain.   It is only speculation but at 38 with a teen aged daughter I doubt if she wanted them or was uncertain.  It was her way of telling me what would be acceptable.   Whatever my view was she was not going to screw up the chance of another man who would send her money with that answer.

People frequently say if you marry a woman without a common language you are marrying a stranger.  I think you can share all the common language in the world and still be marrying a stranger sometimes.   What anyone tells you may not give you much information if they have a reason to tell you what they believe you want to hear.   How many people go on a job interview and tell honestly about their real weaknesses and transgressions in the past job performance?

I think the powers of observation will tell you more than all the conversation and questions you could have.  Yes over a few days someone can be on their best behavior but if you spend enough time with them the real person will come out.