A Little Spirit to the Wifeless Waiting Man

[Vaughn]

Just helping you, my future man,

     to develop a trait you'll need to survive:

 Patience - I guarantee you'll need it

   Once I arrive...[/i]

  Over the past few years, I've tried to closely monitor
the progress and trials of many trans-Atlantic couples on this and other boards. RWD, above all, has provided me with some perceptive thoughts and insight generally not available elsewhere, and for that I thank all of you.

  As we approach our third wedding anniversary, Elvira and I are faring very well. That's not to say it's been an easy path, rather, it's been work. Rewarding, but work. I don't know if the word "challenge" is strong enough to convey to the waiting man (aka Newbie) the nature of the gauntlet that lies ahead. Even at this stage, my patience is tested daily - and I strongly suspect that, despite our survival to this point in time, the foundation is merely in place, and much more work awaits me. You longer-term guys: Was there a definable threshold over which you stepped, for you to be able to claim success with a measure of certainty as the years wore on?

   I've really been enjoying posts from folks like Son of Clyde, Ken Catzenmouse and Bruce, to name but a few - as they build their own families and foundations. These posts allow me to reflect, to measure and to assess our own family progress. Having lived alone for many years with my two daughters, both adopted, sure was difficult in itself. The little message at the outset of this post was actually the prayer of an unborn child, destined to awaiting adoptive parents, such as my first wife and I were 20 years ago, yet the words aptly apply to the man awaiting his fiance - and I promise you that your patience has not yet begun to be tested. Huge changes are coming.

Vaughn

[jb]

Sweet,,, very sweet.

Four years and growing here.

My wife has her moments when I ask, "Are you finished criticizing me  yet?" She most often replies: "I'm not criticizing, I'm helping you  reach your full potential".

You see, that's her job.

[philb]

You see, that's her job.

  I got a laugh out of that.  Alla calls them "gentle reminders".

[BC]

Three years now and I'm convinced..

There's no 'hump' to get over.. only humping it... as in 'one day at a time'.. sometimes by the minute..

Our reward: looking back and being able to say we did some things right and good, together as a family.

Best advice I've been given: be very careful what you pray for..

Most important lesson learned: how to laugh at myself instead of getting p!$$ed at someone else.

[catzenmouse]

Sweet,,, very sweet.

Four years and growing here.

My wife has her moments when I ask, "Are you finished criticizing me yet?" She most often replies: "I'm not criticizing, I'm helping you reach your full potential".

You see, that's her job.

Elena response to this type of query is "It is only because you don't listen to me." ...the unsaid part would be "that I have to tell you these things that you should be doing the right way."

Vaughn that was a very good post, congraduations on 3 years! And thanks much for the travel related info. We got the best price for our tickets from Freewind.

At times I have found great levels of patience that I never dreamed I had or could have. At others I feel totally frustrated. I have bitten off many rebuttal comments that I knew would serve no useful purpose and would have probably often been misunderstood. I have also reveled in the most all encompasing love that I have ever felt for another or felt from another. Even when she is having a bad day or I am having a bad day I never doubt the sincerity or depth of these feelings we have for each other. She will joke about my being tired of her complaining and sending her back to Russia and I return it with her being tired of her grumpy husband. This has been the most rewarding year of my life and the most difficult. Most of these difficulties come from dealing with the government and with dealing with the small minded people around us. Her self confidence took a pretty big blow when she came here because she is used to being totally self-reliant and it has taken some time to build it back up. Baby steps in this one as when something new happens and she is not sure how to handle it she will step back a bit. Overall she has done incredibly though she will not admit it. Have to go to a lovely departmental meeting right now. Wonder if I can stay awake for an hour + of BS?

Ken

[Voyageur]

Ken,

That was a great post also and I have many of the same feelings. I have only six months behind me, but I can say that everything has gotten better and better. I also love my wife very much and I miss her now, she is back in Russia getting her 6.5 year old daughter.

At first I had a problem with the "bluntness" of some of her comments, but I have learned to accept these and actually to appreciate them. There is never any doubt of how she is feeling about things. She knows and appreciates that I admire her country and the culture she was raised in, that I have an opened mind about a world that is bigger than the US (unlike some of my friends and even family members:?).  People can not believe that she actually makes soups from scratch, cleans the house religiously, dresses so well and is so personable and kind to others. Actually I have found that some other people do not like to see two people who are so happy together, and sometimes this can cause some comments or outside problems. We have learned to handle this between ourselves.

Of course, I have also heard many criticisms about different aspects of my life (mostly my previous life, before she came here). And, like Ken, I have not said anything in response to most of her comments because they would be not productive. But the level of caring and love from her amazes me each day - she really puts her man before herself in almost everything. She is amazed that the US family has degenerated so badly from what she knows from Russian life.  When I had an illness over the New Years, she took great care of me and helped me in every way.

Trust is the main brick in the foundation of our life together. This level of trust was earned over time and is validated each day. Patience and honesty are the most important things in day-to day living.

I can also empathize with the frustration in dealing with our government, from the Social Security Agency, to the state DVM, to the USCIS.  Although our process has been relatively painless so far, it is only because we have each done our homework and worked hard to prepare.

I am sure there will be more trying times together, but honestly, the time, effort, expense and heartbreak that I have lived through during this process has been worth every small sacrifice I may have had to make along the way.

[al-c]

All I can say is, I'm ready for the challenge.  I know there is no end to the challenge and that it will have to be faced every day for the rest of your life.  I'm ready for that too.

The torture is the present time.  I'm sitting in an empty house, waiting for her next letter.  It seems that Olga is all that I live for, and we have not even met yet.  (We will, in May.)

The victory, in a sense, is when she arrives.  Even though the real challenge just begins at that point, her presence is what makes the challenge worth its while.

Enough of my rambling.  I'm just sick of being alone . . . . . . .

 

[Bruce]

I have to say that adding a young child to our mix definitely makes things much more difficult.  Sleepless nights are not worth it unless family is extremely important to you.  I would not recommend it for all but the couples who know they are extremely solid with their relationship.  We are handling it quite well, but a young child and a first time mother far from everyone she really knows sometimes is difficult emotionally to say the least.  We have been married since November 2004 and alot has transpired since then, mostly all for the positive, but time sure is whirling by.  Right now my wife and child are sleeping.  She was up early to feed the baby and is now resting before we let an electrician friend of mine, his two children (boy 8 and daughter 12) plus his wife visit us.  My wife can barely stand his wife and can not stand his little boy.  I have no problem with any of them, but I guess that goes with the territory.  We agreed that we would have different people visit our baby most every weekend for a while.  My wife is the one who wanted it.  I just suggested we do the most difficult first.  We will get through it fine.  I just hope the little guy does not damage our furniture or my wife will definitely give me an "I told you so," etc. for a while.  

Never the less, I would not have it any other way.  Our little daughter is beautiful and growing / developing nicely.  My wife is happy and so am I.  We both got the family we wanted and over all it is challenging but tremendously enjoyable.  Right now my big worry is traveling with the child, but I'll get over it.

[TigerPaws]

[color="blue"][size="4"] As someone who is over 50 and has both an adult son in the Army and a 31/2 year old daughter it is both easier and more difficult this time around dealing with a baby and small child again.

 The easy part is that I have been there and done that so this time around I kind of know what I am doing and though it has been over 20 years between changing diapers it was not all that difficult to get back into the swing of things again. The really difficult part was those late night feedings, when you are under 35 those all nighters are a lot easier, also keeping up with a toddler and going through the terrible 2's is a lot more difficult. I guess the easy part is having a great deal more patience and understanding, I will say that I rely on my wife a great deal more this time around than I did the first time. Maybe that is because I am getting older and a bit lazy or that she is more than happy to do more, I really do not know but it is ok with me.

 I would not encourage a man 50 and over to start a family again as that is only a decision he can make. Would I do it again knowing what I know now? Sure I knew going into this that if I wanted a much younger lady then a child (only 1) would be in my future so there was no surprises for me. I would say to a man nearing 50 that if you are considering going down this path then do it sooner rather than later and choose a lady who is inclined to be a mother and housewife, it will make things much easier on you.[/size][/color][color="blue"]
[/color]

[KenC]

Lots of sincere posts here guys.  It makes me feel like this is the right place and the right people I would like to spend my time with. 

I would like to throw out a question on this subject:  What makes RW so damn tough?  I know that a lot of them had a difficult life back home, but that is a physical toughness.  I am taking about their emotional toughness.  There is their bluntness to consider as well as their "protective instinct."  In this I am speaking about the stranger that unknowingly challanges or verbally assaults a RW.  I don't know about all your wives, but when put into such a position, Lena comes out fighting like a junkyard dog.  Any thought on why this is so?

BTW, it may have been much easier for me to accept such personality traits than most of you because I come from a Russian family.  Most of my family's first, second and third generations here in America exhibited the very same personality traits.  They were tough and didn't take any crap from anyone.  It wasn't until my generation started to mix with other nationalities that some of our children mellowed out a bit and lost some of the agressivness.

KenC

[al-c]

Ken, may I offer a theory?

Many, if not most RW cannot get themselves onto International Marriage web sites.  It costs money for them, which many of them do not have, and it also requires a home computer, an internet cafe, or a brick and mortar agency located where they can reach it.  In other words, a city.

The women who support themselves and their child in a city and still have enough money left over to do this are the survivor types.  They didn't get there by being lucky.  They got there by taking no crap from nobody.

This survivor attitude requires emotional toughness as well as physical toughness.

 

[Voyageur]

Ken C. I have often wondered this myself. Yes, you are correct that if someone challenges anyone in our little family, she attacks with great relish. No matter whom this may be - like friends or even not so close relatives. She is also very brutal to argue with and remembers every detail and transgression - much more that I ever could.  Her basic nature is kind and calm however, but her anger towards others after a slight againstour family is really something.  She is not quick to forgive and will never forget, that is for sure. Once the line has been crossed, it can never be repaired.   But clearly also, this "crossing the line" takes a real bad intent and wrongful, hurtful-intending actions.  It is not an accident to cross this line.

I remember reading some forum somewhere about the "Rus" genes, how they may have this effect. The bluntness is probably due to the fact that their culture was never politically correct like our (she often jokes about how I ask her if she could please pass the butter, where in her old marriage it was "get me the butter" )

I have been married for a long time to an Italian hertiage AW, and have had a few realtionships with other AW. But never have I experienced the type of anger that a FSU woman can muster.  Before I found my wife, I also had some various degrees of relationships with other women in the FSU and saw some of this trait also, so I am sure that this is found with some regularity in women from FSU.

Also, as I sad before, my wife was a gymnast who trained under her fatehr a decorated Coach of the Former Soviet Union. He was quite tough on her all through her childhood and adolesence.  Here is another example - we  go to a gym two times a week to work out. She injured herself on one of the leg machines. She did not say anything about it to me until I saw a hockey-puck sized purple bruise on her calf. I asked her about it and she told me about the injury, how it hurt for a time, but it was better now. It was apparent that this was a very deep, painful injury and she told me nothing about it.

If this had been an AW, (especially my former, attorney ex-wife), she would have had to have been carried out of the gym and would have been threatening them to be waiting for a lawsuit for faulty equipment.

It has really been a great ride with her. I learn something every day. But I am beginning to think that this toughness may be a combination of her training, growing up and the Rus gene.  But honestly sometimes this tughness can be scary.

[TigerPaws]

[color="blue"][size="4"] I would be very interested other married men's opinion especially those married  to Russian vs. Ukrainian women. I found many Russian ladies to be more than  capable of taking care of themselves and their families because the were forced  to not necessarily because they wanted to.

[/size][/color] [color="blue"][size="4"] My lady can be very tough when the  need arises and as Voyageur said unforgiving, but she would rather not be, she  would prefer to be as she says the stone wall behind her husband supporting him  and caring for her family instead of handling those difficult situations and  issues directly.[/size][/color]

[BC]

I remember WW I had relationships with being pi$$ed about something but most of the time I it took a good while before I would figure it out why.  Was like I had to play the guessing game to find out what was wrong.

My RU wife may be very unPC and brutally direct but once I got used to it I find this  quite good and even refreshing.  Also the 'silent treatment' never lasts more than a few hours.

I have no experience with UA women.

[KenC]

I remember WW I had relationships with being pi$$ed about something but most of the time I it took a good while before I would figure it out why.  Was like I had to play the guessing game to find out what was wrong.

My RU wife may be very unPC and brutally direct but once I got used to it I find this  quite good and even refreshing.  Also the 'silent treatment' never lasts more than a few hours.

I have no experience with UA women.

BC,

When I first read your post, I thought you were refering to a realtionship you had during World War I.  My first thought was that you were older than dirt!:hairraising:

KenC

(Got it now)

[BC]

Yeah Ken.. guess that wasn't very clear..

WW = Western Women..

[Vaughn]

Voyageur wrote:

I asked her about it and she told me about the injury, how it hurt for a time, but it was better now. It was apparent that this was a very deep, painful injury and she told me nothing about it.

The Physical Toughness. Sounds familiar. I came home one day during the first year to find my wife nursing her arm. She'd been standing on a chair while wallpapering, and lost her footing."It's sore" she offered in her then-best English. I got the usual resistance to an ER visit, those "cost too much" even with health insurance. I dragged her there anyway - the xrays revealed a fractured elbow. She was back to wallpapering the next morning while sporting a cast and sling. 

Emotionally: A woman, Nina, befriended my wife upon her arrival, her first contact with a Russian speaker in the USA. The woman is maybe 10 years older than Elvira, and treated her more like a daughter or trainee than a friend - this bugged my wife to no end. She dislikes subservience, except where appropriate. As my wife began to meet other new friends, Nina began to grill my wife with questions, serving up sarcasm - she was genuinely jealous and PO'd that Elvira might actually enjoy friendships with others. Elvira never flinched: "She's too fragile for me, it's time she and I part ways". A few days ago, we found out that Nina had injured herself and will be without work for a few weeks - I suggested we send a card, maybe flowers. My wife's reply: "WHAT? That will only encourage her to try to dominate me again -

NO THANKS!!!"